It is four o'clock in the morning and everything around me is silence and quiet. The house sleeps.
I fumble with some computer cables to fix it, I have nothing else to do and if I sleep I see my demons so no, I can't get up from my adored and sleep hugged her.
I'm afraid of making her worry or involuntarily activating the armor and risking to kill her, as it happened two days ago.
Lately I don't recognize myself, I'm very experienced by these continuous panic attacks and above all, I am tired.
Tired of having to risk my life every day, tired of being blamed every time I try to change, to make the person I love happy and calm.
Lately I've become much more detached with my woman, perhaps because I'm afraid of doing something wrong when panic attacks turn me into a desperate monster.
A velvety and delicate noise makes me look up and see her there, tall, red, beautiful.
My Pepper in a nightgown grimly stares at me with folded arms, already in my throat, burned with anger at not being able to do something right for a good time, the long lecture that picks me up whenever I'm wrong.
-Why?
She asks.
-What do you want!
I broke aggressively. No, no, no, it doesn't have to go that way, I do not have to lose my temper immediately. I don't like the situation.
The beautiful and blue eyes of my strawberry are tinged with reproach and offense, she enters my laboratory and living space, having the courage to throw a slap in the face that I deserve.
God if I deserve a hundred of these slaps if only she knew the vile thought that has flashed through my mind and already disappeared.
-Do not use this tone with me Tony!
I lower my head and begin to clench my fists as soon as the small and sweet mouth of my Pepper opens up to vomit those derogatory words on me, sliding like oil on canvas on my body until it enters the head.
When an idea stops in the mind you can no longer ignore it.
-Could it be even possible that you haven't yet understood anything of my speech? If you continue like this you will kill yourself and I do not want it to happen!
I do, on the contrary, because I know what is forming inside of me at your every word, every movement of yours. It does not have to go that way.
-I...
-NO! YOU NOTHING! YOU MUST SEND IT WITH THIS STORY OF MAKING THE HERO, BECAUSE HOW CAN YOU BE ONE IF YOU CANNOT SAVE YOURSELF ?!
Please go, run, run, run away because you have no idea what is going on inside me. My Pepper, don't stay so close to me, I do not want to go away, please.
-Go away, I beg you.
I whisper to the limit, the head bowed and the white knuckles while I clench my teeth so my nails are sunk into the skin.
I hear you snort. No, no, no, it does not have to go that way. You don't have to stay near me. Why don't you go? I warned you, but one more step and I swear I'm going crazy.
-Tony, you're not changing ...
I jumped up my head and that anger inside me explodes all together and I can no longer hold back, I do not know how I got to this... but the anger made me blind.
-I SAID STOP! SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GO AWAY!
And I see you, my strawberry, in those two seconds that separate me from my dark side, frightened, dumbfounded and ready to back away.
And I regret to see you still there, still trusting in front of me despite the words that pull me on like bullets. But I didn't want to do it, it wasn't my intention to go that far. I swear.
Only that my demons are cruel, anger is cruel.
I drop you on the ground and I almost can't  see your eyes terrified with rage. In a moment I'm above you, I block you with my weight, sitting on your little stomach.
I approach your face with the face deformed by the cruelty that oppresses me in a corner and makes me act like a killing machine, as if man had become the armor.
-I am trying to save myself and save everyone, but you always rally against me!
I see you, my sweet Pepper, start crying desperately, you're so scared of me that you don't  have the courage to break free. You're scared and I understand you, I am afraid of me as well.
-And this makes me crazy!
You try to move your face not to look at me, start moving your legs in the vain hope of being able to escape, but my hands are immediately around your neck and tighten.
I can't control myself, I swear I didn't want to get this, in the end you pulled out the worst of me.
I see your imploring eyes and your mouth tries to tell me something, but your voice comes muffled to my ears. I feel only my heart that accelerates the beats every second more proportionally to the force I use to try to break your neck. I really thought to make you close that sweet and impertinent mouth?
But I don't feel the bones of your fragile neck breaking under my phalanges, I only feel the anger that turns into tears and frees me of my demons, freeing you from my hands.
I still see you under me, Pepper, gasping in desperate search for air and crying, you cry touching your neck where I left you a single red mark that marks you unfairly as a victim of my delirium.
