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Announcement:

* NBR Enforcers (leah_tee and writervid) will be conducting a mandatory Comment Cleanse this round with the assumption that everyone has or is currently completing the Round 85 - 86 Homework Assignment. Details about this mandatory homework assignment can be found in round 85. During Comment Cleanse, Enforcers will police ALL reviews. Enforcers will look for:

1) Overly critical reviews without careful consideration of tone and delivery

2) Reviews lacking in details to support opinions

3) Reviews lacking insightful and deep, thorough analysis of authors' chapter

If Enforcers ask you follow up questions about your review, you MUST reply back. Comment Cleanse typically happens twice (or more if necessary) a year as a way to ensure we upkeep the culture and quality set forth by the Board. It also ensures that the NBR community continues to be a safe haven for aspiring writers. BTW, our Enforcers are super nice. Follow them, get to know them and thank them because your experience would be far less spectacular without them.

* The voting period for the Battle of the Chapters (round 2) is almost over! The last day to cast your vote for the MOST VILE VILLAIN is June 3rd. Please head on over to the round and vote, vote, vote!

Commenting time frame (CST): May 26 - June 4

Moderator: dawnstarling "If it rained spaghetti, I'd be happy forever."

Comment Topic: Dialogue can reveal a lot about our characters' traits and personalities. Mention one dialogue in the chapter that you feel sums up the Protagonist's character. How so?

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Author #1: wandwsawday

Book Title: The Haunting of Kaleb Bell

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: We're both incredibly excited for this opportunity! Joining NBR and meeting so many other talented writers has been incredible. Reading everyone's stories and comments has been an enlightening experience, and we can't wait to read your thoughts on our work.

Q1: What are your thoughts on the opening dream sequence?

Q2: This chapter is aimed at introducing the reader to the main character, Kaleb, and his two closest friends. Did you find that you got a good sense of who these characters are?

Q3: Since it's the first chapter, we have to ask: Do you find the characters, setting, plot engaging? (Don't feel obligated to answer for all of them; maybe just note if you feel that one is lacking in particular)

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome!

Genre: Science-Fiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: 

Gentlemen! It has been an absolute privilege finally getting to read your work and... yeah, I'm not even going to discuss how you can write as beautifully as this and still find merit in my chicken scratch over in ARC10. I'm boggled by this and will forever be tickled that you are actually reading and enjoying my work because obviously, you have a much higher literary caliber than the average bear.

But I didn't come here to talk about my shock and awe. I came here to talk about the two of you and your piece of work that has blown apart my brain walls. I'm still bent over and scrambling to pick up all the pieces. These pieces are tiny and hard to find because not only was there one massive explosion, but three consecutive blasts that threw me right out of my seat.

Blast 1: Prose

I'm going to go into this more when I talk about the dream sequence, but I have to just start this whole thing off by saying it took me three whole days to figure out which other author your writing reminds me of.

THREE DAYS.

I knew it was someone I'd studied, not taught, and I knew it was someone who was recent and had a modernist/postmodernist magnetism to it (in which your narrative prose has similar qualities). And I finally remembered last night while I was wiping down my kitchen counters.

Naked Lunch.

Your prose reminds me a lot of William S. Burroughs' Naked Lunch. Obviously, this happens mostly in the dream sequence as the postmodernist current spikes hard in there. Especially in the fragmentation of the style. I noted many times that you used fragments to establish tone and imagery. This is a lot like Burroughs when he interjects little bits of his voice through his narrative. There's also a transcendence from reality that you highlight in that dream sequence. Things are not what they seem.

Ok, I just wanted to identify it here because BOOM.

