"Chaos." The disappointment in my voice was evident. 

I was frowning at him, never mind the tears that started to fall from his confession. I shook my head and inwardly sighed. He was supposed to be my pillar right now and the way he defiantly sat there not taking back what he said made me want to leave.

I don't have time for this.

I stood up and got my bag. How could he do this to me? I was expecting a sympathy for him and maybe even an advice but certainly not a confession. Fallen in love?

Chaos, gods, what the hell am I going to do? Alam ko, hindi niya mapipigilan ang feelings niya but right now-? Really? Ngayon na? Can't he see that I'm already dealing with so many things all at once?

He chose to tell me now that I'm already facing a lot? He knew I needed someone to be with right now, he knew I didn't have many to choose from kasi lahat sila lumalayo sakin. Why is he doing this to me?

I frustratingly brushed the tears from my face. Nadagdagan lang ang problema ko. Nadagdagan lang ang iisipin ko. Apollo's ignoring me. My family's conflicts. My fucked up life? Chaos' confession. Napapagod din naman ako. God, napapagod din ako.

I closed my eyes, looking at the people on the street across me, never caring if I looked like a pity mess which I probably do. I sniffed. The heaviness of my heart making me harder to breathe and think. My mind not functioning well and probably too tired to digest another information. What did I ever do to deserve this? Hindi nila alam kung ga'no kabigat ang dinadala ko. Hindi nila alam kung ga'no kahirap ang sitwasyon ko. I never asked for anything, but why me?

I felt a pitter patter above me. The liquid flowing down on my face, hiding my tears from the curiosity of the people walking around me. I let the rain envelop me with its nostalgic feeling. Maybe the cry of the clouds will wash away my quandary? I hope it does. I hopefully do wish it does.

Everything that's bothering me runs round and round and round in my mind, I couldn't get them out of me. Maybe the pain it brought and the rain delivered made me numb for a while. Because If I can still feel...

If I can still feel I would've heard Chaos running after me, I would've seen him stand in front of me, I would've felt him hug me. Under the rain, Chaos Herrero hugged me like he never wanted to let go. His breath on my neck surrounded me like satin provides softness into my skin.

Maybe that was the only push I needed, I sobbed. Chaos' hug, it was comforting. How I wished he didn't confess - how I wished he didn't confess now. Paulit-ulit kong pinaparamdam sa kanya ang rejection and every time he lets me know how much I mean to him, paulit-ulit akong nakakaramdam ng guilt because he didn't deserve it. A man like Chaos wasn't cut to be refused not by anyone and especially not from me.

"I'm so sorry, Caly." He said his voice low and sincere.

My arms were shaking, my voice was too, "I should have never," I sniffed, "I should've never acted like that." I felt my arms enveloping his body, wanting a console, not just for me but also for him. "I'm so sorry. It's my fault. I never should've-"

His hands brushing my hair, "Sssh. No, it was all on me. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you cry. Please, don't cry." He moved his head and faced me, cupping my face, brushing my tears, making it all go away.

"I won't take back what I said, no matter what happens, my feelings for you will always stay. And I'll be here whenever you want me to. I will always look out for you, sweetheart. So, please stop hurting because it hurts me too."

I bit my lip and stared at his face. He continued brushing strokes in my cheeks, his eyes roaming around my face. "I'm still your friend, that's never going to change. It's just that I care for you a lot more than you do to me." He smiled like everything's okay. As if I didn't hurt him many times already. "We're okay, okay? Nod for me." Who am I to decline?

I nodded.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He continued apologizing. He's right. After all, he's all that I've got. Right now.

After a while when my breathing went back to normal, he said, "Let's get you settled. You're wet and you're going to get sick. Is it okay if we go to my condo? Or we could go to yours? It's your choice. Tell me what you want."He said his voice low and soft, maybe trying to sense If I'm going to cry again.

I sighed and sniffed like a baby, "We can go to mine." He nodded and ushered me to his car. I just really needed time for myself.

* * *

I was sitting on my bed, staring at nothing. I cleared my mind for a bit and stopped worrying for a while. I focused on breathing and meditating my nerves that are everywhere. I realized, I really was a pitiful mess. I wish Apollo was here. He could hug me and for all that is worth, that could only be the solution to my shattered feelings. His warmth, his security, his presence, it's what could calm my inner turmoil. Just one word from him and I'll be okay again. I'll forget all the troubles again, just one word.

Baby.

I can smell someone's cooking. I sighed, sinabi ko na sa kanyang wag na siyang magabala. Papagurin lang niya ang sarili niya dahil wala naman akong ganang kumain. Although what he's cooking, it smelt wonderful it almost made hungry. Almost. I just couldn't fathom the fact that Apollo might be starving his self right now and I'm eating Chaos' cooked food for me. Chaos. A guy friend of mine that Apollo never knew already existed and crawling its way in my life like a growing vein inside my system.

Chaos. He confuses me. Here I go again. Stop. Inhale, exhale. Think about plain whites. Blank spaces. Clear skies. Meditate. Meditate. I closed my eyes and continued my mantra.

Clear skies.

Blank spaces.

Plain whites.

"Caly."

Inhale, exhale.

Meditating.

Forgetting.

Concentrating.

"Someone's here at your condo."

Light. I feel light.

Inhale, exhale.

Forgetting.

Meditating.

Concentrating.

"Caly, Apollo's outside your condo. Should I open the door?"

Shit.