Announcement: 100 rounds. Can you imagine that? And to celebrate it, we've got a big, important announcement to share with you next Friday. Hold the drum roll :)

Commenting time frame (CST): 9/2 - 9/11 (an extra day)

  Comment Topic: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance. Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about.

Moderator: dawnstarling

---

Author #1: kieran_grace 

Book Title: The End of Innocence     

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter Ten

Summary Thus Far: This story is set in a small town and revolves around a set of high school students, where multiple characters are featured in every chapter. Emma is an outcast who has been bullied for years by a girl named Serena, but is planning a prank to pull on her with her new boyfriend, Liam. Clare is a loner with a secret crush on a girl named Emerson, whom she is being blackmailed into not speaking to. She has recently started receiving texts from a mysterious person who claims to know her secrets and wants to help her. Emerson is dating a boy named Nate, and though she is in love with him, she knows she needs to break up with him because he's been cheating on her. She is good friends with Serena. Feel free to message me if you want more detail.

Author's Note: I'm so excited to be spotlighted again! I got an insane amount of feedback last time, and I'm excited to see what you have to say this time around. I'm at the beginning of the querying process for this book, so I'm sure your feedback will be valuable for that. If you don't mind, please don't tell me that this isn't your genre or that you're not the right audience for it. Instead, I'd rather know your thoughts on how this could be improved for the intended audience. Thank you for your time!

1) How and where could the emotion of the chapter be improved? By improved, I mean made more realistic and easy to relate to.

2) Where and why was this chapter engaging or not engaging and how could this be improved?

3) What are your opinions on the characters? By this, I don't mean personal opinions, but rather your thoughts on their depth and how an agent might see them.

In-line comment preference: Preferred  

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning comment: Congratulations on the spotlight, ! I remember reading your first chapter when it was spotlighted a while back, so it was definitely interesting to jump back into this story! :)

I thought I'd jump straight to the questions, and give you my answers to the comment topic along the way. Hopefully it won't get too confusing, but if it does, you'll just have to bear with me for a few minutes haha! Anywho, here we go...

QUESTION 1 – "The emotion of the chapter"

There were a lot of emotionally charged scenes in this chapter, starting with Emma's encouraging train of thought as she made her way to class (a favorite quote from this part would have to be: "She can already feel herself beginning to sink, the happiness fading away. That's when she realizes: It doesn't matter what Serena says.") and ending with Serena's ominous switch from desperate sadness to "'Holy crap, Adelia,' she says. 'You're a genius.'". The strong emotions – especially in the first part with Emma and Serena – definitely made me connect with the characters, but there were a few parts that I think could've been altered or fleshed out further:

1) (This is 1/3 of the answer to the CT)
The way Serena went from dropping a rude comment ("Whoa, is she drunk or something?") to suddenly sobbing to then being warm and friendly felt rather confusing, at least for a reader who's only encountered the character once before. While I can see how the meltdown could have come suddenly, I think adding some form of pause/hesitation before Serena asks Emma why she decided to help would feel more realistic/natural. I definitely think you should keep the part where she asks her to stay quiet (because of course Serena won't like this getting out), but her sudden warmth towards Emma did make me pause for a second.

2) (This is the second part of my CT-answer)One thing I really liked about Emerson's part of this chapter was the way you portrayed her struggle regarding her decision to break up with Nate. Even though he cheated on her, it's not easy for her to end things. I've seen many characters lashing out/breaking up in similar situations, but I think there's something realistic and humane about not knowing how to forgive/move on but also not wanting to let go of the relationship. 

