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Announcements: Seasons greetings! Wishing you all have a very happy Christmas and a wonderful New Year from all of us on the board.

NBR will take a short break during the festive season, and we will be back on January 6th, 2017 with more spotlight authors and prompt challenges.

Commenting time frame (CST): Dec 16 to Dec 25

Comment Topic: Comment on the set-up of the scene in the chapter and how well the authors did it.

Moderator: mokbook

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Author #1: DragonGirl_97

Book Title: Magic's Revenge

Specified Chapter: CHAPTER 1: Kerensa

Summary Thus Far in Book: N/A

Author's Note: Oh my gosh, I'm just a little bit nervous at the moment (correction: really, really, gut-wrenching nervous) >.< "Okay, calm down Sagittarius, you can do it; just breath."

Just want to say thanks to JettaFrame for getting this book noticed for NBR and for introducing me to such an awesome community! I just love reading all the great stories in this recognition book and I've met some really cool people. Thank you to the NBR moderators and such for accepting my story as well!

Good golly gosh, I just don't know what to say. It's my first time getting my story spotlighted and I've had a complete mind blank on questions. Maybe if I start typing, something coherent might appear...

Question #1: As a first chapter, I wanted to slowly edge the reader into the story. Original, when I first posted this story way yonder in the past on Wattpad, I literally threw the reader straight in but then I didn't know how to explain how she ended up in the situation she did. And it's quite important. So my question to you is did you find this first chapter interesting enough to bring the reader into the story so that they will keep reading to discover what happens?

Question #2: I want to know what parts of the story and my writing worked for you i.e. descriptions, setting, character introduction and what didn't work for you i.e. weird dialogue, too many tense changes, confusing sentences filled with commas etc. and how I could fix them as well (if they are fixable).

In-line Comment Preference: Welcomed

Genre: Fantasy

Rating: PG-13

Winning Comment: Hi there! I might be a little rusty after a couple of weeks of vacation, but hopefully you might be able to find this little review to be of help. Congratulations on your spotlight! :D

CT: By set-up, I'll take it to mean setting: the general make-up of the world your character is in, as well as her immediate surroundings. I'll start with the latter.

It's quite clear where she is: a forest, where she's hunting for food. Quite straightforward and immediately apparent--which is brilliant. Because sometimes it's easy to lose sight of the big picture while focusing too hard on tiny details. Which is what I do quite often. Lol. Anyway, you've outlined the main scene, which is nicely tied into your character's actions (the act of hunting a rabbit).

As for the general worldbuilding...you know from the first sentence that it's not a modern-day setting. Which is good, because you immediately let the reader know what kind of time-period the story is set in, and thus let the reader know what to expect. We also know that your character is poor, since she has to live off the land and support her family, and that she really does have a thing against the upper class. XD

However, the story could have easily been taken as a historical fiction or adventure novel--until the very end. Where you have your character wonder about her abilities. Which is the first inkling we get of possible magical attributes in your world.

I like that you've managed to introduce the major conflict here--the king, his tyranny, and your character's resentfulness. I would, however, caution against telling/info-dumping, although you didn't seem to have fallen into that trap here. It could disrupt the pace if you aren't careful about how you reveal information. But consider it only as a bit of advice for the future, because I don't feel as you have info-dumped here. :D

Q1: As someone who devours fantasy novels faster than I eat (and I eat pretty fast), I do have a general understanding of common fantasy tropes. Not that I consider myself a professional or anything. Far from it.

Anyhow, I digress.

The point being, I think you may have fallen into a slightly cliche scene: the hunter's scene. Quite a few novels with a genre similar to yours use a hunting scene to start the story. Think Eragon, Hunger Games, and a lot of Wattpad novels.

However, I like the fact that you made her fail in the hunt. It's a nice change.

