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Commenting time frame (CST): April 28 - May 7
Moderator: dawnstarling
Comment Topic: Name the internal and external conflict of the chapter and how well the author developed tension with them.

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Author #1: ZonderZorg

Book Title: Posted As Missing

Specified Chapter: Chapter One

Summary Thus Far in Book: This is the beginning of the book, but it might be appropriate to add some of the historical background in which the story is set. On 1 August 1914, the German Empire declared war on France and Russia, and three days later, they swept into neutral Belgium with the intention of quickly encircling and capturing Paris, causing France to surrender so they could turn and concentrate on the Russian Front. As the German armies swarmed into their country, the Belgians destroyed their own railway bridges and other transportation infrastructure, causing the advance toward Paris to stall as it outran the supply lines. Their stalled positions became the Front Line, and this remained rather stable during more than four years of horrific trench warfare.

When Belgian neutrality was violated on 4 August 1914, the British Empire declared war on Germany and the Austro-Hungarian Empire, bringing Canada and other Commonwealth nations into the conflict. After being recruited and mobilised, undergoing initial training, and being transported to England for further training, the Canadian troops arrived in Belgium in late March 1915, and they were quickly moved to the trenches of Flanders. The opening scene in my story is during the Second Battle of Ypres, forever remembered for the first effective use of chlorine gas in warfare. During the battle, John McCrae penned his poem, In Flanders Fields, marking the beginning of the poppy as a symbol of remembrance.

Author's Note: The envelope images on the cover are taken from my personal collection, and they inspired this story - I used Photoshop to alter the soldier's name and number. He had been posted as missing during the fighting at Ypres, but after evading for a while, he was captured and spent the remainder of the war as a prisoner. My series of novels depicts what might have happened had his evasion been successful.
My research for this series of novels began by taping conversations while sharing drinks with Ypres veterans in the Officers Mess of the British Columbia Regiment shortly after I retired in 1981. I visited the battlefields of Ypres again in 2015 when I began drafting this story, wanting details and impressions to be accurate.

1. Do I capture the setting, the era and the mood of the Ypres battlefield of 1915, and if not, what can I do to improve it?

2. Are David's thoughts and actions credible as his realisations of the situation increasingly grow? Please let me know how I might improve these.

3. Fiction is new to me, having written only nonfiction since I was first published in 1968. I began drafting my first fiction work two years ago, and I'm still learning the craft. My intention here is to build tension as I introduce both the setting and David to my readers. Does this work, and if not, what might I do to improve it?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcomed

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: PG-13

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: And I'm here! Whether or not that's good news is entirely up for debate, but I'm ready and armed with McCrae and Remarque and three hours of grading essays on student analysis of the animal imagery and human nature paradox found in All Quiet on the Western Front. I don't believe I've ever been more primed to critique anything else in my life. Right here, right now, this is happening. I hope you're ready for the happy-train 😁, because it's an express route to your station.

PedanticAndGrumpy I slightly disagree. Dependent on limited or omniscient focus, it's possible to have a stylized view that @Zonderzorg seems to favor here. The limited narrator has more creative liberties than the omniscient as the Ltd can express tone. Since the Ltd perspective is only one character at a time, there's an opportunity to play with what it wants us to see and how it wants us to feel about it.

But I agree with Oli about this line not working. Especially after the academic tone of the first two paragraphs.

I haven't decided what I think about those paragraphs either. I want to see the chapter holistically because they can work! I just don't know if they do.

I'll get back to you on that. As of now, I'm swinging towards Oli.

Respectfully, I disagree with kieran_grace. Sometimes emphasis is necessary. In this case, it fits really well. Especially when waking up from the end of a battle. Your character will be focusing on that silence.

Ha, I'd say, throw in a "Dead silence" just to drive the point home.

Maybe if you didn't have to be so literal all the time, you could use some great figurative language here. ;)

I agree with Riprish- The way this reads now seems like an info-load. But all it seems you need to do is rearrange a bit.

- Giving Conrad's name is unnecessary. I think I saw in a previous comment that you don't bring him up for a long time. Giving us his name is not going to add anything here.

- You flagged me on the "began"s, my friend. I'm going to return the favor here.

- Start with "His thoughts wandered" and change it up to "through old lessons and rambling discussions in the mountains of _______." Then give us a quick piece of tone to establish that this is a peaceful memory.

But I wouldn't focus on this memory for two long. Even just one single, peaceful, vibrant line of imagery to interject in the grim reality of David's situation will help your scene.

Actually, now that I'm thinking about it, Remarque did something similar.

