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Commenting time frame (CST): April 14 ~ April 23

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Comment Topic: Comment on the flaws of the main character and how they play into the plot of the chapter. In other words, how it affects the main character and the people/places around them.

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Author #1: BrittNLeigh

Book Title: Never Mine

Specified Chapter: Chapter 9

Summary Thus Far in Book: Wyatt Matheson and Colby Byers have been friends since birth. Wyatt's family works for Colby's at the Byers' family estate, and Wyatt himself is employed as a stable hand. The two high school seniors had been, at one point, in a relationship that was destroyed due to a tragedy revealed later in the book. In this chapter, Wyatt and Colby are in the process of reconciliation, as the aforementioned tragedy damaged not only their relationship, but their friendship as well.

Author's Note: Thank you so much for this opportunity! Being a part of NBR and witnessing the building up of fellow authors through the generous offerings of advice and expertise has been incredible. I feel so fortunate to be able to participate. I'm grateful for this chance, and hoping to improve my work as a result. Thanks in advance to all of you for your feedback!!

Question number 1: Having a story that's dual perspective has had its challenges, but in the end I feel the effort is worthwhile, as I'd like to expose the reader to both sets of thoughts and emotions. Do you feel that I have effectively executed the dual narrative? If not, what can I do to improve it?

Question number 2: As a female writer, it has been an adventure for me to attempt to emulate the voice and thought processes of a teenage boy. Does Wyatt's male voice sound authentic? Does his inner monologue adequately represent that of a teenage boy?

Question number 3: I have had a number of readers point out grammar errors in the form of incorrect sentence structure and punctuation. However, these presumed errors were a stylistic choice on my part, as the story is told in a stream of consciousness fashion. Knowing that this was a stylistic choice, does it make sense to leave this format intact?

In-line Comment Preference: Don't mind

Genre: Chicklit

Rating: PG

Check back to see the winning review!

▼Winners▼

Winning Comment:CT: Flaws? Okay, well, honestly not seeing many flaws. They seem rather vanilla, actually. Two normal, nice teens. Maybe Colby is a little naive, and little insecure, perhaps has a history of alcoholism?but that seems unlikely--by the sound of it, she couldn't really handle her booze, so I'm not reading her as an alcoholic. Wyatt seems pretty much without major flaws--his room isn't super messy, he's protective and supportive of his ex/BF, he's angry some jerk stole her virginity. His anger propels the narrative, and adds some tension, so that works well, and Colby's emotions seem to be a big reason for his actions, so ditto.Still, not seeing may flaws here.

This tends to be a flaw in ChicLit itself--the characters can come off as either wayyy too flawed, or too perfect. I'm not familiar with your story, but keep this in mind: characters with realistic flaws spice up a narrative, and add interest to an otherwise run-of-the-mill 'Boy Loves Girl, Girl Loves Boy, The End' story. I'm, not seeing much here but a slight misunderstanding between them, and it looks like they will probably get together again--but like I said, I'm not familiar with this story, and may be missing a big chunk of info.

Q1): Honestly, I found Colby a little annoying. Her POV dragged a bit due to her dwelling on little things liek teh description of the chain, ect. Try to shorten senescence, and focus less on pontificating her feelings. Show us her angst, don't have her tell us she's angsty. You can kill the emotional impact of a scene (and this one was obviously important, so big no-no!) by over-stating thins, especially in first person POV.

When I'm sad, I don't sit there and think: Oooh I'm so sad! I just cry, and shake, and get angry, ect. I react, I act, I say things that show how I feel. Try to loosen up her POV and make it sound more natural.

Wyatt's POV was a bit more enjoyable. More humor, a little less info-dumping. It did have a masculine tone, but tended to veer off into sentences with long words and unnecessary descriptions of his own actions. There was also an issue with him describing his own voice a lot. For instance, instead of saying: I rasp--Try: My throat is dry. My voice sounds like a croak. I swallow, and try again...

