Announcements: Did you know that DawnStarling is the founder of NBR? As a thank you for her hard work and bringing this wonderful contest and community together, we decided to spotlight our very own founder's work for this round! Thank you so much for everything you did for us, DawnStarling!

Commenting time frame (CST): 8/20 ~ 8/29

Comment Topic: What is the one moment in the chapter you found to be most memorable, and why? Was it the characters? The writing itself?

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

---

Author #1: Several7s [June/July Prompt Challenge winner]

Boon Title: The Dissenters

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter 25: Amanda

Summary Thus Far: In the first chapter, Amanda wakes up in the future and discovers that she is secretly leading a rebellion. Not long after, she attempted a mission that ended in her capture. She is rescued by Zephyr- her best friend and the rebellion's second-in-command, and life continues. However, it is soon revealed that a traitor is among them, feeding information to the rebels. This chapter comes after Amanda and Phoenix (a fellow rebel) inform Zephyr of the traitor.

Author's Note:

Hey guys! I am so thrilled to be back in the spotlight! Last time was super helpful, and I'm looking forward to getting more help this week. Thank you all for taking time to look at my book. Hope you enjoy it! :D

1. I've been struggling with identifying my character's voices in my writing. I find that a lot of them tend to come off as very similar. Although it's just one chapter, do Amanda and Zephyr's voices come across as unique, or are they too similar to each other?

2. When I was looking at the stats on this chapter, I noticed that it was one of the ones that didn't seem to be finished as often. At any point, did I lose your attention? If so, why, and do you have any suggestions to make things more interesting?

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Action

Rating: PG

Winning comment: Welcome back to the spotloght! I like seeing the change in the character from chapter one to now. It really makes you wonder what happened between everything, you know?

Question 1) This chapter is mainly dialogue and I can see where you can think that their voices blend. All I can really say is to try and differentiate their voices a bit. Amanda can be detailed in her questions while Zephyr has those short, curt responses because she doesn't want to talk about it. Splitting the dialogue with internal thought might help too. Breaks up the chunks and chunks of information.I mentioned it also how some of their dialogue sounds the same. Both Zeph and Amanda say 'Well' in the beginning at times. One can say well throughout while the other can rely on 'Okay' or something. I've done that before too, have a character who needs constant verification say 'Okay' over and over again. I personally liked the scene. Just how is she feeling, Zaph. Maybe she's sighing more, or looking lost outward at nothing. I don't know, but give her something to do rather than just answer questions. I do think the build up tot he end might need more explaining. Unless there's a reason why the 2nd in command of the rebellion doesn't know they have tickets to his exclusive party. It's probably explained beforehand.

Really though, their differences don't come out until the party scene, which is really only a couple of paragraphs in the end. I personally could do without the detailed explanation of the clothing. Specifically, the Hawk paragraph. Maybe something like: 'Hawk had started on her hair when Amanda stopped her and instead threw it into a high ponytail' or something. Then that's it, tacked on the end of the paragraph before. #NBR But, this small detail does give me something of who they are. Amanda is a Tomboy. Easy enough. Combat boots and sweat pants -- I could maybe see it if it were leggings, or yoga pants, not really sweats though since those would look awkward under a dress. -- But, either way, she has her agenda and she'd rather be comfortable than safe... But, she seems ready to take risks and has a sense of calm about her that, in the end, things will play out her way. Zephyr -- We don't really see her side of the convo in regards to the clothing. I see she accepted it. She'll do it for the mission. I can see a little awkwardness. Inherent caution when she should be playing a part. But she had the end of the plan in check, so there are some of her leadership qualities. Amanada might be too rash for the spot as of yet.

Question 2) It's the dialogue. It's all dialogue. A give, give, give chapter. Little action. That might be a problem. But splitting up the chunks might help, like I said. Show how this information is effecting Zeph. How Amanda is befuddled and confused over it. Then her process onto the tickets she kept hidden until now and how they might come to some use. That's the only way I can see this being a bit more interesting. Maybe the chapter before doesn't have enough climatic feel to warrant a rest like this? Have you heard that story's go through several rising, climax, falling? Well, to efficiently hook a reader, you can't keep raising their heartbeat with constant conflicts and terror. You have to have scenes like this that allows them time to relax and get in the sway of the novel again. But they only work if the scenes before are wracked with action. So maybe you need to make sure that you've given the conflict before enough tension to allow this break in the constant throttle of attack. Just my two cents in the matter since i haven't read your piece.

