Oooh! look! It's a star! Someone PRESS it!

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST): 1/27 - 2/05

✔︎ Moderator: swiftiegirl1010

Announcement: 

Remember, you must address the comment topic, but you can select two out of the three Authors' questions to answer.

Our fellow NBR member wrightstory has published an interview with another talented member of our community, . Go check it out in her book, Interviews with Writers Big and Small on Wattpad!  

Also, take some time to check out ThatGreyGirl's great prompt in the November prompt challenge chapter! You might just be amazed by the talent we have here on NBR.

Comment Topic: The depth of the characters is probably one of the most important things to think about while writing a story. Comment on the elements that help or hinder the complexity and dynamic of the protagonist.

Comment Tip: Remember folks to provide insightful examples along with your suggestions. For instance, if there is a consistent grammar error in a chapter, like a missing comma in sentences with similar structures, point that out and SHOW them HOW to correct it. 

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Author #1: MoonLoop

Book Title: Lacunae

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter 3

Summary: Aula Reed is part of an international crew of astronauts on the Moon. Together they face the daily challenges of living off Earth. One of those challenges happens to be a broken toilet that, through a series of plumbing failures, now blocks an airlock. While on this important if ignoble task, her past begins to catch up her. The first astronauts to walk the Moon in 67 years died nearly a decade ago and that anniversary overshadows Aula's life like nothing else. She is one of two survivors of that mission and finds that the Moon holds onto its ghosts more tightly than Earth.

Author's Note: 

- How are different parts of the chapter working (or not working) together?

- Are there any parts where the word choice, symbolism, imagery, or emotion is overbearing and/or repetitive?

- I'm assuming people will know a bit about space exploration if they're interested in this story, but are there parts that come across as too over explained or not explained enough? 

I know we're all tired of hearing gratitude at this stage, but Imma do it anyway. Big thanks to NBR for doing this and for all of you for lending your particular set of editing skills to my draft. Enjoy your weekend!

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: .Science Fiction (hard sci-fi/dying astronaut)

Rating: PG-13

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: Astrology is one of the things that enthralls the four of us, so naturally, your chapter drew us right in. We wanted to start by saying that we did love the chapter, what with the sereneness of it and the fact that there's a lot of things we learned (i.e that the moon is 1/6th of the Earth's gravity).

For this week's comment topic, we're talking about depth of characters. One of the things we really love in characters is that we can automatically tell what sorts of characterizations the characters have, as in what their character traits are and that they're clearly defined, which directly relates to in-depth characters. For your chapter, we noticed this aspect: Harvey's humor, Aula's responsible, and Kalashnikoff has a leader-like quality. There were a lot of characters in this chapter, we felt like. We wanted to see a little more of all of the characters in this chapter, only because we loved what you were doing with their characters. Like when you said, "She turns to the camera and manages to raise her middle finger," we liked that there was some human-ness in these characters (which there should be, so great job)! One of the things we think may help with adding more to these characters in this chapter is establishing a point of view. Is this chapter in Aula's point of view? It was a little hard to tell because the pronoun 'her' was used a bit repetitively. We suggest that you make the point-of-view more definable in the chapter, and that in turn will add more to all of the other characters. We'll point out which parts, we felt, could be more defined in the chapter POV-wise (but these are all just suggestions so you definitely don't have to take these if you don't want to):

>"She turns to the camera over the airlock and manages to raise her middle finger." As said previously, we love that this is a character-trait-defining action, and not to mention, you did a great job describing this part what with the gloves and all, but we weren't sure whose point of view it was in. Aula's? Reed's? (Or maybe this is just us because we haven't read the first two chapters?)

>"The muscles in her shoulders ease. "Copy." " Again, this might just be us, but we didn't know if this was still Aula speaking. Maybe you could put the name of the character speaking instead of 'her' to rid this sentence of its slight confusion?

>"The shifts beneath her boots and she loses her balance." We still think you're talking about Aula, but after a few paragraphs of describing this as being a 'her' we must admit that we're slightly lost.

>"The VitaGuard IV is sending all her vitals back to ILUB-2 and subsequently down to Houston." Since you were just talking about Reed, we were assuming that this could be Reed's vitals that they're talking about. But it could also be Aula's, because for the next few paragraphs it suggests Aula. We suggest clarifying who the 'her' is in this paragraph.

So overall with the Comment Topic this week, we found that we were learning who these characters were and we began to take quite a liking to them, so great job with that! But what we wanted to see more of was Aula in her point-of-view (like pronouns other than 'her', because this made us feel a little set apart from Aula, but only a little.)

