Songs for this chapter:

Pieces - Sum 41
Already Gone - Kelly Clarkson

I've never done this before but these two songs jointly inspired this turn of events, and specifically the end of this chapter, so I thought I'd share them :)

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He took a moment before he looked up at me, and as our eyes met I saw a flicker of something pass over his face - hope, maybe? But then it was gone, replaced only by sadness.

This was it. This was the moment everything would be explained. This was the last time I would ever see Harry Styles. I knew in an instant that after this day I would never be able to have anything to do with One Direction ever again. This was the end for me.

"You came," he said softly.

"I need closure," I said, in the same tone.

"I know," he sighed.

He shoved his hands in his pockets, hunching his shoulders and looking at the floor so his hair fell forward over his face. He came a little further into the room and nudged the door shut with his foot.

"You don't have to keep your distance," I said, thinking out loud. "I don't bite. Or hit. Even when I want to."

"Do you want to?" he asked, looking up into my eyes. 

"Hit you?" I asked. "Yes and no. Honestly, I want to hurt you as much as you've hurt me. But I don't think any physical injury I could inflict upon you would even come close to the way you've made me feel."

Harry looked away, and I saw him swallow hard, but when he spoke his voice was steady. "I'm sorry," he said.

"You're sorry," I repeated flatly. "I don't want to hear 'sorry,' I want to know why. I want to know exactly what happened. From the minute you got on the plane to New York, to the minute you woke up beside.... beside her." My voice wobbled and I looked away too, refusing to let my emotions take over.

"Why does it matter?" he asked, staring towards the window.

"Why does it matter?!" I echoed in disbelief. "Because I was in love with you, and I thought you were in love with me too!"

"I thought I was," he said.

I couldn't even begin to deal with that sentence.

"So what changed? What happened to make you throw it all away for one drunken shag, when only hours earlier you'd been declaring your love for me?"

"I don't see how reliving it all is going to help, Jess." He still wouldn't look at me.

"Let me decide that!" I screamed, and he flinched and finally looked over at me. His eyes were slightly pink, but his expression was unreadable. "God damn it, Harry, why are you being like this?" 

"I don't want to hurt you - "

"It's a bit late for that."

He looked away again, down at his feet. "I'm s-"

"And don't you dare say you're sorry again," I said savagely. "I don't want to hear it. I want the truth. Every detail. I don't care if you think it's going to hurt me. I need to hear it. If only so I can hate you even more than I already do."

Harry stayed looking at the ground for a few seconds before looking up with a resigned look on his face. "Fine. If it's what you want. Where do you want me to start?"

"Why did you go to New York?"

"For a night out with Jeff."

"So it had absolutely nothing to do with Nadine?"

"Not at first, no. But she had texted me a couple of times and it came up in conversation. She said she would be there at the same time, and she wanted to see me."

"Why did she want to see you?"

"She said she missed me."

I couldn't pretend this conversation wasn't getting worse by the second.

"OK. So why didn't you tell me?" I asked.

"I don't know. Sort of an awkward one to bring up, I guess." He looked away.

"OK. So then what? You flew to New York?"

"Yeah. And I met up with her. She was all upset and crying, and said she wanted to give things another go. She said she missed me, and she was in love with me."

"And what did you say?" I asked, trying to sound confident and unaffected, but failing miserably.

"I told her I was with you. And she got even more upset. She kept saying we were good together and she should never have let me go."

"And what did you say?"

"I told her I was in love with you."

My stomach flipped over, and I hated myself for it.

"OK, so then what happened?"

"We went round in circles for a bit. I didn't want to hurt her -"

"No, you never do," I sniped.

"- but I thought I got through to her, and we ended up chatting for a few minutes about my plans with Jeff for that night. And then we said our goodbyes and left."

"Did you have sex with her?" I blurted.

"What? No!" he said, looking confused.

"Don't look so shocked, it's a fair question," I snapped, and a look of hurt crossed his face before he looked at the wall. "So what next?"

"I went back to the hotel, got ready, and went out with Jeff and some other friends. We went to a few bars, we did shots and drank spirits. I was stressed over everything. I needed to unwind. I got drunk quite quickly, and then Nadine walked in with a group of friends."

