👉 Press that Star!

Announcement: April's Prompt Challenge is: A man has sold his soul to two different demons. They both come to claim it at the same time. Go vote for your favorite submission! Deadline to vote is April 30th. 

Commenting time frame (CST): April 23 ~ April 30

Moderator: dawnstarling

Comment Topic: Chapters must move along smartly, but they cannot be too much in depth or too vague. Comment on the detail the author used to create immediacy. Are you hooked right away? If not, how can they improve?

---

Author #1 [Featured WP Writer]: EricaSumner13

Book Title: Chronicles of a Wineux: Chicken Soup Can't Heal Cell Phones

Specified Chapter: Chapter 44, Following or Stalking

Summary Thus Far in Book: Dangerously armed with a pregnant imagination and observation skills bordering on stalking, physically awkward college senior Sara Donovan is convinced she's stumbled upon an international antiquity smuggling ring operating out of Tuscaloosa, Alabama. The notion that such an idea is preposterous never occurred to her. Until she found herself on the business end of law enforcement. In the previous chapter, one early evening Sara makes a snap decision and follows her neighbor, who she suspects is part of the ring, for over thirty miles to a state park south of Birmingham. Things went wrong and instead she walked right into an FBI sting operation. Sara is apprehended literally holding the bag. The spotlighted chapter places Sara and her miniature red dachshund, Mauzzy, in an FBI interview room after almost two hours of questioning.

A couple of references from earlier chapters will help as you read this chapter:

1. Sara carries with her what she calls her "OCD Waste Tissue System, patent pending by Sara Donovan." The System is comprised of a gallon-size Ziploc freezer bag (for its heavy-duty construction) that serves as the Container of Containers. Inside it is one Ziploc sandwich baggie stuffed with clean tissues and a full travel-sized bottle of purple hand sanitizer. A second Ziploc quart-size freezer baggie, again for the heavy-duty construction, holds all the gross nasty used tissues.

2. In addition to her neighbor, Sara is convinced one of the people in the smuggling ring is Mrs. Bagley, a sixth-grade teacher who is short, squat and broad with a thick blond ponytail.

Author's Note: I would like to thank for finding me among ALL of Wattpad and inviting me to join NBR. It didn't take long, as in just one read of reviews, to see that NBR is full of talented writers and amazing reviewers. I would also like to thank Dawn and the entire BOD because your efforts are tireless and amazing. I continue to be beyond impressed with the professionalism and effort that is put forth, and it shows with each and every round. Needless to say – I'm thrilled to be spotlighted!! Okay – enough with the gushing Erica – get on with it!

Questions:

1. This is supposed to be a humorous story with a plot. You can guess the key words in the previous sentence. Writing humor is tough, at least for me, because you have to keep the plot moving, you don't want to use a crowbar and force the humor into the narrative, and what is humorous to me very well might not be the same for others. So, did I strike the right balance between humor, narrative/dialogue, and advancing the plot? Don't worry – insert cringy breath-holding emoticon – I can handle the truth, unlike what Jack Nicholson thinks of Tom Cruise in *A Few Good Men*.

2. I recognize I have used the 43 previous chapters to build Sara's character, but how does she come across in this chapter? Is she someone you can bond with or root for? Please explain a bit either way.

3. How is the flow and voice? Please note I am not a grammar cashew (only had 6 weeks of it and I write by feel and what sounds right) but if my style is hurting the flow please advise. I also don't shun adverbs and believe in them so long as they're used in moderation, like all good things, and they add to the verb. So, if you see where I've gone overboard with their use, please feel free to throw me a lifeline, preferably with a life-ring attached.

In-line Comment Preference: Deep breath – okay, welcomed

Genre: Humor (hopefully)

Rating: PG-13 with just a few minor curse words, dog shows notwithstanding, and none of which would have earned me a bar of soap.

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment:  Congratulations on your spotlight, Erica! I think this is the first 'humor' book I've read in NBR so far... And I am super duper excited for it! I took a look at your blurb and saw what the readers said about it... and it made me even more excited to read, which I didn't think was possible! I'm already in love with the title, blurb, and cover... so I'm sure this will be an amazing read :) I tend to be wordy and my thoughts often get jumbled in my head... But nonetheless, I hope my comments will still be of some help to you! Also, I haven't read any of the other reviews or comments left by NBR members, so I'm sorry if some of these things have already been pointed out. :)

I'm actually going to integrate the comment topic within my answers of your questions, so I hope that's okay! Also, I like to keep all of the comments within one thread, so I most likely won't be posting any in-line comments unless I see something that stands out to me immediately that I feel the need to address :)

Side note: Anytime I mention a "possible revision", it is just a personal preference based on my own style of writing and experience. Feel free to disagree with or disregard any/all comments I make! As writers, we all have different styles of writing... that's what makes us all unique :) So if you like the way you worded something better, then by all means, stick with yours :) Write in a way that makes YOU happy, because ultimately, that's the only thing that matters!

Alright, enough formalities. Let's jump straight into your questions!

1. Balance between humor, narrative/dialogue, and advancing the plot?

-I love the humor you've incorporated into this chapter. Sara's voice, thoughts, and witty comments were the finishing touch to the humor and scene you've got going on in this chapter. It was the perfect balance, and I didn't think you focused on one or the other more than the other!

2. Sara's character? Bond, root for?

-Sara is very relatable and witty (i.e., "Did he just call me a dumb jackass?", "...Waiting for me to dissolve into a confession of tears and mea culpas, Crap. Yep Sara, that's what you stepped in.") I loved reading her inner dialogue, conflicts, and thoughts. It made me feel really connected to her character! She's very funny, and it shows through her thoughts. I really liked the line, "...my currently stuffy nose bubbling like the La Brea Tar Pits and whistling like a boiling teapot." The image made me cringe, but it also made me laugh. Haha!

