Announcement(s):  The first ever Battle of the Chapters (BoC) has come to an end and we find ourselves with a three-way tie. Between ericdabbs, Echo4Echo and VeilofPetals. But alas there can be only one. A member of the board (who has not yet voted) has been tasked with casting the winning vote, which we will announce next round. Thank you to all who participated and look out for the next competition, coming your way VERY soon!  

Commenting time frame (CST): March 31 to April 9 

Comment Tip: Give credit where credit is due. Many of us read reviews posted by our fellow NBR members before we post our own. We often get ideas from them and there is nothing wrong with that; however, we do ask that you remember to reference the member(s), give them credit for their idea. 

Here's a nice little formula to remember (courtesy of ChayAvalerias & The3dreamers):
(1) Say you agree with a point or statement another person has posted, be considerate and tag the NBR member who originally made the comment.
(2) State the point they made, your agreeing with or elaborating on.
(3) Then, give your own opinion or perspective on it.

Comment Topic:  Pace, it's important. Too slow and you lose the reader. Too fast and you may lose the details. Comment about the pace of the chapter. Too slow? Too fast? And how can it further be improved?

Moderator: mokbook "Everyday's a thunderstorm."

Press those pretty stars :-)

Author #1: confabler (Please don't judge my pen-name. Only 'Jia' was exceptionally forgettable)

Book Title: The Phantasmic Travelogue 

Specified Chapter: ::1:: Lo And Behold The Witches 

Summary Thus Far in Book: Seven caffeine addicted witches lead to the apocalypse and... 

Author's Note: I'm bouncing around the house like a pinball. Finally, it's my turn to be the spotlight author.

Thanks in advance to every NBR member for their time and effort.

Many thanks to mamoritai for introducing me to this forum and the admin. team for their tireless efforts, esp. The3dreamers, ChayAvalerias and @DawnStarling with whom I've had the pleasure of interacting.

The book has been written –pantser style. And this chapter is essentially a prologue, just not labelled as one.

If you are able to, please read for the first time without the objective to critique. I wrote this to make people laugh.

P. S. English is not my first language and neither my second. I hope that is not obvious.

Q#1:  Loopholes in the storyline and narration.
* The curse involved has specific terms. The ability to move in only one direction, the patched-up physics of a cuboidal Earth, exploring the magical abilities in a non-cliché manner, etc... Am I doing alright in following the rules that I set up?
*And there is an active third person –limited narration from the pov of a pre-defined character. Please holler if there is a loophole in that or if there is any difficulty in identifying the narrator.

Q#2:  Any pros, or cons that interfered with imagining the story? Especially: indirectly breaking the fourth wall, double tenses used for the three timelines, showing v/s telling, active/passive, voice, dialogues, adjectives/adverb-a-rhea, characters or pacing.

Q#3:  The complete story is triple tiered with different moods/genres to each layer.
The book started out with humour, but as it progresses the comedy decreases (but is constantly present) and different tones take over. I hope the change in writing style doesn't put a damper on things. Would readers lose interest if they started out in search of a light-hearted, one-time read with exaggerated humour and instead, find themselves in the midst of a more serious plot later on? 

