Every now and then I think

you might want me to come

show up at your door

but I'm just afraid that I'll be wrong

We don't talk anymore

Like we used to do

Remind me not to pour my heart out to my mother ever again. Like Aman said, he went ahead with his plan and stayed over at his cousin's place. I waited for him in the morning, well morning being five a.m because I couldn't sleep at all. I just couldn't handle the anxiety. So I did what I now regret. I went to over to my mom's. She heard the entire story and said the miraculous words that solved everything immedaitely.

"Have you been going to your therapist?"

Imagine my disappoint. I was looking for some magical words for advice that could calm my anxious heart and mind and put me of to sleep. But no.

"What does that have to do with it?" I asked irritably. I got up to make myself an early breakfast. I went towards the kitchen and my mom followed.

"Can you just answer me? And what are you looking for?" she asked me.

"Where is the penne pasta? I'm hungry,"I said. I was so irritated and my tone was probably rude.

"Step away, I will make you something," she said and sighed. She started rummaging around the kitchen for ingredients and I laid down on our living room couch. I was just staring at the ceiling, rewinding everything when twenty minutes later my mom came with a hot bowl of white sauce pasta.

I started eating like I had never eaten before. "You know Mira, I am just worried about you."

"That doesn't mean that you would send me to a therapist."

"You didn't even give her a chance."

I didn't reply and continued eating.

"I know you are a strong girl, I am not saying you are weak or mad or something. Just because you need a therapist it doesn't mean you are any less. Taking help doesn't mean you are weak Mira, it just means you are strong enough to admit you need to fix something."

"What do I need to fix?" I asked with almost tears in my eyes.

She wiped off the single tear that involuntarily escaped my eye. "Well, nothing. You are my wonderful little girl. You will always be whether married or not. But you have gone through a lot and it is time for you to take a break."

I nodded and she continued. "You were so wonderful when your father died, Mira. I saw you crying one day that's all. After that you just went around trying to cheer me and your little sister up. I knew you were hurting really bad inside, don't you think I heard the silent cries at night? I can't tell you how much I appreciate that you decided to be the strong one for me.

Or when you had your first heart break before Aman. You were depressed, talking to everyone horribly, not going to school, not eating and then one day you saw me crying and suppressed your pain again. You have always been down and then picked yourself up by yourself Mira but this time you can let go. Trust that your loved ones will take care of you. It is okay to admit that you are hurting. It is okay to cry. It is okay to be vulnerable for a little while. It doesn't mean you are weak."

She had gotten so emotional, that she managed to talk me into it. Before I knew it I was back at that eccentric doctor's office. She was kind enough to fit me in her busy schedule, even though I missed so many of her appointments.

She asked me how I talked myself into trying therapy again and I told her the little conversation that I had with my mom this morning.

"So Mira, what is the real reason you have been hurting inside this time? What happened before you decided to leave your husband?"

I took a deep breathe. Apart from talking about this to myself, I hadn't told anymore about this. I hadn't even said it out loud to anyone else but me. Not even Aman.

"Take your time," she said softly.

After about five minutes I began.

"We had dated a long time, about five years before we got married. So a few months into our marriage, we decided to start our own family. Aman's business had picked up and he was doing really well and so was I, this seemed like the perfect time for us to have a kid. He was up for it surprisingly and I was beyond excited. I don't know maybe it was just a way too naive and romantic thought. But I loved Aman with all my heart, everything about him I adored. Just the thought of having his child filled me with too much happiness.

And then one day, I took about five tests. It was confirmed. I was pregnant. I couldn't even wait to tell him. He was actually at a business meeting when I drove there waiting outside to tell him the news. He was happy too. But three months into my pregnancy, I suffered horrible cramps and then bleeding. The pain was unbearable and as I was taken to the hospital, I fainted from the pain. I woke up about twenty four hours later. I was informed that I had suffered a miscarriage."

"After about a few tests, I was told by my doctors that I have a hostile uterus. Chances of a foetus surviving were about 10 percent. He told us we could keep trying but it would just be useless if I keep having miscarriages. So he advised us to see other options."

"After a while the pain began to subside and I started to accept what I was and decided to make the best of it. But you don't know how it feels. This is the one thing that makes me a woman, you know? I couldn't give him this. After all the mess that I was, now I had one more to add to it. And now he was just stuck with me because he married me. Two months later, without even informing me, he left for Mumbai. He came back as much as he could and I tried to act normal as I could because I didn't want him to stop coming back altogether. Before I knew it I was more irritable than before. I kept fearing he would leave me."

"So you left him before he could leave you," she added.

I nodded.

"You see Mira, you were so caught up in what could happen that you destroyed your present, your relationship. Yes, he could have left you but let's look at the situation right now. Who asked for a divorce, hmm?"

"Didn't he contribute to it? Leaving for Mumbai when I needed him the most? His stories and constant unnecessary lies that made me distrust him?"

"So, you thought it was best if you just ran away from him. But now what will you do? Be with another guy? You won't be able to be with anyone. You start thinking of the future and create such a fear inside you that it's impossible for you to have a stable relationship. You have a strong belief that everyone leaves and the moment you saw something that could break you both apart instead of facing it, you left. But you are either way not with him. What good is it doing?"

I sighed.

"It is for you to decide whether you want to be with him or not. But now we will start treating this fear inside you. You have to stop worrying about the future and start living in the present." She smiled at me. "Mira, there is no use focusing on the things you can't change. Now the first assignment you have is to open yourself to Aman. He deserves to know what's going on in your mind. So that both of you can move on."

**

And now I am back to his grandmother's place. I did keep my keys and as I came back, I heard the shower running. So he was back and taking a shower. This wasn't a good time to talk to him about this.

By the way, talk to him about what? It's not like he isn't aware about what happened. And last I remembered he was just waiting for me to move out.

Maybe I should move out right now. It will give him peace, isn't that exactly what he wants?

I guess I'm running away again.

His room unlocked.

Great, he is back and now it is time for me to sort things out.

**

This was such a hard chapter to write. :(

But some cute, happy Aman-Mira moments are coming soon!

Or Raven?

Stay tuned!:P

xx