-Sara's voice really came alive during the paragraph: "Did he just say I'm not interesting, because that is so... wait... what!..." and throughout the chapter during her little thoughts (i.e., Cool it Sara. Reel it back in. Or you're going to be bunking tonight with Big Betty.) It's comforting to know that she talks to herself as well, as most of us do :) It's easy to relate to Sara's character, not only because of her thoughts, but just how she is in general. I especially liked how Sara immediately thought of her family when she realized that she might be going to prison. "Or because I'm Catholic?" and "Never underestimate the power of a good snot blow to get you back on your game" made me laugh as well!

Therefore, I definitely do bond and root for her :) I was a little worried about this question, since this is Chapter 44 of your story, and I haven't read anything prior to this... BUT. You did an excellent job with keeping Sara's voice and personality alive throughout the chapter. Sara is my FRIEND, and I want to support her throughout her journey! :D

3. Flow and voice?

-Like I explain more in the 'other comments' section of this review, I think you could cut back on the prepositions you used throughout the chapter. That's one of the only times when I thought the flow was disrupted... It got to the point where I was actually expecting and guessing where you might place the prepositions, LOL. Other than that and the long paragraphs (which I also talk more about in the 'other comments' section), I thought the flow and voice was quite nice. :)

Other comments:

-Possible revision for the first paragraph:

[For the past few hours,] I've been sitting behind a small table in a windowless room[. Two] rather brusque, skeptical FBI agents [have been interrogating me] question after question. Periodically[,] one or the other would step outside, only to return moments later. But five minutes ago[,] they both [left abruptly without so much as a] "Ma'am, please wait here."

>So, I did a number of things with this paragraph. First, I noticed that you repeated 'two' and 'room' multiple times throughout this sentence. The 'two' isn't that big of an issue since it's still realistic and makes sense, but IF you wanted to change it, I would change the first 'two' to 'few'. But like I said, that's not a big deal :) I kept the first 'room' but deleted the next two, as I didn't think they were necessary. Next, I just switched the order of the first sentence around. It sounded a bit awkward to me when I read it out loud... but it's probably just because there were so many prepositions in one sentence ("BEHIND a small table, IN a windowless room, FOR over two hours". By switching one of the phrases to the front, it's split up by that "I've been sitting" phrase, which just sounded a little better for me. But like I said, these are just personal preferences - feel free to keep yours if you'd like :) There's nothing grammatically wrong with them!

-Possible revision for the second paragraph:

I gulp down the remnants of a [lukewarm] bottle of water. [I decided a while ago that my gum wasn't worth keeping since its fresh] peppermint [taste] deserted me an hour ago. In its place is [nothing] but a wad the consistency of chewed paper[, but I am still careful not to swallow it. Its presence comforts me, almost like a friend in this otherwise foreign situation.]

I try to [catch a glimpse of] my hair and the back in the large mirror [across] the room, craning my neck like a famished giraffe on the Serengeti. [I struggle for a few seconds, but eventually, I give up. I] can't get a good look.

I'm pinned down in the chair [because Mauzzy is sleeping] in my lap rather noisily[.] I think his near-death experience tonight got the best of him[, which is probably why he's so tired. The agents] allowed him to stay with me, but only after I called upon my experience gained from watching all those episodes of Bones and Castle.

That'll teach Angel and Zoe for poo-pooing my choice of TV shows. [Thanks to the shows, I had a bit of an upper hand from experience and knew] I didn't have to [the agents] without my lawyer.

As if I even have a lawyer.

But they don't need to know that, [and I played the cards to my advantage. I threatened] to walk unless they let me have Mauz [with me] in the interrogation room. [Eventually,] they reluctantly agreed and here we [are now].

> I didn't understand what "long warm bottle of water" was, so I just switched it to "lukewarm" water instead. Is that what you were going for? Also, while I normally like fragments, I wasn't quite feeling the "not that it's worth keeping" one... So I tried to rework the sentences around so that it wasn't necessary to keep it as a fragment. The gum comes up later on in the chapter, so I tried to add more emphasis to it by adding more descriptions about it and to keep that image of the gum fresh in the readers' minds.

If you don't like it, or if it's not what you were going for, feel free to take it out completely!

Speaking of the gum, I was just thinking... wouldn't 'chewed' paper be extremely soft, almost to the point of it breaking apart? I'm just imagining leaving paper soaking in my mouth... after a while, there would be nothing left because paper is so thin and brittle! When I chew the same piece of gum for a long time, it feels more like I'm chewing on a rubber band - an elastic, tough, tasteless piece of gunk. Anyhow, I'm getting sidetracked, LOL.

This kind of ties in with a bit of the CT - I noticed that you like those prepositions one after the other - "IN the large mirror ON the far side OF the room", "IN the chair BY Mauzzy sleeping IN my lap". While there's nothing wrong with this grammatically, it sounds a bit awkward in my head and gets a little redundant when you use two, three, or four of them in a row... in ONE sentence. This could be easily avoided by either switching around the order of the phrases or by splitting them up into separate sentences.... Or even by taking them out! Sometimes, it's not completely necessary and you could condense these sentences into a much more concise one :) And often times, an exact image of these things ("IN the large mirror ON the far side OF the room") is not needed! I do this a lot as well, since I want to explain to the readers EXACTLY the way I see a scene in my head. But, we have to give them credit, too! When we don't give them all of the information and details, we're allowing them to see the scene in their minds, the way they want to. It's part of the fun when reading a story, and it definitely allows for their imaginations to run wild ;)

Okay, so this was an extremely long paragraph. As a rule of thumb, I learned that users on Wattpad are not too fond of this. So I split up your one paragraph into 6 smaller ones!

