Oooh! look! It's a star! Someone PRESS it!

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST): 2/3 - 2/12

✔︎  Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Comment Tip: Remember to use a kind tone when reviewing another's work. Your comments might come off as offensive to some or rub them the wrong way, so let's try to avoid that by being careful with our choice of words!

Comment Topic: Comment on the author's use of imagery to paint the scenes in our heads.

📕 📗 📖 📘📙

Author #1: ThatGreyGirl [November Prompt Challenge Winner]

Book Title: D.A.W.N.

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter: 2. When Understanding Dawns Upon

Summary: The protagonist Ava Lockhart is a nineteen year old, undergraduate Business student. But, she had to leave her course mid-way when she heard about her parents' death. She's returned from Australia, heartbroken, to take over her family's apparel company, D.A.W.N.: The Clothing Empire. In first chapter, she tries to convince a group of French expatriates to sell their clothes in New York, though it doesn't end well because of the ridiculous discount they demand on the manufactured garments. For reasons unknown to the readers, The Clothing Empire has a tainted reputation in the Big Apple. Edward Lockhart (also mentioned) is Ava's brother and the President of the company while Ava is the Vice President. Chloe Starr (present in first and second chapter) is Ava's secretary.

Author's Note: Finally, it's time for me to express my exhilaration on getting spotlighted. This would be an mindblowing week for me, undoubtedly. I'd take this moment to thank the entire NBR team for establishing and running this community. Also, the wonderful, wonderful people for taking out their precious time and helping me make this draft ten folds better. Here's a virtual cookie for you all (everyone loves cookies, I guess?).

Cutting short to my questions (you are free to comment on ANY TWO):

1) Business isn't something I am acquainted with on a personal level. Thus, writing this story is challenging for me. And, although I've done thorough research and the amazing, Sally Mason, has also helped me understand the concepts, you can never be too sure. Is there something awkward that irks you? Just to be clear, The Clothing Empire is a privately held company, so there is no Board Of Directors that could have refrained Ava from joining due to her lack of knowledge and experience.

2) My story follows the British/Australian style of punctuation (single quotes for dialogues and double quotes for sentences inside dialogues), but the story is set in America, so I want to know if that's a bit weird or not. I honestly don't remember why I did it. To make the theme all Australian (s-t-u-p-i-d!)? Are there any other grammatical errors and/or poor writing style that you spotted? (especially when I introduced three new characters back-to-back. How can I make it better?) Because this is the first draft of my first ever novel, I'd appreciate any polite criticism.

3) This might be easy: I know ChickLit isn't the genre that is usually spotlighted in your community but still, I would like to know if you were interested in Ava enough for this story to hold your interest? I want to know the usual things: whether shes relatable or not, if her personality hooked you in, things like that. 

That's it, people! Have a fun weekend/week ahead.

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: ChickLit

Rating: PG-13

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: Hello, . Congrats on your writing prompt win! Due to work constraints, this is my first round back in a few weeks.

Okay, I read your first chapter yesterday to get the feel for your writing style. I liked it. However, I would have split the chapter in two, starting the new chapter with the meeting. I understand if you left it as one coherent section because of contests, though.

Anything I comment is only a suggestion for improvement. I'm not cutting you down, just trying to help. You are welcome to ignore anything you disagree with.

COMMENT TOPIC:

You have used quite a few literary devices to help tell the story. From common sayings, such as "dream big" and "gut feeling," to hyperbole, such as "loathe with all my heart," your writing is rich with expressions that pull the reader into the emotion of the chapter. I also found "a storm brewing inside me," which contrasts with typical LA weather—we hardly ever get storms. Even rarer are thunderstorms. This imagery makes me think something unusual is about to happen.

You describe the Lockhart Mansion with a "creamy outer surface shining against the scintillating city lights." In contrast to the previous chapter in the conference room, the creamy surface indicates purity and even warmth, while the scintillating city lights indicates excitement, beauty, and excellence. Who would not be drawn into this scene with descriptions like that? Good job, and great word choice!

Also, with the creamy outer surface, I have in my mind one of the Spanish Revival style homes with white stucco and terracotta tiles. The stucco does reflect the sunset warmth quite well. How inviting.

Oooh, I really like this bit of visual imagery. "The more we keep pricking at our wounds, the more they are going to bleed." (In America, we would say "picking" not "pricking," though.)

QUESTION 1:

About business . . . I'm going to touch on Los Angeles. Since you're in Australia, I assume you've never been there. I grew up in the San Fernando Valley (part of the sprawling City of Los Angeles), and I am very familiar with the entire region. Also, I worked in business for many years, but not the clothing business.

Did you choose Los Angeles because of the sweatshops in the Garment District? Are you actually having the clothes manufactured in the US or overseas? If in the US, that could be a selling point for your clothing. It is very fashionable for the rich folk to buy only clothes made in the USA instead of overseas or in Mexico.

Since I read Chapter 1, I'm going to comment on the bargaining process. He wouldn't be bargaining for the price he would sell the clothes at but at what you would sell them to him for. He would set his own price based on the profit he wants to make. That's why you can find the same item at Wal-mart cheaper than the exact same item at Macy's. (Usually hard goods, not clothing, though.)

As for going clubbing with her secretary, that's not unusual in business. I have known many of my bosses personally, eaten dinner at their houses, enjoyed entertainments together, etc. If she has no other friends in her life because she is always at work, this would be a natural response--and it's nobody else's business who she hangs out with.

Now, if this develops into a romantic relationship, there are some issues that can come up in business, especially if the relationship goes bad. Chloe could file a sexual harassment lawsuit, which would only be the starting point of their troubles.

I think it would be better to limit confusion with locale and nationality of your characters by just switching to American style punctuation and spelling.

Since Edward is American, he would use the word "vacation" not "holiday."

Also, instead of saying "to the court," he would say "to court."

I'll list grammar and phrasing improvements at the end of my comments.

I do like the way you start your chapters, by giving us a summary of what came before and hinting at what is coming next. Your narrative has an easy flow that is a pleasure to read.

QUESTION 3:

I was interested enough until the three bullies appeared in the story and the info dump. Those were red flags that the story needs some tweaking before I'll commit to reading more of the book.

As for Ava, I think you have developed her well, showing her insecurities. I think instead of so many internal thoughts, you could also use dialogue and actions to show these issues. Because she's insecure, what would she do differently from someone who wasn't? Would she stumble over her words with Mr. Moreau?

I thought the way that Edward comforted her as a big brother was right on, but not as the company leader. I think that could be tweaked a bit, giving us a cause for Ava's insecurity. She's expecting him to be upset. He doesn't have to be angry, but he doesn't have to be immediately forgiving. Let us see his struggles. Let him be thinking through whom else he could contact. Have Ava persuade him that she didn't mess up so badly, not have him just tell her she's fine.

She messed up. She's a novice. In business, that costs people money. Now and even later (as you said earlier in your chapter).Edward should be considering taking her out of these types of negotiations.

You left us hanging with the thing about going to court. You could give us a little more foreshadowing about why. Is Edward trying to take control of the company without Ava realizing it? Would he risk a big deal like this because of that? Probably not. He would have rescheduled the meeting with Moreau. So, is Edward in trouble with the law? If so, why didn't Ava know? In the LA Court System, it can take months to get a trial on the docket.

Edward would have gone through a hearing first. The hearing could take weeks to schedule. Ava would have known about it before it happened. He would have received a subpoena, probably. She would have overheard at least one phone conversation with a lawyer. Different things may have arrived in the mail or through courier.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I love, love, love your opening paragraph! Great way to hook the readers in.

With Mr Abelino Moreau's name, I'm thinking he's of Latino or Italian heritage with the first name and French heritage with the last name. I would choose one and stick with it. French would indicate he has connections to the French fashion business and would seem to have a lot of influence internationally—which would indicate why he would be such an important contact. Latino would indicate he is more connected to the production end of the business instead of the sales end.

Unless this is an LGBT book, most women don't dance with other women in America. I know in England, it's not an issue, but in America it sends a signal. If you are indicating that both Chloe and Ava are lesbians or bisexual, then keep it as the paragraph about dancing fits. If not, you might want to add some guys on that dance floor and only have Chloe and Ava talk over drinks.

As for covers, on Wattpad that's how your book is selected . . . sadly, not by your blurb or even by reading your prologue or first chapter . . . it's by the cover.

Your cover could be more enticing. I like masquerade masks, but it doesn't seem to fit. The grey background doesn't draw the eye in, either. And I'm not sure what the subtitle has to do with the book. Perhaps if you identified what D.A.W.N. stood for instead of a subtitle? I think you may draw more people in with a picture of Ava on the cover in one of the fashion company's trendy outfits, maybe with the spotlights glaring above on a fashion runway.

As for tagging . . . yeah, if you look at mine, you'll see a bunch of awards contest tags and hardly any subject tags, so I understand your dilemma. When you can finally start taking off your contest tags, I recommend adding in as many from the Chicklit trending tags as possible. As of 2/10/17, they are the following:

chick, girl, girls, newadult, lit

(I don't think highschool or college apply to your story, or I would say to add them in as well.)

When you got to the part with the three girls coming up to taunt Ava, it stepped into two arenas: high school bullies as well as an info dump. Adults don't usually come up and start a fight unless they're drunk. They definitely don't do it with celebrities. What generally happens is that the pushy fans would crowd into the celebrity's private space and ask for a selfie and an autograph. (I've seen this personally with a few celebrities.) If Ava is a celebrity with her name plastered all over the tabloids, she should have at least one bodyguard with her to push the unwanted stalkers and pushy fan memorabilia dealers away.

However, I don't understand how Ava could be a celebrity just because she has a clothing line and has some money. Lots of people do that in LA. They aren't plastered all over the tabloids. If her celebrity status is vital to the story, give her another reason for being a celebrity—maybe she had a one-hit-wonder when she was a teen in Australia and is now branching out into clothing or something.

I don't understand why these three ladies would approach Ava and tell Ava her own life story. I would come up with a way to weave this information throughout the first few chapters of your story instead of having this altercation with this group of ladies.

The ladies also seem to be two-dimensional stereotypes. People in LA aren't really like that, even the rich ones. Most are nice. Some have a few standards, like not grocery shopping from any place except Gelson's or Bristol Farms (high-end supermarkets), but most aren't rude like this. Most also wouldn't butt into someone's private life and hate on them like this. Perhaps if you developed the backstories of these ladies, you would have a clearer idea of the way they would act when meeting a celebrity.

Another thing hit me when I got to the club scene: drinking age is 21 in California. She would have had a problem getting into a club, even if it were a private party. You might want to up her age to 21 and have her have some issues with dropping out of college to run the family business or something. Otherwise, she'll have to bribe the bouncer at the door or have a fake ID (not likely, if she's a celebrity because they'll know how old she is).

