Book Title: Promise Me (former title)
The Kodama's Revenge (new title)

Written By: acrylic_blood
Chapters Read: 3

Fair Warning, blunt reviewer

Cover: —no score— 

  I think the cover is nice, as well as the aesthetic in it. The title is large, though it almost blends in with the background. It almost has that calm, autumn-esque feel to it.

  However, I wouldn't really say that using an anime cover would help much. It's probably just a personal taste of mine though (I use an anime cover in one of my oldest books, even).

  Visually, it doesn't quite explain to us what we're about to expect when we're about to check out the book. Looking at the cover and title alone I thought this was a romance novel.

  And with the new cover (this was sort of an on the spot rush)... I personally don't think it matches the overall mood of the story. And I also have no clue as to what all the foliage that's been added on means. The statement still stands that it looks like the cover for a romance novel though.

  ...I was informed of this last minute but I don't want to delete the former paragraphs due to my petty desire of wanting everything else to stay up, so it's staying up. Just... inform me earlier next time, preferably the very moment the cover (temporarily) and title were changed.

Blurb: 3/5

  In terms of components, the blurb, pretty much nailed the first three of the four basic components on structuring. Character/s, Setting, and Plot. However, I think it lacks the Stakes, or what would basically happen if the plot isn't successful. That's the reason why I wasn't quite as hooked as I wanted to be.

  It all varies on the author's tastes and strategies on whether or not they would keep certain aspects of those much more vague than the norm, but those four aspects have to at least take form in the blurb, one way or another. It's what helps ground us and makes the distinction on what makes this particular story different from the rest.

  First off, one doesn't go around having to painstakingly explain the creatures in the story's world when a blurb is supposed to pique a reader's interest, not give them a lesson on magical creatures. That weirdly specific point that is focused on this particular part is baffling, especially when compared to the fact that the other aspects that should be shown a larger amount of attention (suspense too) isn't there. I think the part about Kodama's should've been part of the worldbuilding in the actual chapters, not in the blurb itself. It would give readers that pinch of curiosities to know what they are too.

  I don't really... know much about the plot to begin with other than it being in here so there's that. I don't get why there was a huge array of dashes just before Yumi's introduction, but that was unnecessary. Welp, that will be it for the pointers. Buckle up because everything after this will be long.

Description: 1.5/5

  If I'm going to be honest about things, then I'd say that I was pretty much more than ready to drop the entire thing even as I was halfway through the first chapter.

  There is way too much telling, first of all. The pace is fast (for me it sure felt like it) and there were a lot of character introductions that gave me both a whiplash and a severe case of Idonotcare-itis.

  So... we have the main characters introduced in their casual, daily environment. That's a nice touch, if it weren't for the overwhelming amount of dialogue and other characters smothered in so hastily. I get the need to have the first chapter hook your readers in by introducing the interesting characters and the bits that make them tick, but doing this all in one go without even the slightest hints of proper description for us to know them just makes it extra hard to slog through the scene and through the chapter as a whole.

  In the first chapter alone, we meet a royal guard, the king, and so on and so forth. This just makes them look rushed, look shallow, and two dimensional for me to even want to keep track of. First of all, readers want to latch onto the main character first. He's the all important protagonist, so our eyes need to be onto him longer than the rest of the cast. We need to be able to get to know him, even just a little gist of it, by the first chapters.

  Appearance, mindset, mannerisms, voice. These are the four basic things I usually try to keep a track of and include whenever I'm describing a character in a story. Why? Because it's what sticks to the readers. (This should've been in the Character Section but this is part of how to do character descriptions so... *shrug.*)

  A famous example would be Percy from Percy Jackson. His eyes are a shade of sea green, we all know that. His mindset is straightforward (and being an aloof seaweed brain) while his quirks and mannerisms include him being quippy and sassy and having a strange obsession with blue food. In terms of voice, his usage of words is modern and appropriate for his age, though you can straight up tell from his sentence structures that he's not to keen on the long-winded monster names and complicated terms like Annabeth or Jason does. And please be reminded that this takes at least an entirety of the first ten chapters to form.

  Okay, hopping off of the Percy Jackson example (I'm not gonna use my story as an example because that thing is also covered in mistakes and I don't like seemingly thinking I'm better) we're moving onto the pace of the introductions to this story's characters. Please keep in mind that I'm not comparing this to Percy Jackson, nor any famous books, whatsoever. This is just a breakdown regarding the four basics to a character.

  There is a lot of telling going on, as I have mentioned earlier, and here is where I'll elaborate onto that more.

  This probably isn't even one of the best examples there is because the others are all in the Grammar Section of the story, but you get the gist.

