👉 Press that Star!

Announcement: Remember that voting for the June/July prompt challenge starts at July 11th, US central  time!

Commenting time frame (CST): 7/7 ~7/16

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Comment Topic: Detailed descriptions, whether it be for scenery, character appearances, or action sequences, are always important for panting images of the scene in the reader's head. List at least three things the author did well with the amount of detail in their chapter and how/why.

---

Author #1: SebJenkins

Book Title: Life After Death

Specified Chapter: Chapter 2

Summary Thus Far in Book: So far, the prologue flashed forward and gave us an indication of the impending apocalypse Max is going to face, and the hopeless situation he will eventually find himself in, surrounded by the undead with no escape. Chapter one then drags us back down to earth as Max Dalton, our main character wakes up to his droning alarm clock. Although he has lost any love for his job, the big presentation he has been trusted with may be his chance to turn his life around. At the moment he's down on his luck, no wife, no girlfriend, a miserable job, and no nearby family. He then finds out once he gets to work that he's lost his job, and after an argument with his boss, he returns home. Max is battling with depression. Feel free to read the short prologue and first chapter if you have time.

Author's Note: This chapter is really meant to convey the hopelessness in Max's life, and his dark battle with his depression. Does this come across well, and if not, how could it improve?

Towards the end on the chapter, we see our first real bit of action. Is the action scene graphic and entertaining enough for you, or could it be improved?

Is the speech between the two brothers believable and realistic, and does it grip you?

In-line Comment Preference: In line comments are welcome.

Genre: Horror

Rating: Chapter rating PG (some violence)

Check back to see the winning review!

---

Author #2: VeilOfPetals [NBR Board]

Book Title: Hunger

Specified Chapter: "Rory: The Thief"

Summary Thus Far in Book: Austin is on the run after kidnapping his little sister "Pixie", the only thing he cares about and the only person he loves. His life consists of making money any way he can, staying alive, staying hidden and taking care of the deeply traumatized 5-year-old. In a van that serves as both transportation and home, they're biding their time on the streets of Dallas, Texas until Austin's 18th birthday, when he hopes to adopt Pixie and save her from the nightmare that was both of their lives.

Author's Note: Yay another spotlight! I love this community, and the feedback you guys give has helped me grow so much. I spotlighted this story more than a year ago. Since then there has been a complete revision in addition to a sequel I'm currently writing. My first spotlight focused on the first chapter, written from Austin's POV. This chapter is written from Rory's POV and shows their first meeting. My questions:

1. I've struggled with making Rory's voice as rich as Austin's, simply because I relate more to Austin. What are your first impressions of both characters?

2. This story is extremely dark, gritty and deals with subject matter that many people can't handle. I have tried repeatedly to "lighten things up" as much as I can to make the story accessible to a wider audience while still being true to the subject matter (sex-trafficking and child abuse). I have had complaints about the language (I must admit I am quite a potty mouth, and this spills over into my writing) so I toned that down a lot and also changed the genre from Teen Fiction to Romance to attract a more "new adult" crowd. I also tried to make this chapter more lighthearted and cute. What other advice do you have for making a dark story more appealing to readers? Sugar coating doesn't work for me, especially in this case because I am very passionate about these issues.

In-line Comment Preference: welcome!

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG13 for some language

Check back to see the winning review!

---

Author #3: kemorgan65

Book Title: Shadow of the Past ∞ a 'trilogy' #ShadowOfThePastTrilogy

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4 ∞ the shock

Summary Thus Far in Book: In the Prelude and Interlude 1, a voice speaks inside your (the reader's) head to introduce the Story before the Story and the Earth before our Earth, of development and disaster and how the populace became the Ark; this storyteller continues the pre-story in the Interludes that follow.

The current story continues two chapters after the previous NBR spotlight #76) chapter: Strange circumstances had brought Danny to find a wet and hurt girl on a country road along Lake Eufaula in the middle of the night. She does not want to go to the hospital and has nowhere to go, so he decides to take her home, and on the way and on reaching home, other strange things occur – several emergency vehicles drive in the direction he came from, he sees a column of swirling mist twice, their two dogs going crazy, and one dog, Laddie, goes missing. His sister Gina helps to take care of the girl, comments to Danny that the girl's eyes are black and that she seems to be blind, but later Danny sees the girl has green eyes. Later, a voice that Danny had heard before, speaks inside his head, asking him to "watch over her".

The following morning, Day #1, comes with unexpected rain. The girl wakes up for a short while, but she doesn't remember what had happened to her, and later she has a nightmare about leaving everybody behind.

Danny finds Laddie dead with jugular torn, and buries it, realizing that the cougar story in the Eufaula Tribune (this is an actual article of the time, see chapter 3) was true.

The spotlight chapter continues with Day #1

Author's Note: Dear NBRians! I am looking forward to being part of the spotlight again this week. Last time I received such useful feedback, not only did you guys help me improve my chapter, I also revamped my book description – I'm much happier with it now. Thank you all for being here, and thank YOU Dawn Starling and company for running this show.

