My dear baby,

 Your father is so much better at taking difficult decisions and coping with them, I envy him for that. Bringing you into this world had been my dream since I was a little girl, but when I saw signs of your presence it was difficult for me to accept it. I had timed it wrong, I needed to wait for a few more years to usher you in. We made a mistake and you decided to visit us, and I realised that we were ill-prepared to receive you. In this material world all things await a scheduled time, there is no scope for disorder. Trust me, if I had the means to I would have ensured a secure passage for you and proudly announced you as my first born.  I do not believe in divine retribution, that I will be judged for rejecting you after I die, for me there is no afterlife or heaven and hell. 

But I do have a conscience and that is enough to remind me that I could have dealt with our situation better, perhaps I should have been more careful to prevent conception. What is done cannot be reversed, I have to harbour this bitter truth for as long as I live. You never had a chance to express yourself.  I have no way to tell if you were a boy or a girl, what you looked like or how you felt about what happened. All I know is I feel remorse when I should have felt relieved that the procedure went off well. It is difficult to bear the burden of guilt for one's blunders. I am already experiencing this and it will be kinder for us to let it go. 

If there is such a thing as rebirth I would be happy to welcome you back after Dad and I are married and he is ready to start a family. I would look forward to feel you growing inside me and to care for you when you are born. We are not bad parents, we just conform to the norms of society too much to avoid conflict, it is called being practical and rational. I think it means we do not have the courage or conviction to live with the consequences of our actions. I hope that we are better prepared to overcome our shortcomings in the future. Till then I will just pretend to put you off to sleep and sing you a lullaby from a land far away, in a language that I barely understand myself. And I sincerely hope that you have the grace to forgive me for the wrong I did unto you.

Your unfortunate mother

https://youtu.be/nfJydWtnqDA

Nanna's lullaby- English translation for Nanina uspavanka       Serbian Artist - Bilja Krstić

Nunaj nina nena Nunaj nina nena oj (No meaning, this humming is done to calm the baby)

Fall asleep, Fall asleep my little child, Fall asleep mommy's precious one, May the red roses grow, May the grandma made of honey grow

Randhir could hardly believe what he was looking at. It had been over three weeks since he had taken Aman and Sanyukta out for a meal. She had gone back to her routine, her internship had just a few weeks left. She had healed physically and even had a normal period after the abortion. He tried to come over whenever he had the opportunity to. She was always busy with work or managing the house. She even managed to rejuvenate the Night Jasmine though it had no flowers any more, but she hoped that this was a temporary setback. In her spare time she worked on her internship report and presentation. This evening as Randhir came home unexpectedly he found her missing. He had forgotten to check his messages and found she had texted him that she would be singing at a concert that evening, on a special request made by her guru as another artiste had called in sick at the last minute. She had requested him to pick her up after the concert.

Feeling hungry he rummaged through the fridge and found himself something to eat. As he warmed up the meal in the microwave oven he made himself a cup of coffee. He had a very demanding day and had skipped lunch. The warm food and coffee did wonders to revive him from his fatigue. His eyes fell on her laptop, he noticed that she had forgotten to shut it down. The screen showed both the text document and the presentation she was working on, he saved both and closed the folder. She was highly organised and normally kept her desktop clutter-free. As he was about to shut down he noticed a document titled 'Note to Baby'. Although his curiosity was piqued he knew he was intruding, this was her space and he had no business meddling. He kept staring at the screen, all other folders or documents were familiar to him, there were so few. 

Ultimately he could resist no longer and he opened the document and there was a letter staring him in the face. It opened with the picture of a crying baby, as if Sanyukta needed to voice her feelings to the personification of the life that she no longer secured within her. He read the contents with astonishment, the thoughts that she had kept hidden from him had been poured out in it. He knew it was normal for her to experience some grief and guilt for what had passed but the note gave him an insight into her head. She had recorded a song in her own voice at the end of the note, and he remembered seeing it used in a movie titled 'Saviour'. In the movie the song was sung by a desperate mother to hush her hidden child to prevent alerting hostile soldiers to its presence. In the disturbing scene that followed the mother continued to sing the lullaby in a bid to save the child, until she was herself hacked down with a sledgehammer. Randhir was struck by the irony of fate, Sanyukta chose to dedicate the same song to the child they had both let go willfully. 

He could not remember when was the last time he had felt moved to tears, but today he could not hold them back. In her letter Sanyukta had appealed to the baby to forgive her as if she believed that she was singularly responsible. He was equally accountable, but he had not felt as guilty because he was brought up to be logical, not emotional. After a few minutes he composed himself, shut down her laptop and splashed some cold water on his face. He stepped out of the apartment, drove to the concert venue, and unlike on other evenings when he awaited her in the car he went into the auditorium and stood in the wings, listening to her sing. The concert was coming to a close and she was singing the famous bhairavi thumri Babul Mora Naihar Chutto Hi Jaaye by Wajid Ali Shah. The words were meant to express the pain and agony of forced exile from the poet's hometown Lucknow but Randhir sensed that the emotions Yasmeen was voicing stemmed from a completely different sorrow. He saw that her veil was back. He guessed it was not merely because she was singing as Yasmeen, but because it offered her asylum, an escape from her inner turmoil.

As they drove away from the theatre she noticed that instead of heading homeward he turned toward the cafe where he had first taken her out when she was still Yasmeen. As they waited for the snacks and coffee to be served he held her hands in his own and looked deeply in her eyes. " After you finish your internship you are joining me in New York." His announcement took her by surprise. "I have another year of college left Randhir, in case you have forgotten." She reminded him gently. "I did not suggest you drop out of college, but you have an eight week break before your term starts. You are coming with me to set up our apartment, so you can fit right back in a year later when you move in with me." He explained. 

"But what about the visa, it is not easy Randhir." She was right, getting into the US was tricky unless you were a tourist, a bonafide student or on a business or work visa. She had no family there to pay a social visit. "I spoke to my grandfather, he told me he has been guiding you through your hotel job in New York. He said he can manage to set you up for a summer internship in their property in New York. Sorry you have to forfeit your holiday, but we'll have two months together before you return. What do you say?" He knew she had no reason to decline. "Nobin da asked me not to tell you about it, and he has spilled the beans to you!" She whined. "Hey, blood is thicker than water. Don't worry, Mom won't find out, she will be in South East Asia on a business trip. Just say yes, I need you by my side!" He knew what was worrying her. She thought for a few minutes and returned a genuine smile. Her mood had changed, the overcast sky was clearing. "New York, here we come!" He smiled to see her eyes shine in excitement. Her happiness mattered more than anything to him.