On the whole I thought the scene just a tad short--concise, to the point, but I would have enjoyed seeing a little more action. Because right now, the action in the chapter can be listed into three short points: she hunts and fails, she thinks about how she hates the king, someone comes to fetch her to take her to the king.

Those are good outlines, but expanding on them could make the chapter fuller, and richer. This is, of course, my personal opinion, as I prefer reading longer chapters with a higher content of action and description.

That being said, I think it's a good start, especially considering that we begin right where the fun stuff starts. I mean, you didn't start the story at a point where it's too far back, or too far forward; you started at exactly the right point.

Gee, I hope I made sense. XD

Q2: Some terminology has been used incorrectly, I think (tendrils of sun, for one)...although I won't linger too much on this point as quite a few people have already pointed out all these instances.

Also, since your story is set in a medieval-style time period, I would suggest keeping the vocabulary that you use consistent. The final sentence, you use "okay", which is not consistent with the time period that your story appears to be set in. You could be a little more careful with that in the future, methinks. ;)

I would suggest varying your sentence structure, also. I notice that you seem to like using long sentences. This could potentially cause confusion among your readers. So try to use short sentences every once in a while. Convoluted sentences with multiple subjects and actions can end up very very confusing. (For example, the sentence where your mc drops from the tree, takes the arrow and wipes it).

And try not to get too heavy-handed with semi-colons ( ; ). (That was me once upon a time XD). A semi-colon indicates that two complete phrases have been joined together--meaning that they can still stand alone as sentences of their own. So why not make it so, instead of letting the sentence stretch out too long? Of course, I don't ask you to omit them totally. Sometimes it is unavoidable. But reducing them can make your writing look cleaner. Easier to read. And easier to understand.

However, on the whole...I had a pretty good impression of your writing. You have a good enough understanding of the English Language as well as writing as an art form, to be able to write clearly, concisely and without too many errors.

One suggestion, as a fantasy reader/writer.

I'm a little iffy about the interaction between the knight and the mc. Obviously your MC, while rebellious, is presumably a peasant. Lol. And your knight is probably from a good family, as knights are usually from lords' families. Commoners become soldiers. Anyhow, I don't quite sense the arrogance that comes with being nobility, and being above your MC in social standing. (then again, it might just be his personality, but I'm just saying--people brought up in different classes will have different ways of speaking and acting, both among their own class and between other classes. Each class will have a healthy contempt of the other. Only, the upper class will express it more overtly, since, you know, they're upper class and they have more power and prestige.

I may have rambled a little. But I hope this has been of help. XD Have a good day, and best of luck!

Network with this winner: zuko_42 

1st runner up: PassengersOfWind 

2nd runner up: FayLane

Final Author's Note: Not provided

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Author #2: EisenMadchen

Book Title: Until The End

Specified Chapter: Chapter 3

Summary Thus Far in Book: In Germany 1934, the beloved president has died. Alisz and her family are thrown into the middle, taken by a Nazi army after a failed attempt to escape the country. Separated from her father and brother, Alisz finds courage she never knew she had. She even makes a new friend among the dark. Is this courage enough to save her?

Author's Note: This is my very first time in the spotlight, and I'm more than excited. :) I can't even think of a word for it. I've been waiting quite a while, and while reading all these other great books, gave me some help and advice. I think all of #NBR, @DawnStarling, and all the other moderators and members for this opportunity.

I'd like to note, this is my first book and its been going through a lot of editing. Grammar help is appreciated.

1) I've been working on characterization since forever. It seems to be a week point for me. I've been trying to build Alisz character as witty and full of courage and hope. As with Ryder, I've used dialect to set him apart from others as well. Can you se the characters well enough to connect with them and are they believable?

2) I've gotten mixed reviews about the action in this scene. I've tried to make it slow, not rushed, but it is very short at the end. Is there anything I can use with the action here: is it too rushed,, Does it bring out emotion? The very end is suppose to show Ryder's true self, so please keep that in mind.