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Fantasy/Satire

Rating: PG-13

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: "#NBR 1 of ncount

Hi Jia, congratulations on the spotlight and I understand why you in particular would be excited about it. Your work is not conventional, so it must be really hard to get a feel for whether you're on the right track or not. When I review, I take notes as I go, because once I've noticed something I tend to not notice it again. But as you requested, I read it right through without commenting on my first go. CT: Pace?There is more to pace than events or new information per word. And while comparing the word count, to the word count of someone relating what happens in the chapter, might be a good start, for something like this it isn't accurate. This is because your story is not about the events, it is the journey and the style. Unfortunately, I feel that is also where you're letting yourself down. I'm going to jump right into (2)Breaking the reader's immersion. I'm not sure if you'll see it this way, but I felt like your whole chapter was telling. This is because, the boot, narrating the from the future, is telling back story. Because nothing happens in the present, you could simply bring the reader right into the events you relate in the chapter instead. Make it a prologue and start in that doomed parking lot, but make the reader feel like they are there. Secondly, humour in writing can be divided into two types. That which stems from the situation and how characters respond. The other from the narrator's style and their jokes. Yours has not really explored type one, but relied heavily on the second type, driven by the narrator. Unlike the first type of humour that relies on and generates immersion, the second type destroys immersion by reminding the reader that they are reading.""#NBR 2 of ncountDon't get me wrong, I'm not criticising the style. I'm just pointing out that it doesn't encourage a reader to feel like they are there. Being immersed in a story is really enjoyable, but it is not mandatory for a great read. But to make it work without it is hard. Really hard. And it relies on a different style, new rules, and pace is not one of the requirements. But to make it work, it will need to reward the reader in other ways. Humour is one way, delivering knowledge or a new perspective, wisdom, or motivation to be a different person all pay the reader back for their time.
So, for this style, instead of considering pace as we are familiar with it, maybe you should consider density of reading rewards. How much time does the reader have to spend for the laughs, the insights, and the curious ways of seeing things? This will guide you in deciding what adds value for your reader, and what is unnecessary. In my opinion, unless I missed a joke, the section about 'truth in tweets' was extra.
1)Loopholes in the storyline and narration (POV)?I don't need to tell you that this is all nonsense. But in a nonsense world, how do you get a reader to care about events? What is the same and predictable about this world, and what has changed and become unpredictable for the reader?"
"#NBR 3 of 6Lets begin with your curious concept of only being able to move forward in one direction, but be able to be carried back. This could work in the rare instances that two people were facing each other when cursed. Of course the pair must remain side by side for the rest of their lives. One going past the other means they'll never get back. But consider the more probable situation of a triangle of people. As soon as one person carries another to a new destination, they are on a new and improbable path. The chances are heavily biased that the new path is close to a wall or other obstacle. To get away from the obstacle, another person would have to come from the direction of the obstacle, which is impossible. So in a very short moment everyone in the town will have either passed all possible intersections with others, or be against an obstacle that no other will come through. Model it for some extra fun.
In a time when mobile phones existed, the skills, materials, and tools to survive a subsistence lifestyle don't exist. Even without the curse, such a society will fail. Add to that dramatic climate events from a cube earth that doesn't rotate, and your society does not have a chance.
But let's assume that it did, because this is your story and nobody is expecting hard scifi from it. Instead, I'm going to consider the magic system. When you have a system that has clear and logical rules, like magic energy takes rest to build up, and can only do what is within the physical strength of the caster, people can relate to it. And when the magician is tired and faced with an entrance blocked by boulders, the reader is hooked in because they care about the problem and know it can't be magicked away."
"#NBR 4 of 6But if the magic has no rules, everyone has different and highly varied abilities, then when our hero is stuck behind boulders, no one cares. He'll either blink them away, or a passer-by will blink them into marshmallows, or he'll sleep and whisk them away in his dreams. The reader can't invest because they don't see any difficulties.
By listing off a lot of magical abilities, you warn the reader of a chaotic and unfounded magic system, telling them that nothing will be a problem for their protagonist.
3) Genre shift towards serious?I understand that this question is framed in the context of a novel that we haven't read. So while I've got a solid idea of the tone for the first chapter, I can only guess at where it goes as a serious work. So take my following advice in that context, a guess.
There are millions, literally, of books in the world. Most people read a couple a year, some read one a month, or almost 1,000 in a life time. Many people never get over the 200 mark. So people choose a book by its genre, its style, and its cover. Great cover by the way. So what you need to ask yourself is if the sort of person that would enjoy reading a serious work, would make it up to that point in your book. And the person who enjoyed the light-hearted nonsense, would they be willing to put in the work that a serious book demands for it to be understood? My thoughts are that they wouldn't. The two styles are too distinctive."
"#NBR 5 of 6Writing is a skill that never stops developing. It is also an art form that goes through phases and fixations. If you've changed and developed as a writer since beginning the book, fine. Just re-write the beginning. Or more likely, cut and start the book where the main action got serious. It is amazing how much back story comes out as required, and anything that a reader misses, you can touch up as you edit. Many of the great oil painter's master works reveal layers of re-work under their final outcome. Great novels have a very similar history, and there's no reason why you shouldn't do the same.
Every key on our keyboard is useful, but the one that improves our writing the most is the delete key. Don't be afraid of saving a copy and then going to town on it. And no, I'm not saying you should delete this chapter. I'm saying that a different novel, with the more serious ending may not need it. You may choose to split it into two works, writing a new beginning for one, and a new end for the other.
But what I have noticed in your writing is that you've had fun. This is important and makes your writing fun to read. So which ever way you decide to go, don't let go of the spirit of fun that imbues your great writing."
"#NBR 6 of 6Finally, and this may not relate to you, but I'll let you know how I recognise a great writer. They have no style. None at all. So while I'm reading them, I never think to myself, 'what a clever writer'. I simply find myself lost in the world they created. Only after, looking back on my experience, do I recognise their skill. Even when they've created a fantastic and distinctive voice in the narrator, brimming with personality and attitude, they never distract me and make me think about the author, instead the narrator is a character in the background that I will never forget, but also never mistake for the writer's styless voice.
So for you, I think of your boot as sassy and quixotic. It has the sense of humour and tells the jokes that it finds funny. If you can write through the boot, not as the boot, and keep this distinction clear, you'll go a long way to not distracting your reader with cleverness."

➤ Network with this winner: TimothyMarsh

➤ 1st runner up: BillRuesch

➤ 2nd runner up: LLMontez & kemorgan65

➤ Final Author's Note: Honorable Mentions: Riprish MorganMcClure5 consciousdreamer1 PassengersOfWind redtoadmedia I would have named at least 30 more who helped me a lot if I was not so afraid of Dawn.:-)

I would like to thank each and every one of NBR's talented reviewers! I'd personally deliver a bouquet of flowers to all 52 editors, if I knew where you guys lived. Sooo... if anyone wants to text me their home address...;-) . I can't express enough gratitude for the amount of dedication all of you put into straightening my piece of eccentric writing. It will be all better because of it. NBR spotlight was like being in the company of literary scholars sharing their experiences and scrutinising every detail to give the story an opportunity to be the best that it can be. Love you all for that! 

