Oooh! look! It's a star! Someone PRESS it!

✔︎ Commenting time frame (CST): 1/22 - 1/29 

✔︎  Moderator: DawnStarling

Announcement: Every week, spotlight members thank the Board Directors who help run NBR. Funny thing---no one knows who they are! Take a moment to check out the newly published NBR Board of Directors Chapter so you can thank these people individually! 

Comment Topic: The devil is in the details. Too little detail and your character wanders aimlessly through the narration equivalent to an empty stage. Too much detail and your reader will skip and skim. Many times, it's about striking the perfect balance. Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about. 

Comment Tip: Don't forget to praise the quality of the Authors' work if need be. It's important for them to know what they are doing well. 

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Author #1: FayLane

Book Title:  The Myriad Chronicles | Book One: The Reader

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter One

Summary:  When the magical land of Ther finds its very reality beginning to disintegrate, a young warrior is sent into the Myriad to seek a Reader— one who can shape worlds with the power of imagination.

Author's Note:  Hello there!

I'm shaking in my boots! Lordy, I hope I survive this...

This little doozy is a Fantasy/Adventure story based on an idea I had ages ago (I'm talkin' 8th Grade, folks) and is my first foray onto Wattpad. While not the most stunningly original tale ever told, I wanted to have some fun and improve my overall writing skills, so here we are! I will do my utmost to answer all of your comments, so if I become mysteriously absent assume my internet has gone kablooie.

I want to thank you all in advance for your time and (doubtlessly) invaluable critiques. I am half agony, half hope...

Q 1): What was the most interesting element of this chapter? I tried to write an opening that will tempt readers onto the next scene without feeling too rushed. I'd love to know if there was anything that hooked your interest or could be improved in that regard.

Q 2): Was this chapter too confusing? The first and last parts take place in a different POV, and I tried to give enough info to move the plot along without revealing everything at once. The book takes place from a few POVs, and I've tried to create a distinctive voice for each.

(I know some of you disapprove of multiple POVs in general but I find it works for this particular story)

Q 3): I've been told by some that my descriptions are too heavy-handed, and by others that they are too far and few between. I've tried to find a balance between the two. I would like to know what you, the esteemed members of NBR, think about my descriptions, and if you have any thoughts on how I can improve in this respect?

In-line comment preference: Accepted

Genre: Fantasy/Adventure

Rating: PG

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➤ Winning Comment:

Hi Faera, as with all the spotlighted authors, you will likely receive both criticism and compliments. Nothing to be afraid of because both do you good. Though I don't think you'll get so much criticism as can be dished out because your writing is really solid, gramatically correct, and evocative.