Some of the paragraphs are only one or two sentences, but I split them in a way that each paragraph had a new topic. This is much easier for readers to read, rather than addressing 6 different topics within one paragraph!

Is "That'll teach Angel and Zoe for poo-pooing my choice of TV shows." a thought? If so, then I think it should be in italics. If you haven't used italics for the MC's thoughts thus far, then ignore what I said and keep it as is :)

-Possible revision for the beginning of the third paragraph:

The door bursts open and [Agent Walker,] the more reserved [and sympathetic] of the pair, [strides in.] He drops down in one of the two chairs opposite me and leans forward on his bare muscular forearms[. His sleeves was folded and wrinkled,] having been rolled up a long time ago.

[Pft.] Like that stunt stood a chance with me.

> I rearranged the first three sentences of your paragraph and came up with this. The fragment wasn't reading well for me in this paragraph either, since it could've easily been attached to the previous sentence. For me, fragments are short and powerful phrases and add on a bunch of intensity and emphasis on an important point. That's probably just me, though... Haha! Either way, I thought it sounded a little better than this. The pace of your story slows down when you make a new sentence just for a fragment that doesn't really need to be placed there, so by combining your sentences together, it sped up the pace a little bit. I also added a bit more detail and characterization to Sara's line.

Alright, now onto the second part of this paragraph. I was a little confused. I didn't have any idea what you were trying to say (or, rather, what SARA was trying to say)... I read the paragraph multiple times, but I couldn't figure it out.

Where did this illegal secret come from? Where did any of this come from? I was confused. On top of that, you talked to the audience directly. As a rule of thumb (again), I've been told never to directly address the audience, as it breaks that barrier from the readers being able to step into the character's mind. Whenever I read the story, I become the character - I see what the character sees, feel what they feel, etc. That's what I was doing with Sara as well - until I got to this sentence. Then I was reminded that I was not Sara, and that I was just a reader... which disrupted the flow a bit for me! Anyways, long story short, if you can avoid talking to the audience, definitely do so. It's a bit jarring for the audience to read, and it's confusing as well!

-Possible revision for the sentence: "Here," Agent Walker says, handing me a tissue from a box on the end of the table.

Agent Walker picks up a box of tissues and walks over to me from the other side. "Here," he says, handing me one.

> With this, I just switched it up again because of the triple preposition sentence structure you tend to fall into (FROM a box ON the end OF the table). But, as always, it's a personal preference from you, so if you like it, keep it! :)

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: I throw a sideways glance at Agent Walker...

I [glance at Agent Walker through my peripheral vision, and he] shakes his head[. He throws me a look ― I would say [amazement,] but I [think] that's giving me way more credit than is due. [I] think he's actually feeling sorry for me[, just like most people do.

It] suddenly gives me an idea for my closing argument.

> I got rid of the ellipsis and replaced it with a dash, since I thought it made the paragraph flow better this way. I also combined some sentences and added a few transitions.

I wasn't sure what you meant by "It's my life in one miserable microsecond," (I think I was confused as to what "it" was referring to) so I replaced it with what I thought you meant. If I got it completely wrong, please disregard my comment, haha! I also started a new paragraph for the closing argument part, because it's a new topic that's being introduced... and it puts more emphasis on it, which I thought flowed best :)

-Possible revision for the paragraph after that, starting with: "With Mauzzy hanging on for dear life I stand up..." and for the two paragraphs after that.

[I stand up, leaving Mauzzy] hanging on for dear life. [The action practically peels the skin from my legs and leaves it] on the chair seat[, and I cringe.]

[I] pick up the gum with the tear-sodden tissue and place it directly in the trashcan[, not allowing myself to be embarrassed with another replay of the gum incident.] Slipping back into my chair, [I start my plea.] "You've got to believe me. If you [knew] my life, if you [knew it was just my luck to always] be in the wrong place at the right time, it [would] all make sense."

[I pause to sneak a peek at Agent Walker, whose face shows signs of giving in.]

I continue, "If there's gum in the parking lot, I'll step in it. If there's a nail [on] the road, I'll drive over it. If there's water on the floor, I'll slip on it. If ―"

"Okay, okay. I get it," Agent Walker says, getting up [from] his chair. ["Hang on."]

Like[,] where am I gonna go[,] dude? [You think I'm going to attempt to] break out of a federal building? [I want to ask, but for once, I keep] my exhausted mouth shut and just nod. Thank [God] for that overworked gum.

> I mainly reworked the sentence structures and phrasing around to (hopefully) make the paragraphs flow better. Again, there was that preposition pattern that you tend to fall into in this second sentence: "OF the skin FROM the back OF my legs ON the chair", so I just changed it around to avoid that.

I also added a few of Sara's feelings and thoughts here, because I felt like the information you gave was unnecessary because she didn't really react to it. I changed the tenses of her dialogue, because when I said this sentence out loud, that's how my brain envisioned one would say that line. Her dialogue was also getting too long, so I added a break in which Sara looked at Agent Walker to judge his reaction to her case!

-LOVE the last word of the chapter. A perfect ending to an awesome chapter!

-A few more things - I did notice that you included a lot of fragments within your paragraphs. Here are a few, taken directly from your chapter:

"Not that it's worth keeping."

"And I think more sympathetic too."

"Like that stunt stood a chance with me."

"Or you're going to be bunking tonight with Big Betty."

"And he would so love to pin this rap on me."

"And they don't believe me."

"About Professor Sawalha."

"And Karen Allen."

"And he warned me about filing a false police report."

"And about when did you file this report?"