Blast 2: VoiceYour voices are one of the clearest and best parts about your chapter. I think I like them so much because they're so obvious and transparent. There's no second guessing or incorrectly assuming who's speaking. Each is so distinct, it's perfect. Kaleb's short, direct, hard-boiled dialogue paints the picture of a jaded man blinking his way through a rough existence. Vlad's more jaunty, playful dialogue plays a great contrast to Kaleb's, making them an incredibly dynamic team. And Jameson. Oh, Jameson, my favorite voice of the three. If I could focus my CT on his, I absolutely would. The way you've created his character (with much dignity - something to which I appreciate and applaud) is magnificent. His voice, with the constantly repeated full names and the innocent joy in slightly nefarious affairs, is an unexpected addition to their trifecta. Jameson, so far, is my favorite character. I have a very nervous feeling about him, though. With his unabashed loyalty to Vlad, who is making him an accomplice in his more illicit adventures, and his physical handicap, I'm afraid something tragic is going to happen. I want to be so wrong.Guess I'm going to have to read the whole thing and find out... aw, oh no. so sad. ;) BOOM Blast 3: Cover FREAKING AMAZING. It's reminiscent of the old movie posters of the fifties with a hint of steampunk and a heaping dose of sci-fi. How did you come upon the creation of such a brilliant piece of art!? BOOM Ok, now that all the brain pieces are collected, let's begin, shall we? CT: Protagonist Dialogue (Parts 1 and 2) I'm just going to remind you that I commented in-line for the CT. Both are near the top when Vlad comes in to see Kaleb after the dream sequence and are attached to the following lines: Kaleb shrugged. and "Everyone has a job, Vlad." Hopefully they make sense. I hate dangling important in-line comments because I know how easy it is for them to get lost in the mosh pit.Q1: Dream sequenceI know you've probably had a few different thoughts about the dream sequence, so I'm here to add even more noise to the confusion—I LOVE IT.Honestly, I know there are some that say it's a bad idea, that it's too lofty (I think those were my own words), that it's too dense, or that it's too nebulous, but I believe that if massaged a bit, we can smooth out some of the tougher parts and use it as a major asset as opposed to a muddy field that readers need to "get through" in order to make it to the really amazing storytelling you do later on. There are so many benefits to this dream sequence and I think it's very close to being what could be a major hook. It will get your audience sucked into the "what could be" of your story. I made a few observations while reading it over: -It's made of lines of imagery. There's no action that moves the sequence along-The images are dark and desolate-You have a few fragments that carry heavy tone-You use confusion almost like a device-It's in the present tense-The language is gorgeous-There are parts of Kaleb's thoughts smattered through the end, but for the most part, he seems detached from the scene-We are told the thoughts of the townspeople "are too awed by the marvel that is the conveyance belt to consider where it's leading them". It would seem that this takes us out of the perspective of the dreamer. This happens a few times-There is a very ambiguous transition between dream and waking (which could work—we'll talk about this in a bit)As it is, I don't think the dream sequence is as strong as it could be. Like I mentioned earlier, it's very Tale of Two Cities which is both awesome and troublesome. Awesome because it's f'ckn Dickens. Troublesome because back in Victorian England, there was NOTHING ELSE going on so if you wanted to be entertained, you either strapped on your muck boots and waded through his epic and heavy descriptors, or you went to stare at the street sweepers for another two hours. I HATE saying this, but Dickens was allowed to be heavy because he had already 20+ years to capture his audience. With that being said: Is this your debut? If it is... *jaw drops* Debut authors have such a hard job ahead of them. They have to push and shove their way through the clamoring of other debutants to be heard. They have to make their work both beautiful AND gripping enough to grab the attention of an audience that might, if they're lucky, be more than the handful of their friends and family. At 1.2K reads and 200 votes, you're already ahead of the game. By the looks of the NBR fam, you've already established a following of people who think you two are absolutely brilliant. So now all we have to do is build out your net a bit so it casts a wider reach when we throw it out to the sea. As always, this is just my humble little opinion. You're free to steal what you like, ignore what you don't, and scoff at everything that seems perfectly ridiculous. Because trust me, I've had some ridiculous sh!t come out over the years. Dream Suggestions: 1. Exposition: The purpose of exposition is to set the following elements of a story-*Tone*Setting*Character*Major conflict

Your chapter does some of these. Just because we are in the main character's dream doesn't mean we can't have excellent exposition at the same time. No one knows the conflict of this story like the protagonist. Even if he doesn't know all the details yet, he's still aware of the major issues plaguing his life. In your dream sequence, you establish KILLER tone. Nice. You need to keep this element strong. Your setting is also a fabulous part of the dream sequence, but what I recommend (as noted in the in-lines) is clarifying your images. Your setting is one of the most important parts you build here. Give us a clear image to see rather than just beautiful language to caress us. Your prose should be beautiful and purposeful. Unlike a trophy wife, your words have a job to do—and it's more than to just sit around and look pretty. Create these CLEAR pictures so we can perfectly see what Kaleb sees, no matter how bizarre it is.

