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Announcement: ➤The new prompt will be out in the next 48 hours!
➤There is no Comment Topic because this week is a CHAMPION REVIEWER round!! Congratulations goes to our latest CR LLMontez!! She has provided many fun images of Mulder for her CR round. However don't get distracted too much by the fun, be SURE to READ through the INSTRUCTIONS she has provided below thoroughly. AND be EXTRA careful with your TONE this week (remember she will get ALL your comments, there is no break for her). 

Commenting time frame (CST): June 23 to July 2

Moderator: mokbook (please send all NBR related msgs to the DawnStarling account, thanks)

Champion Reviewer Round with LLMontez [WP Featured Author]

Book Title: ARC10

Author's Opening Comments: 

Welcome to the final three chapters of ARC10. My goal for this round is to really get the end as pristine as possible and with your help, I think that's going to happen.

As Mulder indicated, this is a party. I'm looking for your goods, your bads, your ups and downs, your jokes, your advice, your anger, your tears, and everything that you have to bring to the table.

But PLEASE, read the freaking directions because you can't join this party unless you agree to dance.

CR Round DIRECTIONS:

We're going to be doing a little bit of meta-analysis. For each chapter, answer one of the two questions posed. Then please make the following annotations as IN-LINE COMMENTS for all of these items when you come across them in the chapters:

#1 - One part you liked (just type "Thumbs Up" (or give the emoji) in an in-line)

#2 - One part that you think could be better/stronger (just type "Needs Juice" (or give a drink emoji) in an in-line. Clarification appreciated, but not required)

#3 - One part of the story that reminds you of something in your life or of something you've read/heard before - please explain

You can repeat these "stickers" as often as needed through the chapters, but please make sure you do at least one of each.

In-line Comment Preference: YES—See above!

Genre: Science Fiction

Are you ready, fam?

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Author: LLMontez

Specified Chapter: 28

Summary Thus Far in Book:  Here are the bullet points—hopefully they help,

●Invaders attack—the remaining human population lives underground in the URE (United Regions of Earth) in Martial law
●The HHP is a eugenics group in the URE given full governmental authority - Janika and Dean were contracted partners within the HHP and were charged with producing two children. They tried to conceive and were unsuccessful. Janika was released from the HHP contracts while Dean was reassigned. She spent one night with the man who had been pursuing her relentlessly and to her surprise, she accidentally became pregnant. In this part of the book, she wants to keep the whole thing a secret as she doesn't actually know 100% who the father is—the man she loves (Dean) or the man she slipped up with (Kia).
●Janika is Commander of ARC10, one of the ten ships designated to take the humans to their new habitable planet. She has been put in charge an elite team of militia known as VIPERs who will assist her in ground reconnaissance during fueling trips in their five-year journey to the new planet.

People you need to know:

❊Commander Janika Lorn - Narrator, ARC10 Commander
❊Lieutenant Commander Hayomo - The leader of the entire mission and Janika's commanding partner on ARC10
❊Commander Dean Freyer - ARC9 Commander, Janika's former HHP partner, best friend, and lover.
❊Simon Lorn - Janika's adoptive father
❊Warren Freyer - Dean's father who despises Janika more than anything else that exists
❊Dr. Bertrand Knuckles - Medic and inventor of PAHLM device—only one who knows Janika's secret
◘VIPERs -McCroy, Coodi, Avant, Norbit, Umpire, Grant

Author's Note:

Questions: Pick ONE of the two to answer and please complete the meta-analysis as outlined above.

Q1: Pacing
While reading, did the countdown speed up or slow down the chapter—what worked or didn't work for you?

Q2: Emotion
This is supposed to be a very emotionally charged chapter. Remembering that there are over 100,000 words used to build these relationships before this spotlight, do you think that the subtext and gestures give off the correct emotional upheaval—how can it be intensified?

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: Congrats on the spotlight! This is a very interesting book. To be honest, I've never heard of Mulder. After a quick trip to Google, I see that he's an X-file character. Maybe I'll get around to watching it.