In-line Comment Preference: Welcome

Genre: Historical Fiction

Rating: PG-13 due to violence and some gore.

Winning Comment: #NBR 

Hello, EisenMadchen!

These are all just suggestions and in no way do you have to take any of them at all! :)

First off, we'd just like to say that the graphic for this story is unique and really eye-catching, and that was how loads of our attention was pulled into the story. We're really excited to read about your story in this 1934 Germany, Pre-World-War-II setting. So with that, let's get on with the review :) →

>"The flowers still on the trees and the bushes of berries around them painted a beautiful scene, but in my head, I couldn't enjoy it." For this sentence here, 'the flowers still on the trees doesn't seem like a sentence, but we do know what you're trying to get across here; with that being said, we suggest that you change that sentence to make it more full and complete, so maybe something along the lines of "The flowers (were) still blooming on the trees and the bushes full of blood-red berries around them painted a beautiful scene, but in my head, I couldn't enjoy any of it." ? That was just a suggestion (as all of these are,) but it might make more sense based off what you're trying to get across with this sentence.

>"I looked out the window once more." Because the next sentence is, "Close to morning, the sun is rising over the trees," maybe you could add a description about what the sunrise looks like here; to add more of a complete, polished feeling to the paragraph. The readers are seeing what the character is seeing and so much more, so you we suggest that you paint that scenic view of what the sunrise looks like slipping up above the trees. Maybe you could try something like this? "I looked out the window once more. A crimson colored sun was slipping up above the slender line of clouds in the distance, shards of pink and orange marking the sky above to create a colorful morning."

And then the other thing we wanted to point out with that paragraph is that after Alisz says to Crystal, "Close to morning. The sun is rising over the trees," I replied." We suggest taking out the "I replied" here because it isn't needed. We already know who is speaking when you say "I looked out the window once more," so you could just say "I looked out the window once more. (sunrise description?) "Close to morning. The sun is rising over the trees." And then we suggest starting a new paragraph saying, "she slowly sat up, yawned, and rubbed her pale, cloudy eyes," and complete the new paragraph you just created by adding in the dialogue she speaks: "How can that be?..." So it might look something like this:

'She slowly sat up, yawned, and rubbed her pale, cloudy eyes. (beautiful description, by the way.) "How can that be? It felt like I only slept for a few moments."

>"It was quiet until we started laughing together. Crystal wiped away happy tears that came to her eyes." We were curious about the backstory of their friendship when it came to this point. It seems to us that they're best friends, and when Alisz starts joking about dreaming about guys, that got us curious. We suggest that you add some backstory about the two girls' friendship before they start laughing together so that way the reader can feel in on the connection as well. You could add in a tidbit on how they became friends, or just a smidge of why. You could have Alisz think, "This is why I loved Crystal so much. She made me laugh no matter what was happening, even if I did get separated from my brother and father" or something like that.

> "So that's why I dreamed of flying when I was sleeping. But I always fell," she said in a laughing voice." What does a laughing voice sound like? Could you show us rather than tell us what Crystal was saying in a laughing voice? You could say that she was still laughing as she spoke, or that laughter was still in her voice.

>We agree with FayLane and Hayleyautumns that the rags/blankets seems more like a list rather than prose, and feel that ragged blankets, rags and blankets, or blankets and rags would probably fit a little better.

>"she asked, breaking the happy mood." Tension is rising! You do a great job of breaking the tension with what Crystal was speaking about, and we can feel it bubbling and tipping through the continuation of the chapter. Very well-done here.

>"Crystal, I wish you wouldn't talk of that stuff. I do not wish to think of it." I looked out the window." Through your chapter, we've noticed that you've used "I looked out the window" twice already, making this the third time. Is there any possible way that you could change her action by something like, "My gaze returned to the trees zooming in and out of view outside of the window" ? You also say, "as I watched out the window," making this the fourth time that the term 'out the window' was used. Here you might want to show us what she's watching rather than just telling the readers that she's looking out of the window. She's watching the trees zoom past, the road bump beneath her, the sunrise, right? We suggest that you describe that and show it to us. Our suggestion to you is that you show us, the readers, how the earth looks, feels, sounds, and smells from inside of the truck from Alisz's point of view.

