I shook my head wordlessly at him.

"There you go again," I said, in a resigned tone. "More mystery. What does that even mean?"

There were a couple of seconds of silence.

"Maybe I know you better than you know yourself," he said eventually, without looking at me.

"Oh, so you were referring to me?" I said derisively. "You're saying I didn't know I needed you but now you're here you think I will suddenly realise?"

His eyes darted away uncomfortably and he shuffled his feet, before clearing his throat and beginning to speak.

"The conversation we had on the phone that day made me realise the extent of what I had done," he said, even though I hadn't given him permission to continue with his story. "I heard the pain in your voice when the truth sank in. It ripped through me, and I've never forgotten it. Everything I said to you was the truth. I couldn't bring myself to admit to taking Speed because I didn't want you to be disgusted with me over that, as well as over me being unfaithful."

Although I didn't want to hear this, I wanted to hear this. Harry had insisted he loved me during that initial conversation, and the sadistic part of me wanted to know whether he ever really had, or whether our whole relationship had been a lie. I wasn't sure which would make me feel worse, but it looked like I was about to find out.

"I wasn't expecting you to say the things you said," he admitted, looking up into my eyes."What you said to me, about clicking my fingers and getting what I wanted - it struck a chord with me. It made me question everything. You really hit home with everything you said, and the way you described me... it was someone I didn't want to be. And when you reminded me of the effect all of it would have on you; when you said everyone would be laughing at you... that hadn't even occurred to me, and it made it hurt so much. It..." He stopped again, his voice trembling. He put his hand over his heart. "It hurt in here, Jess. I hated myself for doing this to you. I knew you wouldn't forgive me. I'd known that before I'd even picked up the phone to call you. I had no right even to ask, which is why I didn't. I wasn't about to insult you further by asking you for another chance. But I wanted you to know how sorry I was, and how I wished I could go back and change it. I didn't want you to think I didn't care. It was the worst mistake of my life."

But did you ever love me? my subconscious was screaming. I stared at him, in the hope he would somehow give me the answer without me having to ask, but he looked away and took a deep breath.

"I can't really remember much after our phonecall. I called Louis back and at some point I told my mum and Gemma what had happened. I remember you trying to call me repeatedly, but I'd just shut down. I couldn't face you again. I know that was shıtty of me, and I should have taken your calls, but my head was all over the place. I'm so sorry for that. Amidst all of this I flew to Brussels and faced another roasting from pretty much everyone I spoke to. And each time I relived it things seemed to become clearer and clearer."

"What do you mean?" I ask fearfully.

He paused for a moment, and then carried on.

"When Louis came into my suite at the hotel and said you were there I almost fell over. I couldn't believe you'd flown out to see me. But I couldn't let myself be happy about it because I knew what I had to do. I wanted to take you in my arms the minute I saw you standing in that room waiting for me, but I couldn't. I couldn't make it any harder than it already was, for either of us. You wanted closure, I needed to sort my life out. I knew we couldn't be together after what I'd done. You'd made me see that I'd turned into everything you were afraid of, and you were right - I had let fame change me, to an extent. Not in an obvious way, maybe, but in some ways. And you could see those traits in me because I'd let you get so close to me. I'd hurt you so badly, and I hated myself for it. I couldn't risk hurting you any further. And I'd proved what I was capable of, when presented with temptation." His voice cracked yet again, and I felt a swell of emotion. I swallowed hard and kept my face impassive as I watched his lip trembling. "I didn't even think, Jess. It wasn't like I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway - it was exactly the opposite. I was fųcked out of my mind and it didn't even enter my head to say no. That's what made me come to the conclusion that I eventually came to."

"What conclusion?" I asked, but I knew, before he'd even said it, what he meant.

"I couldn't believe I had even been tempted by someone else," he said, his voice breaking again. "Those aren't the actions of someone deeply in love. They are the actions of someone selfish and cruel, and uncaring. How could I possibly claim to be in love with you after that? You don't hurt the people you love."

"So what, you just realised there and then that you weren't in love with me and that you never had been?" I said miserably.

"It made me question everything," he replied. "I had an eight hour flight from New York to Brussels to think things over, and to try to understand why I did it, and still I had no answers. The only thing I kept coming back to was what you'd said to me on the phone: 'You didn't love me enough to say no to her.' That resonated with me, Jess. I began to think you were right. It was the only part of it that made any sense to me. And in the back of my mind I still had the worries of the band, and Louis' impending fatherhood. I had so much going on, I didn't know my ąrse from my elbow. I didn't see how I could love you after I lied and cheated and treated you badly. I thought I wouldn't have done that if I'd truly loved you. It was the only thing that made any sense to me, at the time."

My whole body was trembling as I recalled that heart-wrenching conversation. The pain felt as real just then as it had back in June. I felt the same nervous, sick worry in the pit of my stomach. I looked away from Harry and stared at the wall as he spoke again.