I appreciate Riprish's detailed in-line comments that improved the structure of the chapter. Thanks to MorganMcClure5, FayLane, CatharticNonsense and KillYourDarlings7 for their amazing analysis at both the micro and macro levels (an apt phrase I found in Morgan's review). Special thanks to AnnieIrish for suggesting amazing word replacements, henry_scott  for prompting me to do a bit more research about cuboidal Earth and its rotation, consciousdreamer1 for making the extra effort to solve the 'gaggle' confusion and for restructuring the semicolon mega-sentence to perfection. I owe a ton of thanks to redtoadmedia for finding a solution to the twitter server issues and PassengersOfWind for giving such useful suggestions that I can basically copy and paste them without a second thought. LLMontez through her review and discussions was a source of inspiration for a few new chapters and is single-handedly responsible for solving the difficulties lovers of my book were facing. She was also kind enough to introduce the innocent citizens of Barrens to the deeper worlds of crime and the underworld network (unintentionally on her part;-)), apart from other awesome suggestions. 

kemorgan65 performed a diligent scrutiny of the mechanics of the world and brought many shortcomings to my attention, along with giving me the idea to add a new character who can bring order to the chaotic world soon after the curse. BillRuesch was kind enough to find minute structural and logistic errors along with a more comprehensive and detached review to give me some perspective on how to move forward during the edits. I selected TimothyMarsh as the winner because his comments took a more panoramic view of the complete chapter and provided detailed arguments to every suggestion he presented. He also gave me a much needed answer to a question I had deleted before the submission for the round about style. I had been blindly searching for a way to carve my name through words when all it takes is to not worry about it and just write. 

My final debt of gratitude goes to my friend angelapoppe for being my supporting pillar during the spotlight week. Thanks again! I hope I take up the right course with editing and you guys like the final outcome. 

Author #2: AmericanBruja

Book Title: American Bruja: The Los Angeles Cauldron.

Specified Chapter: 6.2 Awakening (conclusion)

Summary Thus Far in Book: Fourteen-year-old Amber McBride is forcibly relocated to the enigmatic House on Lizard Hill. Despite her new home lying within an outlaw outpost at the epicenter of a rugged wilderness, countless others are drawn to the same boulder-strewn backdrop of the Simi Hills. From the Manson family's taking up residence at Spahn Ranch to her north, reality stars like the Kardashians to her south, former President Ronald Reagan being buried to her west, and every Western movie ever filmed before 1950 to her east: locals say that whatever one seeks in the hills, it shall be found. When confronted with the ghost of a teenager that disappeared during the 1980's and a family of brothers living under a curse, Amber and her new friends embark on a harrowing venture to become American Brujas. The forces that align to stop them are beyond what a group of high school students could ever have imagined.

Author's Note: Welcome NBR members! I'm so impressed by the quality of reviews provided by our membership. The amount of time and level of critical thinking that each reviewer puts in each week is truly impressive. So, pat yourselves on the back for a job well done.

The Wattpad version of American Bruja: The Los Angeles Cauldron breaks the print version chapter into smaller "Wattpad" size bites. The selected Chapter (6.2) is the conclusion to the print version of Chapter 6, well into the story. At this point, fourteen-year-old Amber McBride has met the house ghost, had a run-in with some of the local "Lake Boys" (aka the Salvia brothers), and started her new school.

When we drop into the chapter, she is being chased by an ex-girlfriend of one of the Salvia brothers. The jealous ex brought three friends. In honor of "Kick a Ginger Day" (yes, this really happened, some jerks over at Calabasas High invented it), the group of Seniors plan to beat Amber up.

Amber is unusual in a number of respects. What is important to know for this chapter is that she has always been able to see what animals see, and sense basic instincts, such as flight or fight. But up until moving to the Simi Hills, she has never been able to communicate directly with them. When she first moved into the House on Lizard Hill, the turkey vulture (Latin name: Cathartes Aura, which means, "purifier") landed on her fence. Through his eyes, she saw an image of a darkly clothed man. His face was hidden. In this chapter, she encounters the vulture a second time.

Reviewer Questions:

1. The Simi Hills are real, and I write in large part to bring awareness about this very special place as we fight to save what's left of our open space. As you read this chapter, are you able to picture our landscape?

2. The Simi Hills are the most burned-out area of LA County. As you read this chapter, was the firestorm conveyed in a realistic manner?

3. Based upon this chapter, what is your impression of Amber McBride?

Thanks in advance for your feedback. I'm looking forward to it!

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Paranormal

Rating: PG

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: #NBR Yes, I could picture the landscape. I saw rocky hills with low brush-type trees with sparse undergrowth punctuated by occasional majestic oaks. In my mind, it is green with spots of color from the laurel in bloom, but with a bit of brown thrown in. The wildlife that ran by her gave me a sense of what you might find in the park where nature is preserved. After writing this, I looked up Simi Hills on the Internet. It was much as I pictured it. Good job painting us a word picture of this place that is special to you.

I thought the firestorm was very realistic. I have no experience with wild fires, but my sister was a fire fighter in the northwest. Your description jived with things she has told me. Off course, I have seen fires in movies and on the news. What impressed me was the physical description of Amber's response to the fire, as well as your personification of fire (see in-line comments.)

Based on this chapter, I find Amber fascinating. I like that she doesn't take the abuse of the upper classmen lying down, but is willing to run away from the sanctioned abuse. Her athletic ability comes through as she paces herself to outrun her pursuers and as she climbs the wall. Her respect for the land and the wildlife comes through. I see her as confident, but regretting her independence when she faces the prospect of death without her mother hovering to warn her. She seems at peace with her paranormal abilities and takes advice readily from the vulture. She does not seem to question her visions, but takes them in stride as she flees for her life. I imagine she will examine them more closely later when her life is not in imminent danger.