What bothers me, and I know you must have been told this before, is your telling. You don't need to tell. You've got a great ability to concisely reveal the details by inference. I understand you want to get straight into the action, which won't mean much without the details you told, but this is the puzzle solving that makes great writing shine. You can do this, and you should, because everything else you've done is brilliant and being horribly let down by it. At times I felt like you didn't even try and avoid telling because the solution was right there at your finger tips. You open with telling, and then moments later we've got a protagonist that could've revealed exactly the same information through his experience. Let me do a dreadful job of correcting it roughly, just to make my point:---Example---Lorn Claymore tilted his dark face skyward, feeling the sun warm his skin, and breathed in deeply, soaking in the memories of the summer air smelling of ash. He opened his eyes to see the dragons heading East, mustering their forces to Shard Mountain. Jeweled scales glinted in the daylight as they coasted on their powerful, leathery wings.They came from over the tall trees behind him, the edge of Ald Forest, and headed over the swaying fields of Dwel Valley.A frown creased his forhead, this did not bode well. --Italic thoughts--The Svards must have broken their truce yet again. Sometimes, it seems like the battle over Shard will never cease. Fire and steel, clashing into eternity...--End of Italics-----End example--- #NBR 2 of 7I know that's not how you'd have written it, but it is a quick example of turning telling into showing. This is particularly important for the start of chapter one while you're hooking the reader in.CT: Name three things you would have liked the writer to be more descriptive about. One: The location of the Spindleglass. It is on a chain, is of critical importance when travelling worlds, so I assumed the chain was around his neck. Especially since he 'took' it and used it, rather than 'retrieved' or 'dug out of his bag'. But later he puts it into his bag, setting himself up to be separated from the item that can bring him home. Two: The reason for him travelling, the disolving of reality, is not made clear here. Maybe that was clear in a previous chapter, and if so fine. But while you've shown in writing Guin that you can communicate emotions clearly, we've little insight into how Lorn feels except that he has a lot on his shoulders. So maybe let us into Lorn a bit more.Three: What is Lorn wearing? It is improbable that his culture is the same as Guin's and this will be the first thing that Guin will notice about him. I think I'd like to feel that surprise coming by knowing how strangely he is dressed. I really hope it is imaginatively alien and not just a throwback to an equally improbably match to some historical period of England. I enjoyed the description, which means more doesn't hurt. I particularly liked "save a faint, bitter scent of stardust."Other descriptions like, "pressed her knees against the glove compartment." are powerful because they tell me how she feels, her age/size, and how long she's been enduring the ride. #NBR 3 of 7Then there are moments where you throw the reader out with telling, when it can easily be avoided. For example, "Uncle Hawk, never the..." is plain telling that could have been brought into the present with an action. e.g.: "A sigh brought her attention back inside, and she looked over at Uncle Hawk, his lips pressed together in grim silence... ...she assumed he was thinking about her big sister... etc. I enjoyed, "words of comfort that echoed hollow, like screams in an empty house." because it evoked in me the sudden rush of adrenalin bad news brings, even when told using the nice words."She couldn't raise her voice against the roaring silence of their grief." Another great sentence. I like it that you're being brave enough to use poetic language to tell the story, but don't litter the writing with so much of it that it becomes pretentious. Every time that you've used poetic language, it has had the intended emotional impact and worked rather than was just clever.I think a great writer is one that tells a great story in such a way that the reader does not notice the writer at all. By using poetic devices effectively, you make your tale more compelling without distracting me from the narrative. Well done."without Evelyn occupying the second bed." Another great touch. It is incidents like this that tell me as a reader that you're really there and feeling it as you write. This gives me confidence that your whole story will be cohesive and believable. That is such an important but difficult thing to achieve early on in a book."death warmed over, with freckles." Again, another moment where you must have really been there in the story to realise how, when your skin is pale from crying, you notice freckles more, because they stand out then.#NBR 4 of 7 1) What was the most interesting element of this chapter?Guin's emotional situation. I'm seeing plenty of potential in the Narnia like situation of visiting a Gothic house in the country and travelling to new worlds. In a hero looking for a 'reader' to sew reality back together and so on, but as you said yourself, these are not new stories. Though Inkheart was not about reality so much as a romp to correct past mistakes. But setting up such a powerful emotional backdrop to the story made it unique and interesting. I also like it that she's not an orphan and while separate from parents, there is a good reason and its accepted as a short term thing.I think that people who read this genre are generally interested in the magic system. Also, for there to be any tension in the story, the magic system needs to be explained and limited enough that it can't solve everything easily. As a reader, I would want to know soon that there are hard limits on what can be done.2) Was this chapter too confusing, The book takes place from a few POVs?"She laced up combat boots," Here, or the start of its paragraph, we shift POV back to Guin with no separation marker. I'm not sure why we needed to be in Lucille's POV at all, unless it was just to foreshadow that we'll be back in her head soon. Even so, I don't think there is enough value in that to justify the short episode. The narrator's voice didn't change noticeably between POVs, but the change was still clear and didn't cause confusion. I think that the narrator for both Guin and Lucille could get away with being very similar, but because Lorn comes from another world, you have an opportunity to give that narrator a very different voice, even an odd, second language syntax feel could work there.Either way, you are doing well here, but always make sure that a change of POV is marked with some paragraph separating punctuation marks.