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Commenting time frame (CST): April 7 - April 16

Moderator: swiftiegirl1010 "Love Trolls!"

Comment Topic: The narrative must support the dialogue by exposing the underlying tension, conflict, and motivation of each character. How has the author used subtext like gestures, glances, body language, and behavior to help you gauge the protagonist's motivation in this current chapter?

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Author #1: AnnieIrish

Book Title: A Rebel's Heart Novel

Specified Chapter: Chapter Three

Summary Thus Far in Book: Forgotten begins with the Union force storming the village under the cover of darkness. Their brutal ways leave many dead, and countless more injured. That night, the soldiers take not only the life of nineteen year old Hope's grandmother(Tess), but of her three year old daughter too.For six months after the attack, Hope remains mute- the trauma of the night having stolen her voice. The only thing that keeps Hope from ending it all, is the thought of killing him- the Commander. He is the one responsible for her family's deaths, and Hope will stop at nothing to destroy him in the same way he has destroyed her. In chapter two, we learn that the Union have developed a Mark, a bar code like tattoo, that when activated hi-jacks the brain of those who bare it. We join the story as one among them- a fourteen year old boy named Ben- is under the control of the Mark, and the Commander has requested that one of Hopes unit step forward to dispose of the failure.

Author's Note: I cannot express how excited I am to be in the spotlight! I'm currently finishing another round of editing to the story in preparation for sending it to Agents(fingers and toes crossed)- I will forever hate the word 'query' and 'synopsis.' Thank you all so much in advance, and a big thanks to the NBR team for their amazing organisation and running of this group! I feel like I should apologise as well...this is not the typical happy or YA story. In fact, it's pretty much the opposite, and quite dark. Hopefully you all enjoy it! I know it won't be everyone's cup of tea! Feel free to cuddle a puppy or kitten to lift yourself after :)

Question one: The description of the marks control- Hope describes this at two points in this chapter. In scene one, when it hits her and Toran, and scene two as her narrative voice gives us more information. The Mark is pivotal to the story, I need the words to have major impact. How did this come across in the chapter?

Question Two: Hopes revelation and overcoming her mutism- Could the emotions here be improved? Again, this is a huge moment for her character development as she realises her self-imposed isolation would be letting her family down.

Question Three: Hopes character voice, along with pacing. She has been through a lot. Naturally this guided me to a quite solemn and anxiety ridden character, a more lively or even sarcastic voice would have taken away from the trauma she has suffered(Gradually she will get some of her spark back, but more so in book two.) My question is, with this in mind, does her voice seem flat and subsequent internal dialogue cause the story to drag? I'm worried she sounds monotone...verging on boring as she feeds us information.

In-line Comment Preference: Go for it! I'll do my best to keep up;)

Genre: Young Adult/Action

Rating: PG-13

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Congratulations on your spotlight, Annie! Before I start, I'd just like to say that I am SO SO SO SO SO excited to be reviewing this! I've been reading your story on the side as just a fan, but now I get to delve into the same material with an NBR perspective and mindset ;) This should be fun, especially since it's different from the other NBR stories that I've read in that I actually know the chapters prior to this one and know more about the background information. Hopefully, that helps you (and me... with writing this review) as well! Also, I haven't read any of the other comments left by NBR members, so I'm sorry if some of these things have already been pointed out. :)

I'm actually going to integrate the comment topic within my answers of your questions, so I hope that's okay! Also, I like to keep all of the comments within one thread, so I most likely won't be posting any in-line comments unless I see something that stands out to me immediately that I feel the need to address :)

-Side note: Anytime I mention a "possible revision", it is just a personal preference based on my own style of writing and experience. However, feel free to disagree or disregard any or all comments I make! As writers, we all have different styles of writing... that's what makes us all unique :) So if you like the way you worded something better, then by all means, stick with yours :) Write in a way that makes YOU happy, because ultimately, that's the only thing that matters!

This is going to be a long post... so please bear with me! Alright, without further ado... Let's delve into your questions :)

#NBR 2:

1. Mark's control:

-Okay, so I think the paragraph starting with: "When it hit, it was as if the blood in my veins ran cold." is the pivotal moment in this story that you're talking about, correct? This paragraph came suddenly and out of the blue, which is realistic because that's how it appeared to Hope. However, I think it would help if you italicized the word 'it', to show that it's not a random word – it's THE word. THE Mark. Without the italics, it just seems like a normal word, and it makes me confused as to what 'it' is.

-Here is a possible revision for this paragraph to make the Mark appear stronger, more intense, and have that BANG! impact:

When [(-italicized- it)] hit, [my blood ran cold]. My body became numb, [as if I was going into epileptic shock. [The strange tattoo cut off the signals from my nerves to my brain,] similar to the way a pain-reliever blocks the brain's reception of pain. My limbs moved of their own accord, [almost like they belonged] to someone else.

> Here, I italicized the 'it' to give it more emphasis. Also, I added more descriptions to show how powerful the Mark really is. On top of that, I deleted 'my muscles seized' because it contradicted with 'my limbs moved of their own accord'. If muscles seize, I imagine them to be cramping and unable to move... but suddenly, her limbs are moving! To fix that problem, I just removed it completely :)

-Another possible revision to the paragraph after that:

The only [things that remained my own] were my thoughts, but I wish they could have taken these too.

[It hurt. Everything hurt.

I tried to move my arm – to take back what was mine – but I couldn't. I was being controlled, and my body had a mind of its own.

Then suddenly, I was stuck in place, frozen in time like some ice sculpture that the Unit had shaped.]

Being held hostage in my body was a horrifying experience, and I prayed I could avoid ever feeling this again. [I wouldn't wish it upon anyone – not even my worst enemy.]

#NBR 3:

-Also, how is Hope able to reach her hand out to wrap it around Sarai's, if the Mark has taken a hold of her and prevented her from moving her own body? And how is Toran able to put his hand on the small of Hope's back, if he, too, has been affected by the Mark? There is a slight disconnection in the text between what you say has happened and what Hope is able to do – it would be best to connect it and stay consistent with all of that! (Unless, of course, I have missed something and am wrong. If that is the case, please feel free to disregard what I just said, haha!)

