Happy Valentines Day from the NBR board.

Announcements: Be ready for the FIRST Battle of the Chapters!!! Read the rules carefully and look out for the posting in a the next couple of days! GOOD LUCK!! :-)
Watch the video above, complied by our very own The3dreamers, advertising wattpad's 'love notes to the world' initiative (http://w.tt/wattpadlovenotes) Have fun with it!

Comment Tip(s): Remember you need only answer TWO of the three author questions and you might consider starting from book three sometimes or book two to mix things up a bit

Comment Topic: Comment on the mood of the chapter by describing how you felt while reading it. Then explain how the Author was able to evoke those feelings. Be as detailed as possible.  (Sorry this got published a little late)

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST): Feb 10 to Feb 19

✔︎ Moderator: mokbook

Press those pretty stars please :-)

Author #1: KillYourDarlings7

Book Title: Black Stars

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter 4 - Illusions

Summary: Leah Azemar lives in a world where society is separated from those deemed unworthy. She lives inside the wall on the south east coast of Australia with her adopted parents, Alice and Brenton. All criminals are dumped on the other side of the wall, where they are left to fend for themselves in the desert. Recently, Leah and a classmate went to their high school after hours and set it alight. For her friend, this act was one of anger and revenge, but for Leah it had more purpose - the school security cameras had caught her doing something that would send her behind the wall, or to the science labs (the reader does not know what she was caught doing as of yet). As they were leaving the school, Leah turned back and saw a silhouette emerge from the school and watch them leave. This chapter begins as Leah is starting to accept that she has been caught and will have to face the consequences of her actions. Up to this point, the reader is aware that Leah's relationship with her adopted father, Brenton, has been a rocky one (very rocky), and though he appears to hate her, he also has some history with Leah's biological father and doesn't regret adopting her.

Author's Note: Hi everyone! I'm so excited to be in the spotlight again! I would just like to say thank you in advance to you all. This community is so wonderful and I love being a part of it. Massive thank you to @DawnStarling and the crew for putting so much effort into creating and maintaining NBR.

As for my chapter. Please rip it apart. I want to hear everything you like and dislike.

Questions:

1) The end of this chapter is a very important reveal in Black Stars. It is the first time the reader is explicitly told that Leah is not normal compared to the other people in the world she's living in. Leah has spent her whole life trying to hide this abnormality from everyone she knows (apart from her adopted parents: Brenton and Alice). So my question is, do you think this reveal is done effectively and realistically? If you have any suggestions of how to improve it, please fire away!

2) Brenton is a very important character to this story, however that only becomes obvious a a little later on, and this is the first time the reader actually meets him (however they have heard of him before). I would like to know whether you think his character is complex and real enough, and whether you think he (or Leah) are more in the wrong here? This has been a bit of a balancing act for me. Brenton ends up becoming one of the main antagonists in the story, but I really want his character to be original, and not just come across as a typical 2D villain.

3) I am forever worried my punctuation, word choice and spelling are not perfect. Any suggestions on this front would be much appreciated!

IMPORTANT NOTE:

Please START reading after the '...'. There are about 500 words at the beginning of this chapter that are not important to the spotlight, and you won't necessarily understand that part as I haven't given information in the summary about it.

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Sci-Fi

Rating: PG (some swearing, not much)

▼ Check back to see the winners:

➤ Winning Comment: Hi Skylar! Congrats on the spotlight! I'm sorry for my nearly-late review.

Comment topic (mood): You've definitely created a tense atmosphere in this chapter, what with Brenton's attitude and the scenario itself. I love the way you introduced Brenton--the creak, the blinds, the shadows on his face--everything built up on the suspense. And later on, when you started talking about his drinking, you made us scared for Leah (the 5 beers = violent bit especially). Not to mention the part where he actually throws a beer at her--whew!

You've really managed to turn this into a heated chapter with crackling emotions. Throughout the chapter, I felt the anger that Leah felt, as well as the fear when she realised she may be sent to the other side of the wall.