(Reply): I think other comments on the break in tension is likely to be due to the POV shift, even if they didn't recognise it. Fixing that will keep the tension. And yes, the first part could stand on its own. #NBR 5 of 73) think about my descriptions?I've opted for this to be my no-response question because the CT covers it anyway.Inconsistencies:"This tiny machine would allow him to keep real time in a place where one minute could last a thousand years." Means that if "the Council allowed" the gates to stay open for only fifteen minutes, Lorn's got a cruisy 15,000 years to get the job done. But the phrase is not clear on who gets the minute and who gets the years. This could mean that if he takes 15 minutes to do the job, it was pointless because 15,000 years have passed in Ther. Grammar: Normally I put heaps of notes under this heading, and I was looking, but hey, nothing. If there was anything that needed correcting, it was minor, or I was too hooked into the story to notice. Good work.Notes:"Their endless conflict would have little consequence if his mission failed." I think that the reason I found this sentence a bit confusing is that 'endless conflict' implies little consequence anyway. I know this is not true and it can cause misery for all in that area though. But even the outcome, continued misery for the area, is not something that a 'mission' would hope to achieve. I understand that this sentence is intended to introduce Lorn's motivation, but because the outcome is continued conflict, it fails to work as a motivator. From "Scant supplies" to "stay their decision" is all telling. I understand that knowing this is important to the story. But it might be worth looking at which moment in the story each of these facts become important and seeing if they can be delivered more smoothly closer to that moment.(Reply): Yes, I could tell you write from behind the camera in your mind's eye, as I do the same. But readers don't sit beside you, they hover around the MC's head. So while your opening is brilliant for a screenplay, it is disengaging for a reader. Something I also struggle with. But you do much better than I do at pointing your camera at the invisible emotions.(Reply): As for the time difference, you don't need the details in the first chapter at all, but you do need him to take stock of the time on it when he leaves his world. The reader will understand the device as he uses it later. #NBR 6 of 7"not exactly good conversation material." This is a very flippant comment/thought coming from the sister of a dying girl. I took it to mean that she's heartless and hates her sister. If that wasn't your intention it might be worth addressing. *reads on some more* Then I read, "It was the first time she'd cried since this nightmare began" and I thought that maybe she had been flippant to keep the emotions at a distance because she was shielding herself with denial. That would make sense if she hadn't cried yet. At least now I'm sure she loves her sister, a lot."Once or twice, Evey was coherent" I don't think giving her a full name and a diminutive from the same narrator worked for me. If the narrator thinks of her as one, but others use a different name, that would be okay."When they finally pulled up in front of her uncle's Gothic farmhouse" Australia has no Gothic farm houses, so it took me a moment to try and picture that. But also, the word Gothic made me think 'ooh other world connections can happen in those sort of places.' I think 'Gothic country house' would paint a clearer image for me while still reinforcing the idea that they are away from dense population. "Usually, Lucille's food..." This paragraph feels like you're going for humour, but it conflicts with the ominous mood and situation. "whole library again" Gothic, and now 'library' and I put that together with the info about needing a 'reader' and so I have my hero."find the solution" Solved and solution should be great friends, but they didn't fit will in this sentence, instead sounding like repetition. I wouldn't even bring it up, but your prose flows so beautifully, that this little thing stood out. Overcome would work instead of 'solved' and hint at the story arc that readers are expecting.(Reply): I agree. He you love it, write it. Don't be different, be enthralled. There's still plenty of room for originality and because your characters have their own depth, it doesn't feel derivative. #NBR 7 of 7"to greet her aunt." This surprised me because at her first mention, she was missing the 'aunt' title despite Hawk being titled with Uncle Hawk for his introduction. Maybe refer to her as Aunt Lucille in the first instance. E.g. "Usually, Aunt Lucille's food was great...""in cold blood" I couldn't imagine a situation where emotionless and calculated murder would be appropriate for her editor. Then if an editor is not being pedantic, they're hardly doing their job as an editor. So it remained confusing."No more tears... ink and memory... escape..." This was clear enough to tell me Lorn was listening to Guin's thoughts. You'd been clear about all three points when in Guin's POV. Well done.What a mix this chapter was. Well paced with great descriptions, tending towards the poetic, but used really effectively. Patches of telling that could easily be fixed, a curious emotional backdrop and realistic characters with depth. I even like where you ended it so that it completes a section but hooks you into the meeting of worlds. I've commented on a few different aspects, but am not sure how well I communicated my points, so please just ask if something doesn't make sense. Good luck with taking all the different advice and deciding what to keep and act on. Hopefully many of the tips you get will be things that you can consider for all of your chapters and boost your already great skills to the next level.

