June 2015

I spent Monday night at Louis' house, and almost fell apart with excitement when he invited me backstage before the Cardiff show on Friday. Although I trusted my sister Maddie implicitly, I couldn't be certain that her friend Phoebe would be able to keep quiet about my relationship with Louis, and so I decided not to say anything to them but to surprise them with the backstage passes on the day and hope that their shock and excitement would prevent them from asking too many awkward questions about how I had obtained them.

I knew Louis would be busy after Monday with preparation for the tour, and wasn't expecting to see much of him. However, I was a little surprised that after his invitation for Friday, I then didn't hear from him for a couple of days. I texted him on Wednesday afternoon just asking how rehearsals were going but my text went unanswered, even though I could see it had been read almost immediately. Although I hadn't known Louis long, I knew this was out of character for him, and an unease began to settle in my gut as time went on.

By Thursday morning, after I had tried to ring him and he had ignored the call, I was feeling a bit hurt, not to mention in limbo, as I now couldn't make any travel arrangements for the concert because I wasn't sure what was happening.

"Maybe he's just been really busy," Sarah suggested as we got on the tube after work that evening. I had told her about being invited backstage, and had made her promise not to mention anything about me and Louis to Maddie or Phoebe.

"Busy is fine," I nodded. "Busy doesn't bother me at all. It's just unusual for him not to answer my calls or texts. And I don't want to keep pestering him. Maybe he's changed his mind about the concert or something, and doesn't know how to uninvite me."

"What are we going to do?" Sarah asked. "If we're not going backstage, we need to get there early so we can be at the front of the queue to get a good view."

"I guess we'll leave early, as originally planned," I sighed.

Maddie and Phoebe were due to arrive in London just after six that evening, and everyone was staying over at my flat ready to drive to Cardiff the following morning. We were all just tucking into our Dominos takeout, when my phone buzzed next to me, flashing with a call. Louis Tomlinson.

My heart lurched and I jumped up, licking tomato sauce off my fingers and grabbing my phone from the arm of the sofa. The others were too engrossed in watching a One Direction music video compilation to notice I had left the room, and I slipped into my bedroom and shut the door behind me before I answered.

"Hi," I said casually.

"Hey."

"How are you?" I asked.

"Yeah, not bad. Just got home and relaxing with a beer before the tour starts again tomorrow."

Was it my imagination or did he sound... off?

"OK, sounds fun," I said, lamely.

"Yeah..," he muttered.

"Are you OK?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah, fine," he replied dismissively, but in a tone that told me he wasn't fine at all.

"OK," I said nervously.

"You still coming up tomorrow?"

"Um, yeah, that's the plan," I replied. "I hadn't heard from you for a couple of days, so I wasn't sure what was happening. I guess we'll get there early and get a good place in the queue so we can be as close to the front as possible."

"Oh - you can have front row," he said. "I've sorted four tickets for you. Save you queueing. Get here for about five o'clock, then our meet and greets will be done. You can have something to eat with us backstage before the show starts."

He said all this like it was the most normal thing in the world to have dinner with One Direction and front row tickets to their concert. Then again, for him it was normal. He still didn't sound himself, though.

"Really?" I asked, breathlessly. "I don't want to impose..."

"Nah, you could never impose," he said softly.

"Well... if you're sure," I said, trying not to squeal. "That would be awesome."

"Looking forward to it," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "I've missed you."

I squeezed my eyes shut and silently screamed. Out loud, I said, "I might have missed you, too."

He chuckled softly. "I should think so."

"Jess?"

I jumped, a surprised squeak escaping my mouth, and looked up to see Maddie peeping round the door of my bedroom.

"What are you doing? Who are you talking to?" she asked, suspiciously.

"Just someone from work," I fibbed. "I'll be out in a sec."

"Pizza's getting cold," she said, and I nodded as she disappeared again.

"I have to go," I told Louis. "I'll text you tomorrow when we get to Cardiff."

"Have a good evening," he said. "See you tomorrow."

As I re-entered the lounge I saw Sarah looking at me questioningly, and gave her a discreet thumbs up as I sat down to finish my pizza. Although I was looking forward to seeing Louis, I couldn't shake the feeling that something wasn't quite right. But there was nothing I could do about it, and I couldn't even discuss it with Sarah as Maddie and Phoebe were with us. I hoped things would become clearer the following day when I saw him again, and then reminded myself that we wouldn't even be able to be normal around each other as we were supposed to be keeping things hidden. We hadn't even talked about how this would work, and I found myself becoming more and more nervous as we approached Cardiff the following day in the car (with the windows down and One Direction blaring from the stereo).

