Crystal Winter Frost

Run.

Run.

Like the wall I had created, and the rift I had probably constructed between Alanna and myself, my brain froze over. I lost control over my entire being—the guilt, the aching, and the sadness was too overwhelming. . I finally reached my room and shut the door with a loud bang.

I locked the door.

I didn't know how to face them anymore. When Alanna talked about Mom and Dad, it struck a nerve—to say the least. Being a Moon Spirit was a great honor, but an intrinsic instinct to flee took over my being.

I was familiar with this feeling.

It was called fear.

The very word sent shivers down my spine as I recalled the black sand encounter just a day before.

Dad always knew how to tell a joke to get the fear out of me. Mom said meditation would work. Oh, how it hurt to think about my parents and their fate. It wasn't like them to just leave me alone for more than a week. Even if they were on trips like these, Gale would deliver their messages to me. But I had checked with the wind time and time again. The answer was the same—no letters, no sign of where they were.

I heard Alanna knocking on my door—five times, just like how Aunt Anna used to. "Crystal, it's me," she said quietly. Who knows how she had gotten past that barricade.

I shook my head and moved to the windowsill. I didn't want to talk to anyone—I had caused enough harm. It wouldn't do any good confronting Alanna or explaining things to her. She didn't even know about the encounter—for kingdom's sake, she didn't even know my power stemmed from my being, not from my ice gun or wand. Winter was in my name and in my blood, and with the winter came an ice-cold resolve and a tendency to shut others out.

"Crystal?" Alanna persistently knocked on my door.

"I'm a monster." My voice quivered. "Go away before you hurt yourself, Alanna. You don't know how much harm I've caused."

"Don't let fear take the reins. Talk to me, please!" Alanna shouted from behind the door.

"Just leave me alone."

Then came a silence from the hallway.

"Locked behind those heavy doors
Bottled up inside.
I'm waiting for you outside your door–
What have you got to hide?:

Alanna's melodic voice floated from the doorway.

I know, I know,
They told you
'Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know.'
But you've closed all your doors
And there's no way for me to help you grow."

"Satin gloves, what are you concealing?
Satin gloves, tell me how you're feeling.
What are you hiding?
You're so fragile.
Even tough girls let it go once in a while,"

I didn't respond, and so Alanna left my doorway. I leaned on my windowsill as the sound of her footsteps faded into the distance.

Standing up, I walked to the space beside my bed. I looked at myself in the mirror, my right hand covered with ice. It was evident that I couldn't control my fear, and my powers seeped through my veins and out into the open, wrestling with my mind to be free. I shook my head to rid myself of the ice, but it was no use. If I was locked in here, I wouldn't need my gloves. My powers wouldn't harm anyone but me.

I threw my wand, gun, and remaining glove outside the window for good measure. See, Mom, I thought. I'm letting it go. Just like you.

And with letting go came the singing, I remembered.

"It's finally come, come to knock down my door.
I can't hide this time like I hid before.
The storm is awake in me—the danger is real,
My time's running out.
Don't feel, don't feel."

I paced around the room anxiously. I knew I couldn't let this fear control me—both Dad and Mom had told me not to give in to it. I'd seen it firsthand today and had used force to stand up against it—but when my strength ran out, how would I stop Pitch Black from infiltrating my mind? My singing wasn't helping to calm myself down, but I persisted. If it had helped Mom, it would help me, too.

"'Fear will be your enemy and death its consequence'
That's what they once said to Mom
But it's starting to make sense..."

I thought about how much had changed since Mom cast an eternal winter over Arendelle, and how she had thawed it with her love. Then, Mom and Aunt Anna had discovered the enchanted forest and became the Fifth Spirit. I thought about how Mom met Dad—I didn't know how; they refused to tell me, but all I knew was that they had met each other after Mom discovered Ahtohallan and had moved in. And here I was, in my room, Mom's old room. With the past repeating itself. How things loved to circle back to their origins. One could say destiny was already calling to me.

"A monster, am I right?
Has the dark in me finally come to light?
Am I a monster full of rage?
Nowhere to go but on a rampage?
Or am I just a monster...in a cage?"

Was I a monster? Was I really using my powers for good? All that I had done so far was cause destruction. I had almost killed Alanna—twice. I feared the storm in me intensifying, and a bolt of ice shot across the room from my hands to the window. Sing, my mind implored me. Sing to soothe the fear.

"What do I do?
No time for crying now.
I've started this storm inside me, gotta stop it somehow."

I felt tears starting to come down my face and hastily wiped them away. Crying wouldn't stop the fear inside me. This was a stark difference from my Epic Winter with my friends back at Ever After High—the problem wasn't because of some evil villains, it was because of all the emotions that I had bottled up over the years. The antagonist was within me, but I was the protagonist as well.

"I'm making my world colder,
How long can it survive?
Is everyone in danger as long as I'm alive?"

My parents had used their powers for a noble cause, but it seemed like I was shutting everyone out with them. Was the ability to control ice a blessing or a curse? This wasn't the first time I had asked myself this question. It seemed to work well for my parents, but maybe it just wasn't cut out for me. I took shaky breaths to quell my confusion, but fear got the best of me for a moment.

"Was I a monster from the start?
How did I end up with this frozen heart?
Bringing destruction once again?
Caught in a storm that is growing in my mind?" 

I belted out my pain and frustration, sending my mixed emotions to my reflection in the mirror covered with ice. Don't let fear take over you, Crystal Winter Frost, I thought. Don't be the monster you think you are.

"Dad, you know how to have fun.
If I let loose, will it bring back the sun?
Mom, what if I go away
The cold gets colder and I can't save the day?"

I looked wistfully at the picture and hoped they could hear me somehow. Mom and Dad were always there when I felt utterly helpless. They weren't here this time.

It was up to me to conquer my fear—as it had always been.

"No!
I have to stay right here to rid all this fear
Use my powers for a good cause
And show them I'm worthy!"

I thought hard about love and sacrifice, like my mother had done to thaw Arendelle. I searched for the hope inside me that my parents would return, and held onto the spark like a beacon, chasing the fear away. I reminded myself that there were many people behind my locked doors waiting to support me—if only I was brave enough to take off those satin gloves that had been hiding the truth from them for so long. Things would reveal themselves in due time—maybe I wasn't completely ready to confront everyone with the reason I was here. Maybe I just wanted solace and time to process my feelings first—and I'd gotten it.

Singing did help after all. Mom was right.

I belted out the last part of my song in triumph—never in fear again.

"If I'm a monster, then it's true!
There's only one thing that's left for me to do.
But before I fade to white
I'll do all that I can to make things right."

I punched my fist up in the air. Fear, be gone!

I would not let fear control me any longer. It wouldn't be a consequence of my recklessness, nor something I fought against. The sea could not be restrained, but it could be navigated—with a trusty captain and crew on a ship. I would be the captain of my life, and I would let others aboard to help me through the storms.

I cannot be a monster.

I will not be a monster.

Not tonight. 

(a/n: The song sung by Alanna is an original song that I composed, called Satin Gloves. The song sung by Crystal is edited from the Frozen Broadway Musical song, Monster.)