➤ Network with this winner: TimothyMarsh

➤ 1st runner up: confabler

➤ 2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Phew, what a whirlwind of information and insight that was! Thank-you everyone, you were all fabulous. As anyone who's been spotlighted knows, it's well-nigh impossible to pick just 3 winning comments when one is overrun with such an astounding plethora of varied feedback, but in the end, the winning comments were the ones that made me go: By God, I think I've got it! 

@TimothyMarsh hit on some very helpful insight into my telling vs showing.
@confabler volunteered some invaluable info on some technicalities pertaining to Evelyn's medical condition.
And @AhsokaJackson provided some incredibly helpful grammar critiques.
Shout-out to @SamSchloesing for his entertaining banter.
Thank-you all so much for your time and effort. I can't wait to get started on my new and improved chapter!

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Author #2 [Triple Crowner]: infinitysbeyond

Book Title: The Viper's Venom

Spotlight Chapter: Depending on the Winner

Summary: N/A (The only thing you need to know is that the MC, Amber, works for a terrorist organisation named Poison, but that's pretty much said in the chapter.)

Author's Note: Hello! I'm so excited to be spotlighted again! Huge thanks to Dawn and the board members for keeping this running, swiftiegirl1010 for introducing me to NBR, and all the members of this amazing group :)

Here are my questions:

1. Pacing. I wanted to know if you felt as though the chapter was too rushed/too slow. What can I do to improve the pacing?

2. I haven't written a fight scene in a while, so I thought I might have been rusty in this chapter. I was wondering if it was all shown alright or if it felt more 'told'. If it's not as good as it can be, what can I do to improve the fight?

3. Is there anything else you thought I could improve on? If yes, please explain how.

I can't tell you all how much I appreciated the edits you made last time, so thank you for that and for this in advance!

In-line comment preference: Welcome

Genre: Action

Rating: PG-13

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➤ Winning Comment: 

the only thing I'm seeing here is the character herself. We know what she's wearing, but have no idea what she herself looks like. Other than that, though, it feels like things are covered: Her bike? Check. The landscape at the beginning, middle, and end of her trip? Check. The club? Check. The fight emcee? Check. The opponent? Check again! Even the two guys fighting in the ring get enough of a description for their purposes; they're barely more than extras and likely will not be reappearing, so their status as combatants and physical state in terms of injuries are the things of significance here. I couldn't care less about, say, their hair or eye colors. Now, describing your main character can be a tricky thing to incorporate without having it feel forced, and in this case we already have lots of description about other things in the chapter, so we don't want to get all bogged down. So I think any additions in that aspect should likely be minimal. One thing I think we could gracefully incorporate is hair. Unless I missed it, there's no mention of Amber's hair length, color, or style. And that actually does matter for the fight; if she has long to medium hair—or even certain shorter styles—her hair could potentially get in her face, her eyes. She may have to brush a few stray locks back, or she may even secure her hair in some way right before the fight. Author's Questions: Hello again, Carina! Hope you've been doing well. Let's get on with it!

1. Pacing. I wanted to know if you felt as though the chapter was too rushed/too slow. What can I do to improve the pacing?I actually think the pacing worked really well here. The fight itself—and the conversation within it—moved quickly, but that made sense; no need to drag out a fight and have both participants beaten to a pulp when the first itself is just a means to an end. And you took your time in the lead-up to the fight, which kept the chapter from feeling too brief or rushed. So I actually think you handled the pacing well here.2. I haven't written a fight scene in a while, so I thought I might have been rusty in this chapter. I was wondering if it was all shown alright or if it felt more 'told'. If it's not as good as it can be, what can I do to improve the fight?Fight scenes? Heh...I might love watching them, but I honestly get freaked out myself at the thought of trying to write one.I do think you did a solid job here, though, and it actually seems like you're already following the rules from this great post I found by Randy Ingermanson. (Actually, it's a collection of three connected posts he wrote on the topic.)As I noted, you already seem to be following these rules pretty well, but having them as a concrete checklist may still be of some use to you.Also, there's an online story with a fight scene that came to mind for me. I don't quite know what kind of grade Randy would give this one, but I thought the author did a pretty good job in writing what felt like fairly complex choreography—the type that you'd normally see in visual media, where you can simply see and observe things rather than the author having to communicate each thug to you directly. Ironically enough, despite not even speaking English as a first language, she quite likely does a better job than I'd do!

Ps. This is mid-story, and there's a lot of established background to the male character, so you likely won't get the references (like the pants comment) unless you already know about him. Feel free to ask me if you have any questions, though; more than glad to clarify things!