> While there's nothing wrong with fragments (if you originally intended to write them as a fragment), it could get repetitive after a while, and readers might think you did this on accident rather than on purpose. For some of these, they worked out alright because they were in dialogues, and people speak like this all the time. BUT, after a while, it did get redundant! Try spicing up your sentence structure – long, medium, and short-length sentences are our best friends! But, of course, fragments can be wonderful if written correctly – they're just as powerful as the fully coherent ones. You just have to be careful of the way you word things! For example, in all of the fragments I mentioned above, you could've either attached it to the previous sentence or even added a pronoun in the beginning of the sentence in order to make the sentence flow better.

Let's take a fragment directly from your paragraph starting with: "Was the officer with the Tuscaloosa police? And about when did you file this report?" he asks.

This could easily be changed to: "Was the officer with the Tuscaloosa police? When did you file this report?"

> I took out the "and about" and just started it with "when", because I think it sounds better AND gets rid of the fragment! :) In addition, I took out the dialogue tag because I didn't think it was necessary. When there are only two people talking to each other in a scene, dialogue tags aren't as necessary as they would be when there are three or more people. We already know who the characters are, so I tend to only use dialogue tags when I'm a couple lines in and I want to remind the readers who's talking. Also, Tuscaloosa is a very fun word. Fun to say, fun to type... LOL. Thank you for introducing this city to me, hahaha!

I can already tell you are a FANTASTIC, witty, and creative writer based on what I've read throughout this one chapter so far, so I know you're more than capable of varying your use of sentence structure to get your point across! :) Like I said, there's nothing wrong with these. I just started to notice that you tend to fall into the same patterns with these fragments, same as when you fall into the sentence structure style with the prepositions!

Here are some examples of fragments that worked within your chapter:

"Secretless."

"Because I have good reason to believe he's part of this smuggling ring that your Agent Shipton thinks I'm a jackass for."

"Which I'm not."

"Or because I'm Catholic?"

"Whenever you're ready."

"Something about respect."

"A lady."

"Way more."

"And did it actually bounce off the floor?"

> I absolutely loved these fragments. These had power and purpose, and they just topped off the paragraphs and sentences that you had written just before. KEEP THESE - I love them! :)

-Just a few other tips:

1.) Try to keep the paragraph length short! It's an easier read for the audience, and shorter paragraphs help us to stay focused :) try to split up the larger paragraph every time there's a new topic, or every time you want to emphasis a certain sentence/line.

2.) Try to limit your amount of prepositions in a sentence! Or try to reword it in a way so that there aren't three prepositions right next to each other. This isn't too big of a deal since I still understood what you were saying, but I noticed that you did it many times throughout the chapter, and it could get a little repetitive :)

3.) You use a lot of ellipsis, but I think it would read better if you used something else... maybe a dash?

OVERALL,

I really, really enjoyed reading this chapter. Humor is a tricky thing - often times, a certain type of humor might not appeal to the whole audience, and the phrases or references an author uses might not be accepted/known/understood by the readers. Although I didn't understand some of the references ("Big Betty - although this one is probably just me being sheltered... or young. I've never heard this before, but once I looked it up the first time, it made sense to me all of the other times. Haha!), Sara's thoughts and voice kept me smiling and laughing throughout the chapter. So I'd say you pulled this off well! You are an excellent writer, and the way you set up the scenes was very realistic and natural. Even though this was Chapter 44 of your story, I was still able to follow along with the plot so far, and it definitely intrigued me. I just might have to go ahead and read this again, but this time, way at the beginning... ;)

As always, thank you to NBR for introducing me to another great chapter and amazing writer :)

➤ Network with this winner: catharticnonsense

➤ 1st runner up: PrairieCreek because people with bad habits stick together? Okay, that's true, but it's not why I picked her. It's because of her timing with inline comments. Similar to Zonderzorg, she came into a conversation to add some balance and perspective. And heaven knows I need balance, among a few hundred other things. And much of her input was not only spot-on, it helped me see better. 

➤ 2nd runner up: Zonderzorg for being the calm voice of reason to help me work through some major discussions regarding a certain mule, a hulking inmate, and the word of the week: crap. Also, for giving me confidence that my style of humor can appeal to many generations. That is an amazing comfort.

➤ Final Author's Note: This has been such a fun week. That's right – fun! While I come away from the week armed and dangerous with all kinds of new techniques and angles to work into my story and my style, I think the biggest takeaway for me was also the most surprising – that my humor in the chapter appealed to many generations. Young and not so young (sorry Zonderzorg– but I had to call out your relatively young age) gave positive comments on the humor in more than one place. Just as important, I learned what didn't work and why (too much of Big Betty is a bit—too much). And never in my wildest dreams would I expect that a former marine (Echo4Echo) and a retired infantryman (painebook) would so thoroughly enjoy the chapter. Insert head-shaking gif. And who would have thought the Marines and Army would agree on something – let alone, my little chapter! Thanks guys! All of that tells me I just might be onto something. And not on something.

In the end, after an agonizing two days for review and contemplation, I decided on @catharticnonsense because her review got me to step back and look at my chapter and writing style in a totally different light. It's easy to do that if the reviewer thinks the work really needs—work (that's for you pedanticandgrumpy). But it was evident that she really liked my chapter, and I don't think she was snowing me, so to be able to still bring up points to stop me in my tracks for a fresh look is quite difficult. While I don't agree with all her suggestions, many were excellent. My use of prepositions is the one that shocked me, and after my quick Google of what the frick a preposition is, I realized she was right. At times my overuse of prepositions so close together actually created a redundant rhythm. And it was jarring. And so, it was shocking. Now, I won't shun prepositions, but I will definitely be aware of them going forward. The same with overuse of sentence fragments. Obviously, other than wine, too much of a good thing—isn't. 😉 And be aware of varying sentence length. That was another one that just whacked me up side my head. Awareness is a wonderful thing. Self-awareness is even better. That is what this review did to me from a writer's standpoint. So, thank you.