  Reo was content. Okay...? Not gonna elaborate on how he was content? Is the father just... that? Happy look? Everything just seems too shallow. Adjectives don't equal to showing.

  Peppering the entire dialogue tags with adverbs (adjectives tacked onto verbs) such as 'Reo said sadly,' or 'she said happily,' doesn't equal to us feeling the same way the characters did.

  So what if he said it sadly? Okay, we know he's sad. Moving on. That's the kind of reaction a reader would get with those kinds of telling. It's too plain, too telling, and it doesn't convey things as well as when you give hints of their actions to explain their emotions in a not-so-blatant-that-it-looks-like-a-slap-in-the-face manner.

  Compare it to showing. And yes, I know that showing and telling have to be balanced, or else it'll end up in purple prose if it becomes too superfluous.

  Let's use the image above as an example then, shall we?

  Reo is content and all that stuff.

I.e:

  It sounded strange, but Reo simply answered with a small nod and a smile. Well, at least his father was happy.

  Here is another example of just plain adding adverbs in a dialogue:

  I'm not saying that adverbs are bad (not all of them anyway)... but just that it's tiring and repetitive, while the whole back-and-forth thing going on doesn't quite capture the atmosphere that the characters are supposed to have. They just look shallow.

  Frustration is a pretty heavy word if you ask me. It's when a person is pissed off so much, and that particular word is used here, in a supposedly lighthearted teasing scene. It just goes eerily out of place. Yumi just went from cheerful to frustrated in under a second. This is making me ask what kind of vodka she's having. And in the next scene she's all... giggling? Seriously, she switches her emotions faster than a pregnant lady.

  Change it up, and don't just keep adding adverbs, or else you're gonna run out of words to use from thesaurus.com that fits the description you're having in your head. There can be other ways to describe how the character talks or reacts that doesn't involve all the cheerfully, sadly, quietly, annoyingly, or just those stuff in general. 

  Why can't it be just like, Yumi looked up at him, frowning. However, Reo could still catch the glimpse of her lips threatening to turn into a smile. That gives us a hint that she's not really bipolar and is actually enjoying the little jokes, and Reo isn't just some clueless, pompous prat.

  Subtle changes can hint at emotions. Blatantly saying that the character is happy or sad is just... lazy. There are a lot of ways to convey emotions without making them repetitive.

  Dialogue tags aren't really necessary. A person isn't supposed to use this very often unless it has to either help clarify exactly who is speaking, or to add onto the how they are speaking it. I myself fell onto the dialogue tag hole before, it's still very evident in my story actually, since I haven't done any edits to it. Dialogue tags aren't that important, especially when only two people are talking because the alternating statements alone serve enough purpose of their conversation.

  They can be removed, and pretty much nothing would change. Bonus brownie points would be the fact that those pesky adverbs would finally go away too.

  Sensory imagery can also help convey the environment around them. Sight is just the beginning. Hearing, smell, taste, touch. How does it all feel to your characters? What do they think about it? Do they unconsciously react to it in a negative, or positive way? How do their opinions vary from their companions?

  Also... the setting. I just felt like some sort of spirit lost from my own body with how disorienting it was. I had no idea we were in the palace until Yumi outright said they were in the palace, and Yumi's point of view just got crammed in the latter half of the chapter. What does the place look like? And no, it doesn't have to have a superfluous description or anything like that, we just want to feel like we're actually grounded.

  With everyone just talking around and there aren't any hints of the surroundings, it just makes it seem like they're nothing more than floating little heads and voices with no bodies in a white, empty void. That's just how I end up imagining them without the descriptions to aid the particular imagery.

  Because of the tedious amounts of dialogue, the setting and the supposed environment we're suddenly thrust into (that we still don't know anything about) just isn't there. Sure, you can imagine your own story and its settings perfectly fine, but we the readers don't share your brain, so we... really don't have a clue. More about settings and architecture on the Realism Section of this review.

  The next (and hopefully last) thing I will address in this particular section is this:

  Personally... this thing didn't have to be in there, though I understand the dramatic flair of touch and all to be included. But that part wouldn't have needed any blatant explanation if it was handled well. We, the audience, the readers, are capable of catching connections like those. We don't have to be spoonfed with information regarding character connections all the time. We can understand it on our own, so I don't really find this particular part necessary, unless it's for some not-so-important character.

  But exactly because the entire first chapter was smothered in, we wouldn't have time to see for ourselves how those particular connections happen. Don't force character interactions and relationships onto us by just telling us that, "oh he's like this to him and he's like that to her," because it comes off as lazy writing. Give them time to actually show us how their character relationships happen.