CT: Most memorable... memorable... as much as I think you give too much detail on the clothing, it is the most memorable part. It clearly shows who Amanda is and it's a good break from the dialogue above it.

Network with this winner: Riprish

1st runner up: reaweiger

2nd runner up: burnedoubt

Final author's note: Picking a winner is so hard. You guys all gave me so much good advice, and some great ideas too. Thank you all so much for a wonderful week! I look forward to seeing your books in the spotlight too. :D 

---

Author #2: RonASewell

Book Title: Finding Linda

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter one

Summary Thus Far: N/A

Author's Note: Having my opening chapter in the spotlight is brilliant. Please feel free to say whatever you think. I've an extremely thick writer's skin. I may not agree with you but I value your thoughts. Whatever your comments I prefer the truth rather than false superlatives.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on my work.

1) I'll be happy with any general or specific comments you wish to make on this chapter.

2) My one question is – as you read can you picture the scene, do you feel Linda's agony, her angst and the heat.

In-line comment preference: Always welcome.

Genre: Adventure/Thriller.

Rating: M

Winning comment: Will announce winner soon

Network with this winner:

1st runner up:

2nd runner up:

Final Authors Note:

----

Author #3: @DawnStarling

Book Title: I am in Love with an Invisible Man

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter I (edited)

Summary Thus Far: Being married to an invisible man has proven to be challenging for Jocelyn. She reluctantly moves to Oregon in the hope to improve her marriage with Edwin. But when Wyatt, a corporeal man, interrupts their already precarious marriage, Jocelyn and Edwin are forced to pit their deepest desires against guilt driven obligations and moral dilemmas burdened by seven past lifetimes.

An unfortunate event soon exposes their private relationship to the 21st century media, forcing the world to question the existence of an invisible man, the theory of reincarnation, and whether love does indeed, survive long after death.

Author's Note: Hello my fellow NBR members. After two and a half years, I've decided to toss my book into the spotlight again. I look forward to your thoughts and hope you enjoy the first chapter of my work. Remember, you get the option of answering 2 out of the 3 questions. 

I WILL reply to everyone, and if you don't reply back then I'm going to chase after you :)

Q1: Can you relate to Jocelyn, given you've only met her?

Q2: Writing about an invisible man is challenging. Have I properly conveyed his sense of invisibility and how so?

Q3: I've revised this chapter to give my characters more depth. Have I achieved this?

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Paranormal Romance

Rating: PG (For the chapter)

Winning comment: Hi DawnStarling, great to see you in the spotlight. I started with the prologue. I realised I might be a bit confusing as I explain my suggestions on sentence structure. If any of them don't make immediate sense to you, just respond and I'll add the full sentence as suggested.