Finally, a MAJOR thanks to all of NBR for the incredible reviews and input during my Spotlight Week. It was beyond my wildest dreams and has already started paying dividends as I begin to tighten my style. Picking only three people out of all the terrific reviewers was cruel and unusual punishment, so thanks to Dawn and the entire NBR board for inflicting that pain. It hurt so good.

I want to throw a few shout-outs for some people who really caught my attention, in no particular order. And if you're not mentioned below, it doesn't mean you're not appreciated – it just means that the music has started playing and Dawn is chasing after me all over the stage with her long hook and a menacing *look* (riprish):

Andicook for writing a review despite being sick while on vacation. I have always admired her grit, determination, courage, consistency, and talent. Now I'm just in awe. Feel better wonderful lady!

TaniHanes for revealing she actually was in a small, windowless room being questioned by Japanese riot police. Now that was – a riot!

Painebook for giving me another source for humor. I am always looking for people I find funny, and I just found another. And for power-reading the entire story right after he submitted his review. Wow.

Henry_Scott  for the excellent suggestions for additional humor. And for pointing out that Sara's pending inmate number might actually be someone's patent number. He was serious, but too funny!

Riprish– To *start*, I will never *look* at *slowly* ever again without thinking of you! So, many thanks.

LLMontez and Jacklyn for writing reviews for me even while in the middle of their own Spotlight Week. I didn't write one for either of them. And I feel guilty. You all know why!! But I promise, I will go back and write reviews for both – after I get done with Round 82 reviews.

@PassengersofWind because: For every action, there is an equal and opposite REACTION! That's right – Newton's Third Law of Motion. And the name of Chapter 41. Coincidence? Not according to you know who. And I liked their excellent suggestion. To add more—reactions.

CrystalePascale for bucking me up. I had to be really careful there about autocorrect stepping in and mucking it up. Had to be careful there too.

TimothyMarsh for telling me he didn't like Sara at all, and to not change a single thing about her, not a single hair. Yeah, amazing, right? Oh, there's that fourth wall thing again – blah blah blah.

Redtoadmedia for a fantastic new angle on adverb use. And no – not cutting them!

AhsokaJackson for being oh so good—and sadly—oh so late. But thanks – you'll help me with my narrative, and you already helped me with story's blurb.

And of course, how can I forget Pedanticandgrumpy– c'mon ... you know you love ... my ... use of ...!!

Thanks again NBR NATION!!! You ROCK!!! And roll.

---

Author #2 [Featured WP Writer]: LLMontez

Book Title: ARC10

Specified Chapter: 23.2

Summary Thus Far in Book: Janika Lorn was selected to assist in the evacuation of planet Earth and was assigned the dubiously prestigious title of Commander of ARC10. While she is fully invested in getting the remaining people to their new planet, the people themselves have very different opinions about this.

One faction agrees: it's time to go, there's nothing left on Earth to give Earthlings the normal, peaceful lives they once had before. Let the Invaders have the planet, it's no good anymore. It's time to move on to newer and better things.

One faction disagrees: the Earth belongs to humanity. Now more than ever, Earthlings should stay and fight for their planet and not let some invading strangers come shoot it out of their hands.

And one faction just likes to watch things burn.

As Launch Day draws near, Commander Lorn notices that the people of the United Regions of Earth (URE) are losing their minds and losing their humanity in their underground dwelling. She has been watching the signs and finally sees that it's all come to an intersection right here, right now. 

Author's Note: I'm baaaaack and so ready to draw in all this beautiful inspiration from you brilliant minds in NBR.

This time, my gratitude not only extends to the brains and brawn behind NBR, but also out to those spectacular spotlit authors who put me up here with these three crowns. Thank you! Honestly. Thank you so much for giving us your stories and reminding me how talented and creative the world is.

Alright, boys and girls. Here we go —My first spotlight was such a rush and I can't wait to see what you all have to say about this scene. I want to love this chapter, I really do, but I know there's so much that needs to be done to get it where it needs to be. 23.2 is one of the major tipping points of the story, so I want it to be absolutely above and beyond spectacular in a barbaric way.

I'm looking forward to what can come out of this mess I'm presenting you with.

Question 1: Chaos

In this chapter, all hell is breaking loose. The events here have been building up for about six chapters so readers will be anticipating some sort of explosive moment as the violence has been escalating. Do you think that the chaos is horrible and believable and what can I do to make it worse?

Question 2: Tension

Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to my love triangle:

- Dean has loved Janika since they were ten.

- After sixteen years, Janika has only just realized she loves Dean back.

- Months ago, Janika was lusting over super-hot, ukulele playing, tech-genius Kia. Then he got aggressive with her and now she wants nothing to do with him.

- At first, Kia only wanted to be with Janika because she presented what he felt would be his greatest conquest. After months of teasing and almost-encounters, he became angry that he was the one being shoved aside. He snapped at Janika and acted with aggression. Now he's trying to adjust to life without her and finding it impossible to justify his actions from that day.

-Dean never trusted Kia.

-Kia hates Dean and his looming presence that just happened to hover around whenever Kia tried to make his move on Janika.

In this chapter, Kia comes to find Janika to make amends and try to work out why he feels so awful. I'm trying to create a subtle, unspoken animosity between Kia and Dean. Do you see it and what can I do to amp up the intensity between the two men without being too overt?

Question 3: Action Syntax

Writing action scenes are SO hard for me. I feel like my sentence structure is redundant. If you have pointers to help me fix this or if you could highlight places where my flow gets choppy or botched by my inability to write action, I would really appreciate it. What suggestions do you have to make my sentences carry the action better?

In-line Comment Preference: Welcomed

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13 for violence and swearing

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present to you, The Best Of @PedanticAndGrumpy's in-lines:

***

P&G:Hey Lydia!

