1999

Prom was still weeks away but folk at school were already buzzing about it.

What you've got to understand here is prom night was a relatively new concept for us; the type of event we'd only really witnessed on American TV programmes (or that I'd read about in my romance novels). It had only been in the last few years my school had caught on and starting throwing one for the graduating sixth year pupils.

I wasn't sure if I could be bothered going. I didn't really understand the hype. Even though I loved reading about proms, I wasn't sure I actually wanted to take part in one. I knew it was never going to be as glamorous as the fictional ones I'd grown up on, for a start.

And I didn't particularly want to get caught up in the minefield of "who is going with who". Because, let's face it, there was only one person I'd want to go with, and if he went with someone else, there's no way I'd want to see that.

"So do you think you're going to go to prom?" That same person asked me a few weeks later, his tone offhand. We were studying in Ryan's room, and the evening sunshine was pouring through his window, bathing him in flattering golden light. It made his eyes flare luminous blue and brought out the light freckles sprinkled across the bridge of his nose, and I don't think he'd ever looked more irresistible to me.

I hesitated. "I'm not sure."

"Has anyone asked you to go with them?" He was looking down at his jotter now, but I could see his teeth worrying away at his bottom lip. I couldn't help but feel like the casual tone was forced, and he actually cared about the answer.

That extra line of tension undercutting our friendship since the Valentine's party seemed to be fizzing louder than usual in his room that night. For over three months now we'd both been ignoring it. Or maybe I was merely imagining its presence in the first place. But I didn't think so. Especially while studying the tightness in his face as he awaited my response.

"No," I said finally. I watched as his expression visibly relaxed with that one syllable, confirming my suspicions. "I'm starting to worry that Gary might be gearing up to ask me though," I added, only half-joking. "I'm not sure how I'll turn him down if he does."

Ryan swallowed, then he looked up at me with a tentative smile on his face. "How about you just tell him you're going with me?" He said, as if he'd just had a lightbulb moment. "Why don't we go together?"

Oh, my heart. "You want to go to prom with me?" I asked, trying to hide my delight.

His small smile morphed into a massive grin. "Of course!" He said, as if it was obvious. "Shall we?"

I nodded, my own mouth curling upwards. "Let's do it."

"Great!" He opened a textbook. "Going with one of my best friends will make it so much more fun."

Oh.

Once again, it seemed I'd been friend-zoned. Although at least I had been put in more of a "best friend zone" this time; a promotion of sorts, I suppose.

However, I knew I wasn't imagining that there was a vibe between us. Even later that same evening I caught him looking at me at least twice, and there was definitely what appeared to be longing in his eyes. At another point, we'd accidentally brushed hands as we both reached for a pencil and he'd nearly jumped out of his skin. To be fair, so did I.

I still had hope.

It turned out Ryan's timing couldn't have been better as Gary chose the very next day to ask me to prom. I was able to turn him down without making a lame excuse, and with a clear conscience; he wasn't a bad guy, after all . . . he just wasn't the guy I wanted.

At that point, prom was still nearly a month away, and I wondered how I could hold onto my excitement until then. Because, for me, prom would be make-or-break. The point where I found out if Ryan and I were meant to be.

On prom night, I vowed, I would make a move. If he didn't feel the same way then fine - I would be sad, obviously, but at least I would have put myself out there. And much like the Valentine's party that had existed in that other universe, slightly separate to the real world, if we addressed this subject at prom, then it should be easier to return to the real world and keep our friendship if my hopes were dashed.

In retrospect, I realise my reasoning was pretty nonsensical. But at the time, it made absolute sense to me. It also meant I got to keep Ryan's friendship as long as possible without ruining it with pesky little things like "feelings". Because who was to say our friendship would last beyond sixth year anyway? He was going to Stirling Uni and I was moving in with my cousin in the west end.

It's only as I recall this that I realise the same could have been true had we decided to give an actual relationship a go. Like I said, my logic was not in fact logical. I was an 18 year old romantic with my head stuck in impractical clouds.

Don't you worry about me though . . . My rose-tinted view on life was not to last much longer.

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