21

Luke was already sleeping so I've decided to spend some time on our balcony. The air in Santorini was chiller than usual, hudyat na malapit nang mag yebe. I looked at the clear sky with each stars sparkling beautifully, as if they are perfection personified.

Huminga ako ng malalim habang nakatitig sa mga bituin. If I could just be like them, if I could just be a shining beauty then maybe I won't hurt anymore. Sa tingin ko kasi, pagkatapos ng lahat ng nangyari sa akin ay wala na talaga akong karapatang lumigaya. Sa bawat subok ko para sumaya, palagi na lang akong sinasampal ng katotohanan na hindi pwede.

Hindi pwede kasi maling tao ang minahal ko. Hindi pwede kasi may nauna. Hindi pwede kasi iba ang pinili. Palagi nalang ang paulit ulit na rason para masaktan.

And I guess I have always measured my worth by how people see me. If they perceive me as perfect, then I see myself as perfect. If I am beautiful for them, then I am beautiful. I always looked at myself using the eyes of others, never my own.

Kaya minsan, mas madali na lang na sumuko at wag lumaban para kahit papaano ay may matira pa sa pagkatao mo. Dahil kung paulit ulit ka pa ring nasasaktan para sa parehas na dahilan, tama lang na mapagod ka. Tama lang na tumigil dahil baka sa huli, maging ang sarili mo ay maiwala mo na.

People would call this cowardice but I just couldn't care. I've spent my life using the opinions of others to be the pattern of myself and I am tired now. Whatever they say, whatever shits they are going to throw, I won't care. Isasara ko na ang puso ko sa mundo dahil tapos na akong magbigay ng pagmamahal dito.

The heavy pang of pain became more prominent as I stare at the stars whilst remembering Trey's devastated face at the mall awhile ago. He looks so hurt and yet I can't even fathom why. Hindi ba't dapat maligaya siya, dahil nasa tabi na niya si Tarrah? Why would he get hurt? Why would I hurt for him too?

I held my chest as the throbbing pain grew. Terrence Fortalejo, hindi ko pa rin talaga kayang makita kang masaktan. But this love is wrong. Loving a person who can't love you back is a murder for your soul. I should stop. Someday, I will be able to stop.

A soft whimper from Luke's room interrupted my thoughts. Pumasok ako sa kwarto niya para makita siyang yakap yakap ang mga teddy bear niya habang subo ang hinlalaki. I fixed her comforter before turning off her nightlamp.

I'm sorry Luke. I thought Mama is strong already but she's not. Luke, nasasaktan pa rin si Mama kaya patawad. I hope someday you would understand, I kept you away from your father so that you won't go through the same pain I am going through right now. Pero kahit na ganito, kahit tayong dalawa lang anak, mahal na mahal pa rin kita.

I went out of the room when Luke's breathing steadied. Bumalik ako sa balkonahe para magpahangin ulit noong mapansin ko ang pagdilim ng langit. I squinted my eyes to see the first fall of snow in Greece. My palms opened to welcome the first snowfall that landed on it.

I breathe in the winter air when I've decided to take a walk. I took my red knit scarf and gray winter coat before wearing my boots. Nagpaalam lang ako kay Mama na abala sa panunuod ng teledrama bago ako lumabas. Habang nasa may pinto ay sinusuot ko na ang aking gloves bago ako naglakad sa pinakamalapit na parke dito.

People started going out when they noticed the snow falling. I bought one hot choco before sitting on a park bench in the far right corner. Sa harap ko ay may dalawang teenager na magkahawak kamay na naglalakad. They sat on the bench infront of me. A bittersweet smile erupted from my lips as the girl laid her head on the boy's shoulder.

I hope this couple would remain this happy. Sana ay malagpasan nila ano mang ibato sa kanilang paghihirap. I hope they would not be like me in the end, a princess without her knight in shining armor.

I sipped from my hot choco when somebody sat beside me. Muntik ko pang maibuga ang iniinom ko noong makita ko si Terrence na umupo sa tabi ko. He gave me a sideway glance before tucking his hands underneath his coat. Pulang pula ang ilong niya sa lamig, maging ang pisngi niya. He was also staring at the couple infront of us in silence.

"W-what are you doing here?" takang tanong ko. I bit my lip to stop myself from stuttering. Damn it! Malamig kasi kaya nauutal ako!

Nilingon niya ako bago mas niyakap ang sarili. I stared at him only to see that he was not wearing any scarf or gloves. Nakacoat lamang siya at hindi pa iyon ganon kakapal.

"Napadaan lang," aniya. Umikot ang mata ko bago inabot sa kanya ang mainit ko pang inumin. He looked at it and I motioned for him to just get it. A ghost of a smile came from his lips before taking the hot choco and sipping from it.

Matagal na walang nagsasalita sa aming dalawa, siya tahimik na umiinom habang ako ay pinapanood iyong couple na nagkekwentuhan sa aming harapan. I heard him crumpling the paper cup of the hot choco before throwing it on a nearby trashcan. Doon ay tumikhim na ako.

"Thank you Yturralde," he said, dropping my surname as if it was acid. Nagkibit balikat lamang ako bago ko siya nilingon. Every breath of him turns into vapor, a clear proof that he was really cold.