Or something. It's longer, but you mentioned stream of consciousness and I think you want to avoid the characters sounding like they're narrating themselves, if you see what I mean?Also, try to loose some of the "I love her sooo much" inner monologue. Guys don't really do that much. They are very emotional, sometimes even more than women (*sigh testosterone* :-/) but not (for the most part) super good at translating their emotions into eloquent words. We know he loves her. It's okay for him to promise himself he'll be her champion, but to go on and on kills the vibe. Once again, show, don't tell. Just the fact that he's dwelling on the Trey creep shows his feelings perfectly.

On the whole though, they seem like a cute couple! I'd root for 'em ;)

Also, perhaps split their POV's into separate chapters. That way, we don't need to head-jump mid chapter, and you don't need to label the POV shift.

Q3): I didn't notice any grammar flaw per-se (I'm sure you'll get lots of advice on that from our resident  Grammar Nazis) and the only thing I noticed were unneeded long words, and some sentences that could be cut to improve flow and tighten the narrative flow. You want authentic human voices, and I think you're well on your way to achieving that! Keep the style. It works with first person POV. Just try to stay true to each character's unique voice, avoid info dumps, and use more show, less tell.

That's my contribution!

I enjoyed reading through this chapter, even if most ChickLit gives me hives. You've done a great job so far. I hope my review was some help, please let me know if you have any questions or if I was at all unclear!~Faera

Network with this winner: FayLane

1st runner up: CatharticNonsense

2nd runner up: PackerBacker2

Final Author's Note: Thank you to all who took the time to read and review this chapter! I can tell you for a fact that I've learned so much! I'm currently working my way through the entire book making changes with all of your thoughtful and insightful suggestions in mind. While it can be difficult to have your work picked apart, I know it's worthwhile. It has helped me view my own work through a different lens, and I know that the critiques from all of you have already served in making me more deliberate with my word choices, and given me more overall awareness when writing.

Also, thank you to all of you who work so hard to make NBR what it is. What a fantastic tool to continue perfecting the art of writing and storytelling! I'm very appreciative of all that you do to make this happen, and can't imagine how much work it is!

🌭🍔🍟

Author #2: Tegan1311

Book Title: Lost in the Echo

Specified Chapter: Chapter 15: Malice and Madness

Summary Thus Far in Book: Vesper's family sacrificed themselves rather than let the Patrol take her, but she's been on the run for 3 years with these galactic soldiers always on her heels. On a new planet, she's nearly died twice, once from starvation and then from trying to save a creature from being sacrificed. Alone and well enough, things are peaceful...until a predator happens upon her. This fearsome creature chases her, but there's a quiet moment of clarity where her strange skills of manipulation and empathy let her understand it, and it understands her.

But the predator disappears as the Patrol surrounds her, guns at the ready. Varan, the leader of the Patrol and a former friend of her father, and Vesper exchange heated words, Vesper angry that he orphaned her, and Varan furious that it's taken 3 years to get her. The predator returns to protect her and the soldiers are terrified. One soldier runs and Varan kills him for deserting.

Author's Note: First off I want to thank DawnStarling, mokbook, and everyone on the NBR team for keeping this amazing club running. It's a lot of work.

I'm super excited to be spotlighted again. 3rd spotlight and 3rd different book, lol! I write a lot. Everyone who knows me is aware that I'm a grammar-nazi, so feel free to point out any errors.

Questions:

1-    This novel is intended for teens, so I'd like to know how you think the battle scene works for this. I didn't make it graphic, but it is dark. Is it good or should I be more descriptive/explicit. I know even young teens watch things like GOT and Walking Dead, but I didn't want to go 'that' far ;)

2-    As this is in first person, is there too much inner thought and description? Does it slow the pace too much.

3-    There's some action in part of this, but the rest is more about fear and tension. Do these two aspects work together?

In-line Comment Preference: Bring 'em on!

Genre: Sci-Fi with a hint of Fantasy

Rating: PG-13 for violence (nothing really graphic)

Check back to see the winning review!

▼Winners▼

Winning Comment: Good job being spotlight three times! What an honor that must be.

q1) I do think some of your description of the battle scene became repetitive. Words like hit, claw, stricken, when you list the action usually in parts of three:

Examples:

'Patrol's fearful shouting, Varan yelling orders, the predator growling savagely and the sounds of rapid fire lasers.'