  The overall clutter the many characters made in the first chapter is too overwhelming. It's one of the major reasons why I almost dropped it after that one particular part. There will be more to that in the Character Section.

Grammar: 2.5/5

  So we're finally here. One of the first perks of minimalist writing in my opinion is that it tends to be a whole boatload easier to correct and see if there are any grammatical errors and stuff, so it wasn't as tedious as trying to unravel the whole cluttered characters and blank descriptions.

  It would be a fairly smooth read if I focused on grammar alone, though there were things I found along the story that made me frown.

  First off:

  The semicolon here is used incorrectly. They are used to join two independent clauses that can function on their own but are closely connected to each other in a way that they can also be used to function together. In a much more basic term, they're fancier ways of linking stuff without having to add in and, but, because, and the like.

  However, for that to happen, the second half of the sentence that is linked by the semicolon needs to be tightly related to the first half. And I don't see how the orange kimono relates to her hair at all. So in my opinion, just replace this with a comma or the words and or while and you'll be good to go.

  Next up is this:

  This is one of the things I had mentioned before, in the Description Section. Telling and not showing. The underline on the sadly, functions just like how I underlined the previous adjectives. I'm not gonna beat the dead horse anymore so we're gonna jump onto the next underlined phrase... which is pretty obvious.

  'Be so sad,' implies that she wants Reo to be sad... is that what it was? O.o

  Because... yeah I don't have any more quips for that. Change it up to 'Don't be so sad,' and it'll actually look like Natsume cares just a little bit.

  Next up is a question I really, really want some answers from. May I ask, what, in your opinion, differentiates the periods from the commas at the end of a character's statement?

  Because you go back and forth from it all.

  Allow me to provide an image of how this entire comma-period thing just confused the hell out of me:

  And now add that in as a sort of continuation to the previous image before this. In the other image with Natsume "caring" for Reo, two versions of said had been used. One ended with a comma, the latter ended with a period.

  Just why.

  I'm sorry if I'm coming off right now as a total ass, but really. It was It's already right the first one. So just... why. Does it look like a nice aesthetic to use?

  Even the second one, the current image this entire thread has been under the entire time. 'She said,' is a dialogue tag, and so every single time the said comes up after the dialogue, then it should've just been a comma.

  What's a dialogue tag?

  A dialogue tag is technically still part of a sentence (or in this case the character's dialogue and statement) which makes it the reason why using a comma fits. Because as the name suggests, it's still part of the sentence itself as a 'tag.' Dialogue tags are basically how a character says something.

  Examples of it are: said, asked, muttered, whispered, yelled, shouted, etc.

  See the similarities in them?

  Okay, let's say that part is done and over with, but what if it's like that last paragraph, where the king is nodding? It's not a dialogue tag because it doesn't show how the king phrased his statement, hence why the red underline. That's not how dialogue tags work, and they'll never work that way, so the comma should've been just changed into a period.

  That is called an Action Tag.

  And what is the difference between this and that? Well... just... the names. They're pretty obvious. The Action tag is the separate action that the character does while/before/after they are doing their dialogue. That's fairly simple, isn't it? Unlike the dialogue tag, this doesn't attach itself as part of the previous sentence, so it just forms a new, separate clause on its own, hence the period.

  I hope this sloppy explanation of how those two are different from each other worked out, anyway.

  Moving onto the next one:

  Dialogues and paragraphs. Just... separate them. It's really not that hard. Putting a separate dialogue from another character in the same paragraph as the other character just creates mass confusion.

  Look at it this way. Take a glance at the second paragraph, where Reo got up. In my understanding (after rereading the same sentence over and over again) it's Natsume that offered to ask him about his food, because technically there are no other princes here, is there?

  But to the others (and me) it looked like Reo was the one who was speaking and asking that question, because it was initially his actions that were given to us in the first place. Having a different person's dialogue crammed in there with him doesn't make sense, because it will look like he, the prince, is offering himself if he would still like to eat. You get the gist. Confusion.

  Same goes for the first paragraph. It's clearer in there that Natsume is obviously the one saying it, but it just looks cluttered and messy to clump them all up together like that. Just separate them. Gives it a much cleaner touch and less bafflement to those who are reading this.

  And now for a certain something that's the exact opposite of the previous point that's been made:

  Why did they have to be separated. In writing, there's this law about a new character, then it means new subject, then it translates to a new paragraph. Yumi is still the same one speaking so why did it have to be placed in a separate paragraph? Is it just... to seem dramatic? It doesn't, I'll be blunt about this. It comes off as both confusing and annoying, because Yumi is still the speaker and the subject, so there was literally no point in separating the paragraph like this.

