77. No Control

Last chapter!! Oh my God, it's been emotional. Here we go...

(Please read the very short note at the end - it is important, I promise)

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I don't know how long I sat there after Harry left me. I had no concept of time. My mind was reeling from what had just happened.

The one small silver lining was that I wasn't consumed by the thought of Harry having sex with Sara Sampaio, although I was sure that would return later. I was simply too shocked at being unceremoniously dumped to even think about anything else.

I heard footsteps coming along the corridor, and I looked up as Louis walked into the room. His face looked surprised and his eyes were wide.

"Fucking hell - are you alright?" he asked.

I shook my head wordlessly.

"Harry said he broke up with you..?" This was a question.

"Yeah, he did," I answered vaguely.

"What the fuck?"

"I don't... I don't know," I said. I shook my head. "He doesn't love me."

"Yes he does."

"He doesn't," I said faintly. "He told me he doesn't - he just thought he did."

Louis shook his head and raised his eyes to the ceiling. "He does, love. Trust me. His head's just all over the place at the moment."

"Don't," I protested weakly. "I can't cope with any more mystery. My head's about to explode from all this."

"I'll talk to him," he promised, but I shook my head.

"No," I said. "I can't carry on like this. This has to be a clean break, for both our sakes. I can't leave now and be secretly hoping something will change his mind. I shouldn't even be feeling like this - he cheated on me. I should be kicking him in the balls and walking away from him, not the other way round."

"I don't think anyone could have predicted any of this," Louis said. "I mean, we thought it odd that he was going all that way just for a night out, but when we heard what had happened none of us could believe it."

"Try being me," I muttered.

"He was distraught, you know," Louis said, sitting down on one of the chairs and resting his foot on his knee. "He was literally sobbing down the phone. I've never known him to be that upset before over anything. Not even when Nadine dumped him."

"Nadine dumped Harry?" I asked.

"Yeah." Louis looked at me. "Don't you two talk?" His face twisted into a smirk and he looked away. I didn't need to be a genius to know his dirty mind had gone into overdrive.

"Well yeah, but that's never come up."

I wasn't sure what to make of this latest revelation. Had I already known this? In my mental haze everything seemed blurry. It didn't really matter anyway.

"He was gutted," Louis continued. "He thought he loved her, but I don't think she felt the same."

"Seems to be a repeating pattern for Harry," I remarked. "I don't know how you can think you're in love with someone and then decide you got it wrong."

"Harry's deep," Louis said. "He overthinks things. But he was never as crazy about Nadine as he is about you."

"He's not anything about me," I sighed, getting to my feet and picking up my bag. "I need to get that into my head."

"What are you doing now?" Louis asked.

"Getting a cab back to the airport and catching the next flight home."

"You can stay tonight if you want. We can get you a room here."

"Thanks, but I need to get as far away from Harry as I can," I said. "I appreciate the offer, though."

"I understand," Louis nodded. "I'll get a car to take you to the airport." He stood up.

"You don't have to do that."

"Don't be silly. It's not a problem."

He pulled out his phone and made a quick call, and then we walked down the corridor towards the lobby. There were a couple of security guards hovering near the stairs, and Louis hung back out of view of the front entrance.

"I'll have to stay out of sight," he said.

"I know. Thanks, Louis," I said, feeling tears well up in my eyes.

He pulled me into a hug. "Does this mean I'm your favourite now?" he asked.

I laughed. "Yeah, I guess so."

"You know I'm going straight upstairs to throw that in Harry's face."

I shrugged. "I doubt he'll care."

"Keep in touch," he said.

"With you?"

He nodded.

"Sure," I said.

"You've got my number. Don't be a stranger."

"Ditto," I smiled, and a tall man with black hair and brown eyes approached us.

"The car's outside," he said.

"Thanks," I replied. "I'd better go," I said to Louis.

"Take care love," he said.

"You too," I smiled.

