Do you know that feeling when you told your parents you're going somewhere that when you ask their permission if they'd allow you to go, they would totally be against it but you still went there? 

That gut sucking feeling when you're on your way home thinking of all the possible excuses that you could say? Playing scenarios in your head of what's going to happen if they really knew where you went? That uncontrollable beating of your heart when you walk in your door, entering your home and watch their reactions as you set foot in your living room? 

The way they stare at you and you're just standing there thinking: fuck they knew where I went, fuck they knew I was lying, I'm so totally fucked, fuck.

Fuck.

"Caly, are you alright? Humihinga ka pa ba?" Chaos went to seat on my bed and shook my shoulders. I was beyond fucked. I looked at him. "Caly, ano ba'ng nangyayari sayo?"

Oh shit.

Ohhhh shit.

I was hyperventilating. The abnormal beating of my heart made me realize how in deep shit I am. I couldn't breathe. I am in big big big trouble. Oh my, god. Oh my, god. What the fuck am I going to do? Oh my, god. I'm cussing. I'm cussing. I can't- I can't move. Oh my, god.

I couldn't move. I couldn't think. I stood up and paced around my bed. Anong gagawin ko? Si Apollo nasa labas. Chaos. Chaos is in my condo. Chaos is inside my condo. Chaos. Chaos is inside my room. He's inside my room and sitting on my bed. My bed. Chaos is in my bed. Apollo's outside my condo. He's going to be so angry. So so angry when he finds out about this. Anong gagawin ko- Anong gagawin ko?! Oh my, god. I'm in panic mode. I'm panicking. I'm- I'm-

"Caly, you're scaring me." I looked at Chaos like a deer in the headlights. My eyes were big and scared. Chaos. Chaos sat there like nothing's going to happen. Like my boyfriend is not outside my condo. Apollo.

The moment I thought of his name, I heard a knock on my door. Three knocks. Those were three faint knocks. In my head, it went slow-mo and it was loud. It was the scariest thing ever. Maybe it wasn't Apollo. Right? Maybe it wasn't him? I heavily exhaled smiling at my craziness and looked at Chaos. Plus, how would Chaos know if it's Apollo. Ni hindi pa nga sila nagkikita? Ni hindi pa nga niya alam mukha nito? Maybe it was a guy across who kept on asking for sugar. White sugar to be exact or, or, or that guy from Room 215 who knocks on my door to ask for a sugar, only it was brown. Yes, yes I have two kinds of sugar because I didn't like the brown sugar but Apollo loved it-

"Caly? You're having a panic attack. You're so pale and you're sweating like crazy." Chaos said.

"Baby," Someone called from the door. Shit, I know that voice too well.

The moment I heard that voice mentioned my name, I savagely grabbed Chaos' hand who was stunned and confused about my reaction. "Caly-" I immediately pulled his body from my bed, opened the door of my bathroom and pushed him in there. "What-"

"Please, please, please Chaos. If you want to live or, or- If you want us to be friends, stay there."

"But-"

"Fucking stay there, Herrero. For fuck sake." I couldn't stop being firm and when I thought about it, I knew I was being harsh. "I'm sorry, just let me explain later. Just hide, okay? Don't say anything. Stay there."

The way Chaos looked at me right now made me impatient. His knitted gray sweater with a black shirt underneath made him look innocent. His gullibility will be the death of me - no, us if he doesn't stop being so stubborn and listen to me. His stare made me think it was passed 20 minutes but in reality, his nod of approval happened for only 3 seconds. 

Good.

"Caly? I know you're in there. Open the door."

I ran to the living room before making sure my room was locked and secured. I calmed myself before grabbing the doorknob. I fixed my clothes, palmed my hair, licked my lips and opened it. 

Apollo, in all his beautiful glory, was leaning against the side of my door biting his lips and guarding my reactions. His eyebrows shot up as if asking me if it's safe to be near me. Oh, he has no idea. Truth is, there is nothing more than I want to do but to hug him and make him understand everything is fine.

Fine before but right now, I want him to leave.