"I couldn't believe my ears when you offered me a second chance," he said, softly. "It was everything I wanted: another shot at making things work with us. But what if I did the same thing again, the next time I had a drink and we were apart? I couldn't take the risk of putting us both through this again, and although I couldn't imagine ever being with another girl as long as I lived, I couldn't make the promise that it wouldn't happen, not after I'd done it once already. Like I said, it made me question everything. I had to walk away from you before I ruined you any further. I just wanted you to be happy, and I knew I couldn't guarantee that I would be able to make that happen."

My cheeks were wet with tears now, and I gazed miserably at Harry, whose eyes were red and bloodshot. He gave me a weak smile and looked down at his lap.

"It was the hardest thing I've ever had to do - walking away from you. I didn't want to, but I had to, for both our sakes. I had to sort myself out and stop myself from fully becoming that person you said I already was. So I let you go, and I fully intended to break all contact with you. We played the show that night in Brussels and I went through the motions, and then spent the time in between trying to come to terms with everything. I was a mess. I couldn't get you out of my head, but I had no intention of contacting you again - I didn't want to prolong it. But... Karen had other ideas."

I gave a short laugh through my tears. "She really hated me, didn't she?"

"No, she didn't," he said, flipping his hair back with his hand. "She was wary of you at first, but she was pleasantly surprised, I think, by the way you kept out of the public eye. She put you through your paces when she first met you because she wanted to make sure you weren't a gold digger, or a fame-seeker. But once she realised you weren't either of those things I think she warmed to you. She orchestrated that meeting at the Modest office that day - it was nothing to do with me. She asked me to come over because she needed my signature on some stuff, and she wanted to check I was OK. I literally found out you were coming about ten seconds before you walked in the door. I knew she wanted you to be seen with me again, because of the press stories about me, but I'd told her to leave you alone. It never crossed my mind she'd try and get us in the same room together, and then you appeared in the doorway... I couldn't bring myself to look at you because I missed you so much, Jess. My heart was breaking without you. And it was pounding the whole time you were there. It ached for you. The way you were slaying Karen... it was brilliant, and it was so typically you. I was still searching for answers myself about that night in New York, and when I realised you were still so upset about it, I felt even worse. When you went to pick up my phone I panicked - I still had that photo of you on there that I'd taken down by the river that weekend at my mum's, and I didn't want you to see it. I didn't want you to know I was still hankering after you, because I was trying to have a clean break."

I stared at him in disbelief. If this explanation about the photo on his phone were true, did this mean he was still 'hankering after me,' as it was still there? Or was this just an excuse to cover up a deeper secret that he was still hiding? He'd insisted he was finally telling me the truth, but if he still had feelings for me why had he behaved the way he had for so long?

Before I could ask any of these questions, he carried on.

"The things you said to me about..." He hesitated. "About needing to see a doctor to get yourself checked out..."

I felt my cheeks flush with embarrassment. "I'm sorry I said that," I apologised. "I was just lashing out."

"It's OK," he nodded. "But you have to know that I never slept with anyone else while we were together. Well, apart from... you know," he said, uncomfortably, and I felt a wave of hatred and misery at the thought of Sara. "But I wasn't sleeping around behind your back. It never even entered my head to do that. You were all I wanted."

I wasn't sure what to make of this. I wasn't sure if I believed him. He seemed so sincere, but then he'd always seemed like this while we'd been together, and look how that had turned out.

He hesitated for a moment, before a brief smirk appeared on his face. "You ruined Karen's skirt, by the way."

I looked up to meet his gaze, and his smirk turned into a grin. I couldn't help grinning back.

"It was only water," I argued.

"Yeah, and the skirt was dry-clean only. The water mark never came out, apparently. You ruined a five hundred pound suit."

I laughed out loud at this. "I can't pretend I'm sorry. That bitch put me through hell."

He looked away, still grinning. "She's not so bad, really. Once you get used to her."

There was a pause while our grins subsided, and then he cleared his throat again.

"I didn't come after you when you stormed out because I knew you wouldn't sell me out, even though you threatened it. You had every reason to do it, but I knew you well enough to know you would never stoop so low. I'm not saying I wouldn't have deserved it; I just mean I know revenge isn't your style. You're not spiteful. And when I was proved right that just compounded my guilt and self-loathing. I muddled through the next few shows, trying my best not to let the fans down, and I think I did an alright job. But then..." His was suddenly serious. "Then I found out something that changed everything. It explained what happened, and why I had done what I did. It all finally fell into place."

My heart was in my mouth. "What was it?" I asked, and it came out as a nervous squeak. I couldn't even feel embarrassed; I was literally on the edge of my seat.

He fiddled with his own fingers nervously, and cleared his throat a couple of times, before licking his lips nervously and then pressing them together.

