(WARNING⚠️⚠️⚠️: FOUL LANGUAGE, AND MAYBE TRIGGERING STUFF UP AHEAD!!)

--Jungkook P.O.V--

After Jeonghan and Minghao left at around 9, Joshua went to watch a movie and I studied for a math exam I would have that monday. Nothing much happened.

But when I went to bed, that nasty feeling recurfaced as it did every night. Fuck my life.

Nothing went right that night. I had spilled my glas glass of water over my bed sheets, broken the lamp on my side table and hit my toe about a hunderd times on the said table, tripped twice over a random book on the floor and almost burned my hand when I wasn't paying attention when washing my hands.

I couldn't get to sleep until 6 am, when my body decided to finally shut down after Joshua forced me to take 3 sleeping pills. He woke up when I was walking downstairs to get a glass of water. He knows about my lack of sleep, but doesn't know how little I actually sleep.

My wonderful sleep didn't last long, Joshua came barging in at 8 am to go swimming. I had tiredly nodded and changed before walking to the pool, where Joshua was waiting. This time I didn't wear my shirt, Joshua knew about the scars.

"Your record is 27, 7 seconds, 4,3 slower than the world record on 50m free. First, let's strech a bit and then swim 18 lanes as warming up. Then we'll see what to do next" Joshua commanded. 'He should be a real coach or something'

I did as told and after about 5 minutes of streching and 10 minutes of warming up. I climbed on the side and rested a bit.

"Lets do the butterfly! You still need to improve that, you need to stretch your arms more. If you bow them, you'll have more resistance and will use more energy to get thm through the water." He explained. I nodded, signaling I was listening.

"8 times 100 meter, you get 3 minutes per 100 meter, the faster you finish the more time you get to rest" he demanded. I stood in starting position and waited for him to blow the start whistle. When he did, I did a powerfipul dive that already had me half across the pool before I resurfaced and started to swim.

---half hour later---

I had completed the task and we swam a few more times 50m free, but I didn't improve my PR(personal record). After that we cooled down and stratched again before changing into track clothes. Running was next on the program. We ran to the next destination, which was about 9 miles(14,4 km) away. The gym. There we would work out a bit more.

All of this might seem extreem but I need to stay as strong as I can and push my limits further and further.

I actually saw Jimin there. He was also into sports, maybe not as much as I was, but he also had a lot of muscles.

"Let's do the heavyweights" Joshua said. He had cycled besides me when running, he wasn't into sporting as much as into coaching me. He loved to see me struggle. That sadist.

"Let's start easy, 40 kg. 20 times" he said as he put the weights on the dumbbell bar. I laid down and slowly and carefully lifted the mild heavy bar 20 times above me. I rested for a minute before continuing with a heavier one 60kg. My record was 130 kg, but today just wasn't my day since I was still weak from the sleeping pills, so I stopped at 90kg. My clothes were soaked in sweat so I took a very quick shower in the locker rooms and put on a spare set of clothes, which Joshua always took with him.

"Let's strech some more, after that were done for today. Tomorrow we'll do the same routine" Joshua said. I complied and streched a bit to make sure I didn't get any injuries or pain in my muscles. Streching is really important. We grabbed all our stuff and walked out the gym, me noticing Jimins gaze on the back of my head. I waited in front of the door as Joshua got his bike from the back.

It was now 12, lunch time, which meant we had spent 4 hours on my daily training. Normally that'd be 2 or 2,5 but since it was weekend, it got doubled.

"Climb on" Joshua yelled at me. I jumped on the bike and Joshua cycled us home. I tiredly walked to the kitchen to get an apple and water. I would rather eat nothing, but Joshua would make a fuss again.

--------------------------

"Kookie, go to sleep. It's almost 12" Joshua muttered as he saw my tired body sitting at my desk, studying like always. I closed my books and leaned back, closing my eyes, and organized everything I did today in my mind. A thing I did to not go mad or forget things.

"I will" I said shortly. He nodded and walked out of my room to go to bed himself.

I slowly walked to the bathroom and once again confronted the mirror. That reflection. That boy staring back at me.

The voice in my head seemed to come to wake.

Murderer

That word, it kept reappearing every second of every day for the last 10 years.

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I'm sorry

I could have saved her

But no, I killed her.

I killed her

I'm so so sorry

The words wouldn't leave me alone. I'm about to go insane.

Worthless

Useless

Failure

Waste of space

Faggot

Ugly

You bring shame upon your family

You should die

Nobody cares

Nobody...

Nobody at all.

The words just didn't stop, they kept coming. The tears rolled over my cheeks once again, my hands were trembling. I couldnt sit still. I had to move. I had to get away from here. So I ran.

I ran out of the house, not bothering to be quiet. Joshua was a deep sleeper and all the other servants were asleep in the other side of the mansion, they wouldn't hear me anyway. The guards were replaced by cameras years ago, nobody was stopping me.

Run, run like the coward you are

Run you son of a bitch

You waste of pace

It was dark on the streets, there were a few people walking on the sidewalk, either drunk, hanging out with friends and smoking or making out with some whore they found. Nobody really paid attention to me. Maybe a few seconds to look over my unusual outfit which consisted of track shorts and a black shortsleeved shirt. Not something you would wear at night, eventhough it's spring.

Just kill yourself

Nobody will miss you

They'd probably be happy when you're gone

After a while of full out running I arrived at a river, don't know which, don't care either. I walked to the middle of the deserted bridge and looked down to the water. If I'd jump, I'd surely be dead, if not from the fall, then from the freezing water.

Do it

Jump

Then everyone is happy

The words made me go mad. It's true, it's all true. Nobody would miss me, I'm just a waste of space, I don't deserve to live. I killed her. Why would I deserve to live. I fucking killed her.

Tears ran down my cheeks again. Cry baby.

I couldn't help it. Her face, it kept flashing in my head. She was smiling, dancing, living a happy life. The background was light, bright, happy. Then everything turned dark. Her smiling face changed into a pain stricken one. She wasn't dancing, but bleeding to death on the ground. Her eyes were wide and full of pain. Her face was smeared with blood, and a big puddle of the same red substance was around her head.

"It's your fault, I hate you. This is all your fault" my moms wordes were like a knife to the heart. But she was right, it was all my fault.

Now it's time to pay for it.

I slowly climbed on the railing. It was slippery because of the rain that had fallen a few hours ago.

There was a shout behind me, but I couldn't hear what it was saying.

I looked down in the river. Everyone will be happy, just jump you coward.

I leaned forward and let go.

This is it.

It's over.

I'm going to die.

And I deserve it.

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Omg, sorry.
Don't hate me please.
It's not even the third chapter and I sorta killed Jungkook.
1483 words, not THAT long actually😰

I do hope you enjoyed the chapter though, I dont know if it's ok.
Comment if you find any errors or whatever! I always read the comments!

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-RK