'my soul shattered with the strain of trying to belong to earth' unknown.

season 2, episode 7

pretty much dead already

day 71

A day roughly had twenty-four hours, though oftentimes those hours flew by. A day had passed, and then it became a week, maybe two, then a month. But this day was long. And no matter how hard Sadie tried to make it go faster, the hours dragged on. An over-looming anxiety conjoined with her body.

She spent her time away from Isaac and Alyson, only observing them from a distance. She tried not to think about it, knowing her mind, but she couldn't help it. Would Alyson truly leave them? After everything, after all her promises, she would leave because of what? Sadie couldn't figure it out. But Isaac's words played on repeat in her head.

"I'm not about to lose that because you are scared."

Sadie had seen Alyson be persuaded by her own fears only once before. It led them here. But just mere moments before were the first time Sadie saw Alyson without fear looming over her. She made her own choice, one that Sadie silently hoped she didn't regret.

So, she pondered again: would Alyson leave her because she was scared?

Another thought came next: would Sadie let her go alone?

If she did, she would be leaving Isaac, someone who wasn't involved but became involved for his friends. Sadie tried to piece it together, but it was all a blur. One moment it happened, the next the world ended. At some point in between, Isaac gave up everything to help them. How could she leave him?

How could any of them possibly think of abandoning each other after everything?

Her blood boiled at the thought of it. Out for anger or fear, either way Sadie hated how it swelled in her throat. Her body slowly killed her to prevent her from losing everything. She couldn't, she didn't understand how Isaac or Alyson could so easily accept going their separate ways?

It had to be something Sadie lacked that they had. Or maybe, something Sadie had too much of that they didn't. Something that made history worth the same as the future. She couldn't sacrifice what she has for what she could have.

Sadie didn't know whether that was from her inability to survive alone, or if it had been ingrained in her for longer than she had been on Earth. All she knew was that she didn't want to let her friendships crumble over the dead, when that's all she had left. She had no way of knowing if her mom was alive; Alyson and Isaac were all she had left in the dying world.

She would not sacrifice them for anything. She would die, she would kill before she let them separate.

Logs uncomfortably pressed against her spine. She had shifted one too many times for Carl, so the young boy sat up from laying his head on her lap and leaned against the logs. "It's not that bad."

He stretched across the stack, continuing to read his book without appearing to be struggling.

She reached for his fallen hat, leading him to sit up. "You'll mess up your stitches."

The young boy let out a groan as he sat back up. His eyes lingered over the healing area, covered by clothes but could never be forgotten. "When I get better...and we find Sophia, can we play soccer? You, me, Sophia against Alyson and Isaac."

She nearly questioned the odd arrangement until she remembered her skills. "Maybe Beth can play too to even it out."

"We can practice tomorrow," he declared, focusing back on the words on the pages. Sadie smiled, snuggly placing his hat on.

Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed two figures a few feet away. Shane leaned over Lori, forcing the woman to either allow him to stay in her face or fall off the stump.

Foliage and distance challenged Sadie's inspection, but it was quite transparent. Lori feared Shane; what he would do to the camp, to her, to anything. Trust that once was, had rotted too far to be repaired.

Was it easier for relationships to crumble now? Or has the frail foundation always been there?

How much longer until all of the old world reaches total termination?

As their conversation ceased, Shane stomped toward the two. Not specifically for them, but away from everything. The teenager silently hoped he would never come back. He would walk into the forest with supplies, unable to live in this situation. He could survive on his own. And if he couldn't, who would really shed a tear?

Sadie returned back to an uncomfortable position, honing onto the words of Jane Austin. She regretted choosing sleep over the book during her freshman year. Now that she thought those words, she didn't regret it; she wished she could sleep without the haunting.

"Hey, Shane," Carl called out as the man stomped by. He stood up, dropping his book. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

Shane glanced at Sadie, who locked eyes with him for a moment before returning to her book, Emma. The words were captivating, but not enough to distract the teen. Carl didn't need her to back him up. She was only an observer. A bystander.

"You okay?" Shane questioned under his breath, still watching Sadie.

"Yeah." Carl paused for a second before beginning whatever speech he had planned. "I know you think Sophia's dead and that we should stop looking for her. But that's...bullshit."

"Hey, man, watch your mouth."

Carl continued, ignoring his attempt to discipline him. "We're gonna stay here until we find her."

Sadie peered over the book, catching Shane's smug smile. She didn't know what Carl was going to talk to him about, but she admired his bravery and hope to find his friend. He was undeniably his father's son.

"You think that's what we should do?"

"It's what I know we should do."

Once again, Shane's eyes fell on Sadie. She hated how dark his eyes were, even under scattered rays of sunlight. He lacked something that she could find in the eyes of everyone else. She couldn't place her finger on it.

"Then we stay. That means we gotta do whatever we gotta do to make that happen. Hm?"

"Like helping out with chores?"

"Mhm." Shane placed his hand on Carl's shoulder, and Sadie couldn't help but narrow her eyes at that action. "Like help out with the chores."

