HOMIN

Title

Remember My Love

Length

4090+

Pairing(s)

Yunho/Changmin

Genre

Romance, Drama

Warning(s)

Angsty!fic is angsty D:

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Changmin can vaguely remember how it begins, but he knows for sure this is not how he wants it to end.

Walking down the street, hand in hand after a perfectly happy shopping trip, pretty much satisfied with their purchases. They reach a crossing, and Yunho remembers that Jaejoong had practically begged him to buy him that pair of leather boots for months now, and Yunho's not one to refuse his best friend.

Changmin chooses this time to be the jealous boyfriend. Jealous, irrational, blinded-by-love boyfriend. He chooses to dump his shopping bags at his feet and glare at Yunho.

False accusations are thrown in Yunho's direction, claims that he's never does special things for Changmin, even though Changmin knows in his heart anything and everything Yunho does for him is special. More about how Yunho always favors Jaejoong and does nice things for him, forgetting in that forty-two second rant that Yunho always favors him over everyone else, and always does nice things for him.

Yunho figures he should just try and calm Changmin down, and find a rational footing and reason it out. After all, the quiet intelligence that most people see in Changmin's eyes is actually there, and the problem (that's really a non-problem, really) can be solved in no time.

Only, Yunho's brain decides to have a mind of its own (or rather, choose to function without Yunho's approval), and proceeds to make him shout back at Changmin, saying that Changmin never appreciates him enough. Ever.

Changmin shoves at him to go away, leave me alone, I hate you. Yunho does, dumping the bags in his hand along with those lying on the ground, and stalks off in a huff in the direction of the road.

The anger makes him blind to his surroundings, and Yunho doesn't realize that he's practically jaywalking as the traffic lights are turning red, and Changmin swears later at the douche of a driver who was trying to beat the light, as he watches in horror the way Yunho's body just tumbles over the car and lands on the ground with a sickening thud.

The screams in his throat dies when he feels the back of Yunho's head and finds his hand soaked in blood, and small, weak whimpers escape his throat as he looks through teary eyes and wills for Yunho to wake up.

There are people pulling him away and into an ambulance, but all he sees is Yunho's body tumbling and falling tumbling and falling, over and over again.

Yunho's in and out of surgery quickly, and by the time Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu arrive, Changmin's already curled up in a chair next to Yunho's bed, clutching Yunho's hand in a death grip, whispering I'm sorry Yunho, please wake up, please, please. They don't ask what happened, and only offer Changmin the comfort they can afford in the form of hugs.

The nurse contemplates telling him to go home, but doesn't, not after seeing the endless stream of tears that roll down his cheeks.

He refuses to eat, only taking the occasional drink when his throat becomes to dry and raspy he can't stop coughing. The trio visit during visiting hours, and promptly get chased out on the dot. There's nothing much they can do to get Changmin to snap out of it and eat something, despite the near-beggings and half-hearted threats. Even his favorites that Jaejoong cooks don't do anything for Changmin.

Yunho-yah, I'm sorry. I don't hate you. I love you so, so much, please, just wake up and be okay again.

Changmin prays to every god he can think of. The gods like him enough, apparently.

Or not.

Yunho wakes up conveniently during visiting hours after almost a week of unconsciousness, and a couple of nurses as well as Changmin have to keep Jaejoong back from glomping him and bawling and breaking his head again. Yunho smiles brightly at Jaejoong, even chuckles when Yoochun starts bawling like a baby into Junsu's shoulder in relief.

But to Changmin's relieved, tearful but happy expression, when Changmin's just bursting to say he's sorry over and over again, Yunho just gives him a puzzled look. And then Yunho smiles a strange, polite smile, and Changmin's heart breaks.

Hi. What's your name? Do I know you?

Changmin drops Yunho's hand, the one he's been holding, and leaves the room. He hears Jaejoong's screams at the doctor, why doesn't he remember Changmin, why why why! Make him remember Changmin again! It's a ridiculous demand, Changmin knows. The rational, intelligent, realistic being in him knows, and he curses inwardly, why couldn't you appear when we were arguing, why why why.

The doctor has the simplest of answers.

