A shooting Star? Quick! Make a wish by PRESSING it!

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST):  3/10 - 3/19

✔︎ Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Announcement: See that Youtube video above? Play it, then I will tell you the most spectacular thing ever.

Did you watch it yet? Yay!

Now here's the spectacular thing:

"Being on the Wattpad Ambassador team has been a blast! This past November, I storyboarded an idea for a video surprise for Wattpad's 10th-anniversary party. After receiving submissions from ambassadors all over the world, I set to work. With the video done, I was off to Toronto to crash the party. When I got there, I was given a chance to say a few words about the video to the entire Wattpad office behalf of the ambassador team. Anyway, while I was there, I took some pictures and videos of the office and thought I'd share them with the NBR membership. So here's a tiny peek inside the world of Wattpad. Enjoy! " - Amber The3dreamers (Wattpad Ambassador, NBR Board Member, WP featured Author)

Our very own NBR board member The3dreamers was lucky enough to attend WP's 10th anniversary. She even got a chance to meet the founders of WP! ha! Feel free to ask her more questions, subscribe to her Youtube channel, and Follow her on WP because this smart cookie is going places :) 

Want to see the video that was played at the anniversary party? Careful, it's a tear-jerker:

https://youtu.be/JaaKIlIxqLw

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Comment Topic: Character investment. Can it really be achieved in one chapter? Comment on how well the author has developed a personable character; a character in which you can bond and relate to. If so, how is he/she able to do it? If not, how can she/he improve?

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Author #1: VeilofPetals

Book Title: Dreamcatcher

Spotlight Chapter: Drowning

Summary: Isi has a dangerous gift. Through her dreams, she can glimpse the future and the secret lives of strangers.

She has hidden her power away ever since the death of her grandmother, whose passing she foresaw and could have prevented. Wracked with guilt, she buries her secret until she starts to encounter the same man in her dreams every night: Sawyer Winters. A rising rockstar, he's young, reckless, arrogant, rich, beautiful, and famous, with secrets he can't keep much longer. When Isi foresees his death, she's determined not to repeat her past mistakes and sets out to warn him, if he'll listen. Isi's journey takes her from Choctaw country in Oklahoma all the way across the United States in search of Sawyer and redemption for herself. In this chapter, Isi and her nephew, Ben, have been forced to move in with her sister, Leila, and Leila's awful boyfriend, Dirk, after the fire that killed their grandmother. In this chapter we see her first vision of Sawyer's death.

Author's Note: I'm thrilled to be back in the spotlight! I'm so excited to share my new story, which is the first book in a series I'll be writing about dreams.

1. I'm Native American, and this is the first story in which I've included some of my culture. The main character, Isi, is a Choctaw. I'm a Chickasaw myself, but our two tribes began as one, according to legend, so I know quite a bit about her tribe. Dreams are one of my areas of interest, and I believe they are portals to the spirit realm. I want to be culturally sensitive and avoid the "mystical Indian" stereotype, while also weaving Native beliefs about dreams into the story. Do you think I've accomplished this respectfully without making Isi a cliche?

2. It's early in the story. Have I accomplished setting up the characters and situation in a way that makes sense and is interesting enough to make you want to continue?

In-line comment preference: no preference

Genre: Romance

Rating: PG-13 for some language

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➤ Winning Comment: #NBR Hello @VeilOfPetals! We are so excited to review your story this week! First off, we'd just like to say that we hope you have a lovely, wonderful spotlight week. Your story description reminds us of 'The Raven Cycle' books by Maggie Stiefvater, which are great books, by the way:).

So your first question asks about whether or not you've successfully accomplished giving off some of Isi's cultured without her being a cliche Native American, and we think you did a good job of this, but we saw more of the Native American of Isi than her specific tribe. Did you want this to happen? We suggest that if you want to really give a feel of the specifics of the Choctaw tribe, then you could go into depth about what Isi's grandmother did. Have the Choctaw tribe shape Isi's culture. But we did see the Native American there, and if you were going for the overall culture of Native Americans, we most definitely saw it there. Have you ever read the book "The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian" by Sherman Alexei? It was about the realness of what it was like to be a Native American in the modern world, and the main character definitely got picked on a lot, just like you said Isi did. And Isi got picked on for having strange dreams as well--we felt sympathetic towards her! But you did not make it cliche, and we think it's absolutely, most-definitely, wonderfully AWESOME that you're incorporating your own culture into your story.