Some of the descriptions you've used have also helped really add onto this atmosphere. Phrases like "grotesque parody of a smile" really stood out to me (though you mentioned his smile quite a few times--I'll get to this later) :)

Regarding the mood, one thing I wanted to point out was that you could try and use the setting to further enhance it. In certain places, you've done this (like the creak, the part with the blinds, and all the empty bottles on the table) but I felt as though you could have emphasized on it a bit more. For example, you could have Leah take note of the reek of alcohol, or bring out the lack of light in the room by mentioning shadowed furniture etc. You could say that she's feeling cold because, after all, she's wet and there's no sunlight. Small things like that. :)

That aside, I had no qualms about the mood! You did a pretty good job setting the atmosphere. :)

Questions:

The reveal: I actually rather liked the reveal. I liked how you had her run to the other side of the room when Brenton throws the bottle at her before having him mention her speed. I like how Leah felt hurt when he called her a freak. Realistically speaking, I thought you did a good job with this part.

I only have a few quick suggestions about that part:

- Might I suggest an edit for "Brenton moved fast, but not as fast as her"? Maybe you could say "Brenton rushed towards the table and grabbed a bottle. He moved fast, but not fast enough." (This isn't really necessary, but while reading the first sentence, "Brenton moved fast" sounded a bit odd as I didn't know what he was doing.)

- Try to show her speed while you have her run across the room. Over here, you've said that she "darted to the other side of the room". While the fact that she manages to do that and watch the bottle crash against the wall, I feel as though that would have had a bit more of an effect if you tried describing the crash in slow-motion or something like that. I get that this would seem more movie-ish, but when you think about it, if someone moves that fast, it's actually pretty likely that the bottle's movement would seem slow to her.

- Italics. I think people have mentioned this in the in-line comments, but I think you should italicize the flash-back and possibly one of the "Freak"s in the part where it's repeated. :)

- Maybe emphasize a bit on her feeling hurt when she realises that Alice told him about her sleep visions?

Overall though, I had no real problems with the reveal. It seemed pretty natural and well-paced to me. I loved the flow and the imagery, I was able to picture everything clearly! Good job there! :)

2. Brenton: As far as being original goes, I think you've done a decent job here! In this chapter, he seemed as though while he wasn't the nicest person (quite the opposite, in fact), he probably has a reason for hating Leah. I like how you've set him apart from other villains that way, by making him have reasons behind his actions. For example, you have him say that he's drunk in this chapter because of the fire and how everyone constantly looks at him and Alice. I like that.

There's a reason backing up what he does, and he isn't drunk simply because he wanted to drink.

Brenton didn't really strike me as "oh, he's going to be the main antagonist" in this chapter--more "ugh, he's one of those bullies the MC will one day think of as nothing". That's a good thing. In most stories, the villains are rather clearly established right at the beginning. Unlike the normal "bad-guys", they seem pure evil.

I liked that you didn't do that.

Brenton starts out as the horrid step-father, and later on, he progresses to the evil villain instead of just starting out as the villain.

To me, it seemed as though Brenton is more in the wrong here, but only because of the statements you made like "She'd admired him and he'd hated her". These statements make me curious about why while making me feel pity for Leah at the same time. If it weren't for these sentences, I would pass them both off for picking at one another. The only difference between the two would be that Brenton is a violent drunk.

So overall, I'd say yes, Brenton does seem complex and real. The only thing you might consider adding in would be subtle suggestions that there's a reason behind his hatred. Perhaps in the bit with "...and he'd hated her", you could add in simple sentences like "She'd never known why". :)

3. Punctuation, word choice, spelling: Well, let me assure you, everyone is worried about these three things. No one's perfect! :) Suggestions on this front... Well, I think people have mostly handled these in the in-line comments.

The only thing I wanted to point out here too is to watch out for punctuation and capitalization around dialogue tags. If you're using a tag after the dialogue, the dialogue should end in a comma and not a full stop. (I think I spotted periods in a few places.)

Other points:

- One thing I didn't really get is how Leah didn't think of the fact that she may be sent to the other side of the wall when she was setting the school on fire. I mean, she's thought of getting away from Brenton, surely she's thought of being forced away too? She points out that he's "drunk and a lunatic" so no one would listen to him, so clearly she's thought about the law before, but she doesn't think about how laws will affect her own actions. Seemed a bit odd.

