A/N: Unedited. Hindi na proofread. Tamad ang author. Mamaya siguro pag sinipag ako. 

Chapter 13

'C'est la vie.' That was my twitter post an hour ago and I was amaze upon seeing Siegfred's comment. Napataas pa ang isang kilay ko. Ang tagal na nang huling pag uusap ni Siegfred. I kind of miss him. Kahit hindi maganda ang paghihiwalay namin ni Siegfred, still siya ang pinakamatagal kong boyfriend. Bago kami naging couple, we're friends. Maybe I missed our friendship, maybe I missed the times when we used to talk without him being all touchy. Maybe, I miss having friends coz' I currently don't have friends here. What a life! I smiled when I've read his comment on my post.

'Loving you is a struggle, babe. A struggle with myself and my feelings. I am constantly faced with doubts. Does she love me? Am I enough? Did I love her enough? Loving you is survival, only the strong will survive.' Napailing ako pagkabasa ko sa post niya. Alam kong minahal ako ni Siegfred. I know that most of my ex-boyfriends have truly loved me however, their kind of love is not the kind of love that I'm looking for. Yes, Siegfred loved me but not enough to prevent him from having sex with other girls.

'Fuck off Siegfred.' I replied and moments later he replied. Mukhang wala siyang ginagawa at nakaabang lang sa twitter.

'I did fuck up'

'I said fuck off not fuck up, douchebag!' Hindi ko na napigilan ang ngiti ko. We used to talk like this. Back when we were friends.

'Hey, you don't call your beau a douchebag!'

'Ex.' I corrected him.

'Ex-beau then.'

'Stop shitting me Sieg. I'm serious'

'Im serious too.' He replied with a sad face.

'Shut up!'

'I wouldn't fuck up next time. Please...come back to me, my love. Now that you're free.' I laughed out loud. I can almost imagine his face.

'I'll block you.'

'Okay. I'll stop. But remember, before I became your beau, I was your friend. A friend...who knows every secret that Jihann Zamora have.' I rolled my eyes. Not all Sieg...not all.

'A friend who fuck all the pussy he sees.'

'Wicked! Not all though, you know how choosy I am when it comes to pussies.' Bastard!

'Asshole!'

'Yay! We're friends now!' I laughed for he remembers that I used to call him asshole.

'Shut Up! This convo is making me sick. You know the drill Siegfred.' There will be no second chance for us.

'Yeah...yeah...sad...now...I'm...crying...I...think...I'm gonna...die.'

'Great! I can't come during your funeral though.'

'Harsh but still lovable.'

'Why are you even talking to me? ' And why am I replying to him?

'Because I still love you.'

'You know that it won't change anything'.

'I know...but I hope...' A certain emotion tugged at my heart but I choose to ignore it.

'Sieg, you should have realized by now that I won't lower down my standards to fit someone like you.' Not Siegfred nor Ian. I need more than that. I deserve so much more.

'I know...' Nakaramdam ako ng awa para kay Siegfred. Maybe, I was too harsh on him and maybe I was also too harsh on Ian but I would never stick with a guy who cannot stand for me. Hindi pwede ang pwede na.

I was about to close my twitter apps when I saw a notification. I was mentioned in a post retweeted by JP.

JoPierre @raininglukas look at what you've done @jee_hon.

'Kristian @ian If only you've given me a reason to stay.'

Naningkit ang mga mata ko pagkabasa ko sa tweet niya at lalo akong nainis nung makita ko ang mga reply. It was then that I found out that he blocked me on his twitter account. The nerve! Nagmadali akong nag type ng ang posted it on my twitter account.

'If you really really wanted to stay. Reasons are not necessary.' I immediatelyclose my twitter apps and went out of my room. Anong pinapalabas niya? Na ako ang may kasalanan? Hindi ko kasalanan kung nag assume siya na naging panakip butas ko siya. It wasn't my fault if he wasn't able to handle the situation. It isn't my fault if he can't handle the situation we're currently in. Kung yun pa nga lang ay nagtatakbo na siya palayo sa akin, paano pa kaya sa susunod?

Lumabas ako ng bahay at umupo sa wicker chair na nasa terrace ng cottage. I inhaled the fresh air to calm myself from my anger towards Ian.

Nasa ganun akong stiwasyon nung nag ring ang phone ko. Tiningnan ko kung sino ang tumawag at nakita ko ang number ni JP na nagpaflash sa screen.

"Yes?" Walang kagana gana na sagot ko sa kanya.

"Way to go Jihann. Wherever you go, you either break faces or you break hearts. I wonder what's next? I heard him chuckled from the other line.