About your first question, we had to go back and reread the chapter three or four times to fully grasp the meaning of what was going on, but in by NO MEANS was this because of the writing or prose, it was simply because there was a lot of telling in the story and we weren't getting that passion that the characters had about their mission. We suggest adding a little internal dialogue through Aula in the chapter so that we connect with her, and therefore the rest of the story. As for the telling, we know this is needed to understand what's going on (and those parts we didn't mind at all!) but we went back and found some places where the prose seemed to tell rather than show, which caused for some of the different parts feeling hazy:

>"It's very fine to it gets into everything, it's electrically charged so it's impossible to brush off, it's abrasive, and it's toxic." @Echo4Echo mentioned this as well, and we think this could be better incorporated into the storyline. For example, SHOW us that the dust is impossible to brush off by having Aula brush it off herself. "The dust is fine, so it gets into everything. Aula often tried to brush off the dust, but since it was electrically charged, it didn't help. The abrasive powdery substance was toxic and smelled of (...)" ( ← whatever moon dust smells like :)). We do love the information that you give us, though, we just think that this sentence could have been incorporated into the story a little better.

>"Since the earth has (one-sixth) of the Earth's mass (...)" That whole sentence, we suggest, should probably be at the end of the second sentence in this paragraph, only because having a fact start off this paragraph instantly yanks us out of the story. (Although we do find it quite interesting!). So we suggest putting this sentence after "Aula used to think it would be easy to move around up here..."

And then the part where she thinks about her past was done quite well. In your question, you said you didn't know how the prose in this part gelled the past into the working parts of the chapter. We think you did well with it, but there were some sentence-structure things we wanted to go over for this particular part:

. "Her family's horses sauntering single file between the waterer and the willows using paths that crisscrossed the field." Awesome showing here, by the way! But the sentence feels like an add-on to the previous one, so we suggest making it just that. You could say, "It reminds her of playing back in the fields when she was a kid(,) her family's horses sauntering single file(...)" This is more grammatically correct.

. "Her lights shine on him as they walk into their preplanned route..."

This part is happening in the present time, and it took us a moment to realize this, by which, we were slightly confused during that moment. Maybe you could state something along the lines of, "Now Aula came back to the present, noticing her lights shine on him as they walked into their preplanned route."

Your prose was well-done, however, and we liked the poem that you gave and the way that it was formatted. It was really nice to see that aesthetic-like poem here, and it worked quite well with the story.Well done with this!

The two things we found repetitive were the uses of the pronouns like 'him' 'her' or 'their/them' in the chapter, as mentioned earlier, and then we noticed that you were describing a lot of events happening (and again, this could just be because we haven't read the other parts of the chapter), but the events felt so abundant and repetitive in a sense that there were actions going on, but we had no idea what to imagine in a sense of worldbuilding. We knew they were on the moon near the airlock, but we suggest going really deep about this in all elements of this chapter. For example...colors, how the light affects Aula's sight, smells, hearing, feels (you did quite a good job of describing feeling things with those large suits on, though), where are the ridges of slight hills--nearby or out in the distance? The only, only, only reason that the events in the chapter seemed repetitive is because they were quite abundant, (so it seemed like event, event, event) and this pulls away from other elements of the story (like worldbuilding). So really, we just FELT like the actions going on in this chapter, the dialogue and the use of the hammer, was repetitive. (oh goodness we really hope this is making sense.)

Other than that, though, your prose was done really well describing these events that were happening, and you seem to have a great gift of writing. These characters knew what they were doing, and that was really apparent. We loved a lot of the sentence structure you use in some of the earlier parts of the chapter, and we felt as though the ending of it sped-up to a nice, comfortable pace. :)

For your third question, we found that your knowledge on the subject of space explorations, the moon, and the abbreviations quite impressions. We didn't notice any scientific inaccuracies, so well done with this. We admire that you did lots of research for this story in order to pull all of the elements together, and as @Echo4Echo perfectly stated, all of this knowledge and the abbreviations made the chapter take on quite a solid, together feel. We really, really loved your chapter and the way that you incorporated astronomy into a science-fiction genre. It was so cleverly done, and there's a great deal of talent within this chapter. You did a great job with it, and everything mentioned above are solely our opinions and suggestions that you can take or leave as you see fit. We just want to encourage you in saying that you CAN do this, and to please k e e p o n w r i t i n g! Thank you for reading through our review,we hoped we could help and that we didn't sound too repetitive with what we were saying!

Have a lovely spotlight week!

Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, & Clary"

➤ Network with this winner: PassengersOfWind

➤ 1st runner up: Tegan1311

➤ 2nd runner up: Echo4Echo

➤ Final Author's Note: It's easy to get stuck in research mode and lose sight of the goal post so another pair of eyes (or in this case, a few hundred pairs) goes a long way. Choosing only three people is a challenge, let me tell you. I could easily choose ten more because so many of you went the extra mile. But for @PassengersOfWind, @Tegan1311, and @Echo4Echo, their evenhandedness with editing and generosity with their insight helped not only with this chapter, but the whole book. Thank you to all who commented. The time and energy you guys put into critiquing my work is much appreciated.

Enjoyyour weekend!    