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING SUGGESTIONS:

I appreciate how much work you have put into this story. I can tell that you have already edited the piece many times before. I found very few grammar corrections. The prose could be tightened up a bit, and some writing style issues need to be addressed.

However, I found a few things to be confusing. Below are line edit and copy edit suggestions to help you with the editing process. They are all suggestions, so please make your own decisions on whether to use or ignore them. I won't be offended.

While I'm not against adverbs altogether, most of your "ly" adverbs could go. Here's an article on removing adverbs to make your writing stronger as well as one that talks about keeping important adverbs: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/subverting-adverbs-and-cliches http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/dont-dismiss-adverbs

You have very few dialogue tags—thank you. You have done a good job incorporating action tags and eliminating dialogue tags when it is easy to identify the speaker. However, I recommend reading this article and considering changing your remaining dialogue tags to "said" or "asked" only as well as some other tips for writing dialogue: http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/rewriting-the-7-rules-of-dialogue (I was a firm believer in using different words for "said" until I read this article and a few like it.)

Here are some links for body language ideas: http://writerswrite.co.za/tag/Body%20Language http://writerswrite.co.za/cheat-sheets-translate-emotions-into-written-body-language

You might also benefit from my self-editing checklist. I have it on GoogleSheets. The link is on my profile. (Wattpad doesn't allow Google Drive links in comments.) Feel free to make a copy and use it for yourself.

This section is a bit dry, so it may seem strong in nature. I'm a former teacher, and I never attack the student. The editing pen is for the words, not the student. The goal is always to improve and edify, not cut down.

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

I will refer to paragraphs by the first three words. Example:

*Paragraph that begins "The bright afternoon":

-I will provide the sentence or portion as it was written, follow it with a >,

-and then how it should appear.

[Rules, if necessary will be typed within in brackets below the correction. I may also make comments in brackets]

Italics will be noted with underscores: _word_

__________

*Paragraph that begins "I have always":

-I have always despised these kinds of sayings, after all, what in the earth does it matter? >

-I have always despised these sayings. After all, what in the world [or on earth] does it matter?

[conciseness; breaking up a run-on]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "People will blindly":

-People will blindly go where their "gut feeling" takes them—for there isn't a rule to plan out your life. >

-People blindly go where their "gut feelings" take them, because there's no rule you have to plan out your life.

-Even if there was, nobody would know if it was written by God or Satan. >

-Even if there were, nobody would know if it were written by God or Satan.

[subjunctive mood required]

-They will, in that case again, do whatever the hell they want. >

-In that case, they will do whatever they want.

[Try to not interrupt the flow of your narrative. Put the phrases and clauses either at the beginning or end of the sentence. Limit your use of expletives for when they will make a major impact. The reader will tire of reading the swear words, and they will lose their importance when you have a legitimate reason to use them.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "However, it is the universal":

-However, it is the universal truth that your decisions affect you. >

-However, it is a universal truth that your decisions affect you.

-Sometimes, their outcome is visible immediately and other times, they show their nasty side, a little bit every now and then throughout your life. >

-Sometimes, their outcomes are visible immediately. However, other times, they reveal their nasty side a little bit at a time throughout your life.

[conciseness and number agreement with "decisions"]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Another thing that":

-Another thing that I loathe with all my heart is the contemplating I do over a choice already made. >

-Another thing that I loathe with all my heart is worrying about I choice I have already made.

[conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I knew it was necessary":

-I knew it was necessary for our company to get this deal signed. >

-I knew it was necessary to sign this deal.

[conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "As I sit in my car":

-As I sit in my car, while heading toward my home, all I hear amid the cheery voice of Chloe and Maury—my driver, are Mr Abelino's words and, all I can see is the image of dark and sleek structure of The Clothing Empire standing tall like a forbidden and rare, magnificent piece of diamond. >

-Sitting in my car while heading home, all I hear amid the cheery voices of my secretary Chloe and my driver Maury are Mr Moreau's words. All I can see is the image of the dark, sleek structure of The Clothing Empire standing tall like a rare, magnificent diamond.

[His name is Abelino Moreau, right? conciseness; removing run-on]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Yes, diamond it is":

-It has that eerie, dark feeling to it like it can swallow you whole and you wouldn't even know. >

-It has an eerie, dark feeling to it. It could swallow you whole without you realizing it.

[conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "We're back":

-'We're back,' Chloe muttered, pulling me out of my disturbing reverie. >

-'We're back,' Chloe muttered, pulling me out of my disturbed reverie.

[word choice]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I followed her out":

[While I like the way you describe the mansion, I originally thought you weren't at home. Perhaps you could add a few sentences indicating this is her house and that she hadn't lived her long.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Come on in":

-'Come on in,' Chloe tugged at my arm, 'You look weary.' >

-'Come on in.' Chloe tugged at my arm. 'You look exhausted.'

[Action tags are full sentences, requiring periods, not commas like dialogue tags. If Chloe is an American, she wouldn't use "weary."]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Ava":

-The tears of my guilt couldn't resist coming out. >

-My tears of guilt escaped, streaming down my face.

[word choice; conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I am so sorry, Edward":

-'I am so sorry, Edward. >

-'I'm so sorry, Edward.

[Use contractions. It's more natural in dialogue.]

-it is my fault >

-it's my fault

-we have lost one very important deal >

-we've lost the deal

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I walked him":

-I walked behind him, wiping away my tears. >

-I stumbled behind him, wiping away my tears.

[or pick another stronger verb instead of "walked"]

-Excusing herself awkwardly, Chloe paced towards my room to deposit the files. >

-Excusing herself with awkwardness, Chloe deposited the files in my office.

[Remove extraneous -ly adverbs. Ava would have an office on the ground floor in a mansion that size. Also, the secretary would not be given access to the private living quarters of the mansion.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I am sorry, Edward":

-'I am sorry, Edward.' >

-'I'm sorry, Edward.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I glanced at Edward":

-I glanced at Edward. He wore a soft, nearly empathetic expression on his face. >

-When I glanced at Edward, his soft, empathetic expression mocked me.

[conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I snuffled":

-I have ruined...everything.' >

-I've ruined...everything.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Hey, it was difficult":

-'Hey, it was difficult, not impossible.' >

-'Hey, it's difficult, not impossible.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I am sorry":

-'I am sorry.' >

-'I'm sorry.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Edward tucked on":

-Edward tucked on my arm and plopped on the couch, beckoning me to sit beside him. >

- Edward tugged on my arm and plopped on the couch, beckoning me to sit beside him.

[wrong word]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Edward trailed off":

-Edward trailed off and I completed the dreadful sentence for him. >

-Edward trailed off as I completed the dreadful sentence for him.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I glided my hand":

-'It is just...I think I feel a bit overwhelmed' >

-'It's just...I'm a bit overwhelmed.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I let out a weary smile":

-Edward hesitantly moved his head in affirmation. >

-with hesitation, Edward nodded.

[removing the -ly adverb and conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "But, you do know":

-'But, you do know how bad it was for me to receive a text from you saying you wouldn't be attending the meeting, right? >

[Rewrite this wordy sentence. Instead of using "how bad," speak about how it made her feel with more descriptive words.]

-I watched him with an accusative expression. >

-I glared at him with accusation.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "You were":

-He slightly relaxed back on the couch. >

-He relaxed back on the couch.

["Slightly" does not make a difference in what you are really saying—that his change in body posture indicates he thinks she's overreacting and that he has stopped listening.]

-'You were ready and you handled it quite well. >

-'You were ready, and you handled it quite well.

[need a comma before coordinating conjunctions that join two independent clauses]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I waved a dismissive hand":

-I waved a dismissive hand, bitterly chuckling. >

-I waved a dismissive hand, chuckling in bitterness.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "He exhaled":

-Then, after a long torturing silence >

-Then, after a long, torturing silence

[need a comma between those two modifiers]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Nevertheless, before Edward":

-Nevertheless, before Edward could respond, I heard another voice addressing me. >

-Nevertheless, before Edward could respond, I heard another voice. [conciseness; we find out on the next line the other voice is addressing her, so "addressing me" is unnecessary]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I turned my face":

-Chloe was standing there, >

-Chloe stood there,

[avoid the was +ing combination when possible]

-Though she couldn't change her formal dress in our house, obviously, she now had her bun removed, and it did the thing. >

-After removing her bun, she appeared much more relaxed, even though she still wore her formal dress.

[Is the formal dress an evening gown? If not, just call it a dress. Actually, though, I think it would be more appropriate to have her in a business suit. Also, she could have changed in the restroom if she had a different dress in her bag. I do it all the time in restaurants and even gas stations as I travel before I arrive at my business appointments.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Her blonde hair":

-Her blonde hair was swaying down her shoulder, partially hiding the straps of a silvery-white sling bag. >

-Her blonde hair swayed down her shoulder, obscuring the straps of a silvery-white sling bag.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Slowly, she made":

-Slowly she made her way into the middle of the room, her eyes scanning my face. >

-With her eyes scanning my face, she slinked to the center of the room.

-'Well, my friend Clarissa is celebrating her birthday today, she has thrown a huge ass party.' >

-'Well, my friend Clarissa is celebrating her birthday today. She's throwing a huge-ass party.'

[I'm not so sure I would ever swear in front of my boss. You might want to rephrase that line.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I was wondering":

-she let out a small smile and her eyes rested on Edward, for some odd reason.

-She let out a small smile as her eyes rested on Edward, for some odd reason.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Edward intoned, immediately":

-Edward intoned, immediately. 'Yeah, Chloe is right.>

-Without hesitation, Edward said, 'Yeah, Chloe's right.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "But, I ain't invited":

-But, I ain't invited.>

-But, I'm not invited.

["Ain't" is out of place in her vocabulary, unless she is entirely uneducated. This grammar choice would reveal her as the lowest of the lowest class in LA.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I glanced at Edward":

-I glanced at Edward for the last time before leaving and he gave me a thumbs up. >

-when I glanced at Edward for the last time before leaving, he gave me a thumbs up.

[subordination is always stronger than a compound sentence]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "She had frankness":

-She had frankness and happy-go-lucky attitude running in her veins. >

-She had frankness and a happy-go-lucky attitude running in her veins.

-I was still trying to cope up with the fact that my parents were dead and I knew nothing particular about my elder brother, just the faint memories I had of him of our childhood. >

-I was still trying to cope with my parents' deaths, and I knew nothing in particular about my elder brother, just faint memories from our childhood.

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Now when I see Chloe":

-it occurs to me >

-it occurred to me

[the rest of the chapter is in past tense, but this line was in present tense]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Maybe the first step":

-Maybe the first step towards our friendship would have been agreeing to dance with her and her friends after they introduced themselves a little while ago. >

-Maybe I should have agreed to dance with her and her friends when they introduced themselves earlier.