I get up from you before the anger returns, stagger to the desk and I slam it with my head in my hands.
I see you strawberry; you sit down and slowly take that breath that I removed you without really wanting it.
-Go away.
I try in vain to disappear forever, but all I feel is your uncertain hand enveloping mine. I look up and see you still trembling next to me, the look full of tears but still hopeful looks at the monster in which you have transformed me.
A bedlam of instincts thrust into my heart, but suddenly I feel the need to feel you as mine, to make me forgive.
-You don't deserve me strawberry, look what I did to you.
I hiccup between remorse, caressing your neck gently and you not frightened back, on the contrary, you still touch me and I wonder where your courage and your trust come from me.
I've hopelessly betrayed you Pepper, I dared to raise my hands against you to make you stop and think how many times I could hurt you, and instead I managed to control myself.
This could be one of those times, but rage, does not accept compromises.
-If you can't save yourself then I will do it, but promise me that from now on you'll always be with me. Heart and mind. No demons.
I can't deserve you, those beautiful words can not be addressed to a being like me, to a violent without forgiveness like me who believes in the god of everything and everyone.
I have no demons right now that can counter your intentions, you're too strong for me in that arena.
I can't help but kiss you again and again, feeling your skin like paper crushed under my hands, trembling without control even if you respond to my lips. You can't resist, you don't beg me to let you go, you know that I'm still able to hurt you and despite everything you're still here, close on me.
You are the most beautiful and unique person in the world of mine, I don't want to let you try what you felt today.
But there is still that indomitable part in my despair, that desire to make you feel satisfied that at the same time deprives me of making you feel better.
I kiss your neck aggressively and this time I want to turn my anger into love, into sex, into our intimate moments. I pass the tongue on that red line that contrasts with your skin as white as your soul.
I take off my clothes and I hear you moan of pleasure when you reach out to caress my chest.
Little strawberry, my beautiful spring flower, erase this mistake from my spirit.
We hug each other naked, you still trembling because I know that a small part of you is afraid of my hands, but I want to redeem Pepper.
I take you in my arms and I slowly stroke your breasts, I fill you with caresses and delicacy even though I can seem rude when I make love with you, but I want to make you feel good.
-Oh Pep, forgive me.
Your magnificent smile ends up on my lips and with vehemence starts to scratch my back when I press myself against you, attached to the wall behind your back.
I penetrate you without expecting, because my need to feel tight around you is desperate.
You scream. A scream dominated by pain and a small part from pleasure and I'm sorry, but right now I'm only able to hurt you and no more, but I swear I'll always keep you with me.
I push hard, I sink into your body with desire and I stop to kiss your breasts as you follow my pelvis with many moans of lust.
But I don't have the courage to look you in the eyes, I look at the gray side of your face and I ignore your hair of fire.
I know that when I do so you feel in awe, but I'm afraid my eyes are still filled with my demons and can make you change your mind.
Clench your teeth when I increase the pace to feel more pleasure, imprint your nails in my skin to keep you from not screaming.
And I'm sorry, my love, I'm so sorry.
I take you to the bedroom, resting on our large and soft mattress, guest of our nights of passion.
With two fingers I start rubbing against your clit, in a circular way, feeling you tighten even more around me while with a last scream we reach the limit.
I fall to your side, your head on my chest as you caress the burning scratches you left me, but nothing burns more than knowing what I did to you.
And when you fall asleep tormented by the memory of this night, I reach for the bedside table and open the drawer, pulling out that pill.
It will be heartbreaking for you I know, but I can't see your eyes half frightened when you'll look at me in the next few days.
It's wrong I know, but you can't save me, even though I haven't promised to stay with you because I know that someday something will come to divide us.
I want to leave the memories of my kisses on you.
So I reach your lips and kiss them softly, I almost can't get away from you that you sleep still naive of what awaits you when you'll wake up.
It won't be a nice day tomorrow Pepper, I'm sorry.
With trembling hands I put the pill in my mouth and without letting me think back, I swallow it, squeezing you in my arms until I close my eyes.
I don't have a single demon, no one as long as I stay away from you.