Going off of that, we don't think it ever said in the chapter her belief about dreams being a portal to the spirit realm. Maybe it did and we missed it? But if not, that would probably be something very important to add into the chapter somehow.

You're right, it is early in the story, and the bulk of our review will be based off of this question as we branch off and talk about other things (or write about other things, rather:))! For the most part, the fact that you even explored dreams and how she embodies another person, adding that bit of magic in there, is enough to capture our interest, and we were enthralled all the way through the story, especially with Ben's and Isi's relationship. How much Isi cares for Ben is very apparent, but we think you can strengthen the main points in the chapter and really make them powerful.

Well, to strengthen them, you've got to know the main points in the chapter. We found them to be:

.The house scene with Dirk, Ben, and Isi

.When Isi goes to take a break at work

.When Isi has her terrifying dream about Sawyer

We're going to talk about how you can strengthen each of these scenes in order to really pull the readers in, starting with THE SCENE WITH DIRK:

There are a few things here that can be stronger: Dialogue, Sensory Details, and Feelings.

.So for the DIALOGUE between Isi and Dirk in this beginning scene, it felt as though they'd just met each other for the first time, and a bit unnatural. (But this is okay, because when people talk to people they're not comfortable it's not natural anyways, but rather strained). Let's take a look at some of the dialogue in this scene.

→ "There are a few problems with that, Dirk. One, I'm only eighteen. Two, even *if* I could buy you beer, why the h would I spend my own hard-earned money on it? Get a job." Consider cutting out the "There are a few problems with that, Dirk." This introductory sentence to the paragraph isn't needed and lessens to irritation rather than if you would just say, "First of all, I'm only eighteen. And second, even *if* I could buy you beer, why the h would I spend(...)" But we love the use of "Get a job." here!

→ "You're a feisty one(,) huh? You seem all timid and shy, but underneath that, you're a wolf. Is that your spirit animal?" he asked, waving his hands like a corny magician. "Or whatever the h you guys believe? In any case, it's kinda hot." The phrase of, "You're a feisty one, huh?" makes it feel as though Dirk was just meeting Isi for the first time, like he was giving her a label. It seems unnatural that he'd just give her the label of 'feisty' out of the blue because they've been living with each other for nine months. Instead of it being a question, have it be a statement: "Someone's feisty today. I know you can seem all timid and shy, but you know that underneath you're really a wolf, Isi."

→ "Don't know why you bother talking to that kid. He's some kinda retarded." Here's another label he gives, even since he's known Ben for five or six months. Isi would know what Dirk thought of Ben long before then, and so this seems unnatural. So again, rather than giving Ben a type of label as if they'd just first met, scrap the "Don't know why you bother talking to that kid," and try something along the lines of "That kid is such a retard," as if he were casually saying it. Then you could have Isi be angry because he says this all the time, and it's annoying or something. (Remember these are totally all just suggestions and you can take or leave them as you see fit!:))

Then there were the sensory details. Here, we wanted to see more of the smells in this part... was there the bitter twang of beer in the air? How exactly was it cramped...with clothes, shoes scattered against the floor, glass bottles or dirty crusted dishes filling up the sink? Or were there surroundings clean--shining sink because Isi had just done the dishes, the smell of fresh flowers because there was a vase of daisies on the table? Were the walls colorful with paintings? Dark and bare? Sensory details go a long way with strengthening these types of parts because they bring out the setting, and settings make scenes more memorable. We wanted to see more of the setting and the placement of the house in this scene especially because it's early on in the book!

The next thing we wanted to touch on was feeling. What sorts of things is Isi feeling when Dirk is calling her brother a "retard?" Surely they're feelings the reader would feel towards Dirk as well. Bring those feelings out through the main character, let her act upon them. Because Dirk is annoying her, let her words be venomous towards Dirk, let her movements be jerky as she gets ready to leave for work. Show this! The motivation for her to be this angry is certainly vivid.

THE WORK SCENE, WHEN SHE TAKES A BREAK: Here, we'd like to cover just the tiredness she was feeling right before she fell asleep, more sensory details, and transitioning into the dream.

Sensory details again. They're important, and they're vivid, and they're most definitely going to set apart your story from other stories. The buzzing lights, as one of your sentences put it, was a great descriptor. Was the shop dingy, or a tiny, clean little place? What did it smell like? You say she saw the same people everyday...describe one of these people hanging around the shelves, and this'll show what kind of these 'same' people that showed every day. Men in motorcycle jackets? Women going on long trips and looking for a quick road-trip snap? Teens that liked to loiter around? Adding more story here (but without overdoing it), will entice the readers into Isi's workplace. The four of us find that we oft like reading about tiny grocery stores or gas stations. They're all very different.