I turned and walked into the lobby, following the security guard, and he led me outside to a waiting car. I got in the back and clipped my seatbelt on. The car pulled away from the kerb and I glanced back at the hotel, but of course I couldn't see anything. I settled back in my seat and closed my eyes as the car made its way slowly across the city in the direction of the airport.

~~~~~~~~~~

It was almost midnight when Callie dropped me off home after collecting me from Heathrow. I put my key in the front door of my flat and let us both in, and went straight through to the kitchen to make a cup of tea. Although I was physically and mentally exhausted, I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep if I went straight to bed.

Callie sat down at the kitchen table while the kettle boiled and I went into my bedroom and changed into my pyjamas. I caught sight of one of my One Direction tshirts in the washing basket. I hesitated and pulled it out, scrunching it into a ball and tucking it under my arm. I went to my drawer and pulled out my other tshirts, one by one, along with Harry's Green Bay Packers hoodie. I went into the lounge and took my One Direction CDs from the shelf by the TV. I carried all of this into the kitchen, stopping by the fridge to remove my concert tickets and wristbands.

"What are you doing?" Callie asked.

"Decluttering. Removing all traces of him from my life. Moving on," I said.

I grabbed a bin sack from the drawer, shoved it all inside and dumped the it by the front door to be taken to the outside bins in the morning.

I took two mugs out of the cupboard and poured hot water over the tea bags, and while they brewed I stared out of the window into the dark car park, deep in thought. I could see the space that Harry's Range Rover had once occupied, and I knew it was going to be a while before everything around me stopped reminding me of Harry.

I still couldn't understand what had happened to make him go from drunk dialling me telling me he loved me, to deciding he had got it all wrong.

My only conclusion was that once he had made me fall in love with him, the chase was no longer there, and subsequently the fun was taken out of it for him. Hadn't Lou Teasdale basically told me Harry was interested in me because I didn't fall at his feet like everyone else? So obviously once I had fallen at his feet, he'd lost interest. The thrill of the chase was no longer there, so he had grown bored of me. It was a typical you-only-want-what-you-can't-have situation. I even remembered worrying at the time that he would go cold on me once I admitted my feelings for him, and sure enough he had. Admittedly it had taken him a few days, but that was the only explanation I could come up with.

I suddenly realised he'd never told me what had happened between him and Louis that had caused that bad atmosphere - the same thing Louis had been prohibited from telling me on the phone the previous day. I wondered what it had been, but pushed it to the back of my mind. It was no longer my concern, and technically never really had been. I was done with this band, and the shade that seemed to surround its members more and more lately. I had begun to think there was so much more that went on behind the scenes that even I was aware of, even taking into account my brief insider knowledge. I wasn't even sure how much of the real Harry Styles I had got to know, especially as he had told me his two worlds could never be allowed to cross again. If he didn't know who he was, how on earth could I be expected to know?

My subconscious tried to pull my thoughts back to the weekends we'd spent in Holmes Chapel where I'd witnessed Harry in his own environment, around people he'd known all his life, but I quickly shut down that thought process too. I knew if I let myself dwell upon it I would drive myself insane searching for answers I would never find.

I'd spent so long staring into space the tea was now almost the colour of tar, so I quickly removed the teabags, added loads of milk and set the mugs down on the kitchen table.

"I'm so sorry Jess," Callie said, breaking the silence.

"Don't be," I sighed. "It's not your fault. I was head over heels for him before I'd even met him. I said right from the beginning this would end in my tears, and I was right - it did."

"You don't... you don't think there's more to it, do you?" Callie suggested tentatively.

"What do you mean?"

"Well... you said yourself that Karen woman didn't seem to like you. What if she set this whole thing up, making it look like Harry had been unfaithful and somehow forced Harry to go along with it? Maybe it looks better for the band's image if he is single?"

I shook my head. "I can see why you'd think that, but no. This wasn't a set up."

"But how do you know?" she persisted.

"For loads of reasons," I said.

"Like...?"

"Like, if Karen wants to protect Harry's image so badly, the last thing she'd do is make the world think he hooked up with some model for one night. It sends out completely the wrong message. Especially as the world pretty much knows we were a couple at the time. This will have done far more damage to his reputation than having me as a girlfriend would."

"True," she said.

"And you didn't see the way he acted when he was telling me the full story. I asked him details about what happened that night - stuff he wouldn't have expected me to ask... and he answered me truthfully. I could tell by his face he wasn't lying. He did sleep with her, and I do believe he regretted it immediately after. I also believe he didn't plan it, and that she threw herself at him. But ultimately he should have said no, and he didn't."

"But why though?!" Callie demanded frustratedly. "It just doesn't make any sense!"

