Oooh! look! It's a star! Someone PRESS it!

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST): 2/24 -3/6 

✔︎ Moderator: dawnstarling "I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE reading the bios of NBR members!"

Announcements:

1) NEW NBR RULE: In the event you can't read a genre, you are no longer allowed to privately inform the spotlight author and/or publicly announce it on the NBR comment thread. Instead, please PM the DawnStarling account with a well qualified reason why you must pass on the story. If approved, the moderators will inform the spotlight author. This new rule is created in courtesy and respect for our spotlight authors. Enforcers manually go through rounds each week and know exactly which books you have not read. Please abide by the pledge you have taken, show authors their due respect and read all three chapters each week. 

2) Please extend a congratulatory round of applause to our newest Champion Reviewer and Triple Crowner: SapphireAlena *Throws Star Wars themed confetti everywhere*

3) The release of 15 contestants for Battle of the Chapters (Round 1) is now LIVE! Cast up to three votes for your favorite stories. 

4) In light of everyone's continuous efforts, NBR will be taking a one week break next week to offer members a moment to decompress, write, and reflect on life. NBR will resume on March 10th, midnight CST. 

Comment Topic: The Voice of the writer is an element that sets a story/book a part from others. Comment on how the writer's voice has captured the essence of the chapter. 

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Author #1: MeganAshley

Book Title: Vengeance From Darkness 

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter One

Summary: Elizabeth Guinea is an assassin, and she is not one to be reckoned with. Upon completing her years of training within the Order of the Assassin's, Elizabeth is summoned to English Court with her mentor, Hudson Armstrong, to protect the Royal Family from the Order of the Knights, a widely known group of corrupt noblemen. As she and Hudson eliminate threats to the throne, they begin to face threats of their own, including Elizabeth's estranged father. While trying to forget her difficult past with her father, protect the Royals and avoid the scandal and betrayal of Court, Elizabeth begins to play against the rules at the dangerous game of Court -- at the risk of losing her head. 

Author's Note: Hi everyone! I am so excited to be in the spotlight this week, and I would like to give a huge shoutout to the people behind the who make everything possible! I drew a lot of inspiration for this book from my own life (to an extent of course, a lot of things are metaphorical for me) and I have put so much work into it, so I'm excited to hear everyone's feedback! The chapter I have spotlighted this week does exceed 2800 words, and I put a marker, but if you do choose to read on, now or in the future, I hope you enjoy it!

Question 1: How does the mood of the chapter feel to you? I want it to feel slightly mysterious in the beginning before it builds up to the action, but I'm not sure of how I captured it. If I need to improve this, please explain.

Question 2: Is the explanation of the two organizations (Order of the Assassin's & Order of the Knights) too confusing? I've heard before that I wasn't entirely clear in explaining them, and if I wasn't, what could I do to improve my description of them?

Question 3: It is clear that Elizabeth and her father have a very cold relationship and they're not fond of one another. Is this portrayed well, or should I add extra details into this in order to make it more clear?

Thank you so much for reading my chapter, and I can't wait to hear everyone's feedback! 

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: PG-13 (There is a brief execution in the chapter, and if you read on, there is a bit of violence from Elizabeth's father towards her)

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment:

Greetings from someone that grew up in your home state (Go Cougs!) OMG, I hope you are not a UW alumni (ha!)

Congratulations on your featured chapter; so nice to see historical fiction getting some props. I enjoy the genre when well researched (Caleb Carr's The Alienist being a prime example).

The chapter really grabbed me at the point when Elizabeth and her father see the executioner's block. Author Joe Hill (Stephen King's son) tells us to "step on the gas on page 1, and don't let up until the end of the book." With his advice in mind, perhaps consider beginning Chapter 1 with Elizabeth already at the odd gathering, next to her father, aghast at what she is about to witness. We readers can quickly be brought up to speed as to what is going on, and you have hooked your audience with a compelling narrative.