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Author #2: SunshineLola17

Book Title: OfAshes

Spotlight Chapter: ConditionToxic

Summary: Nick's sister is dead. The police have ruled the fire in which she burned an accident but he isn't convinced, and the only other person who would know the full truth is in a mental hospital completely unaware of the world around her.

When that girl-Katherine- wakes up from her catatonia however, Nick is determined to get to the truth cost what it may. Even if it costs her her sanity.

Told through various eyes and methods, this is a mystery about two people seeking the same truth and discovering together what lies among the ashes.

Author's Note: First of all, wow! Thank you so much to Dawn, Amber, and the rest of the team for allowing me to be spotlighted this week after only about a month of being a part of the team. It is so exciting!

QUESTION 1: I use third person omniscient as my POV and jump through various eyes. I've found that a lot of people tend to dislike that, but I think it's important for a mystery book. My question is: can you separate both voices in this chapter? Can you tell the differences between the first speaker, Greta, and the second speaker, Dr. Ruso?

QUESTION 2: I use visuals like news paper clippings and diary entries to create a sort of epistolary novel. Do you think it works in order to tell the whole story? I included an example in my chapter.

QUESTION 3: I've always struggled with descriptions. "Is it too much or is it too little?" has always been the question I have to constantly ask myself as I write, and therefore, I pose the same question to you all. 

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: PG-13

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: Hello Sunshine! Congratulations on the spotlight. Hope it was a blast for you.

Let's get started:

So I'm going to go out of order because it's midnight, I've had too much coffee, and surprise!

Question 2:

I really like the idea of what's happening and let me just tell you, I LOVE the idea of the mixed media. I don't think books do it enough and when they do manage to slip it in, it's usually never done to it's fullest potential. Take Rigg's Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children for example (If you haven't read that, I'd pick it up and take a look at the dos and don'ts of mixed media). He found a clever way to bring creepy photography into his story in order to build his world. What happened later is that he shafted his audience and created a (in my personal opinion) trite story that had almost nothing to do with the images. There was little need for the images at all. By the end I realized it was just a sad gimick to get people to read. And it worked. I bought his book and then rued the day. But this is just my opinion - there is so much potential for your idea and when executed well throughout the story with precision, purpose, and creativity... woah. It's going to be stunning.

The way you incorporated the first piece of media is where I saw the potential. I love the news clipping, but I feel like it's floating above your narrative as opposed to sticking within it. Introduce it then show it to us. make it part of the story and then give it to us as evidence of its reality. In that scenario, I would have maybe taped it to a wall, or used it as a bookmark that just happens to be opened to that particular page. Or maybe it's crumpled on the floor or maybe she has lined the walls of her entire cell with thousands of copies of that one article because she's insane and has nothing better to do than steal papier mache glue from the craft table. Whatever it is, make it big. Make us notice it. Make us desperate to hold it.

[To Be Continued...]

You mentioned that you were going for an epistolary feel - we need more! Way more media and letters in every chapter to give us this feel. I bet that within the entirety of your story, there's plenty more to find, but I think in order to get that feeling, you should have every chapter brimming with letters, media, diary entries, sketches, announcements, or anything else your characters can get your hands on. To truly be epistolary, the whole thing needs to read like a scrapbook. You can achieve this! I promise. Your one clipping was good enough to eat - we just need more of that. My suggestion: If you haven't already read Mary Shelley's Frankenstein, I would do so to see some great epistolary at work. The entire book is a series of letters being written to the sister of the narrator. In the middle, it's basically a transcript of Viktor F's tale that the narrator is writing out in a letter. It's brilliant! But I think your 3rd person omniscient is going to cause you some trouble there. Question 1: Can you tell the difference between the characters? Yes - but only if I'm trying really hard. 3rd POV is great. 3rd POV omni is sometimes great. It's a really hard narrative to pin down because you're basically playing God and trying to dive into the heads of many different people. That's ok. I see what you're trying to do and I have a suggestion that would make it easier to read and maybe even more stylistically fun as hell. Dammit, character limit

Question 3: Description

This is probably one of those questions where you're going to get a spectrum of answers ranging from 'Nope, not enough' all the way to 'Waaaaay too much'. This is a matter of taste. Personally, I think you gave us enough description of the surroundings to get us moving in the right direction. It was neither too much nor too little. I thought you delivered a good amount.

Again, bringing in the mixed media could heighten your setting. Tell us what the object is, where it is, how it's interacting with the world, and how the character feels about it.

CT: Dynamic Character

It's way too early to tell if your character is dynamic. She's in a catatonic state so I can't give you a fair answer on that. What I do believe is that you've created an opportunity for yourself here - one where you can make a vivid character by using her surroundings to build our empathy for her. By the time she's lucid again, we're going to want her to come back swinging (particularly in the direction of Greta).

I hope this helped and I hope you got tons and tons and tons of great information out of this spotlight. They're rough on the skin, but in the end, the benefits outweigh everything.

This was such an interesting idea and you genuinely do have some great potential at your fingertips! I wish you the best of luck when wading through all these comments. Your edits await!