Maddie was highly suspicious of the whole situation, as I had refused to leave London at the crack of dawn to queue. "Don't you want to be near the front?!" she huffed repeatedly, and I kept deflecting her accusatory remarks with a casual wave of my hand and nonchalant reassurance. By the time we approached the arena Maddie and Phoebe were jumping up and down squealing excitedly, gripping each other's arms as we walked up to the barriers where hundreds of people were already in line despite the doors not opening for another couple of hours. I led them past the crowd and up to a steward at the front, much to Maddie's confusion, and gave him my name.

"Jess, what are you doing?" Maddie hissed, but I ignored her while he radioed to a colleague, and received a crackly response through his little walkie talkie. He checked my ID and smiled at us as he unhooked one side of the metal fence to let us through.

"What's going on?" Maddie asked, staring at me in disbelief as we followed the steward up to the arena doors and entered the deserted foyer.

"I just didn't fancy queueing," I shrugged. "I thought we could sit inside instead. I'm sure we could find a few guys to hang out with."

"What on earth are you on about?" Maddie demanded. "What the hell is happening? Jess!"

I wiped my palms nervously on my jeans as the steward led us through another door, down a long, cold corridor and swiped an access card to let us through to an area marked "Private". Before Maddie could pester me any further, Louis appeared at my side wearing a cheeky grin.

"You made it, then?"

"Oh... my... God..," Maddie muttered faintly from behind me.

"Maddie!" Louis beamed, while Phoebe looked ready to pass out. "Great to meet you. I'm Louis, and let me introduce you to Niall, Harry and Liam."

I felt myself take a sharp, involuntary breath as I caught sight of the other boys approaching us, and my stomach performed a guilty flip as I caught Harry's eye and he smiled at me. I may have been falling for Louis, but clearly I wasn't immune to the Styles charm. That fucking dimple had a lot to answer for.

While I blushed and stammered and made an idiot of myself in front of Liam and Niall, Maddie and Phoebe were too engrossed in taking pictures and asking for autographs to wonder how I had wangled this private meeting, and thankfully paid no attention to my interaction with Louis. I was glad of this, because my heart was pounding madly every time he looked at me and I seemed unable to tear my eyes from his. Yet still I felt there was a distance between us that hadn't been there previously, and I began to wonder if he was cooling off towards me, or whether something had happened to make him change his mind about us being at the concert tonight.

We had been there about an hour, picking at the buffet and drinking complimentary wine (the boys were on strictly water only), when I finally managed to get Louis on his own in a quiet corner.

"Are you excited for the show?" I asked him. "It seems ages since the last one."

"Yeah, I'm hyped for it," he replied, not meeting my gaze. "These two months off have flown, though. We've got a gruelling schedule ahead of us."

I hesitated, reading his tone and feeling torn between not wanting to appear clingy, but needing to know why he was being off with me. In the end, my curiosity won.

"Louis..," I began, lowering my voice to avoid being overheard, "is everything OK?"

I expected him to brush off my question, at least at first, but he gave a reluctant sigh and looked down at the floor. My heart sank.

"Things are.... complicated," he muttered.

"OK," I said slowly, when he failed to elaborate. "Complicated in what way?"

He lifted his head and glanced around the room. Sarah, Maddie and Phoebe were deep in conversation with Harry, Liam and Niall, so he inclined his head towards the door.

"I don't think we'll be missed for a few minutes. Let's go for a walk, and talk in private."

I followed him out of the room and down a corridor, and we began to walk around the inside perimeter of the stadium, Louis shuffling along with his hands in his pockets, his back hunched.

"You don't seem yourself," I remarked, after thirty seconds of awkward silence. "Has something happened?"

He sighed again, blowing his fringe up in the air. "Yeah, you could say that." He was quiet for another few seconds, and I waited, walking slowly along beside him but feeling the gulf stretching between us. "I didn't want to do this here," he began. "I wanted to talk to you properly, just the two of us. But I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone. I couldn't find the words to say."

"OK, now you're scaring me," I said, my stomach in knots. "What could possibly be this bad? I'm not going to flip out, no matter what it is. If you're trying to let me down gently, you needn't worry. I'm not going to go to the press."

He stopped dead and looked into my eyes earnestly. "I know. This isn't anything to do with you. It's all me. I found out something the other day, and it's... well, it's sort of life-changing."

He seemed to be searching for the right words, even now. My heart began to pound.

"Oh my God. Are you ill or something?" I asked, clutching at my throat as panic started to rise from the pit of my stomach.