NBR-ers reading my next bit are going to collectively groan, but I will relentlessly beat this particular drum: Readers on mobile devices tend to skip past longer paragraphs. Perhaps try reading your work on a mobile phone, to see how it appears. When I first joined Wattpad, a veteran suggested aiming for no more than three sentences per paragraph. After initially resisting his advice, I spent a lot of time breaking up my longer paragraphs. It's fine to have a "Wattpad" version of your work, a hard copy version on Amazon, and any number of other versions. The old rules don't apply anymore:-)

#2: Is the explanation of the two organizations clear? I ended up reading to the end of the chapter because I was enjoying it, and also to answer your question. What I understood (based upon the chapter only) is that there is an outdated, cult-like entity based upon the Knights Templar, and a "gang of assassins." The latter is likely more than this label implies. In reading the entire chapter, I did not find anything to be confused about. However, I have read a great deal about the Knights Templar (and have a PhD), so my opinion should be considered in this context.

Is the relationship between Elizabeth and her father clear? As I consider this question, I am unsure why their relationship is strained (i.e., their history). Is it because she is outspoken? Doesn't obey him? If these are the reasons, why would he bring her to the meeting and expect compliance?

Perhaps consider a different approach: It appears her mother is absent/dead. As the only parent (and she the only child), he has treated her as well as he could (given the times and his personal limitations). He has made it clear her entire life that great things are expected of her. Elizabeth would ask from time to time, and he alluded to mystery and intrigue, but never anything specific. Perhaps she even imagines something fantastic waiting in her future.

When she finds out what it really is, she is understandably horrified. The relationship breaks beyond repair, and we understand why. All of this could be handled via flashback, so that you can still open with a "bang."

Her father is now a "real dad" that we feel sorry for (instead of Neegan from the Walking Dead, who's just an a-hole). We all felt kind of sorry for Brian aka the Governor on the Walking Dead, because we had his back story (which made him human). He was still a villain, but one that we we hoping might turn around and be a good guy.

#3: If a character is portrayed as too villainous, we just want him gone, but you lose the opportunity for complex interplay. For example, think Luke and Darth Vadar, or the intrigue of "Breaking Bad" and "Homeland." So many amazing stories are built upon complicated relationships involving people that do bad things, but are not entirely evil. Or good people that end up doing bad things to get to a good end, but the evil deeds corrupt their soul to the point that what they were seeking becomes irrelevant.

How has the writer's voice contributed to the mood of the chapter? A more formal writing style is well suited for historical fiction. Formality aids in bringing the reader to the past, away from dialogue populated with "like, you know," "babe" etc. The manner in which characters speak to one another hearkens to an earlier age, yet is readable (if truly written in the way people spoke in the 1500s, we would not recognize many of the words). The writer's voice via character dialogue transports readers, and holds them fast.

➤ Network with this winner: AmericanBruja

➤ 1st runner up: PassengersOfWind

➤ 2nd runner up: Nerali

➤ Final Author's Note: 

I really enjoyed being in the Spotlight, and everyone who gave me constructive criticism has my thanks! Thanks again to DawnStarling for putting together this wonderful group. I am still going through everyone's comments, so I apologize if I am delayed in replying to them. Thank you again to everyone :) I learned and so much this week and now I know what I need to do to improve my writing style. 

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Author #2: angelapoppe

Book Title: The Moonlight Boy

Spotlight Chapter: Such an unusual child (first chapter)

Summary: In Goodharts, the small town between the hills, nobody knows how the Donovans' child really looks. His mother has been keeping him out of sight for over seven years. But when the boy is finally going to school, the people are not only intrigued by the way he looks, but also by the odd things happening around him.

Yet strange things are happening in Ferry's town, too, although nobody wants to admit it. Every seven years, a person mysteriously disappears in the forest near the town. When a boy in Ferry's class simply vanishes into thin air, Ferry is the only one to know what might have happened to him.

With the help of his friends, who are just as different as he is, he is determined to find the missing boy and embarks on an adventure into the land of the unseen. But is he really prepared for what lies beyond the enchanted realm of the Fay People?

And all this time, someone has been watching him closely...

Author's Note:  It's happening! It's really happening! Can't believe I'm in the spotlight! I've joined NBR two months ago and I was so thrilled to discover such amazing stories and writers. But most of all, I was impressed by the amazing feedback and support between the members. NBR is a great community and I'm happy to be part of it. I'd like to thank mamoritai for encouraging me to join NBR and to dawnstarling and the whole NBR team for doing such a great job!

