~~~#1 First day, long day~~~

Serena's POV

I sighed, containing myself of rubbing my eyes in both irritation and the tiredness that left me, weak.

Weak.

I hate that word.

"Yo, Sere!" He brought me back into reality."Were you even listening?"

I nodded and continued walking.

"Oh really, what was I saying-"

"You and Gary went to a party, danced and got drunk. Somehow you guys met a police officer and Gary was so wasted that he was flirting with him as he didn't know it was a man. And he tasered Gary because he was feeling uncomfortable. And honestly, he should had seen it coming."

"You would know how funny it was if you were there." Ash chuckled lightly before his eyes sparkled with excitement. "Next time go with us! It will be more fun, I swear!"

I smiled little at him before walking down the stairs to the underground subway.

Fun, huh? More like a disaster. Why would it be more fun? Because of me? No, that's impossible.

I sighed and held back the urge that tried to bring my lips to a frown. We continued walking towards a certain spot, so we could go first in the subway as Ash continued talking about the many adventures and crazy things he experienced in life.

I listened, nodded and commented on a few things. But even though I'm glad he's here and talking about his past. I can't help but feel guilty, whenever I look at him.

Even though his face was mostly covered or disguised. I could see up close how his eyes are looking like they are about to close, how his face was pale or the bags beneath his eyes. And that once in a while he'd yawn or rub his eyes. He looked worn out.

Hell!

I wouldn't blame him for the 'little' party ended quite late and he helped clean up. Past 1 AM, according to Dawn was the time he left. I already locked myself up in my room so I wasn't there to help or say goodbye. Let me say the amount of sleep I got was little to none. Apparently, he did too.

And now we are here at 6:24 AM, waiting for the subway to go to my official first day of dancing with the team Next Generation, we have to be there at 8:20 AM. And according to Ash with the subway is about 60 minutes and then a 10-minute walk. Taylor told me she'd give me a planning for the next couple of weeks.

...Yay.

I sighed again and looked at him. He looked at me, no, he has been staring at me with a slight frown.

Without wanting to have a confrontation with what he surely have noticed, my red-looking like I've been smoking drugs- eyes, I told him,"You didn't have to come, you know?"

"Huh?" He furrowed his brows at me, "But I wanted too, it's your first day and I didn't want you to go alone."

"Ash, I can handle myself." I sighed, looking away from him."You don't have to hold my hand like in Elementary School, we were kids back then. And I admit I am nervous, but I can handle it. I'm an adult."

"You're right, but-"

"Besides," I interrupted him, lowering my voice to a soft whisper." you could have spent this day resting like you said yesterday, It's not healthy for you."

He grinned, poking his elbow playfully against my arm and cheekily said,"You so~ have a crush on me."

"I-What?!" I yelled at him."I do not!"

"Yeah sure~" He rolled his eyes and looked at me like 'really'.

"Don't 'really' me!" I said, narrowing my brows at him in irritation."I'm worried, okay is true. But I. do. not. have a. crush on. you!"

He looked at me very amused, "Why are you making it such a big deal out of it then?"

Because-

"You-I-you-UGH!" I groaned in frustration as his smirk grew bigger. "Just shut up!"

He laughed out loud, facing upwards as he closed his eyes. I folded my arms, eyebrows arched, waiting. Despite myself, I was cracking a smile at that idiot.

Even though, his laughter subsided. The large grin was still stuck on his face as he said, "Glad to know, you care about me."

I turned away, hiding my small blush and looking at the approaching subway. I muttered, "Sure, whatever."

"But I'm still going with you, though."

I groaned as the doors of the subway opened, "You're so stubborn-"

And then a forceful push got me almost falling forward if it wasn't for Ash, he grabbed me by my arm and quickly made our way inside of the subway. I kept my eyes closed as the crowd of people pushed themselves into the subway. Where did they come from?!

"Stop pushing!"

"Hey, that hurts!"

"Attention, passengers. We have a very full train today so please don't block the doors. We will be moving shortly."

"Where do you think you're touching?!"

"Go away!"

"I was here first!"

"I'm trying to get to work if you please-"

"And we are going to watch the New York Yankees vs. Los Angeles Angels, so fuck off!"

"Tell them, babe!"

"Excuse me!"

What in the world is happening?!

I was continually being squashed by the crowd, while the train continued to ride. Everyone was so close to each other, that I thought the door behind me could break. That was actually my last concern because a certain guy is well...

He's close.

Very Close.

Very very close.

Too close!

Body touching-close.

Way out of my comfort zone-close.

Wrong-close.

Suffocating-close.

Internal panic with saying close too much-close.

So close that my skin cells merge together with his cells- close.

Sub-atomic level-close

Almost as close as 1 planck-distance- close.

"Sere," He breathes, I just nodded, trying not to move neither did I want to acknowledge how close his face must be. "I get it."

