"I wanna be your endgame. (Oh, I do, endgame) I wanna be your first string. (first string) I wanna be your A-team. (A-team) I wanna be your endgame, endgame." - End Game, Taylor Swift

Arora and me, we got big reputations. She heard about me, and I got some big enemies. We would be a big conversation in all of the cities. If they found out about us, of course.

That's all that was on my mind that evening when I was alone in my room. I managed to not get drunk, just a little bit tipsy from the wine. "I'm one call away, whenever you need me," I had said to Arora when I left.

I was so happy we were officially on friend terms now, and maybe even something more. But I couldn't hope for that, even though we both practically admitted it. I just didn't want to push her into my expectations. We were friends now, and I would take that for granted now.

When I got back to my room after leaving Arora at her door, I kept my clothes on. I felt too vulnerable to walk around naked, while I had no problem with that before.

I ordered dinner in my room, not wanting to see my parents. They could do without me for a day, I was sure. I just needed some time for myself after what felt like a great victory. So I ate in silence and thought about the gorgeous human being named Arora Aurum.

I wanted to be her endgame, her first string, her A-Team. I wanted to be her everything, to live up to my big reputation. And I heard about Arora, she likes the bad ones too.

I was so stoked, I needed a toast. But I wouldn't get anymore alcohol, I needed to sleep off the amount of toxins I had consumed the last few days. I needed to be happy and I think Arora was helping me with that.

She had to know that I wanted to be her endgame. I had a big reputation and I've got a bad boy personality, because that's what they like. But I also had a reputation that didn't precede me. You hold me down, and I will protect you with my life.

I wasn't sure she knew that part of me, or if she only knew the rumors they told about me. But she likes me for me, she knows the Ebony beneath this bad girl skin I gave myself.

Beneath the girl I showed the public, I had a soft girl skin. She loves it, and I love it too, because she's my type.

~

I don't want to touch Ebony, I don't want to be just another ex-love of hers. It had been so brave of me to almost admit my feelings to Ebony, but I couldn't be her lover. Everyone knew the princess' reputation, her many ex-lovers and short standing relationships Ebony had. I didn't think there would be room for a long relationship in that lust-loving mind of hers.

We had gone home together and she had left me at the door of my room. A room I luckily did not share with my parents. They would not think good of my feelings for Ebony. I knew that for sure.

A few years ago, they had established a few rules for the dating lives of me and my little sister. We could date everyone we wanted and they would make sure it could stay private. Boys, girls, rich, poor, they did not care. If we wanted to marry them, however, our parents would need to give their approval. That was fair game for me. In my case, my partner would be the future High Prince or Princess of the city.

Only, there was one strict rule they had established. They had looked me right in the eyes for this one. "You don't get to date anyone from the City of Night, especially not Princess Ebony Keeling," they had said. My sister Feyla had asked why, on which they only replied: "We're not on good terms with the King and Queen of that city."

That was that. There had been no more words spoken on the subject, but it now felt like my parents knew I would fall for Ebony. I had never dated anyone before, waiting for the right person to pass, but what I felt for Ebony was all I had ever hoped for. However, my parents made sure it would be out of reach for me.

I don't want to hurt Ebony, but I would have to stop this love from happening. We both would need to find someone else to spend our days with. Alas, Ebony had a boyfriend.

I know what they all say, but I want to be her endgame. I ain't trying to play. But I don't want to miss her, like the other lovers do. Who said what she feels for me is as true as my love is? Who said it's not the same she feels for Damian. Because I have seen how he did not care when Ebony was dancing and kissing with others. Who will say I'm not going to be one of her sex toys?

I don't want to see what would happen if I chose to love her, but she would not love me back. I don't want to see what would happen if I chose to give, but she would only take.

But I just want to be drinking on the beach with her all over me. I just want to be her endgame, even if that dooms me.

~

My reputation precedes me, in rumors I'm knee-deep. The truth is, it's easier to ignore it, believe me. I could only hope Arora would also ignore the rumors, because we might be lost if she didn't. I would really like it to love her, but she had to accept my love.

