Announcements: Five Days Left!! To vote on your favorite chapter for the first round of Battle of the Chapters! Voting closes March 30 so please cast your vote and support your fellow members. Check out the 'voting details' section for tips on how to vote. 

Commenting time frame (CST): March 24 to April 2

Comment Tip: Give praise where praise is due. Knowing what worked well is just as important as finding out what didn't. By providing your reasons for why you liked something, you are helping the writer better understand what to keep or change.

Comment Topic: As writers, our word selection and sentence structures can be as enticing as the plot and characters themselves. Comment on the author's ability to present their story through diction and sentence structure.

Moderator: mokbook  <-Don't poke me I bite ;-)

Press those pretty stars :-)

Author #1: Sceritz

Book Title: Deus Ex Anima

Specified Chapter: Prologue

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Wazzup! I'm honored to be a spotlight book for this week and I hope you enjoy the opening chapter of my book. I've spent way too much time in this thing (on and off over the years) and I'm really pushing myself to finish editing.

Q1) I know it's only the intro so you don't have a lot of information on her, but how do you feel about Kyomi's character?

Q2) So, what do you think about the action in this chapter?

Q3) The Prologue's gotta have a hook. Do you feel it's hooking or nah?

Thanks so much for all of your feedback in advance, I'm truly happy for people to be checking my work out. I hope it's fun for you as well!

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Fantasy 

Rating: PG-13 (Some Violence)

➤ Winning Comment: CT: I found your choice of language and wording to be both effective and cumbersome.

Okay, that was a pretty bad contradiction, right? Lemme explain: You've got some awesome, almost poetic sentences, mixed up with long, almost wooden sentences, which at times confused the action. You must consider your pacing, which is ESSENTIAL in writing an action-packed fight scene. Mix it up--short & concise, long & wordy--metaphor & hard fact, detail & movement, action & scenery. Make it flow fast and loose and really let the emotion take over. Since a scene like this is largely sensory, include more smell/touch to the mix. I felt very removed for Kyomi most of the time, and thus was unable to really empathise with her. Word choice and sentence structure can achieve all of this and more, but you mustn't be afraid to trim, trim, trim. I want the action to come at me like bullets, like laser-beams, like karate-chops! No passive verbs, no needless 'was/as/the'--I want to feel the rush of cold wind through Kyomi's hair as she leaps into the sky, the sticky ooze of blood from her wound, the deafening crash as she hits the tank...

Q1): Kyomi, as I said, felt distant. We have little to go on in terms of her predicament, and her emotions are almost bland, even when she's angry and fighting for her life. I also can't help but feel her actions don't follow a logical pattern, particularly in returning to her home instead of making an escape. Perhaps bring the narrative closer to her, tell us how she feels: visceral fight-or-flight? Is she trained for this sort of thing? Is she afraid, invigorated, full of blood-lust? Does she feel remorse for those she kills and wounds, or not? Make her more human, or explain a little of her inhumanity--either way, I think she needs more fleshing out. Still, love her badassery and composure!

Q2): I'll skip this 'cause I think I basically answered it with the CT^^

Q3): Yep,you've got it--lots of mystery, lots of action, and an intense cliffhanger ending! Hook, line & sinker ;)

➤ Network with this winner: FayLane

➤ 1st runner up: kemorgan65

➤ 2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

➤ Final Author's Note: I got so much great advice from so many people, I'm and deeply, deeply grateful for the close analysis and honest feedback. Faylane, something about your words resonated with me the most, and I think it will help me to polish this chapter with the perfect edits, not only that, I think going forward, I'll know some of the more important problem areas to look for in my writing. Thank you so much!

Author #2:  BillRuesch (nom de plume William Crawford, actual name Bill Ruesch.)