2.) Overcoming mutism:

-You did an amazing job in showing how Hope feels empowered by the strength of the others surrounding her. Her sudden connection and revelation about the situation is touching, and the emotions behind it were stunning! With that being said, I would like to see more of Hope's internal struggles as to how she overcomes her initial problem of being mute. All you say is that she takes a deep breath... and then she speaks. If that was all it took, then why didn't she speak all those other times throughout the chapter? It's because of Hope's sudden feelings of empowerment that she's able to overcome it, but I would think it's a lot harder than just taking a deep breath. She would have to contemplate in her head... I assume she would also try to speak, but nothing comes out. Or maybe she tried to speak, but because she hasn't used her voice in so long, it sounds a little croaky and harsh. It might even waver! It definitely wouldn't ring as clear as it normally would. When I wake up in the morning, even just after a few hours of sleep, my voice is definitely not normal. It's husky, it's coarse, it's a little breathy... And that's only after a few hours of not talking! So I imagine it would be much more different for Hope. I would like to hear the attempts that she made when trying to speak, and I would like to hear HOW her voice sounded when she did.

#NBR 4:

This is such an important moment for her, and I want the readers to know that! :) Also, I absolutely loved her first words. They were so powerful, SO emotional, and SO inspiring... and you did an amazing job with that!

3.) Voice/pacing:

-I touch upon this more in detail in the 'other comments' section of this post, but for the most part, I think you did a wonderful job with Hope's internal voice. Because she is mute, you HAD to use her thoughts and emotions to add to her character development. And you did it well! One thing I would like, though, is to hear even MORE from her. Based on the beginning chapters of this story, Hope is a very strong, brave character. Her heart is hard and guarded from the losses and deaths that she faced with Tess and Abbie, and she has been through a lot. She was ripped away from everything she knew and from her life with family, and she was thrown into an unknown area/community with some strangers and no family. She has pent-up hatred deep inside, and all she wants to do is avenge her family's deaths. In the way that you wrote Hope's internal dialogue, we were able to feel her fear, her hatred, and her other intense emotions. We saw things through her eyes, and we felt emotions through her heart. You did that well. But I think you could take it one step further and describe events, interactions, feelings, and everything else using stronger words and more details to intensify everything we know thus far. If you used words and described things to include MORE of Hope's personality, I think it'll magnify your chapter even more and help readers to really sympathize and root for Hope in the way that you as a writer want them to do! To answer your question more directly, no, I don't think it causes the story to drag. I really liked being able to feel and see things from her perspective... but again, using stronger words, portraying more intense emotions, and adding more descriptive details will help us to enjoy this story even more!

#NBR 5:

Other comments:

-Possible revision for the second paragraph:

A tense stillness [clouds the air and] descends upon the yard[, forcing everyone into a state of uneasy rigidness.] Even the usual, cold breeze is absent. Just beyond the perimeter fence, the trees surrounding the training yard seem to cease the rustling of their [freshly] grown leaves. The [Commander's previous words, "Dispose of the failure that stands before you," hang heavy in the air.]

> I added more description to the first sentence... Just to emphasize the quiet, still situation they're all in right now. I also think it slightly contributes to Hope's character because we're seeing things from her POV, so by using these words, it says something about her personality and develops her character a little more... But that was really just a personal preference, so if it feels like fluff to you, then definitely don't take that suggestion! I reworded the last sentence and took out the italics because I felt like it wasn't needed... If you include the word [previous], that takes care of the face that these were the Commander's last words in Chapter 2 (if I'm remembering correctly).

-Possible revision for the third paragraph, as well as the sentence after that:

He looks [at] us [through] narrowed eyes. His face [wears a lethal expression as he taps his foot impatiently, waiting for someone] to step forward and complete his sadistic task. I attempt to hide the violent[, uncontrollable] trembling of my hands by [gripping my gun tighter]. The cold[,] hard edges [press] harshly against my palms[, but I pay little attention to the pain.]

[No one] moves.

> I removed 'upon' and replaced it with 'at', as you've already said 'upon' in the previous paragraph. I also revised most of the second sentence to include a few more details about the Commander...

#NBR 6:

By describing him a little bit more and by including some of his actions, the readers will be able to visualize him better! I also added a little more of Hope's actions and thoughts to the last sentence to, again, contribute a little more to her purposeful character development :) In the next paragraph/sentence, I removed the 'minutes pass' and just left it as 'no one moves'... In this way, it's a lot more theatrical and exaggerated, haha! It creates more suspense and becomes a more powerful sentence... and it definitely leaves readers on the edge of their seats, biting on their nails in nerve-wrecking curiosity as to how the Commander will respond to their silence.

-Possible revision for the fifth paragraph:

Ben remains deathly still before us, as if [he is] suspended in time. Clearing his throat[,] the Commander [speaks again]. [This time, his words are intertwined with his feelings of cold, harsh disdain.]

> Again, I just added a few more descriptive sentences to really help readers visualize and imagine what the Commander's voice sounds like. :) Also... You've used the word "us" at least four times in the past two paragraphs. Therefore, I've taken some of them out so it's not as repetitive :)

-Possible revision for the seventh paragraph:

The Commander motions to the guards[, who then advance] on our group[. They quickly remove our weapons and leave] us defenseless against them.

> The last two sentences of the original paragraph were fragments, and I just thought it'd be best if you combined some of these sentences together to form full, coherent thoughts rather than to leave them as fragments.

#NBR 7:

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: Hatred and anger for the man... (and the following paragraphs after that)

Hatred and anger for the man that stands [before me consumes me and threatens to spill out.] [Suddenly, I feel a rush of adrenaline coursing through my veins. It overshadows the original feelings of weakness, and I welcome it with open arms. Members of our group] straighten our aching bodies and] force ourselves to stand tall.

For once[, all of us are equal. No matter who we are, no matter what we do, no matter what we've done... In this moment, we stand together, united by our hatred for this man.] In solidarity[,] we try not to [reveal] our fear to this [deceitful, horrible, and spiteful] man.

The man I will kill.

> Whew! Okay, so there was a lot going on in these few paragraphs. Let me try to break down what I did. Again, I'm just adding more details here. By adding these details, it really contribute's to Hope's character. Because she is mute and doesn't talk, all we have to go about her are her thoughts... By adding all of these little things that she's thinking and feeling, it really adds more to her character and gives her thoughts a stronger voice. Also, I changed the passive tone to a more active tone. :)

In the next paragraph, I just clarified who you meant by "we", "us", "our"... It's good to remind the audience who we're talking about once in a while so we don't get lost. :) Also, I added more descriptions to the 'we are equal' part. I wasn't really sure what you were initially going for, so if I'm way off, my apologies! You can edit it to however you want. But to me, they were already equal – they're all prisoners in one way or another, and they all have the same ranking there. Maybe you just meant that Hope didn't feel equal to them... but if so, I'm not sure why! But I do like how you said they want to stand up to the Commander and are united in that way.