"He was drunk and he made a mistake," I shrugged. "It happens. He's 21 and gets it offered on a plate all the time. I'm sort of surprised he managed to keep it in his pants this long, to be honest. That is, if he wasn't shagging around the whole time behind my back."

"Do you think he was?"

I sighed. "I really want to say no, but the truth is, I just don't know. I'll never know. I'd say it's a strong possibility. But part of me also believes he is honest and genuine, and the one thing he has always done is admit to his mistakes. He has never lied to me before. Well at least, not that I could ever prove anyway. And he went to a lot of lengths to get me to trust him. Why bother, if I was just a notch on his bedpost? My gut feeling is that this was a one-off, but I'll never know for sure and I'll never be able to believe anything he says ever again."

"He took you to meet his family, though," Callie mused.

"Don't," I said, cutting her off. "I can't bear to think about that right now."

"Sorry," she said softly, and I blinked back my tears and swallowed the lump in my throat. "Do you want me to stay tonight?" she asked.

"I sort of want to be on my own," I said. "But thanks."

She smiled. "You know where I am if you need me, yeah?" She stood up and drained her cup.

"Yeah - thanks for picking me up... not just from the airport, but from the floor that has become my life," I joked.

She grinned. "Anytime, babe. Let me know when you're up for dating again. I have a whole book of guys waiting for you. Starting with James's friend Adam, who keeps asking about you by the way."

I rolled my eyes. "I've never even met him!"

"He might have seen a picture of you," Callie grinned.

"Where?!" I demanded.

"On my phone?"

"Callie!" I scolded.

"What?" she grinned. "Even if you didn't want a backup plan, I knew you needed one." She picked up her keys. "Call me if you need me, OK?" She blew me a kiss and began to walk towards the door.

"Take that bin bag out on your way, would you?!" I called.

There was a pause. "Are you sure, Jess?"

"Positive," I said. "But I know I'm not strong enough to do it myself, so you need to do it for me."

There was another pause. "OK," Callie replied uncertainly. "But I think you should leave it until the morning, at least."

"No," I said firmly. "It needs to go now, or I'll never let it go."

I heard the rustle of the bag as Callie picked it up, and I got up to open the door for her, and to make sure she took the wretched bag with her. I knew I would have spent all night standing staring the bin, trying to work up the courage to throw it away, if it were left up to me.

She gave me a hug and I watched her walk down the stairs before turning and shutting the door behind her. I stood still, enjoying the silence and the solitude. As much as I was grateful for her support, I was glad to be alone in my own surroundings after the day I'd had.

I turned the lights out in my flat and got into bed, still wide awake. My phone pinged with a notification and I picked it up to see I had two new Facebook friend requests - Gemma Styles and Louis Tomlinson.

I accepted Louis, and pondered Gemma for a couple of minutes. I didn't want to be rude, but I wasn't sure it was a good idea becoming friends with her on Facebook. What was the point? I would only be tempted to stalk Harry through her, and that was definitely a bad idea. That said, I didn't want her to think I was being petty. This whole fiasco had nothing to do with her, and she had made every effort to make me feel welcomed into the fold when I'd met her. I sighed and clicked accept.

The next part wasn't so easy.

I stared sadly at Harry's profile and resisted the urge to look through his pictures or read his Facebook wall. I hovered my finger over the blue Friends tick for a minute, before hitting it, and clicking 'Unfriend.' I took a deep breath, opened Twitter and went to his profile.

Unfollow.

Instagram - Unfollow.

Contacts - Harry Styles - Delete. Are you sure? Yes.

I wiped tears from my cheeks as I went into my Camera Roll and quickly skimmed over it. There was nothing I particularly needed to keep. I wiped the lot, so I wouldn't have to go through every picture and remind myself of how gorgeous he was, how happy he had made me and how much I still loved him.

I was going cold turkey. This was the only way I would be able to move on.

I put my phone down and lay on my back staring into the darkness.

It was ironic really, how all this had played out. When it started off, I had been the one who had been crazy, giddy, and constantly letting my mouth run away with me at every opportunity. I had tried so hard to be cool around the whirlwind that was Harry Styles, and had done my best to embrace the insanity that was his way of life, in an attempt to get close to him. I couldn't pretend it hadn't been fun, but there had certainly been just as many downs as there had been ups, and I had walked away with more than just my fingers burnt.

All along I had felt like I'd been clinging to normality with my fingertips, trying desperately to have some sort of self-restraint, so as not to appear a crazed lunatic in front of Harry for fear of ruining our relationship.

It was ironic that it had indeed been a lack of restraint that had brought everything crashing down spectacularly. But it hadn't been mine.

It had been Harry, ultimately, who had had No Control.

THE END

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OK don't hate me... and please don't delete this book from your library just yet...

There is a short part to follow in about a hour that will be titled 'Author's Note' and will have some exciting news so please bear with me and please take 2 minutes to read it... I promise you won't be disappointed ;) xxx

(Update - Author's Note now up, followed by the Playlist!)

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