- Throughout the conversation, I kind of felt as though you were following a pattern in formatting. You'd have a dialogue by one character followed by a tag, then an action from the other character followed by a dialogue. You'd switch them up every once in a while and leave the dialogue alone without a tag/action. But for the most part, the sequence of action/dialogue/tag seemed kind of repetitive.

Since you've only got 2 characters here, I think you have room to stray from this. Take pauses in between the conversation to describe the setting properly, or perhaps even Brenton himself. You described his smile quite often, so try talking about his other features. Maybe add in something about his "clenching fists". You could even have breaks by using Leah's thoughts since she's the POV character. Take your time--the entire conversation doesn't need to be in one stretch. :)

- As much as I loved your descriptions, there were a few parts which seemed a bit too flowery for this chapter, or just confusing. (Sorry.) I won't bother since this has been talked about in the in-line comments, but I thought I should point this out.

Overall though, I loved this chapter! The dynamic between Leah and Brenton is extremely interesting to read about, and the whole wall/set-the-school-on-fire/super-speed thing is really intriguing! Great job! I hope you survived this week without too many battle scars ;)

In-line:

Like what @BillRuesch said, movement is just the act of moving, so while it could cause a noise, it doesn't depict a noise, so "of movement" sounds a bit odd. Perhaps you could try splitting this into two, maybe something like: "A creak sounded on her left. Something was moving." (Note that I said "her left" and not "the left" since this is in Leah's POV and "left" won't universally be the same. :))

I agree with all the other comments, this was a nice way to introduce Brenton! The last line in particular stood out to me :) (Though it'd have to be "through" and "his scowling face" may fit better.) Though it seemed a bit odd that she got startled when he spoke even after she took note of a noise..

Unless his eyes are naturally squinty (I'm assuming he's only squinting right now since he's drunk), I think you should use "squinted" here. Also, I think you can cut out "the", it sort of makes his irises impersonal, if you know what I mean :)

"You've pushed it too far this time." - Comma after "this time" :)

"I'm glad" comes off as a bit vague here. It could mean that she's glad about the fire, it could mean she's glad she heard about it, or (less likely) it could mean she's glad that he heard about it.

"She'd admired him and he'd hated her, it was as simple as that... -> "It'd" means "it had", but you're talking about "now". I think it should just be "it" over here.

'She rubbed her forehead, massaging the annoyance out of her scalp.' -> Maybe just end the sentence at 'out' - will fix forehead not scalp problem brought up by kermorgan65

"I am drunk," Brenton continued. "Because I heard someone set the school on fire." -> Agreed with @Andicook, his dialogue would be said as one sentence.

"People have been scowling at Alice and I everytime..." -> If you're gonna make it "me", you may as well swap the order and make it "me and Alice". Plus he's drunk, so it's moe likely that he says this.

"Blood flooded to Leah's eye's..." -> I agree with @confabler's suggestion, but blood can't seethe. So maybe say "boiled" instead?

➤ Network with this winner: infinitysbeyond

➤ 1st runner up: raphoenix23

➤ 2nd runner up: PackerBacker2

➤ Final Author's Note: Hi everyone!

Wow. What a crazy week! I'd just like to thank everyone who commented on my story. Every single review I read was thoughtful and helpful, and I really appriciate them all. It was ridiculously hard to pick three winners! Infinitysbeyond's comment won because it was just a complete all-rounder, with advice on characterisation, setting, punctuation and word choice, as well as outlining areas that she liked. PackerBacker2 offered some great advice on how make Brenton less cliche, and raphoenix23 pointed out some flaws in Leah's reasoning and actions in amongst an insightful review (I must say, I was very impressed considering you were being spotlighted also). Anyway, thanks once again to everybody. All of your reviews were wonderful! :)   

Author #2: Claudia_Witter

Book Title: The All Mads - The Complete First Season

Spotlight Chapter: Rewritten Victor Meets Hugo Scene (the last chapter in the book)

Summary: Phenomena are humans infected with paranormal diseases, and rumor detectives are the police-like force that keeps them in line. Eighteen-year-old Victor Bennett has been a rumor detective since he was twelve. Due to his own abusive childhood, Victor can't ever seem to leave behind an abused victim. When he finds an injured witch in an alleyway, she's no exception.

