Her crying eyes screamed one word: Betrayal. "Why?"

Things are not supposed to happen this way... but I guess that's too much ask for.

I bit my lip. "I don't know what you're saying, sweetheart-"

"Bullshit, Chaos! 'Wag mo na kong gawing tanga pa! Mahiya ka naman!"

Who would've thought that the very thing that I'm doing will cause her to look at me as if she regrets ever letting me in her life? When in the first place, I did all of these to prevent her from hurting even more. For her greater good. Do anyone really know how hard it is to look at someone you love more than you could ever love another as they break apart right in front of your eyes? And for you to be the reason why?

No one.

"How can you do this to me?"

I don't know. I used to know. Now things are getting way out of hand. Maybe because I love you so fucking much?

"You- I- Let me explain." I tried reaching out for her hand but she took a step back. A sharp pang in my heart made me stop and I froze.

"All this time, I thought you were helping me? I thought we're in this together? You were the only one I hoped would help me. You watch me cry every night, you see me break every day and you hear me beg every time. And... you let me?"

She looked so genuinely confused as if she really couldn't believe I could ever do such a thing. But isn't this the point of loving, sweetheart? Doing things we thought we could never do? Doing things we shouldn't do?

I looked at her as if it was the first time I'm seeing her.

I did watch you and it hurt. But I fell in love with the thought of you needing me when you wanted someone to cry on. I did see you and it hurt. But I fell even harder with the thought of you wanting me to make the pain go away. I did hear you. Sweetheart, I did and I will always do and that's why it hurt. Because every time you say his name, my heart weeps. It cries. It breaks. It begs.

Because even if I'm doing this for you, I still can't help but think... what about me?

Am I making this an excuse for you to love me differently? Realise that I am the one for you? Know that I would never hurt you? See that I deserve your love that's unconditional? I am not a martyr and I'm no saint. The thought never left my mind, yes. Is it wrong? Yes. Because I'm taking your vulnerability as an advantage. Because I wanted you. And I loved you. And I don't know what I'm doing. I used to know what I'm doing but now...

I wanted to say all of that to her. But then, what's the point? She would never understand. Hindi naman siya ang nagmahal at 'di minahal ng pabalik. 'Di ko rin kayang magalit sa kanya dahil wala siyang kasalanan... Hindi niya kasalanan na hindi ako ang mahal niya.

"Did you do this on purpose?" Did I? "Chaos, god damn it! Sagutin mo ko!"

No. God, no. I didn't realize the word came out of my mouth. Like a plea. She intakes a breath, appalled. Then I heard a sob. And another. Then another. Until she breaks.

And all I could do was stand in front of her as I stare at the food I prepared for dinner. Our dinner. Can't you see, sweetheart? We've made our 'our'. All I wanted was an 'us'. That's all I want. That's all I ask.

"You should eat." I reached out for her hand again. Tried as I might, to stop it from shaking, from hurting. Did she hear me? "It's getting late. You should have never waited for me." Weak. I am weak. And I needed her to hold me but it weakened me more when she pushed me away.

"You must be out of your mind." She gritted her teeth. "Paano mo nagawa sakin 'to? Chaos! Hindi ko matanggap!" She wiped her tears rather frustratingly. "Paano mo nagagawang umasta na parang wala kang ginagawang masama? How do you do that? Wala ka na ba talagang konsensiya?" She whispered, "Anong ginawa ko sayo para gawin mo sakin 'to?"

"Wala na kong masabi. Ang tanga tanga ko at naniwala ako sa lahat ng sinabi mo. Na di ako nadala. Dahil nung una pa lang manloloko ka naman na talaga," She laughed, humourlessly. "Hindi ko na alam... Ang galing-galing mo. Napaikot mo ko sa mga kamay mo. You're unbelievable. Hindi ko na alam kung ano pa ang mga bagay na gusto mong paniwalaan ko pero gusto kong malaman mo na hinding-hindi na ko kailanman maniniwala sa mga sasabihin mo. At nakakatulog ka sa gabi na hindi ka man lang binabagabag ng konsensya mo, ganun ba? Tao ka pa ba?"

I stared at the envelope. I can't... even breathing is getting harder for me to do.

I let her cry. I let her hate me. For a moment, nothing was heard but her cries. Wala akong lakas na magsalita. Dahil alam ko naman na lahat ng pwede kong sabihin ngayon, 'di niya pakikinggan. Masyado siyang galit sakin.

She sniffed. Her voice was calm now. "Nasaan siya, Chaos? Ilabas mo siya." She pleaded. "Wala siyang ginawang masama sayo." And tears started forming again in her eyes as she silently cries. "Binalikan ko sana siya. Babalikan ko talaga dapat siya, Chaos. Ngayon, paano na? Wala nang nagpapakita sa kanya na may nagmamahal pa sa kanya. Kasi pinagkait mo 'yun..."

"Because you're selfish." I walked to her but she stopped me with her hands. "'Wag mo kong lalapitan."

She sighed. "Wala na kong pakielam. Wala na kong pakielam sayo at sa kung ano man ang sasabihin mo dahil hindi ko rin kayang pakinggan kung ano man ang idadahilan mo. Dalhin mo ko sa kanya."

"Sweetheart-"

"Dalhin mo ko sa kanya ngayon din."