"Eh?!" I blushed a lot.

"Stop panicking and moving." He demanded."We are on- Wait, why did we stop?"

"Attention, passengers. This is your conductor speaking. On behave of our company, I'm sorry to announce that the 7:30 service to Queens is delayed by approximately 35 minutes due to overhead line problems. Please listen for further announcements. We are very sorry for the delay this may cause to your journey."

"Oh, come on," I said between my teeth among the arguing crowd.

"You got to be kidding me," Ash mumbled."seems like we are running late."

"That's your concern?"

"What?" He asked cluelessly."At least we could talk about the fact that-." He stopped at looked down at me which only let me lower my head.

"First of all, we are going to talk in this position?!" I loudly whispered at him."And second, about what?"

"Yes, does it looks like we've got another choice?" He answered and then leaned down to my ear.

"What are you-"

"Why have you been crying?" He whispered, a reeling shiver went up and down my spine as he continued talking,"And you better don't say you weren't, because I can see it."

Dang, it! I knew I should' ve used White' s make-up to cover it up!

"I wasn't," I stated, containing myself from stuttering. I closed my eyes and calmly spoke,"I was using a new cream for under my eyes and apparently got an allergic reaction to it. And it is annoying because I can't touch, scratch it or rub my eyes. It'll be worse if I do."

"Hmmm," He exclaimed unconvinced."Can you say that again while looking me straight the eye?"

"No," I responded quickly.

"Then I don't believe you."

I opened my eyes and spat,"What has that to do with telling the truth?"

"Everything." He explained, sighing.

"Eh..." I exclaimed as I tried to push him back. It only got him closer because of that large Large man behind him, pushed him back. "Kya!"

"People lie when they don't want to look at you in the eye." He explained it further, a bit miffed."It prevents them from feeling guilty."

"H-how am I supposed to look at you in-"

"Serena, would you lie to me?" He interrupted, his tone growing gradually sadder as his shoulders slumped.

"But I'm not lying." I protested, blushing a lot. My whole personal space is destroyed!

"Would you lie to me?" He repeated, his body now tense."Would you?"

"No, of course not."

Yikes! That's got to hurt, doesn' t it?

"Can you promise that?"

"I promise."

"Can you do it the way we do? Commander-soldier, please." He begged, showing the only thing that can get to me. The puppy dog look."Please~"

You're only hurting yourself more if you do. It was your thing, don't ruin it. Or do you really want to waste your friendship over this? Do you think he won't find out?

I sighed and rolled my eyes while putting a hand up if possible."Under any circumstances this promise cannot be broken as I take to my heart, leave it with my soul, written in my skin and burn it in my memory."

"Got it, soldier, I'll leave you to your mission to succeed." He said as he tried his best not to laugh." Stay put and have a safe journey."

"Aye, sir." I saluted.

Ah, straight in the heart! Crack! Boom! Pow!

I did the right thing, didn't I? I just want him to be happy.

For now.

A rubbing chuckle vibrated from his chest as he laughed,"You're the weirdest."

"Hey, you made me do that." I pouted at him as I was surely broken inside."You're the stupidest."

"Right," he chuckled, shrugging the insult off."we are both extraordinary then?"

"Nah," I shook my head and poked his chest." only you."

He wrapped his arm around me and softly whispered,"I missed it."

I sighed and patted his back. As the corners of my lips twitched down for a second before he pulled back.

Why is he so nice? He has a girlfriend, he shouldn't be hugging me?

I smiled at him, though I couldn't see his face completely, only beneath his nose. He could probably see me as I couldn't look up for obvious reasons."You could just say that you missed me, you dork."

"And you ruined it."He trailed off.

"Nope," I popped the 'p' out."I did not."

"You totally did," He disagreed."For a second it was all a sweet moment like aww~, and then you ruined it."

"Did you just say, aww~?" I exclaimed, giggling a bit.

"I didn't say, aww~"

"You did say, aww~ Just now and before that."I beamed."Aww th-."

"I swear if somebody is making out in this room, I'm going to throw up!" Somebody shouted loudly.

And of course, then came the big-red-eared, tight-lipped mother of all awkwardnesses,

Dead silence.

Well for me then.

He chuckled, took one of my earplugs and listen to the music I was currently listening. XXXTentacion - sad. And it was hard not to move on the beat or sing along. It was like that try not to move challenge. 

Ash wasn't making this situation better as he actually quietly sang along and moved to the song. And he was gently rubbing his thumb over my slightly swollen and red upper cheek, I didn't think I've cried that much. But I must have looked awful. 

Making an ugly impression on your first day. You look even worse than you already were.

I looked side-ways preventing myself to actually listen to him and causing him to take his thumb from my face. But he is good. I 'll admit.

"Well, thank you." He smirked at me as I banged my head against his chest. "You need to stop thinking out loud."

I pouted at him, "It true though, you're good and I'm proud of you."

