There was something so . . . exhilarating about driving with wnindows down and the music blaring.  I took pictures and I doodled and I posted on Instagram. Jack told me stories from tour and I told him stories from the group home. We drove from eight that morning till six that night. We didn't make it very far because we kept stopping and site seeing. Jack found a hotel for us to spend the night in and had me wait in the car while he checked us in.
"So," he said as he got back in the car,"Our room is on the back of the building on the second floor." We drove around the end of the building and parked. We got our bags from the trunk. The hotel was amazing. Fun fact that was also the first time I'd ever been in an elevator. At least that I could remember. Jack often tells me that the amount of awe on my face that day still makes him smile. When we got out of the elevator we had to walk for a few minutes before we reached our room. The hallway seemed to stretch on forever, but when every inch of it looks exactly the same it's not surprising. We finally found our room and Jack unlocked the door.
"Holy shit." I said as I walked in. When you first walked in there was a bathroom directly to the right, then you walk past that and there was a bed, a chair with a footstool, a desk with a tv sitting on it, and a 'kitchenette'. Jack followed me in.
"Shit. I thought I asked for two beds. I guess I'll sleep on the floor and let you have the bed."
"You don't have to-" He smiled and cut me off.
"I'll sleep on the floor and let you have the bed." I rolled my eyes, but smiled.
"Fine."
"Great. You hungry?" I nodded. He pushed his suitcase out of the way and walked over to the desk. He grabbed a sheet of paper and turned to hand it to me.
"Pick what you want. I have to use the bathroom." I took the paper from him and he walked past me. I kicked my shoes off and plopped down on the bed. I studied the list and I swear my jaw hit the floor when I saw the prices. They were astronomical. And I'm not even exaggerating.
"So did you pick yet?"
"No. Are you sure we can afford this?" I waved the menu at him. He chuckled.
"Yes I am. Now go ahead and pick." I studied the menu for a few more minutes before looking back at Jack.
"Is pizza okay?"
"Pizza is always okay. Why don't you go put your pajamas on while order?"
"Ok." I hopped of the bed and Jack took my place. He grabbed the phone off the nightstand and I laid my suitcase down and dug through it till I found my pajamas. I went into the bathroom, changed and washed my face before going back out. Jack was stretched out on the bed, flipping through channels on the tv. He changed too. He was wearing sweats and a plain grey t-shirt.
"Hey. Pizza should be here in twenty minutes. I'm trying to find something for us to watch, but there's not much on." I sat down beside Jack and he threw his arm over my shoulders.
"You really like Paris don't you?" He said after a few minutes. I glanced down at my pajama shirt and smiled.
"Yeah." My pajamas consisted of a cream colored t-shirt with the Eiffel Tower on it and a pair of black and white checkered pants.
"What's so special about Paris?"
"It's where my parents met. Mom was at school there and Dad was on vacation. Mom loved Paris. She wanted to move there one day." I traced the Tower on my shirt. Jack squeezed me closer to him. There was a knock on the door. He handed me the remote and went to answer it. I kept flipping through channels until Jack walked back followed by a hotel employee pushing a cart that had our pizza, two plates, two cups, utensils and a jug of water on it. Jack tipped the employee and sent him on his way.
"Pizza, m'lady?" I giggled and nodded. He put a piece of pizza on a plate and handed it to me then got one for himself and sat down beside me. I kept flipping through channels until it landed on a show Jack called 'American Dad'. It was animated, but one of those animated shows that was not for kids. To be perfectly honest I didn't understand most of the jokes, but it was still pretty entertaining. When that ended we found Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune so we watched those too. Those were more fun to me because we made up foolish answers and had stupid guesses. At eight thirty we turned the tv off and put the cart outside the door. Jack opened the closet and found extra blankets and another pillow, but there were four on the bed and I only needed one so he left that one in the closet and took the three I didn't need. He was in the process of making his bed when I asked,
"What were you and Alex arguing about that made you so upset?" My tongue was working faster than my brain. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want too." I rushed out.