Speaking of Kaleb, in dreams, how many times have either of you narrated your own dream? It seems strange, right? At least when I dream, there's a third person camera following me around like I'm the star of my own dreams. It may be me, it may not be me, or it may be me evolving into different versions of me, but the point is that I'm always front and center (... Envelope yourself in your own narcissism much, Lydia?) I was surprised to find this was a dream because Kaleb was like a backseat observer to what was going on. In dreams, sure we have dreamscapes that are unbelievable and unrealistic, but we are always the navigator, captain, and co-pilot of these journeys. I think we need to see more Kaleb. I want to see him pick up the petals or sit in the dead tree or try to talk to the other engineers while they thumb out their own eyes. Make this haunting for us because someone is EXPERIENCING it. Otherwise, we could look at a painting and get the same response. Readers want to be involved in the action.

2. Syntax - Your prose in the dream is a mixed bag of fragments and complicated, descriptive sentences that paint a dismal picture. You play around with poetic prose here and while I'm ALL ABOUT that, especially in dream sequences, I have to say that the first few paragraphs of a novel may not be the best place to put this. This is a dream. There are definitely places to experiment with prose and perspective. Like I tried in my work and which you so BEAUTIFULLY explained to me, it's ok to switch perspectives and get a little crazy for the introduction. What I think needs to be done here is to focus on the images being the craziest part of the narrative. OR, play around with the formatting and line breaks. I think the idea behind what you did is good, but I think the execution needs to come across more clearly. Clarity being the big takeaway I'm hoping you pull from this whole review. 3. Transition - Ok, this is the part that I had the hardest time with, actually. I had to go back and read a few times that he had woken up. I see what you were doing. Sometimes it's just like that when we're really waking up—there's a slow fade to reality where dream meshes with what's really in your face. Again, I think this could be sharpened so that we can know there's a switch. It can be a quick switch and here's one suggestion in which I thought might make this clear: If you chose to really play around with your formatting and syntax and perspective in the dream, make it crazy and weird, and absolutely out of this world different than the narration style for when Kaleb is awake.If you have two totally different styles of narration for the dream and for the wakefulness, then you can use the one image of the skull to transition Kaleb between dream and reality. I think it has to be something bigger and stronger than your present to past tense switch. As noted in a lot of the NBR reviews, many people thought it was an error. That's not what you want. You want to make sure that there is a deliberate and almost obnoxiously obvious shift. I can't tell you how to do this exactly because this is your story and your style, but I just want to pass that nut along for you to figure out how to crack. WHEW - ok. Now, onto something new. The characters <3!!!! Q2: Characters I'm not going to spend much time here because I LOVE your characters. You did an excellent job building them and establishing their personalities. Jameson? Love him. Vlad? Absolutely love him (for many reasons *wink*). Like I said previously, I think Kaleb needs to grow on us more. We need some more quirks that show us his true personality. You've brought Vlad and Jameson out swinging, so your protagonist really needs to step up his game early on. But even if you choose to just do a little more, your readers are already so engaged by Vlad and Jameson, you aren't going to notice any losses. Q3: Engagement You've got me hooked. The beginning dragged me around a bit, but by the time Vlad shows up, things begin to speed up. The dialogue is what revitalized the interest. You've got some great conversation in there and some hard-hitting characters to top it all off. YES! We're engaged. And that cliffhanger? Golden, gentlemen. It's golden. Ok, hopefully you found some good stuff in here to pick out. I'm so excited to see where Kaleb, Vlad, and Jameson are going and can't wait to keep reading (when I finally have a few minutes to get through all the books I promised to sit down and plow through this summer) *adds Haunting of Kaleb Bell to the pile*. Happy Edits!

Network With This Winner: LLMontez

First Runner Up: redtoadmedia

Second Runner up: MinaParkes

Final Author's Note: Hey everyone! Whew, what a week. We seriously can't thank you all enough for the amazing feedback; it was an incredible experience. We'd just like to start off by thanking each and every one of you – without exception – for giving our story such a close and in-depth read. It isn't the easiest chapter to read. We know that our story begins with a big writing no-no—a dream. It would be so easy for a reader to simply flag that and say "don't do this." Instead, all of you took the time to read through it and cite specific moments from the dream that either were or weren't working. That kind of feedback is absolutely invaluable, and it's going to help us so much when we go through revisions.