#NBR 8:

I added some adjectives to describe the Commander... but those are just personal opinions. Of course, you know him a lot better than I do, so you can definitely replace any or all of these adjectives with others. (That is, if you do end up keeping this revision! If not, that is completely fine too!)

Also... I ABSOLUTELY love, love, LOVE the last line, "The man I will kill." Up until this point, we see Hope as a very passive person. She keeps saying she has thoughts of hatred, but she never acts on it, and she never does anything about it... But this. THIS right here, THIS is it! Her voice has suddenly come alive, and despite her muteness, we know she's still a strong person who hasn't given up hope. She is going to avenge Tess and her little baby girl, and we know that Hope is still alive, strong, and fighting as hard as ever. She's just going to take her time to do so :)

-For the paragraph starting with: He turns his attention to the device in his hand...

> I don't have an actual revision for this paragraph. Instead, I'm going to recommend/suggest a few things to help revise it. Rather than blatantly saying that he 'retrieved it from his pocket at some stage during his speech', I think it would be more powerful if you mentioned that Hope saw, out of the corner of her watchful eyes, that he stuck his hand in his pocket and was fiddling around with something. You can say that she caught a glimpse of it and wasn't sure what it was (prior to this paragraph)... And then, by the time you get to this paragraph, it's okay if you say he pulls it out. By this time, the readers already know that this device is something important, and it makes the readers curious as to what it is. Also, what does it look like? Is it small enough that he can conceal the entire thing in the palm of his hand? Is it slightly larger, or more circular in shape?

#NBR 9:

Rectangular? Triangular? Rhombus-like? Does it have multiple, tiny little buttons? Or does it just have one big, red button? By describing the details of what this device looks like, it'll help us to envision it in our minds!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: Abruptly a figure breaks away from our line.

Abruptly[,] a figure breaks away from our line. Her motions are [stiff,] almost robotic [in such a way that it is] obvious she [is not moving] on her own [volition]. The sinister device the Commander holds [between] his hands [is the culprit.] [It controls her every movement,] like a puppet [whose master decides its destiny].

> This is just one possible revision of the paragraph you already have. I just expanded on your puppet analogy (I love this analogy, haha!) On top of this, I would add more descriptions. Right now, I'm just picturing a 'walker' from The Walking Dead. A dead zombie with no emotions. Haha! What is she doing? Is she just walking around? Is she looking at the group with a blank, clouded stare as if she doesn't even realize what she's doing? Or does she look scared? Does she realize what's happening? Does she want to stop herself from moving... but just can't because she's being controlled by the device?

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: The girls name is Josie, she is sixteen... (and the paragraphs following that one).

[It's Josie. My guts immediately wrench in my stomach, and my hands clench into fists by my side. I try to stabilize them, but I can't.

I just can't.

Josie was no stranger to me. She was a friend of ours, always coming into Tess's kitchen. Tess used her kind heart to] cook enough [food] to feed a small army, knowing it would not go to waste. [And it proved to be true when people like Josie came. Through this, I've gotten to know her well.]

#NBR 10:

Like it did to [the rest of us], the months of living in [this] prison [had] taken its toll on her. Once a soft spoken[,] sweet [sixteen-year-old] girl with long flowing[,] auburn hair, she [was now] nothing more than shadow of her former self.

[Poor, poor Josie.]

Sharp [cheekbones] protrude from her small[,] narrow face, [and] her [collarbone lays] grotesquely visibility [on top of] the rim of her sweatshirt. Her eyes are [clouded and empty,] and she walks with stiff movements, as if [she's] trying to resist the compulsion.

The Commander has distanced himself [and is now a few paces from where he originally stood.] He follows his [puppets'] actions with grim[,] yet eager eyes.

> I've included more of Hope's feelings and emotions throughout this paragraph. Right now, Hope is just blatantly stating everything that's happening without any emotion... and it's almost robotic. Because she is such a multi-dimensional character, I want the readers to be able to really SEE what she sees through her eyes... and to FEEL what she feels. And how do we do this? By adding more of Hope's reactions to the events unfolding before her! :) Also, I really loved the description of Jodie. You did a good job in comparing her to her normal self prior to entering this camp, and it's obvious how much she's changed.

-I really love the paragraph where Hope says, "No. Not again. I cannot watch another fall by his hand." It really gives the readers an insight as to Hope's thoughts about what's happening, and it builds onto her anguish and hatred for the Commander.

A few revisions to that paragraph:

Somewhere inside me[,] an invisible chord snaps. My hatred [for the Commander, for my situation, and for all of this propels] my body forward [as I prepare] to bring death to him.

Without a doubt, [I'll probably] meet my own.

[But I don't care.]

#NBR 11:

> Again, I added more of Hope's emotions to intensify everything that she's feeling. Yours is amazing as well, and I love that she's finally starting to break and take action. By just switching the diction out with stronger words and adding more of Hope's internal dialogue, it'll help the readers to envision and feel her hatred more!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: Questions swim through my head in confusion over his actions...

Questions [whirl through my mind, reeling at a hundred thoughts per second.

Why[,] out of everyone here[, is] he interested in (-ITALICIZED- my) welfare? Does he not want to end this? Has he not suffered enough?

[But these are just more thoughts I cannot vocalize.]

> I rearranged the sentences in your paragraph, as I thought it would be more powerful this way. Also, in case you were confused, the (-ITALICIZED- my) was just a note that 'my' could be italicized in that sentence to stress the word, haha!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: His words hit their mark and I cease my struggling.

His words [finally] hit their mark[,] and I cease my struggling[, falling limp against his body. Now,] Toran's arms [become] more of a support than [a] restraint, [and] my limbs [shake violently] while the adrenaline that fueled fight [slowly] leaves my body.

> Again, I just changed from words to become more powerful. I absolutely loved the last sentence, though! "Adrenaline that fueled fight..." Ahhh, I'm in love with that phrase.

#NBR 11:

> Again, I added more of Hope's emotions to intensify everything that she's feeling. Yours is amazing as well, and I love that she's finally starting to break and take action. By just switching the diction out with stronger words and adding more of Hope's internal dialogue, it'll help the readers to envision and feel her hatred more!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: Questions swim through my head in confusion over his actions...