"Baby," He poked my pointer finger.

Sa totoo lang sa sobrang dami kong iniisip, hindi ko na alam ang uunahin ko. Si Chaos ay nakatago sa bathroom at si Apollo ay nilalambing ako. Gusto kong magkausap kami ni Apollo at ayusin ang problema namin pero naba-blanko ako sa mga nangyayari. 

God, if he only knew.

If he only knew- If he only knew how I was struggling to keep my face straight and void with emotion. If he only knew how desperate I am to make him leave or maybe even leave with him because this is not the perfect time. I'm not ready. I'm not ready for Apollo to meet Chaos. I don't know what will happen- I don't have the slightest idea what he would do if he ever found out that some guy who's I quote, in love with me is in the bathroom hiding because my boyfriend can get quite delinquent. I'm not- I'm not yet ready- I still- I need- I want more time. I'm-

"I love you." Just like that, I forgot everything.

He slowly intertwined his hands in mine. He lifted my hand to his lips and softly kissed it. His eyes never leaving mine. He captivated my turmoil. The faint touch of his lips against my hand, the way he subtly strokes my palm with his hand made me forget everything. Everything. My mind went blank and the only thing that matters is that he was holding my hand. The hurt and tears I endured for the reasons, the problems, the fucked up situations, I forgot it all. Just like that.

Just like that.

My love for him is empowering. Uncontrollable, unpredictable but pluperfect.

"I'm so sorry for ignoring you. I know, I know what you're trying to make me understand. I know that you're trying to give me time to reflect. I'm so sorry that I tend to downgrade myself it's just that-"

He looked at me, really looked at me. I couldn't help but shed a tear. He is beautiful. 

My heart was beating hysterically, these are one of the moments that my emotions get overdrive, "You know I love you so much. I can't bare looking at you hurt- the way you, the way you looked at me and the way your tears cascaded in your face, it was- it was too much I couldn't stop. I lost control. I don't want you getting hurt and so, I just- I saw red and all I wanted to do was to hurt him. I was, I was also scared of myself. I had to run away for awhile, I had to forget your face so scared for me, so scared that I could've hurt somebody- I could've hurt you. I-"

My baby. His voice low and slightly croaked made everything so unearthly. His eyes, his eyes were always my favorite, "I just really love you so much. Please, forgive me."

I stared at him, letting his confession sink into me. "I just want you to try and not do this again? Masakit po kasi, ha? Apollo, ha?"

He nodded like a kid listening to an instruction. I sighed. I really love this man. Minsan kasi yun lang naman ang hinihingi natin sa taong mahal natin, ang mag-explain kung anong nangyayari. In Apollo's case, he confessed and to think, he never really did do anything. The only mistake he did was trying to stay away from me whenever something like these happens when he could've just done the same thing and explained right away. Iintindihin ko naman siya. Lagi naman, lagi naman akong nandito para sa kanya eh. 

Just an explanation and a sorry. That's all I need.

Then he smiled, he bit his lip and asked, "So, can I come in? It has been a very long day and I missed you."

Oh, right. "Eh, ikaw din naman may kasalanan kung bakit eh." I let him in. I closed the door and looked at him as he stared at me, his face looking at me indifferently. What? Did I say something?

I frowned at him and asked, "What? May sinabi ba ko? May something ba sa mukha ko?"

He licked his lips and went to me, his arms encircling my tiny waist and pulled me close to him, "Ikaw ah."

"Bakit?"

"I thought cooking isn't your forte." He leaned his head to the right and stared at my face.

"Oo nga. I never really learned how to cook."

"You're a liar."

What? I'm not- "It's true! Bakit kailan ba ko nagluto?"

He laughed, his head shaking as if telling me, no. "Liar. Kung hindi ka nagluto, sinong nagluto ng fettuccine?"

I was frowning. What-"Fettuccine...?" He pointed at my kitchen and there I saw the food scattered around my sink and the fettuccine displayed in the center of my dining table. My eyes widened at the realization.

I just forgot about the man hiding in my bathroom.