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Comment Topic:

As writers, our word selection and sentence structures can be as enticing as the plot and characters themselves. Comment on the author's ability to present their story through diction and sentence structure.

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Author #1: Kirby-Marcelle

Book Title: Flawed

Book Link: https://aztruyen.top/tac-gia/Kirby-Marcelle

Specified Chapter: Distorted [Dual Protagonists: Merci Tanner & Aegean Hill]

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: Let me start out by saying that while this spotlight feels like a dream come true... I can't help but feel like it's also a nightmare. Being a perfectionist, the mere idea of me displaying my work like this is absolutely nerve-wracking, I've been having major anxiety ever since I was informed of my spotlight in this week's round. That being said, the insecurity I have about sharing my work must eventually be silenced. My story's my baby, and like most parents, I have to prepare this child for the real world and make it the best it can be. Basically, go ahead and hit me with your best shot -- hurry, while I've psyched myself up -- because I'm ripping this sucker off like a band-aid.

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Teen Fiction

Winning Comment: 

If we are to focus on your capability as an author to present your story through diction and sentence structure...oh my... hrmmm...well..errr

Your first three paragraphs are fantastically written. Oftentimes, when authors use long-winded sentence structures, it only confuses the reader. Here, your punctuations and long sentences wonderfully add to the emotion of your MC. I feel like I'm your MC, glaring at Marabella, my jaw tight, ticking off the countless ways that she just bugs the crudders out of me.

Emotionally strong words like "snob", "infidelity", "menacing", "guiltless", "deceiving", "unmasking", all contribute to the emotion of your MC and to the story. Even the use of "smack-dab" creates this "sharp sound" even though it really has nothing to do with your MC's emotions.

The repetition of "Ronny"...tres magnifique. It's a small nuance but it shows the "expectation" by your MC because Ronny's reliable appearance after every tutoring session, only to have it disrupted at this time. Her raking gaze over non-Ronny is also well done. By her narrating of every single detail of non-Ronny, you create a strong, lingering disapproval.

Again, on point with the metaphor that Jace is "like a half-starved wolf in wait of meat". This just ADDS to the entire disapproving and distrusting emotion she has about him.

A few notes, what does "startling eyes" mean? While I can get the gist, that his eyes startled her, it reads awkwardly.

Another thing, mentally, she is very "bold" and "snarky"-despite your MC making an observation of "If I was bolder, snarkier...". She's also very sarcastic and witty. I have to wonder why she isn't also physically/vocally this way-though I'm sure this has to do with the flashbacks we see later in the book.

The sentence "His smiles falters when he realizes I'm just another person who can't give him what he wants" is a little hard to grasp at this point, not because its written poorly, because believe me, there is nothing poor about your writing, but because you introduce a concept without much meat to it. So far, we know that this guy is a linebacker (so we automatically get into our social stereotype heads that he is popular) and he's dating a wealthy, exotic snob like Maribella (deducing that he must be fairly handsome and again, popular). These two assumptions make me think that he gets what he wants, often. However Merci's thought of "I'm just another person who can't give him what he wants" detracts from that, making it sound like there are enough people that refuse him his wants that she has noticed that she is one of several. Does that make sense? Lol I feel like I'm babbling.

You already know my love for the whole handshake event going on here. It is so flipping well done. OH. BAGEEZUS!! The use of "glares", "glowing red-hot", "scorch" and that her reaction, to something so trivial, is so serious that she has to "consider all possible outcomes". There's some emotional scarring going on there and adds to the reader's intrigue about your MC.

While I do love the whole narration of "I have clammy hands....original implication of disgust" because it has a contrasting lighthearted tone to something that obviously causes her anxiety, I wonder if this could be added later into the story, through a flashback or something. OR, maybe instead of just saying, show us. Have her feel her the clamminess. Have her panic-ly recall about a particular moment where her clammy hands absolutely embarrassed her and here she had to experience it again-let us make the connection that she doesn't like to shake hands.

The paragraph "I've made him wait too long...maybe read his mind." Again, sentence structure is SO strong here. She's freaking out and the way you've written the rambling thought and detailed observation of his reaction afterwards are absolutely beautiful and exudes her anxiety.

And dead.... "There it is. The implication." Wonderfully vague. Deep in meaning for your MC.

Oh my god I'm not even halfway with your story and I've written a novel already...

Then your switch to Jace. The voice changes. The sentences aren't as long winded, becoming simpler; the words aren't as complex-and I'm not alluding to guys being simple minded, but the fact that his thinking is more direct.