-L

I see Dr. Russo as being slightly attracted to Mrs. A (I know he's a professional and it's his job to read emotional states, but it sounds like he's taken a particular interest in the woman).

That could make for some interesting tension.

I do this every once in a while too and I forget how flustered a reader can get when she reads it - Try not to use the "-like" descriptor. If it's 'like' something, just go with a good 'ol simile or metaphor and your imagery will speak for itself.

Interesting info of the day: Limbo is actually the location where neither joy nor sorrow is felt (according to Dante). Maybe you just mean hell? Because reliving that nightmare over and over again without being able to communicate the horror would be straight-up hell for me.

If she's continuing to decline, in his notes he would somewhere add the newest symptom of her worsening condition. What is worse this time that wasn't there before?

Otherwise, he'd note that there is no change as opposed to a decline.

With his big gut, I didn't imagine him being young - that threw me for a bit of a loop. I'd somehow add this detail in the beginning description. Or maybe tack on something that would hint at his youth.

Suggestion: The clipping comes a little out of left field. Do you think that this could be something that is introduced? Maybe it's the object of Greta's unease, or maybe it's something that she finds on the nightstand next to the cot? This way, we know that this is in the room with her and we can join in on the discovery. We readers love discovery. LOVE this idea. Love the image. Love the format. Great idea!

If Greta works in this facility, she might not find the room creepy since most of the rooms would be just like this. Is there a specific detail of the room that she finds eerie? Maybe a picture or an empty space where something used to be? All it needs to be is one small piece that is different from all the other rooms. Greta would notice this little difference immediately if all the other rooms are copies uniform.

I understand that this is torture and while I agree with Sam, I can see why you've made this more cruel than irritating. Is this because she is honestly torturing her? Maybe in her mind, Greta is just "making her uncomfortable", but is truly after retribution? If so, maybe try clarifying that there is a line and she's purposefully crossing it. I know there have been plenty of cases where healthcare workers are disturbed enough to do things like this.

➤ Network with this winner: LLMontez

➤ 1st runner up: ColoradoKid420

➤ 2nd runner up: BillReusch

➤ Final Author's Note: I feel like I just survived a sort of literary Hunger Games! This week was wild, but I really enjoyed reading everything everyone had to say. There were a ton of really helpful comments and people who were genuinely willing to help out. Their keen eyes saw things I hadn't before and they posed challenging questions that made me reevaluate a few things about the direction of my story which in the end will make it 100% better. Thank you all for catching the errors I made and for being kind about the things you liked. Until next time!

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Author #3: WolfFairy

Book Title: Be Quiet and Obey

Spotlight Chapter:  Chapter 1

Summary: Evie Wilson is a young art student who unfortunately lacks basic social skills. She is extremely polite and passive which earns her respect from some, while others see her as strange and boring. Her respectful and compliant nature soon attracts the attention of a controlling man who wants her all for himself. Unfortunately for him, so does the psychotic voice inside his head. When Evie is forcibly ripped from her life by two people sharing a body, just who will she choose to obey?

Author's Note: Hi guys, I'm very excited to be spotlighted for the first time! I've been a member of Wattpad since 2011 but have struggled to gain exposure. Needless to say, I'm looking forward to receiving constructive feedback from fellow writers. I would like to give a big thank you to Amber The3dreamers for spotlighting my story and for introducing me to the talented community of NBR! I'd also like to thank DawnStarling and the #NBR Enforcers for their amazing work. Please feel free to be honest in your reviews, I'm open to suggestions.

Question 1 –My intention was to scratch the typical female personality which is often found in abduction stories, (gorgeous, smart etc. whom is adored by all). These 'perfections' usually result in the MC being snatched away by a man captivated by her beauty. So my question is, have I achieved this with Evie?

Question 2- Does this chapter grab your attention and make you want to keep reading? Please explain.

Question 3 – I'm aware that the whole 'She's mine' business is a major cliché, especially with the looming, dominant male, but I just couldn't help myself! I'm a sucker for bad boys lol. So I was wondering, would the 'cliché' subject matter influence the likelihood of you reading this story? Or, is Branton's multiple-personality disorder enough of a twist to spike your interest? 

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Mystery/Thriller

Rating: M (for some swearing at the end)

▼ Check back to see:

➤ Winning Comment: 

Round 70 Comment Topic: The depth of the characters is probably one of the most important things to think about while writing a story. Comment on the elements that help or hinder the complexity and dynamic of the protagonist.

Well, the author here wanted to create a character who was different from the protagonists she usually sees in these sorts of books.

As part of that she chose to make Evie a socially awkward girl who's not good at standing up for herself. She also seems to have some difficulty in reading or relating to other people and also their motives. When Melanie wanted to come along on a shopping trip, Evie didn't even get that it was a social opportunity and was puzzled at the other girl's desire to come along.

