Chapter 6

"What?" I saw as shock registered his face. I kept a passive expression and turned my back at him. Humarap ako sa fridge para hindi niya makita ang expression sa mukha ko.

"You heard me, Ian." I said calmly despite the growing emptiness that Ive felt in my chest. This should be easy. I'm used to it anyway and I've done it plenty of times. Breaking up with a guy is normal. Everyone breaks up a relationship every time. There's nothing new to it hence, I shouldn't be affected.

"Why? Anong ginawa ko? Kung dahil ito sa nangyari sa party, hindi ko sinadya ang nangyari sa party Jee. I swear I didn't know that the beer was drugged." I opened the fridge and pretended to look for something inside.

"I know Ian." Mahinang sabi ko habang nakayuko pa din sa loob ng fridge. Masarap ang lamig na dulot ng fridge. Pinapalamig niya ang nag iinit kong mga mata. Maybe it could even freeze the liquid that is threatening to fall in my cheek.

"Then why?" Kinuha ko ang broccoli kahit na hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko sa gulay. I took my time closing the fridge as I embrace the bitterness and shock in his voice.

"I got bored. You're too good for me, Ian. The likes of you bore me real fast. Too good, too ideal, too... perfect. Your kind is really not my type. Besides, ang usapan natin ay susubukan natin and I guess it didn't work so let's stop this." Walang emosyon na sinabi ko. I put down the broccoli in the sink.

"Humarap ka sa akin at sabihin mo yan!" I can sense anger in his voice and I smiled because I got the reaction that I've been hoping.

Hindi ko siya sinagot at nagkibit balikat lang ako. I was about to walk passed him when he grab my arms and forced me to face him. Nalaglag mula sa ulo ko ang hoodie at nakita ko ang panlalaki ng mga mata niya pagkakita niya sa mukh ko.

"Jee..." Nag iba ang expression sa mukha niya. Tenderness replaced the anger Ive seen a while ago. Tumaas ang isang kamay niya at marahang hinaplos ang kalmot sa mukha ko. Sinubukan kong hindi magreact. Tiningnan ko siya ng diretso sa mga mata.

"Please understand Ian that we are not serious. This is a trial relationship. Alam mo yun."

"We are not serious? Trial relationship?" he snorted and gives out an insulting laugh.

"Wow! Is that what you think it is?" Naniningkit ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin at pinilit kong salubungin ang mga mata niya. I wouldn't backed down. Hindi ko ugali ang mag back down.

"No. This is what weve talked about."

"So ganun na lang yun? Dahil bored ka na kaya bibitaw ka na lang? That's just so fucked up Jihann." Binitiwan niya ako at tumalikod sa akin. Ilang beses din niyang sinuklay ng mga daliri niya ang buhok niya.

I can sense his anger and frustration.

"What do you expect Ian?" Mahina pa ding sabi ko. Kalmado pa rin ako kahit na pakiramdam ko, anytime, may sasabog na sa dibdib ko.

"I expect us to last Jihann!" Humarap siya sa akin. His face fiercer and angrier than a minute ago. Parang naririnig ko na ang paninisi niya sa akin. Naririnig ko na ang mga tanong and I'm ready to answer all of his questions. I'm ready to face all the blames he'll throw at me.

Huminga ako ng malalim at seryosong tiningnan siya. I didn't even flinch at his angry stare. I'm used to it anyway.

"You expect us to last? I don't Ian. To be brutally honest, I wasn't only bored. I was also disappointed with you at the party. For a smart guy, accepting a drink from a stranger is utter stupidity. I hate it that I need to fight with those girls just to get you out of there. It wasn't very cool and I never dreamt of having a sissy for a boyfriend." Lalong naningkit ang mga mata niya sa sinabi ko. I would love to applaud myself for that well delivered line.

"You regret helping me out there?"

"No...I just don't want to do it all the time. Sabi ko nga, it's not very cool." I smirked at him despite the dagger look he's directing at me.

"So you're breaking up with me because I wasn't cool enough?"

"Yes." I said without batting an eyelash.

"Fine!" Galit na tumalikod siya sa akin. Napahawak ako sa mesa at napaharap sa kitchen sink. The pain in my chest is killing me and my eyes are tearing up. Ilang beses akong bumuntong hininga para pigilan ang emosyon ko nung marinig ko ang pagbukas ng pinto at ang pabagsak na pagsara nito. I stay rooted in my spot, holding on the kitchen counter tightly and suddenly losing a sense of purpose. Pero agad din akong nakabawi. Huminga ulit ako ng malalim at naglakad na papasok ng kwarto. Dumiretso ako sa banyo at naligo. Lumabas na ako at nagsuot ng bra at puting sando. Nagsuot na din ako ng denim shorts. I wanted to eat ice cream. Bibili na lang ako sa convenience store na nasa ground floor ng building. Kinuha ko ang wallet ko at susi ng bahay. Lumabas na ako ng kwarto at didiretso na sana sa front door nung mapatigil ako.

I saw Ian sitting on the sofa with his head resting on his palms. Napaangat siya ng ulo at diretsong napatingin sa akin.

I returned his gaze but I was unable to read his mind. Dahan dahan siyang tumayo palapit sa akin at nung makalapit na siya agad niyang hinawakan ang isang kamay ko.