"Don't worry babe, nakarating sa kinauukulan ang message mo." Narinig ko pa siyang tumawa sa kabilang linya. Wala bang magawa sa buhay. Why won't he get busy with his girlfriend? Aren't they planning for their wedding?

"I don't care JP. To answer your question, I'm going to break balls and guess whose balls I'm going to break next? Yours." Narinig ko ulit ang tawa niya sa kabilang line.

"Very feisty indeed. By the way, where are you little love? We heard that you did not attend your class these past days." I rolled my eyes dahil sa sinabi niya.

"I'll show you." I ended the call and called his phone thru facetime. Nakita ko ang panlalaki ng mga mata niya pagkakita niya kung nasaan ako.

"Why didn't you tell me you're going there?" I just smirked at him.

"I didn't know the place existed. Mom mentioned it at mukhang maganda kaya pinuntahan ko." Nasa cottage ako beside taal lake. The place is peaceful and breathtaking. Kinuwento ni mommy na nung kinidnap siya ni Daddy, dito siya dinala which I thought is a good idea dahil hindi nga naman basta basta makakaalis si Mommy unless gusto niyang lumangoy sa taal lake. The cottage is accessible only through boat or a jetski. In my case, I used a jetski which I borrowed from Tito Paolo.

Tito Paolo and his wife Tita Anya is staying at their house in Tagaytay at doon may dock para sa jetski at boat na ginagamit ng pamilya.

"Pupunta kami ni Rayne, we're dragging Ian along." Nakangisi nang sabi niya. I didn't show any emotions upon hearing Ian's name. So what, kung magkikita kami ulit? It's not as if I am avoiding him.

"Sure."

"You don't mind?"

"Why would I?" I raised my brows at JP.

"Ang tigas mo talaga. Have you seen Ian this past week? He's a mess and you're what? Having a grand vacation? Hindi ka man lang naawa doon sa tao." Again, I rolled my eyes at him.

"JP, hindi ako ang nang iwan okay? I am not the type to mope around just because some guy left me. Ngayon, kung tumawag ka para pag usapan ang mga bagay na tapos na, tapusin na rin natin ang usapan na'to."

"Okay fine. Wait for us." He then ended the call and I was left still looking at my phone while feeling the erratic movement of my heart.

So what kung pupunta siya? So what kung makikita kami after a week of not seeing each other?

Jihann, you shouldn't be bothered by the thought of seeing him. Remember that he is not the guy for you. Isa lang siya sa mga lalaking dumaan sa buhay mo. Isa sa mga lalaking dadaan lang pero hindi naman talaga magtatagal. So really, there's no use clinging to someone who wouldn't really stay.

Tumayo ako mula sa wicker chair at naglakad papunta sa likod ng bahay. I looked at the dense forest in front of me and smelled the pine trees. Bumalik ako sa room at pinalitan ng sneakers ang tsinelas na suot ko.

I locked the door at lumabas sa kitchen door papunta sa forest. I walked for about 10 minutes hanggang sa makarating ako sa isang hindi kalakihang stable. Nilagpasan ko ang stable at dumiretso sa may di kalakihang bahay. Nakita ko ang caretaker na naglilinis sa harap ng bahay nila.

"Kuya Marlon, good morning po." He looked at me and immediately smiled.

"Ineng, magandang umaga din. May kailangan ka ba? Pasensiya ka na at hindi ka na nabalikan ni Martha. Nasa bayan kasi siya at namamalengke pa." Ngumiti ako sa kanya ng tipid.

"Sasabihin ko lang po sana na darating sila JP. Tatlo sila, pakisabi na lang p okay Aling Martha na dagdagan ang luto niya." Ang mag asawa ang caretaker ng cottage at ng stable at sila din ang nagdadala ng pagkain sa akin simula nung dumating ako.

"Ganun ba? Sige at tatawagan ko siya sa kanyang cellphone para madagdagan ang kanyang mga pinamalengke."

"Tapos po hihiramin ko din ang isang kabayo. Gusto ko sanang mag ikot ikot."

"Sige at ihahanda ko lang."

"Ako na lang po Kuya. Kaya ko namang i-saddle ang kabayo."

"Ganun ba? O sige. Pumili ka na lang sa tatlo. Pero yung sa ama mo ay yung itim." Tumngao na lang ako at nagpaalam na kay Mang Marlon at bumalik sa stable. I saddled the black horse and rode him towards the forest.

