I'd never had anxiety, at least as far as I knew, but the closer it got to my due date the more anxious I got. I never had a full on panic attack until the morning of July twelfth. Around four when I finally hauled myself out of bed. I stretched and looked down. My bump had dropped. I knew what that meant. The need to vomit had me rushing to the bathroom. I hadn't eaten anything since supper the night before so there wasn't much in my stomach, but it came out. Then I sat on the floor in the bathroom trying not to panic. I'd been having Braxton-Hicks for more than two months, and they'd been especially bad for the past week, but I didn't think anything of it. I wasn't due for another three weeks. I was doing ok, my breathing was still even. And then the first contraction hit. It hurt. A lot. That's when it all became real. Breathing hard I pushed myself upright. I wasn't ready. I couldn't do it. The contraction passed and I leaned against the counter. I was tempted to get Jack, but I knew it was early and the contractions had just started so I really didn't need to panic too much. But I did panic. My chest got tight. I couldn't breathe. So I did what jack told me to do and I stumbled out into the hall. I hit Jack's bedroom door harder than I meant too. Then I sat down and tried to take deep breaths.
"Wha-oh fuck. Baby girl!" He knelt in front of me. He grabbed my face with both hands.
"Deep breath. In and out." He took a deep breath and I copied him.
"B-b-b-" he cut me off.
"Focus on your breathing." Fifteen minutes later my breathing was regulated. "What happened?" He asked after a few minutes of silence.
"She dropped. And contractions started." I whispered.
"Oh god." Jack rubbed his hands over face.
"It's okay for now though. I had one about a half hour ago and I haven't had another one yet." I sighed, "I just panicked because she's coming. And I'm not ready. I-I-I c-can't-"
"Hey look at me." I did and could barely see him through my tears. "You aren't alone. I'm gonna be here every step of the way." I nodded and wiped my eyes. I groaned as another contraction hit. I grabbed Jack's hand and squeezed it hard. Then it passed. I rested my head against the wall and let go of Jack's hand.
"Can you help me up?" He stood and grabbed my hands. I put a hand on my back and waddled to the kitchen. Jack shuffled after me, yawning.
"You can go back to bed, y'know." I told him.
"Mmm. 'Kay." He turned and headed back down the hall. "Get me if you need me."
"I will." I had a cup of juice and a piece of toast and then sat on the couch and dozed for three hours.
   By noon my contractions were a half hour apart. I was attempting to pack my overnight bag and make sure I had everything I needed for baby girl. She would here in the next couple days. At the rate things we're going it could've been the day after. Around that time Jack found me sitting on my bed beside my half packed bag. He took over the packing for me.
"Should've already done this."
"I know." Another contraction hit and I started going through my breathing exercise.
"How close are they?"
"Twenty ish minutes." He nodded and zipped my fully packed bag. "I really wanna lay down, but I know if I do I'll never get up. Ugh! I'm too hot." With some difficulty I stood up. "Get out so I can change my shirt." Jack walked out and closed the door. I stripped off my shirt and dug through my dresser for a tank top. Before I put it on I stood in front of the mirror.
"Mommy is so excited to meet you baby girl. Just promise you won't be too hard on me." I pulled my tank top down over my head and as far over my belly as I could. "Love you, baby girl." I rubbed my bump and sighed. "But I am so fucking scared. I'm scared to actually give birth to you, but I'm also scared to be your mom. What if I screw up? I don't know what I'm doing. At all. Oh god. I'm sorry. But I promise I'm gonna do my best, okay? I'm gonna be the best mom I can even though I've got no fucking clue what I'm doing. I love you and I'm gonna make this work." Another contraction hit. "Fuck."
  By nine that night I felt like dying and my contractions were twelve minutes apart. 
"Why won't she come and be done with it?" I asked. Jack giggled.
"What's so funny?" I asked. He giggled harder and almost fell off the couch. "What?" I asked again.
"I'm-" he lost it again. I rolled my eyes and then another contraction hit. Jack laid half off the couch killing himself laughing while I groaned in pain and tried to breathe through it. When the pain subsided Jack had finally regained his composure.