He begins his scene with "It is chilly. I am sentry and stare into the darkness." His character, Paul, ruminates over a summer two years before when he sat in an abandoned cathedral cloister. The scenes begin to parallel when he describes that cathedral as having "a cool darkness that only churches have." Now we can compare the war time to the peace time as he's used cold and darkness to describe both. The purpose of this is to explore his singular thought: "I stand there and wonder whether, when I am twenty, I shall have experienced the bewildering emotions of love."

Here you have similar potential. You can start to build your character so that we realize he's not totally desensitized to the world. It's a flash! Something quick. Draw a parallel from his past to his present using German. Give us words or sensations that connect the two times. Maybe it's the smell of wet earth? Or maybe it's the guttural laughter in the German accent? Then we'll be thrown back with him and it will make us stagger.

Ok, tell me if I'm getting to Lit Crit on you. I live for symbolism.

LIVE FOR IT.

The back and forth between character and narrator is starting to get tedious to wade through. I can't tell which voice is stronger yet. They both seem to be vying for attention. With their alternating placement, it's slowing me down because I have to figure out which voice belongs to which "being".

You know what would be a powerful line? Take out the "Lungs work too". If it's an image of his exhale with a note of relief followed by the "No gas this time" thought, we would be more present for that same moment of joy.

Do you think as he's just coming back into consciousness, he'd register the fact that there are 'stars' before identifying the Milky Way?

His inner thoughts seem like he's narrating his own experiences. It's fluid because you are a prose-smith, but it's clunky because no one thinks like that.

It seems like you want these thoughts to be part of the narration because you give them like they are from a voice-over. They seem above him, as if it's someone else telling us what he could be thinking.

I'm going to propose something:

Let the narrator speak for him. If David has questions or observations, let him speak out loud, but otherwise, give the narrator authority to release these thoughts. How crucial is it that we receive these words directly from him?

Horribly written example:

His face felt like it'd been ripped off. Once he smelled the pit around him, he wished it had been.

"Where the hell am I?"

🚂 Just a suggestion!

I'd break the line here. There's a disconnect between the observation and the panic that deserves space.

Ah! A gerund phrase! I'm not the only one to use those little bastards.

That last line reads a little awkward. Maybe consider revising for cadence?

@ZonderZorg Hahah! Let she who has not sinned cast the first stone.

@zonderzorg EricaSumner13 That is a very slippery slope. I think we've all been there... some more than others 😔

@EricaSumner13 Haha, that's another gerund phrase 💀 you've fallen in here with us and now you're going to be stuck in this shell hole with me, @Zonderzorg, and the other prisoners of this infraction.

It's crowded in here.

@ZonderZorg Maybe since we're stuck in here, I'll finally have a chance to finish your full critique that I have been trying to type up for the past four days. At last! Some uninterrupted peace.

Who got the first punch, him or the gag?

:) I'm just playing with you. Are you having fun yet, @ZonderZorg?

Is he really able to mumble "idiot" coherently if half his face is gone? It's a really complicated word to mouth. I feel like it would sound more like "aaeeeooo" and then he'd be like 'oh shit, my jaw.' The "moved his hand" could have stronger tone by changing "moved". If I were him, I'd begin to panic. Just a bit.

I LOVE this detail though. You're starting to paint the gruesome picture that is our shredded hero.

Interesting, your limited narrator suddenly bumped to omniscient. With the word "unneeded", do you intend to tell us that your narrator knows more about the situation than what it's letting us believe?

I am having such a hard time with the inner monologue. It seems so clear in comparison to the confusion you're trying to explain. Yes, he seems confused about the external elements, but internal, in his head, he's speaking like he wasn't just blasted twenty feet high in No Man's Land (which is where I'm somewhat assuming he is).

He's a chatty one in his head. Maybe less is more?

The point of that previous comment was to actually say this:

Cut the 'Wonder if anyone' question. Have him speak to us. His voice will be louder and more powerful than his thoughts.

We won't know what the hell he's trying to say. More pathos to you.

Ok, here we go! This line of thought feels natural.

Is it just me, or are some dialogue tags needed here? I had to go back and identify the "he replied" as being our protag. Would it impact flow too much if you included his name that first time? Also, I feel like his mouth is way more damaged than it actually is. I imagine an unhinged jaw with scraps of skin dangling from shattered cheekbones. So the fact that he's only "mumbling" and "slurring" is semi-miraculous to me.

I agree with the boys as well. @Riprish and @PedanticAndGrumpy make excellent points.

Is it a situational cliffhanger? Yes. So now you just need your prose to get us to that ledge too.