It seems that, during this scene, Isi just fell asleep whilst she was eating her snack...just to have the vision. In other words, we found it to be a little forced, and we feel that you could make that part flow a little bit better. You could say that she was struggling to keep her eyes open as she waited for her bread with honey on it to heat up rather than just saying she was tired. Describe her have nodding off to sleep while at the cash register. This will have fleshed out the idea that she was sleepy in the first place.

When she actually transitions into the dream again, you write: "This happened sometimes; sleep would overpower her and take her in the middle of the day. It usually meant a vision." This is a little fast. Maybe you could have Isi lean back against the chair, exhale a very deep exhale, and sleep would overtake her, then you could go into the explanation of "This happened sometimes; sleep would overpower her and take her in the middle of the day(...) Those actions slow down the transition and give the reader time to take a breath before leaping into the dream.

THE DREAM: and finally, we're at the dream, where the only thing we're going to talk about is VIVIDNESS.

Don't you just love words? They twist and turn, writhe like river rapids. They can crash against one another or flow like a rippling meadow; they're different, they're a whole other world, and they're strong.

They are VIVID.

Like the dream Isi is having. Its vivid.

This dream, much similar to words, is twisting, turning, lighting up here and darkening there. Make the dream strong, stronger, as strong as possible, because it looks like it's going to be referenced to a lot as the story continues.

Use phrases that crash, that are violent, to describe the car crash. Allow Isi to feel the rush of alcohol pounding through her veins and through her head. The speed of the car is climbing. Tell about the groan of the engine, the vibration she feels beneath her feet as the motor roars, roars, roars, and the speed climbs, and the pocked wheel beneath her hands (which are not her own hands but Sawyer Winters') is wet with sweat--

Then the car crashes.

You describe black water, lots of it. Blackness. Darkness. All of these things are happening to the character, and after the car crashes, we could most certainly feel what it felt like to be Isi, and Sawyer Winters. Mostly, you could describe the powerlessness she feels when the car spins out of control and crashes into the water, and the reader will also feel that powerlessness as well.

One of us, Rachel, can remember this one time she was at a creek up in the mountains on a family trip. She was stepping between two major rocks to get to the other side, and rocks jutted from either side of the creek (the big, slick rocks). As she stepped to the other side, she slid in the water and fell. She was carried down a sixty foot river rapid, hurtling, slamming, her back and head slamming into rocks. This was years ago, but she remembers the exact out-of-control ness of it, tbe feeling of trying to stop but not being able to. There was a momentum in her that wouldn't stop until the bottom of the rapid spat her out again.

That same momentum, we'd expect, would be in Sawers' body. Hurtling downwards at an all-time pace of a star and into water, where blackness completely takes over Isi's whole vision. That's vivid. You've accomplished this, sure, but we wanted this part to go ever-deeper and even wilder than a crashing scene would go. That same feeling as if time has stopped...just flashes of color here and there...would Isi feel that?

This week's comment topic deals with character investment. This backstory you have in the beginning of the chapter was pure genius--it really allowed us to get to know Isi (that and the fact that we've been working with your story for three hours now :)), but the

investment of the characters in the chapter was there for us, we felt it, and yes, we're sure it can be created within one chapter. The only thing we'd have to say about the elements of investment on your character (actually, all of them), is that we never saw what they looked like! You never once described to the readers what you saw through them, and maybe you didn't want to do that here or maybe you simply wanted to wait until after she had the dream, but now would be a good time since it IS early on in the story. Dirk just sounds very ~dirty~ in literal terms. To us, he looks as if he hasn't taken a bath in days, a greasy-haired, oily type of guy. But is he? Maybe he has an obsession with baths and likes to stay super-squeaky clean, but we wouldn't know this because we didn't get to see what he looked like. Describe him!

And Ben--if he's little, what little-kid traits does he have? Big, rounded eyes alight with excitement? Curved, rosy lips? What about Isi? Long or short hair? Geo?

We did feel invested in the characters, but we wanted more of what they looked like.

Things we loved throughout this chapter:

→ The backstory

→ Ben

→ The way you made us, the readers, feel the way Isi feels about Dirk (he's so annoying how does Isi DEAL with him?!)