Nice to have you back here, just when I find some time to read some spotlighted chapters again.

Ready to be annoyed every two sentence?

So fasten your belt, here we go!

Oliver (the reviewer formerly known as Sam)

L: It's my favorite angry Frenchman! I'm buckled up and ready. Bring it, my friend.

***

P&G:I'm not sure about "militia mind", here. In itself, I don't think it really works (but maybe, it's just me) and in the sentence, it makes Janika's mind the one to settle the disorder, instead of Janika herself.

I don't know... Maybe I'm just nitpicking too much already.

***

P&G:I guess I will only be nitpicking during this review, but I would be sad if I couldn't find anything to say, so...

I'm not sure about "his eyes stooped in sleeplessness" for several reasons. First I had to look for "stoop" translation as I'm not familiar with it and it feel strange in this context (excuse my French). Then, I think sleeplessness is a mouthful and could be replace by something like "exhaustion". Furthermore and to conclude on that, how does Janika know that Kia didn't sleep? If it's not something she knows for sure, you can't really use this word to describe his fatigue through her point of view.

Like I said, nitpicking!

***

P&G: Janika didn't reopen her eyes to see the militiamen so I had to do a mental backflip to change my image of her. Maybe add "for a short while" or equivalent after "I close my eyes" if you don't want to bluntly say something like "When I reopen my eyes" (which would be very repetitive and heavy).

***

P&G: to emphasize tension, I would add some commas around "right here" and "in the eye of the storm"

***

P&G: I know it would create a "see" repetition, but I think "that I can see clicking together" may sound better. Furthermore "I can see" would be a nice opposition to the "unaware" militiamen. If you want to push it, you could even italicize "I".

***

P&G:"whistle" repetition.

- "the twitchy kid" got me confused. Is it one of the three kids from before? Maybe my pauses are at fault here. I'll reread and tell you if it still bugs me.

- I think you should turn the sentence about the shooting the other way around to present it in a chronological order. The climax of ut is the shooting itself, so going backward to understand where the gun comes from kills the tension

"after the shot" is unnecessary. It's obvious enough without

Ok, I reread, and I still think the introduction of the kids is too far away from this paragraph to just use "the twitchy kid". I think mentioning the crate sooner in this paragraph would help reader remind the crouching kids more easily.

L: Ok- questions:

How would you reintroduce the crate again and why would that be a better reminder than the subject of the paragraph which is the kid?

Her focus is on the people more than the scenery. Granted, she's supposed to be watching everything, but her primary focus is on the way the people are responding to the strange tension in the air. Why would mentioning the crate before the kid be a better alternative?

Hmmm... also, I'm wondering what other people think about the whistle repetition. It's not an accident. In all my read-throughs, I didn't mind it, but if it's bothersome, what would be some suggestions to replace the second whistle?

***

P&G: I didn't say "before the kid", I said "sooner". For example, instead of "twitching kid", say something "twitching kid behind the crates". Or something.

- For the whistle, you could start by using "it" while showing the reaction (or lack of) from the militiamen before showing the kid's.

***

P&G:This is the chaos you were talking about! The paragraph about the kid comes in the way. I would move it before or after.

L: Wait, but the kid is the instigator of the chaos - the chaos wouldn't happen if it wasn't for the prank he and his friends pulled with the flare. Did that not come across clear enough.

P&G:It did come across crystal clear. But saying that chaos is unleashed to directly move on the kids instead of this paragraph isn't working tempo-wise.

***

P&G: As usual, take what you want from these following suggestions:

- to avoid repeating "as" and to make the sentence more active, you may rephrase the first sentence as : "Fire Team comes through Gate 1 like a yellow wave, carrying a heavy wagon behind them, loaded with bags of powder"

- "individual" feels very cold, but maybe it's Janika usual way of talking...

"yellow" repetition. Maybe use a synonym for the jumpsuits.

I love the last sentence, by the way!

***

P&G:Nothing to say about the scene, here, but you used the phrasing "I watch as" very recently. It hit me even if it's not really a repetition.

***

P&G: "That is now alive with flames" presents two problems: it repeats "flames" and is inaccurate as you already said the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire (sorry for the lame pun)

L: The roof, the roof, the roof is still on fire so it wouldn't be too inaccurate, would it?

P&G: The problem lies with "now" not in the fact that the roof the roof the roof is on fire.

***

P&G: "Debris from the flame" is a weird phrasing as flame don't really make debris in itself. "Burning debris" would be more accurate in my opinion.

***

P&G: Here again, Janika has no way to know why the kid is unmoving. She can only guess or describe what she sees.

L: I'm trying really hard to find a way to argue this with you, but I've got nothing.

Goddammit.

P&G: Annoying you is my pleasure!

***

P&G: Careful about your use of "I watch/I watch as". I didn't count, but I think it's overused through your chapter.

***

P&G: I think your sentences should be reorder the other way around. It feels strange to be focused on Kia, move on with Janika's reaction and then use "his". I'm still unsure to whom it refers, Kia or the boy.

I agree too (and I guess I will agree a lot with from now on, as usual).

You're describing a fight, so you need powerful short sentence. So first, shorten your sentence as much as possible. But to be really powerful here, I think you should go straight to thee point. Use simple vocabulary, be very descriptive, don't use simile or images. "Flowery" descriptions always annoy me in an action scene. Here, it's not flowery, but missing the point.

- "I step into his torso" could become "I throw myself into his torso".

- With one hand...": this sentence is too long and I don't understand what Janika is doing with her hand. Crashing into him, she found herself almost embraced. If you need her to go behind him, why not say that she slip under his arm and find herself in his back. "Spin" is unclear too. I would also cut the sentence before the snaking part.