As far as picking specific winners goes, it might sound cliché at this point, but it really truly is an impossible task. The reason we picked these three is because, frankly, they went way above and beyond the call of duty. They not only provided incredibly helpful advice about our story, but we learned a lot from them about how we can be better reviewers ourselves. We wanted to just briefly share a few of the new reviewing techniques we learned from them: 1) comparing our story/writing to another author. This is not only flattering on a personal level, but it's also really useful because we can use that information to improve upon our own writing. By studying those writers, we can look for ways to better tell our story. 2) Expanding a review beyond the questions the author asks. Obviously, you want to use some discretion here, but we really appreciated feedback on things like our cover, our blurb, and any number of other items that we could be doing better. This might be particularly valuable for a first chapter, because the first chapter is all about first impressions, and at that stage, every little bit of advice counts. 3) Otherworldly attention to detail. Reading with a critical eye is a really tough thing to do. These three reviewers have this skill in spades. The level of analysis they provided was unbelievable, and we hope to someday get on their level.

We chose LLMontez because she did all of the above. Just read that review! She cited numerous spots for improvement, and backed all of them up with well-reasoned analysis. She flagged other writers for us to study and learn from. She provided so much for us to think about, all of which will help to make our story stronger. We can't thank her enough.

Redtoadmedia not only provided extremely useful feedback for our questions, but she took the time to offer incredible advice regarding our cover, our blurb, and a variety of other things that we simply can't thank her enough for. We were blown away by her willingness to help us out. We are not worthy. It meant the world to us.

MinaParks demonstrated an incredibly keen eye. Her analysis of the dream was super useful. She also went into incredible detail about the characters, and how she saw them. Her analysis of Kaleb, in particular, was spot on. She picked up on so much about Kaleb's character that we were hoping to convey in this chapter that...yeah. We just really appreciated it.

The list could go on and on. This is such an amazing community, and both of us are so thankful to be a part of it. Thank you DawnStarling and the entire #NBR team for providing this platform, and thank YOU, all you amazing reviewers, for making #NBR such an amazing place.

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Author #2 [NBR Board - Ad-Hoc Enforcer]: Ashanina

Book Title: Shattered Line

Specified Chapter: Chapter 11: Reunited

Summary Thus Far in Book: Both Isla and Rydin venture to Arcadia, a world known for its magic and opposition against the Gods. They both have different reasons for traveling there. In order to gain access to the magic text archive, both need to confirm they can use magic. Isla releases the seal on her soul (which produces aura allowing one to use magic), this lets the sight-seers a look at her soul, which confirms she's a God based on the color. She had her suspicions of her birth race, but was never certain, but now they confirmed her idea which leads to the current predicament.

Author's Note: Hi everyone, I'm happy to be back in the spotlight. I've spotlighted this book several times, so some of you probably remember the previous chapters. Both times, I gained a wealth of responses that I'm still using to change the plot sequence that occurs prior to this. Without a doubt, I'm sure I'll achieve the same success this time, onto the questions!

1. This is the first appearance for Rein and thus I need to know what the readers think of him, character and personality wise, how do you see him?

2. Isla isn't normally rich in emotions, she tends to hold a lot back because of her past tribulations. So mainly I want to know, is there an apparent difference in the overall feel from the flashback to her current relationship with Rein?

3. Does the sequence of flashbacks for showing Rein and Isla's relationship work?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: 

Hello there! I'll start with the CT and go through your questions.CT: Dialogue in this chapter was strong for each character, but pretty sparse. I also was a little confused by the choice of dialogue wording--is this a medieval-esque setting, or more modern? Maybe an amalgamation of the two? In any case, phrases like "Scram"--Get lost"--"...what's the problem?"--"...buy me lunch..."--all sort of stood out to me because I was picturing a medieval/fantasy setting, especially since some of the other dialogue had an 'Olden' ring to it. If this was intentional, then it's fine, I just found it a little disconcerting. I think Isla is a taciturn character, at least in this chapter, so her lines are mostly monosyllabic and terse. I think Isla was summed up more by her thoughts/body language than her words, but when she said, "You only help to gain something in return, does that make you any better?", I got a good sense of her as a character. She's tough, self-sufficient and scared of being harmed, has a past she learned hard lessons from. She's got major trust issues, as you hammered home throughout this chapter, but a soft side too. Also, she's a badass warrior (goddess?) lady and that's always a winner for me ;)

