1995

I first met Ryan Thorne on the first day of my third year in high school.

I remember feeling disorganised and in a rush that day as I had slept in, too excited to sleep properly for most of the night. I really loved school. Enjoyed learning new things. I couldn't wait to study the subjects I had chosen.

Of course, there were subjects I had to do. Like English (good). Maths (bad). French (meh). A science (physics in my case. Blurgh). But drama, art, computing, and geography? All my own choices. The rest I would tolerate. And ultimately, ace.

I hurried from my registration class to the first class of the day . . . Computing. Of course, my reg class was probably the furthest anywhere could probably be from the computing department. And I had no idea who would be in the class, if I would even know anyone, so I was extra nervous.

The very first thing I noticed was that the boys outnumbered the girls considerably. I wasn't that bothered about boys yet, though. I'd started to notice them that summer when I'd been at my gran's place, but I hadn't really had a crush on anyone at that point. Well, apart from maybe Zack from "Saved By The Bell", but he didn't really count, being a TV character and all.

My second observation was that there was only one spare computer left, so I dashed over to it and dropped into the chair before I could draw any attention to myself. Luckily, the teacher didn't seem to be in the room yet; I quickly discovered Miss Ryder was usually late because she was usually half-stoned, and I didn't need to hurry after that.

As I started pulling my belongings from my bag, I heard a muttered "shit" from beside me. I couldn't help but giggle - swearing did that to me back then. I glanced around at the source of the profanity and met the rueful eyes of the boy beside me.

"Sorry," he said wryly. "I just realised I forgot a pen. You don't have one I can borrow, do you?"

I was happy to help. I also had a mass of pens at my disposal. I loved stationery and spent most of my pocket money on it. "Sure, what's your poison?" I asked, unloading the contents of my pencil case on the desk between us. "Blue, black, multicoloured, ballpoint, fineliner? I can even do you a freshly sharpened pencil if you're so inclined."

"Wow." The boy looked at my pile of pens in awe. "I think I'll settle for a standard blue ballpoint if that's okay."

I plucked one out of my selection and passed it over to him. "Yeah, you don't want to go too hard too fast."

He laughed. He was cute, I noticed, in a slightly nerdy way. Floppy dark blond hair, a sweet smile complete with dimples. His eyes were such a vivid blue that they couldn't even be concealed behind the lenses of the wire rimmed glasses perched on his nose. "Thanks," he said. "You're a life saver. I can't believe of all the things I forgot to pack this morning, it was a pen. What an idiot!"

"You can keep that one," I replied, unable to help grinning at him. "As you can see, I have a more than adequate supply."

"That's a bit of an understatement - you could start your own pen store," he joked. We were still giggling when the teacher walked in and started taking the register.

I don't ever remember introducing myself to anyone back in school. Maybe we did, but I don't think so. You just kinda got to know people's names. So I didn't know this boy. Our school was big. I'd never seen him before. I was waiting for his name to be called out so I could learn it.

"Iona Stewart?" As Miss Ryder shouted my name, I half-held my hand up in acknowledgement and called out "here." She nodded and moved on, but I saw the boy next to me smile to himself, and he mouthed something that looked like my first name. A warm feeling tingled inside me, one I didn't quite understand.

His name was next on the list, and then I knew he was called Ryan Thorne. Cute.

The teacher started walking around the class with handouts as Ryan turned back to me again. "Iona is an unusual name," he commented. "Isn't there an island called that?"

"Yep. It's next to Mull." I winced before confessing: "My parents claim I was conceived on Iona. I'm still not sure if they're kidding or not."

He laughed again, but this time, it was accompanied by a hint of a blush, and I realised I probably shouldn't have started talking about my own conception. I began to feel hot colour stain my own face, so I was glad when the teacher started talking and we had to turn our attention to the class.

I can't really remember what I learned in computing. The Internet wasn't really around back then, so it wasn't that. It was my favourite class, though.

