Title: When the Stars Listen 

Author: SZJAY_o1

Genre: General Fiction 

Number of Chapters: 8

Summary: "As long as history is

being written by the hunters, the lions will never be glorified " 

 ...(Waar) 

 ----- 

 Imagine seeing your younger brother beaten bloody in front of your eyes, and knowing that you can do nothing about it, 

Imagine watching your mother going insane day by day, drifting to where no one can reach her,

Imagine not knowing where your father is, in which condition he is, or even if he's alive, 

 And imagine, falling for a girl that can never love you back... 

 -----

This is a tale... 

 About the devastations of War and Love, 

 And the wisdom in all planed by the Stars above, 

And the evil in Truths, and the melody in the Lies, 

And the journey of one from the Lows to the Highs... 

 -----

REVIEW

Cover:

[Note: I'm no graphic artist, so this is based on my personal preference and taste only.]

Meh. It's alright. You have a nice double exposure of a starry night on a boy's face, which makes sense considering that the title of your story is "When the Stars Listen." I'm a little iffy on the differing fonts and colours, but it works alright with the plain white background. The only serious problem I see with your cover is that your author name has been partially cut off, and so has the purple sticker. I would suggest that you try and get a cover with the correct dimensions ASAP. 

Overall, it's okay. 

Summary:

If I had to describe your summary in one word, it would be messy. There are way too many line breaks and spaces - it looks like you've seriously abused the 'enter' key, my friend. Let's start at the very beginning (a very good place to start):

- Your quote: Now, I'm not against quotes being placed at the beginning of a summary. In fact, if done well, they really add a lot to your blurb and can be very aesthetically pleasing. However, your quote is neither. Firstly, you have really weird formatting. I'm not sure if that happened on purpose or not, but it's extremely off-putting. Secondly, there isn't even a full stop at the end of the sentence. Once again, I'm not sure if that's intentional or not, but again, it's really bothering me. Thirdly, after some quick research, I discovered that "Waar" is the name of a war movie where I presume you found the quote, but I ran a quick google search and apparently it's an "ancient African proverb". I'm guessing that the quote didn't actually originate from the movie. I would suggest you change that.

- Second Section: After the quote, there's a line break, and then we're put into the shoes of the protagonist, who appears to have an quite a rough life. That's fine and all, but are all the sentences separated? And why are there commas at the end of each sentence? Use full stops!.

- Third Section: Now, I'm assuming this last chunk is, in a way, your summary's "epilogue". It's certainly quite poetic and I applaud you for that, but once again, please consider joining some of your sentences together. When you look at the summary as a whole, it really looked quite messy.

Prologue:

First Impression: Nice quote. I'm guessing "stars" are going to be a reoccurring theme. 

Second Impression: This is interesting. I'm intrigued.

Because your prologue was quite short, so would this critique. I like how you opened with the main character's (whose name I still don't know) monologue about his life, which I'm guessing is in Syria. Forgive me if this was basic information - I skipped the chapters "Before You Start" and "Mother of Three". I liked the comparisons you made between Aunna's world and his, and how Aunna was actually a fragment of his imagination. I didn't spot any technical errors, so good on you! The only thing I would recommend changing is that you have a huge paragraph which I suggest you split. Big paragraphs can be a turn-off to potential readers, especially in the Prologue.

Overall - interesting. I like it. 

01: In the Heart of Devastation: 

First Impression: Rayan. So that's his name.

Second Impression: That was intense. 

This chapter moved quite fast, and a lot happened, but you executed it in a way that was realistic and smooth. You maintained a consistent flow throughout this chapter, even when you skipped from one scene to another, which is good. However, I didn't quite enjoy all the transitions you had - there had been four, which seems as if you're trying to squeeze as much action as possible into one chapter. Don't be afraid to go slow - too many things happening at once can overwhelm the reader. 

As for the characters, I've gotten a pretty good background of Rayan and his relationship with his family as well as Aunna. You left the chapter at a cliffhanger, and I'm curious to see what would happen to Zain. You did a good job of really delving into the violent everyday life of Rayan, which we don't see in many Wattpad stories. 