Author's Note: Question 1 - The injured witch, Hugo, is autistic and acts very childish. Since this is where she's first introduced, I've had a little trouble portraying it right. Do you have any suggestions on how to improve it?

Question 2 - I've struggled with description in this chapter-some of it I feel just doesn't flow right. Are there any parts that seem off and, if so, do you have any suggestions on how to improve them?

Any help with sentence structure, grammar, and such, is also welcome.

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Paranormal/Urban-Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

▼ Check back to see the winners:

➤ Winning Comment: Congratulations on the Watty Award and the spotlight! Both are huge achievements, and this story--and your writing, totally deserve it:). (Also, beautiful new cover, by the way!) We'll just start off with the comment topic, which asks how the chapter makes us feel. While we're reading, we're going to go through and pull chunks out of your story that we react to. We'll explain why the paragraphs make us feel the way they do and the type of mood they give off. Let's get started:) Oh, and while we're doing this we'll also answer your second question and third question and then do an overall review (because, naturally, we never do any questions in order :)):

>First paragraph and second paragraph: These paragraphs are beautifully written. We love, particularly, 'Clouds' hazy prison,' as it adds to make us feel cold. These first two paragraphs put us in the city of Prague and all of the feelings are there. Swell job with this paragraph! The only thing we'd suggest is that in the sentence: "Maybe I shouldn't have come tonight, he thought, tugging his scarf upwards, so that it covered his mouth," that you take out the comma before 'upwards', so add to the flow of that sentence and overall paragraph there. Also, in the first paragraph, maybe "city (of) Prague" ?

>"His food collided with a Coke can...(to)...and dripped into her wide, terrified eyes." Again, (and we'll mention this later on, too), we think that the ability to use strong, powerful verbs and adjectives varies directly with description. Here, we see this: "Collided," "gash," "terrified." All of these provided a great description for us and visually put us in the place. We suggest taking out the word "wide" in "Wide, terrified eyes," however, because the term terrified implies as such. As for our reaction, we feel this sudden change in events, from a walk to seeing the person whom we suspect is Hugo, and just the sudden shift in nerves from Victor. Her gash entices us.

>"Oh, God. Are you okay?"...(to)...

I promise I won't hurt you." Here we think you have great amounts of description. As for the feelings, we can't help but feel reminiscent because we remembering reading the very first chapter of The All Mads, where Victor murdered his parents and put their blood in his drink or something like that. We remember him being so angry, so hurt. And here he is, all grown up and he's learned and he's developed. This softness, this promise not to hurt Hugo, is a development that's done really well. You said, "He had learned from Sebastian," which also states that he's learned a lot from the first time we read your first chapter. We admire this, and through these few paragraphs the mood you've put us in is reminiscent.

>"He flinched as he looked her over again"...(to)..."How you get hurt?" (got hurt)-- Again, the description is done quite well here, but we suggest you say somewhere in this chunk of paragraphs that you mention, "Seeing her up close, he could she really was hurt," or something along those lines. We think that that the "glass shards protruding from skin" is really important to mention twice, but since you do use it twice (in this chunk of paragraph and when Victor first spots her), you don't want the writing to seem repetitive, so clarifying that when Victor sees her up close he notices the details of her might really clarify this. How we felt whilst reading this chunk? Still reminiscent. Very soft, very soothing, and a bit cold considering the swirl of snow in the air.

>"The White Man go me..." (to) "...'The girl's enigmatic words." With this chunk here, we suggest varying your sentence structure up a little bit because it feels only slightly repetitive:

"She smelled like a witch and spoke English(,) so he assumed she was a Phenomena tourist."

"After a moment(,) the girl slid her arms into the sleeves of his jacket and shook her head."

"She mumbled(,) sitting still as Victor wrapped the scarf around her neck."