"I'm sorry I was resisting the urge to make a really bad joke." Jack said rubbing his face. "Oh god. I'm tired."
"They're getting closer." I mumbled.
"How close?" I checked the time on my phone. Eight minutes.
"Eight." He sighed.
"We've got a long night ahead of us. I'm gonna make some coffee." Jack stood and stretched before walking out of the living room. The strongest contraction yet hit me. The doctor told that once I couldn't talk through them I should get ready to head to the hospital. There was absolutely no way I could talk when that contraction hit. When it finally passed I stood up and waddled into the kitchen.
Three hours later Jack was in full on panic mode. He was running all over the house looking for things and I was putting all my weight on the counter as another contraction tore through me. He was paranoid. It finally eased up. And then my water broke. From my extensive research on childbirth I knew that meant things would be progressing faster. But we wouldn't go to the hospital until the contractions were four to five minutes apart for at least an hour. At the time they were about still about eight minutes apart, but they hurt a lot more. I started pacing in the hopes that it would make the pain more bearable.
Another hour and a half and they were five minutes apart. I couldn't talk, couldn't breathe, could barely stay upright. Then it passed and I stood there breathing hard.
"Dad! We need to go!"
"Coming!" He came running down the hall with my overnight bag in his hand. I made my way out to the car.
   As soon as we walked in a nurse ran to get me a wheelchair while Jack talked to the lady behind the desk. The nurse cane back with a wheelchair and I was taken down the hall and into the elevator with Jack close behind. I was taken to a room where, with the help of a very kind female nursing student, I put on a hospital gown and laid down in the bed. Shortly after that my doctor, Dr. Blake, came in to see how I was doing. I'd had multiple appointments with him and trusted him a lot.
"How are we doing tonight Miss Barakat? Ready to have a baby?" A contraction started and I could barely breathe let alone talk. Dr. Blake nodded and checked to see how dilated I was, which, for those who don't know, is a very awkward thing no matter how well you know the person, but luckily for me I was in too much pain to care. "Eight centimeters. She'll be here sooner than you think." Then he started an epidural and said, "I have a couple other people to check on, but I'll be back real soon, okay?" I nodded and he left. Jack stepped closer to me and grabbed my hand.
"She's coming. Oh god."
"It's gonna be okay." I nodded and took a deep breath.
"Did I tell you I finally settled on a name?"
"Yeah?"
"Mmhm." But I didn't get to tell him because another contraction hit me. After what felt like an eternity Dr. Blake cane back and informed me that I was ten centimeters and she was coming. I was taken to the delivery room and prepped.
Quite honestly it's all kind of a blur. Apparently it was a pretty quick delivery though. I remember grunting and groaning and pain. Excruciating pain. I was crying. Jack was too. I screamed and then I could hear little cries as my baby girl made her entrance and took her first breath. I dropped back against the table and sobbed. One of the nurses laid the baby on my chest. She still needed to be cleaned up and the umbilical cord hadn't been cut. One of the nurses asked Jack if he wanted to cut it and offered him the scissors. He looked at me and then accepted them. Then they took my baby to clean her up and weigh and measure her and I was cleaned up. I hurt and I was tired, but I had done it. She was here. Once I was cleaned up they brought her back to me. She was wrapped in soft striped blankets with a little pink hat on her head.
"She's six pounds eight and a half ounces and nineteen inches long. Born at 1:48 am July 13, 2019." The nurse said as she handed her to me. "Do you have a name for her?" I held my baby against my chest and smiled.
"I do."
For the next six and a half hours I alternated between sleeping and holding my baby girl. Around six am I woke up to feed her again and when I glanced at the bassinet she wasn't there. I panicked and almost gave myself whiplash looking around. Jack was sitting in the rocking chair, cradling her and talking to her.
"Never thought I'd be a grandpa at thirty one, but I'm not complaining." He leaned down and kissed her head. "You know, your mommy is the strongest person I know. And I know she's scared that she's gonna fuck this all up, but I know that she's gonna be an amazing mother, because she's an amazing, kind, beautiful girl and she's braver than I'll ever be. And she loves you to pieces. I do too." I waited a few minutes before I finally spoke.