"No, no!" he answered hastily, catching my expression. "It's nothing like that. I'm fine." He paused, and I felt my shoulders relax again. "You remember when I went over to LA, a couple of weeks after we met?" he reminded me, and I nodded. "Do you also remember I told you I'd sort of hooked up with someone while I was there, after I thought you'd given me the brush off?"

"Yes," I nodded again. "The blonde girl. I remember the pictures in the tabloids."

"Yeah," he nodded, his voice shaking. "Briana. Well, she got in touch with me a few days ago and dropped a pretty big bombshell." He took a deep breath. "Turns out, she's pregnant. And... she's saying I'm the dad."

A hot flush flooded my body, followed instantly by a cold shiver. I struggled to keep my face impassive as something else rose within me - not fear this time, but a sick, gut-wrenching unease. Out loud, I said, "Oh. Wow."

"Yeah." He gave a reluctant chuckle. "Sort of a conversation stopper, isn't it?"

"It's... unexpected," I heard myself say. I wasn't quite sure how I was forming coherent words. "How - how do you feel about that?"

"Shocked. Scared. Confused. Overwhelmed."

I looked down at the ground, to check it wasn't shaking. As it turned out, that was just me.

"Happy?" I ventured, as my mouth continued as normal.

"Honestly? No, not exactly. I'm still trying to process it. I feel like someone just picked me up, span me around a thousand times and then dumped me back down again. I don't know what the fuck is going on."

His eyes darted between mine, searching my face. I nodded, wordlessly. What was I supposed to say to this news? A thousand questions were tearing through my mind, but he still seemed to be figuring it all out himself. He looked like a rabbit in the headlights. I shoved my hands in the back pockets of my jeans in an attempt to stop them from trembling.

"I'm sorry I've been a bit quiet these last few days," he added. "I've been trying to deal with it all. I wanted to tell you, but I didn't know how. I don't even know how it affects me yet... but I know it will affect us. I wanted to have my head straight before I spoke to you, but I couldn't carry on ignoring you and I'm a long way from any sort of conclusion. I didn't know what to do for the best."

"Do the others know?" I asked.

"The boys? Yeah. My family knows, too. And management. And Briana's family, and a few of her friends. She's just signed an NDA - a non-disclosure agreement - but it won't be long before the story is out in the public domain. It won't stay a secret forever. I'm really fucking sorry to spring this on you like this," he added. "Here, of all places. But I'd already invited you to come backstage, and I couldn't pretend like everything was normal. I couldn't lie to you."

"It's fine," I said numbly, although it was far from fine.

My boyfriend had got a random girl pregnant. I didn't know what 'fine' was anymore.

"I'm sorry," he said again, looking away from me.

I shook my head. I felt as though I had been punched. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Louis must be going through.

"I don't really know what to say," I admitted. "I have a million things going through my head at the moment - as I'm sure you do, too."

"Yeah, pretty much," he laughed awkwardly. "It's sort of a game changer."

"Understatement," I joked, equally as awkwardly.

"I don't expect you to say or do anything," he said, looking at me with a gentle expression. "I just wanted you to know. I didn't want to keep you in the dark. Like I said, I appreciate the timing is bad, but I didn't know what else to do..."

"Oh, Louis - please don't be worrying about me," I said quickly. "It sounds like you have quite enough going on right now without any added stress. Your secret is safe, I promise you."

"I know that," he said, with a tinge of the old sass. "I don't want you to think I'm worrying about you selling your story. I'm worried about what this will do to us, because we've got a really fucking good thing going on, and it's only just beginning. And now...." He trailed off.

"And now...?" I echoed.

"Now I just don't know anything anymore. This has fucking blindsided me. I'm not trying to play the victim, or make you feel sorry for me. I know I need to face up to my responsibilities, and I will. I am. But that doesn't mean I'm not a fucking mess inside."

His voice shook slightly, and suddenly I saw through the cocksure exterior of Louis Tomlinson from One Direction, to the vulnerable young lad beneath, who was quite clearly out of his depth.

"I can't believe you're not going off at me," he confessed.

"I'm not going to give you any shit, if that's what you mean," I replied. "We've both got a past. You've already said your head's up your arse about it all, so I'm not going to make your life any harder. You need support, not nagging."

"You're fucking amazing, you know that?" he smiled, looking deeply into my eyes for the first time.

"It's been said before," I teased, shrugging casually.

"I thought you'd go mental."

I raised an eyebrow at him. "Seriously? Do I seem like the nagging type?"