"With Sara?" I interjected.

Harry hesitated, and hung his head. "Yeah, she was with them."

Hearing him talk about her and knowing at that moment he was picturing her made me feel sick.

"Go on," I said, my voice trembling.

"Nadine came over with Sara. I think there might have been another girl there too, but I can't really remember. I wasn't paying much attention and I was quite drunk by this point. Nadine was being really flirty and kept touching my hand. I felt uncomfortable, so I went to the bathroom and when I came back they'd disappeared. I think that's when I rang you. Then a short while later they all walked past me and out the door. Nadine looked upset, but I didn't know why.

"We had another shot, and I wanted to call it a night then, but Jeff wanted to hit one more bar. When we got outside, Sara was there with one of her friends. She came over to me and we talked briefly, and I gave her a hug goodbye. Then I went to another bar - I don't remember how  I got there, all I remember is the loud music and people dancing. Jeff had a couple more shots but I had some water - I could hardly walk. Dale - one of my security - said he needed to get me back to the hotel, so the car arrived, I got in, and Dale took me up to my room. He made me drink a pint of water, and then my phone rang. I thought it would be you, but... it was... you know. Sara."

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes, but I needed to hear this. I needed to hear it from Harry's mouth before I could accept it.

"OK," I nodded, gritting my teeth to hold in my grief.

"She asked me if she could see me. She said Nadine was really upset. I tried to put her off - I just wanted to go to sleep - but she persisted, so I agreed she could come to the hotel. Dale went down to meet her and brought her up to my suite. I made us a some tea but she didn't want it. She started saying how Nadine was upset after our conversation earlier, and she was worried about her. We talked for a few minutes about that, and then the conversation went off topic a bit, and I was yawning. She asked if she was boring me, and I felt bad, so I said no, I was just really tired. She stood up and said she'd let me get to bed, and I stood up too, to walk her to the door, and..." he stopped suddenly.

"And what?" I choked out. 

He swallowed again and took a deep breath. "She kissed me."

I gave a squeak as his words hit me. "And then what?"

"And I... I kissed her back."

I sat down on one of the chairs and put my head in my hands. I couldn't bear hearing this, but at the same time I had to hear it. I needed to hear it.

"Jess," he pleaded.

"Carry on," I said shortly.

"Jess -"

"Just fucking finish the story, Harry," I barked.

"Fine. We kissed, she pushed me onto the bed and we had sex."

I balled my hands into fists, taking handfuls of my own hair. "How? Her on top, or you?"

"Oh come on, Jess, that's not going to help."

"Who was on top?!" I shouted.

I looked up at him, and he ran his hand over his face, his eyes wild. "Her, at first. Then me. Oh God," he said as I finally crumbled and let out a sob.

He was at my side in an instant, his arms around me, but I stood up and pushed him away roughly.

"Don't touch me," I sobbed. "Your hands... they touched her... it makes me feel sick. How could you, Harry?"

"I'm so sorry," he whispered.

"Did you come?"

Harry looked away and blinked rapidly. 

"Did you?" I repeated.

"Yes."

"Oh God," I whispered, covering my face with my hands again. Of course he would have done, but somehow hearing him admit it, hearing him admit to having that level of intimacy with someone else, made it all the more real.

"Why did you do it?" I asked through my tears. "Why didn't you say no?"

"I honestly, honestly don't know," he said. "I just didn't think. If I had, I wouldn't have done it. My mind was blank, I swear. I don't remember thinking anything. I just went through the motions. It didn't last long, it wasn't romantic, there was no feeling there. It was just sex. I don't know if you want to hear that or not but it's the truth."

"Did you..." I had to break off for a moment to stop the bile from rising in my throat. "Did you use a condom?"

"Yes."

"So you've just proved yourself to be a fucking liar!" I screamed. "Because if you weren't thinking anything you wouldn't have thought to use a condom, would you?"

"I... I... I don't remember. I remember putting one on, but I don't remember the thought process behind it. Honestly, bab - Jess - it's just a blur."

"Have you had sex with her before?"

"No."

"But she had your number?"

"We've met a few times before, at different events. Nothing romantic has ever happened though. We were just friends. Not even that. Acquaintances."