Questions [whirl through my mind, reeling at a hundred thoughts per second.

Why[,] out of everyone here[, is] he interested in (-ITALICIZED- my) welfare? Does he not want to end this? Has he not suffered enough?

[But these are just more thoughts I cannot vocalize.]

> I rearranged the sentences in your paragraph, as I thought it would be more powerful this way. Also, in case you were confused, the (-ITALICIZED- my) was just a note that 'my' could be italicized in that sentence to stress the word, haha!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: His words hit their mark and I cease my struggling.

His words [finally] hit their mark[,] and I cease my struggling[, falling limp against his body. Now,] Toran's arms [become] more of a support than [a] restraint, [and] my limbs [shake violently] while the adrenaline that fueled fight [slowly] leaves my body.

> Again, I just changed from words to become more powerful. I absolutely loved the last sentence, though! "Adrenaline that fueled fight..." Ahhh, I'm in love with that phrase.

#NBR 12:

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: We move as one to resume the line formation...

We move as one to resume to the line formation held before the gray. [All is still for a few seconds as we intensely observe the scene that lies in front of us, almost as if we're seeing things through a looking glass. My body is not my own, and everything feels like a dream.]

> I switched up the fragments in this paragraph because I didn't think they were meant to stand alone. Also, I switched "our bodies are not our own" to "my body is not my own", because this is written in Hope's perspective... Therefore, I don't think she would be able to know if the person next to her is feeling the same things she is feeling. By stating "our bodies are not our own", that would give this chapter an omniscient POV, which is completely different from the original, first-person POV you've been writing in!

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: Once again it is Josie and Ben at the front.

Once again[, Josie] and Ben [stand motionlessly at] the front. [Despite the chaos, they have] not moved an inch.

[Frozen in place, I have] no choice but to watch helplessly as Ben pulls the trigger, ending Josie's short life.

> Again, this takes one a more omniscient POV, so I have changed it to just Hope's POV. On top of that, you have already explained that her body is not her own in the previous paragraph, so I took that out and replaced it with something else to avoid repetition :)

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: I stare blankly at the food in front of me.

I stare blankly at the food in front of me, my appetite [gone. The] sight of stale bread and [putrid-smelling] mash that sits upon my tray [make me gag, and I push it farther away.] The Commander was not exaggerating when he declared our status [lower than [rats –] I'm confident even rats wouldn't touch the mess they [fed] us.

#NBR 13:

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: By right I should be hungry, as furthering our torture...

[I know I should be hungry, especially after] we had been forced to complete the rest of today's training without [any meals.]

[But I didn't care. I couldn't eat, and I would assume] that many of our Unit will remain hungry and have trouble sleeping tonight [as well].

> Just tightened up the word and sentence structure in this paragraph. I also added more of Hope's voice into it :)

-This is for the paragraphs starting with: Axel's well placed elbow has jarred my ribs several times..." and ending with: "Since the young people whose parents made this choice make up a large percentage..."

> I just wanted to ask, is this significant to the current scene that's happening right at this moment? Or is there, perhaps, a better chapter that you can place this information in? I think you did this to build up Hope's character right before she overcomes her mutism, but it just feels out-of-place here. It takes away from the current scene at hand with her on the lunch tables, and I think it disrupts the flow of your story. I know all of this information is incredibly important, but I think you could place it somewhere else so that the readers don't get lost in the sudden information that you've presented... You've included a lot of details about Hope and her past in these paragraphs, and it came all at once. I think you could scatter it throughout the chapter (wherever you decide to place it) and introduce these details slowly. In that way, it'll be much more powerful and the readers won't skip over it as much. All of these details are vital to Hope's story, so we don't want readers to get lost in it or get confused! They need to retain this information as well as possible, and the best way to do that would be to introduce the ideas slowly where they're necessary, rather than dumping all of this information on them all at once :)

#NBR 14:

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: It has been six months in this prison...

[Six months.

Six months in this prison. Six months of torture and subjection to their sick [mind-rape] and games.]

I refuse to believe that each one of their families has forgotten them [and abandoned] them to the hands of the Union. [Yet, no one has come for them.]

> I just switched the words around so it stresses the importance of six months. By using this repetition, it gives more emphasis to the words. I think this is just a personal preference, though, as I do this a lot in my own story. I find it works in some cases, while it doesn't in others... but I think this might be a good case where it does work! :) Also, I'm not 100% sure about this, but I think mind-rape should be hyphenated. Otherwise, it just looks awkward to me... But again, I'm not sure!

-I did notice that you included a lot of fragments within your paragraphs. Here are a few, taken directly from your chapter:

"Leaving us defenceless against them."

"Preventing me from progressing through the mass of skeletons that lie between us."

"Observing the next moments as if through a looking glass."

"Our bodies not our own."

"All of them unable to stand back and observe another sick display of power take place."

"Not helped by the sight of stale bread and putrid smelling mash that sits upon my tray.

"Making an effort to draw as little attention to myself as possible."

"Not out of obedience or compliance as some may have viewed it, but out of fear."

"Putting up with the stares and disgust thrown at me by those who refuse to submit."

> While there's nothing wrong with fragments (if you originally intended to write them as a fragment), it could get repetitive after a while, and readers might think you did this on accident rather than on purpose. Try spicing up your sentence structure – long, medium, and short-length sentences are our best friends!

#NBR 15:

But, of course, fragments can be wonderful if written correctly – they're just as powerful as the fully coherent ones. You just have to be careful of the way you word things! For example, in all of the fragments I mentioned above, you could've either attached it to the previous sentence or even added a pronoun in the beginning of the sentence in order to make the sentence flow better. Rather than looking like fragments, they looked more like typos or incompletely thoughts – as if you accidentally forgot to finish the sentence, haha! I can already tell you are an EXCELLENT writer based on what I've read in your works so far, so I know you're more than capable of varying your use of sentence structure to get your point across! :)

Here are some examples of fragments that worked within your chapter:

"No. Not again."

"Not when the Commander is within my reach and I hold the means to destroy him."

"But the words never pass my lips."

"But their attempts are futile."

> I absolutely loved these fragments. These had power and purpose, and they just topped off the paragraphs that you had written just before. KEEP THESE - never change them! I love them! :)

-Just a few other tips:

1.) Make sure you stay consistent with capitalization (i.e., Unit vs. unit).