Back to character reveal. Yes. I love it. I like getting to know Jace, but I have to wonder about the narration about Katie. I'd almost have him ruminating about the comparison between Katie and Merci rather than a telling of his background. Have him observe her hand, how the milkiness is such a contrast to the tanned hands that he's accustomed to. How he loves the natural milky color compared to the oompa loompa shade he's seen too often. How Merci seems so "real" and "innocent" compared to the cliché relationship he had. The dive into thought rather than a telling of his past will allow the reader to "live in" the moment with Jace as he stares at her hand.

Ok. And then the analogy at the end of "You can't hand a man a basketball and expect him to make a touchdown. It's something else entirely". C'mon! This is so well done. Your voices for both characters are so strong and your use of diction and variation in sentence structure enhances the overall emotion of each. Well done my friend ☺ -PipSqueeks88

Follow this Winner:PipSqueeks88

1st Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd Runner Up: IVM992

Final Author's Note: Let me start out by saying it was extremely hard for me to pick a winning comment. Everyone brought something new to my attention that could be improved, and for that I'm very grateful. It was the inspiration I needed to fight through the rough patches and keep on writing. You are all very lovely company!

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Author #2: GreatGustav

Book Title: A Tale That Never Was

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/48110461-a-tale-that-never-was

Specified Chapter: Chapter 1 Red Riding Hood [Protagonist: Selvina]

Summary Thus Far in Book: None Provided

Author's Note: I guess all I really want to know is if you readers enjoy the chapter and if it flows smoothly. If there is any confusion anywhere let me know and if you have any notes or tips I'm all ears. I don't really know what else to add except that I hope you enjoy the chapter!

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre: Fantasy

Winning Comment: 

You have good real-time descriptions and the pace is great. This is definitely a good, different take on the classic fairy tale. Someone from our time gets thrown into a fantasy world and meets Red Riding Hood, and the characters are not like the stories we've heard. Good action and tension and the fact that you open with the MC running from men with axes, definitely drew me in. There are a few misplaced commas though they don't really take away from the read. Some of your sentences are a bit wordy which slows the pace at certain points (though it's certainly not often). I will include some edits below that I think will help tighten the read (and some are grammatical). This chapter is really well done, held my attention and I'll be reading on :) -Tegan1311

Follow this Winner: Tegan1311

1st Runner Up: swiftiegirl1010

2nd Runner Up: NikkiS

Final Author's Note: Ok, first off, I loved EVERY SINGLE COMMENT, just to get that out of the way. I know we hear this a lot but it really was terribly difficult to pick a winning comment and dear god the runner ups were even more difficult. I really hate trying to place one comment on top of another but I chose this one because the commenter went in great detail (there is a list of edits that I didn't show as it wasn't really a "comment") and pretty much dissected my story like a lab experiment and showed me many places that could use a few touch-ups and work. I admit it was jarring to see at first but it did make a lot of sense and is exactly what I needed to see. Several other commenters did the same but she just went in great detail so that's why I picked her as the winner. I DO VALUE ALL OF YOUR COMMENTS! Please don't think any of yours meant nothing to me because they were all amazing and I loved reading every single one of them. Thank you all so much for reading my chapter and I think most of you liked it too so thank you so much for that too. You people are all amazing, truly. I mean that. :)

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Author #3: HotEyed

Book Title: Summer With The Eastons

Book Link: https://www.wattpad.com/story/41392066-summer-with-the-eastons

Specified Chapter: Two- Meeting The Eastons [Protagonist: Ellen Pierce]

Summary Thus Far in Book: None provided

Author's Note: Hi there all of you amazing contestants of this super amazing contest. Firstly, I want to thank DawnStarling for helping us new or undiscovered writers to get our work noticed by starting this contest. (Your very welcome - DS)

The first chapter is like a Prologue so you can skip it if you want (but it'd be be best if you want to know about Kevin if you read the first chap) Also, this is my first time writing a story and English is not my first language so excuse my Grammatical mistakes. :') (Grammar obsessed peeps please no harsh comments on grammar -.- okay?)

I want to know if my story is interesting enough to make you want to read further or not? Do you like Ellen's Character? Can you relate to her Character in any way? Does she make you laugh? Is Chase hot enough :P? I know my story is cliche and all but hey? It's my first ever story after all, so bear with me!

I want all of you to be very honest if you hate the story, hate the plot just say it (but please be a little considerate with words :P I have a heart too) haha and If you like it then Please Vote! ^^

I'll be waiting for your comments and votes people! Have a lovely day!