3. Is there anything else you thought I could improve on? If yes, please explain how.Well, I do have my notes regarding punctuation, grammar, phrasing, etc. They're located below.Additional Notes:Some quick notes before we start: (Refresher on my editing approach)For my edits, I'll simply show the revised version of a sentence or paragraph, and then note within brackets what changes were made—and may also elaborate on why, if I feel further explanation of the change is needed. Also, because my edits often involve punctuation, I try to keep things exact. For example, if a specific sentence was at the beginning of a multi-sentence quote, so it has an opening quotation mark but not a closing one, then that's how I'll write it in my revision. Also, since I can't italicize comments, I use asterisks to mark off the scope of italicization when needed. Additionally, in order to avoid having comments automatically flagged, I have to alter cursewords by using alterations, like accent marks that aren't normally present in the word. Please just disregard those when you see them. All right, then—here we go!Ps. If any of my comments come off tersely, they're not intended that way; it tends to be an issue of time. The less time I have to spare, the more sparse ad direct I'll be in my writing. And of course I'll make subsequent notes shorter when addressing an issue I've already covered. Sometimes "semicolon added" or "unneeded comma removed" is all I feel is needed. First (starting with blurb) : Questions arise, and Amber finds herself wondering whether the poison threat has got to do with the man the intelligence officer wanted to catch or if it's nothing more than rumours spurred by the fact that her organisation's name is Poison. [Changed "spurring from" to "spurred by."]Next: Whatever it is, she needs answers and there is only one way that she is going to get them: by fighting fire with fire. [Changed period to semicolon.]Next (moving on to chapter now) : It was too bad that said person was an army officer who believed Poison was no more than a terrorist organisation. [Changed "the said person" to "said person."You can either say "the person" or "said person," but not "the said person."]Next: It was a sleek thing, with two fairly wide tyres and a curved hump before the seat. A tinted windshield protected the controls, save the throttles and brakes. [Removed hyphen between "fairly" & "wide." Changed "breaks" to "brakes."]Next: The corners of her lips twitched as it roared to life. Any semblance of a smile faded the moment she backed away from the house. [This just feels abrupt...you seem to be indicating that she was happy at the prospect of getting on her bike, but then suddenly snapped into a more serious mode as soon as she pulls out. That seems too sudden and random, especially with no real external element triggering the change.]Next: The winding path became gravelly, almost as though the road had been poorly scraped off the ground but its remains had been left alone. [Changed "gravely" to "gravelly"—the two are completely different words.That issue notwithstanding, I really like your description right here!]Next: Towers and towers of glass blocked out most of the sunlight, casting shadows upon the ground. [Changed "buildings" to "towers." "Buildings" is a pretty plain and vague word to use here, plus it sounded a bit odd.]Next: Amber didn't hesitate to walk towards the entrance and push her way into the barely lit room. [Removed hyphen between "barely" & "lit." This link has more examples and whatnot, but to state it very quickly: you generally don't hyphenate "-ly" adverbs with the adjectives they describe.]Next: Clearly, the two were newbies if they were four and a half minutes in and had only aimed at each other's face. [You had some inconsistency here; you used a plural possessive—"opponents'"—but then used "face," singular. If you're talking of both combatants collectively, then there are a total of two faces. But if you're talking individually, from the perspective of a given fighter, then he is targeting one face on one opponent.So it's either gonna be: opponents' facesOr: opponent's faceIn my case, I chose a third option and used "each other," which is singular. In other words, the fighters aimed at the face of each other person there inside the ring. Of course, it's just the two of them, so there's only one "other" present for each guy to fight. Guy A punches Guy B's face, and vice versa.]Next: The crowd seemed to know it too, for they barely flinched when the man in the red corner suffered a blow to his nose. [Changed "crowed" to "crowd." Added comma before "for." Changed "on the red corner" to "in the red corner."]Next: It wasn't long before the match was over and the two men were pushed out of the ring, both with bloody faces but intact bones. [Removed comma between "faces" & "but." Changed "in-tact" to "intact."]Next: "Neither of you've got no weapons?"She bit her tongue to stop herself from pointing out that he'd technically assured that both of them had weapons, and instead shook her head along with Stone. [Changed comma placement here, moving it to after "weapons" rather than after "instead."And I like that you added this part; I had a giggle over it, especially since that's the kind of thing I'd notice myself—"don't got no weapons" technically means they each have at least one weapon! Haha!]Next: Her lips curled, Amber outstretched her hand towards the officer.Stone shook it once with a firm grip. "Ms. Dane, I suppose?"She said nothing."Do you have the intel?" [Changed the paragraphing here, especially since it's important for clarity.Great information on the topic: see link in contest round comment sectionNext: "Because, Stone, you work for the army."His eyes widened.She chuckled. "What, you didn't think we knew who you were? Why else would we contact you? If we thought that you were just some guy with a vendetta against Poison like you claimed, why would we ask for your help?" [Paragraphing. Also, changed "we knew who you are" to "we knew who you were."]Next: She opened her mouth and closed it once more, ensuring that he hadn't done too much damaged. [Changed "to" to "too."]Next: Stone could only stare at her, shocked. "You want my help to stop Brandt?"She rolled her eyes.A crease formed on his forehead before he let out a sigh. He bowed his head slightly. [Paragraphing.]Summary: This chapter did have some issues with spelling, punctuation, sentence paragraphing and the like.However, there was plenty of vivid description and it did its job well. The pacing was also nicely done; it was fast when it needed to be, and more moderate at other parts to keep the chapter overall from getting a rushed feeling. And I feel like the fight was also pretty solid and showed plenty of thought and care on the writer's part, as did the rest of the chapter.Well, I hope my notes here turn out to be of some use to you. Good luck!