My suggestion: just switch the "No name" sentence so it's first. Include his reaction. Delete the rest.

"No name, only a unit and a number. Shit."

His reaction will indicate how we're supposed to react. I agree, you don't want to forsake historical accuracy, but you have to remember that you're creating a narrative.

One of my favorite historical writers is Carolly Erickson. Laugh if you must, but I think she does an incredible job as a historical storyteller as sometimes I forget that what I'm reading is actually non-fiction.

I heard another great piece of narrative non-fiction that recently came out was Boys in the Boat. I was supposed to read it for my book club but failed and went for the wine and just nodded my head a lot. But from what I heard, there was no sacrifice for storytelling there either.

It can be done! You are clever enough to pull it off.

Ah, Zorg, my friend. Did you think you could get rid of me that easily? I'm finally back and chugging along in my happy-train. I think we're due at your station right about... now.

And what kind of jocund mess would I be if I didn't start this whole thing out with some, sappy, fun-loving horn-tooting? Below are the three things that I thought you tootally pulled off exceptionally well and would love to commend you on (have you lost all respect for my opinion yet? No? Just wait).

Toot 1: Historical Detail - This is probably my favorite part of your story. It's something we don't see in fiction too often as most of the places we create are concocted from our own imaginations, or we don't have an attentive enough audience to stick with us and our details. The way you weave jargon and realism in the story is subtle. It's so subtle that if you didn't point it out in your in-line comments, I never would have noticed that it was there. This is good. I'm not focusing on the facts like they're museum placards. They're delicately woven in a way that enhances the story rather than detracts from it. Beautiful. Sensational. Bravo.

Toot 2: Voice - The voice was strong. While I don't agree with the way it was presented, I believe that David's character voice can continue to be a strong presence in the story without interjecting in the narrative every single paragraph. The way he thinks is tactical. When I wasn't infuriated by his over-stylized narrative of his own actions, I enjoyed following his train of thought. There's work to be done here, but the foundation is solid. It's like we're putting up wallpaper together.

Toot 3: Tension - Your external conflict came through brighter than most of the other elements of your story. While David doesn't seem to be up against anything as horrible as the actual mortar firing, you make the aftermath tense with looming potential for more conflict. You kept it open for possibility. This made for great tension.

CT I'm going to list out the perceived conflict. I feel that by identifying it for you, you may be able to see where there might be areas to strengthen or reduce certain elements. I hope that providing this information for calibration, you'll see what we (the readers) see. I've come to realize that this is one of the biggest miscommunications from writer to reader: That area between what you expect us to get, and what goes whizzing over our heads.

Internal:

Sneak across enemy lines vs charge forward (suicide mission)

Quit vs Keep going: Used twice - First time deciding whether to charge forward to suicide mission or find an alternative solution. Second time deciding if he should keep up with his ruse once he's discovered by the German soldiers

External:

Coming to consciousness - David must struggle against his flesh wounds in order to regain enough consciousness to become active.

Surrounded by Germans - David realizes he's surrounded by the enemy. They've pushed past the front lines and now there's nowhere safe for him to crawl to

Pain - Pushing past the agony from his face wound

Darkness - can't see friends or details necessary for survival

Language barrier- trying to disguise himself despite having discernible accent

Discovery - The Germans find him alive and he has to convince them he's one of them

Lack of identity - He's going to have a hard time pretending to be a German soldier if he has no idea who he is

My suggestion is to fix the internal conflict. Like I said in the toots, your external conflict is solid. It was palpable and brought the tension to fruition. Based on what I was able to pick up from my two read-throughs, here are a few suggestions to make your internal conflict stronger.

[CT Continued]

His internal conflict is presented through monologue. I said that he spoke too much sometimes and that was frustrating to try and figure out what was narration and what was his thought process. I would recommend trimming his voice to be less observant and more conflicted. If you're going to use observation, have its purpose to be for heightened decision-making within conflict. You attempt to do this in lines like

"Focus, David, focus. Ignore the pain. Which way to the trench? Shit, not a trench. Enlarged shell holes."

In this line of monologue, he's both observing and deciding to perform an action. I think they need to be two completely separate entities that transition together through narration. It could be separated as "His gaze swept the horizon, noting the pot-marked earth filled with trenches... <i> Shit, not trenches <i> he corrected himself, <i>shell holes. Focus, David, focus. Ignore the pain.<i>." Of course, you'd translate this into your own style as I'm realizing ours are two completely different species, but I think you get my drift.

I like to think of storytelling in this way: Each element of your story is a device. Each device has a job to do. I would give each of your different voices a singular purpose to fulfill.