[conciseness]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "In the sparkling light":

-suddenly invaded my nostrils. >

-accosted my nostrils.

[BTW, I love how this implies that the 3 girls who accost her smell this way. Classic.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I looked up":

-I looked up and saw three girls wearing sequin dresses, staring down at me. >

-When I looked up, three girls wearing sequined dresses stared down at me.

[If she's on a bar stool, they are probably eye-to-eye. If not, indicate she's at a small table.]

-A condescending smile was plastered on each of their faces. >

-A condescending smiled plastered each of their faces.

[avoid passive voice]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Wow! She actually":

-in her sultry accent and the other two >

-in her sultry accent as the other two

_____

*Paragraph that begins "We aren't here":

-sat down beside me, her friends neared me, bobbing their glistening bags. >

-sat down beside me. As I edged away, her friends neared me, bobbing their glistening bags.

-over a decade now and the Lockhart family >

-over a decade now, and the Lockhart family

[I'd split this paragraph up with some action tags and also breaking it into two paragraphs. I would have Ava react when the girl casually mentions her parents' deaths.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Since then":

-in the limelight, first >

-in the limelight. First

-with your everyday blunders.' >

-with your every-day blunders.'

_____

*Paragraph that begins "I slammed":

-I slammed my hand on the table and the people nearby turned their heads towards us. >

-I slammed my hand on the table, causing the nearby people to turn their heads. >

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Oh, love ":

-'Oh, love,'>

-'Oh, Ava,'

[In LA, we don't call people "love" unless that person is our s.o. Remove it any other place it appears.]

-'You are only nineteen, you shouldn't have been trapped in the business drama.' >

-'You are only nineteen. You shouldn't have been trapped in business.' >

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Of course, she doesn't":

-'Of course, she doesn't even know how to behave like one powerful businesswoman.' >

-'Of course, she doesn't even know how to behave like a businesswoman.'

Reply

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Of course, you've been":

-'I've heard you stayed with your maternal aunt in Australia since you were six.'

-'I heard you stayed with your aunt in Australia since you were a little kid.'

[most people won't know which aunt or since what age. Also, this whole area is the awkward info dump.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "First of all":

-who was dancing far away from us and her expression soured. >

-who was dancing far from us. The speaker's expression soured.

[I couldn't tell if Chloe's expression of Grey Eyes soured. Also, I would find a way to get your three mean girls names revealed early in the conversation. It would make it easier to identify them.]

_____

*Paragraph that begins "Livie pressed her hand":

-and if needed, a wee bit of arrogance.' >

-and, if needed, a tiny bit of arrogance.'

[Unless they are affecting a British accent, Americans would use "tiny." Also needed a comma before your interrupting phrase.]

_____

Great job so far! Good luck with the editing process. :-)

➤ Network with this winner: SapphireAlena

➤ 1st runner up: AhsokaJackson

➤ 2nd runner up: AmberAndChay

➤ Final Author's Note: Wait, did I really just answered all the NBR comments by myself or am I some sort of superhuman now? Because, if anything's more frightening and exciting than getting selected for spotlight is choosing the winner (and this is just not because of the overwhelming number of comments) it is because I HAVE NEVER SEEN SO MANY AMAZING PEOPLE IN ONE PLACE (yep, the caps lock was definitely needed).

Cutting short to why I chose SapphireAlena as winner: She was very detailed about everything my story is revolving around. And I mean, everything: From my cover to tags to how people behave in Los Angeles to grammar to characterisation...literally everything. I can't imagine what effort she must have put into that (18*2000 words, I'm guessing) long critique because I am not sure if I can do that. Not at this point of my writing experience, at least.

It was so unbelievingly hard choosing the winner from these two amazing ladies (Winner and the Runner Up) because darn, are they good at their work *rises and gives an applause* (I might have tossed a coin for all you know, kidding...sort of).

I chose AmberAndChay as the second Runner Up because they gave me some solid general ideas to keep in mind while revising and it was pretty fun to read it (also because they're amazing, duh).

Other members whom I couldn't include but appreciate all the same are: redtoadmedia, LLMontez, AmericanBruja, mamoritai, PassengersofWind and Andicook(not particularly in that order). But, I am so grateful to each and everyone who took out their precious time, read my chapter and commented because being a gal with no real time to spare--I know what every second of the day means (and, almost each of you raised unique issue I hadn't thought of but I can't include them all because that would mean writing down all two dozen names...really, how many members does NBR have?)

Last but not the least (I used this phrase all the time at my school), I thank the NBR board members who are literally the most fabulous people from all over the world, with them this community shines brighter than any diamond I've seen. Have an amazing week ahead! 😊

📕 📗 📖 📘📙

Author #2: redtoadmedia

Book Title: Sorrowfish

Spotlight Chapter: A Suitor Song

Summary: Dane lives in a world where magic is musical and making instruments is regulated by a religious order called the Conclave. He secretly moonlights building and bootlegging incredible lutes. He's currently working on a new order from his country workshop for a customer he hasn't met, named Shand, but has to run to town for supples. If caught building lutes, Dane will be imprisoned and "purified" by the Conclave. This scene begins at the local Inn, with a traveling Bard performing with a gnome named Jax, who is the guardian (the deema) of the Inn's owner, Bell. A human with a gnomic guardian is called a deemae. While gnomes are created from the Song and therefore normally quite musical, Jax is a singular gnome.

Author's Note: 1. Does the beginning of the scene work? I want to know if you laughed while reading, and any suggestions for different words and rhymes with askew that is fairly comical mock threatening would help. I'm having fits over that one couplet.

2. What's your impression of the stranger Dane chats with? Did you catch the dynamics of that interaction? too subtle? did you realize he was creepy? It's actually okay if not. I want Dane to have been completely natural with him while you the reader are going...hey....he's asking too many questions. So did that work or do I need to kick it up a notch?

3. Describe Jax to me. For example, how tall is he, and what is he wearing in your mind?

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: High Fantasy        

Rating: G

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: #NBR 1

Hello, redtoadmedia. Congrats on being in the spotlight! This is my first round back in a few weeks, due to work constraints. I've enjoyed reading the first nine chapters of your book, and I look forward to finishing it. It has captured my attention. The book is addicting! I'm finally done with this week's rounds, so after I post and eat dinner, I'm heading back to your book.

COMMENT TOPIC:

As I'm reading the story, I'm having a hard time concentrating on the topic question, because I keep getting drawn into the story. Good job! I think I'm going to read the chapter for pleasure first and then come back. Bye.

Okay, I'm back. Time to answer the questions. (But I really just want to read the next chapter.)

As for imagery that sets the scene, most of this took place in the previous chapter when Dane arrived at the inn. In the current chapter, we are given indications of the smaller details:

How the bard's lute appears. Since it gleams and is detailed in black, we know it is beautiful. Adding "standard" indicates that all lutes are usually beautiful.

As for the layout of the inn, from both chapters we know that there are rooms upstairs and if a door is open, it indicates the room is available to rent. There is a bar with stools. There is also a door that leads out back to an alley and the stables.

In this chapter, we find that there is a make-shift stage for the bard to perform upon. There are also tables and chairs.

As for the locations of these items, my mind filled in the groundplan automatically. I put the bar directly in front of the inn's double doors with a door behind the bar leading to the kitchen. I think there are stairs near the double doors that lead to the rooms above the bar and the kitchen. The area to the left of the bar extends to the second story and holds the stage in the rear and the tables toward the door. I believe Jax sits to the left of the bar in the corner between the bar and the stage. I could be so wrong, though.

As for other imagery, I liked "like flower petals tossed by the wind," as it evoked the whimsical nature of the folk dances.

By the time we get to Mod's house, we see excellent imagery in the description of her cozy kitchen. Particularly enticing are these sentences: "Intricate silken lace doilies cushioned gleaming pottery. Copper pots gleamed, hanging from hooks that dangled from the ceiling. The smell of beeswax and lavender mingled." The paragraph continues with the kettle whistling on a hearth. The imagery contacts all of the senses: touch, smell, sight, hearing, and even taste. (I think I'll go make myself another cup of tea.)

Ooh, some more good imagery here: "Dane cupped his hands around the tea cup, letting the warmth flow into his fingers before raising it to his lips. The steam curled upward, and he breathed in the scent." (I really need to go put the kettle on.)

It continues throughout the scene: "Mod clucked to herself, settling into her chair and picking up her teacup. Her grey eyes looked out at him, sharp and quizzical."

QUESTION 1:

As for chuckling, I laughed a lot more in the previous chapter when Bell confronted Dane. If you were looking for humor from "the knowing looks," it might help to know what those looks implied. Maybe a few raucous yells from the drunks?

I thought that the tone in this chapter was ominous, knowing that the bard was a Conclave bard and probably out to do wrong to Dane. He seemed cautious, too.

I'm not much of a poet, but I did like your song. I felt the rhythm and could almost hear a melody building. I did hesitate on the "askew" line as I read it. Therefore, I think you're correct in needing a change. Here's my suggestion:

The young man went to hold her, until fate swung askew.

(I tried to keep the meter the same.)

#NBR 3

QUESTION 2:

When I first read through the chapter, I thought the bard was presented out of character. I thought he might actually be a diamond in the rough and actually end up being an ally.

If you were hoping for him to come off as a villain right away, I believe you need to step it up a notch. However, if he is trying to be undercover, you're fine. What could help is explaining a little bit about Dane's thoughts through this passage, so his reaction at the end doesn't take us by surprise. Let the reader know he's suspicious of the stranger. When Dane takes the ale and says, "Oh?" you could add in something more that indicates Dane's suspicions.

QUESTION 3:

I think Jax is a meter tall with a grey loose peasant shirt and red trousers tucked into black, knee-high boots. His head is topped with a blue cap that scrunches down backward. He has a white bushy beard and cherub cheeks that are flushed red. His green eyes sparkle as he teases and threatens.

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I have only seen the first two _Narnia_ movies and could never get into the books, but I do see a resemblance here. As I mentioned in earlier chapters, I definitely see influences from Lloyd Alexander's _The Chronicles of Prydain_. There is also a bit of influence from Tolkien's _The Hobbit_. I feel like your gnomes are a bit like Hobbits and Dwarfs with their different personalities and certain stubbornness but fierce loyalty.

I love how you have built your world and informed the reader of the different aspects of it without making it seem like an info dump. You also have developed your subplots well, without overwhelming the reader with them. They all tie together and lead to a greater conclusion of the main plot.