I'll be answering q2) Emotion. One thing I would've liked to see more of is her pregnancy and those symptoms. I've personally never been pregnant, but even at 12 weeks isn't it hard to stand for very long? And she'd be fatigued , especially while wearing all her gear. And bloated, dizzy, and headaches... which I all got from a website so I might be wrong because I've never experienced it. I think including these symptoms would add another layer to the characters interaction.

Now! The first part and emotion:

I mentioned it inline, but I feel far off during her dream. It might be phrases like: 'It's this last nightmare that has me scared the most' --- It can be instead: 'This last nightmare scares me the most.'

Or, things like: 'just as before' 'but this time' -- take us out of the moment.

It might also be that there's no real transition from waking to asleep. I don't know really. There might not even be anything wrong with it and instead just the first person present tense. It does take a while to get into.

On to the real question, the relationships presented to us today...

Simon first. I enjoy the ramble and the 'Ok Dad.' Since that is complete real life. I've been in a situation like this, having to say goodbye to loved ones. It didn't really hit me that day, but a couple weeks later it did. At first I thought they had a bit of a falling out after what Hayomo said, but obviously not. I do think it's a normal exchange. Nothing really big. My mom does this all the time. I know she's just saying promises of the future, but I don't know about your character, if Simon is prone to not following through with his promises. MC's comforting her father and encouraging his grand ideas. SHe doesn't say bye, though, or I love you in return. A bit strange there, but a-okay. You have some great lines that sum up her feelings 'trying not to choke on the words that feel like bricks in my throat' and 'my heart is breaking with each unsure promise' But I think you can build on it so much more. Since it's mostly her trying to keep him calm. Just follow through at times

I like the sparse dialogue, don't change that, but the ending she can linger on his disappearing form in the crowd. She can give him a sad smile. Sag into his hug. I don't know, but I do think a bit more loss at his goodbye might do well here.

NOW! Dean. Love the paragraph of his introduction.

It's a cute little interaction. Joking, and small talk. I think his is really done well.

My only qualm, which isn't really a qualm, but the two meetings are about the same. Hugging, hands around the face, and promises of the future. The hugging is okay, the hands cupping the face might be a bit too much to have them share that trait. My dad doesn't cup my face when he's saying goodbye. I actually think that's a little awkward. My boyfriends always loved to cup my face, even though I found it annoying. The ending of that exchange is really gold.

Network with this winner: Riprish

1st runner up: Painebook

2nd runner up: Faylane

Final Author's Note: Seriously? 1188 comments... Really?

HOW CAN I ADEQUATELY THANK YOU ENOUGH!?

Sure, my stats are jacked forever, but I mean come on. Look at all those beautiful pieces of wisdom coming from all of you out there.

I want to especially thank PrairieCreek and SapphireAlena for reading the entire book in one week. Because wow.

So many of you were wondering about this weird new format I instilled this round.

Basically, this is how my meta-analysis worked:

-You guys provided me thumbs and juice (awesome).

-Based on the thumbs, I was able to highlight lines with five thumbs or more. This was a good line. I'll keep this line, analyze it, figure out what makes it good, and try to add more stuff like that.

-Based on the juice (fermented or not), I was able to figure out what lines were absolutely NOT working well. I can be a little stubborn sometimes and think, they just don't get me, but hey, if I've got Zorg chugging barrels along with five or six more of you in one spot, maybe this is something I should look at again.

-The relation comment was pure connection. I want to know what connects you to the story because all good stories form tethers. That's what makes us love them. We understand the characters and can relate to their problems. I wanted to make sure I have these areas in the story (and I'm insatiably curious about all of you out there, so I wanted to ask because I want to know all about you).

Ok, so now that you know all that good stuff, I based the winners off a meta-point system I created for feedback. It has taken me FOREVER to run through these edits (and I'm hustling to get it done to catch my plane for Seattle in three hours, so these will be excruciatingly brief).