Maybe narrator could be all observations, imagery (oh, we'll get to that in just a bit), and established tone?

Maybe David could be purely reactionary? The narrator sees something, he reacts to it. This is where his decision-making will come into play.

Take this suggestion as you will, I believe that by separating the narrator's purpose from David's will make a clearer distinction between voices and will make David's already strong voice be more lucid than before.

Q2: David

As previously mentioned, David's voice seems to serve two purposes— observation and character development. I think that's too much work for he who is barely conscious.

A few thoughts:

Your narrator is a strong crutch David can lean on. I think you should put more work on that guy (narrator). When I read through the second time, I felt disconnected from David because he was trying to do too much. Right now, this is a first chapter — a beginning. If your character is flat, that's fine. We don't need to see his development just yet. All you have to do is make him interesting enough to keep us hooked.

Ugh, everyone hates me for this, I know, but I'm going to suggest my best friend <3 contrast again. Don't worry, if you hate contrast, I bring it up again later, so you're really going to despise me and my soapbox by the end of this critique. I know... and just when you thought you were starting to tolerate me. :D

We haven't learned much about David except for the fact that he's resourceful and brave. But the hopelessness didn't come across as well as I think you wanted it to. To me, it seemed like this was just the natural order of things. As in

Step 1: Get face blown off

Step 2: Discover all your friends are dead

Step 3: Impersonate German soldier

I think to have his qualities stand out, you need to put him up against the opposite characteristic to emphasize them. If he's extra brave, maybe he encounters a fallen soldier who instead of donning the uniform of a German soldier, takes the dead man's pistol and eats it. There we'll see the strength it must have taken for David to move past that same pistol and reach for a different ending. Showing these qualities in his actions will help silence David until we REALLY need him. This would make the voice more powerful.

Q3: Fiction <3

For a first crack at fiction, this is a strong start.

The imagery you create isn't bright enough to show us the true horror of his situation. We only get it through his broken thoughts. You can either bump up the imagery and hopelessness so to create a triumphant return from the bleak point-of-no-return, or you can have him interact with it more.

Imagery would include massive paragraphs of the wasteland he's found himself in. There's the barbed wire fence, the smoking holes, the mud and blood mixed together to create black puddles that string from his hand to the ground when he tries to move away. Remarque does a beautiful job of this. He gives the scene right before he shoots us off the planet with his action. But by initiating the imagery before the action, we're able to picture what's happening without having to stop and take in the scene while David moves.

Interactions sometime slow down the narrative, but it can reveal the map of the location for readers while they go.

While David learns it, so do we.

Ok, I want to address that top part (finally).

The introduction section of your chapter has caused some drama, as all good things should. I've seen it done before, you're right about that, and I know it can be well done. The two sections, the introduction, and the narrative are two parts of the same chapter, but they are too similar and too different from each other to compliment. Instead, they exist, thrown together like a charcoal-gray blazer and a pair of black trousers. They're different enough to know there's something off, but you are having a hard time understanding what. I think I figured it out.

You know, more than most, that I love my topic sentences. I'd like to think of your introduction as one massive topic sentence. Part of its job is to set the tone for the rest of the chapter. Based on what we've read, we're going to expect a pedantic explanation of what happened on this specific mortar firing. But that's not the case. You go from academic prose to fluid narrative in the span of one image. The context is necessary, but there are a few ways I think you could change things around to make the introduction compliment the narrative.

And you guessed it.

One of them is to use contrast. <3 <3 <3

Introduction: We're setting tone here. Academic writing is void of tone. That's what it's supposed to do. When you write this introduction, STUFF IT with great diction that emotes. Tell us about the disturbing images, the disgraceful conduct of the Germans and the nauseous scene that will curdle the blood of civilians if they were to toe the periphery of this battle scene. Make it gross. Make it horrible. Set the tone right away. Give us no hope. Make us believe the world is totally f*cked and we're all going right to hell.

Narrative: Introduce hope. David struggles to survive. He does so, but dubiously. He is our freaking hero.

Sweet Jesus on a joystick, I'm sorry that took so long to actually write and deliver. To conclude, I enjoyed this. I think you know that. I enjoyed it and know that you've built up the intricacies of your character so much, you've been able to defend his every action to all the people who question it. It was a wonderful read and I can't wait to see more from David on his journey. Once the semester ends, I'll be back. I'll still have Remarque fresh on my mind, so I'll definitely be back.

Ok, you can get off my train now.

Happy edits!

I agree with your beta readers. Maybe the introduction is your answer? Use it to introduce the facts and paint the disturbing image of David, face down in a puddle of his comrade's blood, choking on it at it fills his mouth from the hole in his cheek.