#NBR 4

GENERAL COMMENTS CONT.:

Shand and Dane have a lot of similarities, though. I may have been reading too quickly, because your storytelling kept me on the edge of my seat, but I think in the early chapters you could give more of a distinction between the two characters—maybe have their dialogue patterns be slightly different, with Dane using more rustic terms and Shand using more terms of the literate and aristocracy. It would be more natural for Dane to speak with some fragments and contractions. Right now, most of his dialogue seems too formal.

I love Bell. Her attitude reveals so much of her life: becoming tough to be the innkeeper after her parents died, interested (or in love) with Dane and hurt when he seems to ignore her by staying away, wanting a different life.

I'm not too sure about Sara yet or how she will work into this story. I am on the edge of my seat to read the next chapter, though.

Now, I mean this in the best ways possible, so please don't take offense. I'm nine chapters into the book, and I have no idea how the title relates to the book. Also, it is not a compelling title to draw a high fantasy reader in. Considering that your book has been compared to both _The Chronicles of Narnia_ and the _The Chronicles of Prydain_, perhaps retitling the book _The Chronicles of the Starbound_ would be more appropriate, or even just calling it _Starbound_. The book title should give a reader an idea of what the book is about—and that topic should appear within the first few chapters, or your readers may disappear.

BTW, the line "I once saw a minstrel have four strings break at once" was definitely in reference to our beloved, hyperbolic bard Fflewddur Fflam! He must have told a whopper of a lie for that to happen. (I'm very tempted to write a Prydain fanfic now.)

GENERAL COMMENTS CONT.:

As for covers, on Wattpad that's how your book is selected . . . sadly, not by your blurb or even by reading your prologue or first chapter . . . it's by the cover.

Your cover is a beautiful work of art. I have the feeling that you painted it yourself. I love it for the artwork that it is. I love the shading and texture within the Celtic knot and the detail on the eagle. The clouds and moon and stars are very stylistic—almost art nouveau in style, leading the viewer into the starry beyond.

However, when the Celtic knot with an eagle on it and artistic clouds is placed among the Fantasy Hot List covers, it tends to seem washed out among the saturated colors and metallic titles.

Below are the links to the top-10 stories as of 2/9/17.

Since your book is about these special musical instruments, perhaps have a cover maker take an image and manipulate it to look magical, adding it to a fantastical background. Or go without an primary image altogether and focus on titling alone.

Top-10 Books:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/63201688-the-fourth-protector

https://www.wattpad.com/story/6614803-the-fifth-element-being-reconstructed-due-to-plot

https://www.wattpad.com/story/67428553-inside-the-beast%27s-castle

https://www.wattpad.com/story/38095915-bride-of-alvar-redemption-1

https://www.wattpad.com/story/53888966-shadow-wolf-vol-i

https://www.wattpad.com/story/70952242-smoke-and-mirrors-royal-angels-i

https://www.wattpad.com/story/83058504-the-dragon-prince%27s-bride-book-1-in-the-dragon

https://www.wattpad.com/story/55982077-alleria-completed

https://www.wattpad.com/story/63467299-two-thousand-years-empire-saga-book-one

https://www.wattpad.com/story/78071160-bereft-demise-book-two

GENERAL COMMENTS CONT.:

I threw in #11 because it is a good example of a cover without a primary image that is based on titling, borders, and an artistic texture:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/51067091-white-stag-permafrost-1

You might want to check out the hot list and just look at the covers in the Top-20. When you get to the mid-teens, you will notice a vast difference between the compelling and dispelling covers.

Your blurb is great. It doesn't give away the whole story, but it gives enough information to draw the reader in. Great job. I think many writers could take lessons in blurb writing from you.

Tagging:

I would add the following trending tags: action, adventure, powers, bards

I'm not sure if your story has these, but use them if they do: angels, elves, princess, demons

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING SUGGESTIONS:

I appreciate how much work you have put into this story. I can tell that you have already edited the chapter many times before. I found very few grammar corrections I this one.

There are many errors in the preceding chapters, though. I would recommend sorting those out soon, as many readers will stop reading after finding a few grammatical errors in the early chapters.

Here are some links for body language ideas that might help in the description of your characters as they speak: http://writerswrite.co.za/tag/Body%20Language http://writerswrite.co.za/cheat-sheets-translate-emotions-into-written-body-language

Also, I recommend reading this article and considering changing most of your dialogue tags to "said" or "asked" only as well as some other tips for writing dialogue: http://www.writersdigest.com/online-editor/rewriting-the-7-rules-of-dialogue (I was a firm believer in using different words for "said" until I read this article and a few like it.)

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

You might also benefit from my self-editing checklist. I have it on GoogleSheets. The link is on my profile. (Wattpad doesn't allow Google Drive links in comments.) Feel free to make a copy and use it for yourself.

Many of your paragraphs are large blocks of text. On Wattpad, the rule of thumb is 80 words or fewer per paragraph. This primarily has to do with how the text appears on the mobile app, since 85% of Wattpad readers are using the mobile app exclusively. Readers have a tendency to skim or skip over large blocks of text on that platform. I will indicate where paragraph breaks would make the best sense.

Below are line edit and copy edit suggestions to help you with the editing process on this chapter. Some of your phrasing could be improved to tighten up the flow. They are all suggestions, so please make your own decisions on whether to use or ignore them. I won't be offended.

This section is a bit dry, so it may seem strong in nature. I'm a former teacher, and I never attack the student. The editing pen is for the words, not the student. The goal is always to improve and edify, not cut down.

I will refer to paragraphs by the first three words. Example:

*Paragraph that begins "The bright afternoon":

-I will provide the sentence or portion as it was written, follow it with a >,

-and then how it should appear.

[Rules, if necessary will be typed within in brackets below the correction. I may also make comments in brackets]

Italics will be noted with underscores: _word_

=Break the paragraph before "these words in the text"

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "The crowd had":

-More than a few of the locals looked back at Bell with knowing looks and suppressed smiles before turning to give their attention to the singer and the gnome, who stood a bit behind the man. >

-More than a few locals glanced back with knowing looks and suppressed smiles at Bell. As the singer plucked a few strings and turned a few pegs to tune his instrument, the locals returned their attention to the bard and the gnome, who stood a bit behind the man.

[tighten up prose and add more detail to what's going on]

=Break the paragraph at "More than a few."

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The lute gleamed":

-The rosette inlay was one of the Conclave designs, and Dane knew the songs that would be played were approved melodies. >

-Dan recognized the rosette inlay as one of the Conclave designs, indicating that the bard would play only approved melodies.

[remove passive voice; choose stronger verbs]

-But then all bards loved stories. >

-But then, all bards loved stories.

[Use a comma after introductory words, phrases, and clauses.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The man waited":

-The man waited till the crowd had stilled then he began to tap a beat against the soundboard of the lute, letting the sound fill the room in a steady driving rhythm that served initially as sole accompaniment to his verse. >

-The man waited until the crowd stilled before he tapped a beat against the soundboard of the lute, filling the room with a steady, driving rhythm that served as sole accompaniment to his verse.

["Till" is a cash register; "'til" or "until" are prepositions; tighten up the phrasing—avoid "began to" or "started to"; comma between multiple sequential modifiers]

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

-Dane blinked as he recognized the Suitor song. >

-Dane blinked as he recognized The Suitor Song.

[If "the" and "song" are part of the title of the song, then they need to be capitalized. If the song is entitled "The Suitor" or "Suitor" only, then leave it as it is.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Dane smiled broadly":

-Dane smiled broadly as the bard winked at him, and began to play the traditional folk melody and sing the round, gesturing for Jax and the crowd to begin the next verse. >

-Dane's smile stretched across his face as the bard winked at him. As the bard strummed the first notes of the traditional folk melody and sang the round, he gestured for Jax and the crowd to begin the next verse.

[Break the paragraph into two sentences; avoid "-ly" adverbs; use strong verbs and nouns]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Jax stepped forward":

-Jax stepped forward, producing his own small lute, breathing deeply and belting out the next verse. >

-Jax stepped forward, producing his own small lute. He breathed deeply before belting out the next verse.

[Good use of "belting." ;-) Breaking up the paragraph into two sentences to aid in clarity.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Jax roared the":

-A few dogs under some of the tables began to whine, as if in pain. >

-A few dogs under the tables whined as if in pain.

[avoid the weak "began to" construction; tightening the prose]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The crowd had joined":

-The crowd had joined in to sing now, and they softened the sound of the cacophonous gnome. >

-When the crowd joined in to sing, they softened the cacophonous gnome.

[subordination is always stronger than a compound sentence; tightening the prose; you may be able to find a better expression than "joined in to sing"]

#NBR 10

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "The human musician":

-The human musician visibly winced as Jax struck a particularly loud, horrible chord at the same time that his voice fell perfectly flat, jarring.

-The human musician winced as Jax struck a particularly loud, dissonant chord at the same time that his voice fell flat.

[avoid "-ly" words, and "visibly" did not chance the quality of the sentence by being omitted; conciseness]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Now the bard":

-Bell flushed furiously but laughed with the rest as the song ended and cires of "Sing, Dane! Sing!" filled the room. >

-Bell flushed with fury but laughed with the rest as the song ended and cires of "Sing, Dane! Sing!" filled the room. >

[removed "-ly" adverb]

-Dane shook his head even as Lile came up behind him grabbing him under his arm and dragging him forward to the makeshift stage area.>

-Dane shook his head as Lile came up behind him, grabbing him under his arm and dragging him forward to the stage.>

["even" is a dead word that weighed the sentence down; we already know that the stage is make-shift, so it is simpler just to stay "stage" so as not to disrupt the flow]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "So I can":

-He wasn't much of a singer, himself, but given the lurking desperation in the bard's eyes, Dane decided to take pity on him. >

-Although not a great singer, the pleading desperation in the bard's eyes persuaded Dane to take pity on him.

[subordinating the sentence; using stronger verbs; "lurking" did not convey the correct thought]

#NBR 11

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

-It was traditional after the Suitor song for a young man to sing, then dancing would be done by all. >

-Tradition dictated that after the Suitor song a young man must sing, followed by a country jig by all.

[more specific type of dance [you could use "Morris dance" or something of that nature, too; stronger verbs]

-He really did want another kiss.>

-He really wanted another kiss.

["really" and "did" become overkill on the emphatic tone; "really" works here, so I'm not taking it out.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The bard played":

-The bard played a full set of dances after Dane's song was done. >

-After Dane finished the last note, the bard played a full set of dances.

-Tables were pushed back, and the townsfolk whirled across the floor like flower petals tossed by the wind. >

-When the patrons had pushed back the tables, the townsfolk whirled across the floor like flower petals tossed by the wind.

=Break paragraph before "Dane and Bell danced"

__________

*Paragraph that begins "I think he":

-"I think he already has," Dane leaned in, a conspirator. >

-"I think he already has." Dane leaned in like a conspirator.