Questions:

1. I'm a Romanian native and although I've always loved English, I still have doubts whether my English is good enough. So I guess my question would be: is my English well... English enough? And I'm talking here about grammar, punctuation, sentence structure (I tend to write long sentences), dialogue, awkward formulations, basically anything wrong in English that makes this story hard to read for English readers (whether they are native English or English is their second language).

2. I like to outline my stories and I know pretty much everything about my characters (main, secondary or supportive), about the history or geography of the places I write about, and also about their back stories. In this chapter, there are two short back stories: about the main character's parents and the back story of the town this story is set. My question is: do you find these back stories relevant or could the story work without them just as well?

3. This is a story about a changeling living among humans. For those who are not familiar with the concept, a changeling child is believed to be a fairy child that had been left in place of a human child stolen by the fairies. The story takes places both in the human realm, as well as in the fairyland.

This is actually half of the first chapter. Although this story has received positive feedback, there is still a huge gap between the first and second chapter (1.1K vs. 430 reads), a sign that many have abandoned the story after the first chapter. My question is whether this chapter is gripping enough to make you keep reading? Please be specific about what works and what doesn't.

Thank you so much! Can't wait to see what you think!

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: 

Hello Gorgeous! So glad I finally got around to peeking at your spotlight - I know, nothing like the last minute, right? Regardless, I promised I'd look deep into your words and find the combined problem we have, and I think in your story's case, I may have found one contributing factor. Stay tuned for more details.

CT: Voice -

You don't really have enough character dialogue in here to give me enough fodder to give you a true analysis on voice, but as for your narrator's voice, I think you did an excellent job making the narrator a whimsical 3rd person omniscient that reads in the same fashion as the Grimm brothers and Andersen. There wasn't must imagery, which is usually the case with fairy tales, but there was plenty of characterization. What I liked most about your narration was that you created these flat characters (as all fairy tales are full of flat characters) and gave them flat narration to stem from. I've read that FT characters are meant to be one-dimensional because their purpose is not to wow us with the depth of their changing perspectives, but by the fact that they only are meant to push the protagonist forward. I think your narrator does a great job with this, but I want to make a few suggestions:

- Keep Eileen loving. Always.

- Keep Peter a douche bag. Always.

- Keep the doctor an imbecile. Always.

- Keep Andrew weird. Always. - Not to mention, Andrew should be perceived as an "underdog" in this beginning. The idea of having him start off normal and then descend into abnormal is great! I love it. But then maybe, to level out your massive shifts from awesome baby, to terrible baby, to strange baby, just take him from normal to strange. Eileen can notice these things and be concerned and then you can use Peter's curmudgeon-y voice to be the "dark thoughts" perspective. If he actually makes it to these doctor visits...

Basically, I like what you're doing. To give us more of that storybook feel, I would streamline the characters.

Q2: Backstories

I think the backstory to Andrew is the most important part here. This sets up the scene just like every other fairy tale starts with the origin of the main character and how everything went wrong. Thinking about "Briar Rose" and "Rapunzel" specifically, we need to hear about the troubles of these older couples with conception in order to find out how much this child was wanted and had the potential to be loved unconditionally. It's due to strange circumstances that this beautiful idea goes out of whack.

So yes, this backstory is important, crucial even, but I think you could organize it differently to make it flow better.

And this is where I transition into Q3 because I believe this is where your biggest issues hide.

Since I'm in the same boat as you, I can only give you my outside opinion on where I think the disconnect lies - I don't by any means claim to have the answer because girl, if I did, I would definitely be in the 1M reads category right now. This stuff is hard to figure out!

Q3: Drop-off

I believe your disconnect is happening because you have a lack of tension that stems from your organization.

Let's break it down:

Hook: Andrew Donovan was not an ordinary boy.

-I like this. I love this actually. I think it's a great way to begin your whole story and I really enjoy the fact that this is a whimsical way to begin the whole adventure.

-This is where your tension should start. You have our attention - now you need to keep it.

Para 1: This is where you should establish the backstory. Right from paragraph 1. His parents were older (this is concern 1 and will assume that maybe something is wrong because of his parents' age), and his coming was celebrated.

-Here you establish his parents' expectations. Tell us about that pharmacist job.