2.) "No one" is two separate words, rather than one word connected by a hyphen :)

3.) Is it "Havens" or "Haven"? You include both, so I think it would be best to choose one and stick with that so readers don't get confused!

4.) It would help if you include more descriptions about the characters you introduce (or re-introduce) in the chapter. For example, with Josie, you did a wonderful job in portraying her to be a character that we can easily visualize. But with Ben, Axel, Len... And even Abbie's father, you don't do this as much. They're just names without faces to me. Also, I wasn't even sure who Axel and Lan were...

#NBR 16:

If you've introduced them before, I must've forgotten because I can't seem to place them in my mind :( one way to fix this would be to describe a little bit about them every time you mention them so we can put the images together and remember who they are!

You did a great job with this when you wrote, "Even my grandmother, Tess, did not know the real story." This is good because you reminded the readers that Tess is your grandmother... Which is good, just in case they forgot through all the commotion and chaotic events that happened in this chapter!

OVERALL:

As I've stated before, your pathos for each character is SO ON POINT. Like, I literally cried while reading your first chapter. Multiple times. And I FELT Hope's pain, hatred, and anger throughout this chapter as well! You have a major knack for being able to convey strong emotions behind your words, and I love that! The main things that I have to say about this chapter would be to intensify Hope's internal dialogue (even more so than you have already done!) so that it comes off as more impactful and powerful. Also, adding more details to the scenes helps us to visualize what's happening better! You can also use those opportunities and scenes to build Hope's character even more, as it adds onto her perspective and take on things in her own voice. Keep the POV consistent to JUST Hope's, rather than the omniscient POV that happens a couple times throughout the chapter. Congratulations on the awesome ranking on your story, by the way! You definitely deserve it :) And you can be sure I'll be back soon to actively read this story, just as I've been doing... and I can't wait to eventually finish it. I'm so excited, even more so after this chapter! :)

As always, thank you to NBR for introducing me to another great chapter and amazing writer :)

P.S. Wow... 16 parts... This is by far my longest review. Haha! I hope it was even just a little bit helpful, and I hope it wasn't too confusing!

#NBR 17:

If it was, please feel free to ask me to clarify things. My mind is often jumbled up with so many thoughts and things I want to say and get out, that it sometimes comes out all wacky... Haha!

Anyways, thank you for a great read, Annie! I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter, as with all of your other chapters :)

➤ Network with this winner: CatharticNonsense

➤ 1st runner up: ZonderZorg

➤ 2nd runner up: Riprish

➤ Final Author's Note: Shout out to these guys too- wandwsawday, redtoadmedia, passengersofwind, PrairieCreek :)

(I could honestly take up a whole comment thread listing everyones names!)

Well...that was fun! Lol!! It's one thing getting one or two people to review your work. It's something entirely different having over forty different inputs, many from some who you would never have crossed paths with before! Overwhelming doesn't even cut it!

Riprish and ZonderZorg - you guys deserve much more than just mentions. I don't know how long either spent on the review, but it was a long time. For reasons I won't get into, grammar and punctuation really doesn't come easy to me, and its takes a long time to get from a to b sometimes. But your comments really helped me see where I was going wrong, and how to apply it to other chapters:) Thank you so much for that:)

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read and comment:) Although I've read through each one, replying with a 'thanks for your time' comment doesn't seem right, you all took so much care and time with your reviews. Its only right I reply with the same:) If I haven't gotten to replying to yours, that's why:) (also my kids have been off for a week now over easter...little free time lol) But most of the advice is already logged and noted;)

To the people that took the time to read through the prior chapters, if I haven't already said it- THANK YOU. You didn't have to, but because you did, your input meant so much more as you had an understanding of the characters origin and background rather than not understanding what was going on. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing that!

Thanks to the NBR team for the chance to take part in this group:) You guys rock:)

Annie xxx

🐹 🐰 🐻

Author #2: eileenemanon

Book Title: Radio Five

Specified Chapter: Chapter 3: Will

Summary Thus Far in Book: Radio Five is the story of an underground radio resistance that rises up after the mysterious Announcement is made and the world is plunged into the beginnings of a new world order. Each chapter serves as a short story that adds to the larger picture of this resistance, the state of the world, what exactly was announced, and the backstories of our main heroes. In this chapter, which takes place a few months after The Announcement, we meet Jamie, who becomes an important player later on. Chapter 3 is also a bit of a retelling of Red Riding Hood, which was a fun challenge.

Author's Note:

I'm so excited to finally be in the spotlight! Thank you for taking the time to read and here are my questions:

Question 1: I'm having a hard time hooking people with this story, especially since it doesn't follow a linear timeline. What would make you want to follow this story further, even if things weren't happening in order?

Question 2: How did you feel this short story/chapter was paced? Please be specific.

In-line Comment Preference: I'd prefer not to have them

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Hi, Eileen! I hope today finds you well. Let's get started on the questions!

Question 1: I'm having a hard time hooking people with this story, especially since it doesn't follow a linear timeline. What would make you want to follow this story further, even if things weren't happening in order?

Well I can't comment on the book as a whole, but for this particular chapter, I can definitely point out a couple of major problems I see, which I think will need to be remedied in order to increase the appeal of this chapter.

1. Too much early backstory and exposition.

The chapter starts out with a number of tidbits and biographical details that feel like they needed to be introduced later on, and in a more evenly distributed manner rather than clumped together in the beginning like that. Also, it just feels too obvious—as a reader, it somewhat came across as though you set out with a list of things you wanted us to know, and were ticking things off that list right from the get-go. Obviously conveying information is a huge part of being a writer (it's not the only part; there are also things like evoking emotion), but you don't want things to convey things in a manner that feels like you're being presented with a fact sheet. (One thing I like about blog-style writing—I can be at least a little more direct and get to the darn point, ha!)

2. Choppy flow, abrupt transitions. Much of the writing, especially in how you transition from moment to moment and scene to scene, tends toward having a sense of being choppy and abrupt. And towards the end of the chapter especially, it lacked a sense of transition. It was like, "This set of events is occurring. Oh, and now this is. And this." But it felt like you were hopscotching from thing to thing—perhaps you're rushing a bit too much?—rather than pacing things out and making sure it flows well from one bit to another.

Question 2: How did you feel this short story/chapter was paced? Please be specific.

