Chapter 15

No one spoke while I'm driving towards his pad. The silence is suffocating me but I would always prefer his silence over his words. I'd prefer it a million times over dahil kapag tahimik siya, wala siyang nasasabing masasamang salita sa akin. Words that I know would linger in my brain and heart for a long time. Words that reminded me of who I am and how low Ian perceives me to be. Mga salitang nagpapatunay na hindi kakaiba si Ian sa lahat. Katulad ng iba ganun din ang tingin niya sa akin. Shallow, flirt and a trophy.

Again, I've made a mistake but this time I've made the biggest mistake of my life.

I've allowed myself to fall. Hard. This time I know that I am too late. Redeeming myself back would be hopeless. The feeling is too strong that fighting against it would be futile.

The bitterness of that realization almost made me sob but at the same time it made me want to hit myself for the stupidity of allowing myself to fall for Ian.

No...maybe I didn't totally allow myself. Maybe, a part of me fought against it half-heartedly. Yan ang malaking pagkakamali ko. Hindi buong puso ang panlalaban ko because at the back of my mind, at the depths of my soul, I crave for him. I longed for his embrace, I crave for his touch, I yearn for his smile and his loving stare. I must admit even just to myself that I am needy to the kind of love Ian has shown me. It was the kind of love that I would dream but would never have.

I glance at him at the passenger side and I can see his unreadable grim expression. I didn't say anything and just drive to his pad.

Hanggang sa makarating kami sa pad niya, walang salitang namagitan sa amin. I walked purposely towards his unit and keyed in his password. Sa loob ng mahigit dalawang buwan na naging kami, dalawang beses pa lang akong nakapunta dito. Hindi siya nakatira sa pad niya dahil mas gusto niyang tumira kasama ang parents niya.

Everytime na pumunta kami dito palagi siyang nagmamadali. Alam ko kung bakit. He doesn't want us to be alone. It's just so ironic that the third time I've set foot on this place, we'll do something he'd been avoiding for a long time.

I smiled bitterly at the thought. Pinigilan ko din ang sarili kong mag isip ng kung ano ano dahil ayaw kong magbago ang isip ko. I am good at blocking my thoughts. I've mastered it for a long time.

The pad is in semi-darkness dahil walang ilaw na bukas maliban sa ilaw na nasa gilid ng pinto na automatic na nagbubukas kapag binuksan ang pinto. He didn't bother to turn the lights on which is a good thing. I don't want to see his every expression nor do I want him to see mine. Nakatayo lang siya sa harap ng nakasarang pinto at nakatingin sa akin.

"Go home Jihann." The coldness in his voice almost chilled me but I ignored it. I took a step towards him.

"Why would I do that? I thought you'll be giving me what I want? Nagbago na ba ang isip mo?" I was so glad that my voice came out fine.

"You said so yourself, I wanted this from the very beginning. Alam ko naman na ang pumipigil lang sa'yo dati ay ang sinasabi mong respeto sa akin. Alam din nating dalawa na nawala na ang respetong yun. So what's holding you back?"

"Just go home Jihann. You can bring my car and I'll get it tomorrow." He said in a controlled voice.

"You're scared of touching a whore? Afraid you'll get dirty too? Don't worry I'm clean." I get rid my shirt while slowly walking towards him.

"Ito ang tingin mo sa akin di ba? A flirt and a playgirl. Let's play a game Ian. A game of breaking hearts." He gave out an insulting laugh.

"Surely, I would lose. You don't have a heart." I swallowed a lump in my throat as my eyes dampen with tears. Tears that I would never allow to fall. Not ever.

"Haven't I?" I touched his face when I'm in front of him and I felt an overwhelming feeling of tenderness towards Ian. It was so overwhelming that I almost sob at the fact that tonight might be the last night we'll ever have.

"You maybe right Ian. I am heartless so I cannot give you my heart but tonight, I'll be giving you whatever it is that's left in me." I maybe unable to give him my heart, but I will be giving him my dignity. It was a surrender. Isang bagay na kahit kailan hindi ko inisip na magagawa ko. I am a fighter and I made a vow to fight until I can.

But this feeling towards Ian...it making me feel weak. It makes me want to give up everything that I've been fighting for such a long time. Nawawalan ako ng control sa buhay ko. I am losing control of my ship and in time, I know, I would be plunging into a storm.

