Title: Felicity

Author: hanuman1702

Genre: Adventure

Number of Chapters: 10

Summary: When four, perfectly ordinary children are picked up by a mysterious woman to go to Felicity, they are in for an adventure of a lifetime. Amidst political turmoil and strange creatures, they must learn to face the fears that are gnawing at their chests.

With a blend of Arthurian legend and YA fiction, get whirled into an adventure with the most normal crew ever.

REVIEW

Cover:

[Note: I'm no graphic artist, so this is based on my personal preference and taste only.]

It's good, but it's not great. You have a nice layout with all the basic elements of a cover included, and an appropriately placed sticker. If I saw this while scrolling through Wattpad, it would catch my attention, but it won't blow me away. 

Firstly, your title is visible, but I really, really dislike the swirly things around the letters. They just seem to distract and overwhelm me. Secondly, I can barely read your username - it sort of blends into the background and makes it difficult to see. I do understand why you have a castle on a mountain as your background considering that your whole story revolves around a group of children going to "Felicity". It strikes me as more of a fantasy-type cover than adventure, though, but I'm probably just being nitpicky. 

Summary:

It's short, simple and to the point, but slightly lacking. I get the overall gist of the story, but at the same time, I don't get enough, as I'm left with quite a few questions. Take a look at this sentence, for example: "When four, perfectly ordinary children are picked up by a mysterious woman to go to Felicity, they are in for an adventure of a lifetime."

Where is Felicity? What is Felicity? Is it a city, country, a totally different world? The part about the children and the mysterious children are fine, but I would advise you clarify exactly what Felicity is. 

In your second sentence, you state, "Amidst political turmoil and strange creatures, they must learn to face the fears that are gnawing at their chests." So, what exactly is this fear...? Yet again, you haven't clarified what I'm guessing is going to be an important part of the book. Please do so! You don't want the reader to feel confused before they even began the story.

On the technical side, I didn't spot any errors, which is great, and I like your ending line. 

[Note: I added gifs in this chapter because for some reason I felt like doing so xD]

Chapter 1:

First Impression: I'm going to go out on a limb and say that the oak tree's going to be important? 

Second Impression: There is no way that Charlie is fifteen. 

Okay, so, before I launched into the actual critique, I just want you to know that I adore the name Noela. I don't even know why, it just looks good on my screen and also sounds beautiful when I say it. I'm not sure if I pronouncing it correctly though? I pronounce it Ney-oh-la - is that right?

Moving on - I want to start with my second impression, about Charlie. After I read the entire chapter, I thought to myself that there was no way Charlie is fifteen as you stated in the beginning. Why? Firstly, no sane fifteen-year-old goes along with a random stranger on an adventure, especially not even without any worry or doubt. Sure, he did ask the logical question of, "How do I know you're not kidnapping me?", but that was about the only smart thing he did in the entire chapter. Charlie, if you even had to ask that question, then you shouldn't go!

Secondly, the way he speaks gave me the impression that he was way younger. I actually thought that he was around 7-10 years old. The dialogue was insanely simple and child-like (eg: "Okay, I'll come with you"/"An adventure?"), and sounded like something, I don't know, James from James and the Giant Peach would say. He's a teen! Teens don't speak that way! And this is coming from a teen *flails arms dramatically*

Now, *calms self*, this isn't exactly a problem if you meant for Charlie to sound/act this way. Not all teens are the same and act/speak the same way, I realise that. The real problem with Charlie was that I found it made him, and the story, lack realism, and even in stories were there's magic and mythical creatures, realism is needed. 

On a more positive note, I liked the addition of the drawings in the chapter. I hope that they'll be something reoccurring throughout the book. I also enjoyed your narrating style, like how the narrating appears to "pop up" every now and then with sentences like: "...we are privy to insider knowledge, Emma was Hayden's half-sister..."

Chapter 2:

First Impression: Finally, Charlie has some sense!

Second Impression: How are these kids so calm?

Okay, can I just say that I love Jo? You say that her name was "coincidentally was the name of her favorite literary character of all time", and I immediately began to internally scream, "JO MARCH. LITTLE WOMEN. LOUISA MAY ALCOTT." Am I right?

I love Little Women. 

Sorry, that went off track for a second. Anyways, continuing with the critique - once again, there's really nothing wrong on the technical front, except that I would advise you to italicise Charlie's thoughts so that your readers won't get confused. However, again, I felt like what your story is lacking is realism. Jo, being the oldest at 18 (at least that's what I'm assuming), seems the more logical and level-headed kid in the group, but I'm beginning to think that Neola is putting the four of them under some spell to make them comply. I can accept one kid being an idiot and getting into a car with a total stranger, but four? 

