"What?" He looked at me as if I have suddenly grown two heads. Though, I wished that could've happened instead of this.

I cleared my throat and looked at Apollo again. "I'm breaking up with you."

This could hurt me - ruin me for all that its worth. How much did I really loved this man? So much I could never ever comprehend. This man was the most beautiful thing that has ever happened to me. They say: he was lucky I fell in love with him. But the honest to god truth is that I am so lucky he chose me. With all the flaws that I have, he looked passed through it and made me feel like there is something beautiful about it and I deserved it. Truth is, I loved him so much, I forgot to love myself.

I must learn to love myself before I could completely love someone.

It's never a question who that man will be. Apollo is the only one I could imagine walking me to the aisle, exchanging vows and live a quiet life with me. There is no one else, that is not a doubt. It would only be him. I needed him to trust me on this one because I needed to start afresh and to be able to do that, I must start again from the bottom and work myself up - to freedom.

I needed to be strong and I needed to do the right thing not just for me but also for us. This decision is the only one that I think would get me to self-actualization. I just hope Apollo would understand.

I hope Apollo would wait for me.

The look he gave me could not compare the hurt I was feeling of ending this relationship. He was looking at me as if trying to think of something he did wrong, but the truth is, there is nothing wrong with him.

You are amazing, Apollo King and I love you dearly.

He cleared his throat and shook his head a little. He painted a smile on his face that obviously didn't reach his eyes and it made me think I was doing the wrong thing but no. I really have to do this. It's tearing me apart. 

"No, let's- let's try and communicate okay, baby?" He licked his lips. He was shaking his head, "Do- do you need a space? I could give you space, yeah? You need to find yourself, I get that. That's- that's the only explanation for this. Caly, we've been through a lot, right? We've managed to survive all of it together, why- why the sudden change? Why- why the sudden break-up? Honey, I don't- I don't understand. May ginawa ba akong mali? Na hindi mo nagustuhan?"

He doesn't understand. I tried to clear the tightening of my throat to avoid my voice to crack. I cleared my face with any kind of emotion because I wanted to come off as strong and that I already thought all of this. "You don't. I need to do this."

He reached for my hand but I backed away. I don't want him to touch me, god magbabago ang isip ko pag hinawakan niya ako. Please, give me strength.

Please, let me go.

"I want to break-up with you."

For us Apollo, for you.

"I've already made a decision and it's not going to change. Whatever you say, I won't take it back."

I was expecting him to be mad, probably even slap me for doing this to his poor heart. But he needed to learn that our love is dysfunctional and that we're both too flawed for this to keep on happening. I wanted to do this for myself. I was shocked - no, I felt like I wanted to cut my heart so deep and bleed to death when I saw Apollo cry. In front of me. Right under the moonlight. At the rooftop of my condo.

Oh, my god.

He was looking - staring at me with a tear on his tear-stained on his left cheek. I needed, no - wanted to brush it away but I can't - won't touch him.

I'm so sorry.

"Baby," He was my weakness. "Why are you doing this to me?" His voice was weak. His deep gentle voice is what I'm going to miss the most. And the eyes that were filled with hurt will haunt me every second that I regret I ever hurt the man I loved the most. 

"May ginawa ba akong mali? May hindi ka ba nagustuhan? May - may nasabi ba ako? Caly, hindi ko po maintindihan. Kung gusto mo naman magisa, I'll give you space. I will give you everything that you want baby. Kahit ano. Kahit masakit sakin na nakikita ka'ng nasasaktan at wala akong magawa, gagawin ko. Pwera itong gusto mo Caly Sebastian. Hindi mo alam kung gaano kita kamahal. Ikaw na lang ang kakampi ko. Lahat sila ayaw sa akin. Lahat sila kinamumuhian ako." Nagsumbong siya sa akin na parang batang humihingi ng awa.

Apollo ko. Patawarin mo ako. But this is one of the reasons why we should stop for now. We have to fix ourselves for our eternity. Para sa atin itong ginagawa ko.

"Ikaw na lang ang nag-iisang rason para mabuhay ako." Sobrang sakit.

"Magiging pabigat ka lang sakin." I needed to do this. "I have so much on my back right now and doing this would only make it a lot easier for me."

I knew once he sees how much I'm hurting and doubting, he would get through me. I had to lie. I had to do everything to control his poison that I consumed the moment he told me he loved me. I wasn't going to put all of this to waste. All of this will be worth it, I know.

"But I love you," I know. "We can get through this, I swear. I could help you." He tried reaching for my face but I averted my face and he stopped midair. "Baby..." Longing. Hurt. Begging. That much I could understand the way he reached out to me.

"If you don't have anything to say to me anymore, you can leave," I said, turning around.

If only... If only he didn't reach out to me. I would've saved the tears that were now continuously flowing in my eyes. I covered my mouth to stifle the sob that I desperately wanted to do. If only he didn't run to me and hug me from behind. God, no.

"Please, baby," I felt another tear from him that dropped on my shoulder. "Please, baby. No, no, no, no." He tightened his arms that enveloped my vulnerable body. He buried his face in the back of my neck. I would miss the way he always does this to me.

Saglit lang ito Apollo. Pinapangako ko.

I was trying to breathe on my mouth for him to not figure out that I'm hurting - so hurt, parang gusto kong biyakin ang puso ko para hindi ko maramdaman ang ganitong klaseng sakit. But then Apollo, god knows how much I'm hurting him right now. I am the only one that is left for him and I'm leaving him?

I am a horrible person.

But this is something I needed to do.

"Goddamn it Apollo, don't touch me!" I grabbed his hands that were tightly curled around my stomach and with all that is in me, removed it from his hold. His hold did not budge but he loosened it. "If you really love me, you will let me go."

"Why are you leaving me?" He sounded like young Apollo trying to beg for his Mommy to not leave. Oh god, I'm not leaving you, my love. I'm not. "You are the only one that is left for me, Caly. I am nothing without you."

I tried to remove his hand and this time, he really did remove it on his own. I missed him already. "You're not the only who has nothing then." And just for an additional salt into the wound. You needed this, darling. 

"Lumaki ka'ng nag-iisa. Kakayanin mo ding mabuhay ng mag-isa." I told him, without turning to face him. I would break. "We can't live evolving around each others' axis, Apollo. Believe me, loving you isn't the only reason I was born in this world." I lied. I fucking lied.

Silence killed me and what he said after made it even more real, "You are so selfish, baby."

I took a step. I was leaving him. And then another and another and another.

But not for good.