Something disgusting like that.

Then you'll have everything! Info, tone, exposition, and imagery.

Awww ❤️

No problem. It was half done two days ago, but I also take psych classes online and this current course is about stress... so yeah, I took a few hours off to ponder my life decisions.

You're very welcome. It's the least I could do after your stellar performance on my side.

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez

➤ 1st runner up: EmmaHavana

➤ 2nd runner up: EricaSumner13

➤ Final Author's Note:

Honourable Mention — Everyone who participated

Well, that was both exciting and creative. I'm flabbergasted by the quantity and quality of the comments and by the range of opinions, well-articulated analysis and advice.

As many of you saw, there were conflicting thoughts on some aspects of the chapter, and the ensuing discussions helped clarify these. My subtle approach, as opposed to a slam-reader-in-face approach, was one of the disagreements; another was the merit, or lack thereof, with the opening two paragraphs. The inclusion of German – with or without translation – was also debated. There were several other areas of conflicting opinion, and I welcomed the opportunities they presented.

I enjoyed the discussions which arose. These allowed me to examine the style and devices I had used, and importantly, to see better ways to write the story. I've now rewritten the chapter, and it is posted in proper sequence. The Spotlight chapter is now appended at the end of the book, following the Epilogue as 'Chapter One (Original Version).

For the interest of number crunchers, there were 880 new comments on the chapter, totalling over 71,000 words. That's over thirty-eight comment words per written word. They should all feel well cared for.

I feel even more cared for. I'm grateful to all who have participated in my Spotlight round, both the reviewers and the NBR team who enable this. Thank you, all.

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Author #2 [Battle of the Chapter Champion]: Echo4Echo

Book Title: THEO "The Kelly Chronicles"

Specified Chapter: Chapter 4

Summary Thus Far in Book: Chapter 4 finds Corporal William Kelly and staff Sergeant Michael Theodore, "THEO," dealing with the aftermath of a very questionable assault led by Theo. His squad came upon an honor killing of a young women, and ignoring the Rules Of Engagement and a direct order from Battalion Command, the squad attacked and killed 16 Taliban fighters. The young girl, near death, must now be secured and cared for.

Author's Note: This is my second go at it for Theo. Thanks to everyone who made this happen and voted for my chapter "My Frozen Rose," In the BOTC! As always, I must give a shout out to my Sisters-In-Word, @kemorgan65, and @LLMontez. I'm am so blessed to have you both as writing partners and more! Likewise, to Dawn Starling and the Moderators at NBR. This group has transformed my writing! OORAH!!!

Q1 - With chapter three, I struggled to maintain the FPPOV of Kelly. I believe I have fixed that in chapter four. What do you think?

Q2 - The language used is very coarse and vulgar. I feel it necessary for believability. It's just the way WE talk (Marines that it.) Do you find that any of the vulgarity seems out of place? I'm reminded of Samuel L. Jackson who is the greatest Actor to use the words Mother F*****. Is the use of these words too much? If so can you point them out inline?

Q3 - Last round really sparked outrage at the topic of the chapter. I got A LOT of DM's and Angry responses to how callous the Marines were. This is the aftermath. Have I done the job of making you "feel" something, Anger, Pity, etc.? What do you feel about Doc, Red, Viking, Kelly and Theo as they deal with the aftermath?

In-line Comment Preference:DEFINETELY

Genre: Action

Rating: R for graphic violence, language, and content
Semper Fidellis!

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: BILLYYYYYYYYYY I'm so sorry it took me forever to get back to you, Brother Bird. I was trying my hardest to get back here, but, you know. Life. I'm so glad I got to come back around and visit Kelly again. You do realize that once we hit the summer months, you're never going to be rid of me. This is your fair warning.

CT: Conflict

Oh good God, there is so much conflict in here. It's so hard to read through the whole thing without clenching your gut or putting your hand over your heart to remind yourself that you're here, in your house, and not there in the desert with Theo, Kelly and the rest. You do an amazing job creating this conflict.

So I'm doing this new thing: I'm telling you how awesome you are. You're probably like Pft, Lydi, you do that all the time anyway, but this time Billy, I'm telling you how awesome Theo is. Because Theo IS awesome and I'm genuinely excited to get into it and finish the whole thing this summer.

Here we go, Brother Bird:

1. Imagery - Your imagery is gruesome. It's disturbing and it's beautiful. I remember last time I told you that I'd love to see more detail? Did you add some? Because I swear there's a totally different tone in this chapter than was here before. I'm pretty sure it has to do with how much imagery you added. I don't remember that paragraph with the sails. Dude. That's my absolute favorite part. It's tragic and breathtaking. Absolutely astounding.