'The sound of gunfire, screams, and growling are all just white noise...'

'midst of green rays, people running, the predator jumping and swinging its arms wildly as it claws and strikes at the enemy.' --- a lot is happning here in one sentence. The claws and swiping are used a lot in the beginning of the attack.

But do you see what I mean? When you're describing the scene, sometimes you jam it all into one sentence like these. I didn't mind it, but I would maybe read teen novels to see how they do it? Like Hunger Games and Divergent. Maybe some Harry Potter. I've never read any of them other than the first Hunger Games and I read like five years ago and don't remember how they dealt with the fighting.

q2) Absolutely not. I enjoyed it. It's first person, her thoughts are the story!

q3) I think you focus a little bit too much on her emotions and not enough of the action around and how she plays apart of it. This ties into your action jammed sentence in q1. You throw them in to evenly disperse action and narration. You know what I mean?"

This also ties in to the CT comment... kinda. I already mentioned it twice but your character doesn't act. She does nothing. It actually really annoys me. That's a big flaw. A huge flaw. Her also not able to kill anybody is a character flaw but that's her and I'm not bashing her for not killing him. I'm bashing ehr for not doing anything else than think and watch. Her being passive and not pulling the trigger brought with it a lot pain. No chance at escape since she didn't search for one in the distraction as NO ONE paid her any mind, fighting the predator.

Her bystander, things'll happen to me and I'll just go along with it, really needs to change. The other one seems to be a solid personality quirk that doesn't need to move at all.

Put her in her own story. It's first person, why isn't she doing anything?"

Network with this winner: @Riprish

1st runner up: LLMontez

2nd runner up: wandwsawday

Final Author's Note: I had nearly 500 comments to go through to pick my winners, and boy was it tough. I chose these 4 because they were all well-rounded, constructive, gave great and abundant inline comments so I knew exactly where to fix things, gave numerous examples of 'how' to fix things, as well as pointing out a few things they really liked. They each brought up things I hadn't really considered or gave me a different way to see things and their importance...or non importance, lol!

My winner actually seemed super frustrated with Vesper for not acting, and they weren't the only ones. I wrote her weaker on purpose, and the fact that it got to a few people, some of whom recognized this as pulling them into the story even if it was for a negative reason, actually makes me happy. Sounds odd, I know ;) But don't worry, I'll give her a few movements, change her stance, etc, so she's not quite a statue the first two-thirds.

Painebook if I could've tied you for 2nd runner up, I would've. You gave me an excellent critique with great edits and things to mull over as I edit through this chapter soon.

I would also like to thank:

ZonderZorg black_hole_survivor CrystalPascale FayLane EricaSumner13 reaweiger TaniHanes field19 AdamFenner henry_scott Echo4Echo PassengersOfWind BillRuesch SunshineLola17 TimothyMarsh for their great insight, a lot of which I will be using, not just to fix errors, but in how I shape this chapter when I edit.

Everyone was incredibly kind and I thank you all for your help and perspectives on, not just this chapter, but the characters and story itself. I hope to one day finish this novel, and all these amazing comments seem to have ignited the creative flame for me when it comes to doing just that!

🥙🌮🌯

Author #3: CJN2093

Book Title: School Mystery Meat

Specified Chapter: Chapter Two

Summary Thus Far in Book: Amy finally succumbs to the voice in her head and begins her new life as a cannibalistic catholic school girl. Here is where she begins to figure out how to juggle her appetite and mask her true self to the world. Amy quickly learns how to cover her tracks and lie at the same time, just so she can learn to feed and survive.

Author's Note: 1. Is the fight scene realistic enough? Anything you would add to improve it would be appreciated.

2. How's the pacing and writing style? I'm trying to polish things and trim the fat as much as possible, so any constructive criticism would be appreciated.

In-line Comment Preference: appreciated, so I can work on stuff right away

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Rating: M

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Gurl. Woah. This was definitely not what I expected to read and I was thrilled that we got the opportunity to bite into your work.

Let's dig in! I like starting out with three things you nailed.