["A conspirator" on the end didn't work by itself. The action tag required a period in the sentence before it.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Never, Bell admitted":

-"These bards and minstrels travel for hundreds of miles from the Conclave to come and meet the famed gnomes of Heyegrove and sing with them or hear their stories. >

-"Bards and minstrels travel hundreds of miles to meet the famed gnomes of Heyegrove to sing with them or to hear their stories. >

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

-I love the looks on their faces when they meet Jax. Seeing them try to get away, and how they handle it. >

-I love the looks on their faces when they meet Jax—seeing them try to get away. >

[Also, add in an action tag at the end of this sentence to start a new paragraph here and break up her long dialogue. She could break out with a loud laugh or thump the table.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "There's always broken strings":

-"There's always broken strings," Dane said, >

-"There's always broken strings," Dane said. >

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The ale arrived":

-The ale arrived, and Dorric muttered thanks and drank a long pull before replying. >

-The ale arrived, and Dorric muttered thanks, drinking a long pull before replying.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "A sudden crash":

-A sudden crash came from the kitchen, and Bell stood, excusing herself to head toward the source. >

-When a sudden crash came from the kitchen, Bell excused herself and head toward the source.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Dorric nodded,":

-Dorric nodded, "Shand >

-Dorric nodded. "Shand

-He sent you this," Dane felt >

-He sent you this." Dane felt

=Break paragraph before "Dane felt."

-under the table, "and I'm to wait for his package and bring it back with me south when I return." >

-under the table.

[new paragraph]

"I'm to wait for his package and return south with it."

[Also, I would italicize "starlight," not bold it. Bolding is reserved for headings and subheadings in books.]

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "Dane felt the pouch":

-Dane felt the pouch under the table.

[Delete this sentence. He just felt it a few lines before with no indication that he removed his hand.]

-"While I enjoy gold as much as the next man, and am the only craftsman meeting your description, I'm afraid there is some confusion." >

-"While I enjoy gold as much as the next man and am the only craftsman meeting your description, I'm afraid you must be confused."

["there is" is a weak combination]

=Break paragraph before "He shook his head in apology."

-It was ordered by Lord Tabor Demtri a month ago, >

-Lord Tabor Demtri ordered it a month ago,

[removing passive voice]

=Break paragraph again before "Dane smiled easily"

-Dane smiled easily, gesturing to the common room. >

-Dane smiled with ease, gesturing to the common room.

-"Perhaps your friend has confused me with someone else.>

-"Perhaps your friend confused me with someone else.

=Break paragraph again before "His curiosity was plain"

-If you're traveling at night you might need candles or one of his oil lamps. >

-If you're traveling at night, you'll need candles or one of his oil lamps.

-He is the cooper. >

-He's the cooper.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Dane emptied his mug":

-Dane emptied his mug and waved it until the barmaid saw and nodded to him, then he shrugged lightly.>

-Dane titled his head back and drained his mug. Then he waved it until the barmaid acknowledge him. He shrugged with aloofness.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The bard moved":

-The bard moved through the crowd and toward the stairs, retiring. >

-The bard weaved through the crowd toward the stairs to retire for the night.

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

-Dane followed him with eyes until he had gone to his room, then stood and went to find Jax. The gnome was behind the bar assisting Lile, and he smiled when he saw Dane.>

-Dane followed the bard with his eyes until the man had shut his door. Then Dane headed to Jax, who was behind the bar assisting Lile. The _deema_ smiled when he saw Dane.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Tell Bell I'll be back":

-I need to go visit the dockmaster."

-I need to visit the dockmaster."

["go" is unnecessary and clutters the dialogue]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Jax frowned at Dane":

-Jax frowned at Dane, then tapped the side of his nose and nodded.>

-Jax frowned at Dane before tapping his nose and nodding in agreement.

__________

[NOTE: I would put a scene break before "Dane strolled out the door"]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Dane strolled out the door":

=Break the paragraph before "He did not glance behind him"

-Taking the next right turn, he quickened his steps, then ducked into an alley that ran parallel to the main street.>

-Taking the next right turn, he quickened his steps. Then he ducked into an alley that ran parallel to the main street.

=Break the paragraph again before "He follow this for a few blocks"

=Break the paragraph again before "Before he got to the docks"

-A small old woman looked up at him with kind and a warm smile. >

-A small, old woman peered up at him with kind and a warm smile.

[need a comma between "small" and "old"]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "It's good to see you, Dane":

-It's good to see you, Dane, I was expecting you in the morning.">

-"It's good to see you, Dane. I was expecting you in the morning."

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "Likewise, Mod, and I'm sorry":

-This couldn't wait," Dane bent to kiss her cheek, "and I can't stay long. >

-This couldn't wait." Dane bent to kiss her cheek. "I can't stay long.

-I've got to ride back tonight; I think we are in trouble. >

-I've got to ride back tonight. We're in trouble.

[Standard publishing guideline is no ; in fiction. "We're in trouble" is much stronger by itself than adding "I think" to the front of it.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Mod nodded to herself":

-Mod nodded to herself then turned back into her small house, shuffling into her kitchen, which was cozy and warm. >

-Mod nodded before turning back into her small house and shuffling into her cozy kitchen.

-Intricate silken lace doilies cushioned gleaming pottery. >

-Intricate, silken, lace doilies cushioned shimmering pottery.

[you needed some commas in the multiple modifiers; I thought changing "gleaming" would provide more variety, as "gleamed" is in the next sentence]

=Break the paragraph before "A large kettle"

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Thank you":

-My client will be in danger." >

-My client is in danger."

[stronger and adds to the danger to make it present tense instead of future]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The wizened face":

-The wizened face peered at Dane briefly, then focused on the kettle as she poured, >

-The wizened face peered at Dane for a brief moment before focusing on the kettle as she poured.

[Need a period after an action tag; subordination is stronger; I love "wizened face"]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Dane shook his head":

-"Almost, I knew I would be cutting it close." >

-"Almost. I knew I would be cutting it close."

[the period works better here; don't be afraid to use fragments in speech]

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "Dane described the man":

-Dane described the man, sketching with his hands, >

-Dane described the man, sketching with his hands.

-A bard and he claimed to know Shand.>

-A bard. He claimed to know Shand.

["A bard and he" sounds like you are talking about two different people.]

=Break the paragraph before "Dane cupped his hands"

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Mod clucked":

[In the preceding paragraph "tea cup" is two words, but here it is one word "teacup." Both are correct. Just be consistent :-) ]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The woman pursed her lips":

-I canna remember anyone trying to intercept them.

[There is nothing wrong with this. I love the dialectical "canna." However, it might be better if you wrote more of her speech in the dialect so one word doesn't stick out so strongly.]

-We thought we had a close call seven years ago, when you were just a boy, but the lute made it to its owner. >

-We thought we had a close call seven years ago, but the lute made it to its owner.

["When you were just a boy" is redundant.]

=Break the paragraph before "The person who was following" and add an action tag to start the paragraph, maybe picking up a biscuit or something.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Do you think":

[I like the pacing that reveals his nervousness. All those questions spur on the chapter.]

-Dane thought >

-Dane thought.

[missing a period]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Mod shook her head":

-Shand is well-known and well-respected, not fully bound to the Conclave like most, but independently trained in Pelegor. >

-Shand is well-known and well-respected. Independently trained in Pelegor, he is not bound to the Conclave like most bards.

-He was genuinely sent to us.">

-He was sent to us in truth.

[try to get rid of the "-ly" adverbs]

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.:

*Paragraph that begins "Never mind the girl":

-You slip away. " >

-You slip away."

[remove the space between the . and the "

___________

Great job, once again! I love this story, and I can't wait to finish it. I will probably read The Chronicles of Prydain once again, too. Thanks for reminding me of such great books.

➤ Network with this winner: SapphireElena

➤ 1st runner up: TimothyMarsh  for his insight on the beginning of the chapter. (No, it didn't work and he told me why.) He also explained to me how I had confused him in other ways, and what I could do to fix it. "I feel like you're concerned about keeping your writing interesting, so have chosen to refer to the same people in different ways." He had several other comments that were of immediate practical help. He really packed a punch in his review!

➤ 2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson who worked through an extremely exacting review and gave me a lot of practical feedback as well. 

➤ Final Author's Note: Whew, well I just went back through each and every comment and made a spreadsheet of them, it took me four hours. I truly appreciate all the time and effort that you collectively took with this, especially those of you who don't usually read fantasy. I hope you enjoyed the chapter. Sorrowfish is a very large story. I haven't been concerned too much about commas yet, as I'm just trying to get the full first draft out of my head and into a form that I can edit. All grammar corrections therefore were especially helpful.

I'll answer two questions that came up consistently. The title of the story refers to the last chapter of the entire work –which is turning into a trilogy despite my best efforts – and there are five people who know what it means. The cover itself features the World Tree, which is somewhat like Yggdrasil from Norse mythology and then the character in the Tree is a gryphon.

SapphireElena gets first place for her in depth analysis and look at the entire work in context, from cover to blurb to commas, along with full references for me to use and refer to. What an amazing amount of work this must have been. She blew me away. 

📕 📗 📖 📘📙

Author #3: ShaunEyles

Book Title: Make Your Own Zombie

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter 3

Summary: Deane is trying to sort out her life. She's failing dental school, still living with her eccentric parents, driving a temperamental car her parents bought her, and has just read an article about her strange ex-neighbor who's made a fortune running a company that makes Occult merchandise. The latest game is called Make Your Own Zombie. Up to this point Deane doesn't give the game much thought, thinking it to be nothing but a game for bored teenagers.

Prior to this chapter we learn a lot about her family. Deane's father is retired and spends almost all of his free time playing the role of neighborhood hall monitor, and her mother is a terrible cook and takes the occasional swig of gin to deal with any fallout caused by her husband's antics.

Author's Note: Thank you for selecting my story for this Spotlight round. It's both exciting and daunting, and I can't wait to see what suggestions arise. While this is called a contest, I think of it more as a community. This is what writing should be about. Sharing ideas and helping each other.

1. I'd like to know what you think about the all characters (supporting, main, etc.) Especially Deane. I know she's a little larger than life is some ways, but I've deliberately written her this way. Do you think being larger than life is distracting, or do you think it works?

2. I'm writing a zombie novel that is not a traditional zombie novel. It's a humor novel, and there isn't bloodshed. Does this chapter make you want to read on, or do you think even a humorous zombie novel needs a little blood?

3. I'm interested in if you think the story flow works. I've worked hard on story flow in this novel, and tried to build each scene up with visuals, dialogue, and the observations of the main character. Is the story flow snappy enough, and if you think not then what do you think would help?