Parang bigla akong napagod lumaban, bigla akong napagod tumakbo. All that I wanted to do is to be beside him. I crave for the security of his arms, I longed for the comfort of his embrace. He makes me weak and this weakness would surely kill me but I no longer care.

For once, I wanted to allow myself to love. I wanted to stop being cautious coz who knows, I might not be given a chance to feel this kind of emotion again.

"However, if you don't have a condom, you have to withdraw. I don't want you spurting your seed inside me." Nakita ko ang galit na dumaan sa mukha niya. I saw how he clenched his jaw in anger that I expected him to hit me but he didn't.

"Damn you Jihann." He silently cursed before he grabs my face and brutally kissed my lips. His kiss is bruising me and I tasted blood in my mouth but I didn't complain. Hinayaan ko siyang halikan ako sa gusto niyang paraan pero hindi nagtagal, nagbago ang klase ng paghalik niya sa akin. It became passionate that I can't help but kissed him back.

It was the kind of kiss that every girl dreamt of. Passionate, sweet and full of emotion. A perfect kiss from a perfect guy. I could also dream that this is the perfect time for us and there will be no tomorrow.

I allowed myself to dream, I allowed myself to feel, I allowed myself to love without any reservations, without any fear. I break down my own walls for him. I allowed him to see the things I never allowed anyone to see.

I gave him my heart.

When he entered me, I muffled out my cry of pain. I tightly clutch at the bedsheet and ignored the seering pain in my center but it eventually subsides.

It was bliss. He was gentle, he was sweet, he could be the best lover for I couldn't compare him to anyone. It could be the best lovemaking I'll ever experience.

But at the same time our lovemaking shattered my soul. Despite the wonderful experience, I wanted to weep.

Siguro sasabihin ng iba na ipokrita ako. I offered myself to him freely. It could even be considered as seduction. I am a tease. I wanted us to do it. It appears as though I have won but I did not. I lost bigtime.

I lost because at the back of my mind, I hope that he would control himself just like before. Sa likod ng puso ko umaasa ako na katulad ng dati, kahit anong panunukso ko sa kanya, mananaig ang respeto niya sa akin.

Natalo ako dahil napatunayan ko na tuluyan nang nawala ang respeto niya sa akin.

Why would I even expect otherwise? The guy has a girlfriend and I just had sex with a committed guy.

I felt his arms tightened around my waist and I felt him inhaled my hair. I never thought that spooning could be this comforting. I closed my eyes tightly and took a few deep breaths.

Hinawakan ko ang braso niya na nakayakap sa akin at inalis sa bewang ko.

"Stay." Sinubukan niyang hawakan ang bewang ko pero nakaupo na ako sa kama. I didn't make an attempt to cover myself as I started picking up my clothes.

"Let us talk Jihann." Hindi ako tumingin sa kanya at nagsimulang isuot ang mga damit ko. I looked for my shirt when I remembered that I left it on his sofa at the living room.

"There is nothing to talk Ian. You gave me what I wanted. Thank you very much. You did great and I enjoyed it. If that's what you wanted to hear." Binuksan niya ang bedside lamp at umupo sa kama habang nakatingin sa akin.

"Why are you making this hard for us? Alam kong alam mo kung ano ang nangyari sa ating dalawa. We made love..." Sinalubong ko ang tingin niya.

"We didn't make love, we just fuck. Don't over-romanticize what just happened." I saw how his jaw clenched and his eyes narrowed in anger. Tumalikod na ako sa kanya at naglakad papunta sa pinto ng kwarto niya. Pero bago ko nabuksan ang pinto, narinig ko siyang nagsalita.

"Stop acting like a slut Jihann." Napatigil ako sa pagbukas ng pinto ng kwarto niya.

"I am not acting. If you think that I am a slut then maybe I am a slut. I won't try to change your opnion of me. I don't need to prove myself to anyone." Binuksan ko na ang pinto ng kwarto niya at lumabas. I grabbed my shirt and hastily put it on.

I then walked towards the unit door and it feels like the longest walk I've ever made in my life. Lumingon pa ako sa kwarto niya bago ko hinawakan ang doorknob, hoping that he'll come out but he didn't until I decided to turn the knob and open the door.

I took a deep breath and walked out of his unit and out of his life.