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"How was your day?" He asked while setting up the plates to have dinner.
Ever since Apollo went missing, Chaos has been nothing but a big care bear for me. He was always there for me, whenever I cry, whenever I sigh and all the kinds of whenever I've had when I was missing my king. He was like the big brother that I wish I had. He was very attentive to anything and everything that I want. Minsan kapag nalulungkot ako, iiwan niya ang trabaho niya para lang mapuntahan ako. May it be just my moment of weakness for losing hope of ever finding my heart.
I never would've survived the heartache if it weren't for him and Matilda.
I owe them big time.
"It was great. We had a lot of fun. You know, Matilda." I said as I stared at him in his white shirt and black slacks. His hair was disheveled, he looked relaxed and he was barefoot. "How long have you been here? Kakarating mo lang ba?"
He poured juice into my glass and I watched as it was filled, "Di naman. Napaaga kasi ang out ko sa office. My meeting was rescheduled." He paused, "May nangyari lang kasi. I had to go and check it out." He said as he sat on the chair opposite to mine. He put food on my plate before he did the same to his.
I used to do that to Apollo.
May nagaasikaso kaya sa kanya ngayon?
I cleared my throat and tilted my head, "Chaos," He hummed at me but continued to chew his food. Kumuha pa siya ulit. We were eating lasagna for dinner. It was a takeout that he bought. "Do-do you have news?" I asked as my heart continued to pound waiting for a miracle and bracing myself for another disappointment. "Did-did someone call? Or anything?"
Please.
He stopped chewing and grabbed his drink. I waited for his reply, anticipating a change of fate's design. God, I hope so. He cleared his throat and looked at me, "Why? May nangyari ba sayo ngayong araw na to? Anything strange?"
I exhaled, "Wala naman. Pero kasi-"
"Kung may balita ako sasabihin ko sayo." He said and continued eating again.
My shoulders slumped. "Baka lang naman kasi may pagbabago. Baka kasi may tumawag or-"
"Caly, sasabihin ko kung may balita na. Please eat." He said lowly. His voice almost strangled. Almost croaked. Almost angry. Why-
But I couldn't stop.
"Ang tagal tagal na kasi nating naghahanap Chaos pero bakit hanggang ngayon wala pa rin tayong lead? Diba-diba madami ka namang connection? Iisang tao lang naman si Apollo. It wouldn't take a squad to find him. Wala naman siyang ibang mapapagtaguan, hindi ba? It's been 5 months since the search operation bakit hanggang ngayon ni isang balita wala tayong natatanggap? Baka kung ano ng nangyari kay Apollo-"
"Caly!" He roughly put his hands flat on the table. Nagulat ako. Natakot ako. I looked at him shockingly. Tinignan niya ako ng may galit sa mga mata niya. Napaawang ang mga labi ko, "I said, I will tell you if I have news. Kung hindi mahanap, eh di hindi mahanap!" Sinisigawan niya ako.
Naiiyak ako.
Kung hindi mahanap, eh di hindi mahanap!
Hindi mahanap, eh di hindi mahanap!
Eh di hindi mahanap!
Hindi mahanap?
Si Apollo ko. Baka hindi na mahanap?
I whimpered. Si Apollo ko? Hindi na mahahanap. I put my hands in my face and cried for the possibility of my loss. Hindi pwede. Hindi pwede!
God, please! Please bring him home. Please bring him back to me!
I was finding it hard to breathe, it has been a very long time since I cried hard dahil lagi naman nilang pinapalakas ang loob ko pero bakit nagiba na ngayon?
Bakit si Chaos na mismo ang nagsasabing baka nga hindi na mahanap si Apollo? Bakit? Bakit niya ginagawa sakin to? Dapat hindi siya sumuko. Dapat maghanap pa rin siya!
I was shaking. My eyes were closed but the tears kept flowing. I couldn't stop. No, i won't stop! I won't stop waiting. I will keep on hoping. Kung lahat sila sumusuko na, pwes ako hindi! Kung nagsasawa na silang maghanap, ako ang maghahanap! Kung ayaw na nila akong tulungan, ako ang gagawa ng lahat magisa! Hindi ko kailangan ng false hopes. I will do the finding myself even if the world told me I couldn't.
I can hear his breathing from where I sat from the shouting that he had done. I was still crying so hard but I can still hear him sighing and probably looking at me with pity in his eyes, that I couldn't care less. Wala siyang karapatang sabihin yun.
Regrets. I don't want regrets from his outburst.
Maybe napapagod na talaga siya. Siguro ayaw na niya akong tulungan. Kaya ko. Pwes, kakayanin ko kung ayaw na nila.
"Caly," Narinig ko na naman ang lambing sa mga boses niya. I was finding it hard to calm myself. I am so hurt. How dare he? How dare he say that to me gayong sila na lang ang nagbibigay sakin ng suporta para kayanin ang lahat ng ito? I heard the chair scraped. The chair he was sitting on. I heard footsteps on my side but I couldn't move. I felt a presence on my right but I couldn't see. No.
Apollo...
"I didn't mean to shout at you, sweetheart." I felt his arms rested on my knees, he was soothing me. His other arm holding the back of my chair. "I'm so sorry. Please, stop crying. I'm an idiot. Hurt me, please, just don't-" He paused and then I felt his arms around me, comforting me. "Don't hate me."
I don't.
But I was hurt.
"Please, don't hate me." He kissed the crown of my head and I eventually felt tired from crying. I put my hands down and played with the hem of my shirt. His warmth enveloped my sorrow, it helped a bit. But only a bit. Nothing could ever replace the way Apollo's presence surround my burning turmoil.
I sighed, heavily.
I grabbed his shirt and pulled him to me. I looked at him in the eye, "Chaos. Promise me."
He looked at me for awhile, his eyes staring at my tear streaked face, "Anything."
"We will find Apollo. Promise me. Promise me!"
I needed it. God, I will beg for it. Please. Please!
He stared at me for awhile, I can see regrets in his eyes, probably still hung up on his outburst a while ago but I persevered, I need him to tell me that everything's going to be alright or at least will be. I saw his face hardened and lifted his hands to cup my face. His thumb slowly brushing the dried tears, the tears I do not for once regret that is for Apollo.
I was breathing heavily. The hollow of my heart slowly reaching its peak of miracle and I was even more determined to do everything with my bare hands, no matter what.
No fucking matter what.
Wait for me baby, I'm coming for you.
I'm so done hoping.
I'm going to do this. I will find you and I will love you harder. I promise.
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