Chapter 34: Walk

When I agreed to stay in this world, I also agreed to listen to his stories— for two months.

If he was telling me the truth, at least, I should have felt anything about him, but the moment I got hurt because of him, I felt unsafe. It was as if all I could only remember was pain, fear, and my desperation to survive. Mga bagay na alam kong kailanman ay hindi makakalimutan ng puso, utak at maging ng katawan ko. Kaya magagawa ba nila akong sisihin kung nahihirapan akong makaalala at hindi ako maniwala na bigla na lang ako magigising sa mundong ako ang reyna?

Nabuhay ako sa kaalaman na ang lahat ng nanakit sa akin ay kailanman ay hindi ko magiging kaibigan— o lalong higit pa sa isang asawa. Pag-ibig?

Do I deserve to have such a thing?

It's really hard to believe that I was in a different world and I was the wife of the king. Masyadong nakakatawa, hindi niya ba ako nakikilala? Baka pandirian niya ako kapag nalaman niya ang nakaraan ko.

Napailing na lang ako sa kinauupuan kong kama habang may nakapalibot na naman sa aking mga kababaihan.

After we settled down and agreed for two months, they summoned doctors, or what they called healers. Sila iyong mga babaeng nakasuot ng mahabang asul na. Apat araw na akong nakakakita ng iba't ibang kababaihan na iisa naman ang ginagawa sa akin. With their extended hands, illuminating with the warm hands and their faces of disappointment after that.

Tobias and Rosh were always present every time the healers tried to use their ability on me. Rosh stood firmly near the door, leaning on the wall with his arms crossed, while Tobias sat on the chair beside my bed, his arms pressing on his thighs, hands clasped together, and his head slightly bowed, avoiding my gaze.

"King Tobias . . ." tawag ng isa sa manggagamot.

Nang umiling muli ito kay Tobias, hindi na siya tumayo sa kanyang pagkakaupo at tumango lamang sa mga kababaihan.

Nawala sa kanyang pagkakasandal si Rosh at higit siyang lumapit sa mga kababaihan.

"Is there another way?"

"We can try the other procedure and we'll try to enter her mind, probably see how the witch cursed her, something is blocking her mind, but if we could force ourselves to enter, it might hurt her—" bigla nang tumayo si Tobias. Umiling siya kay Rosh.

"I summoned you to remove her pain, heal her first, let's deal with her memories later. J-just don't add her another pain. Make her healthy. I want her to stand again, run, smile—" huminga siya nang malalim ngunit nanatili siyang nakatalikod sa akin. "Don't force her. I can wait."

Sabay-sabay yumuko ang mga kababaihan sa nakatalikod na Tobias sa akin bago ang mga iyon magpaalam.

Tobias tried to look over his shoulder, but he stopped midway. I saw how he lifted one of his hands on his face before he looked at Rosh and nodded.

Sa huli ay naiwan ako sa silid na iyon kasama si Rosh. Bumuntonghininga siya at naupo sa dulo ng aking kama.

"I'm sorry . . ."

"Huh?"

"We should have seek help from the Gazellians, but we couldn't. Wala sa amin ni Tobias ang may lakas ng loob humarap sa kahit sinong Gazellian sa mga oras na ito."

"Who are they?"

He smiled bitterly. "Family friend?"

"They can help me?"

"Claret can help you. Can you remember her? She's the most powerful priestess in this world, she can help you, but our family . . ." nailing na lang si Rosh.

"Veda . . ."

Huminga nang malalim si Rosh nang sabihin ko ang pangalang iyon. Nawala ang pagkakatuon ng mga kamay niya sa kama, sa halip ay pinagkrus niya ang kanyang mga hita, nagulat na lang ako nang may lumabas na pulang rosas sa kanyang mga kamay at sinimulan niya iyong paglaruan.

"You're a magician . . ."

Umiling siya. "Everything is a mess right now, Kezalli. We lost a battle. We lost someone very important to us, and it's hard to accept that our sister— Veda is behind all of this. The sister I vowed to find, to save . . ."

"I heard about a throne . . ."

He bitterly laughed. "I never wanted a crown, Kezalli. But for my sister to stop— for her to stop hurting everyone, she has to seek for me. She has to desperately take the crown from me."

I gasped. "Y-you're trying to sacrifice yourself."