However, I would've loved to see more of a reaction from Nate, as I felt that the scene ended rather abruptly. Because of that, I felt that Nate's part of the breakup didn't get a chance to be as genuine as Emerson's. If that was your intention, I would suggest adding something to hint at Nate's insincerity, because that way, you leave the reader with a clearer idea of how he actually feels. :)

3) "It's just a few words, but they fill Emma with an unfamiliar hope."
The only thing I'd like to bring up regarding this part is the use of "hope". It could be a personal opinion, but I think the most realistic emotion here would be confusion or suspicion or just plain shock. I do see how the hope could imply that Emma hopes for a better future at this school – a future where she doesn't have to be bullied by the girl who's now sobbing in front of her – but it could also be interpreted as hope that Serena finally likes/approves of her. As you've recently stated that Emma doesn't care what Serena thinks ("That's when she realizes: It doesn't matter what Serena says."), I'm guessing that wasn't the intention, though.

QUESTION 2 – "Engaging/Not engaging"

Personally, I find emotional chapters the most engaging, so I definitely think you managed to capture – and hold – my attention with this chapter. However, there's one aspect of your writing that tugged a little bit at my focus, and that would be the way the POV shifted slightly at some points, the main example being: "Not just crying, but sobbing. Choking. The small group of people still moving past all seem to slow as they turn to stare at Serena. A senior named Allison Song even giggles as she goes by, laughing at Serena's pain. Just like everyone else in school, she knows Serena deserves it." 

The first part of this was powerful, but you strayed a bit from Emma's POV at the end. I was a bit confused by the mentioning of Allison's name and the fact that she thinks Serena deserves it, because I couldn't quite see how Emma would know that. Because of that, I would suggest altering this part.

(Another minor example of this would be: "'Just tell me what it is,' Layla pleads, but it's half-hearted.")

QUESTION 3 – "Characters"

It's awfully hard for me to not give you my personal opinion here, because I will always develop a personal connection to the characters I'm reading about, but I'll give it a shot. Though there were several characters to read about here, I've decided to focus on Emma and Emerson, because they left the strongest impressions on me.

When it comes to Emma, the thing that gives her depth is her ability to rise above the crap she's been served at this school. Instead of stooping to Serena's level, she expresses these mature thoughts:

"Emma wants to laugh. She wants to make fun of Serena. She wants to give her the chance to see what it's like to feel like a nothing. After all, this is what she's been waiting for her entire life. But something about it just makes her sad." + "Emma can't help it. Her heart goes out to Serena, because she knows what it's like for something like this to happen, to have everyone staring at you, laughing at your misery, and nobody actually willing to help.". I've already mentioned my fondness for the way you portrayed Emerson's inner struggle, but I'll repeat it here, because I think that was a quality that really fleshed her out/gave her depth. However, there were a few minor inconsistencies that I'd suggest taking a look at, (this is the final part of my answer to the CT) the main example being how "Her parents call her Mercy because of how many chances she gives everyone" doesn't quite work with "Emerson smiles tightly. She looks annoyed, like someone's forcing her to talk to Clare". I would suggest either explaining one of these parts further, or to eliminate one, because the combination of the two confused me a bit. That being said, Emerson's definitely a complex character, so kudos are in order! 

In fact, you've got a large cast of interesting and complicated characters, and I really think you've captured the complexity of high school drama. Great job!

Network with this winner: reaweiger 

1st runner up: kemorgan65

2nd runner up: FanyPi

Final Authors Note: Thank you all again for your helpful feedback! It was really hard to pick a winner because everyone gave me very similar feedback. In the end, I chose @reaweiger  because of all the details she included, and I chose both runner-ups because they gave inline comments, which are always the most useful for editing. 

---

Author #2: mackeywriting

Book Title: The Doppelganger Scenario 

Spotlight Chapter: NBR-Prologue 

Summary Thus Far: A lifetime of bad decisions leads Rodney Spencer into a drunk-driving accident. After waking from a coma, he leaves the hospital with a back injury and the desire to fix his life and rekindle dying friendships. Upon arriving at their usual hang-out, he discovers another Rodney in his place carousing with his friends as though it were happier times.