"She needs to eat." I whispered. Jack nodded.
"Just a minute." I ended up falling asleep before I could feed her.
At eight Jack left while the nurse gave me a quick check over and made sure everything looked okay. When the nurse left he came back in.
"Are up for visitors because there are five very anxious ones in the waiting room." He said.
"Five?" He smiled.
"Zack and Leo flew in yesterday. I called them as soon as your contractions started and they worked all day trying to get a flight. They got in around two am. Can I let them in or?"
"Yeah. Please." He stepped out and came back in followed by Alex, Lisa, Rian, Leo and Zack.
"Hi!" Lisa said as she walked in. Alex was right behind with a dozen pink balloons.
"Hi, Princess! Congratulations!"
"Hey."
"Hi."
"Hi. It's nice to see you guys." I gave them a tired smile. I picked up my baby girl and held her for a second. "Meet Elodie Jane Barakat. Six pounds, eight ounces and nineteen inches of total perfection."
"She's beautiful." Zack told me with a smile.
"She really is. Congrats." Rian added. I smiled down at her.
"Thank you. Someone wanna hold her?" Lisa held out her hands and I gave her Elodie. Jack yawned and leaned against Zack. Jack closed his eyes and rested his head on Zack's shoulder. Alex handed Elodie to Rian.
"How you doin'?"Lisa asked.
"I hurt and I'm exhausted, but I'm good. I'm amazing actually." Lisa rubbed my arm and smiled.
"That's good."
"So," Alex cleared his throat, "Lis and I have an announcement." He grabbed her hand and they shared a smile.
"We promise we aren't trying to steal your thunder we're just really excited." Lisa assured me.
"Lisa's pregnant!" Alex exclaimed then smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."
"That's amazing! Congrats guys!" I said. "Come give me hugs. It's easier for you to come to me." Then both came over and hugged me.
"Congrats guys." Rian said.
"Yeah. That's awesome." Zack added. Jack hummed, but didn't say anything. Then he opened his eyes, yawned and said,
"Congratulations."
"Um," Alex broke the silence, "Fun as this is we kinda wanna celebrate."
"Yeah. Congrats sweetie she's adorable." Lisa said.
"Thank you and thanks for coming."  Hand in hand and smiling wide they left. Leo stepped beside me and grabbed my hand.
"I should go to. Unfortunately I have other things to do, but congrats and she's beautiful." Rian handed her back to me and then left.
"I gotta go to the bathroom. Back in a second." Jack said and then walked into the bathroom. Zack stepped closer to my bed to look at Elodie.
"Wanna hold her?"
"Sure." I handed her to him. "
"You guys should go get lunch or something. All three of you." I looked at Leo.
"You sure?" He asked looking doubtful.
"Positive. I need sleep and baby girl needs to eat."
"Okay." We were quiet for a few minutes until Jack came back. "You wanna go get lunch?" Zack asked while handing me Elodie. Jack's gaze instantly turned to me.
"Is that okay?" I rolled my eyes.
"Yes. Go. Have fun. Just, y'know, don't abandon me." He smiled.
"I'd never do that."
"Oh good. You can come back in like two hours, okay?" Jack nodded.
He gave me a hug, kissed my temple, kissed baby girl on the head and then he and Zack left. Leo stayed a minute longer.
"I'm gonna be here for you. I promise." I smiled up at him and squeezed his hand.
"Thank you." He started to leave, but I held his hand tighter. "I love you, Leo."
"I love you too." He gave me a kiss, kissed Elodie's head, and then left.
  As I sat there holding my baby girl I started to cry. Tears of happiness. She was perfect. And I loved her with every fiber of my being. I started to hum Little Wonders.
"I will not forget the way I feel right now." I sang softly. "I love you so so much." I kissed her forehead and held her there. My lips pressed to her forehead as tears still fell. After a few minutes I collected myself and wiped the tears off my face. It was then that I remembered something Jack once told me. Something my baby girl needed to hear at that moment and for the rest of her life.
"Baby girl," I gently brushed her cheek with my thumb, "You come first." I kissed her forehead again, "No exceptions."