#NBR I found no complaints with the pacing of the chapter. You managed to include abundant detail about the area as the action unfolded. The action itself, kept me on the edge of my seat, so to speak. I generally don't much like reading a chapter so far into the story without going back and reading what transpired before. Since I didn't have time to read the rest right now, I plunged in with some trepidation. Instead of being lost and wondering about parts of the chapter, I found myself immersed and hooked. When I have time, I will definitely go back and read from the beginning. Good job.

In-line comments:

The topography of the dog park was open and exposed, leaving nowhere to hide for very long without being quickly found out.

#NBR I don't think you need out at the end of this sentence.

Dashing past thigh-high buckwheat bushes turned crispy rust by the sun; Amber consciously kept her breathing even to conserve her strength.

The semicolon here should be a comma. Semicolons are used to separate two complete thoughts not connected by a conjunction. In this case you have an introductory phrase that cannot stand alone, so it should be separated by a comma.

Stretching out its six-foot wingspan, Cathartes Aures the vulture blocked Amber's escape route.

#NBR Comma after Aures.

I would set vulture of with commas because you use the scientific term followed by the common term, which is an appositive. Kieran seems to disagree. Once the scientific term is introduced, you would normally use one or the other, not both.

She began running again, keeping the private road at the top of the hill in her sights. Angry shouts and curses taunted her, borne on the wind.

#NBR I would put borne on the wind at the front of the sentence. Where it is, it modifies her and she is not borne on the wind.

Fire lit up an ancient oak like a torch in front of her, flames rocketing up over 50 feet in the air as the fire sucked oxygen in a whirling vortex.

#NBR Since you've already had the fire suck oxygen, I would simply say as the fire became a whirling vortex.

Nearby laurel sumac bushes exploded with resounding boom sounds against the backdrop of the now fully engulfed state park.

#NBR instead of boom sounds, resounding booms.

Weakly turning her head, Amber gazed out upon a sea of fire, a vision from the book she'd been reading in ninth grade honor's English, Dante's Inferno spread out in a masterful arc before her, from the murky depths of the grotto to the pinnacle of the mountains.

#NBR Commas after Inferno.

Weakly turning her head, Amber gazed out upon a sea of fire, a vision from the book she'd been reading in ninth grade honor's English, Dante's Inferno spread out in a masterful arc before her, from the murky depths of the grotto to the pinnacle of the mountains.

#NBR probably just a matter of style, but to me the phrase starting with from the murky would sounds better as the beginning of the next sentence instead of the end of this one.

Amber dangled precariously between a narrow precipice where survival is questionable and sensing as much, she shakily raised herself onto her elbows and creepy-crawled combat-style further back into the cave.

Is here should be was as everything else is past tense.

Brush tottered above, indicating that the older girls were still in hot pursuit.

#NBR When I think of the word tottered, the connotation does not lend itself to trees, at least in my mind. Swayed or shook might give a better verbal picture.

Readying to bolt past the rattler, she was stopped yet again by a furry wave of small rodents. Bushy-tailed tree squirrels and thin-tailed ground squirrels moved in unison with their sworn enemies, voles and weasels. Tiny field mice scampered astride bulky gophers. Unbelieving, she saw more snakes join the fray, as predator and prey descended side-by-side.

#NBR Good description of animals in flight. Your reader's mind immediately screams fire. What else would cause wildlife to stream together away from encroaching evil.

Trying hard not to look down into the deep chasm, Amber made her way down to a gully. The streambed was deep, requiring her to scramble on all fours up the banks. She found her hands and knees sinking into the caramel sands of the trail rounding the meadow.

#NBR Caramel sands. Nice imagery.

The entire hillside erupted in a cacophony. Quickly turning, she faced the path and simultaneously had to duck down low as a screeching flock of quail stormed over, grazing her as they went.

Good way to introduce us to the animals that live in the area. I've always liked the word cacophony. It fits well here. Flocks and clowders, nice insertion of the names for groups of animals.

Cascading in a tidal wave, a raging inferno stormed down the hill. Laurel sumac bushes caught fire as it came, flames coalescing around the maroon core and then exploding as the combustible oil of the chaparral reacted to the fuse. The sounds of cannon fire drowned out all other sound as the fire sucked oxygen, creating its own swirling wind.

#NBR Raging, stormed, coalescing, exploding, cannon fire...all great ways of describing a fire that has taken over and has no barriers to stop it.

Three chilling words pierced her consciousness:

#NBR Good way to introduce a historical context of past fires and introduce, perhaps, some of Amber's own paranormal abilities.

With renewed courage, Amber raced across the meadow, feet finding the way to a hill where she saw the animals stampeding. The fire mocked her, aided by the wind andburning along the eastern edge of the park as she ran. It was following her, blocking all chance of escape.

#NBR I like the personification of fire. It brings it alive, makes it another character in the saga.

She had to keep moving and according to the vulture, north was the only way to safety. Out of options, she had no choice but to follow the direction in which the animals and birds had fled. Keeping her eyes on what bit of trail she was still able to see, Amber coaxed her limbs into a slow, painful jog. The soot-filled air trapped heat that pressed in upon her from all sides.