Naramdaman ko ang malamig na hangin na humahampas sa pisngi ko habang mabilis na tumatakbo ang kabayo papunta sa loob hindi ko alam kung saan. Naramdaman ko din ang unti unting paggaan ng pakiramdam ko habang palayo kami ng palayo at pabilis na pabilis ang takbo ng kabayo.

I miss this exhilarating feeling.

Bumagal ang takbo ng kabayo nung makarating kami sa itaas na bahagi ng lugar. The view is breathtaking. It's as if I'm on top of everything. Nakikita ko ang lake sa ibaba, ang mga mataas na puno ang makapal na vegetation. Bumaba ako sa kabayo at tinali siya sa isang puno.

I can see the cottage from where I'm standing. Nakikita din ang mga aalis at pupunta sa cottage. Naupo ako sa trunk ng isang natumbang puno at tumingin sa paligid. I smiled at the beauty and the tranquility in front of me. Sana mananatiling ganito ang lugar na to.

I stayed for hours just sitting on that spot and enjoying the nature. The breeze is calming and lulling me to sleep. Hindi ko aam kung nakatulog nga ba ako pero nagising ako nung makarinig ako ng tunog ng speedboat. Bigla akong napatingin sa lake and I saw a boat approaching the cottage. May tatlong sakay at kahit na hindi ko maaninag ang mga itsura alam ko kung sino ang dumating.

I tried to ignore my beyond normal heartbeat by taking a few deep breaths. Hindi ako tumayo mula sa kinauupuan ko. I stayed for another 30 minutes before I stood up and rode the horse back to the cottage.

Nadatnan ko si JP, Rayne at Kriztian na kausap si Mang Marlon sa tabi ng stable. I stopped the horse a few feet away from them.

"Impressive. I didn't know you can ride a horse Jee." Jp said the moment I jumped down from the horse.

"You don't know a lot of things about me JP." Binigay k okay Mang Marlon ang tali ng kabayo para siya na ang maglagay sa stable.

"Saan ka ba galing? Sabi ni Kuya Marlon kaninaka pa daw umalis."

"I toured the place. Hi Rayne." Ngumiti si Rayne sa akin. Nagsimula na akong maglakad pabalik sa cottage. Hindi ko tiningnan si Ian.

"You toured the place? Mabuti na lang at hindi ka nawala? Kahit si Mommy nga takot na takot pumasok sa forest nay an."

"Don't worry JP. I won't get lost. I'm good at remembering where I came from." Papasok na sana ako sa loob ng cottage nung magsalita ulit si JP.

"Hindi mo man lang babatiin si Ian?" I silently gritted my teeth and stopped myself from clenching my fist. I took a deep breath and plastered a smile before I face them.

"Hi Ian." For a moment, our eyes crossed but I immediately avoided his intense stare. I tried to swallow the rising vile of hopelessness inside me. Tumingin ako kay JP na katabi si Rayne.

"Okay na ba JP?" Hindi siya nagsalita pero tumikhim lang siya at tumingin kay Ian. Hindi na din ako naghintay na magsalita siya. Pumasok na ako sa kwarto, naligo at nagbihis. Inayos ko na din ang gamit ko at inilagay lahat sa knapsack. I cleaned the room before I went out. Hindi naman pwedeng mag overnight pa ako dito dahil dalawa lang ang kwarto ng cottage.

Hindi ko nakita sina Rayne or JP sa loob ng cottage at paglabas ko, wala din sila instead nakita ko si Ian na nakaharap sa lake.

"Nasaan sila?" Napalingon siya sa akin pero hindi siya nagsalita. Instead he check me out from head to toe but his eyes lingered on my backpack.

"Leaving so soon? Hindi mo kayang makasama ako sa iisang lugar?" His voice is dripping with sarcasm but I ignored it.

"I wouldn't really mind having you here. But you see, dalawa lang ang kwarto and I couldn't possibly share it with you. Naisip ko, since matagal na rin naman ako dito, might as well give you the place."

"How considerate. Pero di ba yun naman ang gusto mo dati pa? Us sharing a room? You almost beg me to take your virginity, right? You are cool isn't it and we both know that prudence isn't your thing." Lumapit siya sa akin and his nearness is making me uncomfortable but I didn't step back. Sinalubong ko ang galit niyang titig.

"So we ended up insulting each other."

"Ine-expect mong maging magkaibigan tayo?" He let out a hollow laugh.

"Ah, nakalimutan kong ganun ka pala talaga. Look at you and Siegfred, now in flirting mode after everything that has happened. Ineexpect mo talaga na maging katulad ako ng mga naging ex-boyfriend mo?" Nakita ko ang galit sa mga mata niya. Galit at sakit.