After dinner, I unclothed and went to bed. I preferred to sleep naked, even at the end of fall when it was getting colder, like now. So I wrapped myself up in the thick blankets and let my head rest on the soft pillow. I needed to get my head off Arora to sleep, but the golden haired princess was stuck in my brain.

I would have to dream of her, dream of what it would be like to be her lover, like I had done so many times before. For her beautiful traits and how she does it with ease. For all my flaws, paranoia and insecurities. I've made mistakes and some choices, that's hard to deny. But it could be the downfall of the love that could have been.

After a while, I got up from my bed and picked a book from my small bookcase. If that's what it would take to get me to sleep, I would read a book.

But it didn't work. I still could only think of Arora. Even after multiple attempts to follow the story. My thoughts only went to Arora, her beautiful face, her gorgeous body, the things she might do in bed...

I don't want to touch her. I don't want to be just another ex-lover like the ones I had so many of. I don't want to miss her like the other boys miss me. I don't want to hurt her. I know what they all say about me, but I'm not trying to play.

This feeling I have for Arora, that's what real love feels like. I don't think I ever experienced that before. The kisses we shared last night, those were the best kisses I've ever had. I never had such an experience with any of the boys I've dated. Whatever stupid rule my parents put up that I can only date boys, I've only ever loved girls.

And I think I knew that well before Arora, but I only realized when I couldn't stop thinking about her after that party last september. When I started to spend my days and nights thinking about her, dreaming about her. And I really knew when I started to fantasize about sex with her, when those fantasies made the nights I spend with Damian dull.

Now, I stopped sleeping with Damian altogether. He didn't mind that much, he knew that I still wanted to have my flings with others at parties and he knew we had all the time in the world to make love when we got married.

If it wasn't for Arora. Because I want to love her. Of everything in the world, I want to be her endgame. I've passed days without fun, but this endgame is the one.

~

Ebony heard about me, I got some big enemies. My parents don't want us together and I can't imagine her parents would be fine with it. It's an impossible love, but it's so good.

I still hadn't grown accustomed to sleeping in the palace of the City of Night and thinking of Ebony wasn't helping with trying to sleep. I really needed to sleep off all the alcohol I had consumed the last few days - a lot more than I would have at home - but I just couldn't get to sleep.

Yes, she and I, we got big reputations. She and I, we would be big conversation. And I heard about her, she likes the bad ones too.

Because I realized I wasn't the sweet girl I had grown up to be. Deep inside me, in the core of my being, I wasn't the good girl. I found a version of myself that wanted to defy my parents, to love Ebony to whatever end and at whatever cost. That version of me was new, I hadn't known her before I came to love Ebony. That girl was dangerous, a bad girl.

It hit me like 'bang', with the love I suddenly felt for Ebony. The kisses we shared in the bar, we tried to forget it but we just couldn't. If my reputation precedes me, they will tell her I'm crazy. I swear I don't love the drama, it loves me.

It feels like there's a 'before Ebony' and an 'after Ebony' now. With all the drama and drinking I've been involved with since I met her here, I know I've changed. Or the world around me has changed. Ebony put my life in a whole different perspective, and I for sure hope she loves me as much as I love her.

Because I can't let her go, her handprints are on my soul. It's like her eyes are the liquor we drank and her body's gold. Her beauty is that of a goddess and I want to worship that for the rest of my life. If Ebony loves me like I love her, I'm ready to give up everything I know for her.

But there's still fear, it hits me like a blow in the face. I have no idea if she loves me this much, or if this is just how much she cares about all of the other boyfriends she's had. I have seen how she acts with Damian, how it looked like she often ignores him at parties to dance with another boy. How he hadn't looked twice when Ebony and I stood kissing in the middle of the dancefloor. You can't really say that it looks like they love each other. All I can do is pray that she loves me more, all I can do is pray that this is all real.

Because she's been calling bluff on all my usual tricks, so here's a truth from my red lips.

I want to be her endgame. I want to be her first string. I want to be her A-Team. I want to be her endgame.

Endgame.