#NBR I'm glad that you acknowledged the physical toll the fire is taking on the girl. We see her as human despite her paranormal abilities.

She never looked down, or out to either side, and as much as she yearned to cling to the rock face, her body went into autopilot and followed the instructions given when she and Shelby took rock climbing. All new climbers are taught to resist the urge to hug the rock because gravity and friction work better with weight concentrated on fewer points rather than spread out across a body, and a climber's knees should never touch stone.

#NBR Good to acknowledge her training here, as what she is doing obviously had to come from practice because it's not an innate reaction.

The roaring of this fire was of a different sort than the homey crackling of the campfire, or even the exciting whoosh of the initial combustion when one adventurous soul decides to squirt lighter fluid on the pile of stacked logs in order to awe the assembly. These guttural croaks were ancient and vengeful. Every shattered and broken thing wrenched forth another howl of rage for fuel consumed too quickly.

#NBR Great descriptive paragraph, giving the personified fire an ancient and vengeful personality.

Three hours without warmth.

#NBR Rule of three. Nice.

The fire continued to rage outside, turning everything in its path into fuel, designed to feed the monster while the night sky was ablaze with demonic light.

#NBR Nice way to end the chapter and hook your reader into continuing. Demon fire indeed.

[Elizabeth here: I swear that AndiCook was the first one to explain "gerund" (it was in an in-line comment, with an example). I can't find it now. I remember it, though, because this revelation is very important to improve my writing.]

➤ Network with this winner: AndiCook

➤ 1st runner up: KillYourDarlings7

➤ 2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

➤ Final Author's Note: This week was the most fun I've had on Wattpad! It's been great getting to know the #NBR members.

I've come to important realizations that will improve my reviews, thanks to all of you:

1. I'm going to review earlier – ideally within three days of posting. I'm one that comes in right under the wireL.

2. I'm now a fan of inline comments, and will use my IPad from now on to review. My desktop hates Wattpad.

3. I'm going to "borrow" llmontez's idea and begin my overall review with three things I liked about the chapter. Her example reminds me it's important to lead with what works.

Thanks to DawnStarling, mamortai and the other #NBR admins for creating and facilitating this fantastic group! We've got something special here. Perhaps we can think of a way to expand peer-to-peer mentoring beyond Wattpad's borders.

[insert groaning here, because every Spotlight author writes this] The talent pool makes it so difficult to choose! My list of reviewers to thank included just about everyone. I had multiple reviewers placing. My husband and AB cover designer DoddHarris called me out and told me to suck it up (quote: "Why should your vote count more than everyone else's?" BTW, if you appreciate his logic, he writes the dialogue for the manly-men and the boys in AB. He refuses co-writing credit).

The thank you list: Reviewers that made me laugh: FayLane, for the crow joke, and Echo4Echo, for explosions in the State Park as the ROTC terrorizes the locals.

CatharticNonsense Riprish AshokaJackson  and last, but certainly not least, Triple Crowner SapphireAlena for the time spent, grammar, and valuable insights into character development, background and pacing.

The winners:

#1: I choose AndiCook because: a) her comments are written in plain language; b) she explains grammar rules in a way I understand; and c) she was the first to flag bad habits I've picked up over the years, and identify how I'll correct them.

Her feedback improves my fiction writing, and my writing as a community psychologist. The latter was an unexpected surprise. There is a movement in my field toward "plain language," so our findings disseminate to a broader audience. @AndiCook has helped me along this path. I'm grateful to her, and to the #NBR community.

#2 KillYourDarlings7 is a former firefighter and her feedback about proper terminology, behavior and factors influencing fire are invaluable. I'll consult our local Station 75 for guidance to ensure the chapter revision will pass muster. As a scientist, I'm a stickler for accuracy when writing about story lines within the realm of reality. The story is within the paranormal genre, but some of you may be surprised to learn that I adhere to the laws of physics. No body = no way to move objects. I'm the annoying audience member that laughed through Paranormal Activity. The game of the ghost is mental. Interested? I hope you'll continue to read American Bruja.

#3 TimothyMarsh expanded upon themes identified by @Andicook. His feedback provides a wonderful synopsis of issues reviewers identified throughout the week. Three primary issues are the need for shorter sentences to increase the action, retract the landscape lens to focus on "big picture" things Amber would notice, and a greater focus on Amber's inner dialogue (take a critical look at the "narrator" voice).

Author #3: wordsinsilk [Board Member]

Book Title: Ravenous Three

Specified Chapter: Chapter: 5, Genari

Summary Thus Far in Book: Genari has just turned seventeen and she starts to learn they have this ceremony that isn't actually a celebration but a messed up ritual. At this point, not only does she want to leave this place, she wants someone to help her so she can flee, hopefully along with her mother in the end.

In this chapter, she's going to see someone who can help because this ritual has her feeling all sorts of things. Lets call it 'the next step' in her grand scheme.

Author's Note: Thanks everyone for checking out this story. Thanks for Dawn and the team for keeping NBR going. Honestly, this place is like no other on Wattpad. I particularly chose this chapter because I wanted to know what you would think about the relationship between Genari and Siwell and how it'd be influential in a future event. So here are my questions.

1. What do you think about the relationship between Genari and Siwell. How useful can their relationship be in a later event?