>We really like the description you use in the paragraph starting with, "Crystal closed her eyes slowly as I watched out the window." What you're doing here is showing a mask, a mask of a beautiful world that's marked by a sad, corrupted society. The way you expressed this was exquisite and elegant. We felt something here, something akin to angst and sadness, the same thing Alisz is feeling here. It can be so sad sometimes watching a beautiful outside and then recognizing that an inside is rotten....we feel that this is what you're doing here. It makes us painfully sad that she's experiencing the events that she is; but we also love the description that you're using to describe it. Very well done. You do this again with the roses and the lonely cottage, and that metaphor comparing the lone ugly world with sparks of hope to the cottage and the blooming beautiful roses is a really good one....since this is historical fiction, and we know what takes place after 1934, we know that that hope may not come directly or soon, but it'll surely come for these characters and everyone else. The way you've put the rose-and-cottage metaphor really tugged at our hearts because it makes us sad that there was a time when people had to go through that; and people are still going through that right now. But we just really liked the way you wove this feeling into words, and we certainly hope things will be looking up for these characters soon.

>"She nodded, understanding that I wasn't going to tell her that something is wrong." Since the story is being told in past tense, should this be, "something (was) wrong." ?

>The next few paragraph after this one are TENSION-ENTICING and wow, the words that this man is saying when you start with the paragraph "He spoke slowly, looking at all of us with sheer joy written on his face," makes our stomachs knot up with fear. And then the next paragraph that starts with "Crystal clung to me," really makes us fearful for them.

>"The vehicle has not yet started to move," could be changed to "The vehicle (had) not yet started to move" because you're using first-person past-tense.

Man, that ending made us sad :( (for the girl. Your writing there was great).

Okay, so with the CT, we think you did a pretty well job of setting up the scene. The only thing we noticed with it was that we wanted the visuals to be clearer. What we mean by this is:

Setting up a scene in the chapter requires a few things:

Setting--Check. You have your setting; Alisz is in 1934 Germany, and Alisz, Crystal, and the rest are all in the bed of a truck unknowing where they're being taken.

Characters (This is also your first question!)--Check. Characters are one of the vital things that set up a scene in the story; if they're memorable, your readers are going to remember them. Characters are the people telling the story, and people are all different...so characters should all be different and have mindsets that they own. We saw this in your story here, between Crystal and Alisz and even Ryder; we saw the dynamic of the relationship between Alisz and Crystal...great friends, there for each other and having each other's backs. We can see the characters you've created because you use sentences and stretches of dialogue like Crystal's worrying voice as she asks "Where do you think they're taking us?" and Alisz's fearful "I wish not to think about it."

So how could you improve?

Here's the thing. Feelings are how people connect with characters in stories. And we saw that fear was one of the big ones in your chapter, and fear is an easy thing for readers to connect with with the characters. Fear is something that everyone has felt at least once before, and it might not have been because people were split from their families during a pre-world war. For the modern day world, it might be the fear of losing a job, not being good enough, or knowing you have to admit a mistake. So what's common between your characters' fear and the readers' fear, and where is that connection? Fear itself. So we suggest making that fear a dynamic feeling in your story--that being said, making EMOTIONS themselves really noticeable. We noticed it was also one of the main feelings in your story; that and sadness and the bare, slight stretch of hope in the middle of the chapter.

Characters are going to feel fear and other emotions in a myriad of different ways; so how can you really pull out the emotion in them?

Actions.