On the technical side, I spotted several misplaced/missing commas and some words were missing a capital letter. It's very minor, but I would suggest you go back and edit some point in the future.

Overall - nice job! This is pretty good so far. 

02: Unattainable Love: 

First Impression: Don't do graffiti, kids. 

Second Impression: I have a feeling this Layya would play a big role in the story later on...

First things first - I read your note about the long chapters at the end of the chapter, and that's fine, but please try and shorten your paragraphs. I'm reading on my computer and even I'm starting to feel overwhelmed. I can't imagine how those who are reading on their mobile are doing it. Most people who see a huge paragraph balk and tend to skip the paragraph entirely. So, please shorten them.

You had fewer transitions this time around, but I still felt like there was a lot of action going on, and I could barely keep up. First, we have Zain recovering from his beating from the guard, then we understand why he got beaten up in the first place, then we cut to Rayan receiving the letter that he was one of the contributes and was about to leave the family. That's fine, but that information seemed to have been shoved onto the reader far too quickly. Why don't you wait until the next chapter to tell us that, and instead hint at it through Rayan's actions or thoughts? On a more positive note, I liked the section about Layya and Zain's infatuation with her. It really showed a softer side of "tough Zain" and a more parental side of Rayan. 

Technically, I once again spotted some small mistakes such as misplaced/missing commas and full stops. Like I said before, they're not too major, so I wouldn't worry too much.  

03: Memories and Dreams: 

First Impression: We have some Aunna action...interesting.

Second Impression: No, poor Rayan D: 

Argh, it's the third chapter and you're already messing up my emotions. That's a good thing but please don't shatter my heart in the future, please.

I honestly don't have much to say about this chapter. In my opinion, it was your most moving and deepest to date, and I loved the story of Majic and Aunna. It really gave the reader a closer look into what, so far, has been a rather obscure part of the story. The part about the bombs broke my heart, and I could almost see everything happening around me - the shaking, the rumbling, his Mother's artwork shattering into a thousand pieces...Plus, I didn't spot any mistakes, although I did think that you used too many transitions once again. 

This chapter was so good. I loved it. 

04: For You, My Everything: 

First Impression: I like how you started this chapter from where you left off before. Nice job!

Second Impression: I'm renaming the train to the Feels Train, which stopped at Feels Station and is now taking me to the land of Feels. Why have you got to do this? My emotions are all messed up now. 

I don't usually start off a critique with something negative, but since I'm probably going to rant and rave about how emotional this chapter made me feel, I thought that it would be best to get it out of the way. I noticed that this chapter contained several spelling mistakes, punctuation errors and was occasionally formatted weirdly, but that may be because of my computer. I would suggest fixing those. 

Now, moving on - the past two chapters have be a neverending rollercoaster of feels. I had a feeling that Rayan was going to leave soon because of the letter that you mentioned in previous chapters, but I never expected for it to happen so soon. When he was saying goodbye to Mehak I nearly teared up and was this close to crying. To provoke such emotions in readers is a difficult skill, but one you have mastered, so I salute you. 

The part about the poem confused me, but I think that was intentional and now I'm curious. Is there a secret spy or something? I guess I'll have to read on...

05: Her Devil: 

First Impression: Oh, this is from Zain's point of view. Interesting.

Second Impression: Poor Zain :( This is so sad.

You honestly have such a talent for bringing out the emotions from your readers and getting them engrossed in your story. The way you described Layya and added that small flashback about her time with Zain was beautifully executed. I also liked how you ended this chapter with Zain's harshness towards Mehak - it does wonders for his character development and really shows me the affect that Rayan had on the family. 

However, I'm slightly worried that you're adding too much drama too quickly. This story has gone by exceptionally fast, and a lot of things have happened. There was Aunna, the bombing, Rayan receiving the letter and then leaving, the mysterious poem, and now Zain's crush on Layya. All these events would be realistic if they didn't happen so soon. It's like there's one big gasp moment in every chapter. My advice to you would be to slow down. Focus more on character, especially for minor ones, rather than events/action. 