'He was probably greatly upset before the accident and Changmin might have been involved, resulting in post-traumatic amnesia. Whether he will remember Changmin after a while, varies with individuals. That's all I have to say.'

In a rare display of anger, Junsu's gripping the doctor's coat lapels and shaking the poor man like a rag doll, angry tears rolling down his cheek.

'But why would he forget Changmin! Why Changmin! He loves Changmin more than anything!'

'Maybe you should be asking Changmin that question.'

Yunho returns home after another week, and all the time in the last week at the hospital, Changmin avoids him like a plague, choosing to return home alone and curl up in their bed, hugging Yunho's pillow to his chest. He's gotten used to the hunger, always turning his back on Jaejoong when the eldest tries to coax him out of the room for a bite.

Yoochun tries to comfort him with hugs when they return home, and simple updates that Yunho-hyung's recovering really fast, he'll be home in no time. Changmin cries more into his pillow, watching words like 'it's your fault, your own damn fault' flash at him behind closed eyes.

Junsu tries to press the issue, tries to ask Changmin what happened between him and Yunho, but stops short every time Changmin looks at him with teary eyes he feels his own heart break for the youngest.

No one deserves this kind of pain, he thinks.

Changmin takes to sleeping on the couch at night, even though in the day he goes to hide in the room he and Junsu shared long before he more or less permanently slept in Yunho's room.

Changmin leaves Yunho very intrigued.

Yunho's his same, happy, cheerful self once he's at home, mostly talking and laughing with Jaejoong, since Jaejoong is his best friend. He doesn't pretend to notice the laughter leave Jaejoong's eyes each time he asks about that boy who locks himself in the room all day. Jaejoong just gives a pained look, and Yunho doesn't press further.

He doesn't think to ask Yoochun or Junsu either, especially the way they pale when he almost has Changmin's name out of his mouth. Almost. He usually catches himself just in time.

Changmin supposes it's payback for being an irrational, jealous idiot in the spur of the moment. When he does come face to face with Yunho (at times of the day when he needs to use the bathroom eventually), the cheerful, polite smile Yunho flashes him (those that are meant for strangers) every time breaks his heart even more.

Junsu estimates that Changmin loses about five pounds in a week, and that fact worries him enough to tell Jaejoong, as if the eldest isn't already aware of it. Jaejoong figures that his idea is as bad as any that will end up in a book titled 'The World's Worst Ideas Ever. Seriously.' but he gives it a shot anyway. He shoos Yunho in the direction of Changmin's room during lunch time, squeezes his eyes shut and crosses his fingers and toes while muttering a prayer.

Yunho peeks in on Changmin, who's curled up in bed with a blanket pulled over. He squats beside the bed and looks at Changmin, who startles a little when he finds himself face to face with Yunho. He cringes inwardly at the way Yunho smiles at him, wishing the smile was meant for him the way it should have been.

'Hey, you should eat something. I bet you're hungry,' Yunho smiles, poking Changmin's cheek cutely in a way that makes Changmin cry, because it's so much like the old Yunho. So much like the Yunho he loves, the Yunho who loves him back. He wishes fleetingly for his heart to just stop, because it's so, so painful.

Yunho's immediately apologetic, brushing away Changmin's tears in a way too familiar too Changmin, the same way Yunho does every time he cries. Smoothing the pads of his thumbs over his face, always with a little squeeze of Changmin's cheeks.

Changmin pulls away from Yunho, sitting up suddenly and hastily wiping away his own tears, swatting Yunho's hands away and forcing a small smile.

Yunho frowns.

'Are you okay? Is there… anything about us that I'm not remembering? I would ask the other three about it, but they always look so sad every time I mention it I don't want to force it.'

Changmin forces another smile, practically a wide grin that his molars are showing, and shakes his head a little too quickly.

'No, no. You're overthinking. There's nothing about us. Come on, let's eat. You must be hungry.'

Anything to not have to face Yunho like that. Guilt spreading through him like a slow poison. Anything to avoid having to talk about it. Changmin gets off the bed and goes to the kitchen, leaving Yunho even more confused and slightly hurt.

Yunho feels a slight pang in his chest from Changmin's words, and he suddenly doubts that Changmin really means it when he said there's nothing about us.