→ The relationships in this chapter

→ Your characterization techniques

Overall things you should look at whilst revising:

→ Description

→ Pacing (make the scenes slower by adding in those sensory details and transitions)

→ Isi's feelings (we suggest fleshing them out more)

→ Dialogue tags (be careful of these, we didn't talk about them as much, but rather than a "she said" or "Isi snapped" you could always just end it without a tag.)

You did a wonderful job on this chapter. Great job with the grammar, we didn't seem to catch any errors grammar-wise, and that's pretty awesome! Also, your writing style is GREAT. You're going to go places with this story, but now we just want to leave with a word of encouragement by answering that last question in question number 2--we are interested in the story, and we would continue reading to find out what happens to Sawyer. Keep up the amazing work, and know that you CAN conquer this writing journey! :)

--Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, & Clary

➤ Network with this winner: PassengersofWind

➤ 1st runner up: Kemorgan65

➤ 2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

➤ Final Author's Note: Whew. What a week! I got so much GREAT feedback! I really wanted to reply to every comment, but all I could muster was a generic Thank You because there were literally that many! But I meant that Thank You, really and truly ☺. I now know exactly what I need to change and work on in not only this story but also my writing in general. P.S. my story is now ranking in Paranormal thanks to you guys! That is amazing and has never happened to me! ☺ You all rock!

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Author #2: Echo4Echo

Book Title: THEO - The Kelly Chronicles

Spotlight Chapter: 3

Summary: Sharia Law dominates the land. The Taliban are putting young women to death, for defying their traditions. A USMC fire team, led by Staff Sergeant Michael Theodore, come across an Honor Killing during a routine patrol. Their Rules of Engagement and Tasking assignment prohibit their involvement. However, with the Taliban closing in, Theo must make a decision that will forevermore effect the lives of his team. Corporal William Kelly, must decide whether or not to follow his lead, or follow the letter of the laws of war!

Author's Note: "The bended knee is not a tradition of our Corps." 5-May-1946, 18th Commandant of the U.S. Marine Corps Alexander Vandegrift.

Thanks to NBR for allowing me this opportunity to be spotlighted this week. It's a great honor. DON'T WORRY ABOUT HURTING MY FEELINGS! Just tell it like it is. I want to give special thanks to two very special ladies who have kept me writing! LLMontez and kemorgan65, my sister-in-words. I hope you enjoy.

God Bless, Stay Frosty, and Semper Fidelis,

Billy

1) Do you feel any kind of emotion towards Theo, Kelly, Viking... The Taliban, and the young girl, please explain?

2) I use Military slang and abbreviations. Does it effect the flow of the story? If so, please offer suggestions to improve it.

3) I know this type of story is not what is usually featured. I have made it as realistic and believable as possible, even at the risk of offending through dialogue, character attitudes etc. However, I would love to know if it is something that you would continue to read? 

In-line comment preference: welcome

Genre: Action

Rating: Mature for Language/Violence

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: 1) The Taliban could die. You really made them be monsters here, the way you described their ritualistic, satanic beating of the young girl. it really rubbed me wrong, but in a good way for your story. I was rooting for Theo and the guys to break order and go save the girl. The girl was another one I ached for. Her and all the other females in line. When you described the place, her battered and bruised and pleading, I really cared for her.

For the Marines... I didn't feel much for them, other than an understanding of why they're doing this. I wanted them to save the day. Theo's anger was justifiable, but for them all, other than the understanding, I didn't know worry about them, maybe because they were never worried themselves? Not one thought about the overbearing consequence or the battle ahead. Which you want, that confidence and relaxed posture.

2) I am really not at liberty to say because I understood all of it pretty dang well, being military myself. Your usage of it ENHANCES the reading. The breaks in the radio chat, the hand signals, everything, it adds a life to it that I very much enjoyed. Without it, it would seem like a cop-out, make believe, written by a wannabe script of what someone thinks the military is like.

4)Oh completely. I write semi-military pieces myself, but I've never gotten into reading them. Your story is great material to study for anyone hoping to write one themselves and the story line, comradery, make it an enjoyable read as well.

Okay, character investment...

For Theo, there was marginal development. We understand he has a bone to pick with people who do this kind of brutality. It would be even more pronounced if we understood why he got this angry. If he has a daughter? If she resembled his wife? Who knows, but it would work wonders in making us really care about why he's getting so mad, and make him out to be a more rounded character.

From the other characters we can see that they are loyal to one another, no matter this could literally end their career, maybe even Jail time, you don't play with that kind of stuff. But other than Theo, none fo the other characters get much of a say this chapter. Other than... Viking and his joke, which sets him up as a joker in the best of lights and puts in great comedy relief in a tense time.