I have apologize to you all also, because I've been hard-pressed to keep up with the weekly spotlights that I have not been able to give as much feedback as I would have liked. I'm trying though... I am. Onwards march!

I don't have specific questions at this time other than how you feel about 1) the dialogue and 2) Danny's internal monologue. I'm interested in anything that might come up. ;-)

Oh and 3) you're welcome to revisit my book description, if you haven't already.

Note that there's no need to comment on my use of dashes, I use N- and M-dashes for specific purposes and am consistent with it as my style.

In-line Comment Preference: WELCOME!

Genre: A Sci-fi Mystery-Romance Fantasy Thriller rooted in our time and space! (Science fiction)

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: ok, congrats on the spotlight! I like to read and think on it for a few days so I'll be back. The format of this threw me for a loop, but I read more and am with you. It works well here on WP and I think would likely work well in the genre but I'm not super familiar with the genre. Right now it's reminding me of a Sandra Bullock movie. Premonition. It's a good movie but runs the events out of sequence much like this. I like this because it reminds me of PTSD. I think anyone who suffers this chain of events must feel like that, although they do experience linear time. With PTSD there are vivid memories and lots of compartmentalizing, in order to cope.

Any brush with real evil is going to be devastating. It's a difficult thing to write, so bravo for doing it. Ok. more later.

Title: Excellent, it immediately makes me ask questions and I want the answers. It hooks you.

Cover: You need a new book cover. The one you have is serviceable, but it could be much better. A new cover will up your readership. I'd focus on looking at the covers of books in your genre you want to read on WP then put them in a reading list. Go back and make notes on the common elements of the books you chose. Then take that list to a designer.

Blurb: "When Connor Carter abducts his 14 year old student, it's his young wife Jade who is left questioning everything she's ever known. As the investigation into 14 year old Anna's disappearance commences, Jade struggles to put together the pieces of the man she loved."

Don't repeat 14-year-old. You have it twice. I'd cut it in the second sentence. She's putting together pieces or she's piecing together the picture of the man she loved? The first way doesn't sit well with me. I knew what you meant but it made him sound like Mr Potato Head.

"Told from Jade's perspective, alternating between Before, During, and After, comes the story of a woman who married a stranger she thought she knew."

This sentence needs some reworking.

"The story of a woman who married a stranger she thought she knew. Told in an immediate style that alternates between Before, During and After, this haunting tale puts you in Jade's shoes as she searches for answers. "

Promo copy is tough to write. :-)

The world building was accomplished entirely by formatting and dialogue and I think it was successful in that I believed you. I believed this was an actual transcript and interview. The dialogue felt real. My only question is, why would they transcribe a conversation like this and would a lawyer not immediately get suspicious and demand answers? That was my only lapse in credibility. I felt she definitely would have clammed up if not given answers. But the style works for this genre.

Without the title of the book, I might not be hooked. The things she describes are mundane and not at all sinister and I'm mostly irritated that she has been interrupted, detained, questioned with no answers and had her comments recorded. I'm ready to start yelling about a police state.

But you have that title. So I know where this is going and instead I'm just hopelessly, horribly sad for her. I understand that this is the establishing shot, it's not compelling but it sets the tone and tells me who she is and what normal was like. You don't need to hook me because of your title.

If you wanted to change it then mention the investigation. Open that up because that's why I opened the book.

The book alternates between chapters formatted like this, in interviews or press releases, etc., and chapters formatted in Jade's first person point of view. After reading this chapter, would you be disappointed when the second chapter reverts to regular first person?

I expect it and would welcome it. I find the transcript dry and want more detail than official docs are going to give me. I want to hear what Jade is thinking and connect with her as soon as possible because I want to walk with her on this journey.

I've mentioned before, the story feels to me like the movie Premonition. I hope you watch it.

I know this is a short chapter, but how is pacing? Does this chapter drag too much so that it gets boring, does it go too fast so that it's confusing, or is it even paced? Pacing is okay because this is an establishing shot. I'm assuming there is a reason the police aren't being open, but again, if they were it would likely create more tension.

I'm reading McKee's work on story (highly recommended) and one of the things he says is that if the character starts on the up, they end on the down. There must be a turn. You haven't given us a turn.

You've established the setting.

Give us a turn. Let them explain why they are questioning and then end the chapter.

I hope this helped you. Blessings.

1st runner up: AmericanBruja

2nd runner up: Reaweiger

Final Authors Note: All I can say after this week is thank you all sooooo much! Going into this week, I wasn't sure I had picked the right chapter, I was worried it was too short to get meaningful critique's and advice out of, but I was so wrong! I learned soooo many things from reading everyone's reviews, not just for this chapter but for my entire book. I can't even express how valuable the feedback was to me. I want to make sure to mention three more honorable mentions whose comments I found particularly helpful (although to concur with probably everyone who has gone through a spotlight week, I truly wish I could mention every single person...it took me way too long to decide on what comment to choose for this). So my three honorable mentions are: Kieren_Grace Riprish BrittNLeigh

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!