"Jeff rang me," he said, and I heard a tremor in his voice. "He asked me what I remembered about the night in New York. I said some parts were hazy, and some were clear. He asked me if I remembered taking Speed, how much I'd had, and who had physically given it to me. I told him I'd only had one line, and it had been one of our group who'd had it. He got all impatient and asked me who it had been, so I said it was his friend Jason. He went all quiet, and then started apologising. When I asked what was wrong, he said the stuff I'd taken wasn't pure."

Harry looked up at me and then darted his eyes away, running his hand through his hair nervously.

"What do you mean, wasn't pure?" I croaked.

"Speed tends not to be as pure as Cocaine, as a rule," he said, looking faintly embarrassed. "It's often mixed with other chemicals, which is why it's not usually what I'd choose to take, but the effects last longer than Coke, which is why we were on it that night. Jeff had some, and so did a couple of his friends, and that batch was OK. But Jason, the guy who gave me mine... the stuff he gave me wasn't pure. It was mixed with something else, and the combination is known to those who take it as the Love Drug, or - " He hesitated for a moment, looking embarrassed again. "Or 'Love Potion.'"

"Love Potion?" I scoffed, with a disbelieving smirk. "Are you actually taking the piss? You're not Harry Potter."

"No, I am not taking the piss," he replied in a monotone, with a hint of annoyance. "It's basically Speed mixed with a drug called Bremelanotide - which is rumoured to increase libido. It's a street drug that's apparently popular with couples or something... I dunno, I'd never heard of it until Jeff told me; it was news to him as well. There are mixed reviews about this Bremelanotide; some people say it's a load of shįt but other people swear by it. But the people who swear by it say it greatly increases your sex drive, and reckon it's a powerful aphrodisiac. But it comes in a white powder form, and when mixed with Speed it just looks the same."

His words were slowly starting to sink in. I felt sick.

"So this is what was mixed with the Speed you took that night?" I asked, and he nodded.

"Amongst other stuff, yeah. Like I said, Speed usually isn't very pure. Not like Coke."

"And when you say it's an aphrodisiac...," I began in a whisper.

"It makes you want to have sex," he said bluntly. "Remember I told you how I felt when Sara hugged me, when she pressed herself up against me? It turned me on. I was just standing outside in the street saying goodbye to her, and her hug turned me on. The feeling sort of stayed with me a bit, but it didn't really register much because I wasn't out looking for anything like that, I was just on a night out with my mates. I was aware of it again when she came back to my hotel room, but I didn't understand what it was - I didn't know it was fake, brought on by the chemicals in my system. I mean, I'm not denying she's an attractive girl, but I shouldn't have felt that way over just her presence."

He swallowed hard.

"My body was reacting to her, and I was drunk and buzzing. I shouldn't have acted upon the desire, and for that I take full responsibility. But I honestly, genuinely, truly believe I wouldn't have been unfaithful to you if I hadn't taken that drug concoction. Or if I had still taken it, but hadn't been drunk, I would have been sober enough to rationalise my feelings, and I doubt I would have acted upon them. But the combination of all of it was my downfall. I know how far-fetched and ridiculous this sounds, believe me. Why do you think it's taken me this long to tell you? But I'm not trying to make excuses, Jess," he pleaded, and I saw tears filling his eyes again. "I'm telling you the full truth."

I stared at him, numb from this confession, unable to process the full meaning of it all. He stared back at me, a single tear trickling down his cheek. I reached out and brushed it away and he closed his eyes at my touch.

"I don't take drugs very often," he said softly, his eyes still closed. "If I was a regular user I probably would have realised that the stuff I took wasn't pure Speed, although I never would have guessed it was that... that Love Potion." He pulled a face at the name, and opened his eyes. "If I had known what it was, and what the effects would be, I never would have touched it in a million years."

His gaze didn't falter. I felt as though I could see right through to his soul. His eyes were sad, so sad, and I felt a deep longing for what we had once had, and what we had now lost.

But there was one part of that night that still hadn't quite been explained, and although I had now worked it out for myself, I needed Harry to confirm it, to say it out loud, to give me the final piece of the jigsaw.

"You said Jeff told you the Speed wasn't pure," I whispered. "But it wasn't Jeff who gave it to you."

"No," he said, softly.

"Who gave it to you?" I asked.

"A friend of Jeff's, called Jason," he replied, quietly.

"And who did he get it from?" I asked, my voice barely audible.

I knew the answer before it fell from his lips, but I had to hear it from him. I had to be sure.

"Nadine," he whispered.

----****----

Thank you thank you thank you for 186 votes on the last chapter and almost 200 on Chapter 24... this helps the book get ranked after every update, which gets it noticed, so for that I am soooo grateful! I don't know when the next update will be, but it will probably be January as I have so much going on over Christmas. Follow me for update news (I don't post very often, usually only to let you know when the next chapter will be up!)

Thanks to everyone reading, voting and commenting - Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to anyone celebrating xxx