What do you do when you're angry? Punch a pillow? What about when you're sad? Do you cry onto that same pillow, or do you write, or do you draw? These are all actions that people do when they feel certain emotions; and for your characters, they might tiny actions. We saw that Alisz kept gazing out the window. So what other things does she do that shows her fear, that shows how she's scared? You could have her biting her lower lip, or tapping a restless rhythm against her legs. You could even write a small tidbit of information on this....just a small paragraph describing what actions Alisz does that describes her feelings:

"In the silence, I turn my gaze back to the foggy window and watch the trees speed by. [action, action]. The bumps in the road are endless. My thoughts drift towards where our truck is headed, wondering where we're going and we'll get there. I suck on my bottom lip [action] and rake a restless hand through the matted locks of my hair [action.]"

Maybe you could try something like that?

But the moral of the story is this: Emotions are how readers feel connected with characters. Emotions can best be shown through actions.

Okay, what were we talking about before we dove into your first question? Right, the comment topic, and about how to set up a scene. Back on track :D:

(We've said setting & characters already)

Visuals--We said (before we answered your first question) that this what what we wanted to see more of. Towards the end when Ryder came in, we saw that you said there was a man in the room, but mostly women and children. We wanted to know about how many people were in the bed of the truck. We thought that Crystal, Alisz, and Alisz's mother were the only two people inside of the truck in the beginning because she didn't mention other people (but maybe this was because we didn't read the other chapter), but maybe you could give the readers the layout of what the bed of the truck looked like. Was it rectangular? Square? Were the ragged blankets spread all throughout the truck, or just near Alisz? What kind of light and darkness was filtering through the windows of the truck, and how did the light play across the floor, and how did the shadows make things seem the situation darker than it already was? What did the truck smell of? We're not saying that you should create whole entire paragraphs of what the truck looked like and the visuals of the story, and we're also not saying you should use large blocks of description (well we're not saying you should do anything---these are all suggestions, of course, haha!) It's just adding in the depth of description and really making sure that the description is vivid and making sense.

There's also an action portion to the setting-up-the-scene, but we wanted to finish the comment topic first, since that's also your second question. Basically, visuals, characters, setting, and action set up a scene. Making sure that all of these are structured, vibrant things---that the setting is clear, the visuals are vivid, and the characters are all different and full of emotion--we think you'll certainly have the best possible set-up of the scene. And we also really liked the set up of your scene. We saw it, heard it, felt it, and the story kept on going while it made sense. Overall, we thought you did a good job. :)

Action is also important for setting up a scene, and also the thing in your second question. You're right, the action at the end of the story was short. It was quick-paced and beating as if it had a pulse and vivid and vibrant and---

Woah. What happened to the little girl was sad.

We think that you were right to make the the action fast, because in real life, it would've happened quickly. The beating, a starburst of blood on the pavement turning into a stream, the slam of the young body being racked against the ground. It would happen really fast. You did a good job of it, and a good job of making it beating with action and fast and kept it moving along.

The reaction is what would be slower.

We felt that the reaction was still a bit fast, but this can easily be amended if you wish it to. Reactions last longer that pure actions---like if you witness a crime, the crime has already happened, but you're going to be thinking about it for a lot longer time than it took to do the crime. Your thoughts are remembering, taking it in, daring to believe what happened.

It does bring out emotion. The action itself is not rushed, but as said previously, we feel as though the reaction is. But we do feel the quietness of the aftermath wtih those several, broke apart sentences that you used towards the end...the sobs, the fear, and the pain. You've brought out a world that can be so scary to write about, and we think you did it well.

Overall, great job on this chapter.

Wow, thank you so much for reading this review! We hope it helped, even just slightly, and we continue to wish you well as you venture on through the Spotlight week. We really do like your story here and the way that you've incorperated the pain, characters, and actions of a sad time that took place during the world's history. We thought you went well about doing this. Remember to k e e p o n w r i t i ng and if you celebrate them, have a wonderful holiday and season.