2. Jargon - This is one of my favorite parts of anything you do. The realism is like its own poetry. The way Doc handles the medical, Theo handles communication,

3. Realism - Billy, this is so hard to read sometimes. That's my favorite part. There's no sugar-coating. It's true and it's difficult. You do such an amazing job of giving us what's tough.

And onto the good stuff!

CT: Conflict (ignore the heading up above, this is actually where I'm starting the CT)

So, I really enjoy finding conflict, so I'm going to break yours out for you so you might be able to build on it later.

Internal Conflict:

- To act aggressively against the village's men or not

External Conflict:

- Arguing with Actual

- Understanding the locals

- Saving the girl from her injuries

- Fighting exhaustion

- Fighting off the morose situation with humor

-Trying to get the girl out of the village

As you can see, you've got a lot more external conflict than internal. I think to make this chapter stronger, there should be bigger. I remember the last spotlight, there wasn't much of Kelly's voice in this. I know Kelly is more of a do-er than a thinker, but that doesn't mean his voice is completely gone. Kelly acts on his gut, his Spidey-sense, and his intuition. There's something really powerful about the ability of a character to weigh out scenarios and make decisions. We see his thought process and learn a lot about him from there. I'm going to go into this more on Q1, so hang in there for a bit.

Your external conflict? Nailed it.

Q1: First Person POV

SO MUCH BETTER! You absolutely improved on Kelly's voice here. This sounds a lot more like TWB, honestly. I was really glad to be digging deep in your chapter because it was so much of the old Kelly, I got really happy. Now if you could have somehow squeezed Max in here, I would have been all set.

There is one thing I did catch that I think you might want to look in to - You lost Theo a little bit. In this scene, we're definitely in Kelly's head again (which I love), but I think Theo has disappeared in the distance a bit. It's ok, we don't need Theo to be front and center all the time, especially if he comes in to play a major role later, but I think you might need to bring him back into focus just a little bit more again.

Q2: I think you fucking know my answer to this.

Q3: Pathos

Ok, here we have a much more arduous task ahead of us. Do we feel anything for the Marines?

I'm going to be honest with you, brother. For me, not really.

This is a really hard thing to build. You did an excellent job creating emotions in the last chapter, but because this is the aftermath, we're going to be looking for justification that their actions were the correct ones.

I teach a lot of social justice issues in literature (You better not be laughing at me...) and know that if there's a way to make your audience feel something powerful, it's going to be here in this chapter.

Social Justice acknowledges basic human rights and the dignity of every human being. The men are violating that here with their disrespect of the Taliban bodies.

Going from that last chapter to this one, we're still riding on the injustices of the Taliban when they were performing their honor killing. Now, we're seeing more cruelty, but we're not getting the rewards from Kelly, Theo and the boys righting the wrongs. We feel the tenseness, the insecurity, and the misplaced humor, but we've yet to see that their actions are being rewarded.

It seems like their gallantry is falling into brutality. We want justice for the girl!

I think what you may need, is to spend more time on her. The boys need to be more concerned about her well being. Maybe the jokes should be minimalized here. The frustration with Blackhawk should be exaggerated. The callousness of the people in the village should be highlighted more (this is where Kelly's internal conflict can be magnified. Should he punish these men for their inactivity or should he just keep following Theo's orders? Or something like that?) By upping the feel-good moments and quieting everything else for now, you're going to add more feeling.

Honestly, I think you can best do this between Doc and the girl. This could be Doc's big scene, the one where his character gets built out.

[Q3 Continued]

What makes people feel emotions? In this situation, we're going to most easily feel sadness. Anger, yes - we just finished feeling that in the last chapter. Now we want to turn our attention to the girl. We should be feeling anxiety and sadness.

Give her a chance to live, something more. In the part starting with "She moaned" and going through the next paragraph to where Doc calls her "sweetheart" and "baby", oh Billy, that crushed me. It was so heartbreaking. Keep on this moment. Give us a little hope that she might survive. Then crush us. Take that away from us. Make her better before everything plummets right to hell.

Billy. Billy Billy Billy Billy! I'm so happy I got to come back around and see Kelly again. Hopefully I gave you something new to think about. If not, I'll be back. And sometimes I get lucky and once in a blue moon, you think I'm brilliant <3

Happy edits, Brother Bird.

-Lydi

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez (Yes we are brother and sister in the word, but having the intimate knowledge of my works, style, and who I am, really helped me this round. LL gave me great insight and confirmed several of the issues I was having with the story.)