I forced myself to talk. But even I could hear myself weak, I trembled. "It's already past 11. You should rest-" She cut me off again.

"Wala akong pakielam. Wala na talaga..." She walked passed me. Her footsteps echoed in my ears.

I let her leave me. I didn't have the right to stop her... I never had the right in the first place. The thought hurt me more than it should because I was giving the answers to my questions, to my pleas.

I knew she would never stay with me. I knew she would never choose me. I knew she would never love me. She thinks I made a fool out of them but the truth was I was the foulest for making a fool out of myself.

I made myself believe that for a moment, we share the same feeling. I thought I could still fight for it... because if you want something, you fight for it, right?

"Chaos," Calia called out for me. "Kailan mo ibabalik si Apollo kay Caly? Ilang buwan na ang nakalipas. Kailan ba talaga ang tamang panahon? Matagal pa ba?" Her voice was inquiring, not judging.

I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat and looked away. "Until everything's all right."

Silence.

"Kailan ka ba magiging okay? Matagal pa ba?"

Silence.

"Alam mo sabi ng nanay ko 'nun. Mahal na mahal niya ang tatay ko at mahal na mahal din siya ng tatay ko. Hanggang sa isang araw, bigla na lang may dumating na babae sa bahay namin. Asawa pala 'yun ng tatay ko. May pamilya siyang iba." I stared at her. She was looking up in the moon. "Sabi ni nanay, anak, pag ikaw ang nagmahal ipaglaban mo. Hangga't kaya mo, hangga't gusto mo siyang nasa tabi mo," She turned her head to look at me and stared back. "Pero kung ikaw lang lumalaban sa inyo dalawa, 'wag mo ng ipilit. Dahil baka hindi talaga ikaw ang gusto niyang makasama," She sighed. "Sumuko ka na."

"Chaos, tama na. Ang dami ng nasasaktan."

I cleared my throat. "I'm doing this for her, so that-"

"Nung una, maganda ang hangarin mo. Nakita ko 'yun sa mga mata mo," She smiled sofly at me. "Pero habang tumatagal, nararamdaman kong nagiba na 'yun. Ayaw mo na siyang pakawalan kasi nasanay ka na na kailangan ka niya. Na sayo siya humuhugot ng lakas sa panahong parang susuko na siya." Her eyes held mine.

"Tandaan mo. Kailangan ka niya kasi ikaw ang makakatulong sa kanya na mahanap siya. Sayo siya humuhugot ng lakas dahil ikaw ang laging nandyan para sa kanya. At gusto ko ding maalala mo." She put her hands in mine. "Na hindi ka niya mahal sa paraang meron ka para sa kanya. Chaos, hindi masamang ipaglaban ang nararamdaman mo pero hindi na ito tama," Calia caressed my cheek. "Nasasaktan na siya..."

There's only one thing left to do.

She answered on the third ring, "Chaos?"

It's already past midnight. I felt guilty once I've realized I woke her up for this. Wala siyang kasalanan pero nadadamay siya. You're a fucking asshole, Chaos.

"Calia, we're coming."

Silence.

"Maghihintay kami."

* * *

It was already 2 in the morning when Caly finally exhausted herself from crying. We were 5 hours away from the barrio. I tried slowing down. Stopped a few times. But when my eyes always land on her, Calia's words gets me going and I'll drive once more.

The moonlight slept and the dawn started to peek. An hour more and the sun will rise...

Now that she's asleep, I turned off the engine. I stared blankly ahead. Ilang oras pa ang pwede kong nakawin para dito muna siya... Para dito muna siya sakin... I turned my head to look at her, slowly memorized her - everything about her - by the mind as if this is the last time I'll ever see her. And as I do, tears start falling from my eyes. I reached out, wanting to touch her face but I stopped myself. I leaned my head closer to hers and stared.

2 minutes.

5 minutes.

7 minutes.

The sun started to kiss her lips, and then her nose, and then her cheeks, and then her eyes, and then at her completely. She was beautiful right then, and I witnessed it right in front of me. But then, she has always been beautiful. The sun may have loved her as much as I did.

I love you, Caly. For the last time, I let myself win once again. I gently reached out to caress her cheeks - once, twice... I just really do.

"Forgive me, sweetheart," I whispered. "There are times that good guys turn into bad guys when they love. But now, I'll be good once again and bring you back to him."

I love you. But you're not happy with me...

"Chaos, please, please, bring him back to me... You will, right?" She looked me with her eyes, pleading. "Promise me, you will..."

...I will.

I sighed. I sniffed. I sighed again. I wiped my tears. I stared in front of me. I drove. I smiled. The things we do for love, really...

The sun stared at me, its light as bright as if telling me to follow it. I tried to look ahead of me what with the sun rays blinding me slightly. The trees have finally become greener.

We're here.

I saw Calia holding a bayong with vegetables in it. She was wearing a long skirt and a white off the shoulder with the wind blowing her long wavy hair that stopped at her waist. She has always been easy on the eyes, like a breath of fresh air with her simplicity and her underrated beauty. She stood innocently and patiently among the crowd. When she saw my car, she stood straighter. I stopped and waited for her.

I looked to Caly who was still peacefully sleeping. I don't know if I want to wake her...