Changmin eats two mouthfuls of dinner, and retreats to the bathroom, throwing up whatever he swallowed with a mix of acid and bile. He doesn't need to admit it to anybody, because it's so glaringly obvious to everyone that he misses his Yunho and just wants him back. What sickens him even more is that Yunho is still Yunho, still the same, cheerful smiley Yunho who's still ever so insufferably nice to him, despite what he had accused those weeks ago.

Changmin does a lot of reading. Books, online articles, anything. He reads about how, very often, people with amnesia regain their memory through some form of shock, or a very very hard knock on the head, or a traumatic experience that somehow just forces them to remember.

He figures (more like, hopes against all hopes) that this might work to bring Yunho's memory back. He understands the risk, but it can be a calculated risk if he just plans it right. Genius, that's what he is anyway. A pretty dumb genius, that.

And so he plans. Yunho should (must) get his memory back after a month (or never).

Yunho's not sure what's gotten into Changmin, but he's half glad that the boy's decided to start eating properly again. The other half of him is slightly puzzled at Changmin's sudden enthusiasm in life again, especially when Changmin goes out of his way to talk to Yunho and be particularly nice. Jaechunsu merely shrugs when he brings this up with them one morning after about three weeks of being around Mr-Nice-Guy-Changmin.

'He's probably gotten over what ever he was trying to get over and now things are normal for him again,' Jaejoong says, yawning into his bowl of cereal.

'Sort of, except that Yunho-hyung still doesn't rem-' Yoochun says, head resting against Junsu's shoulder until Junsu claps a hand over his mouth.

Junsu doesn't let go off Yoochun's mouth, even though he's swatting at Junsu's face, trying very hard to breathe. Yunho quirks his head to a side at Yoochun's half statement.

'Don't worry, Yunho-hyung. If Changmin's eating again, it's the best sign you can hope for that everything's okay,' Junsu says, finally releasing his grip on Yoochun and ignores the pout that Yoochun gives him.

Yunho quirks an eyebrow up, but says nothing more, looking back at the strawberries bobbing together with the soggy cereal in milk, the breakfast Changmin had prepared for him before taking a walk out.

Yunho walks into Changmin's room one night while Changmin sits at his desk, reading a book. He notes that everyone's bed is the same kind - single bed - except his. He shelves the question about beds and decides to stoop behind Changmin and rest his chin on Changmin's shoulder.

'What's that about?'

Changmin tries not to flinch when he can feel the familiarity of the way Yunho just does that and gives a noncommittal answer.

'Romance.'

'Really? I never pegged you to be the romantic kind.'

Changmin closes his book gently and shuts his eyes, willing the tears threatening to force their way between his eyelids back. Yunho doesn't remember now, Yunho will remember soon. He turns around to face Yunho and opens his eyes, smiling gently at the curious expression on Yunho's face.

'Hyung, it's exactly why I need to read it.'

Changmin plops himself down on his bed, while Yunho joins him, the bed bouncing a little.

'Changmin-ah, is there anything wrong?'

Changmin stares at his hyung a little wide-eyed. Everything about Yunho is still the same, the way he just instinctively knows there's something wrong with Changmin, even though the others think everything's perfectly fine.

Yunho continues, scratching his head with a small frown.

'I don't know, but the other three tell me everything's alright with you, but it just feels like something is wrong. Can you tell me? What am I supposed to remember about you, us?'

'Hyung, it's… it's nothing. I was just disappointed that you couldn't remember that you were always my favorite hyung, that's all,' Changmin's lying through his teeth, and he knows that Yunho knows when Yunho runs a hand through Changmin's hair. Changmin closes his eyes again. So, so familiar.

'Changmin-ah, tell me what happened that day,' hand still sifting through Changmin's hair. He can't explain why, but it just seemed naturally to touch Changmin like that, seemed like the right thing to do. There's a strange sense of familiarity to doing it, and his heart beats a little faster every time he does.

Changmin eases his hands off his lap, placing them on Yunho's shoulders. He leans forward and closes the space between them, gently pressing his lips against Yunho's. He feels Yunho gasp against him, yet he doesn't pull away.

This feels right, why does this feel so right.