2. The second part has a different scene. How does Genari's gesture make you feel about her? Is there something I can improve about that?

Thanks! 

In-line Comment Preference:  Yes!

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG

▼Winners▼

➤ Winning Comment: Congratulations on your spotlight! Before I start, I'd just like to say that I normally do not read sci-fi books. (Actually, the only time I've ever read them is for NBR spotlighted chapters. Haha!) I do, however, always enjoy dabbling in a new, unique book, so I'm very excited to read this. Because I don't have much experience in this genre, I'm just going to try my best to tell you the idea I've gotten based on this one chapter you've written, and I apologize in advance if I'm way off or didn't understand a certain concept, haha! :) Also, I haven't read any of the other comments left by NBR members, so I'm sorry if some of these things have already been pointed out.

I'm actually going to integrate the comment topic within my answers of your questions, so I hope that's okay! Also, I like to keep all of the comments within one thread, so I most likely won't be posting any in-line comments unless I see something that stands out to me immediately that I feel the need to address :)

1. Relationship between Genari and Siwell? Useful in later event?

-After reading only about a fourth of your chapter, I'm only getting feelings of animosity and disgust from Genari to Siwell. She seems quite fed up with him and his "silly games", while he seems more playful (based on the fact that he called her "babe", even though it seems as though they are no longer dating). And the fact that Genari never went to Siwell for anything after their break up tells me that she either doesn't want to bother him, or doesn't think he's worth her time. Haha! But then again, she asks him for a favor pretty suddenly after all this time, so I don't know if she's using him or genuinely wants help from him, haha!

-Upon reading further into the chapter, I'm getting the feeling that both of the characters are using the other. Genari is using Siwell to get a place at the school, and Siwell is only willing to do it if he gets something in return. It seems as though they both don't really want anything to do with each other unless either of them benefit from it in some way. Is this what you were aiming for? If so, then great!

2. How does Genari's gesture make you feel about her? Improvements?

-Going back to my answer for #1, I'm picturing Genari as a girl who only does things if she benefits from it in the end. This also goes for the gesture with the old woman – she wasn't even considering donating the coin to her until the woman stopped her and warned Genari about her future. Only then did Genari donate to her! The donation was a good touch – I'm glad she ended up doing it, even if she was only doing it because she received a warning in return. BUT, if this wasn't how you originally intended to portray Genari, I suggest adding in more descriptions prior to the exchange with the old woman.

You write that Genari says, "I have none," blatantly, and then proceed to talk about how she needed it to have lunch and was unwilling to give it away. I think you could switch this up and have her act more apologetic and sympathetic?
Possible revision for that paragraph:

"I have none," Genari stated, feeling bad for lying. The woman's pleas tugged at her heartstrings, but there was nothing she could do. She needed it to buy lunch, and it was rare that she even had a coin in her pocket today. She tried to block out the woman's requests and willed her eyes to focus on the path in front of her, but the old woman addressed her again.

In this way, we see Genari as being a more kind and sympathetic character than originally displayed! :)

Other comments:

-I absolutely love the cover of your story. It's very simple, yet still interesting and intriguing. I would say that it fits more alongside the covers of a romance or teen fiction story, though... so I was surprised to find out that its genre was sci-fi. It's different from the usual sci-fi covers I've seen on here, so it's definitely unique in that way!

-I went ahead and read your blurb, and I have to say, I was a little bit confused by it. I read it to get a better understanding of the plot, but it definitely ended up raising more questions. Haha! The questions that were raised were good – it definitely intrigues readers to actually delve into the story and to find out all of the answers alongside Genari. However, I think the problem was the second part of your blurb, after you introduced "Elandra". After reading it the first time, I thought Elandra was a place. Then I went back and reread it, and noticed the "its own problems" phrase, which led me to believe it was a place. Then, after re-rereading it, I was confused again, because you went from talking about how "Elandra" has "its" problems, to how "she'd need to find a way through the treacherous waters". Do you see what I'm getting at? (I tend to be wordy in my explanations and sometimes don't even get the point across, haha! So if at any point I'm starting to go off on tangents and you're not understanding what I'm saying, please feel free to say, "...What?" LOL.)
I think it would help to clarify your blurb if you maybe switched the order of your sentences within it. You go on to talk about Genari and the secrets of her world... then the questions about her home... then a precarious school... then Elandra... then back to "she". I'm not sure if Elandra is her home, or the precarious school that you introduced...or a completely new place. And I wasn't sure if the "she" referred to Elandra (which I am doubtful of), or back to Genari... Or a completely new character?

Maybe it's just me – I don't know! But if other readers are having a problem with understanding your blurb as well, then I would definitely revisit it and take another look to see how you could clarify it. :)
But overall, other than the second part of the blurb, I liked the style of it. You raised enough questions without revealing any answers, which encourages the readers to go ahead and take a look at the story for themselves... And its overall mysterious factor and unique plot definitely draws the readers in! Blurbs are an essential part to the story – it's what makes or breaks it. If you do it right, you attract readers right away and they're automatically hooked! If it could still use a little improvement, that's fine too – it's interesting enough to attract readers who might want to give the story a chance, but might turn away readers who don't really have the patience to try to understand. Haha! Like I said, I think it's a great blurb. If you just revisited the second part of it, I think you could make it even more awesome! :)
[Okay, I do apologize for this tangent. I know one of your questions didn't even pertain to the blurb, but I just wanted to let you know what I thought about it anyways. Hopefully this helped a little, haha! If not... then completely disregard it. LOL]

-Side note: Anytime I mention a "possible revision", it is just a personal preference based on my own style of writing and experience. However, feel free to disagree or disregard any or all comments I make! As writers, we all have different styles of writing... that's what makes us all unique :) So if you like the way you worded something better, then by all means, stick with yours :) Write in a way that makes YOU happy, because ultimately, that's the only thing that matters!