"Well... no, I suppose not."

We smiled awkwardly at each other, and he took a hesitant step towards me, holding one arm out to pull me into his embrace.

"I'm so sorry," he sighed, into my hair. "I've fucked everything up."

"Don't apologise," I mumbled, into his chest. "What's done is done."

"Look, I don't know where this leaves us," he said, pulling back to look at me earnestly. "But can I see you on Sunday, to talk about this properly? I'm sure you'd probably appreciate a bit of time to mull it all over. I've got these two Cardiff shows to get through, but then I have a couple of days off before we fly to Vienna."

"Yeah, that's cool," I answered, feeling suddenly relieved that I wasn't expected to make any sort of decisions on the spot.

"We'd better get back to the others, before anyone starts getting suspicious," he said, glancing at the time. "They'll be opening the doors to let the fans in soon."

We made our way back around the perimeter to the backstage area, the surroundings seeming thick and fuzzy. It appeared that no one had even noticed we were missing, so we casually rejoined the group as though we had been there all along, and Harry looked up at me and caught my eye. He gave me a reassuring smile, as though he knew exactly which conversation had just taken place. While Maddie and Phoebe chatted excitedly about the setlist (apparently, despite the recent fan-promoted No Control Project supporting Louis' vocal ability after his recent Twitter spat with Naughty Boy over Zayn, the song was not due to be added to the set list until the Brussels show in a week's time) I wandered over to the food and helped myself to a glass of ice cold water. My hands trembled as I poured it, and as I set the pitcher back down on the table, I heard someone behind me. My stomach flipped over as my eyes met Harry's.

"Hey," he smiled, running his hand through his hair. "How are you?"

"Been better," I said truthfully, before I could stop myself.

"Ah," he said, with an understanding smile. "I saw you go off with Louis. He's been stressing about speaking to you."

"Understandable," I mumbled.

"Yeah," Harry sighed. "He's not in a good place at the moment." He paused for a moment, looking at me. "Are you OK?" he asked.

I shrugged. "I don't know how I feel to be honest, apart from a mess. Which must be only a tenth of what Louis is going through. Less, even."

"You're allowed to be upset," Harry said, wisely.

"Am I?" I asked, looking up at him as though he suddenly held the answer to all of this. "I feel guilty feeling upset! I'm not the one dealing with the shock of becoming a parent after a one night stand. All I can think is how this is going to affect us. I'm being completely selfish and making it all about me. What kind of person does that make me?"

If Harry was uncomfortable at my little outburst and show of emotion, he didn't let on. He simply smiled reassuringly. "It makes you human. How long have you known - about fifteen minutes? You're bound to be wondering what effect it will have on you. It's a huge revelation to deal with, under the circumstances. Don't beat yourself up."

He said all this slowly, in his deep, rich voice with his soft Manchester twang. It was enough to calm me, if only temporarily.

"Thanks," I sighed after a moment, feeling embarrassed at spilling my feelings to someone I barely knew (and over whom I had obsessed for several years). "Sorry for word-vomitting. You don't need to listen to my problems."

"No need to apologise," he said, his dimple deepening as his eyes sparkled. Damn, he was breathtaking up close. He was positively divine. I mentally shook myself. Now was not the time to be drooling inappropriately.

"Anyway, how are you?" I asked. "It's nice to see you again."

I mean, this was true, albeit the understatement of the year.

"I'm good," he smiled. "It's great to see you, too."

"Are you looking forward to touring Europe?"

I wasn't sure why I was asking such lame questions.

"Yeah, definitely. It's nice to be able to fly home between shows when we're so close. Although I'm making a quick dash to New York next week to catch up with some friends."

"Sounds nice," I smiled back, because that was all my mouth was able to say, given the situation and the fact that Harry Styles was having a conversation with me. I wasn't sure how my relationship with Louis would pan out in the future, but there was one thing I was sure of: even if we ended up married with kids, I would never be able to hold a conversation with Harry Styles without silently screaming the whole time. Once a fangirl, always a fangirl.

Louis appeared at my side and gave me a tentative smile. "The doors are open, so the fans are coming in now. Security will want to get you into the pit in a few minutes."

"No problem," I nodded. "I'll round up the others. Good talking to you again, Harry."

That actually sounded pretty breezy.

"You too. No flirting while we're on stage and putting Louis off," Harry teased, and I let out an inhuman noise that sounded somewhere between a laugh, a snort and a wheeze. Louis gave me a strange look.

So much for breezy.