On the one hand, this doesn't bode well for her with regards to Branton. She seems like she's going to be very easy for him to control, steer, and manipulate as he pleases. Also, her withdraw nature and apparent lack of social connections make it seem likely that it'll be a while before too many people realize she's even missing. She's lucky that she already has Melanie on that list, though.

Now, there is one possible advantage I am seeing here with regards to her personality: sometimes in order to deal with (and by "deal with" I mean survive!) situations like this, you have to play along with it all to keep your captor appeased. Over time they may even begin to trust you and become lax about security...thus giving you potential windows for attack or flight. So Evie should be good at that sort of thing, and she should also be the type who isn't inclined to act rashly rather than being observant and patient—strategic.

HOWEVER...because of her pliant nature, it's questionable whether she even will have much intent of resisting. It doesn't sound so far that she'd even think that way much.

So it's definitely a big question how much fight she has in her and whether she'd have any clue about applying it. We have a character who has some qualities that could be highly advantageous, yet also has issues that may nullify whatever benefits she has.

Also...one thing that was alluded to here is that fact that people don't pay much attention to her. I'm hoping she doesn't have some combination of naïveté and neediness that means she'll even be flattered or swayed by the attentions of a guy who mostly likely needs to be behind walls, behind bars, or under dirt!

As much as I'm concerned that it'll follow a more predictable route, I definitely see some possibility here for complexity in how this story plays out and how our protagonist copes with everything.

Author's Questions:

Hello there, Wolf Fairy! I hope today finds you well. Let's get started with the questions!

Question 1 –My intention was to scratch the typical female personality which is often found in abduction stories, (gorgeous, smart etc. whom is adored by all). These 'perfections' usually result in the MC being snatched away by a man captivated by her beauty. So my question is, have I achieved this with Evie?

I don't think the abduction stories that I do read are quite what you're talking about here, so I'm guesstimating based on how you're describing them. It sounds like those girls are generally bombshell/cheerleader/supermodel stereotype sorts, right? If that's the case, then it does sound like Evie's different from them. She's pretty withdrawn and is the opposite of a vivacious social butterfly. Also, while you do describe her as cute & pretty, it does at least seem like she's one of those quietly, understatedly pretty girls rather than the one who obviously catches people's eyes.

Question 2- Does this chapter grab your attention and make you want to keep reading? Please explain.

Well, I'd say yes—to an extent. I find the writing style pretty enjoyable, and I am intrigued by Branton's whole mental situation. Having said that, if this is going to follow the sort of plot that I suspect it will—idiotic or crazy girl falling in lust with a psychotic, abusive guy who needs to be either in jail or in a mental hospital...then I'll probably end up dropping out, try be told, because I'd find it irritating as heck.

Question 3 – I'm aware that the whole 'She's mine' business is a major cliché, especially with the looming, dominant male, but I just couldn't help myself! I'm a sucker for bad boys lol. So I was wondering, would the 'cliché' subject matter influence the likelihood of you reading this story? Or, is Branton's multiple-personality disorder enough of a twist to spike your interest?

Second question first: It definitely does intrigue me some, although it's not what I was expecting. Instead of "good guy, bad guy," it's just "awful guy, even worse guy."

I mean, what seems to be his main personality is already a Goddarned stalker/abuser type of mindset. And then the secondary one is the same—just more aggressive. So yeah...I'm seeing nothing good here. It's basically like being kidnapped by two psychos instead of just the one. Yay?

Like I said, that does make the story more intriguing overall...however, it also leads into my answer for the first question—likelihood of reading.

My main concern here isn't the issue of being cliché per se. It's the content of the story—or cliché—itself. From what I can tell, this sounds like it's going to be another one of those stories where the girl supposedly "falls in love" with the son of a gun who's victimizing her.

[Note: I'm basing my guess that there will be a pseudo-romantic element here on the fact that your book has a "dark romance" tag. (And also your comment regarding "bad boys." If that's not reflective of your intent, then you can just remove that tag and ignore my below speech about why there's nothing romantic about being kidnapped by a sick individual.)

A girl with that kind of mindset towards someone who's stalking, abusing, enslaving, and/or ráping her needs a mega bout of therapy herself! To me that'd be like writing a Goddarned "love" story between Smart or Dugard and their respective captors, or romanticizing the idea of ending up with a son of a gun like Peter Caraway. (Warning: You'll probably not want to look too hard into the Peter & Herta Caraway case unless you have a rather strong stomach for gore. Even though I didn't even see photos of the body, simply learning about what was done to that woman from Lieutenant Kenda's show was deeply disturbing to me, despite most of it having been postmortem. And bear in mind that I generally have a very strong stomach for things like this, plus postmortem mutilation generally bothers me far, far less than anything done while a person is still alive to potentially suffer.)

That brings to mind two different things:

1. Stockholm Syndrome

2. Those weak, codependent individuals who'll follow the lead of "stronger" individuals and aid them in crimes. They'll be so freaking dependent on the other individual and concerned with getting affirmation from them that they don't give a darn about hurting or killing other people, as long as that' serves their purposes.