➤ 1st runner up: AdamFenner (Finding another Jarhead Author is indeed a rarity. His knowledge of our beloved Corps gave him insight into a life that nobody understands unless they were there. As a result, his advice was invaluable!)

➤ 2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson (Again, her familiarity with my writing and stories, really helped a lot. She also gave me a completely different perspective into the story which was much needed.)

➤ Final Author's Note: Great Spotlight round 82! Thanks to all of you who commented and participated. This was a much better round for me and I very much appreciate it.

I also want to give a shout out to the following authors: TimothyMarsh, Redtoadmedia, and Americanbruja. Your insight was excellent and very much appreciated.

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Author #3 [Triple Crowner]: PedanticAndGrumpy

Book Title: Puerto Seguro

Specified Chapter: 14. Rescue Missions

Summary Thus Far in Book: After a night of debauchery with his crew, Captain Etienne Desjours is arrested for a crime he only threatened to commit. His First Mate, Alexandra Stepanenko, who had a rough night of her own, is trying to find a way to get "Cap" out of jail.

This chapter begins with Etienne chatting with Logan -- another pirate captain and poultry breeder kept prisoner in the cell next to his -- while waiting for his crew to rescue him.

In the mean time, Alexandra is waiting with Jade (the ship's surgeon) and Savy (the Lady Lesya's honored guest) to meet a man that may have the power to free Etienne.
Notes to new NBR members:

- Puerto Seguro is a succession of chronological short chapters with a different character's PoV each time. You will need to read more than just this chapter to get a sense of the plot.

- Steagle, Ooma, and the other morons are all crew members.

Author's Note: I know, I've been distant these last few weeks. Real life kept me from nitpicking many spotlighted chapters (so unfortunate, right?). So, being spotlighted again myself is a real honor, as well as a real pleasure! It's also really scary, as I know that many NBR members are waiting for payback.

I must admit I don't have precise questions, so any honest comments will be welcome (even if contested). That said...

- Is Cap's part funny and/or light enough?

- Is Alex's part tense and/or creepy enough?

- Do you think I should kick my own ass and resume working on this novel that I haven't touched in months?

In-line Comment Preference: welcome

Genre: Adventure

Rating: PG13 (for once)

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: (Author's Forward: I'm just going to take a second here to fume. I had almost 1900 characters written and when I went to check something at the top of the page, everything refreshed. The comment disappeared. I want to rage against the world. I probably will sometime tonight. If my comments seem terse, it's because I'm livid that fifty minutes worth of careful commenting just went swirling down the fucking drain into bleak, black nothingness.)

Sam (aka Oliver). My friend. I had this whole wonderful introduction to my comment, but as noted earlier, it got fucking deleted. I'd love to rehash all the glowing things I said, but I'm angry, so I'm chalking it up to: I love this chapter. I'm so happy I got to come back to Puerto Seguro, but I'm also riddled with anger that I'll be addressing in Q3 (you asked and you shall receive).

As irate as I am at WP and myself for not writing this on a .doc first, I still want to continue with my lovey-dovey positivity kumbaya shitstorm and tell you about three things I flagged as your most wonderful skills, goddammit.

Flag 1: Imagery - I think you know exactly how I feel about your imagery. Your ability to paint a scene is probably one of my favorite parts of your work. The one that still sticks out is from your previous spotlight-- the one where we first meet Jade? That will be the moment I also fell madly in love with her.

Flag 2: Tone - Your diction is tone-heavy which is incredible for scenes like this bottom one. I know you love your girls and your readers can tell. This scene with them is ripe with tone. I have to say that there are plenty of places to improve it with Cap and Logan, but what you do with the ladies is disturbing (in the best way possible). It's palpable. You are a master craftsman when it comes to adding tone.

Flag 3: Characters - Someone mentioned that you have so many characters, it's hard to keep track of them. I have to disagree. This is the other wonderful part of your work. Your characters are such a diverse, rag-tag group of miscreants with varying quirks that it's impossible to try and confuse them. While I'm very disappointed Tiago didn't make his dashing appearance, I have to call out the fact that you make your secondaries just as colorful (and sometimes, even more so) as your primary characters. You intertwine a talent for imagery, a knack for dialogue (Steagle's accent comes to mind), and a twist or two of imaginative personality traits, and out comes your gang. Love them.

Ok, your ego has had enough attention for one night. Let's get down to business.

CT: Conflict

I find it immensely helpful to lay out conflict. You might not find it helpful, so if this is true, ignore this section. I'm about to tell you what's perceived by your readers (or at least this one reader).