06: The Shores of Death:

First Impression: This is going to be about a battle, isn't it? Even the title sounds ominous.

Second Impression: WAIT WHAT

That was a...dramatic cliffhanger.

Okay. Let's start at the beginning. It was nice to see that POV be switched back to Rayan once again, and I adored how you introduced new characters. My favourite, personally, is Suleman. You had a lot of nice description, although I will suggest once more that you try and shorten your paragraphs - the first in particular was quite big and chunky. The transition from the train to the barracks was smooth and well done. The fight between the boys was a little sudden, but it was well written and had me on the edge of my seat. 

However - and this ties to my point in chapter five - you have a tendency to create drama every chapter. For this one, it was for the last five cadets (including Rayan) to prove their loyalty and kill five prisoners. Now, I haven't done any research into the Armistice or anything, but the whole thing struck me as quite sudden and frankly, unrealistic. Even if killing prisoners were a thing, why would they choose the cadets to do so? And why the last five? What are the odds of Rayan being one of the last five? 

07: What Man Is Capable Of:

First Impression: Wait, so it was a dream? If so please ignore the entire chunk above ^^ 

Second Impression: So...was it a dream or not? I'm so confused.

If I was asked to sum up this chapter in two words, they would be intense and confusing. Why? Once again, you had a lot of action, although I did appreciate how you didn't immediately introduce another threat or event and rather expanded on what happened in the last chapter. To be honest, that's kind of expected considering your cliffhanger, but still. You did a fantastic job of describing Cadmen began killing the prisoners one by one, how Rayan stood up for Pet, and Pet's appearance - some of it was hard to stomach, was brutally truthful. It was pretty intense, especially when Cadmen asked Rayan to "take [Pet's] place", but you did have me on the edge of my seat. 

I was confused mainly about the introduction. It stated that the events in the previous chapter was all a dream, but then you transitioned into what I initially thought was a flashback of the dream, which then turned out to be a flashback of reality. This left me really confused - was it a dream? Was it not a dream? Did Rayan think it was a dream? I would suggest you clarify that. 

And that concludes my chapter-by-chapter critique! Moving onto characters (these will be quite short because I've already talked a lot about them in the critiques above ^^)

Characters:

[You have a lot of characters, so I'm only going to comment on the main ones]

➵ Rayan: The main character. From what I can gather so far, he's a pretty good guy - he loves his family and does his best to care for them, often acts as a peacemaker when things heat up, and has a good set of morals. He also tended to think about a character named Aunna a lot in the first few chapters. I'm still slightly confused on that aspect. 

Overall: Good guy. I wouldn't mind him as a brother. 

➵ Zain: Rayan's brother, who has a crush on a rich girl (also the Mayor's daughter) named Layya. He's a bit of a troublemaker and gets beaten up pretty bad twice by guards in the book, but he seems like a genuinely nice and caring guy inside. I like him, but his personality is starting to lean into cliché territory, so keep an eye out for that.  

Overall: A bad boy with a good heart. 

➵ Mehak: Rayan's younger sister. I don't know too much about her yet, because there hasn't been much focus on her character, but she seems like a sweet person who loves her family dearly. 

Overall: A total sweetheart. 

➵ Mahad: Like Mehak, I don't know much about him, but he's a friend of Zain, and also the one who asked Rayan to deliver the mysterious "rose" note to his brother, Saleh. He seems to share similar characteristics to Zain as well. 

Overall: Okay. Not much to comment on.

Nicki's Overall Rating (1-10): 8.5

Why?: Your book manages to take ideas that could've easily been cliché and turns them into a masterpiece of creativity. It's breathtakingly truthful and honest, and shows us a little bit of the world that is rarely seen or heard about. I also found your characters are diverse and unique. If you touched up on a few issues, such as large chunks of paragraphs, technical errors, and excessive drama, your book would be perfection.

~

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