The problem is the amount of characters here. I don't know how many times you've mentioned our MC's name but I did not know it for the longest of time. What would really help us feel for our MC would be giving him a more emotional impact on this scene? He doesn't really do anything in this scene but relay what is happening. He has no emotion investment or misgivings. in this chapter he is a mere puppet to tell us what Theo is up to. It's not a bad thing if it gets switched out. If we get to learn who Kelly is too, and he gets his moments to shine and be an individual.

➤ Network with this winner: Riprish

➤ 1st runner up: ShaunEyles

➤ 2nd runner up: SapphireAlenna

➤ Final Author's Note: First, I want to thank everyone for their input. And I want to apologize for offending some readers with one of the terms I used in the chapter. I was simply using the terminology, slang, and jargon that we used in the Corps. It was in no way meant to offend Hispanics, African Americans, or Native Americans. I did remove the offending term and changed it.

Secondly, I wanted to recognize kieran_grace for her excellent comments and summary. I incorporated 90% of what she said and it was a HUGE help. Her eyes as a non-military reader really helped me to clarify certain things to help with the pace and flow of the story.

Finally, I got the result I was looking for. So many of you responded with outrage either for the Taliban, or against Theo's team and their action. I found that that the reaction to the insensitivity of the team was split. Some were outraged by Viking and others loved it.

In the end, I was painting a non-traditional, non-Hollywood, insight into what this life is really about. I appreciate all of your feedback, anger, resentment, and outstanding praise for Theo. Thanks, God Bless, and Semper Fidelis.

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Author #3: consciousdreamer1

Book Title: The Crafters of Norden

Spotlight Chapter: chapter 2– dreary feelings

Summary: In chapter one, Raelyn is crying over the fact that her friends murdered a fish, and also simultaneously upset that she burned the ground with her powers. A new kid who's 12 years old enters into their high school where he gets pranked by the seniors, and before entering the school, he tells Raelyn that he knows her secret. Throughout the day, she's worried about this young stalker and tells her friend about it, who laughs it off thinking the young kid just has a crush on her. When a guy pushes Raelyn, Arabella steps up to tell him his place and tells Rae that she'll never stop protecting her. The two go to class where Jaiden (the young boy) awaits them. He creeps the girls out, and leaves them alone for the rest of the day. Rae goes home, and feels a wave of heat in her palms. Scared she'll cause a fire, she runs to her room where the ocean view calms her down, and then proceeds to tell her mother about her day. 

Author's Note: Hi, everyone! Hope you're all well. I'd like to thank the moderators and YOU guys for doing a great job. Pat yourself on the back. The level of feedback I've seen on authors' works for over a year has blown my mind. This story is something I've had in my mind for a long time now, and I finally put it down to paper. I know I'll be able to make it even better based on your feedback. So without further adieu, here are my questions:

1. I know you've seen the characters in one chapter, but I'd like to know your impressions of them. They all play a significant role later on (even the grandmother at the end).

2. Is the balance between dialogue and description done well? I'm trying to get better with descriptions, but sometimes I feel like I don't paint a good enough picture. Basically, I'd like to know if I should incorporate more action tags, figurative language, sensory details, etc.

3. Is this chapter engaging enough, as in, does it raise questions/lead to curiosity? 

In-line comment preference: NOT preferred (I'd like the feedback all in one. If it's relating to typos, then you can insert an inline comment). 

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

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➤ Winning Comment: #NBR 

Hello @consciousdreamer1! Your reviews are always beautiful, so we hope we can do a good one in return! Your story sounds very interesting--us being high school students ourselves, we love reading about fantasies in high schoolers :). With that, let's get started by pointing out some things as we read:

>First paragraph. This was short, clear, and we knew exactly what was happening without a lot of description just yet. We like this, because it tells what's happening without loads of description clogging it up. A clever writer once told Alison, "Just say what you're trying to say," and in this first paragraph, you've exhibited it; great job. :)

>"Her mother ran in and suddenly, she was no longer at home but rather floating in the ocean, a ball of fire surrounding her." Well, a ball of fire is literally that, a ball, with insides and outsides. To us, the word 'surrounding' paints a rather odd picture. Maybe you could try "engulfed" instead, and then the next time you use engulf (later in the paragraph) could be "and then 'swarmed' by the sea."

>"Turned the air conditioner off so her mother wouldn't catch a cold, and tip-toed downstairs." The term "tip-toed" here is used twice, first here and then two paragraphs ago. We suggest using another phrase, such as "quietly padded downstairs."