Riprish- Winner by a landslide. I used so many of your syntax corrections. SO many. Not to mention, your analysis of the relationships between Simon and Janika vs Dean and Janika was amazing. It's exactly what I needed to get them split a bit more. I've been in these people's heads far too long. Thanks for the perspective.

Painebook- It REEEALLY helps that you've actually read the whole book and still like it (and me) enough to stick around and give some killer feedback. I have to say that my absolute favorite advice I got from you was every time you flagged another 'and'. That's what gave you some major points.

Faylane- Your word choice is so good. Almost every suggestion you gave in this chapter for harder-hitting diction was used. Those, I'm stealing... character names, however... that's a bone I'll be picking later.

Specifically for this chapter, I had a lot of close contenders. I just had to mention a few others:

PedanticandGrumpy- If I was picking winners based on wisdom and snark, you would have gotten the Grammy.

mackeywriting- You know Janika's character so well. When you questioned if one action was actually part of her personality, it really made me stop and think about it. And, you were right (dammit). Thanks for catching that.

Let's move along, shall we?

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Author #2: LLMontez

Specified Chapter: 29

Summary Thus Far in Book: This one is pretty straight forward. Hayomo has been hidden behind this top secret operation for more than ten years. No one knew she existed, so it was assumed that Janika Lorn of the verbal diarrhea, would have to take the face of Command once they finally got everyone on ARC10.

Hayomo, however, had other plans.

Just so you know: Janika Lorn has never said the worlds "I love you" to anyone in her life. Not her dad, not Dean, not her best friend, Moyra... no one.

Author's Note: Pick ONE of the two to answer and please complete the meta-analysis as outlined above.

Q1: Speech - Pathos
Hayomo LOVES her big, inspirational speeches. She busts them out a few times within the book, trying to motivate everyone with her rhetoric. Do you think her speech is an effective in inciting EMOTION—what lines struck you as being emotionally inspirational (or not)?

Q2: Speech - Ethos
Hayomo is a very influential woman, but she's lived out her career in secret. Within the speech, she attempts to get the people to trust her. What lines struck you as making you trust her and do you think she's as trustworthy as she claims to be?

Rating: R - INCOMING! F-BOMBS AHEAD! (Should you want to opt out of reviewing a chapter PRIVATE MESSAGE the MODERATORS! (DawnStarling) not the author, include your reasons.) 

Winning Comment: I've been rigorously trained in the art of rhetoric since I was twelve (thank you, private education), and I've learned loads of things. But it's all kind of dependent upon the person making the speech. Since I don't know the ins and outs of the character, I'm just gonna point out some weak points that I would fix. I'll keep in mind your emphasis on pathos and ethos as well.

The address to the crowd should've been first. I would state the second and third sentences, then the first sentence - "I come here... You may not know me... I know..." Keep in mind that a healthy balance of content, delivery, and structure is what makes a good speech. That means organizing things in a different way can have a huge impact on the end result.

Also, be consistent with tense shifts. Repetition is key in this regard. "I lived, breathed, and bled" is past tense, but it's much more effective if written "I've lived, I've breathed, I've bled..." You also might think about inserting specifics in between each of those to make the message dig deep.

In the end, I'd suggest omitting "the time has finally come to tell you..." Instead, you could say something like this:

"But things are changing. This is our moment. This is our time..." The "but" allows a shift to keep the reader/listener engaged and anticipating something different. That avoids boring them to death.

If you want to make it even more powerful, explain what it is they'll do in this time. So, "this is our time to..."

Little adjustments like this can be very influential in regards to pathos. Ethos, on the other hand, will be rooted more in content.

I hope this helped! Of course, I'm under the assumption that you want this speech to be good. But if it's the other way around, then just do the opposite of all my suggestions. Lol. :)

Well, shit! That ending was pretty crazy! I loved it.

*Deep sigh* So, this speech... I'll be honest, it wasn't as stimulating as I'd like it to be. I might be biased, though, because I go to a private school that thrives of off torturing its students with rhetoric, so I have a lot of practice in this area. I'm very well-acquainted with this subject and it's like programming for me to analyze speeches like this. That's why I'm gonna break your rule again and talk about both pathos and ethos because I just can't help myself. Lol, sorry! Seriously, my review would end up talking about both even if I tried not to. Also, I'm a badass rebel, so...