Book Title:  Whistlin' Salamander

Specified Chapter: Chapter Two: Salamander's Whistle

Summary Thus Far in Book: The narrator is a boy named Wishes. His best friend since infancy is Freck. In chapter one, they were chased and cornered by an unknown beast they could not see. Its heavy footfalls and rancid smell told them all they wanted to know. They were going to die. They clung for life to a cabbage palm that was shaking as badly as they were. Wishes wonders how two kids got into such a terrifying life threatening position. Chapter two begins his recollection of events leading up to this horror.

Author's Note: Wow, I am bowled over by being in the spotlight. Thanks. This couldn't have happened at a better time, I just began the process of preparing an inquiry package. I am working with a seasoned author, Dave Wolverton. He has taught writing classes, worked in the publishing industry, and published over 50 books himself. A couple of his students are Brian Muir (Fable Haven) and Stephanie Meyer (Twilight).

I look forward to receiving your honest critiques. It will help me with this next step.

Please pay particular attention to:

1. Does the dialog seem genuine? I've attempted to mirror the accent of a young boy in a rural Gulf Coast town circa 1960.

2. I wanted to paint a picture of who he is, and how innocent mischievousness runs through him.

3. Does the story drag?

In-line Comment Preference: Yes

Genre: Adventure

Rating: PG

➤ Winning Comment: Congrats on being spotlighted @BillRuesch. I was a very well written chapter. You've made it hard to do a critique since I couldn't find much to suggest.

CT – The sentence structure was good and varied. I would suggest dropping the ALL CAPS, Bolds, and underlined phrases. It is distracting and puts emphasis where if the writing is good then it is not required. Yours is, so have faith in your story-telling.

I do like the use of your sentence fragments, but others may not. If you like them, then I would ignore the naysayers.

For example, 'Crystal was breathing very fast. Too fast.' I like this and it adds the proper emphasis.

#1 The internal and external dialogue for Wishes is very realistic. I am sure it is very hard to write like that consistently and believably. When I first started reading the chapter, I thought it was too much. Too over the top. By the end, I kind of liked it. It is a good gimmick, but one that can't replace the other important parts of writing. I think I would have to read more to see if his vernacular got in the way of the story.

#2 Yes. Wishes comes off as innocent and mischievous. He tried to scare a girl with a simple trick and it back fired on him. In conjunction with my answer with your 3rd question, I think you explain why his Dad didn't find out about the spider trick. That is a mystery that can't be too important to the story. If you had Wishes come home and 'start' to admit to his father what he had done then that would endear him to the reader.

For example. Wishes said, 'Dad, I have something to tell you. There was this thing at school with Crystal and a spider ...'

Dad replied, "Yeah. I know. Your principal called going on about something right when I was in the middle of a rush job for the city. He kept going on and on. Something about a prank and how he paddled you. I'm glad he did because I'm too gosh darn tired tonight to discipline you. I hope you leanrt you lesson!"

Wishes fought to keep the smile off his face. 'Yes'm Dad.'

Or something like that. I want to know how he was lucky. The salamander is the mystery.

#3 It did drag a little bit for me in the spider part. The whistling salamander and how that made him lucky is the important part of the chapter. I feel like that part got rushed. I would find a way to trim the spider parts by 25% at least, and add to the mystery of the salamander. Would Wishes look for the salamander? From the tales what color is it? How big? Do a lot of people claim to hear it? Is there only one or several? Why does hearing it make him lucky?

Same with the back story on the teacher. It seemed a little like info-dumping. I realize it was a way to tell us a little bit about his family life, but I would cut back on that too. Tease us with his missing Mom. Make us wonder. It is only chapter 2, so suck us in with the action and mystery and reveal later.

I hope you get great reviews and suggestions from everyone. I feel like that you have a good and unique story to tell. And, anyone who is willing to talk about Bigfoot in his bio has me interested as a reader. Henry.

➤ Network with this winner: henry_scott

➤ 1st runner up: PassengersOfWind

➤ 2nd runner up: ZonderZorg

➤ Final Author's Note: I give my thanks to the NBR Board for allowing me to experience the spotlight. I was blown away. This combined intelligence of NBR members at work is an amazing thing to behold.