They were only these three sentences that felt like they had the same sort of sentence structure, so we suggest you change some--or only one--up a bit. We put parenthesis around the comma to ensure that the sentence started with an introductory and then went into a second part. Here, you could change one of the sentences to, "The girl slid her arms into the sleeves of her jacket and shook her head after a moment," or maybe even "she smelled like a witch and spoke English--she must've been a Phenomena tourist." (These are all totally just suggestions that you don't have to take if you don't want to of course! :))!

Other than that, our reaction?: Based off her actions towards Hugo and her dialogue, we don't think she could hurt him and we, as readers, have already established a connection. We like her!

>"Only made Victor feel certain that she"...(to)..."maybe his pretty arms could make up for his not nice face." THE GENTLENESS AND THE CHANGE WE SEE from that first chapter to this current one, and he's so--and just--ahhh! We love Victor! This softness, this openness, it's very well done. We see a lot of personality here and what you're talking about in your Author's Note, where he won't leave behind a victim. The sentence used, "he wanted to find them and personally beat them senseless" is a great representation of this.

>"Um, thanks,"...(to)..."making his way to the alley's exit." Here, with the very last paragraph in this chunk where she's getting on his back, we agree with @FayLane and @KillYourDarlings7 in that it seems a bit strange that she's so willing to touch him when someone else beat her, but maybe Victor's kindness makes up for it? He could say, again, "Come on, I promise I won't hurt you," to really clear up this point and strengthen the trust that Hugo has for him. Also, would Victor offer to pull the glass out of her skin? Just a thought :). Our reaction for this part: We're really loving the way that the plot is going, and the way that Vi

ctor's carrying her seems very kind. We love the way that their dialogue has been so far; it's very realistic considering her autism, and maybe Victor has better control of his MPD disorder? (We also remember this from the first chapter we'd read). That is to say, we're quite excited to read on! →

>"After a mere several minutes of walking"...(to)..."He was freezing and felt close to collapsing." So here, we loved the way you handled the description. Using literary devices such as constantly describing the cold is a great way to tighten up the feeling-aspects of the description. You've done a fantastic job of doing that! One of the sentence structural things we have here is that rather than saying: "Mia could use a dimensional door to take them to a hospital, Victor thought, breathing a white cloud of relief," you take this sentence and switch it around a bit. The "Victor thought" feels a bit unneeded to us, so maybe you could try instead, "Mia could use a dimensional door to take them to a hospital. At the prospect of this, Victor breathed a white cloud of relief." Or "Victor breathed a white cloud of relief when he realized that Mia could use a dimensional door to take them to a hospital."

>"He didn't want to get into a taxi and"...(to)..."though the girl's body heat kept him somewhat warm." VICTOR BENNETT HAS AN IPHONE okay sorry but that little boy we'd read about has grown up so much and we're so glad that he's not in jail and so glad that he isn't with his awful mother and father (they were so abusive) and now he's all well-taken care of and---well, that was our reaction! :). But really, we're glad to see that he's being taken care of, as this chunk of your story states. For description, we think you did well but could use more around the sentence "He was shivering uncontrollably, though the girl's body heat kept him somewhat warm." Although we know it's not meant this way, 'shivering' and that last phrase of the sentence seem a little

contradictory, a little oxymoron-ish. We suggest that you state which part of Victor she was keeping warm by maybe saying, "Though the girl's body sent heat over his back and atop the slopes of his shoulders," or something to that effect. Other than that, well done on description here. :)

>"Can you--can you come get us"...(to)..."the three stepped out into a hospital parking lot." There wasn't a lot that we clumped together in this one, and as for how we felt whilst reading this part, we felt the magicalness of The Home Door and all such beautiful, ominous things, but we mainly wanted to focus on this paragraph. (The one that starts with: Victor snapped a picture of the alleyway). Again, we're seeing a lot of the same sentence structure here that we mentioned in an earlier comment. We suggest variation here so that the sentences don't seem so repetitive. Maybe something along the lines of? : "The ancient cherrywood scraped against cobblestone and brushed aside piles of snow as it materialized. Mia stepped through this doorway in her dark boots that looked black against the snow." We're really excited to see where your plot takes us:) →

>"Victor recognized the hospital"...(to)..."she leaned forward and bit him." At that last sentence Alison burst out, "She bit him?" which shows you just the reaction the four of us were thinking about :). It was surely a surprise!