➤ Network with this winner: AhsokaJackson

➤ 1st runner up: Echo4Echo

➤ 2nd runner up: PassengersOfWind

➤ Final Author's Note: 

Hello everyone! I'd like to give a huge thanks to everyone who gave their input for this chapter, you were all a tremendous help. You make it so hard to choose only 3 winners!

But honestly, thank you. Every single review (both received and given) in this amazing community constantly works to make us all better writers. A final thanks to all the board members of NBR for (somehow) managing to make this all so great!

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Author #3: ericdabbs

Book Title: TITAN X

Spotlight Chapter: Chapter 1

Summary: N/A

Author's Note: I'm thrilled about being in the spotlight this week. Thank you for the opportunity, Dawn Starling, and the rest of the moderators who organize NBR.

My first question concerns the flow of action. Since the majority of this scene takes place underwater, there is only a line or two of dialogue toward the end. Does the action flow from beginning to end without being slowed down by unnecessary description?

Second question: Deals with the description itself. Is the description vivid enough to easily picture the scene as it unfolds?

Third question: Does the opening paragraph grab your attention and make you want to keep reading?

In-line comment preference: welcome

Genre: Science Fiction

Rating: PG-13, but there is some violence and blood (a shark is involved)

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➤ Winning Comment:

  "#NBR 1
Your chapter reminded us of something that might've happened to Peter Benchley! (He's the author of Jaws, but he spent a lot of time underwater dealing with sharks and things similar. But luckily he didn't lose an arm. Or a person.)

Hello @ericdabbs!

What a lovely, clever paragraph you've got going here! We're just going to jump right in and begin. For your third question (which is the first one we'll be answering today) concerns the first paragraph. And it did hook us. Well--the first line even hooked us and then the paragraph after that hooked us. We wanted to know what on earth (or underwater ;)) he was shooting, why he was hesitating for a fraction of a second. The only thing we would suggest is that you take off "the hunter" at the end of that paragraph because the first line, "I hesitate for a fraction of a second and then rush the shot," already implies that he's a hunter, and so will later paragraphs. So "The hunter" distracts just a little from the flow of the paragraph because we already knew that. (But that's just a suggestion--everything we say here is, as always, just a suggestion!)

Your first question asks about the flow of action in this scene since it's taking place underwater. Generally, we understood everything that was happening and the MC responded just as an MC should respond if his arm got bitten off by a shark...shocked. Terror-less, only shocked. We felt like you did a great job with his reactions, like when you said, "Reason flees from me." This is the exact kind of response we would've expected from a victim of a shark attack, but one of the things we wanted to point out is that everything that the Main Character (Phoenix Drake?) is thinking seems very...outside." #wattpad


"#NBR 2

For example, one of your sentences here states, "My thoughts fail to process what happened." But a shark attack victim is not going to be thinking, "My thoughts are failing to process what happened." They would be TRYING to piece together what happened, and failing. We suggest that you SHOW us his thoughts that are piecing together what happened rather than telling us that they're failing. Are his thoughts
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with with shock? How is he trying to piece together what happened? Is he thinking in fragments of sentences? Maybe you could try "My blood. My arm isn't attached to my body. The water roars." Or just sharp, jerky sentences here.