Overall, it was good. Content-wise, you've got pathos down perfectly. The structure could've been rearranged to really pack some extra punch, but it served its purpose well enough. The language of the speech was bolstered entirely by pathos, but I sense a motive behind it, which brings me to....

Ethos! Well, here's my problem. Obviously, I have no background with the character, so I'm sorry if I've completely miscalculated her from this. There's a severe lack of ethos, in my opinion, and that's because I think she's trying to trick the people. She's using ethos in her speech with the whole 'comrades trust' thing, but it seems like she's lying. It's like a plea almost, she needs their trust, but she's making them think that they need her protection. Right? I'll admit, I got some hints from your MC being disgruntled about her stealing the spotlight. But based on the words themselves, it was like she was trying too hard. It's very Brutus, if you ask me. And we all know that Mark Antony won that rap battle. Lol.

I guess my answer kind of depends on what result you're looking for. Is this supposed to be a successful speech or an unsuccessful one? To me, it wasn't amazing, although, it did have its moments. I think she tries too hard to get the public to trust her, and that's where it begins to crumble.

Don't get me wrong, it was a solid speech. Very effective for a particular audience, to which I probably don't belong. This is just me analyzing it with my highly trained eye.

The chapter as a whole, I loved! Great work. Crazy ending, as I said before. Can't wait to continue. :)

~ Katy

Network with this winner: Katycage

1st runner up: ZonderZorg

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson & Kieran_grace

Final Author's Note: WHEW. Only 650 comments on this one. Seems like a walk in the park after the behemoth I clawed my way through last time.

Katycage - YES. Your first in-line, I had to include it here only because it's what got me to re-write the entire speech. That's right! I scrapped 90% of it and have made what I think is more riveting. AND shorter (the most frequent juice added for the speech). Thank you so much for your critical eye on this.

ZonderZorg- Your experience, while definitely different than what I've got happening on ARC10, has got me re-thinking some of Janika's choices as a commanding officer. Your words are helping me shape this chapter, and the ones I'm currently writing in book 2. So THANK YOU!

AhsokaJackson- I had to give this to you because your perseverance in catching all of my botched up action beats is more than noteworthy. It's heroic.

Kieran_grace- You had such a perfect breakdown of many of the speech's lines, I had to include you in here. Most reviewers chose to focus on the ethos over the pathos, so your in-depth analysis really helped me figure out which lines to keep and which to chuck. Thank you!

Haha, I'm so surprised by how many people related to the thoughts Janika had about her bed.

Also, Knuckles. <3 No one loves anything about this story more than they love Knuckles.

Onto the next one!

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Author #3: LLMontez

Specified Chapter: 30

Summary Thus Far in Book: There are a few places where I have you skip around. Basically:
●The drugged ten are detained—absolutely CocoPuffs, all of them
●Janika never gets her chance to tell Simon or Dean she loves them—it's too late and ARC10 launches
●Warren has ALWAYS hated Janika because he thinks his son is flushing his life down the toilet while pursuing her. As Dean is the only remaining family Warren has left, he's very protective of his son. Neither Janika nor Warren are afraid to show their blatant animosity towards each other. Hilarity ensues
●Janika and Dean tried many times to conceive, but when she was labeled barren, she thought all chances of motherhood were gone. She was surprised to find that she actually had gotten pregnant, but there's a major chance it's Kia's. This information would crush Dean, so Janika has decided to keep the whole thing a secret until she can figure out what to do. The only one who knows is Knuckles, the zany inventor of the PAHLM (communication device attached to their hands).

Author's Note: Questions: Pick ONE of the two to answer and please complete the meta-analysis as outlined above.

Q1: Death?
When ARC10 is hit by the Invaders, a lot of turbulence happens. Does this scene adequately give off the feeling that there's a chance ARC10 might not survive this ordeal—what can be changed to make the scene more intense?