- "snaking my arm under his crotch" should be in the same sentence that "grab my other hand". To snake" isn't direct enough.

- "I grab...": what does Janika squeeze exactly? it's unclear, even if I can picture what you mean. I can see Janika squat behind the man, circle one of his thighs with both arms and stand up to hit him in the balls and make him fall. If I'm correct, why not just say something as blunt as that (with your own words of course)?

- he grunts [...] out of him": way too long (sorry to be blunt in this). Once again, cut it as much as possible.

- If she land on top of him when he's lying on his stomach, how can she wrap her leg around it?

- I think the man should let the pipe go when he fall. If he still hold it when on the ground, he wouldn't let it go more easily then.

I hope I wasn't too blunt.

***

P&G: Before anyone say your third sentence isn't correct because of the three "and", let me say it's great as it is. You may want to add commas before every "and" though. Oh and maybe change "shut" to something less definitive. But great anyway!

***

P&G: Using the flare gun as subject in the last sentence flatten the impact of the kid's death. Making him the subject would strengthen it, I think.

***

P&G: I think this needs to me way more graphic. Describe the size and aspect of the chunk of concrete falling, describe the result of it. You don't need to describe how bodies spurts in all direction, but get rid of the "I watch" (I already told you that you overuse this phrasing). It's Janika's PoV if you say that "Dean and the people around him disappear", it's obvious enough that's what she sees.

All in all, whatever word you'll choose, I think you need some sort of brutal climax here.

***

P&G: the "no" repetition isn't working for me. It feels like Janika is about to miss her train, not lose the man she loves. Shock should knock her off. Or at least, express how she refuses to accept the situation.

L: GAH Now I can't get that image out of my head. Goddammit, Sam.

She does this for all the big moments in her life. I guess she could resort to her other fall-back when overcome with emotion and scream profanities until she feels better.

***

P&G: It just hit me, but you repeat how she can't see a lot through the last part of the chapter, and a very cold, unevolving way. Maybe you should show how her eyes feels and how she sees and how it evolves through the chapter. Like : eyes itching, eyes burning, tears coming up, eyes blinking quickly, blurred vision, darken vision, eyes hurting, face contracting, etc...

***

P&G: The use of "when" is killing the action here, slowing it a lot. Janika is living something brutal, your writing should follow that too. short, direct sentences from her PoV. Using "when" gives the feeling Janika is sitting around a camp fire telling what happened in the past, instead of telling what is happening right now.

***

P&G: I didn't check, but it feels you repeat "fall" and "smash" a lot in a short period of time, but maybe it's just because I try to scrutinize everything.

***

P&G: That said "bodies" can't really "run for safety".

***

P&G: To add power to your scene, you may want to detail what Janika is seeing or hearing. Like a young voice calling out for mama, shouted names mixing in a desperate cry, cry for help around her,... You need to show the chaos, to make your readers feel it with their guts.

L: You know, I had some of these things, but I also wanted some of these things to be indistinguishable because of all the insanity.

There's a balance here. It's right between your suggestion and what I've got. I just have to find it.

(Looking under the bed)

P&G: I guess you're right about middle ground. No need to overdo it, but I think one or two sickening thing around her would help (a limb pointing out from concrete, still twitching for example)

***

P&G: And that's it? "hitches with relief"? I'm frustrated here!

L: Me too. Ugh. This is the hardest freaking sentence of the entire chapter. Suggestions?

P&G: What about a simile with concrete, talking about how a heavy burden has been removed from her chest? What about different kind of tears? What about misplaced laughters amid the chaos? What about warmth coming back to her core when it vanished when she saw Kia?

Just ideas...

L: OMG GOT IT.

It's none of those, but you sparked it, so THANK YOU! 🎉

***

P&G: "clear as air" is too descriptive here. I think, Janika's relief and joy should be expressed strongly.

The end of the chapter on "out" is just perfect!

***

Final Comments:

Dear Lydia,

It's a real pleasure to read you, as always and I realize that Arc10 should be on my reading list for a while. It's now done, but don't be overjoyed by such a huge honor, I think I'll have time to read the books on this list when I'll be retired (so, basically, never).

As I over-commented your chapter already, I'll be brief here.

To answer the comment topic, I got caught in your chapter all right. And I already answered the "how improve it", so let's move on.

About chaos, I think you can make it worse. Like I, once again, already say in my in-line comments, I think you should express more of Janika's feelings, and be more brutal, both in your style and descriptions. Moving on !

(This final comment is so easy to write!)

I'm not sure about the tension between the two men of the love triangle. Kia being very passive and their encounter very brief, I think it misses the target. That said, Janika's feelings for them are on point and Kia's few actions quite coherent.

And I guess I'm done as I already answer about the action syntax all over the chapter.

As always, I'm ready to discuss anything with you (as long as you agree with me in the end).

Have a great spotlight week and if anyone bothers you, tell me and I'll kick their butt.

Cheers,

Sam

(Wow, I think it's my better review ever!)

➤ Network with this winner: PedanticAndGrumpy

➤ 1st runner up: burnedoubt

➤ 2nd runner up: ZonderZorg & FayLane

➤ Final Author's Note: Ok, in the thirteen weeks between my first spotlight and this one, NBR must have gotten way more talented because, damn. That was tough. It was the hardest decision I've had to make all month and trust me, there have been some boiling ponder-pots going down over here lately. But 833 comments? REALLY?! I'm expected to pick the best advice out of 833 pieces of brilliance? 

PedanticAndGrumpy- Sam. Oli. Your comments were exactly what I needed. Every single one of them. Your help with Q3 in the inlines was most appreciated. This is my biggest struggle and I think you were able to help me smooth it out the most. You always know how to pin-point my weaker spots and challenge me on them. While I'm terribly sorry I have yet to offer you something besides the cursed first person present POV, I'm glad that you came back and KILLED IT with some incredible advice in the in-lines. No one can arrange words like you, Oliver (or the reviewer formerly known as Sam).