Across the way, Lori called out to her son. "Come here for a minute."

"Why don't you go see what your mom wants? Go on."

Sadie stayed in her spot, focusing back on the page.

"Hey, Carl. Don't let me hear you talk like that again."

Out of respect, Carl nodded his head.

Out of disrespect, Sadie laughed.

She stifled it as best as she could, but Shane heard it. "What's so funny, kid?"

While keeping her eyes steady on him, she recited, "Silly things cease to be silly if they are done by sensible people in an impudent way." Ending it with a polite smile.

"You should go watch Carl; don't you think?"

Keeping up the smile, she shook her head. "I'm fine where I am. And so is he, with his mom. Are you?"

He scoffed, pulling his eyes away from her before walking away. To the forest, she hoped. No one would question it.

Her smile dropped, as did her motivation to read. She finally pieced it together. From the way he watched Lori, patented Carl, and blamed everything on Rick. He was infatuated with Lori and the idea of being Carl's father. Not only that but how he preyed on the weaknesses of others, pulling at them until they submitted to him out of fear. He was a predator awaiting his feast of a lifetime.

He wanted to have what Rick had, but he had no clue how to get it in the way Rick did. So, he went for it the only way he knew how to.

What he lacked that the others had was something simple, and straightforward: humanity.

He would one day poison the rest of them. The only way to prevent that was to stop him before it ever happened.

An hour or two later, Sadie found herself hovering over Carl's shoulder as he decided his next move. Patricia smiled across the table, glancing at Beth every-so-often.

The concept of humanity differed from person to person, however, Sadie knew it didn't occur genetically. A child has a clean slate of the world, it is only changed by the people they're surrounded by. They are made up of their own experiences, their parents' experiences, and their friends'.

Carl looked back at Sadie, silently asking for a guide. She placed her hands over his shoulders with a gentle squeeze. "You know the right move."

He turned back, contemplating for a few seconds before moving his knight to take out Patricia's knight. But it left his knight limited in a corner.

"You've got some mud on your shirt," Beth pointed out to Sadie. The slightly older girl peered over her shoulder to find that Beth wasn't lying. "Do you wanna change?"

Staring at it for a moment too long, smeared browns and greens atop of an already unclean tan shirt. Sadie looked at Beth. "It'd be a waste of clean clothes."

He had a chance to get out of that position if Patricia followed his action and took out one of his knights. However, she used her turn to move a pawn forward. He would learn to adapt to new things-quicker than the rate that Sadie was going. He still had time.

"Do you know what's going on?"

"Where's everyone?"

Andrea and T-Dog asked Glenn as he stood up. Isaac perked up on the ledge. Sadie glanced over. She thought they were supposed to be looking for Sophia.

"You haven't seen Rick?"

"Went off with Hershel. We were supposed to leave a couple hours ago," Andrea explained.

Daryl appeared with Carol and Alyson. "Yeah, you were. What the hell?"

"Rick told us he was going out."

Sadie patted Carl's shoulders, silently telling him to continue playing as she stepped behind Isaac. She attempted to stand beside him but his hand stopped her.

"Damnit! Isn't anyone taking this seriously? We got us a damn trail." Daryl pulled everyone's attention to the dirt road that occupied a single person, carrying all of the weaponry. "Oh, here we go."

Why did Shane have all of the weapons? Sadie held herself as she flickered between everyone's faces. Isaac and Alyson locked eyes with a silent conversation. The wait for Rick no longer mattered if Shane was going to get them kicked out. Or worse.

He should have left when he had the chance.

She should have done what she needed to do when she had the chance.

But it was all too late for that.

"What's all this?"

"You with me, man?" Shane asked, pulling out a rifle from the bag and handing it to Daryl.

Expectedly, Daryl agreed, taking the gun and joining a side.

"Time to grow up," Shane instructed the group. "You already got yours?"

Questions were flown at Shane, and he took them with ease. Answering them directly as he handed out guns that weren't supposed to be out. He claimed they needed to. He claimed it was for their safety.

Isaac got off the porch as everyone else stood, eyes steady on Shane's erratic movements.

"Look, it was one thing sitting around here picking daisies when we thought this place was supposed to be safe but now we know it ain't."

He stood in front of Glenn and Isaac, calling them out. "How 'bout you? You gonna protect yours?"

Both took a gun. A side chosen.

The air got thick and harder to inhale. It was like her lungs no longer accepted the air on Earth because it wasn't safe. It wasn't safe.

"Can you shoot?" Shane asked Maggie.

"Can you stop? You do this, you hand out these guns, my dad will make you leave tonight."

"We have to stay, Shane," Carl reminded, stepping down the porch. Sadie followed right behind him, refusing to let Shane corrupt him further. Carl hadn't experienced life enough to understand like them-Sadie could barely make a claim for her own understanding of wrong and right.

Thankfully, Lori appeared, questioning Shane's actions.