Nail 1: Breaking high school cliche - There were a few times you did this. As gross as Randy is, people rarely ever show the class clown taking his obnoxious behavior that far. I really loved that! I especially like your MC's reaction to it. She was genuinely disgusted with him despite the fact that he was doing it purposefully for laughs (to which everyone did laugh). I thought this was awesome and absolutely in-tune with reality. I've taught high school for six years now and I remember kids who (ok, they never crapped themselves) would go to extremes just to get a laugh or to distract me enough to waste class time. This was perfect!

The other cliche you broke was the art class. Even I was a little surprised when you said that because I've always remembered art to be a safe haven for the creatives. The fact that the bully exists there and wreaks his havoc in the art room is both horrible and sad. You did a great job with that as a start, so I would totally play it up A TON. How could the bully not only verbally harass her, but mess with her art as well? Here we should see some pathos. Let's feel bad for her so that when she eats the asshat, we are damn proud of her. If she's at her breaking point, her first meal will seem more justified and not so random.

Nail 2: Humor - There are a few times here where you have the potential to be HILARIOUS. I the only reason it's not this way already is because you have all this room to make it absolutely ridiculous and you only give us the beginnings of what you can do. Seriously, this whole scenario with the Catholic school-girl cannibal is hysterical and offers so much for the reader to enjoy. You have to pump it up. Big time. I'll get into this in a little bit.

Nail 3: Tone - Great attitude. We know exactly how the MC feels. This is where I think you're going to have an awesome time being more ridiculous. You already have her reacting very negatively to almost everything she encounters. You can make her personality darker, more anarchistic, and definitely more disgusted. You've got such a good beginning! You just have to keep it up and make it crazier.

To the questions!

CT: Flaws

I feel like your MC's character's biggest flaw is her inability to hold a consistent emotion. In the beginning of the chapter, we see her as jaded, cynical, and bored with school. She begins with a very strong voice! I expected her to keep this attitude throughout the whole chapter, but she loses it so often, I didn't even remember she had this great start. There are a few places where she jumps around a little too much:

- When speaking with the new friends (both times)

- When thinking about her pictures

- When in the bathroom with Joe

When she begins speaking with the new friends, she drops her dark, brooding attitude and becomes a typical girl who has somewhat dull conversations. She has an incredibly colorful background (growing up in the Congo and everything - which I think might be too close to Mean Girls. In my humble opinion, I think you should try to derive from that as it seems a little like you copied the idea straight out of the movie. I would maybe change it up, like she grew up in South America or Japan or something - just an idea!) which means that she will have a strong inner-voice that doesn't care what other people think. She might even revert back to old habits of the previous culture she was living with. This is a great place to make her a really dynamic character.

Ok, you're probably like, wait, you want her to be dynamic, but you don't like that she's inconsistent - what the hell do you want, woman?

The difference between a dynamic character and an inconsistent one is this: Dynamic characters change based on the lessons they learn from events within the story. Inconsistent characters have unprompted change, they just vary in personality from event to event, never telling the reader what kind of personality they actually have. Your MC is the latter. At first we think we understand who she is based on your really strong beginning and the different times she reflects on the events around her. But then she comes across these girls at her locker and suddenly, she becomes a timid, somewhat bland freshmen. All you need to do is pick her particular tone towards the world and keep on using words and dialogue that portray that tone.

For example: If she's going to have this jaded tone through the story, when the girls come up to help her with the locker, being so negative would mean that she might not initially trust the other girls. When they invite her to lunch, she might think they have some kind of nefarious ulterior motive. These are thoughts that would seem original to your MC as she doesn't just fall in line with the other girls.

The pictures:

When she thinks about getting her picture taken, she becomes really self-conscious. Yes. I know that's how a lot of people feel about Picture Day, but it seems like a strange addition that doesn't add much to her personality. Would she really care about her picture? I like her sarcasm, but it seems so self-deprecating as opposed to her original "everything sucks" type attitude. This MC goes from "I'm going to break the camera" to "I'm going to eat this kid". One sentiment has horrible self-esteem while the other is confident enough in herself to EAT AN ENTIRE HUMAN BEING and try to get away with it. These are two extremes that don't make sense together.