The pacing in the chapter was overall fine, except for those two big things I've already discussed: you need to jump into the main story sooner and streamline the early biographical info, and you need to take the time to create a better flow and smoother transitions when it comes to everything that follows the shooting scene itself. It all feels very rushed and skimmed over. I feel like you're using this abbreviated approach, and that you're skipping over too much.

Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start:

(Refresher on my editing approach)

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. (Ps. There are times where I'll simply show the unrevised version of a sentence or passage, and note my recommendations, but leave it to the author to determine how to revise it).

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse and direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

****************

First (starting with blurb) : A murderer. A hacker. Three students. A sprinkling of conspiracy buffs. A radio show. [The blurb overall is good—intriguing—but I felt that the order of this first part needed to be changed. Having this order...

Three students. A murderer. A hacker. A sprinkling of conspiracy buffs.

...initially makes you think that you're listing the three different students. As in, there were three students: a murderer, a hacker, and a zoologist (just something to fill in that blank). But then you get to "a sprinkling of conspiracy buffs." That does make it apparent that you aren't listing the three different students after all. However, the problem is that you've interrupted the flow that initially appeared to be there. That's a slightly jarring sensation, and while it's minor, it's nonetheless unpleasant and disrupts the overall flow of that paragraph.

But the fix was pretty simple—I just put "three students" after "a hacker." And because you've only listed two things prior, I don't the readers will get the sense that you were listing the three students, because that wouldn't be a logical progression to things.]

Next (moving on to chapter now) : There were three things that Jamie Rider never left home without: her flash drive, her pocketknife, and her red headphones. [Functioning as a noun, "flash drive," does not need to be hyphenated.]

Next: Jamie still remembered the night they had slept on the roof of a high-rise across from the heart of the city. [Reverse issue this time: "high rise" actually is a hyphenated noun.

Also, changed "slept" to "had slept"—the story is already told in past tense, so when referring to incidents even further back in the past, past completed tense needs to be used rather than just the regular variety of past tense.

Next: In fact, she had walked past that same high-rise today on her way to the subway. ["High rise" hyphenation."]

Her grandmother had offered to help the Rider's along, but Jamie's mother had refused the assistance. [Changed "Rider's" to "Riders."

Here are some handy links on the topics of surname pluralization and possession (the third article is a bit long, but then that's because it covers a number of additional topics.) :

] see actual comment in round for the link.

Next: Either way, Jamie had to visit her grandmother today; she had a nasty cold and Jamie's mum had made soup. [I feel that this part flows better when the two sentences are combined, using a semicolon.]

Next: This whole beginning section (that preceding part, about the soup, marking the final part of it) is to me the weakest part of the chapter. I feel like there's just too much early exposition here, and you find yourself wanting to get into the story itself without so much blunt telling/explaining. Just as an example, that bit of info about the family having refused her grandmother's help previously feels like something you could've either brought up later on in the story, or made more relevant if you wanted to bring it up so early. For example, noting that they refused to accept her help, but were instead willing to be the ones providing help. Although obviously soup for a cold isn't on the same scale as financial assistance; I'm just giving some general examples of hopefully making things fit better.

In any case, I really feel like this early part needs to be streamlined, and the removed details can be scattered in more evenly rather than being compacted together in the beginning like this.

Next: As she stood in the muggy subway car, clutching her backpack close to her side, Jamie played with the flash drive in her pocket, taking the cap on and off of it with her index finger and thumb.[Removed "flash drive" hyphenation. Good detail with her fiddling with its cap, though—that's a common sort of thing people do, and I like the attention to detail shown by adding this.]

Next: She couldn't afford a computer at home, and/so all her important documents were saved on it. ["And so" is redundant; you need to pick one or the other. And in this case, "so" is the more appropriate one, since you have the causative relationship; the documents are stored there BECAUSE of her lack of a computer.]

Next: The subway flew into a station. Jamie checked the time: seven minutes before noon. She was going to be late, even if she did take the shortcuts.

Or: The subway flew into a station. Jamie checked the time. Seven minutes before noon; she was going to be late, even if she did take the shortcuts. [The flow with the first three sentences was just too choppy here, so I've given two different options of smoothing things out by changing the punctuation and grouping.]

Next: Her mother reprimanded her and told Jamie not to voice these opinions, but Jamie had never been good at keeping her mouth shut. [There's a bit too much repetition here, of "Jamie" and of "her." I'd recommend finding a way to reword things that reduces the repetitive factor.]

Next: He had dark hair and fair skin, with strange grey eyes. [Removed the comma between "strange" and "grey."]

Next: She was already late—a few clementines never hurt anyone.

She was already late, and a few clementines never hurt anyone.

She was already late. A few clementines never hurt anyone. [The original comma and wording didn't work, because you had taken the comma & conjunction ("and"), which should been together in the middle connecting the two clauses, and instead split them up.]

Next: There was a pause before her grandmother answered. "All right."

Or: There was a pause before her grandmother answered, "All right." [Punctuation was needed after "answered." You can either use a comma so that it connects to the dialogue directly, or you can use a period, making it its own action-beat sentence.]

Next: She turned to see the face of Aiden McKay standing near her.

Or: She turned to see Aiden McKay standing near her.

[Obviously, his face is part of him. However saying that she saw his face itself standing near her is a mashup that comes off very oddly. It really needs to be one or the other: she saw HIM standing near her, or she saw his face.

But not "she saw his face standing near her."]

"They sell good, the microchips of moderately famous people. [Something about this line just feels too stilted and awkward. Perhaps partly because his explanation just feels too formal here and not conversational enough. It's hard to imagine someone in a context like this wording things quite this way. A couple of examples of what an alternate version might look like:

"She's no celebrity/megastar, but she's still famous enough for me to make some nice cash off her chip.

She's no star/pop star, but enough people know her name for me to make some nice cash off her chip.]

Next: Wait a minute. It was her pocketknife. [The italicization here is confusing. From what I can tell, the "Wait a minute" part is her thoughts, but then the pocketknife sentence is the narration again. But because of how it's all right next to each other like that, it just looks like it's all one part somehow, which also means that "it was" would actually be the part being emphasized, as it's the only part not italicized.]

Next: He made a slash at her chip wrist and Jamie pulled her hand back. "You can't remove these! You'll hit an artery or something!" [This part doesn't come off believably. Her explanation here doesn't convey the urgency it seems meant to, plus, even though people don't always react very logically in stressful situations, it still seems like a stretch that she would argue with him like this, as though he actually cared.