>"Before walking out the door, she looked in the living room mirror to make sure that her strands were in place and her face didn't scream terrified. With one final touch, she was out the door." Is she going outside to the ocean in her pajamas? This seems just a smidge odd, we feel that this is something that will make readers stop reading right here. (Which, did you know, people right in the middle of books can tend to stop reading, right there in the middle? It just happened to Stephanie in "Clockwork Prince" by Cassandra Clare. One paragraph was enough to make her decide she was going to return the book to the library!) Well, we're not saying this will happen to your book, but you know how there's so much talk about the cliche "she woke up perfectly, with her hair in place and her clothes all straight" ? Maybe you could elongate a little bit on her appearance. Her hair could be in tangles; she could run fingers through them to place them down, yet never still quite getting the matted tangles out. Her face could be splotchy, a bit red, and Rae could go to the bathroom to splash water over her face.

>"She could imagine herself being carried away by the waves(...)" ← This whole paragraph. A couple things here; a) we wanted more description before this paragraph about her venture down to the beach; the placement of things. Is she walking down a boardwalk, and then finally down the shore to get to the gray ocean. Is the light watery, gray? If so, this would affect the way the ocean looked. Waves would be roaring with an oncoming storm if the sky was dark with clouds; but if it was bright with sunshine then people would be walking occasionally along the shore, and the water would be green-blue and depthless, a never-ending expanse. B), waves are used three times here, making this part feel a little repetitive and stopping the overall flow, BUT this is okay because it's an easy fix. Here's where you used them: "The crash of the WAVES and the smell of the sea felt too good to be true," "She could imagine herself being carried away by the WAVES," and "Upon opening them, she thought she had seen Jaiden amongst the WAVES." These here can be scratched, and rather, you could say, "She could imagine herself being carried away by the ever-moving current, out to the horizon line of the sea," and "Upon opening them, she thought she had seen Jaiden amongst the soft rises and ridges that the water created." And c) The last sentence: "Upon opening them, she thought she had seen Jaiden amongst the(...)" This is just phrased a bit awkwardly, but it's okay, because it's another easy fix. "Amongst," feels wrong to use in you're moving the story along, and how it corresponds to her feelings within the story. We also get that detail between why she does things rather than just doing it, like when you say, "If it would make her mother happy, she'd do it." It shows her logic behind the fake smile she has. Anyways, let's continue! :)

>"She pulled out a chair and sat down, the wood scraping against the tiles knocking Lydia out of whatever trance she was in." Woah, slow down here! Use commas for this sentence, or possibly more description. Consider saying this instead (and also consider using Raelyn's name because there is more than one person in the scene now): "Raelyn pulled out a chair and sat down, and the scrape of wood against cream tiles made Lydia flinch." Here, we took out trance because you never suggested anything about her being in a sort of trance in the first place.

>"Raelyn nodded, and reached for a (slice) of bread."

We didn't do anything in the last half of the chapter because a) we didn't see anything extremely major that we felt the need to point out, because it was mostly dialogue, and we're going to address the dialogue in the chapter as one, but those were the things we wanted to point out for right now. Now, let's get onto your questions and the comment topic.

For your first question, actually, this first part we're going to talk about is the Comment Topic, but then it'll jump right into your first question. Well--all right, here's the thing. Characters need to have characterization. They need to be tight with characterization, bleeding it out through their words and through the dialogue. They need to be filled with it; like, to the point where we'd know exactly who was doing what by their actions. We felt like this with every character EXCEPT Raelyn.

She needs characterization; we didn't find her to be spunky or quiet or loud or shy. We couldn't quite fit her into a character trait because she just seemed to be following the storyline for us, and we think this sentence, and so does "had seen," and "upon opening them". It seems outdated for this contemporary, modern piece (WE ARE GUILTY OF THIS, TOO! :))! So you can simply say, "When she opened them, she thought she saw Jaiden among the(...)"

>So far, we're admiring the way that you're describing how she feels about being against the ocean, her relaxed state, her calm demeanor when she's around it. It's very relatable, having that one thing that kind of keeps you stable and calms down your anxious thoughts. For Stephanie, it's words. She could just look at odd words no one has ever heard of before, English or not, and feel very, very calm after reading them and their definitions. So we definitely know how Rae is feeling, here. Great job with this :).

>"After all, how can Jaiden be here?" Tense change here with "can." We suggest changing it to "Could."