Suggestion format: <insert this text> (delete this text), and as always, they are just suggestions based on my evolving sense of grammar as an Australian.Comment Topic: What is the one moment in the chapter you found to be most memorable, and why?This is an easy one. It was when Wyatt copped a glass of water. I knew Edwin did it and that was exciting because suddenly I found out he had an active role in the story, not just an intellectual one. It was also the turning point that really picked up the pace. And it came right on time. You provided the best example yet of how passive voice has a role to play in great fiction. The sentence was perfect, fast, and very visual. It also spoke volumes about Wyatt. He didn't jump to the conclusion that he couldn't trust what he saw and it must have been Jocelyn. He trusted himself and continued to have respect for her. He wasn't insulted or intimidated, and just saw someone who needed help. So much happened in that one paragraph. I just really, really want you to sort out the redhead confusion for me. 1) Can you relate to Jocelyn, given you've only met her?Not so well. I empathise with her situation, but I've got no intuition about her. Sometimes, I'll get introduced to a character, and quickly feel like I know them. I could tell you if they prefer tea over coffee, or the sports field over the lounge room. I can guess if they'd be kind to a lost kitten or hiss it away. But I don't think I can answer any questions about Jocelyn accept what I inferred from her buying an expensive rain coat, and even that is vague because she's guilty about it, but not.2) Have I properly conveyed his sense of invisibility and how so? Yes, unless he's glowing. I felt a little bit disappointed at first because I was looking forward to an invisible man story. A physically present, strong, capable, vulnerable but entirely invisible human. I'm fairly certain by this point that I won't get that, and that this is a ghost story. Not that I can judge, my novel on Wattpad has Ghost in the title, and contains no ghost at all. What you do brilliantly is make him expressive. I had a very strong sense of his mood, his volatility, his pain, and his deep eternal love. And yes, I felt his rage at the end as well. And it was the rage of the powerless. The fury of injustice at being unable to do anything. I think the quick POV shift with "Edwin always hated when" really worked well. I needed to understand him a little bit, to make him more real, and this was an effective way of achieving that. Normally such a short POV shift would bother me, but in this case I liked it. I hope there's more of it throughout your novel.3) I've revised this chapter to give my characters more depth. Have I achieved this?I've talked about the other two already, so that leaves Wyatt. He's got the most depth out of all of them. He is naturally kind, a born teacher and helper. He likes dogs better than cats. Prefers timber to tiles or carpet. He gets along with his work mates, but has interests outside of the work circle. He takes care of his boots and doesn't understand people who don't look after their things. He thinks artists and musicians are cool, but doesn't understand them. He thinks doing up the porch is art, and the quality of the workmanship would convince many that he's right. Yes, you gave him lots of depth. And this is the sort of thing I'd like to 'just know' about Jocelyn. Notes:"The Douglas-firs vanish underneath" I found this second paragraph in a little clunky. The use of fog twice bothered me, but I'd already stumbled by then. I think my issue was that the first sentence of the chapter had given me no clue as to what the person, POV, or tense was. So this paragraph must establish that, and naturally I start the sentence a little off balance. Then the subject appears to be the firs and the object the fog which feels like the active part of the sentence. But then the forest, becomes the subject, which is okay I guess, because it is a forest of firs. Then we introduce 'her' in an object role in a way that has combined the firs and the fog to be the subject due to the word 'encapsulate'. This shifting of subject and object as the sentence unfolded felt confusing even though I did understand what you wanted to convey."The mist unfurls, whirl, and recoil in" I think I understand why you chose to leave the 's' off whirl and recoil; the prose is evocative. But it jars against my sense of grammar. I think you could possibly keep it, retain the atmosphere you're creating, and side-step the rules by throwing an 'a' in there to shift the tense it perfect. For example: The mist unfurls,"She sets two menus on the table and graciously pulled out a chair for Josslyn." This is the moment when I thought, 'but the other member of the party, who has arrived, isn't being mentioned'. Then 'Oh, I know who's with her..." It was also at this point that I feel like I knew it was the same character as in the prologue. "Jocelyn replies" Present tense."coat and the guilt" A comma after 'and' would stop readers feeling like she was brushing her hand against guilt. "clasped her hands excitedly, jolting" I didn't feel like the gesture of clasping was enough to warrant the word 'jolting' unless she was very on edge, which I think she isn't. Maybe 'clapped' or otherwise 'dragging | drawing | beckoning'"It's been a rough week," I think I'd be more comfortable with: It'd...But something about it made me think she wanted to excuse her behaviour by speaking the phrase, and had thought it to herself instead. If this is the case, maybe thought-italics are required here."other people's parade<s>" or "another person's parade" At