And again, one thing about it is that it lacks the sense of urgency or distress needed to make it more believable. It's one thing when people are pleading for their lives and trying to reason with their attacker. But she almost sounds more like she's dealing with a juvenile delinquent or wayward friend rather than trying to calm down a psycho.]

Next: He has the will to k*ll. A will to harm. His will—and his lack of regard for what comes after—makes him dangerous. [My issue with this is that it sounds like narration, rather than what someone would be thinking in a situation like this. It's not the content/point itself ("he's already shown that he's perfectly willing to k*ll innocent people") that I take issue with, but rather the style—it's too formal.]

Next: The next thing she knew, the gun's kickback had thrown her down and Aiden was falling to the floor, a crimson trickle flowing out right below his heart. Jamie gasped and looked away from the gory sight. [Was Jamie standing at this point, or in some sort of semi-reclining position?

Gun kickbacks can be pretty powerful, especially if you don't know proper technique.

This second video—which shows mishaps with a variety of guns, including handguns—has a couple of mildly graphic ones of people actually getting shot, although the most I actually saw was blood starting to stain their clothes. It's more just really stressful and unpleasant to watch—especially people getting smashed in the face from the kickback. That hurts just to flipping look at. There's also some strong profanity in places.

However, even assuming she has no experience and isn't really set up right, for her to be flat-out thrown off her feet by a regular handgun rather than simply stumbling or being knocked off-balance sounds like a bit much. (This is assuming she was standing. If, as I asked about at the beginning, she was still on the floor in a reclining sort of position, then I could see the possibility that it might be able to throw her back the rest of the way.)

These links deal mainly with the effects on the person being shot, but they also do talk about the holder of the weapon as well.

(You may have to sign in to read the Quora one; not sure.)

] see actual comment in round for the link.

Next: The gun was slipped into her backpack. She had taken Aiden's wallet. Jamie would need the money. Sirens wailed in the distance and Jamie decided at that moment that she would run away. [The first three sentences in this paragraph feel quite choppy and abrupt—and also repetitive in the way that they have similar structures.]

Next: The thirteen-year-old ran all the way to the public library and this was where she opened Aiden's wallet. [You had a double "to" here.]

Next: She pulled out old receipts and loose dollar bills before her hands seized a piece of paper with an address to Aiden's chip hacking contacts.

And two weeks later, as she evaded the missing person alerts and desperate pleas from her mother to turn herself in, Jamie worked on her new mission. [The transition here just feels too abrupt, sudden. And it feels incidentally so—not like it was down deliberately for effect. At the very least, maybe you could put one of those visual spacers before this paragraph, like ================ or ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~.]

Next: Mason Wolf's partner in crime had been his brother. Jamie was ready for revenge. She'd find this accomplice. Mason had underestimated her ability to kill. Eli Wolf would pay for his brother's sins. Gran did not deserve this. [Same issue as above with the flow issues. Also, it feels too...plain? Maybe "flat" is more accurate. It's like the audience is simply being told these things in a stiff, blunt manner but it doesn't carry the sense of emotion or impact needed.]

Jamie had changed her name and her appearance. Her very identity was new to her. As she logged into an IRC chat on a public library computer, her screenname flashed on the display.

Red_Rider has entered the chat.

It was time to go to work. [Transition again abrupt, but otherwise I actually do like this ending part, especially the last two lines. Definitely a "Here we go" sort of feel to it.]

Summary:

Weaker Points:

1. Too much "telling" and explaining early on.

2. Choppiness and lack of transition.

Stronger points:

1.Interesting characters.

2. Well-written blurb.

3. Concept for the story sounds exciting.

Well, that about does it! I hope my notes and feedback here will prove to be of use. Good luck!

➤ Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

➤ 1st runner up: CatharticNonsense

➤ 2nd runner up: PassengersofWind

➤ Final Author's Note: What a week! I loved reading everyone's reviews and comments and I first wanted to give some honorable mentions to LLMontez, EricaSumner13, and Riprish. Their comments were so thoughtful, helpful, and entertaining to read! I also wanted to give a big thank you to @DawnSterling and the rest of the NBR organizers.

This was such an exciting experience and it made me so happy to read everyone's comments, interpretations, and critiques. I sometimes found myself reading reviews out loud to my roommates and friends as we were hanging out, simply because I had to share them with someone else! Some of your comments were so on the nose and a few of you had some really unique insights (like Echo4Echo's *iconic* "A Christmas Story" reference, @Riprish's song suggestions at the end of the chapter, or TimothyMarsh's Cory Doctorow note) I kept a running list of the notes I received from all of the reviewers and I will definitely be using everyone's reviews in my edits. I've never shared any of my work with this many people before and I was nervous to do so but it was a learning experience and it also helped me to be a better reviewer myself. It helped me see what kind of reviews are most helpful to an author and I noticed that my reviews this past week were significantly better than they were before being featured.

Thank you all again and I hope to keep seeing you all as we continue to read some great works with NBR!

Best,

Eileen Emanon

🐼 🐨 🐯

Author #3: FayLane

Book Title: River Belly | A Collection of Short Stories

Specified Chapter: River Belly

Summary Thus Far in Book: In this modern fable, a young woman must find her sister before the sun goes down.

Author's Note: Hello everyone! I'm thrilled to be back in the spotlight. I turn 23 in a few days, so this counts as an early B-Day gift. Yay! I want to thank the NBR team for running such an amazing group, and I can't wait to hear what reviewers have to say about my short story. Shall we begin?

Questions:

1): This is meant to be a modern folktale/fairy-tale, with themes ranging from current events to age-old truths, and as such has several layers of allegory. I'd love to know what deeper meaning you derive from reading this story, and why?

2): The style I've used here is a little over-the-top in terms of lyrical prose and wordplay. I would like to know if this style of narration is too distracting, seems contrived or is just plain irritating?

3): I've derived elements from both Native American and European folklore, and was wondering how well they mesh. Are the themes clearly identifiable, or have I been to vague in my allusions to them?