-Okay, let's get started on the actual chapter's contents now!
Possible revision for the first paragraph:
Siwell's shack was far from Genari's home. [But despite that,] she knew her way through the alleyways[,] so it only took her [a few] minutes to get there.
He lived deep in the fish market, away from the better-developed parts of the city, down a remote location no well-off resident [would dare to go]. Traders and buyers claimed this part of the city[;] they roamed the narrow passages, standing by their fish stands and exchanging kelnic.
> Your first and second sentences seemed a little off to me... You start off by saying it's far from Genari's home, but then you mention how it only took a short amount of time. There was no connection there, so I changed it to help the sentences flow together. By adding in "but despite that", you're acknowledging the first point you just made about his house being far, and then introducing the idea that Genari knew the fastest route to get there, despite the distance. I also changed "several" to "a few", as I thought it helped emphasize how fast Genari was able to go. I started a new paragraph with the "He lived deep..." sentence, as I thought it would fit best there, rather than keeping it connected to the previous sentences. You start to talk about new things, such as the location of his house (which is a different topic from the distance and time it took Genari to get there), so I thought this was more fitting!
Also, what does "kelnic" mean? I tried to Google it but couldn't find anything, haha!

-Moving onto a possible revision of the second paragraph:
The strong, foul smell was enough to choke Genari, but people [didn't seem] to care [-] it was business as usual. For a second, she wondered if she was the only one [to notice the stench, but] she brushed it off[.]
[Soon, she arrived] at a green door [that sported the words KEEP OUT in bright red.] She banged on it, and then paused for an answer.

> I replaced "seemed not to care" with "didn't seem to care", as I thought the former was a more awkward phrase. I also combined all three of your sentences into one because I thought it looked and sounded better that way. I started a new paragraph again because I didn't think the ideas within this one paragraph related – you talked about the smell, then the door. To help with the flow of the story, I think each paragraph should emphasize its own topic! Usually, when the sentences move on from one thing to the other, the best thing to do is put the new topic in a separate paragraph, just like I did in the possible revision. I also removed "an old woman sitting by her trading stall", as I didn't think it was necessary. I didn't think it added to the story in any way (other than maybe picturing the scene?) and you didn't mention that woman in your next paragraphs, so I thought it'd be okay to omit it completely. Lastly, I just condensed your description of the door into one sentence :)

-Possible revision for the third paragraph:
[Almost immediately], the [slit of the door was pushed aside] and a pair [of] red shades peered through[. The owner of the sunglasses] waited a good moment[, and then asked in] a semi-robotic voice[,] "Who is it?"
> I was confused on where the "slit" suddenly came from, as it wasn't introduced in the earlier paragraph when you were describing the door. It would be good to clarify that it was the slit on the door. Also, you suddenly introduce a pronoun ("he") without telling us who it belonged to... I assumed the person wearing the red shades was a man, and that this is him? It would be good to clarify that as well :)

-Possible revision for the sentence: "You do realize I am in a good position to leave you standing there all day?"
I would change this to something along the lines of, "You do realize I'm capable of doing just that, right?"

> You repeat the phrase, "stand here all day" twice, and it looks awkward when it's so close together. Think of it like this:
If someone asked, "Do you like this chocolate cake with pink and purple frosting?"
You wouldn't answer, "Yes, I like this chocolate cake with pink and purple frosting."
Right? Haha, that would be funny to eavesdrop on that conversation! It would be more natural for the person to respond with, "Yes, I like it." Or "Sure, it's good!" They don't repeat EXACTLY what the person is saying, but it's still along the same lines. :)

-I do think you could include more details on this conversation. You mentioned that the man spoke in a "semi-robotic voice". That was good! But you don't mention anything about how Genari talks or communicates, other than the fact that she sighs. Is she biting her lip in hesitation? Is she frowning and tiptoeing while trying to get a peek at the man? I would like to see more of that – show us and walk us through how this conversation happened! With that being said, I would like to offer a possible revision for the last line of their dialogue.
You wrote: She sighed. "... Gray Falcon."
I suggest: She rolled her eyes and took a deep breath, releasing it slowly through slightly parted lips. She paused for a few seconds, and then offered, "Gray Falcon."
> By adding these little details, we get more purposeful character development on Genari, as well as more descriptions and instructions on how we, as readers, should picture the scene as. :) This pertains to all dialogue/scenes throughout the chapter! Adding more descriptions would definitely keep readers engaged, as it's easier for us to envision everything the way you originally had it planned :)

-Possible revision for the paragraph starting with: The slit closed shut and in a couple seconds...
The slut [slammed] shut. [Within] a couple seconds, the locks [ripped from their initial positions] and the door jeered open.