Q1): I see Rein as sort of a typical hunky guy, but with the striking blue hair/eyes. He's got a sardonic sense of humor and a certain patronizing chivalry, which I found made me want to pepper-spray him just to wipe the smirk off his face...Sorry. Moving on.Clearly, he likes Isla, and she likes him. Not exactly sure why, because the flashback sort of skimmed over their friendship. I'm guessing he sees her vulnerable side, and wants to help her? I'm also getting a romance vibe, but I could be wrong. All in all, sardonic, quip-ey, but sort of steady, brave, and, like I said, irritatingly chivalrous. One of those lovable rogue types. I would not have bought him lunch. Hurumph, damsel indeed...ReplyQ2): I did get a sense she feels more vulnerable around him now, and is more inclined to lean on him for support. She seems to care what he thinks a great deal, which is in stark contrast to their first meeting. I would say there is certainly a sense that they now have a rich history, sort of a blend of bitter/sweet. However, this wasn't very clear in the way the flashback was presented--I have no clue how she came to feel this way. Did he wear her down with quips and sexist jibes? Did he flirt her into submission? Did they learn to cooperate, to be honest, to trust one another? Like I said, I've no clue, but the difference is there for sure.

Q3): I am a fan of flashback. Love 'em. Use them all the time. This one was great, but I feel the transition to and from was a bit awkward. That, coupled with a rather rush-job of 'telling'; how they came to trust one another without any real context or specific example, made this flashback feel slightly convoluted. I think it would be strengthened by making it its own chapter, and dwelling a little more on how Isla & Rein grow so close. One or two anecdotes of their journey, a glimpse of their bond forming over shared campfire meals and perilous situations. You cover my back, I'll cover yours. We make a good team. I really, reaaallly wanted a peak, just a teensy-weensy peak of their life together on that journey, of their last parting, of their final words. I think that would have enriched my experience much more, and provided the context necessary for understanding their present relationship. This was a great glimpse of your MC. Wonderful emotion, movement and intensity throughout. I just feel it could be all the more revealing with some choice morsels of info sprinkled into eh mix. Well, that's all for me! Please let me know if you have any questions, or if I was at all unclear. ~Faera

Network With This Winner: FayLane

First Runner Up: field19

Second Runner Up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: Thank you for all the wonderful feedback! I received a great deal of input on the flashback which will help when I go to fix this chapter. Also, the remarks made on Rein's character makes me quite happy. For me, the greatest reward is knowing that the characters I create are correctly represented by my words. I find one of my greatest flaws in writing is being unable to correctly word things so others understand. Thanks to everyone I know that the way Rein is written comes off the way I wish. So again, thank you.

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Author #3: kieran_grace

Book Title:The End of Innocence

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Hi, everyone, I'm so excited that I've finally been given the opportunity to spotlight a chapter! I want to thank dawn starling and the other admins for doing all of this, and mamoritai for telling me about NBR. I have been in the editing stage of this novel for about 10 months now, and my goal is to someday publish it, though I realize it still needs a lot of work. Anyways, I'm really excited to see what you all have to say about it!

1)A lot of people have told me that they don't like how I introduce multiple points of view in this chapter; however, that is essential to the style of this book. I would really like to hear your thoughts on this and how it can be made less confusing for the reader. Are the characters unique enough or is there something that would make it easier to remember the difference between them?

2) I would like to know what your thoughts are on the chapter's voice. What kind of mood/feel did this chapter give you?

3) Would you continue reading this book, and why or why not?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Teen Fiction

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: The End of Innocence (Chapter 1)

Part 1/11

Author: kieran_grace

ROUND 86 COMMENT TOPIC: Dialogue can reveal a lot about our characters' traits and personalities. Mention one dialogue in the chapter that you feel sums up the Protagonist's character. How so?