Then only way one would remotely have any business having some sort of relationship with a guy like Branton would be if he was actively seeking help and it was actually taking. And even so, it would be a matter of whether or not he'd done anything yet. If he went and sought help AFTER he'd already kidnapped her, etc, then guess what, Evie? Given the fact that there are billions of other guys on the planet, I'm sure you really could freaking do better than picking the same guy who put you through Hades.

And with her current personality, the last thing she probably needs is a guy with an overbearing personality like that. Indeed, it's questionable whether she should be trying to get with anyone yet, as she really needs more strength. If she can't develop that, then even if she's lucky enough to find a guy who wouldn't take advantage of her inability to stand up for herself, it would still mean that she couldn't even communicate her needs effectively, so even if the guy is genuinely trying to have a happy marriage with her, he won't even know when things are upsetting her because she won't speak up. That's already a common theme with women as is, and Evie seems like the type who'll be even more prone to falling into that trap.

The kidnapping or stalking-centered books that I read are ones where the victim is busy trying to fight back or survive the situation, not ones with this idea of there being some so-called romance between victim and predator. The only context in which I can see that working is if the intent is clearly NOT to glamorize such a twisted relationship. For example, the woman is just as evil as him and they become one of those psychotic couples, or it's otherwise understood to be a tragic story of a victim losing their Goddarned mind. But not something like this being portrayed as in any way a legitimate relationship.

Books like "Captured" & "Under" by or "Delusions" and "Find Me" by are fantastic books and great examples of the sort of abduction and/or stalking stories that appeal to me.

(Ps. I'm still in the midst of "Under" and "Delusions," so they could still suddenly veer off onto that course, but thus far there's been no indication that the girls involved will be wanting to get with their captors.)

Additional Notes:

Some quick notes before we start:

(Refresher on my editing approach)

For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision.

Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed.

Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them.

All right, then—here we go!

Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse ad direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed.

*******

First (starting from blurb) : "There are rules, my sweet Evie." [Added comma to set off term of direct address. And note that "my" & "sweet" were included in that, as part of the phrase.

Simple and concise post on the topic:

]

Next: She is extremely polite and passive—which earns her respect from some, while others see her as strange and boring. [Added em dash after "passive." At first that was going to be a comma, but I didn't like the way that choice flowed, due to the comma already in the sentence.]

Next (moving on to chapter now) : She had been awake for most of the night, thanks to her roommate's constant sleep talking. [Added comma between "night" & "thanks."]

Next: "Help me, Mr. Cow," Melanie begged, stretching out her arms and wiggling her fingers. [Added comma; direct address rule again.]

Next: Evie rolled over and stared out through her blurred eyes at the lump that could only be her roommate. Grabbing her glasses off of the bedside table she put them on just in time to see Melanie waving her hand dismissively in the air.

"I don't need you, tootsy roll." She sneered.

Evie rubbed her temples. She had put up with Melanie's sleep talking for the past three years, but she honestly didn't know how much more she could take.

[The paragraphing here needed to be reorganized, especially as it affects clarity; Melanie's words and actions needed to be distinct from those of Evie.

Also, the part about Melanie waving is not a dialogue tag and cannot be connected to a quotation as it was.

I'm going to see if I can find a good link or two on the topic, as this is a major problem throughout the chapter—dialogue tags, action beats, and their respective punctuation and relationships to quotations getting mixed up.

But I already have a great link on the topic of paragraph division :

Next: *"Why don't you just wake her up?"* her mum had asked her one day. [Made "her" lowercase, as you don't capitalize the beginning of a dialogue tag when it follows the quotation that it's connected to.]

Next: Melanie kicked her blanket off of the bed. "No more garbage bags," she mumbled before rolling over. [This was basically flipped; the action beat was being treated as a dialogue tag, and the actual dialogue tag was being treated as an action beat. So, I flipped things back around.

Alright, here are those links I've gotten together now:

Those should cover the topic pretty darn well for you. And I like that the third link varies things up and expands on the topic some by really going beyond the punctuation and focusing more on the application of the tags & beats.

One big caveat, though. In Joanna Penn's post, there was an example she presented as correct that I very strongly disagree with:

*******

When your dialogue tag crops up in the midst of a sentence:

Incorrect: "Wait," she said, "Are you coming over today?"

Correct: a) "Wait," she said. "Are you coming over today?"

b) "Wait"—she said—"are you coming over today?"

The period after said in option 'a' separates the sentences. Setting off she said with dashes, as shown in option 'b,' allows the phrase to remain one sentence.

Example A works just fine, but Example B is a huge no for me.

Instead, the way I was taught to do that—and the way I commonly see it practiced—would be like so:

"Wait," she said, "are you coming over today"?

I will note that in cases where the two parts of the quotation could each function well as their own sentence, it does seem preferable to punctuate them the way she did with Example A.