"We ain't going anywhere, okay? Now look, Hershel, he's just gotta understand. Okay? He-well, he's gonna have to. Now we need to find Sophia. Am I right?" He dared to ask Carl that as he pulled a pistol out of his waistband. He crouched in front of the boy. "Now I want you to take this. You take it, Carl, and you keep your mother safe. You do whatever it takes."

Sadie pulled Carl behind her, glaring down at Shane. She would rather put more blood on her hands than ever let Carl get a speck of blood on his. His black holes sucked the life out of her, tearing her apart from the inside like a virus.

Lori stepped in front of them, seething at Shane's actions. "Rick said no guns. This is not your call. This is not your decision to make."

"Oh shit," T-Dog let out, pulling everyone's attention towards the forest line. Inching out appeared Rick, Jimmy, and Hershel, leading walkers on snares.

This set Shane off. His rage encouraged him to run towards the three, ushering everyone to follow out of fear. This is what he wanted. War for leadership, for power, for love.

When Sadie got closer, she heard Hershel's pain filled voice, the voice she heard when he spoke about his son. "I see who I'm holding onto!"

She held onto Carl, letting Lori know she had him. She reluctantly went ahead. Carl pressed against his side, wincing.

"What'chu wanna talk about, Rick? These things ain't sick. They're not people. They're dead. Ain't gonna feel nothing for them 'cause all they do, they kill!"

The more and more he shouted, the closer Sadie held onto Carl. She had no way to make him stop watching the scene, no way to make it never happen in his mind because it would. He fought her when she tried to shield him from it.

"These things right here, they're the things that killed Amy! They killed Otis! They're gonna kill all of us!"

"Shane, shut up!" Rick said but there was no point. Shane wanted everyone to see what he saw, he needed it.

"Hey, Hershel man, let me ask you something: could a living, breathing person," he pulled out his pistol and cocked it, "could they walk away from this?"

One. Two. Three.

Sadie flinched, as did Carl, as did everyone. Carl cowered into Sadie's side; unbeknownst to her, he peeked out with one eye.

"That's three rounds in the chest. Could someone who's alive, could they just take that!?"

One. Two.

Sadie squeezed her eyes shut, covering Carl's and ignoring how he fought her. Gunshots played.

Were they real? Or were they from before? The ones she released or hesitated to? The shouts and screams overlapped. Varying voices buzzed in Sadie's ears but all she heard was ringing. A static ring that followed her, looming over her shoulder to remind her of what she did and didn't do.

Two bullets. That's all she let out. That's all that entered his body, sending him off balance. That's all that caused blood to splatter behind him on white walls and cream carpet. Two bullets through and through. Right?

Shane continued to shoot, pointing out the organs that were penetrated by his bullets. With a final blow to the head, Shane ended the walker. It would no longer come back, it would no longer feed on people, it was no longer anything.

Sadie's eyes opened after the shot in the lungs, forcing herself to watch as the body dropped. A living being couldn't have taken those shots. In Hershel's eyes, Shane had killed someone he knew, but Sadie knew he hadn't killed a person. However, Sadie had.

"Enough risking our lives for a little girl who's gone! Enough living next to a barn full of things that are trying to kill us! Enough! Rick, it ain't like it was before. Now if y'all wanna live, if you want to survive, you gotta fight for it! I'm talking 'bout fighting right here, right now"

Shane sprinted to the barn, pulling a pickaxe and began breaking the locks on the barn. Rick screamed at Hershel to take the snare, still wanting to respect the man that hopelessly kneeled before him.

Carl had slipped from Sadie's grasp, running to his mom. Leaving Sadie alone. Her hands rose to her temple, trying to breathe in short bursts. But her lungs couldn't work because her ears were contained with too much noise. Screams, metal against metal, walkers, inhale and exhale.

One by one, walkers cascaded out. Their ghostly pale skin illuminated under the sun. Unbothered by the scorching blaze, they only wanted to feast. A feast awaited them.

Isaac and Alyson pulled out their guns, joining the others at the front line to kill the dead. The dead that once was living. The dead that were once people.

Sadie noticed a dead corpse in dirty blue. She was once Annette Greene, a mother, a wife, and a daughter. She once was, and now she wasn't. Never again. Not after Shane put a bullet into her mouth, knocking her down.

Bodies fell. Gunshots filled the empty land, echoing across it all. Blood soaked into the ground, returning them to Earth.

Sadie let out pants, trying to catch her breath as tears rolled down her face for people she didn't know. Her ragged breathing covered the sound that the others heard. Guns rose again to fight off the last one.

Behind blurry eyes, Sadie watched blobs of arms drop. The soft snarls of the last walker met her ears like wind against a windchime. Everything was clear.

Sophia had been right next to them all along.

Carol's cries for her daughter were louder than any other sound despite being so silent. She was dead all along.

As Rick raised his revolver, aiming it towards Sophia's head, Sadie turned just before the gunshot.

The sun still shone above them, glowing down its brilliant rays, untouched by the horrors. Days upon days, filled with hours and hours of searching for a girl who was already gone.

And now they knew.