"Who cares what that weirdo does? She probably wanted to look like she has friends."

That line is basically a demonstration of what is said of Serena in the blurb. She is very prompt to go after Clare negatively and to speak in a way that inclines towards planting seeds of doubt and mistrust towards the girl and her motives.

Author's Questions:

Hello, Kieran! I hope you are doing good today. Now, let's get on with the questions.

1) A lot of people have told me that they don't like how I introduce multiple points of view in this chapter; however, that is essential to the style of this book. I would really like to hear your thoughts on this and how it can be made less confusing for the reader. Are the characters unique enough or is there something that would make it easier to remember the difference between them?

Well, Clare and Emma came off as pretty distinct themselves. However I found that Adelia seemed to get lost in the mix, and I really couldn't get any clear sense of her or her personality, and what her primary traits are. She seemed very vague and amorphous, although perhaps that's sort of how she was intended to be—someone who just fades into the background?

In any case, I do feel like, in this chapter at least, it would probably help to make her a more distinct character. I was able to distinguish between the POVs due to the markers between the sections, but Adelia felt like one of those immediately forgettable types, honestly.

2) I would like to know what your thoughts are on the chapter's voice. What kind of mood/feel did this chapter give you?

I think "ominous" is the best way to describe the feel, especially towards the end, but really throughout the chapter. There's a constant sense of tension, and I think it works well and keeps you on edge. It's like when the sky changes and you can feel the wind picking up, prior to a storm.

3) Would you continue reading this book, and why or why not?

Based on this chapter plus bits I've read from the other chapters, almost certainly not.

It would be one thing if it were about simply relating some of the troubles of or humanizing people with issues like Clare's, rather than trying to promote the lifestyle.

However, based on what I've read in this chapter and excerpts of your others, it seems apparent that you're instead trying to justify, promote, normalize, and glamorize her and similar sexual behavior and choices, and act like she's (and others like her) a victim who's entitled to selfishly get her rocks off or indulge her emotional desires, things like logic, morality, and actual physical and mental wellbeing be darned.

It's especially concerning for me when one considers Wattpad's often young and blatantly immature readers who'll likely be swayed by all that, because it appeals to ever-popular philosophies like "But I waaant it!" and "How dare you say 'no' to something I want or expect me to say 'no' to it myself! You're mean and clearly must hate me!"

Cue all the shallow, pseudo-noble tossing around of buzzwords and inconsistent one-liners.

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Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start:

(Refresher on my editing approach)

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. (Ps. There are times where I'll simply show the unrevised version of a sentence or passage, and note my recommendations, but leave it to the author to determine how to revise it).

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse and direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

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First: In the wealthy town of Altenview, a girl named Serena Shields has caused problems for many by constantly putting them down. There's Emma, her next-door neighbor, who has been an outcast all her life. There's the new girl, Clare, who has a big secret that Serena has managed to figure out. Even Serena's closest friends are beginning to feel like Serena gets everything, leaving nothing for her.

When Serena's friends begin to notice erratic changes in her behavior, they have to wonder if something is going on with her. She's not as talkative as usual, she's strangely needy, and she even has begun to start crying at the drop of a hat.

One night, Altenview is faced with a terrible accident--a disappearance, and the second one this year. When one of the sweetest girls in town is accused of murder, a group of teens come together to find out what really happened that night. But in their search for answers, many dangerous secrets will be uncovered, changing everything they thought they knew about each other. [Okay, there are a number of issues I'm seeing here with the blurb. One is that it feels a bit too long—or more to the point, that it reveals too much information. And the problem with this is that it's more than simply superfluous; it also can reduce the enjoyment of the story itself, because it essentially functions as a spoiler. This can be true even if the information revealed isn't considered earthshaking or a secret; it's still best to get the info from actually reading the story rather than the blurb.

Another issue—and one that ties in closely with the first one—is the fact that it feels disorganized, as though there's indecision here about what to focus on.

The first two paragraphs revolve around Serena, her influence, and her change in personality/behavior.

(And the change is one of those things that I think would be better simply seen in the story rather than being revealed ahead of time in the blurb, especially in such detail. If it were more vague and the symptoms weren't so specifically listed, it would likely be less of an issue, or perhaps even not an issue at all.)