Neola just drove on water, to Thailand. Charlie got freaked out and tried to get out of the CRV - which appears to be the only logical thing anyone has done so far - but Emma and Hayden were just chillin' in the seats. If these four kids are supposed to be "the most normal crew ever", why are they so calm? 

I'm just so confused. 

Chapter 3:

First Impression: I love a little friendly banter! :D

Second Impression: So, Noela isn't the antagonist, then?

This chapter seemed to be slightly better in terms of realism than your previous ones, with Hayden actually asking where he was, and you did a good job of describing Felicity. I'm still not exactly sure where it is, but that's not too much of an issue if you do explain it in the later chapters. I did spot several run-on sentences, though, but they're quite minor so I wouldn't worry too much about that. I was surprised that the tone surrounding Noela's character abruptly changed - before, it almost seemed like she was going to be the villain of this story, but when you showed her confusion and concern regarding the silence in Felicity, I'm not so sure. 

Overall: Better!

Chapter 4:

First Impression: Well that escalated quickly. 

Second Impression: *see attached gif below*

Now this is what I'm talking about! 

This was, undoubtedly, the best chapter I've read so far. For once, your characters seemed realistic, and I loved the sibling banter between Hayden and Emma. I loved how you took a step further in the kids' character development, with Charlie now seeming more goofish and silly (laughing at Rhodri), showing Emma's jealous side (how Jo seemed like a goody-two-shoes), showing Hayden's harsher side (snapping at Charlie), and revealing Jo's tendency to swear. The only character that hasn't really changed is Neola, but hopefully that would come later. Great job! 

Chapter 5:

First Impression: Rhodri kind of reminds me of Simba from The Lion King. 

Second Impression: Neola seems to be a bit of a loose cannon. Is she good? Is she bad? Is she secretly a vegetable? Who knows?

I feel like your later chapters are a large improvement over some of your earlier ones, which is great! I have to tell you that I did heave a sigh of relief when I read Hayden questioning Neola about who she was and what exactly they were doing here - those questions were long overdue, but I'm glad you got to them! I know I stated this before, but you really need to make sure that your story contains an ample amount of realism to be believable. So far, you've been lacking in that area, but I think you're slowly redeeming yourself.

As for Neola, I'm conflicted. First, she seemed to be the antagonist of the story, then she seemed like a hero. This was mainly because she seemed concerned about the state of Felicity, and I wondered if she was sent on a mission to retrieve the four kids for some reason. And now, after she denied Hayden's request for information, I'm feeling suspicious towards her again. 

She's definitely not a Mary Sue character, and very unpredictable. I look forward to seeing more of her.

Chapter 6:

First Impression: Victims? o.o

Second Impression: Oooh, what a twist. 

I'm just going to come right out and say it - I had literally never expected the adventure to be made by the kids, and not Noela. Never. When I read those ending lines, I pretty just sat there, slightly shocked. And it turns out that Noela's a dispatch agent, which kind of explains why her temperament constantly changes, and why she refused to give Hayden any information. I'm honestly pretty impressed. You tied up most of the loose ends in the story so far, but left enough to keep the reader wanting to go on. I'm also quite excited for the new character of Celicia (my fingers keep typing it as Cecelia xD). 

Chapter 7:

First Impression: I'm guessing that they're going to try and solve the King's death, then?

Second Impression: Backstory + character development chapter, but a nice one.

Now, I'm usually not a fan of backstory and/or character development chapters, where literally nothing happens but - you guessed it - backstory and/or character development. I understand that at times, it's needed, but I believe that a good author can integrate character development and backstory into the story's main action. However, although not much happened in this chapter, I found myself enjoying it, to my surprise. I really liked how we got to see deeper into the four main characters, which was good, because some of them (like Jo and Emma) were beginning to feel a little 2D. I enjoyed Emma's snark, Charlie's overreaction, Hayden's attempt to make conversation and Jo's cool-headedness. These actions and quirks are small, but it's the little things that make the overall character great.

Feeling pumped!

Chapter 8:

First Impression: Dear lord, someone please get Emma a bottle of holy water. 

Second Impression: I am hyped to see what becomes of Hayden's plan!

I felt like this was another filler chapter, but since you wrote well and kept me engaged, I have no complaints. It was interesting to hear about the backstory about the King, and to discover the truth (or what Noela thinks, at least) about Rhodri and Celicia's parents. For some reason I found Hayden's "Oh, goody!" kind of laughable, mainly because I'd thought of him as being a serious and brooding kind of guy. I guess everyone's got to unleash their inner kid sometime, huh? Additionally, I'm really loving Emma's unfiltered comments. They make me crack up, and humor is always good in books.

I did spot one tiny mistake where Charlie asks when they would be going home. In your chapter, Noela replies with: "Probably a few days." However, the correct wording would've been "Probably in a few days." 