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Humor

Rating: PG

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment:  Hello, ShaunEyles. Congrats on being in the spotlight! This is my first round back in a few weeks, due to work constraints. I've laughed out loud just reading chapters 1 and 2. I'm sure the rest of the book will be loaded with belly laughs. Your dry sense of humor reminds me of my British cousin David's, almost exactly. I also have found reminiscences to _Keeping Up Appearances_ (one of my favorite shows) throughout the first few chapters.

Just to let you know, this review turned out longer than I originally anticipated. Please don't take any of it the wrong way. I believe in this story and think it has a lot of promise. I committed myself to this review to help you get it there. All the comments are intended in a spirit of help not denigration.

COMMENT TOPIC:

I find your imagery to be more of incidences than actual setting. Your choice of words indicates the catalyst for Deane's emotions. "This particular morning my alarm failed to screech at me." We not only find out that the alarm failed to go off, causing panic—because who doesn't panic when that happens—but also "screech" indicates the general attitude toward the alarm. You use the word "screeches" earlier, too. Because of this strong verb, I'm not even sure you need to ramble on about her biological clock being nocturnal. It might tighten up the introduction if you deleted that part.

In the next few paragraphs, we learn that Deane's bedroom is on the second story and that dad is reading a paper at the table. I assume it is a kitchen table, but it could by the dining room table. You have allowed the reader to set up the floorplan in their head. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. There will be a very narrow line to walk on description not becoming an info dump, but maybe in chapter 2 you could describe the housing on the street. Is Trish's house the "Munster Mansion" in the middle of identical tract housing? If so, what is the standard and what is the difference? If they're all the same, what do they all look like?

At least I know that she has a bedspread and a wardrobe close enough to fall into. If this story is set in the States, she would have fallen into a closet, not a wardrobe. If it's typical tract housing building in the 1950s, 1960s, 1970s, or 1980s, the doors would be sliding. If it were built before 1950 or after 1990, the doors would be on hinges. After 1990, the door would probably lead to a walk-in closet. If it's an old farmhouse, it would be a hinged door, and the closet would be tiny and overflowing. Back in the 1800s, people didn't have a lot of clothes like we do today.

COMMENT QUESTION CONT.:

As she gets into her car, you use not visual imagery, but auditory imagery to describe the feeling: "The motor spluttered . . . dropped to a faint death whisper . . . It wasn't quite a purr." All of these terms evoke a richness in auditory senses.

I particularly enjoyed the imagery in this sentence: "She once told me that I had the drilling technique of an old and blind Albanian fisherman."

Another excellent use of imagery is displayed in this sentence: "The rust bucket spluttered and chugged like Great Uncle Ned and his two cigarette packet a day habit."

The last bit of imagery was in talking about her handshaking as she removed her keys. That definitely showed her thumping heart after the scare.

As for setting the scene so that I can envision it, I don't think any of the imagery actually did that. However, I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing in a book of this nature. I don't think knowing what color the bedspread is or if the kitchen table is white melamine actually makes any difference in the telling of the story. I am so caught up in the flow and the narrative, that I don't really want additional description cluttering up the story.

What you could give some indication is how wealthy they are. Are they in a 2-up/2-down house, a small townhouse, an upper-middle class house? The fact that dad bought her a Corvette clunker can indicate many things: he always dreamed of owning a Corvette himself, he's stingy with his money, or they don't have a lot of money to start with—or all three. Of course, dental school costs big money, so they could be scrimping and saving to pay the bills.

I chuckled at your irony. First, Deane is upset about a racist comment about an Albanian fisherman, but then she calls the professor a gargoyle. A bit of a two-face, isn't she?

QUESTION 1:

As a theatrical director, I have directed my fair share of melodrama and comedies. The characters are always larger-than-life in these enterprises. They wouldn't be able to draw the laughs if they weren't.

Your comedy is about an unusual girl from an unusual, dysfunctional family, in an unusual, creepy situation. If Deane were not larger-than-life, then the circumstances would be unbalanced. She would be lost in the story underneath the circumstances.

So, yes, she needs to be larger-than-life. Yes, we need to see her as the primary focus of the story as she works her way through the unusual characters and situations.

If you made her into an average character who didn't react much to what was going on and had few or no opinions on anything, you would have a very boring character and a very boring book.

I really don't know enough about Trish yet to make any sort of judgment. In my mind, I see the character Winona Ryder played in Beetle Juice or Wednesday Addams from the Addams Family.

I love her mom and dad. While they may be an hyperbole of real people, I think any 30+ person could find identifying traits in them that resemble traits in loved ones. Maybe it's just the generation. I don't know.

Dad reminds me of a cross between Onslo and Emmett from _Keeping Up Appearances_, maybe with a bit of the looniness of the Hyacinth's Daddy. I also see the eccentricity of Agnes (the nosy neighbor) from _Bewitched_ and Barney Fife (the bumbling deputy sheriff) from _The Andy Griffith Show_. I think that all of those have formed a great character that I laugh out loud at.

QUESTION 1 CONT.:

I think her mom could use a bit more developing besides being a bad cook. Perhaps have her think everything is perfect and no one has ever told her that her cooking is noxious.

I've seen her nag and also pamper. You've given us one motivation for the nagging—she's afraid of being embarrassed in front of the neighbors. That is a good motivation for her family not telling her how bad her cooking is.

Other than motherly instinct, give us a reason she pampers. Think about how Hyacinth is blind to Sheridan's money-grubbing ways and living off his parents' income indefinitely, even when he should have been self-sustaining.

QUESTION 2:

Yes, I want to read on, just to find out how much more I'll laugh at your humor.

Do I want to read on because of the plot? Not really. I think your inciting incident is lacking in pull. You need to develop the tension with the hand and her reaction to it.

I think part of the problem is your logo is very blah. I'm not sure how much the blah logo is necessary to your future plot, but if it took on a less-amateurish look but more dark Halloweenish design, it might just bring up the tension. Make the truck black with whisps of green smoke coming up from a cauldron and an evil witch hanging over it or something like that. Also, the logo would also appear on the back doors, as that is where most truck advertising appears.

Some semi-trailers in the States have a tiny door for venting and for the inspectors to look inside the trailer without having to open the double doors. Maybe have the vent door swinging from side-to-side and have a hand press up against the closed glass with moisture. Add blood if you want, but I think the hand alone would scare her. The little doors aren't much bigger than a hand. She might also think that Trish Inc. was a cover for transporting illegal immigrants from Latin America, as many are smuggled in container trucks. [BTW, in America, we put a period after "Inc."]

#NBR 6

QUESTION 2 CONT.:

I recommend changing the description about the mesh. Unless they're in a cattle trailer (in which you could make out the shapes of the cargo), the usual trailer in the US is rigid steel (sometimes aluminum), top-to-bottom. However, the vinyl-sided trailers you see frequently in the UK are becoming more common for certain cargo, like luxury cars.

Cattle semi-trailer: http://elitetrailers.com/livestock-trailers/semi/ls-straight-floor/

Standard semi-trailer with vent door on bottom left: http://blog.nexttruckonline.com/truck-news/manufacturer-news/great-dane-everest-tl-reefer/

I don't think adding blood at this point would actually help with the tension, though. Leave the blood for when you near your climax or maybe use spots of it here and there throughout the future chapters to lead the reader on. (And I mean literal spots, like a trail of it on the ground, not a severed body part.) Sometimes more is not better. Sometimes it's just more. In this situation, with the tone you've taken with your book, I believe less is more. I think teasing us would work so much better than overwhelming us with gore.

QUESTION 3:

Since I've read the first three chapters, I'd like to discuss story flow in relation to them as a whole. I think they work pretty well.

However, chapter 1 seems to be a true prologue. I know many people won't read prologues. I also realize that many publishers won't accept books with them. Whether you leave chapter 1 as chapter 1 or make it a prologue is up to you.

I think chapter 2 does its job of introducing mom, dad, and Trish. You could expand Trish's to include an actual dialogue with her, showing us her oddness instead of telling us about it. That would also give you opportunity to reveal the inner dialogue of Deane in reaction to Trish's antics. It might flow more realistically if we see actual snapshot scenes with the characters rather than just Deane's observations of them.

#NBR 7

QUESTION 3 CONT.:

As for chapter 3, I think the rambling could be cut back a bit. It tends to tell more than show—even more than the previous chapters do.

A few instances that could be translated into dialogue are the "give up dental school" or "absent-minded" bit. Her mom could nag her about being absent-minded, and then Deane could try to not say she's thinking about quitting, starting a fight between her mom and her because of the all the money they spent on it. They can go on and on about how she never lives up to her potential, nag her that she'll never finish anything or amount to anything, what a disappointment she is. Dad could even look up from his paper and get in on the action.

I also feel that the entire paragraph on dad's retirement and city council trip interrupts the flow of Deane's getting up. Unless she is thinking this while delaying getting out of bed (and, if so, say that), it would probably be better to move it to a different part of the story.

We have little bits of conflict throughout the chapter, but it doesn't seem to build in any direction. It's just there. I recommend analyzing the conflict levels throughout the chapter and build them to a false climax about her car. Maybe have her car die on the roadway as the truck passes by and she sees the hand, unable to follow it. We could also see her frustration as she tries to get the car to turn over. (Older cars have an issue with their thermostats not working and overheating the engine. You could use that as a reason for the car to stall.)

Again, the hand in the truck needs building. It doesn't seem to take us by surprise too much, especially since that part is the climax of the scene

#NBR 8

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I'm laughing again at your circular logic in the first paragraph. :-)

I like the foreshadowing about zombies in this line: "It'll be your head one of these days. :-)

As for paying for her own practice jaws, her tuition would have included it or the campus bookstore would have sold it to her as part of required supplies. If she damaged it so that she could no longer use it for assignments, she would have to purchase another, regardless of whether the first one was part of her tuition or not. I have a feeling those things run thousands of dollars.

To be in dental school, she would be forking out $100K US or more per year, just in tuition and associated fees. If she is in a small town, she is probably driving to the nearest big city, which could be more than an hour away, for school. Because she lives at home, she's saving $20K per year in room and board expenses. Most small towns don't even have stoplights, let alone trade schools, community colleges, or universities. Not all universities offer doctorates. Very few of those universities that do offer doctorates teach dentistry.

Here is a website for the University of Penn's Dental Medicine program. It lists their 4-year curriculum. This is a doctoral graduate program in medicine.

http://www.dental.upenn.edu/academic_programs_admissions/dmd_program/dmd_curriculum/first_year

University of Florida's dental medicine program:

http://dental.ufl.edu/education/dmd-program/

Concorde Career College dental hygienist trade school (campuses throughout the western and southern US):

http://www.concorde.edu/program/dental-hygiene

I think it would make a lot more sense for her to be training to be a dental hygienist and not a dentist.