Internal Conflict: Cap scene

- Trust Logan vs Don't trust Logan - Without telling us, it seems like Cap is assessing the situation with this older captain. This could be me reading into things too much, but I feel like there's something underlying here. There's a trust issue and Cap is really trying to figure out how to move from here.

External Conflict: Cap scene

Darkness - (?)I didn't get a good sense of it besides window light, flames, and shadows, but it could be there

Time - Card helping the captains escape

Father and son conflict - sarcasm abound

Convincing - Cap needs to convince Logan to take him with as they escape the prison

Your external conflict is really strong. I'm actually the conflicted one here. I thought your chapter worked well without the internal conflict, so if you keep it, fine. But to strengthen Cap's action when grabbing Logan's wrist, maybe hint at the internal conflict more. It's so subtle, it's barely traceable. By making the internal conflict more clear, it will connect the wrist action because then we'll see he decided. He's going to trust Logan. It will come full circle and give this scene a more balanced and complete feel. What was started in the beginning was closed by the end.

Just some thoughts. Again, it's ok the way it is. This is just one way to make it more complete.

Internal Conflict: Alex scene

- Kill LC vs not kill La Choza - I'm disappointed she didn't kill, but alas, she must pick her battles. I know this is just a passing wish, but I still count it as a little bit of conflict. Especially since Alex is a woman of action

External Conflict: Alex scene

-Steagle - He succeeds in finding the others

-Rampant sexual hostility - Ew

-Shoving - pushing past the servant

-Missive - Getting La Choza to help them get the Cap out

-Disgust - Hiding disgust and continuing to be polite in front of the vile human

-Time - Getting to Cap asap

-Chair - that poor, poor chair

Again, your external conflict is the stronger of the two. In this scene, you have a lot of little pieces of conflict to make this scene more colorful. While there's nothing that provides strong action, the sexual hostility overtakes all other issues, creating the strong, horrific scene between the girls and La Choza (you know, you have a very Dickensian way of naming your characters. I'd like to tack that on to Flag 3). I have no suggestion here. Your internal conflict is clear. Your external conflict is strong. Thumbs up.

Ok. That was the hardest part.

Next up? Questions.

Q1: Cap

You wanted that to be funny?! Ok, I definitely missed that. I was expecting something a little more panicked and rushed. I enjoyed the situational irony of the chicken-catching discussion, but there wasn't much beyond that.

How can you make that more entertaining or light? I don't know, Sam. The man is in jail and he's trying to get out. Do you really want it to be light? I know you can do it, but as it is, I don't see it. It's not that you aren't good at being funny, I think I was just reading the situation wrong.

Ok, I went back and read it again and still don't see it.

How could this be changed? Stop making it seem so tense! Shadows cut off their discussion and suddenly they jump to action. There's some sarcasm between father and son, but for the most part, I'm anxious in this scene. I want them to escape.

More banter. Much more banter between Cap and Logan is needed to make this lighter. I actually don't picture Cap as a funny guy. Maybe this is my problem.

Q2: Alex

YES. This is where you hit it out of the park. Beautifully done *vomit*. La Choza is so foul, I had a hard time rereading that section. This scene is one of your strongest. For sure.

Q3: Ass kicking

SAM. FOR REAL!? It has been months since your last update. Have you forgotten about us?! Have you forgotten that there are a lot of people in the world who want to know that Cap and Alex are eventually reunited?! We want to know what happens to the boys and we want to figure out where the hell they head to next. As a person who is very emotionally invested in both Jade, Tiago, Cap and the crew, I have been waiting patiently for some kind of update from you because I miss your imagery, I miss your characters, and I miss the world you created.

That being said, yeah. Please. Kick your own ass. Because if you don't do it, I will.

Love always,

L

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez

➤ 1st runner up: EmmaHavana

➤ 2nd runner up: reaweiger

➤ Final Author's Note: Being spotlighted is always something! I need to thank all of my reviewers for such a week. Comments and reviews are better and better, and it had been really hard to pick only three winners. I know I didn't answer to everyone, but i read every single of your words and will make this chapter even better.

I only asked if I should continue working on Puerto Seguro because it has been on hold for too long due to lack of free time (and because I couldn't find any smart question), but I got tremendous support and so much kind words about it. My ego is boosted and my motivation is back. So if anyone has some spare time for me, I'll take it!

Some didn't understand my questions talking about Cap and Alex instead of the chapter parts they are in. But I'm relieved and happy that I managed to carry the tones I wanted for each. Women reactions about La Choza are right what I aimed for.

Thank you again, to all of you!

Oliver

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