"How many times did you do it?"

"Once. I swear to you it was just once."

"And afterwards?" I asked, wiping my face with my sleeve.

"I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is waking up next to her. It all came flooding back - what had happened. I ran to the bathroom and threw up, because I was so disgusted with what I'd done."

I sat down again and put my head back in my hands. We were both silent for a couple of minutes, while tears dripped from the end of my nose. I watched them land on the carpet, and vaguely thought there would always be a part of me left behind at this hotel, even if it were just my tears. 

I felt Harry sit down next to me and I looked up to see him sitting in a similar position to me, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

"I still don't understand it," I said. "Were you just horny, or... or what?"

"I don't even know," he said miserably. "I wish I could give you an answer, but I don't understand it myself. There was no thinking behind it. There was no reason. It wasn't premeditated. It just happened, and I wish to God it hadn't."

"You regret it?"

"Of course I do," he said softly, turning to look at me, and even in my depths of despair I felt the usual spark when our eyes met. I quickly looked away. "I wish more than anything I could turn the clock back, but I can't. I knew, the minute I woke up and saw her... I knew it was over with us. I knew." 

"Why did you tell me you loved me, if you didn't?" I asked. I looked into his eyes again.

"I thought I did - I didn't lie to you. I just said what I felt at the time... this is so fucked up..." He stood up and began to pace the room.

"What do you mean? What's fucked up?" I asked, trying to ignore the stabbing pain I felt in my heart at his admission he had never truly felt for me what I felt for him.

"This. Me. Everything. It's fucking wrong, Jess. This whole thing. We could never have worked, me and you. We're so different. Not as people, but the lifestyles we lead. I'm never in one place for long enough. You're too good to be left hanging around for someone like me. I ruined everything we had because I got drunk, and I fucking hate myself for it... you don't understand..." He was pulling at his hair and his voice was wavering.

"Explain it to me, then."

"Everyone thinks I'm this... this perfect, desirable guy, but I'm not. I mess up, like everyone else. People don't treat me normally. No one does, except my family. And you. But even you have Harry Styles moments sometimes. I was just this normal guy, and now... now I don't know what I am; who I am. I'm just... I'm fucking lost. Lost without you, lost without this band... I don't fucking know."

I stood up and he walked away from me towards the window, his hands running through his hair.

"What do you mean?" I asked. He wasn't making sense.

"I just feel like everything is crashing down around me," he said without turning round, his voice shaking. "I've messed up so badly. I've hurt you, and I just can't forgive myself..." His voice broke and I couldn't stop myself from crossing the room and putting my arms around his waist. 

He turned to face me and wrapped his arms tightly around me, and I could feel him trembling as I cried into his chest.

"I'm so sorry," he choked out, as he pressed his cheek against the top of my head. "I've ruined everything. You didn't deserve any of this... I don't deserve you..."

"Harry," I sobbed, but I couldn't even begin to try to articulate the jumble of emotions inside me at that moment.

He held me tighter, my tears soaking into his tshirt. His chest heaved, and I tried to pull away to look at him, but he held me against him as if he never wanted to let me go. 

"I wish things could have been different," he said finally. "I wish I could have been different. I let you down so badly. I broke your trust." He pulled back and I lifted my head to look at him.

His eyes were sad; so sad. They had lost their sparkle.

"Why did you do it?" I whispered.

"Because I'm weak. And I'm a horrible person. I'm everything you said I was on the phone yesterday. I need to sort myself out."

I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted him to kiss away this terrible pain that was clawing at every inch of my body. I hated myself for loving him and hating him at the same time.  

He put his hands on my upper arms and gently pushed me away. 

"I was angry yesterday. I didn't mean some of that stuff I said. I was lashing out," I told him.

"You were right, about all of it. I have been affected by this fame. I'm not the same person I used to be. I'm a liar, a cheat and a mess. I should have walked away from you at the start; I should never have dated a fan. It was wrong, all of it. I dragged you into this fake, pretentious world and I shouldn't have. You were right not to trust me for so long; I proved you right in the end."

"So you never loved me?" I asked him, staring up into his beautiful green eyes that were, to my surprise, dry.

"I cheated on you," he said, and he looked like he was having some sort of private battle with himself. "Who does that when they're in love with someone?"