Q2: Decision
At the very end of the chapter, Janika makes a decision about the direction her life is going to go. Does this scene slow down the chapter with all her internal monologuing—if so, what can you suggest to move the chapter along faster while still helping her examine the difficult road ahead?

Rating: R - F-bombardment *TRIGGER WARNING* AbortionI understand if you don't want to read based on this, but please, if you're going to send me angry mail in flaming poop-bags,I ask that you read the entire chapter first so you're fully informed when you come over to yell. <3 Thanks! (Should you want to opt out of reviewing a chapter PRIVATE MESSAGE the MODERATORS! (DawnStarling) not the author, include your reasons.) 

Winning Comment: PrairieCreek: Q2: I'm really torn about the ending. I didn't mind the internal monologuing, and the slower pace helps bring us down from the near-death experience, the rash decision-making, and the roller coaster ride going from depths of despair to relief/elation/determination. On the other hand, I wanted more of a cliffhanger. Something that makes me go WTF just as the book ends, making me scream, "Why isn't the sequel out yet?!" 😆

This ends the book on a quiet note, which is what I'd want for the final book in the series. Here, it's more of a fizzle than a sizzle. Don't get me wrong, I still want to read more! 😁

And I have more to say, but had to post this before the NBR deadline. 😌

LL Montez: INTERESTING.

Fizzle more than sizzle? Please! Explain more.

PrairieCreek: You are on to something.

It reminds me of the 1990s-era show Babylon 5. There was a dark, shadowy menace slowly building in the first few seasons, and our heroes were trying to figure out who/what they were and how to combat them. They searched the galaxies for reinforcements, finding both ancient and new species to bring to their alliance.

Everything was building towards this epic battle between good and evil--and then the dark force stood down and decided they'd leave the galaxy.

Of course, in real life, this is the best thing hoped for. But in a story, not so much. I was all revved up for an epic battle, only to be let down by a negotiated peace deal. I never did watch the next and final season. (I hope to get to it one day.)

I guess that's how I feel with your ending. It's on a positive, hopeful note...just not what I was expecting or wanting. Maybe stick in an epilogue? Something from Dean's POV, or Hayomo's that hints of darkness to come? Or make it from the Xani's POV. LOL.

Network with this winner: PrairieCreek

1st runner up: FanyPi

2nd runner up: MinaParkes

Final Author's Note: WOAH. That was an exhausting chapter to run through with all of you, but only because I spent a majority of the time ducking all those hearts, thumbs, and miscellaneous emoji that came whizzing past my head. Thank you!!!! ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Honestly, when sending this scene to Dawn, I was SO hesitant. I didn't know the kind of reaction it would receive and trust me, I'm genuinely grateful you all kept with me until the end. The scene was challenging in many ways, but especially trying to evoke the right remorse was one of the toughest things I've ever had to do with Janika.

PrairieCreek- You hit it. You absolutely got exactly what I needed to hear. It seems so simple when you put it the way you did, but you're right. There's a grand expectation there and I did not follow through. THANK YOU for pointing that out. A massive overhaul will be on the horizon. Who will be lost in the cross-fire? Who knows...

Fanypi-You had two comments that were incredibly powerful and will impact the edits in a major way. You told me to exaggerate. I don't do that in this chapter. Not at all. But it needs to happen. You also alerted me to Warren's wimpy departure and how it needs not only juice, but beef. This could be better.

- Your comments are always so helpful and specific, but here in particular, I really needed to hear your thoughts on juicing up the battle scene. You're absolutely right and this ties in exactly with what @PrairieCreek pointed out. YES! I have my answer!

Wonderful NBR fam, this has been a blast and a half and I'm so happy to be your wonderful reigning champion (it's only now starting to go to my head). I am so grateful for each and every one of you and for the wonderful team of @Dawnstarling et al. This has been incredible. So incredible.

I can't wait to come back and spotlight book 2... whenever that mess actually gets written.

Love you all.

-L

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Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!