He sighed. "Tobias and I will do everything to find a cure for you. If I was right that you choose to bury yourself to surrender or you get tired of fighting, that's why your own mind is blocking everything, we will help you in two months to realize that you don't deserve this, you will get revenge for everything they have done to you, Kezalli, and when the time comes you have returned, Tobias and I will watch in pleasure as you get back at them." Mariin ang bawat bitaw ng mga salita ni Rosh na ramdam ko ang biglang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso ko kasabay nang biglang paglandas ng luha ko.

"Y-you knew . . . how?"

Umiling siya sa akin. "They messed up with the wrong queen. You're a Le'Vamuievos's Queen, Kezalli. This family has never been savaged in history— or let's say our ancestors or even our parents tried to cover up this family on how messed up we were. But those witches chose violence, and now that we're about to blow up with Veda's appearance? We don't care anymore about the mess or our image anymore. Si Tobias? Hindi iyan sumasabog, lagi iyang kalmado, but his silence right now? It's like a calm before the storm."

Hindi na ako makapagsalita dahil sa mga sinasabi ni Rosh.

"Among the princes of the prophecy, I can say that Tobias has always been the kindest among us and considerate to wait, he's willing to take all your words without a flinch, but if this happened to me . . . Zen and those weak Seth and Blair? Baka mawalan na kami sa tamang pag-iisip. That's why please . . . don't make Tobias your villain, because he will not hurt you. And this presence that you felt for me? The safety . . . I have a power of pheromones for every woman to feel safe for me."

Tumayo na si Rosh at tumalikod na sa akin, ngunit sa isang iglap ay muli siyang nakaupo mula sa kama, sa pagkakataong ito ay higit siyang malapit sa akin. Nakakrus muli ang hita niya at inabot niya sa akin ang rosas na hawak niya.

"Are you trying to act friendly with me?"

Nag-angat siya ng isang kilay sa akin. "No. I am not even a friend of anyone else, they say, I am a traitor. Didn't you hear my declaration? I am about to steal a throne."

His words were contradicting. He just told me that he was planning to claim a throne to stop his sister.

He tilted his head, and his eyes were challenging me, but in the end, I accepted the red rose. "You're trying to play confusion with me, aren't you?"

"Hmm . . . "

Tumayo na siya at nagtungo na siya sa may pinto. "Just don't think that you're safer with me that my brother. Dahil kung sandaling sabay kayong nahulog ni Astrid sa bangin, and you were clinging unto her that would make her fall . . ." lumingon siyang muli sa akin at ngumisi. "Itutulak kita."

"I will kill you for that." Napalingon ako nang may nakatayo na sa bintana. Si Tobias na nakakrus na ang mga braso at nagniningas ang mga mata sa kanyang kapatid.

Rosh laughed. "I was just kidding, dear brother."

Kumaway siya sa amin ni Tobias bago siya tuluyang iniwan kami sa silid ni Tobias.

Namayani ang katahimikan sa pagitan namin ni Tobias. It was awkward to be alone with him, lalo na't siya iyong lubusan kong nakalimutan.

"I shouldn't have left you with that brother of mine."

"It's fine . . ."

Rosh was right, Tobias has been trying to be considerate. Dahil hindi ko siya matingnan nang diretso ay nanatili lang siya sa may bintana at magagawa ko lang siya makita kung lilingon ako sa kanya.

"You can ask questions, but if you want to rest, I can stay outside—" marahas na akong lumingon sa kanya.

"H-hindi ba't ikaw ang hari ng lugar na ito? Nararapat ba na lagi kang naririto? Hindi ba't may mga tungkulin ka?"

His green eyes mellowed when he looked at me, I felt my chest tighten. Agad akong nag-iwas ng tingin sa kanya. Sa pagtitig ko sa kanyang berdeng mga mata, tila higit akong nasasaktan.

We were hurting each other.

Dahil sa narinig ko sa sinabi sa akin ni Rosh, nalaman ko na may higit silang nalalaman sa pagkatao ko sa mundo ng mga tao. Why did this king accepted a queen like that?

Paano kung kagagawan ito ng mga nilalang na tutol sa pagiging reyna ko? Paano kung maulit lang ito? Hindi ba ito isang malaking aral sa kanya na dapat siyang humanap ng mas mabuting reyna kaysa sa katulad ko?