  Next up is this part:

  I've underlined the adjectives again here — though I think (hopefully) that the point had already gone through, just how excessive they are in these parts.

  The topic to be covered here is the double punctuation. You probably see them a lot in other medias such as manga or games that require dialogue (rpgs and otomes) but in formal writing... these things are pretty much frowned upon. Choose one. That's it.

  Next up is this:

  I have no idea why the idiot is in there just beside the second baka when the first baka didn't get the translation right away. But why is it just... randomly placed there in a parenthesis? I get it, it's a translation. But why is there no meaning beside the hairpin thing being described that Yumi wore? Why does it have to be placed in that particular word alone?

  The areas where the translations and meaning for the foreign terms are supposed to be put are so, so inconsistently added along all over the place. At the prologue it's by the end, which is nice because that's how almost (if not) all translations and terminology meanings go.

  But in the first chapter? It's in the middle. Why. Just add them down by the end of the chapter.

Characterization: 1.5/5

  Usually readers have their favorites. They can find those favorites right away because they have certain traits we can relate to, or because they have attributes that we admire or find charming.

  I don't know how else to cushion this but I found all the characters of this story bland and forgettable.

  To put it simply, it's the characters that carry the story. And if we have no will to like the certain character we're going on a journey with, then it's basically just mental torture. A chore to go and sludge through, so the most people who were actually in this for the plot are now contemplating on whether to drop this or not.

  Is it safe to assume that Yumi is the main character? Because with the plethora of them all around in their pandemonium of a chaotic corner it is incredibly hard to pinpoint just which one of them is the main protagonist.

  First off, it starts in the point of view of Reo, and I don't even know why it started off with his in the first place since he doesn't seem to be carrying out important information aside from lounging around. Then halfway through the chapter the perspective changed and suddenly moved back onto Yumi. So really. What was the point of Reo?

  While switching points of view can be done while writing in the same chapter, it's usually for a whole different purpose than to just, "now it's her turn to get screentime."

  A character getting their own point of view means it has to be relevant, one way or another. And while I understand your point that all your characters that had been introduced right off the bat on the first chapters are important, they aren't just yet. Allow us to be able to focus on Yumi, first and foremost.

  There are even times when I don't understand exactly whose PoV it is. It seems to be literally everywhere and nowhere at the same time. What's the point of it all again? Yumi, I understand, though it had to keep slipping back and forth between her and Reo for me to actually get that whole, "voice in the head," thing that's going on with her, and even that is simply told to us and not shown when we were actually in Yumi's PoV not too long ago.

  As to why I found the entire thing so cluttered, allow me to break the entire first chapter down.

  Reo wakes up, watches Yumi and the sister playing (or something) and the king comes along. Four characters.

  Then Natsume (the maid) comes along when there's a supposed peaceful talk and Reo is showing signs of hitting on her. Of course, we have no way of knowing if his comments are real or false because even though it's his PoV, we literally don't know what he's thinking at all. With this much time dedicated to her I'd expect her to be the female lead or something. Fifth character.

  Then there's Hajime. He just sort of... has a personality in him when he softens up a little at Kaori but that's basically it for both of them, and Yumi is wandering around again and just casually talking to the King who apparently doesn't have any workload to do. Sixth character.

  Not to mention some horses and then even a healer and then another royal family coming along. And then for some reason even the maids get their own point of view. It's all unnecessary and filler. Cut off the entire conversation in the kitchens and nothing would've changed.

  And you're saying we can keep track of all of them in the first few chapters alone and expect us to just swallow all that by the time the next chapter rolls in?

  Please give us time to breathe. Not all characters (major or not) have to be established early on. Avoiding this trope would help lighten up the workload of the entire first chapter. While it was a casual chapter, too many things happen because of the characters and their back-and-forth, not to mention a crammed in backstory about Hajime.

  Is his origin story really, really that important as to have it in the first chapter? If not, then please shove it back for a much later chapter for when it's finally time to pour our focus on Hajime.

  Let them have their own time together without making everything feel so rushed. Give them their own space, voice, and most importantly, a point of view that doesn't end up converging with the other characters. It just confuses the heck out of the readers because we don't know who we're supposed to be with at the moment. Add in their thoughts as well! Take advantage of third person and being able to switch PoVs.

  Show us their goals, their particular narrative voice. Are they deadpan serious? Do they use superfluous words from the influence of being royalty? Those little things help lay out a character's personality better than simple telling can, and it won't bog down the content of the chapters as well.

Plot: —no score—

  Category not included. Dropped in the third chapter, therefore no plot to be explored.