#NBR 9

When she talks about being held back, that is a little tame. They don't hold you back—they drop you from the program if you don't keep up a certain GPA and pass your clinicals. There are different benchmarks for each year in medical school, whether dental or general medicine. Also, she would refer to the root canal procedure as endodontics.

The part about mom handing her money for lunch shows that she is very immature and not even working a job of her own. This is another indication she shouldn't be in dental school.

She lets her mother baby her. If that's not what you're going, have her work at the local fast-food restaurant for a few hours a couple of nights a week for spending money. (Typical fast-food restaurants in Mid-American small towns: Dairy Queen, KFC, McDonald's, Sonic) Then she could look in her wallet here, find she only has enough for one meal, and decide to buy lunch since liverwurst sandwiches always sit uneasily on her stomach during oral surgery class.

By the way, one of the first things to go on a GM car (Corvette's parent company) is the air conditioning. The fact that it still works is a miracle in itself.

You could also mention the funky smell old cars have. If she lives in the South, it smells of mildew from the humidity.

If she lives in the Midwest, it smells of dust, hay, and rust. If in the Midwest, the floorboards are probably rotting and may even have a hole or two from the ice on the roads in the winter.

The overhead upholstery is probably hanging down in pieces. There are probably large holes in her driver's seat, allowing the springs to pop through. She probably has a blanket over the seat to avoid being skewered.

#NBR 10

GENERAL COMMENTS CONT.:

The headlights probably don't shine very brightly anymore, as the lens are fogged. The door locks probably don't work anymore, and one of the side windows is permanently stuck open or closed. The window motors go within ten years on these vehicles, and they're a pain to repair—if you can find a working part in a junkyard. (Can you tell that I grew up with GM cars?)

I am dying laughing at the visual image of cows gathered around a crystal ball: "I hadn't heard of cows showing interest in the occult." You could paint a picture like the dogs playing poker, but instead have cows around a crystal ball, a Ouija board, checking their horoscope, having their hooves read, and doing Tarot cards. How about having their regurgitated cud read instead of tea leaves? lol

I know in your author's note on NBR you indicate you will be changing your cover. Please do. The current cover does not draw anyone in, and it may actually be chasing readers away.

Here are some suggestions: Since the first two chapters seem very much like "chicklit," go for a similar type of cover. Here are some of the better "chicklit" covers that are in the top-25 of the Humor Hot List.

https://www.wattpad.com/story/23861932-crazy-awkward-sweet

https://www.wattpad.com/story/94090522-treasure-hunting

https://www.wattpad.com/343062398-7-23am

https://www.wattpad.com/story/84141716-stuck-like-glue

https://www.wattpad.com/story/93300695-no-or-yes

https://www.wattpad.com/story/93777080-the-girl-that-changed-the-player

https://www.wattpad.com/story/61998134-the-pizza-girl

You can find a cover maker on the Multimedia Club Help Desk. Usually, the fees are a permanent follow and/or R&R their book.

As for tagging, you could add the following trending tags to your book:

jokes, comedy, weird, hilarious, laugh

You could also sub-genre it with the "chicklit" tag.

#NBR 11

GENERAL COMMENTS CONT.:

As for format, many of your paragraphs are quite long, especially in chapters 1 and 2. Due to the way Wattpad displays chapters on the mobile app, the shorter the chapter, the easier it is to hold the reader's attention.

With large blocks of text, the reader's eyes glaze over. Many will skim or even skip the entire paragraph. If there are many paragraphs like this in the chapter, the reader may stop reading your book altogether.

The rule of thumb is no more than 80 words in a Wattpad paragraph. I come from academia, writing a minimum of 9 sentences per paragraph, with word counts above 200 each. Not until I started reading a lot of books with long paragraphs for Wattpad book clubs did I understand what the large blocks of text were doing to me.

Once I broke my paragraphs down, I actually started retaining readers and getting content comments. Even a two-sentence paragraph is okay in Wattpad. A one-sentence paragraph can be used to emphasize a point on occasion.

I also found out that giving your chapters names helps your readers remember which chapter they are on. Sometimes Wattpad doesn't remember your bookmark, and sometimes I jump back to previous chapters to check a fact or two. The names do not have to be spoilers. With your warped mind, I'm sure you could have fun with us. [I love your warped mind, by the way.]

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING SUGGESTIONS:

I appreciate how much work you have put into this story. I can tell that you have already edited the piece many times before.

However, I found some grammar and phrasing corrections. Primarily, the comma after introductory phrases and clauses is omitted. Occasionally, the comma before a coordinating conjunction that joins two independent clauses has been omitted or one has been added that does not join two independent clauses. Many times, the verb tenses fluctuates from past to present to past.

#NBR 12

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

I also recommend using the exclamation mark only after one-word exclamations, not after entire sentences. In fact, most publishers will search for an exclamation mark. If they find one, they immediately toss your story.

While I'm not against adverbs altogether, most of your "ly" adverbs, as well as some "already" adverbs could go. Here's an article on removing adverbs to make your writing stronger as well as one that talks about keeping important adverbs: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/subverting-adverbs-and-cliches http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/there-are-no-rules/dont-dismiss-adverbs

You might also benefit from my self-editing checklist. I have it on GoogleSheets. The link is on my profile. (Wattpad doesn't allow Google Drive links in comments.) Feel free to make a copy and use it for yourself.

Also, in the paragraph that starts "Bounding out of bed," I believe the Wattpad copy/paste glitch has attacked you. Sometimes, it will remove spaces between particular words on the last paragraph you pasted in after you press PUBLISH. The words that need spaces are as follows: Dadseemed, voicesin, triedto, racedout, Momwaited.

Below are line edit and copy edit suggestions to help you with the editing process. They are all suggestions, so please make your own decisions on whether to use or ignore them. I won't be offended.

This section is a bit dry, so it may seem strong in nature. I'm a former teacher, and I never attack the student. The editing pen is for the words, not the student. The goal is always to improve and edify, not cut down.

#NBR 13

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

I will refer to paragraphs by the first few words. Example:

*Paragraph that begins "The bright afternoon":

-I will provide the sentence or portion as it was written, follow it with a >,

-and then how it should appear.

[Rules, if necessary will be typed within in brackets below the correction. I may also make comments in brackets]

Italics will be noted with underscores: _word_

=Break paragraph here "words that start new paragraph"

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Three days later":

-Three days later and I had forgotten all about stupid Trish and her stupid company that makes stupid things like stupid Tarot cards and stupid zombie games.>

-Three days later, I had forgotten all about stupid Trish and her stupid company that makes stupid things like stupid Tarot cards and stupid zombie games.

-Going around in circles is a type of progress.>

-Going around in circles was a type of progress.

[maintain past tense]

-Well, at least it isn't standing still.>

-Well, at least it wasn't standing still.

[past tense]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Mornings have never":

-Mornings have never been >

-Mornings had never been

[past tense]

-They clash terribly with my biological clock, which prefers going to bed late and rising when my eyes open of their own natural accord >

-They clashed with my biological clock, which preferred going to bed late and rising when my eyes opened of their own natural accord.

[Delete the rest of the paragraph, starting with "not when my alarm." It rambles.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "This particular morning":

-In the end I didn't need the alarm. >

-In the end, I didn't need the alarm.

__________

#NBR 14

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

*Paragraph that begins "Retirement, so he says":

-Retirement, so he says, means >

-Retirement, so he said, meant

[past tense]

-It's part of the city bi-laws or something. >

-It's part of the city bylaws or something.

[American spelling]

-I've been meaning to check that out, but haven't gotten around to it yet.>

-I had been meaning to check that out but hadn't gotten around to it yet.

[past tense]

-While I'm there, I'll check out what they have to say on fruit trees and report any statement, or lack thereof, back to Dad.>

-While I was there, I'd check out what they had to say about fruit trees and report to dad.

[past tense, tighten prose, lowercase Dad]

=Break paragraph before "He'd probably go down"

-He'd probably go down to the council and demand that they rewrite the laws if they didn't match his own special view of the world.>

-In all probability, he would have gone down to the council and demanded that they rewrite the laws if they hadn't match his own special view of the world.

[remove the "-ly" adverbs as much as possible; past tense]

-That would be something to see, but I doubt Mom would be impressed. >

-That would have been something see, but I doubted Mom would have been impressed.

[past tense]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Bounding out of bed":

-Bounding out of bed, I tripped on the corner of my bedspread and fell into my wardrobe. >

-Bounding out of bed, I tripped on the corner of my bedspread and fell into my closet.

[Americans have closets, not wardrobes, usually.]

-I'd left the door open from the night before and collapsed into the clothes that I'd hung in an ordered fashion. >

-Since I had left the door up last night, I collapsed into my hanging clothes.

=Break paragraph before "When I finally got"

=Break paragraph before "Dad seemed in the middle"

=Break paragraph before "With one foot in the car"

__________

#NBR 15

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

*Paragraph that begins "It'll be your head":

-she said and slipped me some cash with the books.>

-she said as she slipped me some cash with the books.

[subordination is always stronger than a compound sentence]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Yeah, thanks Mom":

-"Yeah, thanks Mom.">

-"Yeah, thanks, Mom."

[Need to set off "Mom" with a comma, because it is direct address.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "She'd only handed":

-She'd only handed me enough cash for lunch, so I'd still need to come home for dinner. Unless I turned up on the doorstep of a friend and begged for food. >

-She had only handed me enough cash for lunch, so I'd still need to come home for dinner—unless I turned up on the doorstep of a friend and begged for food.

[The contraction at the beginning is not a typical American use of contractions. Since the last clause was an afterthought, I think it works better with an em-dash.]

-Just think of the embarrassment it would cause Mom. >

-Just think of the embarrassment it would cause mom.

[In the States, we only capitalize "mom" and "dad" when we are speaking in direct address.]

#NBR 16

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

=Break the paragraph before "Walking to the car"

-Walking to the car, I tried to think of a way I could convince Dad to splurge on a pizza or Chinese takeaway, and when a plan hit me I couldn't hide my smile. >

-Walking to the car, I tried to think of a way I could convince dad to splurge on a pizza or Chinese take-out. When a plan hit me, I couldn't hide my smile.

[lowercase "dad" since not in direct address; we call it "take-out" in America, not "takeaway"; The last part does better as its own sentence.]

-If he sweetened the deal by saying it gave Mom a night off from all her hard work, by tonight we'd be eating something edible instead of wondering if that meal would be our last. >

-If he would sweeten the deal by saying it would give Mom a night off from all her hard work, we'd be eating something edible tonight instead of wondering if that meal would be our last.