"It's stupid really." Jack sighed and sat down on the end of the bed, "Alex and I have always been really close. Ever since high school. And when we were on our first tour things took a turn in a . . . stupid direction. One night we got really drunk and, well, . . ." I knew what he was getting at, "We did . . . things that we should not have done. We tried not to let it affect us, but it did and you could tell. Rian got pissed at us and told us to settle our differences before we ripped the band apart. So we talked. Alex told me he was confused about his sexuality and he thought he might have feelings for me. I panicked and told him I didn't have feelings for him and I was only interested in girls. He got upset and we had an argument. We did settle it. We apologized and swore we wouldn't let it affect our friendship. And really it didn't, but after that we were never as close. We're still close, closer now that he's married weirdly enough, but I ended up getting closer with Zack the longer we were on tour. Years passed and it wasn't brought up, until I told Zack I was interested in both guys and girls. The night I came out to him I had had a few too many drinks and I told Zack I was in love with Alex. Zack convinced me I should tell him before it was too late. I finally worked up the nerve and I was too late. The day I was going to tell him he proposed to Lisa. Then the week before the wedding I got drunk and went to their house at 3:00am. I told him I loved him and he got upset. He got so mad that I had waited eleven years to tell him. Watching him get married was one of the hardest things I've ever done. And he still won't let it go. I haven't said it to him since, but he knows it's still true and he wants me to just admit it, but like I told him it's hard to admit something to someone else that I can't even admit it to myself. Lisa knows now. God. I don't know how or why that happened, but she's chill about it so at least she doesn't hate me or anything." He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. He left them there and then he sniffed. Silence settled over us for a few minutes and then he cleared his throat and tried to subtly wipe the tears from his eyes.
"I already knew you had feelings for Alex." I whispered, avoiding eye contact. He got wide eyed.
"How?"
"I see the looks you give Alex and Lisa when you think no one's looking. I thought you were jealous, but then I was talking with Lisa and I realized why you looked so sad. I've never been in love, but I can imagine how hard it must be to watch the person you love love someone else." Jack's eyes were teary. I crawled down to the end of the bed and wrapped my arms around his waist. He wrapped his arms around me and buried his nose in my hair. We sat there like that for awhile and then he pulled away a bit and said,
"Can I ask a question now?"
"Sure." He took a deep breath.
"How did you lose your parents." I inhaled sharply. I let it out slowly.
"When I was seven my mom was diagnosed with stage I lung cancer. By the time I was nine it was gone. Or they thought it was. The July after my tenth birthday we found out the cancer was back and  it was worse. By the beginning of August she was hospital bound and before August ended we lost her. She went in the night and I didn't-" I choked back a sob, "I didn't get to say goodbye." Jack began gently rubbing my back. "After we lost Mom Dad got sad. They met when they were eighteen. She was the only woman he ever loved and losing her broke him. He started drinking. He-" I sniffed and wiped the tears off my cheeks, "He never got violent, just so sad. I can't tell you how many times I would find him sobbing on the couch. I would come home from school and find him surrounded by beer bottles and saying Mom's name over and over. Three months after Mom died I came home from school to police officers standing in the living room. They told me that Dad had passed away. When I asked why they wouldn't tell me. Allison told me a couple years later that he drank himself to death." I rubbed my eyes and sniffed. We sat there in silence with him rubbing my back and me still sniffling. "It's only been in the past two years that I've been willing to meet with prospective parents. My first year there I didn't talk to anyone, except Leo. And then on my eleventh birthday he convinced Allison to let him make me a cake. He made it all on his own and even wrote my name on it. He-" I giggle at the memory, "He misspelled my name and got really embarrassed when I told him. Oh god. He's so sweet. Anyway I started opening up after that. I met my first set of parents before my twelfth birthday and I spent pretty much all of my twelfth birthday crying because they chose a different kid. That was the first time Leo-" I cut myself off. I wasn't quite ready to divulge all my secrets. I cleared my throat. "Could I ask another question?" I glanced up at him.
"Sure. Go ahead."
"What made you want to adopt? And why did you choose me?" He sighed and ran his fingers through his hair.
"Ever since Alex got engaged I've been trying to get over him. One night stands didn't work and trying to have a relationship flopped majorly because when you're famous people only want you for your money or your fame. It was Lisa who suggested adoption. At first I just kind of blew it off, but then I was talking to my sister and she thought it was a good idea so I decided to try it and see what happened. And then I met you. You were really the only kid at Allison's who seemed willing to talk. When we went for ice cream the first time you were so happy and bubbly. You had such a thirst for life. And I realized you were exactly the kind of person I needed in my life. Lisa loved you. She said I would be crazy not to adopt you and she was right. Adopting you was one of the best decisions I ever made." Not long after that he turned the light off and laid down.
"Good night baby girl."
"Good night Jack." I wasn't quite ready to let my parents go and he seemed to understand that. And I was incredibly grateful. I laid awake until the early hours of the morning thinking about Leo and my parents and how much I missed them. I spent those sleepless nights trying to convince myself to let my parents go. To leave my past behind. Our past does not define us. We are defined by the people we love, the places we've been, the books we've read and the music we listen to. We are defined by all the things that build our personalities.