"But you are the most—" he sighed. "I will leave."

Ako naman ngayon ang natahimik at hinabol ko siyang muli ng tanaw sa likuran niya. "Do you think I'll be cured? Do you think I've done this to myself? Paano kung ulitin nila sa akin? Paano kung ulitin ko sa sarili ko? Do you think it's better if we spare each other to hurt—"

He was holding the doorknob. "Two months, Kezalli. Hurt me if you like it. Just give me the two months. Have a rest."

***

Iyon ang huli naming pag-uusap ni Tobias bago ko narinig sa mga tagasunod at manggagamot na ipinadadala niya araw-araw na bumalik na siya sa pagdalo sa pagpupulong. Ang nanatiling naroon lang sa tabi ko ay si Rosh na nagku-kuwento sa akin ng lahat ng pinagdaanan ko sa mundong ito.

"I met you during our mission with the other princes of the prophecy. And you and Tobias were . . . gross." Umikot ang mga mata niya.

Kasalukuyan nang nakaagapay sa akin ang dalawang babaylan habang nagsisimula na akong maglakad, nasa harapan ko si Rosh na bigla na lang tatanggalin ang pagkakakrus ng kanyang braso sa tuwing muntik na akong bumagsak.

Dalawang linggo na at hindi pa rin nagpapakita sa akin si Tobias, ngunit alam kong dumadalaw siya sa tuwing natutulog ako. Patuloy ako sa paglalakad hanggang sa tumango na ako sa mga babae, at kapwa sumilay ang mga ngiti sa labi namin ni Rosh nang nagkapaglakad na ako mag-isa, ngunit agad rin akong natumba.

"It's okay!" I said between my laughter. "Nakakalakad na ako!"

"Yes, just a little bit of practice," sabi ni Rosh.

Sa ikatlong linggo ko roon ay ganoon pa rin, nasa loob pa rin ako ng aking silid, si Rosh lang ang dumadalaw sa akin habang gising ako, habang si Tobias naman ay sa tuwing natutulog ako.

His hands were always trembling and when I flinched, he quickly disappeared in the thin air as I opened my eyes. Kaya nang muli akong dalawin ng mga babaylan at ni Rosh ay sinabi ko na ang tumatakbo sa isipan ko.

"Nasaan si Tobias?"

Umangat ang kilay ni Rosh. "Are you missing him?"

"No."

"Hmm . . ."

"Puwede ba akong maglakad na sa labas?"

"When?"

"Is it fine now?"

Lumingon si Rosh sa mga kababaihan na kapwa tumango. "All right. You might as well smell the scent of fresh air outside. Kindly assist her first." Utos ni Rosh sa mga tagasunod.

Mabilis akong binihisan ng mga tagasunod habang naghihintay si Rosh sa labas ng silid, agad niyang inalok ang braso niya sa akin na siyang tinanggap ko at sabay na kaming lumabas sa palasyo.

Buong akala ko ay sasamahan ako ni Rosh hanggang sa paglabas nang makita ko ang nakatalikod na si Tobias na nakasalikop ang mga kamay sa kanyang likuran, at nang sandaling lumingon siya sa amin ay agad tumama ang mga mata niya sa kamay kong nakaangkla kay Rosh na agad kong tinanggal.

"Shall we?"

Tumango ako.

Unlike Rosh who offered his arm, Tobias kept his clasped hands behind his back. He maintained our distance as we walked together.

"You can walk."

"Y-your priestesses are good, akala ko ay hindi na ako makalalakad pa. Thank you."

He nodded. "It's been three weeks and I still can't remember anything. Are you still—" tumigil sa paglalakad si Tobias.

"I am a man of my word, Kezalli. J-just please . . . stop reminding me. If you can't help it, I can ask Rosh to walk with you."

"A-are you really in love with me? I don't understand. What's there to love about me?"

He gasped, and he looked closely at me. For the first time, I've seen him closer— longer. His green eyes looked dimmer, stubbles were growing on his face, dark circles, and felt like he lost weight.

He frustratingly brushed his hands through his hair. "I love you! And it hurts that as time goes on, I am starting to realize that you've made this to yourself— that the love I felt from you was forced . . . it kills me that you look at me with those eyes filled with fear, you were trembling beneath my touch . . . and I can't do anything. I can't let go yet, love . . . please."