"What are you doing Ian?" I can barely say the words. I was so shock upon seeing him.

Hindi siya sumagot. Instead, he raised my arm and examined the scratches. He gently traced each scratch with his free hand.

"Does it hurt? It must have hurt." Mahinang sabi niya at hindi ko magawang magsalita. Parang may bumabara sa lalamunan.

"Ian..."

"Gagamutin natin Jee."

Saglit lang niya akong tiningnan at naglakad siya habang hawak pa din ang braso ko papunta sa sofa. Hindi ko alam ang sasabihin. Bigla akong naguluhan. This isn't how it supposed to be. He should be mad at me. Dapat ngayon sinusumpa na niya ako. Pero bakit bumalik pa siya?

Hinatak niya ang braso ko kaya wala pa din sa sariling napaupo ako sa sofa sa tabi niya.

May kinuha siyang maliit na paper bag sa center table at kinuha ang laman.

" This will lessen the pain." Mahinang sabi niya habang pinapahiran ng ointment ang mga scratches ko. Habang ginagawa niya yun, hindi niya sinasalubong ang tingin ko. Nakayuko lang siya at ginagamot ako. His touch is gentle as if afraid of hurting me more. Hinayaan ko siya sa ginagawa niya hanggang sa naramdaman ko na may tubig na pumatak sa braso kong hawak niya.

He's crying. Pakiramdam ko, parang sinipa ako sa dibdib. Pinilit kong pinakalma ang mabilis n tibok ng puso ko. I shouldn't feel this way. Ilang lalaki na ba ang umiyak sa harapan ko? Pero bakit ganito ang pakiramdam ko?

"Ian..." Pinilit kong alisin ang braso kong hawak niya pero humigpit ang hawak niya.

"I love you." Nanlaki ang mga mata ko sa sinabi niya at napamura ako sa isip ko. Tangina!

"Ian..." I wanted him to stop. God! I don't wan't to hear what he's going to say. Pero hindi ko maalis ang saya na nararamdaman ko kahit na anong pilit kong baliwalain ito.

"That's why I just can't go away. I know that this is another stupidity on my part. Sino ba naman kasing matalinong lalaking ipagpipilitan pa ang sarili sa babaeng pinagtabuyan na siya? Hindi lang pinagtabuyan, ininsulto pa. Ang totoo ayaw ko ding magpakatanga para sayo Jihann. Ayaw kong maging katulad ni Siegfred at siguro ng iba pa. But then I realized as I went out of your building, I don't really give a damn. Wala akong pakialam kung ano ang tingin mo sa akin. I just wanted to love you. So instead of going home or somewhere to nurse my broken heart I've decided to buy a medicine for you, para pasalamatan ka sa ginawa mo. Just an alibi, but truth is, I just can't bring myself to leave you."

"Ian...stop." Pero hindi niya ako pinakinggan at parang matutunaw na ako sa titig niya.

"I won't ask you to give me a chance 'coz I know you're not the type who give chances. Rather, I give myself a chance to love you 'coz I know you're worth it." At this point, gusto ko siyang murahin. Stupid! Stupid guy.

"You're aiming for an unrequited love Ian?"

"No. I just wanted to love freely. I won't even expect to be love in return." Ohhh...

"That's very heroic and noble. Kukunti na lang ang katulad mo o baka nga nag iisa ka na lang. Do you have any idea how unworthy am I of your love?" Kahit ako, hirap paniwalaan na nasa harap ko pa siya ngayon.

"Sa tingin ko, ako lang ang makakapag sabi kung sino ang worthy at hindi worthy sa pagmamahal ko. I just would like to try Jee. Gusto kong subukan ipaglaban ang pag ibig ko. Gusto kong subukan ibaba ang pride ko para sa'yo. I would like you to understand that I am not giving up easily. Hindi lang kung ano-ano ang pinaglalaban ko Jee. I am fighting for my love." Stupid indeed. This time gusto ko na siyang batukan at the same time, yakapin.

"Very ideal and idealistic." Hindi ko napigilan ang paglabas ng ngiti sa mga labi ko. Maybe, I am also stupid.

"Not really my type and I could really hurt you bigtime Ian." I am sure of it.

"You are already hurting me bigtime Jee. What's the difference?" napabuntonghininga na lang ako.

"Aalis ka ba kung tatanggihan kita ulit?"

"No." Tumango tango ako.

"I guess as much. I've never expected you to be this hard-headed Ian." Hindi ko din inakalang lalambot ang puso ko sa kanya. He's a sweet talker and I've encountered the likes of him and I was never swayed. I am not a sucker for sweet talks because for me those words are corny. Not until now.

"I never expected you to be this mean Jee. I never expected you to be this cruel. Pero kahit na ano pa ang gawin mo, you can't pushed me away."

"I realized it now and you are not giving me a lot of choices. No... you didn't give me any choice at all." This will be hard but how could I resist him?

"So will you let me?" I saw a hint of smile on his face. Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong mapangiti. This is so...creepy and scary...and overwhelming. But hell...

"Darn it! I hate the fact that you're so perfect and ideal. But I right now, I don't want to give a damn. Just kiss me, ideal man."