-By doing this, you're building tension. He's not ordinary... but this all sounds really ordinary. He's not born yet, so we're waiting for things to just go totally wrong.

Para2: Well, technically, this would be like paragraph 6 or 7, but this is where you can introduce the birth of Andrew - perfect, sweet, bouncy, pink baby.

- Tell us how wonderful everything is.

- Just like in "Briar Rose", we find out only after the baby is born, that something disastrous is waiting for her. This could be a great way to present this information for your story as well.

- This will build tension. Things WERE perfect. Things had the potential to be wonderful. But something goes horribly wrong.

Para 3: Ok, the paragraphs are way off, just assume when I say 'Para', I just mean 'section'.

- This is when something happens and we start to see Andrew change.

- Readers don't know what's wrong yet, but we know something is happening.

- His mother should stay the same - loving, worried, believing that nothing is WRONG, he's just different.

- Peter should have already been established as an absentee father. This should not change, but now we despise him more because he's not there when Eileen needs him most.

- The doctor visit will only add to the absurdity and confusion *see my note in-line. I think this is where you can add an element of the ridiculous to make this seem crazy. The readers will be stunned and will want to know more because things are just getting weirder and weirder.

Para 4: Things take a turn for the worse when Eileen just doesn't know what to do.

Para 5: Make a discovery about Andrew - something that won't give away too much information, but something that will make us see him differently.

- The tension is dissipating - we need to discover something that will totally blow our minds, keep the craziness, unbelievability, or mystery going. By this time, in the way you currently have it, the reader is not engaged. Things seem to be just moving along, but not showing much conflict or tension anymore.

- Add some new element of tension that will keep readers going and engaged.

-Bring a new detail to our attention.

Para5: Conclude the chapter

- LOVE THE WAY YOU DID THIS. Keep it as is.

- From what I noticed, the reader loses you in the middle. If they keep reading, they will love the end. I know I did.

Maybe with the organization, a mini short-story arc, maybe this will keep readers interested enough to continue along.

At any rate, I REALLY enjoyed this story and loved the storybook quality of your prose. Hopefully, if you find any of this information helpful at all, you'll see readers clawing to get to the next chapter. 100%, that's the goal. You got this.

Happy edits,

-L

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez

➤ 1st runner up: Nerali

➤ 2nd runner up: Echo4Echo

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Hello, dear NBR members! I know I must draw some conclusions after the NBR spotlight week, but somehow words are not enough to express the way I felt during that week. To me, it was like attending a creative writing course with dozens of incredibly talented teachers.

I literally felt overwhelmed with the thorough, detailed comments, the links they have provided, the book recommendations. Some of them have even researched on Romanian grammar to make me understand better what I was doing wrong. Wow! They all looked like professional editors, each one coming with something new to help me improve my writing style and grammar. I could never thank you enough! I intend to use all the recommendations as guidelines for future editing since I'm now writing the final chapters of the story.

But wait, that's not all! The tumult of excellent reviews continued the next week with hundreds of thorough, elaborate comments. And some of them would've made it to top three if the NBR regulation would've allowed it. Thank you all so much! I never would've thought my little chapter about fairies would bring so much enthusiasm among the amazing NBR members.

This spotlight also brought me great new friends and followers I have so much to learn from. I'd like to thank the NBR team, too, for the wonderful job they're doing! Have a great week!

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Author #3: clinquant

Book Title: The Secrets of Westwood (Grace Shaw Series: Book 1)

Spotlight Chapter: 3 - Evidence

Summary: Grace Shaw was no stranger to the paranormal world. She can see the spirits of people trapped on earth with unfinished business. Working for the police has its ups and downs. After returning to work from a short break, she was ready to get her life back on track.

However that all changed when a spirit broke the norm and spoke to her. The spirits had never spoken before, so why now? What new complication would this bring? And did it have anything to do with the current case she was working?

Author's Note: First off, so excited to be spotlighted again. There will always be a space in my heart for NBR and all the wonderful people that run it. I think it's a fantastic venture. Everyone who commented really helped me the last time I was featured, so I'm positive you'll all help again.

1) What kind of person does Grace come across as and does her personality work for the role she has?