Not to mention I like irritating you as much as you take pleasure in annoying me. :D

burnedoubt- What you did for me was unexpected. What I specifically appreciated was your attention to my symbolism. You caught it! I'm OBSESSED with symbolism (to the point where there are many running jokes about it). I appreciate your analysis. You didn't focus on the surface and actually pulled back what was on top and dug deeper. I REALLY appreciate that. Everyone did an excellent job skating on the top, but you were able to pick up on the bumps underneath. Thank you!

ZonderZorg- You brought up two things that I didn't realize and it's all because of your literal take on EVERYTHING. I needed that because I live in a figurative world. Thanks for bringing that out in the open. I will be paying special attention to my mutant, multiplying children as well as the apparent expanding and contracting marketplace. I had no idea. None. These will be addressed ASAP.

FayLane- You brought up the shoe. And the jam revolution, but I don't want to rehash failed revolutionary attempts. The sentiment did not spread as well as I thought it would. I'm going to try and preserve my dignity and just move on from here. Everyone said they needed more feelings and reactions and I think you discovered the solution: The shoe in the madness. I tried to do that with the gun, but it seems like it was lost (submerged in what must have been in a massive lake of blood as @ZonderZorg figuratively pointed out). This is why yours and @burnedoubt's comments meant so much to me - they are what will connect. I need to pump this up.

While those names up at the top, there were so many that came in clusters close by. So many.

And those whom I couldn't name winner because @DawnStarling is so mean and won't let me pick twenty, I have to say that there was some incredible wisdom from wandwsawday Kaymarie687 raphoenix23 TimothyMarsh redtoadmedia henry_scott reaweiger painbrook(<—I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE!!!) Riprish CatharticNonsense BillRuesch egerlach92 and AhsokaJackson. Look at that! Look at all those names! And there are so many more that had such wonderful feedback. God, this was hard.

Before I end, I need to give special, special thanks to echo4echo.

Billy is the genius behind this scene. He's the one who took the first gander at it before I even posted the thing to Wattpad. When I went flailing around in panic, he grabbed me by the shoulders, gave a quick squeeze for luck, and pushed me back in the right direction. This chapter was a sloppy mess when I first sent it off to him, so I just want to say that honestly, there is no one wiser, kinder and more generous with his criticism than him. He has been my supportive superstar. Thank you, Billy. A million times.

@Dawnstarling, I'm so happy that you created this group because you're cooking up some real friendships in here.

Thank you all. Thank you, thank you, thank you, everyone of NBR. If this story goes anywhere in life, it's going to be because of you.

❤️Always

L

#weneedNBRchat

---

Author #3: Jacklyn 

Book Title: Unveiled

Specified Chapter: Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: none

Author's Note: Hello everybody!! I can't tell you how excited I am, not only to be spotlighted but to be part of this incredible community, and other amazing writers. I have to give a special thank you to and who must have seen something good enough to get me to apply!

Question 1. Does the hallucination scene, whilst Amy is in labour come across clear? If it isn't where is it confusing. This is a new addition but a pivotal moment.

Question 2. I am aiming for intense, and overly descriptive (although some people are put off by that!). I want my readers to feel their pain and visualise the environment, despite the genre. How did this chapter make you feel?

Question 3. Paranormal isn't to everybody's liking and for those that don't read it, would it entice you. For those that do, does it appeal to you, why or why not?

Just want to note I don't need feedback about the fact that it begins outside, and I'm describing weather. It's a pivotal scene and everything I write has a meaning.

Apart from that I want no holds barred feedback.

In-line Comment Preference: Yes please

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: PG

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: #NBR

First off, the scene where she remembers what happened was pretty clear, except that you need to make sure readers know this isn't Orion at the part where he has his hands on her stomach. Other than that, I could visualize it pretty well.

Characters:

You didn't really show us a lot about Amy's personality; it was more just her story. I saw her as being very dramatic and the type who would easily get herself into bad situations due to her tendency towards drama. I would like to see a little more of what kind of person she is, though.

The same goes for Meredith. I know we only saw her for a short time, but she was very cardboard-cutout. She really didn't have much of a personality and just said the lines that a sister would be expected to say. Really try to show us who she is.

As for Orion, I think you should take him out. You went into his point of view a little and it just seemed off-topic and unnecessary. If he is important later on, then keep him (obviously), but give him a little more.

Finally, as for "him" I would like a little more to show why she trusted him in the first place. He must have a good side, even a smaller one- no one is all bad without a real reason for it- and I would be more sympathetic to Amy if I understood how she ended up with this guy anyways.

Plot:

Though it was a little slow (I'll explain why soon), I found this to be easy to follow. I really liked all the parts that weren't explained. You left me really wanting to find out what would happen next, so good job with that.

I was a bit confused about you omniscient point of view. If it is on purpose, then okay, but if not, make sure to keep to Amy's point of view. Even if it is on purpose, I really wouldn't add Orion's point of view, because it just seemed unnecessary.

➤ Network with this winner: kieran_grace

➤ 1st runner up: black_hole_survivor

➤ 2nd runner up: PassengersofWind

➤ Final Author's Note: First of all would love to thank all those who have made NBR possible and to be part of an amazing community where I can share and learn ways to improve my craft.

Thank-you everybody for their help during my spotlight week.It was hard picking a winner because you all helped and I will take suggestion on board. It has been completely amazing, and a real eye opening in area where I can improve my prologue. It has also shown my ways in where I can improve for the rest of my chapters. With much love Jacklyn.

---

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!