>"Gazing into the bathroom mirror"...(to)..."Please refrain from touching my hats, Mr. Reynolds." So this is rather a large chunk that we've taken out here but the majority was pretty funny and Sebastian's teasing of Victor just makes us laugh sometimes. Other than that, we don't have much to say other than great description and dialogue here. :)

>From the above to the end--Hilarious ending :).

So overall, we think you did great with your description. We'd like to see more of it visually, however, like where the lights and shadows are in the midst of the alleyway. Is there a shadow over top of the girl's face? Where's the glass embedded over top her body? Things like this will make the setting and characters look more vibrant in the reader's mind, but we think you did quite well with describing everything that Victor was feeling, and especially the relationship between Victor and Caroline. Well done there.

You also did a great, great job with Hugo's autism. We liked that you didn't state right out "Victor thought she must've had autism" but rather, as @FayLane suggests, clued the readers into thinking this. We caught it as soon as we met her, and right through the chapter you've been consistent with it. Great job with this!

And for the overall comment topic, most of this chapter felt so reminiscent to us, almost, because we remembering Victor when he killed his parents very brutally. He didn't have a say in the world with them, and here he does. That change just makes us so happy because he's found a place with Mia as her adoptive son and although it was cold outside in the story this chapter just made us feel so warrrrrrm and remembering. This warmth also comes from Victor's care for Hugo, and what a beautiful care it is.

Thank you so much for reading through this review. We hope you found it helpful, and again, awesome job on the chapter here! We can't wait to read more from you in the future! (And yes, Funimation Studios is so awesome, as is @TorissaNikole and her beautiful, beautiful artwork!)

--Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, and Clary

➤ Network with this winner: PassengersOfWind

➤ 1st runner up: JohnAAJoseph

➤ 2nd runner up: raphoenix23

➤ Final Author's Note: I had a really hard time picking a winner this time. But in the end I chose PassengersOfWind because I loved that they let me know what they thought of my MC now compared to how he was in the beginning of the story—it was something I'd been wondering for a while. They also helped with grammar and sentence structure.

I'd also like to thankPackerBacker2 for showing me a helpful article about autism and JohnAAJoseph for giving me some helpful tips on how to better portray my character's condition and for telling me how some things in the story came off in a way entirely different than I'd intended. (X

I'd also like to thank TimothyMarsh for his help with the pacing of the chapter and both him and henry_scott for recommending The Curious Incident of the Dog In the Nighttime, which has helped a lot.

And finally, thanks to everyone that left all those helpful inline comments!

Author #3: raphoenix23

Book Title: Pretty Reckless

Spotlight Chapter: - 11 - (scroll down to " Review Starting Point")

Summary: Both Mara and Julie are candidates to become captain in the coming year, but as the more agreeable, Julie is inclined to win. Mara believes herself more qualified and deserving. So a month ago she asked Brandon-a fellow cheerleader-to drop Julie during one of their practices. That way, the captaincy would go to Mara by default. Brandon has done favors for her before, but nothing as serious as harming another person. He told her he'd think about it, but neither has mentioned the request since. It's a month later and Julie just slipped in practice.

Caprice is the main character (victim) and Tyson is Julie's ex (the embodiment of wrath).

Author's Note: I'm already too overwhelmed and anxious by this what this week has in store for me. The NBR team has fostered and incredible community, and there is no doubt in my mind that I've encountered some of the best writers on Wattpad here. Special thanks to mamoritai for inviting me to be a part of it.

Now to my questions:

1. Mara has been called a grotesque character (someone who invokes both empathy and disgust). Of the seven deadly sins, she embodies envy. Is it necessary to explicitly state that at the beginning of the chapter, or is her narration telling enough?

2. Pretty Reckless is a genre mash-up of mystery meets teen fiction. The story hinges on the possibility of seven seemingly regular teens being capable of murder. How well or poorly is this translated through Mara-one of the more calculating and unremorseful characters?