Changmin pulls away, a light blush creeping up his cheeks, his hands falling back to his lap and fiddling with the hem of his shirt. He forces a smile at Yunho, who has the cutest frown and worried face even though his eyes speak more than that.

'Hyung, let's go shopping tomorrow. It's late, I'll tell you everything tomorrow, okay?'

Yunho nods slowly, getting off Changmin's bed and ruffling Changmin's hair for good measure. He gives a fleeting smile and doesn't miss the single tear that rolls down Changmin's cheek.

Tomorrow, he thinks as he gently shuts the door to Changmin's room.

Changmin remains still for a long time, only crawling into bed a good half an hour later. Tomorrow. He only hopes tomorrow won't be the day his hyungs hate him for replaying the past. Sleep finds him quickly, and he dreams of falling and tumbling, falling and tumbling, again and again.

Changmin replays the entire outing from the moment they reach the mall, walking into the same shops, trying on the same clothes, marveling at how Yunho makes the same remarks about them he did a little more than a month ago. They purchase the same items, and at the end of the day, they're about as happy with their purchases as they were before, except that Changmin has a heavy weight on his heart and Yunho has been having the greatest sense of déjà vu for most of the day already. He's still waiting patiently for Changmin to just tell him, somehow knowing that waiting is just better than prying where Changmin is concerned.

They're walking along the same street, when Changmin laces their hands together, and smiles at Yunho.

'Hyung, this is what we were doing that day. We went shopping, all the shops we went today were the same ones we went to. Even the things we bought are the same, the things you said today about the clothes were all the same.'

'We were holding hands like this too?' Yunho asks, giving Changmin's hand a little squeeze. He doesn't mind it. Changmin's hand felt warm, a warmth that was spreading to his heart, and it seemed to fit perfectly.

'Yeah, we were,' Changmin whispers softly. He takes a deep breath, and continues. They had reached the crossing. He starts talking really fast that Yunho strains to keep up.

'We were here, and then you remembered Jaejoong-hyung's boots, the pair that he's been wanting. I don't know what got into me that day, but I got jealous, and I dumped my bags like this,' dumping his bags on the ground, 'and I got angry at you. Oh Yunho, I was so stupid, I said you never did anything special for me, even though anything you ever did for me was always special, Yunho, always so special. I accused you of always being nice to Jaejoong-hyung, always doing him favors, but Yunho-yah, you were always nice to me, always favoring me over the other three that they always roll their eyes at you and me but they don't really mind.'

Changmin's crying by then, tears streaming endlessly as he replays the memory. Yunho reaches out to brush away tears with his free hand, but Changmin shrugs him off, sucks in a deep breath and continues.

'And then you said that I never appreciate you enough, ever. And Yunho, you were right, I never did tell you enough that I love you, I love you Yunho. And I was so stupid,' Changmin laughs dryly, 'I actually told you to go away, and leave me alone. I told you I hated you.'

Yunho merely watches Changmin, the way Changmin's beauty is marred by eyes lined in red and tracks forming endlessly on his cheeks. The ache in his chest is so inexplicable, and his head is starting to pound. Changmin had loved him. Changmin loves him. Was that it? Was that what was making Changmin so sad? He opens his mouth to ask, but shuts it when Changmin grabs his hands, forcibly loosening his grip on the shopping bags, and they fall to the floor with a small thud.

'You dropped all the bags, Yunho, you dropped all of them and walked out onto the street. You were so angry at me you walked towards the road, and then you got hit by a car.'

'Changmin-ah… '

'You got hit by a car and you really left me. I told you to go away and you really left me. I said I hated you and even though I didn't mean it you didn't love me anymore after that. But the story changes today, Yunho-yah.'

'Wha-what? Changmin-ah, what are-'

'The story changes now, Yunho. I just want you to remember everything again, I really do, Yunho-yah.'

Changmin swipes away at his tears, and pulls Yunho towards him, faces only inches apart and breaths mingling.

'I love you, Yunho-yah. Please come back.' Changmin whispers against Yunho's mouth. He kisses Yunho long and hard and needy, begging Yunho to just remember, please just remember.

He pulls away and releases Yunho, and starts walking backwards, towards the road. The blare of the oncoming traffic doesn't deter him, and he maintains his gaze on Yunho, who only realizes in horror after a long five seconds.