When I first became involved in NBR I read over some of the critiques. Many began with "Congratulations on being in the spotlight", or something close to that. I pretty much ignored the congratulations, because I thought they were just niceties. Now as a baptized by fire first time spot lighter, I understand the meaning of those congratulatory phrases. It is an honor; it is also a wild ride. It's a little like becoming a brand new father. People can tell you that a baby will change your life, but until you experience it yourself it's just blah, blah, blah.

I wholeheartedly want to thank everyone who gave me advice. Your comments have led me to taking a closer look and making changes that I'm certain will help me sell the book to a publisher. The only problem is that they will think me very smart. When they find out the truth, they're gonna be surprised.

I am happy I chose to have in-line comments. They were even more helpful than the more general comments, because they pointed to the exact problem or point the commenter wanted me to see. In that vein I would like to recommend to the NBR board that they acknowledge the best in-line commenters. If there was such an honor I would place andicook and EricaSumner13 at the top. Thank you for your diligent scrutiny.

Author #3: SapphireAlena [Wattpad Featured Author, Triple Crowner, Champion Reviewer & Board Member]

Book Title: Star Wars: The New Jedi Order   [Recently Won 3rd-Place for Best Fanfiction in both: Crystal Awards 2016 & Fiction Genre Awards 2017]

Specified Chapter: 2: The New Senate

Summary Thus Far in Book: This book begins with the Endor victory celebration (Star Wars VI: Return of the Jedi). Han and Leia married each other before leaving Endor. This chapter picks up two months later. [The novel spans 11 years.] 

Author's Note: Wow! A triple crown round! I didn't expect it so soon, and I greatly appreciate the board and all the members who have helped me become a better writer. The feedback I received on my other chapter resulted in a major revision of that sequence arc. I can't wait to see how this chapter will change after the NBR reviews.

Other than my climax chapter that we reviewed last time, this chapter has been my largest struggle. It sets up the new government after skipping two months while Han and Leia are on their honeymoon and Luke is searching the galaxy for Jedi lore.

I'm sure some of you aren't Star Wars fans. That's all right. You don't really need to be to follow this chapter. If you feel like you need a cram session, I do have a three-chapter appendix of the original trilogy films you can read at the back of the book, complete with image strips. (Ooh, pictures!)

Please, don't hold back on the critique, even if it pertains to something I haven't mentioned. Since I've read this chapter over 100 times, I don't think there are any grammar errors. However, if you see one, please let me know. Moreover, capitalization follows these conventions: "Chancellor" is always capitalized. "Senator" is only capitalized when used with a proper name or in direct address.

Fans may be wondering why I chose a certain direction for Han and Leia's relationship. One answer: research. I have performed detailed character studies based on the information available before April 2016 (before Bloodline and the Aftermath series). The decisions I made I based solely on this research.

NOTE: There are two versions of this book on my profile—the standard novel and the "multimedia experience" version. Please use the standard novel for the NBR assignment. Thank you.

Questions:

1. This chapter is a set-up chapter for the rest of the story. I have struggled with balancing description, action, and dialogue. As soon as I adjust one of those elements in response to feedback, someone else tells me the addition is too much. What should I add or cut?

2. Pacing this chapter has been a struggle. What do you think of it: too slow, too many details, too few details, too fast, just right?

3. I feel this chapter lacks a hook. Any suggestions on adding one?

In-line Comment Preference:  NO THANK YOU. 

Genre: Fanfiction

Rating:  G

➤ Winning Comment: #NBR hello beautiful lady!! so great to be reading another chapter of yours. Congrats on all the exciting things going on, the Triple Crown, the Feature, and the recognition from Mark H himself!! crazy good stuff. No one deserves it more.

ok, digging in to this. I'm going to give you my initial thoughts as I read it first and then go back to the questions. Also, I've only scanned one other comment because I don't want to be influenced by other reviews so forgive me if I repeat others. It's unintentional.