What?! I stiffened, Where did that come from?! 

He let out a soft laugh and patted my head, "Thanks Serena, it nice to hear that from you."

"Stop that!" I shook my head."I'm not a dog!"

He chuckled again, "You're a cute one, though."

"Stop saying that," I sighed, this time I did frown. " You've Miette and I don't want to be on her bad side. And it's embarrassing."

Again.

"What is wrong with complimenting my friends?" He argued. "I'm just being honest."

"And how is that working out for you both?"

He frowned.

You hit him right on the spot, Serena! Great job!

"Sorry!" I blurted out as panic filled in my entire body. "I'm sorry! I shouldn't have said that. Please, don't be sad! I'm was just being a pain. Don't take it seriously. Please don't. I'm totally fine with your compliments, so don't worry. I'm sorry."

"Calm down! You're not being a pain." He held me by the shoulders, gently, dropping his head to look me in the eye. I tried to steady my breathing, I wasn't having an attack, wasn' t I? Why is he so close?!" Why are you apologising and changing your opinion all of a sudden? If you don't like it then I'll tone it down. You haven't done anything wrong. It's okay."

"You sure? I wasn't going too far or acting-"

"No, you were not." He assured me as I bit my bottom lip still unsure." It's okay."

"I'm sorry for acting so dramatic."

"Again," He told me as he hugged me, leaving a hand in my hair. "It's okay. I promise."

I messed up again.
I said something wrong again.
I made you sad again.
What a good friend am I?
I don' t deserve you.

"Mom wants to see you," he changed the subject. "She had been busy and couldn't make time for a catch-up, but she told me to bring you to a party this Saturday. Only if you want to, though. I'm not forcing you."

I stayed silent and contemplated it. I really want to see her, but a party means that there will be many people. And I don't know whether I could handle it or not.

Too many people, too many eyes to judge me.

"Will you be there?" I asked, not wanting to sound desperate in any way.

"Of course! I'll be there!" He spoke excitedly. "Besides I invited her to come with me, so you could catch up with her. And I don't want to be the only one who gets scowled down by her."

"You think she would bang our heads together like old times."

"Hell yeah, she would do that!" He said, pulling back.

"Then I think I should leave it to you." I grinned at him.

"No."He said sternly."Serena Yvonne, you're going."

"What happened to 'I'm not forcing you'?" I asked.

"Fear. Is what happened." He replied to me." Fear."

"Sure," I agreed. "But don't leave me alone there, I'm not much of a people person neither a party one."

"Your team is also coming."

"I don't know them, Ash. They are still strangers to me." I frowned.

"Chance to know them better right." He smiled.

The train moved.

Yeah,

-------------- Yesterday night -------------- 

Dear Mom,

I wish I could start out this special day where everything changed for me with an ecstatic quote about life or how much I love my friends or the fact that everything is going great. But since I'm not with others, I've to be honest and say: I've never remembered feeling more lost in my entire life than the moment I lost you. I kept telling myself:

Everything will work out or you'll finally be a part of something, meet new people and do something useful with your life. 

But then another part of me questions myself: Is it? Is this the goal I want to reach? What do I want to do before I die? Do I even want to start dancing again and be successful, maybe? Am I even happy? Is that even possible after everything I went through?

I get the feeling that I'm starting to doubt myself, my friends even my own life. It's like today was a forceful push to bring me back to who I used to be, normal. But who am I? I don't even recognize myself as my old self. I don't even know who I am now. And to be honest, I am scared.

I have the feeling that I'm losing my grip on reality when I'm beginning to feel the storm turn into a gentle drizzle and the grey clouds start fading. But then there would be a sudden eruption of sadness coming out of nowhere and the storm evidence itself through my eyes. I cry. I'm standing on my own in the darkness and even when the light comes it will be just for a while, that I can feel an absence near me. I don't want to be alone, because when I am, I overthink, question everything even apologise for whatever reason I came up with.

What if I wasn't there? What if I didn't do that? What if I didn't say that? What if I said that? What if I did that? What if I helped? What if?

You never told me about how dad and your family affected you. Always saying it was for me. But did you regret that? Leaving them, because of me? I'll never know, don't I?

Did you ever feel so sad, that it makes you feel guilty too? I do. 

I just keep apologizing, for things I did not do and it makes me feel worse. Maybe because I worry about others too much? I'm sorry if I do. Or maybe because I bother you with my problems while other got their own? Then I'm sorry too, I promise I'll keep quiet for now on even though I already did, but it was too much this time.

Love,

Your little-scared girl

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Look at the amazing art of my best friend, alish36. She drew/watercolour her just because of my story. I'm so proud. 

(Ｔ▽Ｔ)/ HUWHA~ *Crying tears of joy.

Btw, I'm going to have a test week (mid-June). So I'd be updating after that, in the summer break, I will be updating a lot. (end-June till mid-August)