2) Does the layout of the crime scene/finding evidence work or does it read badly/wooden. What can I improve?

3) Is the chapter interesting enough for what's in it or does it need to be more exciting and have less information in it?

In-line comment preference: Not preferred

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: Mature (slight vulgarity involved)

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: 

Hi Hannah! Congratulations on your spotlight! Question 1: What kind of person is Grace? Does her personality fit her role? Well, first off, I'd say it doesn't matter what personality you've given her, because all types can do whatever role regardless. Non-stereotypical characters make for the best stories!

Do I believe you've portrayed Grace in a way that is believable for her role? Yes. Grace is a great character. I see as being very mentally strong; she's experienced in dealing with paranormal activity, and this doesn't bother her. She's intellectual, driven. She's a hard worker, a team player, as well as a leader. Interestingly, she does have a little bit of an inferiority complex, and some of that possibly comes from past experiences (Rapture Killings?) and perhaps proving herself in a male-dominated position? As such, Grace is a little bit overly defensive about herself and to those who question her abilities/value (Dominic). On the other hand, she is confident/arrogant enough to tell off a superior to his face and not worry about the consequences. Despite the complexity, Grace is also shown to have the capacity to feel "warmed," "be "grateful" and "happy." Great character work!

Does the layout of the crime scene work? Does the description of finding evidence work? I'm sure I suffer from having only read Chapter 3. I can only presume the crime scene was thoroughly described in an earlier chapter. I do think that Grace finds the scrunched up photo way too quickly (In the first sentence in which she begins her search, "something [catches] her eyes in the left corner of the greenhouse." I find it hard to believe no one else noticed the evidence before then!

There is some hint that Grace had recognized the paper as "the out of place piece she'd spotted in the original photo," but this is not well described in the passage. It is such a significant event though that I think the chapter would benefit from a slower description of Grace's mental processes and systematic approach to finding the photo. Even if it is dumb luck finding the photo, it is Grace's skillful approach that should highlight its discovery.

Lastly, why would a killer (a smart one!) scrunch up a photo with a written message and leave it in a corner of a greenhouse to be discovered? I imagine the killer to be more arrogant and to just leave the photo in plain sight to be discovered; as if to challenge the police department more openly.

Question 3 Is the chapter interesting enough? I really like this story. Great, intriguing main character with a special ability. Good storyline. I think it has a lot of potential. The length of chapter may be a little too much for Wattpad readers, but it's not prohibitive.

For me, the chapter itself has four big moments: Interaction with Dom Part 1, the finding of the scrunched photo-clue, Interaction with Dom Part 2, and Meeting with Grace's Team. The superfluous, getting-ready-in-the-morning scenery could probably be cut out. Meeting with Grace's work team could probably open its own chapter. Just a thought.

How has the writer's voice captured the essence of the chapter? For the most part, I feel like the important parts of this chapter are well-captured. The chapter centers around Grace's conversations with Dom Lucas and the finding of the photo clue. I think you do a great job of giving Grace's character a lot of shape and form in her conversations; we really get to know her well; feel her determination and frustration; understand her relationship with Dom. The finding of the photo-clue is underplayed somewhat, and could use a little more drama and excitement, but otherwise the chapter is wonderful.

➤ Network with this winner: JohnAAJoseph

➤ 1st runner up: AnnieIrish

➤ 2nd runner up: KillYourDarlings7

➤ Final Author's Note: 

For me, I feel like NBR is how English Literature should have been taught to me in school. If I was taught in the manner of the kind and constructive advice and help given I wouldn't have been so confused and frustrated when I started this journey. Certain aspects of life are difficult for me and writing is an outlet of excitement and passion that I would never want to give up. I'm not the best at it but I have the determination to constantly improve my work. I didn't think this second time at being spotlighted could beat the first but it has. I'm constantly surprised by how kind and patient everyone has been in reading and commenting. I am aware that I have, perhaps more mistakes/errors than others but the fact that so many of you have gone to the effort to not only point them out to me but give me examples on how to improve them warms my heart. I'm very grateful to Dawn and every moderator that works on NBR and it is an honour to help/receive help from so many wonderful writers. It's been a great week and I'm confident that my 'fourth' draft will be miles above the ones before because of the help given. Thank you ~ Hannah.

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