And, as always, feel free to point out any and all grammar/punctuation/typo errors ;)

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Fantasy/Folklore/Short Story

Rating: (PG--One or two cuss words, but no need to shield your virgin eyes)

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: 

Hey, Faera! So happy to see you in the spotlight again! I fell in love with your beautiful writing from the first line during your previous spotlight. And now, this short story reassured me of your amazing talent as a writer. CT - subtext To be honest, I didn't see much subtext in this story. But I didn't need it. Your writing was pure poetry. It felt melodious, like reading a ballad of lost and longing, if that's possible. Every line was carefully constructed and filled with deeper meanings that were sometimes obvious, yet sometimes merely visible like slipping through my fingers (I'm trying to be poetic, too, see?). What I'm trying to say is that I didn't miss the body language, the gestures, the facial expression of your characters. Their words and the way they acted were enough to make your writing deep and memorable. Very well done! Q1 - hidden meanings I love reading between the lines. And your story was that sort of a story that makes you seek for the meanings behind the words. I could see a lot of symbolism, a lot of tropes (personifications of animals) and deeper meanings in your writing. I don't know if they were intended or not, but here are the meanings for the symbols I found in your story: * the river - the personification of eternity; water has been on this Earth since the beginning of time. Water is life. But water can also bring death to the mere mortals of this world. The ones who cannot understand the mightiness, the timeless nature of water end up being consumed by it. The river also symbolizes the passageway, the line between life and death. A lot of rivers, in ancient folklore particularly, are symbolizing the road to the afterlife; they are taking the mortals to the Other World, to the eternity. It seems your river has taken a lot of human lives. And only those who are willing to sacrifice themselves are able to come back to life. Q1 (continuing) * the wolf reminded me of the Celtic Hounds; it symbolizes hunting and leading the lost souls into the Otherworld. In this case, the wolf is misleading, he is false and two-faced. * the Crow / the Raven has a lot of meanings in Norse mythology. They symbolize death, war, misfortune. But they are also the guide of the dead into the Otherworld. I think in this story, the raven symbolizes wisdom and the messenger between the world of the living and that of the dead. It might also represent protection. * Rae, the young sister. In my opinion, she represents a lost soul; she might also be the symbol of innocence and youth. * Dropping the lipstick into the water; I've seen many were confused with this symbol. Truth is, whenever I think of lipstick, the color red is the first thing to come to my mind. And red means blood. Therefore, I believe this is the bargain she is offering to the River: her life. She's willing to sacrifice herself for her sister. * Coming out of the dark water at the end: the triumph of love and overcoming the dark times in life. So these are the deeper meanings that I found in your beautiful story. I'm sure there might be others, but I think these are the most important ones. I'm curious to find out whether my experience as a reader was enough to find the hidden meanings behind your words. Q2 - Simple answer: not at all. It's quite the opposite, actually. The multiple layers of the story and symbols behind every line are pulling the reader deeper and deeper into the story. I simply loved your style. It's not something I would usually meet on Wattpad. It gave me the feeling of an old tale, whispered in front of the fireplace by an old man. In my mind, he whispers this story because he knows that words have magical powers and they might come true if spoken out loud. I'm ashamed to admit it, but I'm not familiar with the Native American folklore. I'm sure there are many wonderful themes in your story and I would be happy to learn more about them.

But I could identify some important themes from the European folklore. I'm Easter European, yet I could still see similarities between Norse and Eastern European folklore. I've mentioned some of them when answering your first question. So here they are:

* the theme of longing for something and going for the search of it (this one refers to Rae, a restless, lost soul)

* the theme of the lost one / a lost soul

* the theme of sacrifice for a loved one

* the quest

* the theme of finding yourself

* the salvation through sacrifice

* the theme of transformation and getting to a higher level of knowledge and existence

So these were the themes that I could easily identify in this wonderful tale. This story was beautiful, simply beautiful. And the meanings and symbols behind it made this short story a great read.

What else can I say? That you are an amazing writer and I wish I could be half as talented as you are.

I hope my review was of a help, no matter how small. I feel that there isn't too much to say in front of such a thorough writing style.

I wish you a happy anniversary and I want to encourage you to keep writing, no matter what. The world needs great writers like you.

➤ Network with this winner: angelapoppe

➤ 1st runner up: BillRuesch

➤ 2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Hello everyone! I'd like to thank each and every one of you for another fantastic spotlight week full of insight and great advice. Many of you offered up unique interpretations of my little story, and it was fascinating to behold! I now have a complete psychological profile on each NBR eviewer, stuffed into a top secret folder in my Bat Cave.

MOUAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA!

Okay, okay, just kidding ;)

I've selected 's commnet as my winner, angelapoppe for her helpful insight into the flip-side of the folklore symbolism in this story. Thank you Angela! BillRuesch came in 2nd for some thought-provoking comments. Oh, and he said I reminded him of Bob Dylan, so there :P

is on 3rd. You, TimothyMarsh sir, are the King of Pep-Talks and thoughtful critique!

Before I go, I wish to include brief breakdown of my own interpretation of River Belly:

-Wolf: Wolves are not intrinsically evil in Native American culture--often quite the opposite, in fact. So, my idea was that Wolf symbolizes the problems faced by many indigenous cultures: crime, poverty, addiction, institutional abuse, trauma, ect. He's a twisted version of himself, turned into the classic European Big Bad Wolf.

"Twisted, broken beast. You forgot what was stolen, didn't you?"

-Rae: She's hope. Hope for the future. By going after her, by never giving up, Crow is investing in her future, the future of her people. Rae is that part of us all that needs to be kept alive, no matter what horrors we face.

-Coyote: The trickster, the folk hero, reduced to a wreck, yet still strong enough to help Crow, in his way. He met the same troubles as wolf, but he isn't broken, only bent. Not all who stumble, or even those who fall, are lost.

-Raven: She's what Crow could become if she never found Rae. A victim of a passing stranger, a world-weary woman out in the cold, puffing her life away. She lost hope long ago. Still, like Coyote, she's not all bad.

-Crow: She's the seeker. Though she's lost Rae, she will never stop searching for her missing piece. She will be strong for all those who've failed. She challenges the past, she looks upon the world without judgement, hate, or selfishness, and finds the strength to build a better future.

-The River: The River and her drowned daughters were not based on any particular folklore (although the river Styx comes to mind), but is rooted in current events in my country. Specifically, a number of unsolved cases involving missing and murdered Aboriginal women and girls, centering around Winnipeg's Red River.

"She has taken many before. Their bones lie sundered in her belly, skulls clinking together in the roiling, endless churn of water, worn smooth by time until nothing remains but sand."

There's more, but if I go on I'll bore y'all and make a nuisance of myself. All in all, it's a story about the strength we all have inside us to shape a better tomorrow, not only for ourselves, but our kids. No matter what has come before, there is always hope.

Thank you all for reading.

Au revoir!

---

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