This picture area is where you can show us how confident she is in herself. What could she say to show us this?

Bathroom scene:

OMG. I died at this part. So gross and so full of ripe potential to be NASTY. Going back to what I said before, your MC has so many swings in personality, I wasn't expecting to have her accomplish this eating feat without reservation or hesitation.

I don't want to sound harsh, but this was not a good surprise. This was more of a "this is totally unrealistic based on what we know about this character" surprise. I think since we don't get a good grasp of her personality though all her shifting positions, we have no idea what to expect when she comes across this problem.

The way to fix this would be to consider the following:

- Make a chart of all her personality traits-- three traits in one column. In another, make the opposite trait that she would most likely NEVER feel.

- Bring each scenario to her chart. Based on what you have identified her personality to be, how would she react to that situation?

- When writing these scenes, decide which personality trait you're going to allow to shine through. Pick ONE and then keep going with that one through the entire story. Add the other two here and there, but stick to that major ONE the entire time. This is how we get a sense of who she is.

Just some ideas. I know creating dynamic characters is difficult, but you've got so much ability here to do it and plenty of room to grow her into an incredible character!

And woah - I'm forgetting the monster. That idea is a little over-played but could be really effective when in the bathroom scene. But if you're going to use the monster, make it NOT the cliche. What could you do to make this monster unlike any internal monster we've ever seen? When I think of a monster inside, I immediately think of Dexter (Showtime Dexter, not Dexter's Laboratory). He references his monster as well. How can you differentiate yours from his?

If anything, this is her flaw. She has a monster that she can't control.

Q1: Fight Scene

I think there are places you can work on to make this more realistic, but is realism really what you're aiming for?

What about ridiculous? I could totally see this being an absolutely ridiculous scene where the realism is there and assumed, but that absolutely disgusting, bloody, and obnoxiously gory element is sparking with ten spotlights on it.

She's missing motive. Besides the fact that he's a bully and she recently stabbed him and she's hungry, what other motive is there? If this is her first time eating people, wouldn't she have stronger reactions to it?

I have a suggestion for you.

Have you ever read Splatterpunk?

I was recently introduced to it through an anthology I'm participating in and GURL. OMG EW. There's a story there I think you should look at. It's gut-turning and hard to read, but so perfectly executed, it's hard not to appreciate how the writer constructed it. The author behind the madness is  You should check out his work. I think he even has a work of cannibalism in his profile as well. If you're interested in his short story that got me thinking about your work, it's linked below. (see link in actual round)

I highly recommend it. Take a look at how he uses gore for both shock value and plot. You seem to be inching towards the same goal. I really think with a little attention to HOW your character thinks while she's consuming Joe's body, your fight scene will become more realistic.

Also, have you ever seen the new Netflix show with Drew Barrymore Santa Clarita Diet? I feel like there's a lot to learn by watching the evolution of the Barrymore character on that show as well. Pay attention to her BUILDING attraction to human flesh. It's not instant. It is a thought, then an idea, then a curiosity, then a trial, then an attempt. There's more than just "Imma gonna eat this guy now."

Q2: Pace

You had a lot of scenes that seemed superfluous. If you're going to add these scenes, like homeroom, English class, and the lunch scene, they NEED to serve a purpose. Keep her consistent and keep her building towards something.

Maybe this is where you build your monster or build her hunger. Mention the hunger in the very first few paragraphs. Each scene can include another mention of the hunger. Build and build and build until BAM, the bathroom scene makes sense.

In this story, you're going to want to get us to the climax like a rollercoaster. Keep giving us one hint, one peg, one clue at a time until we get to the bathroom with Joe and then it makes sense when hell is released upon us.

THAT would be awesome.

OK lovely, that's it for my two cents. I hope you enjoy the rest of your spotlight and get some incredible ideas out of this week.

It's tough, I know. It is both horrible and awesome at the exact same time, but your story is holding its own! It's such a solid beginning and I can't wait to see where it goes from here.

Happy edits!

-L

Network with this winner: LLMontez

1st runner up: PassengersofWind

2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

Final Author's Note: This has been fun. Thanks for the help you guys.

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