Here's a gif of a doughnut because now I want one:

Chapter 9:

First Impression: That's right, friends! Plan, plan, plan! You can do it!

Second Impression: So the parents are worried, but they're not calling the police? Why?

This chapter conflicts me emotionally. On one hand, we have the four kids actually working together (sort of) for once without any (major) arguments. However, on the other, you showed us the worry of the kids' parents, and this chapter had a generally serious tone. For example, the puzzle pieces in the beginning as well as the mention of children's hearts, and this is what confuses me. This chapter had a serious tone but also had lighthearted moments, so that leaves the audience wondering if the author intended the chapter to be serious or lighthearted. I would advise you to try to maintain a consistent tone with fitting moments for each chapter.

Also, why are the parents not calling the police, or doing anything, really? If Mrs Mishra thought that Jo had run off to do drugs, shouldn't she be more concerned? And if Mrs Wrine's heart "ached for her lost children", why is she not calling the police?! You even stated that they "freaked out." As I stated earlier, I would let this slide if it were only one pair of parents who felt this way, but not three. 

Chapter 10:

First Impression: I am super impressed by that map. How'd you draw it? 

Second Impression: What's the startling discovery? Arghhhh!

I know I said this already, but I'll say it again - that map is really cool, and I love the fact that you drew it yourself. Great job with that. I feel like it really spruces up your story, and helped me understand the basic layout of Felicity so far. I also feel like "Shut up Emma!" is becoming one of Hayden's catchphrases. I was going to include a gif of someone saying it, but couldn't find an appropriate one. Oh well. 

I did wish you could've given more in-depth descriptions about the chambers. That's one thing that I've noticed throughout your story - your lack of vivid imagery. While you do give basic descriptions, there's not a lot for the audience to go on. I don't even really know what Charlie looks like. I also felt like you used too many ellipses in the sentence where Noela's voice trails off when Celicia walks into the room. Six seems a little too many - three is enough. I am excited to see what Hayden discovers about himself in the next chapter, though. I'll most likely keep on reading this book after this critique, because it does have an interesting premise and storyline. 

And that concludes my chapter-by-chapter critique! Moving onto characters!

Characters:

➵ Charlie Tower: I know that there's four main characters, but I feel like he's the main main character, do you get what I'm saying? He's fifteen but doesn't act like it, is fond of oak trees, has issues about unfairness, and has no experience with girls. I think he also has a slight crush on Emma. There's nothing too special about him besides the fact that he always seems to make the wrong comments at the wrong time and acting brashly. I would suggest you try and develop his character to make him a little more realistic to his age. 

Overall: Needs a bit of work, but okay. 

➵ Emma Wrine: She's a bit of a flirt, very beautiful, and enjoys reality TV shows and luxury items. I feel like she often speaks before she thinks, and seems a little spoilt. She seems to have a healthy relationship with her half-brother Hayden, but I'm worried about her playing with poor Charlie's feelings. Hopefully she won't break his heart.

Overall: A wealthy temptress.

➵ Hayden Wrine: He's eighteen, so I think he and Jo are the two eldest ones in the story. He seems to have two distinctly different moods - one is serious and thoughtful, and the other playful and carefree. He likes school and cares about his education, but dislikes leadership and the responsibility that comes with it. I like him - he's unique.

Overall: Cool dude. 

➵ Jyoti "Jo" Mishra: She's by far the most mature and cool-headed member of the quartet. She loves reading and books - I think her favorite character is Jo March from Little Women - as well as riding horses. She seems quite smart, but she hasn't been the focus of many chapters as of yet. Hopefully we'll see more of her later. 

Overall: A wise bibliophile. 

➵ Noela: She's the dispatch agent, and the woman who picked up all the kids to take them to Felicity. She seems to have some slight tension with Celicia, but that may be just me. I also feel that, like Hayden, she's a little temperamental, but that makes her all the more interesting. Plus, I adore her name.

Overall: Interesting dispatch agent, don't know much about her past yet. 

➵ Rhodri: The nine-year-old crown Prince (King?) of Felicity, and the half-sibling of Celicia. I think he's pretty cute and he also seems smitten with Emma, but that's about all that I know about him as a person. 

Overall: Cute kid :3

➵ Celicia: The twenty-one year old bastard princess (kind of) of Felicity, who enjoys drinking wine at the dinner table and seems excited about her castle duties. I kind of like her, but kind of don't at the same time. She seems a little snobby at times, and also appears to have had something going on in the past with Noela. 

Overall: Meh, okay. 

Nicki's Overall Rating (1-10): 8

Why?: Your story started off a little rocky, but gradually grew better and better. I really enjoyed the premise of this story, and I like how the characters are slowly developing. You need a little work with realism in this story - particularly with Charlie - but on the technical side there's practically no mistakes. Good job!

~

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