We stood in silence for a minute. I wiped the tears from my face, and briefly wondered what I must look like.

"Please believe that I never set out to hurt you," he begged. "And I'm sorry it ended this way."

How had it suddenly turned into Harry calling the shots? I had come here for answers, and to shout and scream at him and tell him I would never take him back in a million years. But so far it seemed to have been Harry making the decisions. 

The way he was talking about it being over filled me with fear, but I couldn't explain why. I could never trust him again after what he had done. So why was I considering telling him we could try and work through it? 

I sat down on one of the chairs again and rubbed my temples. I needed to think this through. I needed to make sense of this whole situation. I was in too deep with Harry to let this all slip through my fingers. My common sense was telling me I shouldn't be making huge decisions like this when the hurt was still so raw, but I couldn't deny I was still in love with Harry, despite what he had done.

"I don't know what to say," I mumbled.

"There's nothing left to say," he sighed. "This was always going to fall apart. I was just too naive to see it. This is why celebrities don't date people from the real world. No one can understand this way of life except people in the same situation. Everyone tried to warn me, but I wouldn't listen."

"I don't know how you can say that," I argued. "What didn't I understand? I accepted everything you told me. I loved you for you."

"Yeah, and look at what I managed to do in return. I threw it all away because I got drunk. I made you hate me and I made me hate myself."

I didn't reply. He was right, I did hate him. But I also loved him. How was that even possible?

"Is that why I wasn't enough for you?" I asked. "Because I'm not famous?"

"It's not that you're not enough for me," he said, shaking his head. "You're too good for me. I proved that when I was unfaithful. I know in my heart you would never do anything like that to me. So what does that say about us? That you're out of my league, not the other way around."

"There are no leagues," I said.

"Of course there are," he said wryly. "In this superficial world. A world that you should never have been part of. I'm sorry."

I couldn't understand how he was being so calm about all this, when my heart was pounding so hard it was making me feel nauseous.

"I want to be part of it," I heard myself say, before I could think. "I want to be part of your life. I want to try and sort things out."

"What?" Harry stared at me in disbelief. To be honest, I'm pretty sure my subconscious was doing the same.

"I don't know, Harry," I said, my voice wobbling. "I hate you, but I love you. I don't know how that works but it's all I can say right now."

"Jess - "

"Come back home tonight, after the show. We can talk, try and work this out."

"Jess, I -"

"Look, I'm not saying it'll be easy, or even promising that it will work, but I want to give it a shot."

"Jess... I'm sorry but... I don't."

I felt like I'd slammed into a brick wall.

"What?" I whispered

"I'm so sorry."

My whole body began to shake.

"I... I don't understand, Harry." I couldn't have heard him right. He couldn't have heard me right.

I stared at him blankly and he gazed back at me with a mixture of sadness and regret.

"It is over, Jess. I'm so sorry."

I couldn't speak. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. I was just... numb.

"This was never going to work out," he continued. "I should never have tried to be someone I'm not. I tried to be a normal person again, when I was with you, but that's not who I am anymore. I'm Harry Styles from One Direction, and that life can never really cross into my old life. Not properly, not fully. I have to concentrate on moving forward, not back."

I just stared at him, unable to form a thought, let alone a sentence. 

"You didn't do anything wrong, Jess," he said softly. "This is all me. You deserve so much better than the way I've treated you. I'll never forgive myself for what I've done." 

He reached out and tucked my hair behind my ear affectionately, and I closed my eyes briefly at his touch.

"One of us always ends up hurting the other, and it's usually me hurting you," he said. "I can't do it anymore. I've proved I'm not capable of being the person you need me to be, so I'm calling time on this. Better now than further down the line."

His face was serious; his voice was steady. He looked into my eyes for a moment, blinked and pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Then he turned and began to walk towards the door.

I couldn't believe this was happening. It was ending, and ultimately it was going to be Harry's decision to end it.

"Harry," I called desperately, finally finding my voice. "I love you." 

He had reached the door but he stopped and looked back at me. His face was etched with misery and his eyes were red. "Please," I begged, "don't go."

He smiled sadly at me one final time before he walked out of my life.

"I'm already gone."