We love how you describe the shark coming, (before it bit off the MC's arm). You said as though it 'materializes' through a curtain, which was so cleverly detailed! We also like the quick-pace of when the shark does bite down on the character's arm. It took us a second to register what was happening, too, as well as the character would've, so excellent job with that! One thing we did like to point out before we continue on writing about your flow of action, is the sentence structure right when the shark bit the character...you used several descriptors (and don't get us wrong, they were great descriptors,) but we feel as though you could change up the sentence structure just a bit because it drew us out of the story a little. For this part we're talking about, you said:

"The shark swings its head towards me, opens its mouth and bites down, revealing pinkish white gums, bordering rows of ivory teeth."

We feel like this is a description inside of a description, and as stated previously, it pulled us out of the story because if the shark bites down, how can it reveal pinkish white teeth? Did you mean that when the shark's mouth was open, the mouth revealed pinkish white gums?. We suggest saying something similar to this:

"The shark swings its head towards me, opens its mouth to reveal pinkish-white gums that" #wattpad

"#NBR 3
border rows of ivory white teeth, and it bites down." This feels as though it's more in a sequence, and therefore makes a little more sense.

Okay, back to the flow of action.

When Callisto is pulling the MC up to the surface, we liked that you stated his confusion, and how his sheer shock began taking over. The way you described Nova disappearing was also done very well, because it was slick as ice--One moment she was there, the next she wasn't. (Poor Nova!) That was straight to the point and moved the plotline of the story along, so well done with that.

Generally, you did swell with keeping the plotline paced and to-the-point, and other than those minor things we mentioned (like the showing of MC's thoughts rather than the telling, and that sentence structure), you did well.

Your (second?) questions that we're answering third mentions description.

You did a good job describing the events of what happened.

Things were happening and arms were getting bit off and his companions were frantic and you did a great job of showcasing this to your readers...like with the shark entering into the scene, that was really well done because we could see what was happening AS it was happening. Like, your description of how his arm was, "a severed, scraggy stump leaking ribbons of blood," was PHENOMENALLY WRITTEN and man we could just see the gore and grossness of it because of those words. You did a really awesome job of this part of description.

But if he wasn't hunting fish or there wasn't a shark involved, we'd have no idea that these characters were underwater.

Your description of events was there, but we couldn't seem to quite grasp what it was looking like underwater other than the starbursts of blood coming from the MC and the fish he'd just killed. We suggest describing what the character FEELS and HOW the environment IMPACTS the way that he feels. For example, is the light filtering in through the surface of the ocean alighting his vision well enough" #wattpad

"#NBR 4
to see what all is going on, or his his eyesight smudged with shadow? (We feel like it was light enough for him to see, though!). What sorts of things were drifting through the water, if any, and are they significant? What sounds is the MC hearing? The roar of the water, the thrum of pressure in his ears, the SWOOOOOSH of a shark's head? These are things that, as readers, we wanted to read a little more about. We feel that by adding these minor things such as his senses, you'd be able to strike a good balance between the two areas of description. This also goes with this week's Comment Topic, which deals with details. We think you did a great job with details because we understood what exactly was happening, but we do suggest going more in-depth.

One thing we really loved about your chapter, that was done really, really well, was how you detailed the shark-bite (and the stub that was his arm). We know we mentioned this earlier, but we just wanted to say that that part was done really well. His reactions were realistic and they show his characterization, and when the MC was thinking about how he would have to "caress Nova's sunkissed skin with a prosthetic arm," we really saw some great characteristics of him there. Great job with this!

Thank you so much for reading this review! Remember that these are all just opinions and suggestions and things and in no do way do you have to do any of these things, but we did want to say that you did a wonderful job with this chapter and we wanted to encourage you in letting you know that you CAN do this journey called writing, and to KEEP ON WRITING because you've got a gift for it! Best of luck to you and Titan X!

--Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, & Clary" #wattpad

➤ Network with this winner: PassengersOfWind

➤ 1st runner up: ChayAvalerias

➤ 2nd runner up: ColoradoKid420

➤ Final Author's Note: 

This was a great experience! I received a lot of praise and a lot of great tips on how to improve the first chapter of Titan X. I appreciate the time and attention to detail everyone put into my spotlighted chapter. I believe I definitely pinpointed several areas within the chapter where I can make improvements to make the beginning of my novel much better. Thanks NBR, and thanks to everyone involved.

📕 📗 📖 📘📙

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