And the deciding factor that made it a favourite was definitely Ryan. That whole year, we sat next to each other, and we had such a good laugh together.

In our Monday class, we would discuss whatever selection of Channel 4 sitcoms we'd watched on the previous Friday night. In the Friday class we would tell each other our weekend plans.

For the Wednesday class, the subject was usually something random. Did OJ Simpson do it? Or did "Country House" really deserve to be number one over "Roll With It"? We'd fit these discussions in before, after and occasionally during the lesson, whispering when Miss Ryder had her back turned.

It took me probably a couple of months to come to the realisation that I didn't simply like Ryan . . . I liked him.

That feeling of anticipation every time I was headed for that subject, something squeezing tightly somewhere near my heart on the rare occasion I spotted him outside of class . . . This was my first crush.

I just hadn't seen it coming at all.

Probably because all the romance novels I devoured had led me to believe heroes are almost exclusively tall, dark, and handsome. I hadn't expected to end up crushing on a fair-haired, blue-eyed nerd who wasn't much taller than myself.

I kept the crush to myself, only letting my diary in on my secret. I didn't tell my friends; it felt somehow like something I needed to protect. I obviously didn't tell Ryan either. I didn't want to make things awkward between us when we got on so well.

Sometimes, though . . . Sometimes, I did think he might actually fancy me too. There was just a vibe I got from him at times. A certain look on his face when we were laughing and joking together. A moment when I was struggling with a piece of work on my computer, and he leaned over to help me, and his breath suddenly quickened. Just little things like that. But never quite often enough to convince me I was right.

"There's a guy over there I'm sure is watching you," my friend Claire said to me one day months later. We were sitting in the canteen at break, trying to finish some maths homework we'd forgotten about. I glanced up and saw Ryan quickly look away, pushing his glasses up as he blushed.

Claire was right. He had been watching me.

"Oh, that's just Ryan," I said as casually as I could, although my heart beat faster in my chest. "He sits next to me in computing. Nice guy." It was Tuesday, which wasn't a computing day, so it was nice to catch a glimpse of him; get my fix.

"He's cute," Claire nodded, and my possessive heart twirled in on itself. I didn't want anyone else to want him. He was mine, even though he didn't know that.

The problem was I had fallen for the original Ryan, Ryan 1.0, which meant I failed to notice that Ryan Thorne was going through somewhat of a glow-up. My crush was already fully set, so I didn't notice the subtle changes in his appearance over the last few months of third year. His skin clearing up, the fact he shot up several inches seemingly overnight. His face leaning out. Ryan 2.0 was about to bloom.

Over the summer between third and fourth year, our school moved to a new site. Everything was newer, bigger, brighter. I was a creature of habit so I didn't like it. I missed the old buildings. And, most importantly, the seating format in the computer labs was very different and I was no longer sitting next to Ryan. We ended up on opposite sides of the room.

It was different now anyway. He'd returned to school after the holidays a new guy. Amazing the change a different haircut and contact lenses can make. Added to the other physical differences I'd barely noticed before, it seemed he was now on the radar of pretty much every girl in school.

Yep, he was gorgeous. But I missed the old him. Ryan 1.0.

Don't get me wrong, his personality didn't change. Even though he wasn't beside me in class anymore, he would still catch up with me when he could to ask how I was doing, or what I'd thought of the latest episode of "Friends". He still had the same sweet smile, and I still very occasionally would catch him looking at me in class. And he would still blush when I caught him in the act.

But I'd constantly hear girls talking about how good-looking he was. Speculating about who he was going out with. When he passed me in the school yard and waved to me, my friends would be spitting with envy.

He wasn't my secret anymore. He belonged to everyone now.

I knew he'd never actually been mine. But, for a brief period of time, it had felt like he could have been.

And so, for the first time - but not the last - I let my crush on Ryan Thorne go.

Young Ryan was sweet, wasn't he? 🥰 And how many pens are too many pens? 🤣

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