Fleeing from his doppelganger in terror, he returns to his apartment. With the help of the recently released Maya, an AI with extraordinary capabilities, Rodney seeks the help of a mysterious group known as the Secluded. Finding himself embroiled in a massive conspiracy, a trail of clues bring him to the mad genius Oliver Roth, owner of Roth Industries and the employer of Rodney's doppelganger. He visits the Roth estate in the hopes of finding answers to his plight and returning to a normal life, only to discover the world is not what it seems.

Author's Note: I'm excited for my first time in the NBR spotlight. Looking forward to your responses. Don't be afraid to hold back on your comments and criticism.

After reading the book's summary, does the prologue's old fashioned setting make you less inclined to read further or would you be willing to stick with it?

Is the time period too ambiguous for you to get immersed into the story, and if so, to what degree is it a detriment?

Was the opening scene effective at establishing an eerie and disturbing mood?  

In-line comment preference: Welcome 

Genre: Science Fiction  

Rating: PG-13 

Winning comment:ROUND 99 COMMENT TOPIC: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance. Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about.

I feel like this is another one of those topic questions where we should've been given an either-or option—three instances where the amount of detail could've been changed, but each one can be either a case of more needed or less needed. Especially since the beginning of the topic question acknowledges that a story might need either one—addition or trimming. (And I think I've noted that before....)In any case, I'll go ahead and list three things, with the third one probably mattering most here. 1. The female character's appearance and related characteristics. We don't know things like her age or what she's wearing (which could be an additional clue to the geographical and temporal location), other than the fact that it shows her shoulders. 2. The male character's appearance and related characteristics. I am a bit curious as to what he looks like, and if there's anything about him—like the glint in his eyes—that matches the sinister, untrustworthy, and possibly psycho vibe he gives off. 3. Elements that would give us a clue to when all of this is taking place. In this case, rather than adding detail about an existing element, I'm talking about adding in elements to create general detail. Basically, clues to the era. Besides the clothes, it could probably include things like furnishings and fixtures, equipment, and reference to public services like transportation, postal services, etc. Political references (real-life politicians from the time period, military conflicts of the day) can work as well, since those can be quite time specific. Part 2/12BUT...I would only add details in any of these categories very sparingly, as you already have plenty of detail present in the chapter, and it already focuses on the things that I think will matter most to the readers—the jacked-up stuff going on in that basement and lower levels! You don't want to have the problem of crossing the line from rich in detail to bogged down with it, especially regarding areas that the audience will probably not care a ton about. I absolutely do not want an EXTENSIVE description of the characters' clothes, for example, and that's usually the very type of thing I advise writers to pare down.Also, I understand if you're specifically trying NOT to be very specific about the era, so really I don't mind that too much. As I'll say at other points in this critique, I'm more concerned about consistency rather than specificity per se. (Though you will need a reasonably clear idea in mind for you to stay consistent with in the first place....)Author's Questions: Hello there, Mackey! I hope today finds you well. Let's get started with the questions! 1. After reading the book's summary, does the prologue's old fashioned setting make you less inclined to read further or would you be willing to stick with it?Well, it's unexpected and a bit puzzling, but the chapter itself is intriguing enough that you still really want to continue–or at least I did! 2. Is the time period too ambiguous for you to get immersed into the story, and if so, to what degree is it a detriment?That itself really wasn't such a problem, but the inconsistent dialogue was, because it made things feel neither here nor there. When things are consistent you can get at least some idea or picture things, but once you start making it feel inconsistent, then it gets frustrating and difficult to pin down. And it's not that I need the exact date or even century. But I don't want to feel like we've gone from maybe 1700s or 1800s to then feeling more like it could be anywhere from the mid 1900s to post 2000. 3. Was the opening scene effective at establishing an eerie and disturbing mood? Heh, the whole chapter was eerie and disturbing, so that would be a resounding "yes." My main thought throughout it was, "What in the name of Heaven, Hades, and Earth is this creep up to?" and also how unwise it seemed of the woman to be involved in all of this while having no idea what was going on. Although it sounds like she was pretty desperate for money, so that sort of explains it. Still, it sounds like she's picked a reallll charmer here...she better hope she doesn't end up in one of his dungeons herself as an experiment! Part 4/12****************Additional Notes:Some quick notes before we start: (Refresher on my editing approach)For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. (Ps. There are times where I'll simply show the unrevised version of a sentence or passage, and note my recommendations, but leave it to the author to determine how to revise it).Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed. Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords and even some non-cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them. All right, then—here we go!Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse and direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed. Part 5/12First: "A trifle," he said, leaning forward. The woman's breasts bounced in her thin blouse as she perked up with another smile."However, if you've botched our arrangement, you aren't leaving this room alive." [Changed the paragraphing here, because of the shifts in focus from one character to another. The other note I have to make is that the way you've written about the woman comes off oddly here for me. It sounds as though her breasts are moving as a reaction to his words or her emotional state, like a dog's tail or ears! If you were to say that they bounced from an increased perkiness in her gate, that would make sense, but the way it's currently presented doesn't work for me. It's as though they're tied to her smile.]Next: "That's the problem with you, my dear. You think so little of me, and like an ignorant åss, you assume I must think little of you. Why is that?""I don't know, sir. I don't think about those things. Come to think of it, I don't think you're little. Scary, but not little." [I'm not sure what to make of her response here. Were you deliberately trying to have her not understand his statement, and what it means to think little of someone?] Part 6/12Next: "Yeah?" she said, letting out an immense sigh. "I don't mean to complain, sir, but it was hard this time! I can take the weird stuff. I know we already went through all this when you told me about the job, but I still can't believe it. [I'm not sure what the exact era here is, but with the general style of they've been speaking and the formality of it, some of the things she's saying in this paragraph don't feel right. For example, "I can take the weird stuff" and the "yeah" at the beginning. You mentioned the setting was "old-fashioned," and that language sounds more recent than I think you intended.Here's an example of how I might revise the paragraph:"Yes?" she said, letting out an immense sigh. "I don't mean to complain, sir, but it was quite difficult this time! I can handle these unusual things, and I know we already discussed all of this when you informed me about the job, but I still can't believe it."]Next: "Are you ready?" he asked. She nodded.The doctor took the candle and moved toward the nearest wall. He used the small flame to light the lantern, illuminating their portion of the room. [Changed the paragraphing again—same reason as before.]Next: "You mean vomit? Yes. Why?""Steel yourself.""I don't understand."/"I don't believe I understand." [Revised wording–same reason as before.]Next: "Steel yourself," he repeated. She let out a slight whimper. "Don't be afraid. You will see the truly grotesque, my lady, but I promise you a remarkable beauty at the end of this tunnel." [Changed paragraphing.] Part 7/12Next: The first was roughly halfway down the long hall under a wooden plank with the name "Horus" carved in a crude, almost indecipherable fashion. [Added quotation marks. You could probably also use italics for this instead, based on what I read here. ]Next: Dead branches curled over the vat's lid like rotten fingers struggling to split their glass prison. ["Fingers" is plural, so I've changed "its prison" to "their prison." Really like your description here, by the way.]Next: Small cracks ran down the edge—one so thick a leaf had managed to sprout through. [Changed the hyphen to an em dash. I also changed the part about the leaf from "managed" to "had managed," as I felt that needed to be in past completed tense.]Next: The tree was covered in the crinkly brown things like a coat of fur, each leaf connected by a thin pink stem. [Because you were talking about the leaf in the immediately preceding sentence, beginning this sentence with "it" made it sound like you were still talking about the leaf and saying that the leaf itself was covered with crinkly brown things.]Next: Dead branches curled over the vat's lid like rotten fingers struggling to split its glass prison. Small cracks ran down the edge-one so thick a leaf managed to sprout through. It was covered in the crinkly brown things like a coat of fur, each leaf connected by a thin pink stem. The coat ran down its trunk, exposing only the gaping ovular hole at its center. Thousands of deep lines formed on the rim like parched lips. Twisted roots poked from the loose dirt, their tips seemingly clutching at the dead leaves dangling inches away. [Just wanted to make a general note that, editing needs notwithstanding, the description throughout this paragraph is wonderful and quite vivid.]Next: "It reminds me of a willow, the way the leaves droop. But it's not a willow. I'm no botanist, sir. I never cared for plants. Not even flowers, to be honest." [I think it would make more sense to have statement of inability come before her attempt to identify the tree, or at least have something acknowledging the contradiction if you want to keep the current order. Example of each:"I'm no botanist, sir. I never cared for plants. Not even flowers, to be honest. Though...I suppose it reminds me of a willow, the way the leaves droop. But it's not a willow.""It reminds me of a willow, the way the leaves droop. But it's not a willow. Having said that, I'm no botanist, sir. I never cared for plants. Not even flowers, to be honest."]Next: "Oh! Is it the same? Is it-" her voice trailed off into a whimper. [She's voluntarily trailing off here, so