Chapter Rating: PG

Genre:Teen Fiction

Winning Comment: 

I want to stress first and foremost that you are great story teller and you are able to a move pace quickly with just dialogue. For starters, you kept up the excitement from the previous chapter and I liked the twist that happened - Ellen and her brother now have to, suddenly, spend their summer in California. Twists are always a good thing. The positioning of this twist was appropriately done. By the way, I hope it is explained at some point in this story why Kevin all of a sudden showed interest in Ellen. But I digress.

Anyway, there are a few logistical things you should take care of. One is why didn't the mum let Ellen know of the trip earlier that day when she saw Ellen (and discussed Ellen's boyfriend situation instead of a potential life changing trip)? If the decision to travel had taken place sometime after the mum saw Ellen (which would make little sense) then you might have to explain how they could so quickly find flights for Ellen, flights for the parents, figured out lodging in different countries in so short a time. I like how you throw in this twist but it seems unrealistically sudden. I also suspect and really appreciate that this was a nice dramatic way to get to the crux of the story. and you did a good job with that but you also need to add a touch of realism.

Here is what I suggest. When Kevin texts her in the previous chapter, have him schedule the date to be five days from that day and let it be such that he has very important stuff to do and is completely unable to meet anytime before the 'date' . Then, have Ellen's parents present the trip as some sort of surprise to Ellen.

For instance, make it such that Ellen has always wanted to go to California so that her parents presents the trip as a gift to Ellen and not as something over which she has no say or option -the parent's sound a little selfish when they say Ellen has to go spend summer with people she has never met and that it is going to be the next day all because they don't really spend time together. Also, if this is a kind of 'surprise' gift trip, it will also give the impression to the readers that the parents already have everything planned out, plane tickets and all, and make the trip be in two/three days time not the next day (just so that Ellen's parents sound considerate and it appears more realistic). Then you can continue on with the dialogue were Ellen expresses some disappointment (or is torn by the offer as she also wants to spend summer with Kevin but still LOVES Cali) ...you can then have the parents reveal that they ACTUALLY want to spend some time together etc

I didn't have a whole lot of issues with the rest of the writing and chapter but I'd add the following: You have a very casual writing style that is good for making your character's thoughts and personality traits more transparent and somewhat relatable to the reader. I like it and I know you warned us that there will be grammatical hiccups but I will encourage you nevertheless to continue working on your grammatical structure and skills (something I struggle with).

Thanks for sharing and keep writing! - Medscifi

Follow this Winner: Medscifi

1st Runner Up: ariel_paiement1

2nd Runner Up: PipSqueeks88

Final Author's Note: Firstly, I want to thank all of you Awe-some peeps who took their time out and read and commented on my story!

Now about the winner, I chose Medscifi comment because it was just what I needed. Very helpful, very honest. You actually read the first chapter and then commented on the second. I loved that. You really paid full attention to the chapter and left a very insightful comment. The idea you gave me about the plot was also very nice. I'll be using it. :) Thanks again buddy!

ariel_paiement1 and PipSqueeks88, If I could, I'd chosen both of you as a winner too but unfortunately I couldn't.

You both gave me such helpful comments and I can't be thankful enough for your honest and amazing feedback.

You pointed out the major mistakes and also told me about how to fix them. Thank you so much. I'll be using your advises. I'll also ask for your help in future if you don't mind? Thanks again ladies for helping me out. xx

lastly, I actually received so much criticism haha, mostly about my Grammar being bad and I won't lie here I actually got sad and disheartened at first but then, I thought, HEY? they're actually trying to help me polish my story and that will be very helpful for me. I'll improve and will be able to write better so I should welcome all the criticism and so I did.

Thanks again all of you wonderful people who helped me noticing the flaws in my story! I'll be working on my mistakes.

Have a great day! :) xx

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Steps:

1. Go to EACH of the Author's Profile Page and Find the Book specified by the Author.

2. Write one Comment per Author but DO NOT write it here. Write it in the Author's own Comment Section. Be sure to Answer the COMMENT TOPIC and pay attention to the Author's Note.

- (Do not Comment on here. Only comment on this page if you have questions or comments pertaining to the directions)

3. All comments must include the #NBR. If you do NOT include #NBR in your comment then your comment is DISQUALIFIED. Do this: #NBR then Comment. If you forget to hashtag, simply post another comment mentioning #NBR.

4. Comments must be 3 sentences or more - remember the Quality Comment thing?

Remember: DIPLOMACY is defined as: the art of dealing with people in a sensitive and effective way

Remember: Never judge a book by its cover.

Remember: #NBR then write the comment.

Remember: Do not give up on the chapter. The Author chose it for a reason.