First paragraph: "As Han twisted two bare wires together and affixed a piece of binding tape to them, he thought about the last few months—just him and Leia on the Falcon, touring the galaxy. Well, more of an excuse just to be together with no one bothering us. Wish we were still in hyperspace instead of in the middle of this mess."

So you're doing fanfic for a film and I think you need to use the camera. One thing I've been learning is that anything not on camera (thoughts and flashbacks especially) needs to be dealt with a different way. I understand your intent. You need to transition from the wedding to normal life and show what normal life is like for this couple. In a huge way, this new family parallels the New Republic. They both have a new makeshift home. Everything is new, they're laying foundations using what they have. I think the metaphor is brilliant and really well done.

Why not begin with a scene from hyperspace, the two lovers sharing their dreams and goals and then contrasting the reality? That way you wouldn't have this too-brief flashback. It hints at scenes I'd love to see and is sort of frustrating out of the gate. I think that might accomplish the same goal but serve you better to transition. Then the rest of the chapter can build the metaphor.

Just a thought.

#NBR (2) If you do keep this beginning, then you can heighten urgency with Han telling Chewie what Leia will do to him if he doesn't save her. lol. That puts his electrical work in new perspective. I think you tried to do this with the comment about the ceremony being streamed to the galaxy, etc but I'd move that information closer to the beginning of the chapter so we know whats at stake. This is Inauguration Day for a scrappy new government and the universe is literally watching, the stakes are huge. Lead the scene with that.

ok...this paragraph:

"Oh, yeah, Flyboy." Leia pulled herself away. "But you'll just have to wait to find out what it does to me." She took a few steps away from him while he stared at her slinking away in the dim light. She stopped halfway to the double doors, turning with a come-hither look. "Catch you after work, Flyboy."

the double Flyboy was too much, once was cute. I'd also have her slap his butt. LOL. Their interaction has always struck me as playful and fun. They are newlyweds so I find the flirting appropriate. However I don't think you have to use the phrase "turning with a come-hither look" I think thats a little heavy. I'd try something like "turning with a look that made him catch his breath, even here."

They are after all, at work. lol. I work with my husband and we flirt a lot but in work mode, we are at work. She's a senator and this is a big day, so I'd just lighten that a little.

#NBR "...minutes later, Chancellor Mon Mothma, dressed in her white Chancellor's gown with gold braiding on her cuffs and collar, led the delegates into the temporary Senate Hall. As her golden chain of office swung lightly at her chest, the amaralite on the Republic Sceptre glinted in the dim light."

The description here is wonderful, I can see the Chancellor. I think it's important to highlight the formality of the occasion. However I'd tweak it to really emphasize that formality and its weight. I'd add words like "resplendent in her... " rather than "Dressed in her..." and "led the procession."

You have the luxury of thousands of worlds and systems and creatures to play with. Describe the freed peoples watching this historic occasion. Is there the equivalent of social media? Or some feedback? is there some way to relay the wonder? Yes you have things going wrong here but if you can show THAT then you have something really good. You can also show rather then tell us about the anxiety of the delegates. I'm just spitballing but I think it could be really cool.

I've have more thoughts in this vein but I'll cover them in my actual answers to the questions.

last thought.

"While Han enjoyed watching his wife in action at her finest, he bristled at the inactivity. Now that he and Chewie had solved the electrical emergency, he wanted to return to the housing construction project he was overseeing before the rains came later that night"

We don't know much about this project or why it is weighing on him. Give us some understanding. The role of a builder is quite the transformation from a smuggler and wanderer. Just that entire deb, that Han is putting down deep roots, struck me as a vast development in his character. I want to know more.

#NBR (4) Comment question: As writers, our word selection and sentence structures can be as enticing as the plot and characters themselves. Comment on the author's ability to present their story through diction and sentence structure.

