amare//love

i've never been good at expressing my emotions. maybe it had to do something with how weak i felt when i cried, or how every good thing would fade away when i finally felt happy. so, i kept it to myself. not a lot of people know what emotions i am feeling because i never say it, but there are— were, a couple of people i held close to my heart. i loved them. truly. still do.

when they left, i didn't know what to do. all the love for them is still here with nowhere to go, no one to give to, and it builds up slowly, wrapping its devilishly long fingers around my heart, squeezing it with all the energy it can muster. blood drips down its hands and it smiles that menacing smile— satisfied, almost, because all love ever does is hurt and hurt and hurt and fucking hurt some more. 

i have totally given up the idea of love, whether it be platonic or romantic. i don't want to put myself though that pain again what i felt when they left. and maybe i admit, it was my fault that i pushed them away, but then i never saw it coming. i never saw them walking away, done with my shit. but then, nobody had stayed before, so it didn't really come as a surprise.

there's nothing but a gaping hole left in my chest, where my heart used to be. and for some reason, emptiness has become comforting to me because it has been here for so long that it has become comforting now. alluring. there's no sadness, but just emptiness. in a way, that is worse than feeling the pain or hurt because it was the only thing that reminded me that i was (am?) alive. that I'm breathing.

i don't know how to talk to someone about my emotions or problems because i've been closed off for so long now that i have no idea how to express my feelings. sure, i do laugh and smile and it is genuine, but it's not the same. it is not the same. there is no emotional attachment with people, and for that, i'm both thankful and upset. thankful because nobody can come close enough to hurt me, and upset because nobody can come close enough.

mum once told me— a couple of week ago, actually— that i've built up walls so high that i don't let anyone in. not even family. but what she doesn't know is, i have no idea how to let the walls down, no matter how desperate i am for love. no matter how much i just want to break them and be free. love.

that's a funny thing, actually. not wanting to love, but still wanting it. craving for it. but, maybe i do want the love, i just don't want the hurt it brings with it. hurt is inevitable, i know, and the thing is, we can choose the people by whom we get hurt, but that still doesn't make it any better or easier. friends break your fucking heart. family does, too. pain is everywhere and i don't know how to escape it. the walls are built so fucking high and i want to let go of them, tear them down, destroy them, but only for the right person.

sometimes i think that all the love, be it platonic or romantic, is worth all the pain it brings with it, but then, when it's just one sided? unrequited? you care about the person so much, pour out all of your soul for them to see— the good ,the bad, the ugly— and then what if they decide that you're not worth it? you're not worth all the baggage your bring? being loved and then being left hurts, sure, but what about being naked, stripping off your soul, showing them what you really are, and then they leave. just like that. it's terrifying— love. tears you apart, bit by bit, piece by piece.

but platonic love is great, you know? being cared about by someone with no ulterior motives. being loved just because you're you and just being around them makes you happy. their presence is enough. it's great, no matter what you do– even if it's just laying down on their bed, not taking and showing each other memes from time to time, laughing at them. or even studying together. doing homework. going to clubs. getting drunk. being happy. but then one day, it just ends. and when it ends, it ends you. so, no, i really don't want to go through that again. i'm good. i really am.

romantic love, on the other hand? it must be better than good, but i can't tell because I've never been in love. well, maybe almost— i was pretty damn close, but everything 'good' comes to an end. i poured in my everything and this was back when i wasn't so 'broken', i guess. or, so closed off. i loved and i loved and i loved with my everything, just to find out it wasn't enough. it never was. never is.

maybe it has something to do with me. maybe not. maybe it's just sheer bad luck. maybe it's me. i can never say. never.

i stopped believing in love somewhere when i was around 14-years-old, the romantic kind. platonic, yeah, i believed in it for a while. when i was 17, i stopped believed in love altogether. i gave up trying to show people how i felt. i stopped because i felt nobody wanted to listen to me over and over again, because all that i had left was self-hatred, and pain, and sadness, and some more self-hatred. why would someone want to listen to me going on and on about petty negative feelings that wouldn't matter ten years down the line? well, it's been five years and these feelings are still there, but the people aren't. everything has changed and i don't like it because i don't like change. not even one bit.

i am tired of being so emotionally dead, no, scratch that— I'm exhausted over not feeling anything. maybe that's why i pour my everything (of what i have left) in bands or books or movie series or literally anything that makes me forget about the chaos going on in my head. the thoughts aren't that bad anymore, thankfully. but still, there are some remains stuck in my head like the chewing gum you can't scrape off of the bottom of your shoe. maybe that's why i blast music so loud that i can't hear a fucking thought, or maybe that's why i throw myself into books and push and push and push myself to read even when the sun is about to come up and my eyes are itchy because i haven't slept. maybe it's because all of these things take it all away, even for a little while. maybe i don't care about what's going around me, be it politically or globally or in my family, or whatever, or maybe i don't really talk to people anymore, but it's just that the buzzing in my head makes it difficult to concentrate or even keep a track of things. i get lost in my thoughts, sometimes happy, otherwise empty.

no one other than me can make me happy and that's what i'm aiming towards. maybe i don't believe in love, but i think it's time to love myself.