[needed the subjunctive "would" construction here; tightened it up slightly]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "One turn of the key in the ignition":

-One turn of the key in the ignition and the rust bucket sucked my good mood right out of my body. >

- One turn of the key in the ignition sucked my good mood right out of my body.

[tightened up prose]

-I'd still be late, and on the very morning that we were beginning our root canal lessons.>

=Break the paragraph before "That had me worried."

-The teacher had it in for me. >

-The professor had it in for me. [or the doctor]

[In America, instructors are called "professors" or "doctors" in universities, never "teachers." There are also "graduate assistants." "Teacher" is a title reserved for primary and secondary education only.

#NBR 18

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

=Break paragraph before "It's usually the teachers who refer"

-They look at you over their horn framed reading glasses and say things like, 'One does not find it amusing when you draw a cartoon of one, does one?', or 'Is one going to spit out one's gum?'.>

-They looked at you over their horn-rimmed reading glasses and said things like, "One does not find it amusing when you draw a cartoon of one, does one?" or "Is one going to spit out one's gum?"

[Remove double ending punctuation. If you choose to keep the comma and loose the question mark, put the comma inside the quote mark. Past tense. In America, we use double quotes unless we are quoting something within the quote. Also, the last question, the professor is asking a question about the student not herself.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "How will you cope":

-she said back to me and stood directly at my shoulder.>

-she asked as she hovered over my shoulder.

[Remove the -ly adverb; tighten the prose; use stronger verbs]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "I'll be alright":

-I said and studied the practice jaw.>

-I said while I studied the practice jaw.

[subordination is stronger; I would research to find another term for "practice jaw"]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "If it could talk":

-If it could talk it would have screamed for mercy.>

-If it could have talked, it would have screamed for mercy.

[past tense and introductory clause comma]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "You'll be the death":

-she said and then walked away.>

-she said before walking away.

[subordination; why do I think this line is foreshadowing and that she will be one of the zombies?]

__________

#NBR 19

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

*Paragraph that begins "I thought teachers":

-I'm glad we didn't have to >

-I was glad we didn't have to

[past tense]

-I'd have to start selling my organs on the black market, and then start selling Mom's or Dad's organs, just to stay in the black.>

-I would have had to sell my organs on the black market—as well as mom's and dad's—just to stay in the black.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The rust bucket spluttered and chugged":

-The rust bucket spluttered and chugged like Great Uncle Ned and his two cigarette packet a day habit. >

-The rust bucket spluttered and chugged like Great Uncle Ned and his two-pack a day habit. >

[Typical American phrasing. Cigarettes are understood from the context. I would recommend a different name than "Ned," unless she has British roots. Popular American names of that generation include Robert (Bob), William (Bill), Stanley (Stan), James (Jimmy), John (Johnny). The traditionals and their diminutives.]

-If it broke down one more time that morning I'd not be responsible for my actions. >

-If it had broken down one more time that morning, I was not going to be responsible for my actions.

[Need to keep in past tense; use commas after introductory commas]

=Break paragraph before "To drown out the noise"

-To drown out the noise I flicked on the radio and listed to the shrill hiss of static.>

-To drown out the noise, I flicked on the radio to the shrill hiss of static.

-It won't remain fixed to a station for longer than five minutes, so I spend half the drive fiddling with the dial to tune into different stations.>

-Since it won't remain fixed to a station for longer than five minutes, I spent half the drive fiddling with the dial to tune into different stations.

#NBR 20

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

-To make matters worse it seems to remember what stations it has recently broadcast and refuses to tune into the same station twice in any given four hour stretch.>

- To make matters worse, it seemed to remember what stations it had recently broadcasted and refused to tune into the same station twice in any given four-hour stretch.

=Break paragraph before "I couldn't be bothered"

-I couldn't be bothered buying a new radio and I suspected that the car would reject a new radio in the way that ears sometimes reject piercings.>

- I couldn't be bothered buying a new radio. I suspected that the car would reject a new radio in the same way that ears sometimes reject piercings.

[Splitting up a long sentence. My ears rejected my piercings. I feel your pain.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "While I concentrated":

-While I concentrated on scanning for a new station, and trying to avoid yet another right wing bitch fest, a truck pulled alongside and slowly overtook the rust bucket. >

-While I scanned for a new station, trying to avoid yet another right-wing bitch fest, a semi-truck pulled alongside and slowly passed the rust bucket.

[tightening up the narrative, changing some words out for typical American—we understand "overtook," but 99.5% of us would say "passed."]

=Break the paragraph before "This one had some type of mesh"

[I've already mentioned about the different types of trucks in America. Please consider rewriting this section.]

=Break the paragraph before "As a child"

-As a child I'd wanted a cow, but my parents are not cow friendly.>

-As a child, I'd wanted a cow, but my parents are not cow friendly.

-They said we couldn't afford a cow and I said that it would pay its way by giving us milk and cheese. >

-They said we couldn't afford a cow, and I said that it would pay its way by giving us milk and cheese.

[needed a comma; cows could also mow the grass and fertilize it. When it got old, butcher it for BBQ.]

#NBR 21

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

*Paragraph that begins "Finally tuning into a station":

-Finally tuning into a station, I settled back for five minutes of broadcast bliss and gave the truck more of my attention.>

-After finally tuning into a station, I settled back for five minutes of broadcast bliss and gave the truck more of my attention.

[Is she stuck in traffic? Or is she on an empty highway? Because her attention is on the truck, is she drifting out of her lane into the other one or onto the shoulder?]

-It had a logo painted on its side. Trish Inc stenciled in big green lettering underneath a picture of a black cat wearing a witch's hat. >

-It had a logo painted on its side—"Trish Inc" stenciled in big green lettering underneath a black cat wearing a witch's hat.

[Technically, you can forego the quotes around the name and just put it in all caps, as it is a sign. Either works, though, but not the way you had it.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "I laughed at my own":

-I laughed at my own hilarity and then realized nobody else had been in earshot.>

-I laughed at my own hilarity and then realized nobody else had been within earshot.

[*within earshot]

-You say something clever and nobody is present to bear witness.>

-You say something clever, and nobody is present to witness it.

["bear witness" means to report it in the States, whereas, "witness it" indicates observation]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Something flicked out":

=Break the paragraph before "The truck continued to move ahead"

-Something under the hood started to whine and then gurgle. I suddenly had a brainwave.

-When something under the hood whined and gurgled, I had a brainwave.

["started to" is a weak construction; then is a dead-weight work; subordination is stronger; "-ly" adverbs clutter the prose]

-If it blew up the rust bucket then Dad would have to buy me another car. >

-If the rust bucket blew up, then dad would have to buy me another

#NBR 22

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

=Break the paragraph before "The truck continued to pass me"

-The truck continued to pass me, but I eased up on the accelerator.>

-As the truck passed me, I eased up on the accelerator.

[subordination; removal of weak "continued to" construction]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "sighing, I'd started":

-Sighing, I'd started to give up any hope of discovering what the mystery object had been when something stuck out of the truck again.>

-Sighing, I gave up any hope of discovering the identity of the mystery object—until something stuck out of the truck again.

[tightening the prose; the em-dash adds tension]

-This time I managed to get a decent look at it.>

-This time, I managed to get a decent look at it.

-I swerved in shock and almost ran off the road.>

-I swerved in shock, almost running off the road.

[Delete "Mom always told me never to be nosy." It interrupts the flow here.]

=Break the paragraph before "Braking suddenly"

-Braking suddenly, I stopped on the edge of the road and watched the truck pull away.>

-Braking with a jerk, I stopped on the shoulder of the road as I watched the truck pull away.

[remove the -ly adverb; subordinate; if you are placing her in the South, use "verge" instead of "shoulder."]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The rust bucket spluttered, gave":

-The rust bucket spluttered, gave a final valiant heave, and then the engine stopped.>

-The rust bucket spluttered, gave a final valiant heave, and stopped with a jolt.

-I reached for the keys and noticed how violently my hand shook.>

-When I reached for the keys, I noticed how my hand trembled with

#NBR 23

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

=Break the paragraph before "Okay, so now I was running late"

-Okay, so now I was running late to dental school and my nerves were shot, and it was all Trish's fault.>

-Okay, so now I was running late to dental school, and my nerves were shot, and it was all Trish's fault.

[NOTE: In this paragraph you used the Oxford comma, but in the rest of the text you did not. You might want to choose one method or the other for consistency's sake. :-) ]

_________

Good luck on the edit process. If you need any help with American issues, let me know. I've lived in both large and small towns in the Western US, as well as visited a lot of the rest of the country, with a few relatives in the South, the Northeast, and friends in the Great Lakes and Midwest. I'm familiar with a lot of the regional differences.

I look forward to reading the rest of your book as time permits. I am adding it to my pleasure reading list. Cheers!

-----THE END-----

#NBR 17

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING CONT.

-She once told me that I had the drilling technique of an old and blind Albanian fisherman and that if my fake jaw were a real person I would probably have killed the patient, the dental nurse and myself.>

-She once told me that I had the drilling technique of blind, old Albanian fisherman. She went on to say that if my fake jaw were a real person I would probably have killed the patient, the dental hygeniest and myself.

[Different terminology; breaking the long sentence; and adjusting the descriptive for the Albanian fisherman. FYI, readers tire when reading long sentences. The periods give their brains a brief pause to absorb and comprehend before moving onto the next thought. Try to avoid compound sentences. Never use compound-complex in light fiction writing. If you're writing the next great piece of Dickens, go for those really long, descriptive sentences.]

-I think she over exaggerated a little there, plus I felt sure that what she said about the Albanian fisherman may been a little racist. >

-I thought she over-exaggerated. Plus, I felt sure that what she said about the Albanian fisherman may been a little racist.

[keep the verb tense to past throughout the narrative; split the sentence up to make the last statement important.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Her face turned":

-I don't think she appreciated being called a gargoyle, especially in earshot of the other students, or maybe she couldn't cope when students had the nerve to speak back.>

-I don't think she appreciated being called a gargoyle, especially within earshot of the other students. Maybe she couldn't cope when students had the nerve to speak back.

[Break up long sentences; "within" as opposed to "in" is usually used with "earshot"]

➤ Network with this winner: SapphireAlena

➤ 1st runner up: PassengersOfWind

➤ 2nd runner up: confabler & AmericanBruja

➤ Final Author's Note: Firstly, I'd like to say that choosing a winning comment was a difficult task, as there were many readers who provided great comments. Being on the other side of the page (so to speak) gives you an awareness of what other spotlighted authors experience. It's a roller-coaster, but not one that crashes into a fiery mess. It's a great experience, and extremely valuable. When groups like NBR are used to full advantage there is so much positive work that can be achieved. So, to all people who took the time to read and comment, thank you. 

📕 📗 📖 📘📙

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