"I'll text you," Louis murmured in my ear as we walked over to Maddie, Phoebe and Sarah, and I nodded discreetly and gave his hand a gentle squeeze behind my back. I had the strangest notion that someone was watching me, but when I looked back it was only Harry, whose expression had changed from mild amusement to something unreadable. His eyes met mine and he held my gaze for a moment, and I suddenly had a feeling of déjà vu - that I had somehow been here before, either in a dream or another life. Which of course was crazy, because I had never been to Cardiff before in my life, let alone the Millennium Stadium, and I had certainly never been backstage at a One Direction concert.

"Jess, you haven't got any pictures!" Maddie squealed, as security appeared at the door to escort us to the pit. I hastened over to the boys and Maddie snapped a quick picture and shoved her phone back in her bag before she turned around and realised that Louis hadn't been in the photo.

"Quick, come here," Louis said, grabbing me round the shoulders. "Harry - take one, will you?"

As security ushered the others out of the room Louis pulled me close against him and Harry snapped a couple of pictures, before Louis released me and brushed his fringe to the side. "I'll get Harry to send them to you," he said. "Thanks for coming tonight. Sorry for... you know."

"It's fine," I whispered, exiting the room backwards with a wave to them all. "See you Sunday," I mouthed, and he nodded and gave me a thumbs up.

We hurried back through the corridors of the Millennium Stadium, into the lobby and down to the pit to a separate side section at the very front with the best possible view. Maddie and Phoebe (and Sarah) were now openly freaking out, after keeping their cool for the best part of two hours, and eventually Maddie turned to me and demanded, "So come on. How did you arrange that?"

"Ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies," I replied distractedly, and refused to give any other answer, no matter how many times she tried to catch me off guard with sudden questions about the band.

It was surreal having a VIP pass to a one Direction concert and waiting for the show to start, after hanging out with the boys backstage, learning Louis was about to become a father, being in a relationship with him and all the while wanting to scream the place down like everyone else. It felt almost like I was living a very weird dream, and more than once I took a few seconds to remind myself that all of this was real, and happening in the here and now. When the lights went out and the opening sequence began, my inner fangirl took over and I joined the other seventy thousand fans jumping up and down and losing their shit, and screamed like a lunatic when the black screen tilted forwards and the boys made their entrance onto the stage to the opening notes of Clouds.

I watched them all with new eyes, having met them and spoken to them as real people instead of just viewing them as idols on a pedestal. Harry's stage persona was vastly different, yet at the same time strikingly similar to his backstage self, while Louis was just Louis - what you saw was what you got. The sass, the energy and the mischief were all real. He seemed a little nervous on the stage at first; whether that was due to having had two months off, or the stress he was under or even (dare I think it) because I was in the audience. His eyes kept wandering to mine, so many times it seemed blindingly obvious that something was going on between us, yet maybe it was just because I knew something that everyone else didn't. Both Liam and Niall waved at us from the stage, and when Harry came over to get a bottle of water he smirked at us, caught my eye and gave me a cheeky wink that turned my legs to jelly.

Despite the bombshell dropped on me earlier, I was glad of the distraction of the show and some sense of normality. Just to be able to forget everything and enjoy singing along to One Direction was a welcome relief. It wasn't lost on me that poor Louis probably didn't have this option, and was still dealing with all his problems whilst having to put on a brave face and entertain a stadium full of fans nearly every night for the next five months. It was just another reminder that although as fans we thought we knew the boys, we really had no clue what went on behind closed doors, and just how dedicated they were to making sure they never let us down.

When the show had finished, and we were all hoarse and hot from exhileration, we made our way out of the stadium, following the crowds spilling onto the streets, in the direction of our hotel.

"That," declared Maddie as we walked across the bridge, "was the best night of my entire life. You are officially the best sister in the whole world."

"Best sibling," I corrected. "Make sure you tell Calvin you said this."

I was distracted by my phone pinging in my bag, and I pulled it out to see I had two new image files from an unknown number. I opened the thread, and my heart almost came to a stop.

There were two pictures of me and Louis, one of us looking at the camera (a typical backstage fan picture) and the other of us looking at each other, just before we had broken apart. He was smiling at me and I was smiling at him, our eyes locked on each other intently. It was a brilliant picture. It was also accompanied by a text:

Louis asked me to send this to you, and to him as well. H .x

---***---

I took this photo of Louis that I used on the header of this chapter. I took it at the Millennium Stadium in Cardiff on 5th June 2015, and yes he is looking directly at me. I also saw Harry at Manchester Arena on Monday, and that was pretty incredible. I miss One Direction 😭