"No Ian, hindi ko na kailangang mag expect. You are exactly like them. The only difference between you and them is, you are bitter and they're not." I gave him a lopsided smile which irked him more. Naningkit lalo ang mga mata niya.

"Tell me Jihann, does breaking a guy's heart give you a certain kind of high?" I almost flinch at his insult but my face remained emotionless. However, the pain that scorched my heart didn't go unnoticed.

"No Ian. To tell you frankly, I felt aweful. Nakakapanghinayang pakawalan ang isang magandang bagay. But I have to let it go no matter how beautiful it is because I know that I would eventually break it beyond repair and the broken pieces would hurt me." I smiled faintly and avoided his eyes.

"Stop talking in riddles Jihann! Damn it!"

"Stop being bitter Ian. We're done. Stop posting cryptic messages on social media because it wouldn't change a thing. I've seen what you're capable of giving and it's not enough. I won't have it." Tatalikod na sana ako pero nahawakan niya ang braso ko. Napapihit ako paharap sa kanya. Mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa braso ko at nasasaktan ako pero hindi ako nagsalita. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya with that blank expression in my face.

"So this is all about you? I am not enough for you? Why? Dahil hindi ako nakipag sex sa'yo? Is that it?" Nangati ang kamay kong sampalin siya pero hindi ko ginawa. It's not worth it. He's not worth it, he's not even worth the pain.

"Sana sinabi mo na ganun pala ang relasyon na pinasok ko. Na ikaw lang ang dapat intindihin, ang damdamin mo lang ang dapat isipin?"

"Yes." Was all I manage to say. Nararamdaman ko ang pag iinit ng gilid ng mga mata ko at gusto ko nang sigawan ang sarili ko.

I cannot break down in front of him but then I am only a girl...a teenage girl. I closed my eyes tightly to stop the tears from falling.

"How selfish Jihann." Was that displeasure in his voice? Kunsabagay sino ba naman ang matutuwa sa mga sinasabi ko?

"Yes, you're right. I am selfish Ian because I know what I wanted, I know what I needed and I won't settle for anything less. I have standards. Standards higher than any of the women you've met." Stop Jihann, don't say anything more. Pinilit kong tumigil sa pagsasalita pero parang sasabog ako kapag tatahimik lang ako. Dati naman wala akong pakialam kung ano man ang isipin ng lahat. Pero kay Ian, I feel the need to explain. Pakiramdam ko hindi ako matatahimik kapag ganun kababa ang tingin niya sa akin. Somehow his opinion of me matters.

"You're a perfect boyfriend. Ang klase ng boyfriend na pinapangarap ng lahat. You're an ideal boyfriend, a dream guy. But Ian, I don't need a perfect boyfriend, I don't need an ideal man. I don't need a dream guy because I am not dreaming. I don't need a perfect boyfriend because you wouldn't fit in my imperfect life. Nor do I need an ideal man because I am living in reality and what I need is a real man." I saw how he clenched his jaw.

"Ano pa ba ang kulang Jee?" His voice broke me into pieces that I find it a miracle that I am still standing in front of him acting like everything is fine.

"Wag mo nang itanong dahil masasaktan ka lang."

"Bakit hindi mo na lang lubos lubusin? C'mon Jihann! Stop acting as if you care." I swallowed the lump in my throat at hinarap siya. Sinalubong ko ang tingin niya at ininda ang sakit pagkakita ko sa namumula niyang mga mata.

"You don't love me enough." I said without blinking. He muttered a curse.

"Not enough?" He said in a dangerous tone.

"Yes Ian."

"Potang-ina naman Jihann. Ano pa ba ang gusto mong pagmamahal?" Don't cry...don't cry... I chanted to myself.

"Yes, you love me in your own way. Maybe, in your standard, you've love me enough. Siguro nga binigay mo na ang lahat ng makakaya mo sa relasyon na yun. But I'm telling you that it's not enough Ian. The time will come that you will run and cower in fear and you will forget all about your so called love for me. The love you've shown me will never be enough because what I need is a man who will not give up easily. I need a man who will stick with me no matter what. I need a man who is not afraid to shed his blood because he love me. A man who is willing to die for me, literally. Are you that man?" I intently looked at him and he didn't say a word. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya ng ilang sigundo pero walang salitang lumabas mula sa kanya. I nodded and smiled faintly. Yumuko ako para hindi niya makita ang expression sa mukha ko.

"You're not that man Ian." Dahan dahan na akong tumalikod at iniwan siya.