However, here's an example sentence where that doesn't work, and where you instead would use the approach I just demonstrated:

"And this," she said, "is why I always keep pepper spray handy."

Neither "and this" nor the second part works as a standalone sentence, so you instead set off the dialogue tag with commas on each side, and keep the beginning of the quotation's second part ("is" in this case) lowercase.

But this isn't just a matter of the approach she neglected to mention. It's also a question of what she DID show for Example B. Using em dashes like that is actually how you're supposed to handle quotations that are interrupted by action beats. Example:

"Well, I suppose"—he rubbed his neck—"I might've been a little quick to jump to conclusions."

I honestly have no idea why she would recommend using em dashes to punctuate dialogue tags in a way that's meant to be used for descriptive beats. I hope this doesn't come off as cocky here; it's just that she's left out what seems to be a far more standard and common method and replaced it with something that seems to be an outright mix-up.]

Next: Evie quickly grabbed her towel, bag full of toiletries and some clean clothes. She didn't bother trying to be quiet, since she doubted that even an apocalypse would be able to wake Melanie. She skillfully maneuvered her way out of the small room that they both shared and locked the door behind her before heading for the shared hall bathroom. [Added comma before "since." Removed the comma after "behind her."

Also, I noticed the sentence starting with "She skillfully maneuvered..." has some inconsistent spacing going on between it and the preceding sentence.]

Next: The halls were quiet, which wasn't unusual for the early morning. Evie would often wake up early and head down to her favourite spot on campus, which was under an old oak tree. She would take a canvas and paint whatever came to mind. Some of her personal favourites were created under that tree. [Added comma before "which." I also noticed that you seem to have accidentally added a paragraph space after "quiet."

Finally, I changed "her canvas" to "a canvas." You already have "her favourite" and "her personal favourite," so having an additional "her" phrase felt too repetitive.]

Next: Melanie liked to call her style "bohemian". [Changed single quotation marks to double quotation marks.

I get that the two main ways of dealing with quotation marks are flipped.

In one version, double quotes are used for most things, and single quotes are used for quotations that are within other quotations.

And in the other version this is flipped; single quotes for most things, double quotations for quotes within quotes.

However, the approach I'm seeing her doesn't work with either.

You've been using double quotation marks for regular quotes, so it doesn't make sense to suddenly change to single marks for "bohemian" here, as it does not count as a quote-within-a-quote. (Nor does it work for the part with "pretty" and "cute," which I'll be noting soon enough.)

Next: She brushed out her long black hair and pulled out the magnifying

mirror from her bag in order to put on makeup. Evie removed her glasses and placed them aside. She leaned in as close as she could possibly get to the mirror without touching it and added a touch of foundation and some mascara. Once she was done she gracefully replaced her sleek, black glasses. [Changed "her magnifying mirror" to "the magnifying mirror"—"her" is already used four other times in the paragraph. Changed "gratefully" to "gracefully."]

Next: She honestly didn't care though; she didn't mind wearing glasses. [You have two independent clauses here—that is, clauses that can each function as a complete sentence in their own right—and they thus needed to be joined by something like a semicolon rather than a comma. You could also have added a conjunction like "for" to the comma instead.]

Her bright green eyes stared back at her while she double-checked

her makeup. Evie was confused as to why people often commented on her

appearance saying that she was "cute" and "pretty". Tilting her head and staring in the mirror, she still didn't see what they were talking about. [Hyphenated "double checked." Also, you may want to consider hyphenating the paragraphing about her eyes, depending on the intended meaning:

Bright green eyes = green eyes that are bright overall

Bright-green eyes = eyes that are specifically a bright shade of green

I also changed the single quotation marks to double ones.]

Next: Satisfied by her appearance, she gathered her belongings and returned to her room. [Added comma after "appearance."]

Next: She strolled down the hall and smiled to herself; the sun would start to rise soon which should create a beautiful scene for her to

paint.

[Changed comma to semicolon—independent clauses again. I also changed the first "should" to a "would" in order to reduce repetition. I understand it's possible that Evie was just estimating the time of sunrise, which would make some degree of uncertainty—as expressed by "should"—perfectly reasonable.

However, between the two, the time of sunrise is generally something that can be known or stated with a lot more certainty than the question of whether or not the outdoor scenery and lighting will together look just the right way for her to wish to paint them. After all, things could potentially be gray or dreary or otherwise not quite present the type of picture she wishes to paint that day.

So I between the two options, I decided to change the "should" regarding the sun, as that change is a safer and more reasonable bet.]

***********

Next: Alright, so this whole next section or two will mainly consist of my correction the dialogue tag vs descriptive beat issue and adding commas preceding terms of direct address. Most of the corrections will fall under that scope, so I'm not going to specifically state that each time, because I'm stating it right here instead. But I will use parentheses to note OTHER changes or issues. For example, typo corrections. Alright, here we go:

SECTION 1:

"Good morning, Evie," greeted a familiar voice.