By the time Yunho does react, Changmin's body is flying a good five feet forward. There are screeching tires and shouts of surprise, but none of that compare to the massive pounding in his head and the way his heart is beating quadruple time to match the pace in his head. It hurts so bad it forces him to his knees, and he squeezes his eyes shut, features scrunching together because it hurts, it hurts so bad.

And then it all comes back to him.

By the time he's at Changmin's side there's blood everywhere, and Changmin's coughing more up, struggling to breathe.

Yunho pulls Changmin into his lap, blood all over his shirt and hands but he doesn't care. He hears someone calling for an ambulance, and smoothes back Changmin's hair, hands trembling and tears falling from his eyes onto Changmin's cheek.

'Changmin, Changmin-ah, you idiot, I remember, I remember everything. You can't, not like this, you can't go like this!'

'H-Hyung,' Changmin manages, blood gurgling in the back of his throat. His chest is on fire, and it hurts to breathe.

'Changmin-ah, I'm sorry I couldn't remember, but I remember now, I remember everything now.'

Hyung, you came back,' Changmin coughs, and gropes around for Yunho's hand, and finds it.

'I'm sorry, Yunho-yah. It's all my fault. I don't hate you, Yunho-yah, I don't. I love you.'

Yunho doesn't hear the wail of the siren when the ambulance arrives, just that Changmin slumps in his arms by the time it does. He clutches onto Changmin's hand through the whole ride, perfectly distraught and bloodied and crying but he doesn't care.

Changmin gets wheeled into surgery first thing, and Yunho's left to crumble against the wall, moaning Changmin's name over and over again and tears soaking the front of his shirt, and that is how Jaejoong, Yoochun and Junsu find him.

Yoochun doesn't stop pacing, throwing the occasional glance at Jaejoong and exchanging looks that speak more than words can. Junsu sits with Yunho on the floor, letting Yunho cry into his shoulder.

We should have known, we should have known Changmin wasn't alright, Junsu thinks, patting Yunho's head gently in a failed attempt to comfort.

It's the longest four hours of Yunho's life when the swing doors of the operation theatre finally open and Changmin is wheeled out into a nearby ward. Yunho goes to Changmin right away, catching words like 'collapsed lung' and 'out of danger' as he passes the surgeon explaining things to Jaechunsu.

Yunho collapses into the chair next to Changmin's bed, finding Changmin's hand again. His face is pale and the dark circles under his eyes looked even worse, and he had an oxygen mask on.

Yunho just watches, and waits. He doesn't cry anymore, and only hopes beyond hope that everything will be alright again.

Yunho never leaves the ward, unless he really needs to. The nurses don't even think about making him go home, the poor thing. He forces himself to take the few mouthfuls he can, knowing that he needs at least something to keep him going so he can wait for Changmin.

He sleeps every night in the same chair, head resting against the bed, hand clutching. Listening to the steady beeping of the machine recording Changmin's pulse rate, imagining that it's Changmin's beating heart he hears right next to him.

Yunho wakes up one of those days (he's lost track of time already) with Changmin's hand still in his, and he just stares at Changmin's face. Still perfect, aside from a few healing bruises. Long lashes splayed out neatly just under his eyes.

His eyes jerk down to his hand, and he shakes his head. He must have imagined Changmin's grip tightening, and looks back at Changmin's face.

And then it happens again.

The squeeze is still small, but more noticeable. He squeezes back, leaning forward in his chair.

'Changmin, Changmin-ah, can you hear me? I'm here, I'm right here!' he whispers, hearing the desperation in his own small voice.

He watches Changmin's face, watching as Changmin's eyes twitch, and finally open. He pulls Changmin's hand up to his cheek, kissing the top of it as Changmin finally focuses away from the ceiling and at him. Changmin's hand releases his, only to cup at his cheek, his eyes crinkled and mismatched in a smile obscured by his mask.

'Hey,' Changmin manages to croak, 'Do you remember?'

'Yeah. Yeah, I do,' Yunho chokes, overwhelmed with tears, 'do you?'

Changmin lightly brushes away Yunho's tears, gently poking Yunho in the cheek, making Yunho smile despite himself.

'I do. I love you, Yunho-yah.'