You said you'd struggled with the balance of description, dialogue and action and I'm seeing that struggle. They feel very separate to me, and I like my action diction and dialogue blending a lot more. Again, I'd use the camera. In your head how does the scene look? what's going on, whats important and why? You're pretty heavy on the description of the Senate which you should be, but the focus for us as an audience is the contrast between the grandeur of the Empire and how ramshackle this seems in contrast. Then the result of that, in the confidence of the peoples and senators is important. You're describing in detail how the Chancellor looks but you're doing it because the event is such a huge moment and she's the symbol of all the hope they have. I think looking at those whys, those reasons for your descriptions can really hone the effect they have. I also think that will help you weave it into the action more easily. I hope that helps. You're about 85% there, you just need to blend it more.

#NBR (5) Q1. This chapter is a set-up chapter for the rest of the story. I have struggled with balancing description, action, and dialogue. As soon as I adjust one of those elements in response to feedback, someone else tells me the addition is too much. What should I add or cut?

I think you should use a device of the reaction of the audience for the event, their reactions... then cut back to Han sweating through the stress of the problems and saving the day. If you wanted maybe you could make one senator or one character watching as the foil and use them to show the pomp etc. Or maybe Luke? That would work too, he was watching. Then for example with your description of Admiral Akbar, someone can describe what they see or talk about him. That works so much better than merely telling. See what I mean? We need the information about him. Its just so much more digestible that way. The telling is well-written but it's still telling and I know you can kick that up a notch.

"Han held his breath as each senator tested his notification switch when Mon called each name. As long as those senators activate only one at time, the system should hold out."

There's an echo here of "each"

"While Han enjoyed watching his wife in action at her finest, he bristled at the inactivity. "

This sentence feels clunky. I'd lose one of the modifying phrases. "..enjoyed watching his wife in action...." or "...enjoyed watching his wife at her finest..." I like the first better. I'd like you to be more specific. "...enjoyed watching Leia ..." Also again, I think the weight of this occasion needs to be emphasized and I want to know what Han is so antsy over that it outweighs this. Or does he have ADD?

#NBR (6) Q2. Pacing this chapter has been a struggle. What do you think of it: too slow, too many details, too few details, too fast, just right?

This would be the equivalent of the Olympics opening ceremony and the tearing down of the Berlin Wall, so I think when you get across *that tension* the pacing issues will fix themselves.

I think that exploring the metaphor with the New Republic and the new family is really apt and beautiful. I want to give you an example of how you can use that to build pacing here.

"Meanwhile, once Leia had concluded her duties for the Opening Ceremony, she searched for Han."

ok, she's looking for him and obviously expects him to be there waiting for her. He's dropped the ball for her emotionally. It's a bit like the electricity failing. It drains her and causes anxiety. There are some wrinkles that need ironing. I can see this from what you have here but I think it needs more spelling out. It is a good foreshadowing but can be strengthened.

Can you draw these parallels?

All right, congrats again on your recent wins, well-deserved. I hope this has ben helpful

➤ Network with this winner: redtoadmedia

➤ 1st runner up: TimothyMarsh

➤ 2nd runner up: Riprish and AhsokaJackson

➤ Final Author's Note: Honorable mentions: CatharticNonsense, Zonderzorg, MelissaBanczak,  AmericanBruja, Echo4Echo

Thank you, NBR Members, for an incredible triple-crown round. Evaluating all your suggestions was like submitting my manuscript to over 50 editors! Every comment made me analyze my plot structure and description. Because of the high quality of comments this round, I had a very difficult time deciding on a winner without coming up with a rubric. I wanted to be as fair as possible.

Since the contest is based on whoever was the most helpful, I needed to find a way to determine just that without any bias coming into play. About halfway through the week, I started copying each idea that I was going to use into a spreadsheet. Whoever had the most suggestions I planned on implementing would win. The numbers in brackets next to the winners' names indicate the number of suggestions I plan to use during revision.

Thank you so much for spending your time and efforts on the chapter. I appreciate the support of the entire NBR family. See you all again in a few weeks! May the Force be with you!

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