[The man behind the shades stared at Genari, giving her a once-over as she passed by.] Genari [glared at him] as she walked through. He looked unkempt, [and] his frizzled hair [reminded] her of how [it used to look after she would] run her hands through it. It disgusted her now[, and she pushed away the thoughts.]
She walked in, minding the high slab on the threshold. The door closed [behind her] with a loud clank.
> I upped the atmosphere by switching some of your diction and making it more powerful (i.e., "slammed", "ripped", "glared", etc.). In this way, it builds more tension, which I think is fitting due to Genari and this man's past relationship. I love the way you subtly added that in, by the way! It was so smooth, I barely noticed it. HAHA. Great job! I added some more character development to give us more insight on Genari's character as well.

-By the way, is Siwell the same person who answered the door when Genari knocked? When reading the chapter the first time, I actually thought Siwell was a different character from the man with the red shades... Haha! The way I saw it, the man with the red shades was standing at the door, and Genari walked past him to enter into the house... and then she came across Siwell, who was sitting by the table. After rereading this scene, I caught onto the detail "went back to his tinkering", which I assume he would've left in order to answer the door. I would clarify this, though! If Siwell is indeed the guy who answered the door, then you could say something like:
After closing the door, Siwell brushed past her and made his way back to the table, tinkering with his electronics once again.
> With the addition of this sentence, we can see that Siwell and the man in the red shades are the same person, rather than two different people like I had originally thought!

-Another possible revision for the sentence: "Can we at least talk about the girl who was murdered in the face of thousands of people?"
"Can we at least talk about the girl who was murdered [in front of] thousands of people?"
> I originally thought you said, "murdered in the face", as in maybe shot in the face/attacked somewhere on the face. I was a bit confused! After reading it again, I think "in front of" is the phrase you originally wanted to use, haha!

-Possible revision for the paragraph: Siwell gave a slight nod. His gaze had turned to the gadget on the table.
Siwell gave a slight nod[, turning his gaze] to the gadget on the table [before saying,] "At this rate, we won't [have] any children from South Yac enrolling at that evil school. I was hoping we would have [at least] one valiant soul to turn against those years[, but] I'm not sure about that anymore. Maybe [a rebellion is all that's left.]" (?)
> The reason why I put the question mark is because I wasn't sure what you were trying to say with that last sentence!

-I like the subtle inclusion of the time zone here. By saying some of the gadgets were old "relics" from 2050 tells me we are way, way, WAY further into the future than I thought. Haha!

-During the scenes when Siwell and Genari are interacting and exchanging dialogue is where I think the pace slowed down for me a lot. There was no action going on... And what I mean by this is that you didn't tell us or explain the mannerisms, attitudes, or details on how they were communicating. I didn't feel connected to them at all during this time, and it was hard for me to picture these scenes. Without your input of details, I literally just imagined them staring at each other and talking robotically, haha! I think you could improve this chapter by tenfold if you just added in more details. It would keep readers engaged, and it would definitely help us to imagine the scenes better!
For example, you say, "Her face reassured it."

You could expand on this a lot. How did her face reassure it? Did she nod in agreement without realizing it? Did she bite her lip in frustration? Did she run her fingers through her hair and nervously pull at the strands? You could apply this to all of the scenes throughout the chapter. The more detail, the better! You do a lot of telling rather than showing, and I think you could expand on it and improve the story a lot by just adding in those little details like that :)

-I really, really, really, REALLY liked the paragraph starting with: Morning broke the next day as orange light kissed...
> YES. YES. YES. You absolutely slayed me with this description! It shows that you are MORE than capable of writing beautiful descriptions and creating breathtaking imagery such as this... If you take this and scatter it throughout the chapters and stay consistent, your chapter would improve tremendously! :)

OVERALL, I think this was a very interesting read! You are a wonderful writer, and your creativity definitely shines in this chapter. The plot is unique and unlike anything else I've heard before, so that's a plus!
As I've stated throughout my comments, I do think you might lose a few of the readers' interests in the parts where you don't explain or describe exactly what's going on (i.e., when the characters are interacting). By adding in more details and contributing to the purposeful character development of Genari and Siwell, similar to the way you described the "orange light-kissed" morning, I think this would definitely help to get rid of the "telling" rather than "showing" problem. You definitely have skills of being able to clearly describe things and painting clear, vivid images in the readers' minds, so I know you're more than capable of doing so in more scenes throughout the chapter. I'm excited to see how you improve this story in the edits!

I do also appreciate your ability to subtly include and introduce details into the story (i.e., Siwell and Genari's previous relationship and the current time period). It was mentioned so casually that I didn't even notice it until I read it a second time! :)
As always, thank you to NBR for introducing me to another great chapter and an even more amazing writer :)

➤ Network with this winner: CatharticNonsense

➤ 1st runner up: PassengersofWind

➤ 2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

➤ Final Author's Note: Here's the thing. I loved yall faces to be featured as a winning comment because this has been my best experience ever in the spotlight. There are rules for these things, however, and the mods really want to keep this place orderly so we can have a fair chance at winning and spotlighting. So I chose three people, despite having some helpful comments from BillRuesch LLMontez confabler ericdabbs SherlockHolmeless and others whom I could not choose because they submitted after the deadline. I chose the winning comment because it stood out for me, catharticnonsense really knocked it out of the park! It was a close win, though, because PassengersofWind also had a really good review. 

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