this point I started to feel like she was obsessing about the rain. If people notice her bitch factor more due to the weather, then 'accentuates' is fine. But if her bitch factor dials up due to the rain, then maybe 'amplifies | intensifies | exacerbates'?"it nearly brought Jocelyn to tears" This, coming after "she could have cared less" did a great job of painting her as emotionally conflicted. It also gave me a sense that it is now a while since the incident in the firs. "There were nearly over" I think either 'nearly' or 'over' would be clearer for me. Then you brought up the 'ear piece' solution just as I was thinking it. I love it when a writer does that to me. Brilliant.'Albeit' means to me something like, "on the other hand" and introduces a new direction of thinking. But in this case it continues with the importance of not looking crazy. Maybe "more so" would help reinforce the concept. "Luke Evans" I had to Google him, then IMDb showed me how out of touch I am. And I really liked his introduction. Great work. "Jocelyn's jaw dropped." I laughed out loud here. And that is rare for me while reading. Oh, and I really like him when he picked up on how sad she looked, but didn't claim it as knowledge, just his perspective. "Jocelyn's cup of water violently flew off the table" Until this point, I'd been rolling along on curiosity. Now that there's action, I'm in. "He glanced at the beautiful redhead to his right. Her hands" This confused me. Is the 'her' that follows 'the redhead'? Or is it Jocelyn? Or does Jocelyn have red hair and he was facing sideways while talking to her? "she wondered why she had let Edwin talk her into this idea." Thanks for echoing my thoughts here. Just by you doing that, I gained confidence that there was some logic behind all of this. "twenty-six years", I'd guessed she was in her thirties. But if she married at twenty, that makes her forty-six. Which is a fantastic age for a protagonist, and it made me really happy. But I didn't understand why Wyatt would have been so awkward if she was older than the age where women are typically feeling jaded about being picked-up too often. I'm guessing she got married later than that, and for the relationship to have had lasting power, I'm guessing he died a while after they were married too, so I've now got her in her fifties. I would have hoped over twenty-six years, she'd have found her routine with Edwin and his ability to make her look insane."there wasn't any human-like aspect to his being" For the first time I'm wondering if this is different to the man in the prologue with cold sweat and warm breath."She fell to her knees and cried without a care in the world." Maybe if you tried "heedless of the world's gaze" or something so that she isn't crying and not caring in the same sentence. I did know what you meant though, so it could be just fine. "all aspect<s> of"DawnStarling, you've torn me in half. First you paint a painful but heartfelt relationship, a love that keeps two souls bound together beyond death. Then you bring Wyatt in like a real hero, all thoughtful and compassionate. "This isn't a show." I just feel like if Wyatt had been the invisible guy, he would never have embarrassed his wife by tossing a glass at someone being kind to her. But maybe after twenty-six years for frustration and insecurity, he might just have too. Great work."she doesn't dare" technically this is present tense. But it sort of read like a general and timeless rule. I'm not sure if it is okay or not. And then bang, you finish it with a great hook. I think you get away with rain helping in the role of fog, and all sunsets have power.Final Comment:This is a really strong first chapter. And you've done a great job of filling in bits of backstory without falling into the trap of telling. Or when you do, it feels like natural thoughts in the present. I think you're also on a good path with the emotional depth, the deep love, and the new interest. The invisible man side of things will add some curiosity, give you some fun situations and all that. But what will carry your readers through is caring about the characters and what happens to them. So I really appreciated how much time you spent on character and interaction, and how little you leaned on the curiosity factors. Your prologue was written in a much more prose-like style, which certainly suited the situation it described. What I'm not sure about is if readers who are new to your novel will start it, not go for the style and not realise that it is such a short prologue. You're probably fine. But I wonder how it would work if you broke all of the rules and put the prologue after chapter one, starting 'twenty-six years earlier...'. I'm sure chapter one would work fine without it, and maybe even better because we'd come to it with less expectation. I suppose that's the great thing about Wattpad. You can shuffle the chapters for a month and see how it affects readers. And lastly, every writer has to have an audience in mind. The feedback I got from was that the audience need a lot more pointed out and repeated than what I would normally realise. You've clearly been writing for an audience that needs a bit of spoon feeding. It is really hard to please everyone and I can't offer you guidance. But I can say that while I noticed it, the story rolled along quickly and was still engaging for me. Oh, extra lastly, I just noticed you've got two spellings of Josslyn and Jocelyn. I prefer that latter

Network with this winner: TimothyMarsh

1st runner up: Reaweiger

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Authors Note:

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!