this needs to be punctuated differently. Also, even if an em dash was suited to this, you currently have a hyphen there instead.]Next: "It was the first to reach sentience. Do you know how long it took that opening to form? How long the soul of poor Horace cried in anguish? This is proof that the will of nature will bend to the will of man. "If his pain found expression in the trunk of this tree, what of our desires? What has our knowledge delivered? What use is the accumulation of observations? Paltry scrawling in the guise of theory and wishful thinking. I have only one desire in this life, and it will be fulfilled. I don't wish for the winds to die, the tides to still, the sun to dim, or the planet to cease turning. Nature has granted us the resources to blot every star in Earth's sky. If men can halt the forces of nature, they can halt decay. They can create a life outside this wretched cycle, if not for themselves, then a creature in their image. Nature will be violated in an inconceivable way, a way I plan to make conceivable. Like the agony of Horus, we will communicate our triumph in such a way that it doesn't go unnoticed. The fabric of existence will quake in awe. I would make it so." [I think this passage could still use more parsing, but this is a start. The original paragraph was quite long, and that effect is amplified when you keep in mind that many or most of Wattpad's users are using mobile devices to read. Large blocks of text like this do not translate well for that—they're visually overwhelming and fatiguing.]Next: "And so would I," the woman said, pressing her hand against the glass vat. "A world full of children. Never-ending youth. An innocence so pure it would blind an angel. But how? I can't begin to imagine such a place.""Because it is a product of your imagination. You must be more pragmatic, my lady. We're still confined to nature. To suit our needs, we must turn it on its head. The results will be quite monstrous, I'm afraid." [The way this exchange is worded feels bit odd–she can't begin to imagine it BECAUSE it's a product of her imagination? That statement seems rather paradoxical.]Next: Two large branches jutted from the wooden torso and pressed against the glass. [Changed "jut" to "jutted." ]Next: "Take my hand," he said. She gently clasped his wrist with a tiny shudder. The stench of hay and manure flooded her nostrils. From the top step, she heard the echo of buzzing flies. [Separated characters' paragraphs again.]Next: "Its dying gasp," the doctor said. [Changed "it's" to "its."]Next: She proceeded to leave the room and lumbered down the hallway, nearly collapsing on her way to the real basement. [Changed the comma between "room" & "lumbered" to "and" instead.]Next: All things down below were a fevered nightmare, she conceded. The doctor's domain. [This seems more like a conclusion on her part than a concession/admission, especially since there was really no assertion made in the first place that it was a "fevered nightmare."] Part 11/12Next: "I expected a little man," she said as he tossed it onto the table. The doctor smiled as he procured a letter opener from his vest. "That would be silly," he said, clutching the handle with both hands. He raised his arms, then plunged the knife's tip into the root. A deafening shriek erupted from thin air. [Paragraphing changes.]Next: "I'll explain my new theory, in that case," he said. The woman nodded weakly.The doctor cleared his throat and continued: "It has been speculated that the mandrake root resembles a man because a man's seed resembles the man. The earth fertilizes his seed into its proper form, unheeded by the female womb. This isn't true. The mandrake is created through ritual and willpower. What ritual is more powerful than an execution? What will is more potent than the will to live? This combination has accrued a force capable of birthing life. A monstrous hybrid, but life nonetheless." [Changed paragraphing, first because of character shifts and afterwards to break up the size of it.]Summary: Some changes needed in things like punctuation, paragraphing, and straightening out the characters' dialogue–clarity and consistency. But on the positive side, you've actually done a great job with this chapter overall. It was disturbing and creepy as heck (which I enjoyed) and sometimes gross (which I didn't...), but also very, very, intriguing and mysterious, and I definitely want to read some more of it after having read this and the blurb! (And that's despite the fact that I tend to find stolen-identity storylines very frustrating and stressful....)You've also done a wonderful job with creating vivd, immersive descriptions. For such an odd and complex setting, I was able to picture things with surprising ease. That's especially important when you already have a somewhat ambiguous setting you're working with because of the time issue. Well, those are my notes here! Hopefully they'll be of help. Good luck! Part 13 Forget to mention this: I'd have to read further along into the story to determine this, and that isn't really an option right now, but I already do have some concerns about how much information is in the blurb. It's well-written, but I'm concerned that you're putting a bit too much information in it and revealing story and plot elements that it would be best for the readers to discover themselves as they read the story. Whether or not that's the case depends on how important those events are and how much space is devoted to them in the story, which is why I can't currently determine that. But it was enough of a worry that I wanted to give you a heads-up, and if anyone else has read further and given you the same warning, you can probably consider this comment as further confirmation.

Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

1st runner up: kemorgan65

2nd runner up: reaweiger

Final Authors Note: Thanks NBR for the helpful feedback. I've got plenty of suggestions for improving my prologue in future revisions. I'm extremely grateful and glad to take part in this community.

---

Author #3: Andicook

Book Title: Delilah 

Spotlight Chapter: Five 

Summary Thus Far: Delilah was forced as a child to meet the sexual needs of her fatherbecause her mother was sick. After her mother's death, her father forces herinto prostitution to support them and his growing drinking problem. Followingher father's death, Delilah continues her life as a prostitute. At a weddingfeast, she meets the Israelite strongman, Samson. The town elders offer to payDelilah to learn the source of his strength and ensnare him. Chapter five is ascene where they meet at her home.

Author's Note:

 1. Delilah desires love, but life has made her a cynic. How realistic is her inner struggle when faced with the proposition of important men?

2. How did you find the level of sensuality between Samson and Delilah?

3. Which character could you identify with most: Samson or Delilah? 

In-line comment preference: Welcome  

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: M (because the first few chapters deal with sexual abuse)  

Winning comment:  ROUND 99 COMMENT TOPIC: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance. Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about.

1. I suppose you could add some details about the courtyard itself. Are there any plants growing there? Blossoms perfuming the air? A tree or other source of shade? (I know it's at night but the tree or shade structure would be there regardless.)

2. The detail about her hair. Now, I realize this was already clarified in a preceding chapter, so I get the reference, and I also know that normal readers would presumably start at the beginning rather than jumping to a later chapter as we reviewers will. But, I suppose it still wouldn't hurt to have a very brief reminder in was readers have forgotten why the hair matters—that it's a mark of her situation.

3. I suspect her rule about not dealing with multiple clients simultaneously was at least partially motivated by safety. (Although I do realize there is also the reality that even women like this, who are making a living by being perpetually abused and exploited, may still have some limits or rules about what they're willing to tolerate, especially if they're not totally strung out to where they'll do anything.) In any case, if my guess is correct, then it might be helpful to mention that, since I'm probably not the only reader wondering about that rule of hers.

Author's Questions:

Hello there, Andi! I hope that you are doing well today. Now, let's get on with the questions!