Evie turned towards the front desk and waved at Branton, who was the campus' security manager. "Good morning, Mr. Mitchels."

Branton smiled and placed his hot cup of coffee on the desk. "How are you this morning?"

Evie approached the desk and returned the smile. "I'm very well, thank you. How are you?" (Comma before "thank you.")

The 28 year old workaholic looked alert and focused as per usual, but the bags under his striking hazel eyes were evidence of his exhaustion. "I'm a little tired, to be honest." (Added comma before "to be honest," as that does affect the meaning in cases like these. I think a different example would be easier to show the difference in, though. How about this:

I can do that, without a doubt = I can definitely do that

I can do that without a doubt = I can do that without having any doubts about it )

Evie leaned her elbows on the counter and peered over at the security monitors. "Why is that?" she asked curiously.

Branton turned and pointed at the monitors. "I've been monitoring the security cameras for most of the night." He rested his index finger against his chin while he tapped at one of the monitors. "One of the security guards contacted me last night and reported an intruder on the campus—this is where he was spotted. I haven't seen anything suspicious, but I'm going to stick

around until classes start just to make sure." (Changed comma between "campus" & "this" to em dash—independent clauses issue.

By the way, you could add a comma between "start" and "just," but I do feel like this would create a more marked pause, so I actually would recommend leaving it out unless it's your specific intention to create such a pause.)

Evie felt herself frown; he was pointing at her spot on the monitor.

The majestic oak tree was swaying gently as though calling to her. (Changed comma between "frown" & "he" to a semicolon.)

Branton's eyes travelled to Evie's painting equipment and he smiled sympathetically. "I'm sorry, Evie, but it's just not safe for you to be out there this morning." (Besides the punctuation issues, this group pf sentences needed to be paragraph apart from the preceding group—the one starting with "Evie felt herself frown.")

SECTION 2 (this will be more broken up, as will have sentences from here and there rather than uninterrupted consecutive paragraphs) :

It wasn't as though she were shy;

she just always did what was asked of her because it was easier for her to do so. She didn't know how to handle conflict. (Comma to semicolon.)

Branton sat down in his swivel chair and gestured to the one next to him. "How about you keep me company and paint here?" he suggested hopefully.

At six foot two he was quite tall and his broad shoulders and defined biceps made all the girls drool. (Changed "biseps" to "biceps.")

Evie briefly glanced at the chair and shook her head. "Thank you for the offer, Mr. Mitchels, but I think that I'll just go back to my room."

It was a rare thing for Evie to resist him.

Or: It was rare for Evie to resist him. (It can be either "rare" or "a rare thing," but not just "a rare."

Oh—"a rarity" would work, however.)

SECTION 3 (back to the consecutive paragraphs...) :

His hands clenched into fists and he clenched his jaw tightly. *How dare you disobey me.* (Besides the punctuation issues, these sentences should not be in separate paragraphs. It just makes things more confusing, especially since you're about to introduce a second voice right now; clarity is key for something like that to work effectively.)

Branton heard a chuckle. "Looks like the bítch needs to be taught a lesson."

*Shut up, I didn't ask for your opinion.* Branton placed his

elbows on the table and rested his head in his hands. He started taking

slow, deep breaths in order to calm himself down. If he didn't, then *He* would take control of the body.

*"Are you really going to let her get away with that?"* the voice taunted.

*I said shut up!* Branton hastily pulled out his cell phone and connected his ear phones. Music blasted his ear drums and he blew a sigh of relief and leaned back into his chair.

"You can't fight me off forever. Sooner or later she's going to piss you off, and then I'll finally be able to have some fúcking fun!" the voice yelled over the music.

Branton closed his eyes and allowed the music to drown out His voice. (For the sake of clarity, you may want to continue capitalizing pronouns referring to the voice. You've already referred to it as "He," and continuing the capitalization should help differentiate whom you are talking about.)

*I won't let you have her,* Branton promised before turning up the volume.

*She's mine.* (Period was missing.)

Summary:

Weaker Points:

1. Some typos and grammatical problems, and a lot of punctuation-based issues.

2. Some paragraphing and clarity problems.

3. Concerning theme for the story overall.

Stronger Points:

1. Enjoyable writing style.

2. Quirky, entertaining, unique characters.

3. Interesting twists that potentially sets the story apart from similar ones.

4. Potential for a less clíche, predictable course for the story.

5. The author possesses awareness of the clíches and is actively trying to avoid at least some of them.

Well, those are my notes here! I hope that my information and feedback will be of help to you. Good luck!

➤ Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

➤ 1st runner up: KillYourDarlings7

➤ 2nd runner up: Hayleyautumns

➤ Final Author's Note: Thank so much for your all of your reviews! NBR has been an amazing (and slightly overwhelming) experience. I appreciate all of the suggestions, tips and constructive criticism I received. I'm looking forward to doing some serious editing, which will involve cutting back on unnecessary descriptions and fixing grammar mistakes. : )

WF x

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