And then in the third paragraph we jump to the fact that a disappearance takes place in the town. There's really no sense of connection for me when you read the first two paragraphs and then go on to this one. It feels like an abrupt change in topic and that perhaps it was from another version of the blurb.

With the Serena paragraphs, you get the sense that it's focused on her. But with the third paragraph it instead sounds like it's mainly a group of characters, with far less focus on any individual.

Another issue I have with that third paragraph is the use of the word "accident." You call it an accident, and then specify it as a disappearance. That alone sounds like it's either a contradiction or that you're trying to reveal extra information. And then you talk about an accusation of murder. Again, it feels like we're jumping back and forth between ideas. I think it would work better to call the disappearance an "incident" rather than an "accident." Even if it is eventually revealed in the story to be an accident of some type—for example, someone simply getting lost—that feels like something to find out in the story, not from the blurb itself.

Additionally, there was the hyphen after the word "accident." An em dash is what was needed there, rather than a hyphen. For whatever reason, Wattpad's formatting doesn't like having standard em dashes in blurbs, so it'll have to be the double-hyphen em dash substitute--like so.

Here's a link that discusses hyphens, em dashes, and en dashes. It even has a brief quiz and answer set at the bottom for a quick self-administered test.

Also, it's worth noting that there was a second issue with the hyphen usage. When using an em dash, no space goes between it and the words on either side of it. Example sentences:

Of course—despite knowing better—she insisted that she be allowed to selfishly and blindly pursue her desires. What's more, she actually made us out to be the villains—for the awful crime of having higher standards of conduct.

For the record, there are indeed certain exceptions to the spacing rule—like in the case of newspapers—but those are not relevant to what you're writing here.]

Finally, there's this particular line:

Even Serena's closest friends are beginning to feel like Serena gets everything, leaving nothing for her.

It's not clear to me what this even means—she gets everything and leaves nothing for them. What is she getting that they're not? Also, there seems to be some possible grammatical inconsistency here—you talk about her friends, plural, but then say she leaves nothing for "her." That should be "nothing for them," yes? Or did you intend to write the singular form of "friend" instead? Also, that sentence doesn't quite flow well with the prior two; it doesn't feel like it belongs with them.]

Next: Far off, away from the reliable world you live in, there is a tiny New England town called Altenview—a town that does things a little differently. [Changed hyphen after "Altenview" to an em dash instead.]

Next: For one thing, Altenview is far smaller than a typical suburban town, with only has one of everything—one restaurant, one high school, one bank. Everybody knows everybody else, and everybody wants to be better than their neighbors. [Changed the hyphen between "everything" & "one" to an em dash instead.]

Next: But it only takes a moment for Serena to say something. "What's wrong, Ads?" she asks, taking a sip from her diet Coke. Adelia badly wants to spill it all out, but she can see that Serena is too focused on the lacrosse players at the next table to actually listen to her friend. [Changed "listent" to "listen" and "lacross" to "lacrosse."]

Next: "Hey!" Liam calls again, and Emma puts her head in her hands. Out of all the people in this town, why is Liam Vega the one who's suddenly willing to talk to her?

Emma scowls, but nods to him, letting him take the seat across from her. She can feel herself shrinking as if becoming smaller would make her disappear.

She's never been this close to Liam before, even though she's known him for nearly her entire life. His eyes are bright and green, his jaw chiseled, and there's a look on his face that says he knows something he isn't supposed to know. Suddenly, she's not sure how much she minds his being here. There's something magical about him, something in the air around her that makes her open her eyes a little more.

[This section seems too back-and-forth to me in terms of Emma's thoughts and reactions. It initially seems as though Liam rarely interacts with her, because the way she reacts seems to suggest that she wasn't expecting him to and that it feels like a cruel coincidence that he would have to be the one person to come around for once.

But then it says that she's known him for nearly her entire life. If that's the case it sounds odd that she finds it so unlikely he would talk to her, and also that she's so uncomfortable around him and has never been this close to him before. He's simply taking a seat across from hers, and she's never been that close?

And if you meant that she knew him from somehow being mistreated by or having had some awful incident with him, her reactions would be a bit more understandable, although I feel that the line about her knowing him still gives us the wrong sense.