1. Delilah desires love, but life has made her a cynic. How realistic is her inner struggle when faced with the proposition of important men?

It makes sense not me, especially having read most of the preceding chapters. About the only thing is that I was surprised by the fact that she actually did listen to the little girl versus the cynic...but then I remembered how women with histories of abusive relationships still keep getting with awful guys and thinking they can change them or that things will turn out better this time. So the fact that she actually didn't make the cynical choice does make sense from that perspective, I suppose.

2. How did you find the level of sensuality between Samson and Delilah?

I think it worked overall, although there were two or three things about it:

A. I'd expect her to be a lot more jaded about all that by now. Even for women who can ignore or avoid the general aversion to touch, I wouldn't really expect them to be that easily attracted. Then again...pfft, I just thought of one specific real-life example where the opposite took place. Ehh, guess humans are pretty unpredictable, especially in how they respond trauma and damage.

B.

"And as for my beauty, how can you claim to be captivated by something hidden behind veil and cloak?"

"Ah, but mistress, beauty cannot be so easily masked. Your eyes are dark pools that entice a man to submerge himself. Long lashes curl around them, giving them an alluring, yet mysterious appearance. The dark skin surrounding your eyes has a luster, like that of lovingly polished mahogany. You hold your head high as would a princess, telling every man present of your worth. You glide across a room, your feet seeming never to touch the soil beneath them. The silk cloak you wore did not hide your rounded curves, but rather promised a feminine form any man would admire. No, my beauty, veil and cloak cannot protect you from the discriminating eye of a man."

Okay, even though he was at least answering her question so it wasn't just a spontaneous series of declarations, all this flowery speech still seemed either unrealistic or indicative that he was full of...detritus. I'd be skeptical as heck if any guy I'd just met were to talk to me like that.

C. As I dried the second foot, Samson shattered the quiet with a rasping voice, "Hospitality is satisfied. Now take your towels and leave before I do something we will both regret."

I'm sure it wasn't actually intended this way, but comments like this from guys tend to come off as sounding too much like threats. Sometimes it can more or less work, but this time it mainly just felt...uncomfortable.

3. Which character could you identify with most: Samson or Delilah?

Easy pick here—Delilah. I've already spent the previous chapter following her perspective and understanding how her mind works, plus the cynicism is something I can relate to, though I'm certainly not as cynical about some things as her. [It helps that I have a great father myself and that my mother and father have a happy (as far as I'm aware, obviously) and long-standing marriage. I'm still quite cynical about people in general, but I have more hope than I otherwise would've, no doubt.]

In any case, I don't particularly see anything about Samson that I especially relate to. Well, maybe the protective factor...if he's sincere about it. I tend to be protective of people and also take it upon myself to try to help them in different ways. Plus I'll generally reassure them if they turn the tables and start worrying about me.

BLURB:

Torn between a blossoming love and an inbred distrust of men, Delilah struggles with her promise to deliver Samson into the hands of the Philistines. After betraying the Israelite hero, she takes refuge in a most unlikely place—the Hebrew town of Hebron. Living under the alias "Salome," she seeks a peace that has been elusive her whole life.

Warning, this book is listed as mature because it deals with sexual abuse. [Changed the single hyphen to an em dash and removed the spaces around it—no space goes between an em dash and the words on either side of it. By the way, Wattpad's formatting doesn't allow for proper em dashes in certain places, so it'll likely change your em dash to the double-hyphen form here.

Added quotation marks to "Salome." You can probably use italicization as well, although I feel the quotes work better for this one.

The final change I made was to change "illusive" to "elusive," as that seemed to be the meaning you had more likely intended. Illusive would mean that the peace itself was deceptive, and I would expect her to seek the real thing rather than a deceptive one...although then again, some people do indeed choose to stick their heads in the sand and pretend all is well when it's not.]

CHAPTER 5:

Next: In a whisper, Helez, the physician, spoke. [A comma needed to be added here, as "the physician" was actually what needed to be set off.]