>One thing we're noticing is that you barely use Raelynn's name, only "She' and "her." We suggest that you keep her name consistent throughout the entirety of the chapter, or else it'll draw out what's going on in the story.

>"When she got to the front steps of her porch(...)" Either make a chapter break before this or say something that suggests her leaving so that the story will be more sequential. For example, you could try, "Raelynn took a deep breath, felt the cold of the ocean breathing against her skin one last time, and turned to go back to her house in the sleepy morning." Then it'll make a lot more sense if you say, "When she got to the front steps of her porch(...)" but we feel that a chapter break would be your best, and most sequential, option here. :)

>The paragraph that starts with "She turned the knob and stepped inside," you use stepped twice and then you use it a few times before this paragraph as well, making the verb feel a bit repetitive, so maybe use a few alternatives: "She walked inside, she trudged into, she marched inside with this fake facade." BUT we love the way that didn't feel particularly too fond of her because of that. BUT with a few things you could do in this chapter, we're sure we'll definitely be able to the characterization of her. First, you could add her internal monologue. She could think, "I wonder if I'm going crazy because I see Jaiden." Or, "Why does Aunt Lydia always have to be in such a bad mood?" The next thing you could do for this characterization of Raelyn is to focus on her dialogue. We'll talk more about dialogue later, but for her character, we felt as though what everyone was saying were puzzle pieces put together and her dialogue were the final puzzle pieces that fit the puzzle perfectly together. Get rid of these puzzle pieices, allow her to say things that move the story along, yet aren't exactly what readers would expect her to say! It would be kind of like....this:

Aunt Angela: "You've got a very nice necklace there, Clary."

(Perfect Puzzle Piece that readers would expect her to say) Clary: "Thank you."

But now, this characterization technique misguides the perfect-puzzle-piece scenario (and yikes yikes yikes we hope we're making sense!!!) and takes it to this:

Aunt Angela: "You've got a very nice necklace there, Clary."

Clary (what readers would not expect her to say): "Really, you think? I feared it was a little too rustic for my taste."

Rather than the expected "Thank you" that people usually say (that puzzle-piece that fits within the rest of the dialogue), we used something that readers would not expect, morphed those puzzle pieces around to SHOW dialogue within the character. The second example shows how Clary is a bit watchful of fashion and doesn't like rustic jewelry (In reality, she really loves rustic jewelry, though ;), haha).

Just those sorts of little things help our overall impression of the character. For Riletta, we wanted more of a motherly vibe from her, but we grasped her characterization, so great job with that. As we said, we wanted to know what she was like with Raelyn. With her daughter being a witch, we would've thought she'd be a little overprotective of her daughter, but we felt a little distance. We suggest that Riletta strokes her daughter's hair during breakfast, maybe, or butters her daughter's toast, or something similar to that. But we did like the character, however.

We definitely grasped Aunt Lydia's characterization! She was gorgeous in a way that she was spiteful, but the ONLY thing is that we felt her dialogue was forced, but we'll talk about that, as we've said, a bit later. But we liked her a lot because she was...electric. Salty. Argumentative. She was something different, and we liked her! :) Great job.

Arabella/Kim was also very electric in a way that made us like her, as well, and we got the fact that she was characterized very well, as well as the grandmother. The grandmother at the end was very magical, very different, very interesting. We liked her.:)

For your second question, we agree that there could've been more description, even throughout the dialogue. The dialogue in the story felt a little forced to us, a little robotic, and this is partially because you didn't have a lot of description around it. Think of dialogue as a flower, and description as water. Too little water, and the flower will die out. Too much water, the flower will drown. Too little description, the dialogue will die. Too much description, the dial ogue will drown (and die). This can be fixed with, as your second question back in your Author's Note suggests, Balance.

#NBR 7

Balance needs to be tied in with a lot of parts and a lot of things. We're going to rewrite the dialogue at the breakfast scene and point out to you how we loosened up the words:

→ "What happened to your face?"

Lydia dropped her bread on her plate and set the knife back inside the butter jar. "Good morning to you(,) too." (We omitted the 'miss sunshine' because for us, it interrupted the flow of the dialogue, and then we added in a comma after 'you.') She rolled her eyes. "Gosh kid, do you really have to point out the ugly?"

Raelyn shrugged. "It's not like it makes a difference. Scar or not, your face is still the same." (This is great here, and we wanted to compliment you on how nicely this flows! :) Great job!)

Lydia picked up the bread and pointed it at Raelyn. "(And) what's that supposed to mean?" (The word we added, and, is to make this dialogue here feel less forced. So far, your description is good, but here's where the dialogue gets a little fast and Lydia starts to fly towards assumptions.