However, the fact that she then switches so quickly to finding him magnetic and then thinking maybe it isn't so bad that he's around—that fact indicates that there is no big, traumatic history there to explain her relationship to him.

What's more, how is it that she's known him all this time but only just now seems to notice anything appealing about him?

This girl really feels all over the map in terms of her reactions and behavior here, and I just found it to be puzzling and inconsistent in feel, like you had several different, divergent back stories here for their relationship and couldn't choose between them so just threw everything in there, and they are contradicting each other.]

Next: Liam grins, and there's something so powerful about the way his face changes with it that Emma feels almost afraid of him. She crosses her arms, almost expecting him to start rubbing his hands together the way the villain always does in movies. [Ha, I thought the villain line here was funny. Also, I like that detail about his change in expression. You were able to express that in a way where we also feel unnerved and share in some of Emma's uneasiness.]

Next: By now, the nail polish is floating to the ground in a flurry of red. "Revenge?" Emma asks. "I don't know." [There was a space between "red" and the period afterwards. More importantly, there are the details about her nails. I thought the initial statement about her chipped fingernails and her related fidgeting was a great example of the attention to detail and sensory awareness shown in this chapter:

"Okay," she says, picking at her chipped nails. "Um, why?"

And to a degree, I feel the same way about the second line:

By now, the nail polish is floating to the ground in a flurry of red.

However, I also felt like this line took it a bit too far. The word "flurry" felt like a bit much, because it seems to indicate a considerable amount of flakes falling through the air. She only has so much polish on her nails, and how would she be picking it rapidly enough to create an effect like that?]

Next: As a final editing note, I'd normally talk about proper paragraph separation upon encountering passages like this, where you've shifted from one character to another in separate sentences but without changing paragraphs:

But it only takes a moment for Serena to say something. "What's wrong, Ads?" she asks, taking a sip from her diet Coke. Adelia badly wants to spill it all out, but she can see that Serena is too focused on the lacrosse players at the next table to actually listen to her friend.

However, because of how you're trying to write this book, it seems like that approach is going to be the norm.

I must say, though—moments like that do at times make the book overall come off as less polished and more rookie-like, as well as rushed.

Next: I forget to mention this earlier on, but I was pleasantly surprised by the interactions between Serena and Tanner. With characters like Serena, the setup usually seems to be that you have one Queen Brat at the top, and there's no one at the beginning who will challenge them. But it seems like Serena and Tanner have a shared position—and to some extent rivalry—at the top of the pack, and it seems that Tanner is not only unafraid of Serena but also capable of actually being the one who intimidates her. Reluctantly or not, Serena seems to have to regard Tanner as an equal, and as a member of their social group as well. That's different from the dynamic I'm used to seeing portrayed, and I appreciated the unique twist there. Kudos!

Part 11/11

Summary:

Weaker points:

1. The blurb was rather messy.

2. The character themselves sometimes felt muddled and confusing.

3. I found the moral and logical standpoints presented here with regards to Clare to be weak, misleading, and downright offensive.

Stronger points:

1. Great attention to detail

2. Strong sense of immersion

3. We really have the sense of getting inside the characters' heads

4. Good tension throughout much of the chapter

Well, that's about it. Hopefully my notes and feedback here will be of help to you. Good luck with the revisions!

Network With This Winner: AhsokaJackson

First Runner Up: CatharticNonsense

Second Runner Up: reaweiger

Final Author's Note: Wow! I honestly never expected to get so much feedback. This has helped me so much in my editing of this chapter, and has also helped me in critiquing others because now I know more about what kinds of critiques are the most helpful. I am also so happy to have gained readers. I was surprised by how many people said they would read on, but I am glad that there were people who enjoyed it.

I want to thank Tegan1311,  Riprish, MinaParkes,  FayLane, and mackeywriting for the great inline comments.

From doing this, I have made major changes to the chapter. I removed the introduction and have found a way to work it into the story as a journal entry written by one of the characters. I also changed the POV of the second scene. My chapter has changed so much just from this one week, and I feel like all of you have made such an impact on it. If you want to see the newly edited chapter, I have already posted it in place of the old one.

Thanks to all of you! I can't wait to spotlight and have this experience again. I hope you know how much you all have helped me in my editing journey.

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