Next: "We saw your brief encounter with the Israelite. I am sure you have heard the stories of how he has humiliated the Philistines over and over again. One man cannot match his unrivaled strength. The legends of his feats are not exaggerated. If anything they are too tame.

Perhaps you have also heard that he has a weakness for pretty women. Once we almost surprised him in the house of a Philistine courtesan, but he outsmarted us. Tonight he was enthralled with your beauty. We are sending him here for lodging. We will tell him you are a widow who takes in boarders for a living.

Keep your head covered and act like a lady until you are sure he is besotted with your beauty. Once he is under your power, we want you to lure him into revealing the source of his great strength and deliver him into our hands. If you accomplish this, each of us, plus each of the five Lords of the Philistines, will give you 1100 shekels of silver. With this amount of money, you could retire and start life afresh elsewhere as a rich widow." [Broke up the paragraph snd changed "borders" to "boarders."]

Next: But remembering Samson's eyes and the shock of his touch, I hedged. "It might take time to ensnare such a cunning man. [I think the first sentence served more as an action beat rather than an actual dialogue tag so I changed the comma after "hedged" to a period instead.]

Next: "Ah, but mistress, beauty cannot be so easily masked. Your eyes are dark pools that entice a man to submerge himself. Long lashes curl around them, giving them an alluring, yet mysterious appearance. The dark skin surrounding your eyes has a luster, like that of lovingly polished mahogany.

You hold your head high as would a princess, telling every man present of your worth. You glide across a room, your feet seeming never to touch the soil beneath them.

The silk cloak you wore did not hide your rounded curves, but rather promised a feminine form any man would admire. No, my beauty, veil and cloak cannot protect you from the discriminating eye of a man." [Broke up the paragraph, due to length.]

Next: While I am captivated by your beauty, I would do nothing to besmirch your good name. [Yeah-freaking-right!]

Next: Startled, I jumped up, knocking the basin over. [Added comm after "startled."]

Next: When he released me, I whirled and fled from the room, slamming the door in my haste to remove my traitorous body before I allowed lust to consume me and wreak havoc with my plan to woo this man into love. [Changed "wreck" to "wreak."]

Summary:

There were some problems with things like punctuation, plus some pretty persistent capitalization issues. Additional, there was a tendency towards very large paragraphs, which doesn't translate well for mobile devices.

However, on the positive side, the descriptive aspect was rich, and even better than that was the emotional aspect of things. You've done such a great job capturing Delilah as both a child and then into her adulthood, and providing all these insights into her different thoughts and feelings. She felt very realistic and also very compelling, and you're great at the interactions between different characters, as well.

The story here is really surprising and intriguing, and I think you're doing a great job so far at casting things in a whole new light. I actually find Delilah a very likable and sympathetic character at the moment with the insights you've provided here. Even her flaws don't bother me as much as they otherwise would.

Well, that about does it! Hopefully you'll find my notes and feedback here to be of use. Good luck!

Ps. Please know that you are in my prayers, as well. God bless.

Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

First runner-up: reeseaxford

Second runner-up: RonASewell

Honorable mentions: FanyPi kemorgan65 MichaelHoliday

Final author's note: Due to health concerns, Andicook was unable to determine a winner. The NBR staff delved through the comments and selected winners using the most objective method possible.

Her husband Wayne posted this message on November 4:

This is Wayne Cook, Andi's husband of 46 years. She passed away yesterday after a 2 1/2 year fight with cancer.

She loved getting feedback on her Wattpad stories. They will been small part of her legacy.

Throughout her ordeal, her faith was unwavering. She checked off the important items of her bucket list, including spending time with our three sons, our granddaughter, and her siblings. We moved to Mexico, traveled to Europe, to Canada, and visited friends from near and afar. Her greatest concern was not death, but for those of us left behind.

Thank you to those who read her stories. Wayne

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Go read her stories, because that is her legacy. 

NBR will honor @Andicook during the Winter 2017 season.

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!