"That wasn't supposed to mean anything. I was just saying--"

"What? That because I've got a thin scar on my jawline means I'm ugly?"

Raelyn threw her hands into the air. This always transpired between her and her aunt. (We added a bit of backstory here because it a) slows down the dialogue to a comfortable pace and b) allows the reader to understand Lydia a bit better.) "Why d'you take everything I say the wrong way? I just pointed out that you had a scar on your face."

Lydia slid her hair back with a long hand, revealing her scar. (We added more description here because it seemed fitting.) "Look closer, why don't you?"

Riletta entered the room, her apron smeared with flour as she set a bowl of biscuits on the table. (Slows down and builds on what she's going to say next.) "That's enough. Are you two at it again? I can't leave you guys alone for a split minute--Raelyn, honey, have some breakfast." ←

We found the rest of the dialogue in here to be done very well and more natural, especially with the entrance of Arabella (oh, that name is just so very beautiful and lovely! It reminds us so of that movie, Mariposa, with Queen Arabella and all of the lovely butterfly fairies from a long ago childhood :))! But yes, we thought you did well with that, but the next part we wanted to look at was the part with the grandmother, because we did find that part to be a little forced as well (but only a little). Here's how we would've rewritten it (but it'll be ever so slightly because the rest of it was great, and your description of when the grandmother gives her the necklace is beautifully done :)):

→ "I'm good, granny. How about you?" (More natural response, to us, at least, but this is totally optional--all of these suggestions are! :)).

The old woman smiled and sighed. (We added the 'sighed' part here so it didn't disrupt the flow of the dialogue granny is about to say.) "Good as can be. I'm not really here to talk much, Kim. I have something for you."

Kim held out her hand. "Give it here, g." (We just have to compliment you on this part and tell you how much we absolutely adore it; there is lovely characterization for Arabella Kim here and gives the story a great vibe. :) Amazing job with this!)

"I know you do"--She placed it on Kim's palm. "Always keep this around your neck. It'll ward off anything evil." (We omitted the "I want you to" and just started the sentence with always because it sounded more natural and flowed a bit better. ←

#NBR 9 (this is the last one, we promise :))

What a great, lovely story you've got here! How amazing it is, and clever, and interesting! One of the things we wanted to see more of was the kitchen, the dining room, the porch, the general setting of things. There seemed to be very little of that here, and with such a beautiful plotline and such a beautiful feeling of calmness regarding the ocean, we wanted to see that! Is the sky alive with clouds, glowing with morning sunlight? How do Riletta and Lydia move about the house since they're sister? Do they have certain movements that really make them different, or the same? Is the porch lined with baskets of seashells, and are there little sayings upon the walls of the Raelyn's house that say things like "PLEASE LET THIS BE A FLIP-FLOP DAY" or something catchy like that since it's a beach house? (Stephanie's house is four hours away from the beach and she still has the saying we just mentioned on the wall, so maybe they're everyday sayings? Haha!)

Anyways, we loved your story and the plotline. You did such a great job on it! Arabella is definitely very interesting, we liked her a lot :). Oh, we wish you the best, best, best luck on your story and we hope we could be a bit helpful with this review! Thank you so very much for reading through it, it means a lot! Good luck, once again, and have a lovely rest of your spotlight week.

Have a very flip-flop day,

Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, and Clary

➤ Network with this winner: PassengersofWind

➤ 1st runner up: AhsokaJackson

➤ 2nd runner up: TimothyMarsh

➤ Final Author's Note: Hi, everyone! Hope you're all having a great day/week. I was overwhelmed with the amount of feedback I've gotten, but I did appreciate how you guys took the time and effort to look over even minute details and present them to me so that I may do a better job next time around. I've learned a lot during the spotlight and even more so when I'm not in the spotlight. I'd just like to take a moment to thank you all. Without your time and effort, this contest wouldn't be where it's at today. I know Dawn, Maya, Grace, and the other board members have done a great job with this contest, helping it grow and helping the members feel like they're part of a community. This year has been extremely busy for me, but I didn't have the heart to leave the contest as it's made a special place into my heart. I just got back to writing too after going through a period of not writing due to stress overload and just life in general. Coming back with this book and already getting feedback is incredibly helpful to me as a writer. In addition to the winners and runners up, I'd like to thank these members for their feedback: SapphireAlena, black_hole_survivor , Riprish, and LLMontez Great job you guys.

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