3. The story is told through multiple first person POVs. So far, I've had no complaints. People even seem to like it, saying that they enjoy the way each character has their own voice. Based on research, it's an unpopular approach. Do you think the story will benefit more from being told in third person, and why?

I'm open to any other advice regarding grammar, pace, etc.

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Mystery/Teen Fiction

Rating: M (swearing, sexually suggestive content)

▼ Check back to see the winners:

➤ Winning Comment: #NBR - Overall and questions (1/2)

Hey Sam!

I finally finished my in-line comments! I'm sorry it took so long and I hope you'll find some of them useful. I took my time making them, trying to be as clear and thorough as possible for two reasons:

1) I don't know how not to do so (people refusing in-line comments are a nightmare for me)

2) your chapter surprised me on many levels.

Yes, it surprised me. Agreeably. And trust me, it was no easy bet.

When I read your summary and your questions, my eyes roll so far inside my skull that I lost my lenses. Cheerleaders? Bickering over captain position? Teen-fiction? MULTIPLE FIRST PERSON PoV ???

I almost renounced to even read your chapter and hesitated so much that, in the end, it will probably be the only one I would read this week (you'll see directly with the other two spotlighted author to make amend. No, it's NOT on me!).

When I decided to read it after all, I was ready to shred you (in the most polite way possible). But then I met Mara!

Ahhhh Mara. So much sarcasm, confidence, carelessness and twisted thoughts in one person... Just my type of character. And she's naughty too? Even better!

Whatever comment I made in-line, just know that I did it to sincerely help you make this chapter even better. You made me laugh my evil laugh and talked to my dark side. It almost made up for the teen-fic part of what I read. It wasn't, thank you for that, cliché or boring, because Mara's thought are the perfect cliché-breakers. Well done!

I think that this love letter to Mara has answered the comment topic.

I don't find Mara grotesque. Who dared call her that? She embodies envy perfectly and I think the narration is clear but subtle enough to work well. DO NOT explicitly state it at the beginning (or anywhere else), it would ruin everything.

Your second question is harder to answer based only on Mara. I can't compare her to the other six and I don't read cheerleader-based teen fiction (or any other king of teen fiction for what maters) to have an opinion. Regarding mystery however, regarding how Mara is led to plot all this and will have to face the consequences, I have nothing to say except that it's well done.

For third question, I'll be short and blunt (firstly because I'm exhausted right now and secondly because I can get angry and carried away on the subject).

I do like Mara's voice and, even if I'm not fond (at all) of first person, you took me in. But I hate multiple first person PoV. It simply doesn't work in my opinion. One of the main reason is that, to make sure readers will know whose PoV it is in a chapter, you have to write it down at the beginning of the chapter. YOU, as the author, you basically slap the info in your reader's face instead of letting narration do its work. It's too easy, lazy even! (like stating where the action takes place by the way, and all other info the author is dumping like rock on the readers). And after reading your text, I think it's a pity, because you're better than that.

So yes, I do believe that third person is a better choice than multiple first person. Always!

I'm now going to take my pills to calm down, call the men in white blouses and go back to my cell.

See you around!

Sam (too)

➤ Network with this winner: SamSchloesing

➤ 1st runner up: ChayAvalerias

➤ 2nd runner up: passengersofwind

➤ Final Author's Note: Hi guys! Man, this week was definitely intense. I'm incredibly grateful to be a part of this community and for having the opportunity to receive feedback of this magnitude. Thank you, Sam Schloesing, for all your awesome inline comments. They really went a long way in making the chapter better. Chay, all your technical writing tips were very helpful. I'll definitely be using them on much larger scale later on. Rachel, Alison, Clary and Steph... you guys gave me some great pointers on sensory details to make my scenes more vivid. Special thanks to LLMontez, redtoadmedia and Andicook.

To everyone, you guys are amazing. I received so much great advice this week. Thanks again,

~ Sam

Directions:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 6 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing? Refer to new scoring system in the Additional Q&A page for more info.

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.

Remember: To include something positive!