Tumuwid ako sa pagkakaupo bago ko inalis ang tingin sa kanya.

"I heard you quit boxing," panimula ko. I gave him a sideway glance and saw him snickering. Bakit? Anong nakakatuwa sa sinabi ko, huh?

"I didn't quit boxing Illea. I lost my license," he gently said. He faced me and I was dumbstruck as the familiar brown orbs of his eyes greeted me. Libo libong kalabog sa dibdib ko ang nangyari noong magtagpo ang mga mata namin. His eyes were filled with uncertainty while mine, I am very sure, was filled with fear.

"Were you...devastated? When you lost your license? Mahal na mahal mo ang pagboboxing Trey," I said. Malungkot siyang ngumiti bago umiling.

"I was devastated when you left Yturralde. Wala akong pakialam sa lisensya ko, napagod na rin naman akong lumaban," he answered. My heart throb and I immediately averted my eyes.

Why were you devastated? Trey, dapat naging masaya ka! Tangina, kahit na sinaktan mo ako ng sobra sobra, ni isang segundo hindi ko hiniling na magdusa ka kaya bakit? Why would you suffer when you didn't even love me at all?

"I got tired of fighting Illea, especially when the person I was fighting for didn't fight for me. That...was my most painful defeat," Trey said, his voice breaking at the edge of his words. Nag iwas ako ng tingin sa kanya para itago iyong luhang malapit ng bumagsak mula sa mata ko.

Napapitlag ako noong dumampi ang malamig niyang palad sa aking kamay. I stared at our hands, trying my very best to escape his eyes.

"Losing you was my greatest fear. And it crushed me when I've realized that we do not share that same fear. Na para sayo, madali lang akong bitawan dahil hindi naman ako ang mahal mo, hindi ba Illea?"

My tears drop from his words but I just can't simply answer him. Iling lamang ako ng iling dahil hindi ko matanggap ang mga sinasabi niya.

"Liar.."

"It's true," Aniya. Lumapit siya sa akin bago ako kinabig papunta sa kanya. His chilling hands cupped my cheeks as I try to avoid his gaze. Iyong kamay ko ay pinipilit ng itulak ang dibdib niya habang umiiling.

You think it's easy

You think I don't want to run to you

But there are mountains

And there are doors that we can't walk through'

"Sinungaling ka!" naiiyak ko ng sabi habang pinapalo ang kanyang dibdib. Hinapit niya ako palapit sa kanyang dibdib bago niyakap ng mahigpit. As if on cue, my tears burst as I felt his warmth while he hugs me.

"Sinungaling ka..Trey," hagulgol ko. I felt his lips on top of my head as he caresses my back.

"I'm so in love with you Illea Yturralde, that's the truth," he gently said. Bahagya niya akong inilayo sa kanya bago pinunasan ang luhaan kong mukha. Malungkot lamang siyang ngumiti habang nakatitig sa mga mata ko. Defeat and surrender was written all over his eyes as he smiled sorrowfully.

"But you're in love with somebody else. That's a fight I will never win,"

He inched closer to me, our lips were barely touching. Hindi ko na maintindihan ang bawat kalampag sa dibdib ko. I felt like thousand knives were stabbing my chest because of my pain, because I am seeing him in pain and because I am not sure if what he says is true.

'No one can rewrite the stars

How can you say you'll be mine?

Everything keeps us apart

And I'm not the one you were meant to find

It's not up to you

It's not up to me

When everyone tells us what we can be

How can we rewrite the stars?'

"Maybe I will just love you from a far," napapaos niyang sabi. Tumingala siya ng bahagya bago biglang natawa na lamang. He caressed my cheeks and all I can do was just stare at his sad, beautiful eyes.

"Terrence please.."

"Please, don't ask me to stop. Illea I can't."

Pinuno ko ng hangin ang aking dibdib para lamang maibsan ang sakit. I never knew pain as murderous as this existed. Ilang beses na akong nasaktan noon pero ni minsan hindi naging ganito kasakit.

I just want to throw myself at him, tell him I love him too but I can't. I just can't. I've built my walls around me. I promised myself I won't gamble my heart on the line again and I cannot be hurt once more. Hindi ko na kayang masira dahil alam ko na magiging huli na iyon. Natatakot na akong sumugal dahil hindi ko na kayang matalo.

"I can't stop Yturralde. Dahil alam ko, paulit ulit mo man akong mawasak, sayo at sayo pa rin ang uwi ko Illea." Aniya. I just shook my head at him, trying my very best to stop myself from breaking my walls.

Tumayo na siya ngunit di pa rin niya ako binibitiwan. Pinatakan niya ng mabilis na halik ang labi ko bago inayos ang aking scarf.

"I will keep on loving you Illea, remember that," anas niya bago ako binitiwan. Naglakad na siya palayo habang ako ay di na makagalaw sa kinauupuan ko.

'You know I want you

It's not a secret I try to hide

But I can't have you

We're bound to break and my hands are tied'

Pinanood ko ang papalayo niyang bulto. Part of me wants to run after him and ask him to stay. But a bigger part of me, that scared part of me...tells me that it is better this way. We could never go against fate. Maybe I just have to accept the fact that Trey will never be mine.