  While I understand that this was supposed to be the requested topic along with the characters, me not being able to sit through them long enough to want to know what the curse was about is my biggest reasoning.

  There wasn't even anything to hint at that there's a looming plot to unfold over the particular members of their palace in the first chapter, no foreshadowing, no suspense, no sudden twist to the emotions by the end of it.

  And yes, I know these are just the first three chapters, but the reader's emotions aren't supposed to stay stagnant when they're traversing from chapter to chapter. Think of a chapter as its own individual short story. It should make you feel different from when you began reading it to when you finally reached the end.

  Also... try handling the end of each chapter with a different approach. It seemed like nothing more than a supposed scene that was just randomly cut off whatsoever. The end of chapter three was just... there. Gone. There weren't any curiosities, just empty and hollow.

  And what was I supposed to feel when they were finally out horseback riding? Excitement? I was already feeling excitment when I started the chapter, though my enthusiasm drained away not that long after.

  There is... basically no enticing incident all along the lines of the first three chapters that I've read. If they were foreshadowing onto something, then I probably hadn't caught it amidst all the clutter. The casualty of it all that reaches until the end of Chapter 2 is also the reason why I was incredibly bored and wanted to put the book down.

  What is an enticing incident, you ask? Well, it is the particular event or occurrence that triggers the main plot and the characters to finally start moving. Most enticing incidents occur at the very beginning of the book to hook the readers into going forward, usually from the first chapter itself. It's what sets everything into motion. It's what gives the characters their objective to move around and pursue their goals.

  And if it didn't happen in the first chapters, then it would be lackluster. I get it, we need to see a sneak peek into their normal life and all, but by the time the first chapter comes to a close we should've at least been hit by that enticing incident to compel us to read the second chapter.

  And if a reader finds the chapters itself tedious to go through, then they'll drop it.

Realism: 2/5

   First off... as far as I'm concerned, the Japanese monarchy doesn't work in the way this book portrays it to be. There is no such thing as a king in Japan, the proper term is Emperor.

  I get that this is fiction and imagination is the limit in fiction, but it was specifically said that this took place in Japan so I'm not pulling any punches.

  And... yes, some research would probably do the story good, too. Japanese architecture was very different from the western ones that are seen to be more prevalent in modern media. If you want it to be historically accurate, since the period and the location were put out in both specific and realistic manner, then yes — do some actual research on architecture and the monarchy that's supposedly going on in Japan. It just feels really weird that the articles of clothing is eastern while the other terms such as infrastructure are western based. 

  And the term for 'carriage' might as well have been just zagyoshiki. I am curious as to how the Japanese terminology in the story came to be and why certain terms like baka is in Japanese while others are just English. It should at least be consistent.

  I should've mentioned this in the character part of the review... but just... Yumi herself is unrealistic. Her personality shines the way a cardboard does when hit with a flashlight. We really have no idea if she's supposed to be the serious type or the happy-go-lucky type or whatever.

  Her asking the King to narrate to her about Hajime is just... unrealistic. If she's been Imperial Leader the entire time, wouldn't she already know about these kinds of things? Also... her reveal to be the Imperial Leader is just... I don't know why it was wedged in the third chapter to begin with.

  I don't get it. Was it for the surprise factor? Because I wasn't just surprised, I was annoyed by how that fact isn't in the earlier chapter. I understand that big reveals are supposed to be hidden, but don't you think hinting at it could've made things easier rather than hitting us in the face with it? I think this fact also should've been basic for us.

  If we already know at the very beginning that she was of higher standing, it would've made that introduction of hers to the princess much for satisfying because we already know what she's gonna get for acting that way to Yumi.

  Overall... there was a lot of clutter and confusion, there were plenty of issues that I spotted, both technical and character-wise. Hope this review helps.

Total Score: 10.5/25

  Hello, Pai here.

  First off, I wanna start with the constant reminder that while I may be a reviewer, these reviews don't mean the end of the world if they're harsh. Most of my opinion can be deemed as subjective and more of them comes from personal taste, so do take everything with a grain of salt aside from Grammar and Realism and Character. Because those things combined create disinterested readers and plot holes. And plot holes can be glaring.

  I am, by all means, not just bitching about the book for no particular reason. This isn't hate. I get it. As a fellow writer, we treat these books as our babies that we birthed ourselves. But like babies, they have their flaws. And while no baby is perfect, we can at least make them amazing in their own way by addressing the weak points and trying to nurture them further.

  That's all there is to it. Hope this will give more room for improvement soon.

Total word count: 5285

...huh, the word count is increasing... O.o