--Stephanie, Rachel, Alison, & Clary

Network with this winner: PassengersOfWind

1st runner up: Tegan1311

2nd runner up: SapphireAlena

Final Author's Note: Thank you everyone who reviewed my chapter. I got a lot of help and I think, personally, that this book has gotten a lot better. You were all very helpful, even though I may have been ride to some of you. I do apologize, and now, I have gained from this experience.

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Author #3: euphoriaseeker [NBR Board Member]

Book Title: Administrative Justice

Specified Chapter: Extract (is chapter 1)

Summary Thus Far in Book: Rosemary King is recovering from the death of her sister and her sister's husband of whom she was also in love with. Living in a post-WWII world, as a working class woman, she is struggling to look after her nephew and sister. Meanwhile typists around Balmain (a working class suburb in Sydney) have been murdered, and there are no leads. It isn't until a woman in Strathfield (a more middle class suburb) calls for a new detective to join the forces, in the bid to catch a serial killer.

Author's Note: Thanks for being spotlighted, I'm keen to hear what you think about this. This was my 2016 NaNo project and I've almost finished my first draft and I'm ready to start some serious editing. This is also the sequel to my Year 12 major project which was a 6000 word short story.

In light of this I just want to know, is there anything that doesn't make sense or pieces that you feel are missing (purely because I know the characters so well already)? In terms of historical development and scene setting do you feel that you are in the working class area of Sydney through characters actions and description. Any grammar or things like that are welcome too.

In-line Comment Preference: Not preferred

Genre: Mystery

Rating: PG

Winning Comment: #NBR 1

Hello, euphoriaseeker! I'm sorry this is so close to the deadline. I was only accepted to #NBR on Wednesday, so I haven't had a full week to work on these. I still have one more to do after yours, too!

I've always wanted to visit Australia, as I grew up during the 80s when Australia was the all the rage in the States. I know a little bit of the history, but after reading your chapter, I feel compelled to study it more.

My first comment is praise for your cover. It reminds me of the dime novels my dad had on his bedroom bookcase. The artwork is very retro and film noir. The cover puts me in the mood for a crime story of that era.

(NOTE: My dad was in his 30's in the 1950's. He served in WW2 flying B-17s over Germany. I am the baby of the family, born when he was almost 50.)

COMMENT TOPIC:

Regarding the scene set-up, you let us know the city by the name of the newspaper. Other than that, I'm pretty unsure of where I am except in some dwelling. It could be a house, it could be a mansion (but probably not if she's doing someone else's wash as a second job), it could be a flat, it could be a mobile home.

I realize that this is a sequel to a short story and that you probably have described much of this information already. However, because it is standing as the first chapter of its own book, it would be helpful for the readers who are not familiar with Sydney or Australia to have a description of the dwelling.

Also, you talk about "the King's handmade, wooden table." Are we talking about George VI? Or is "the King's" referring to a particular brand or style of table. More description could alleviate the confusion. [After finding out Rosemary's last name is "King," I now understand.]

COMMENT TOPIC (CONT.)

I loved how you set up the description of Rosemary. We instantly know that it's morning and Rosemary is rushed, trying to complete the ironing for her second job and prep her sister and nephew for school. Later in the chapter we also learn that she's being the parent and/or caregiver to her own mother, who helps her with nothing.

If you had not mentioned it during the author's notes on the contest page, I would have been very confused about Rosemary caring for a younger sister and a nephew.

Your description of the walls adds to your description of the domicile and her financial situation, adding tension to the scenes.

Within two paragraphs, you also give the reader the real point of the book: Rosemary is afraid she'll be the next one murdered. We can infer that she worries for her family: her mother who does nothing or is an invalid, her younger sister (I assume pre-teen or early teens), and her five-year-old nephew who just lost his parents. Not only would the family lose their financial support but also the emotional pillar that has been holding everything together. Immediately, this associates the reader with your character, hoping she can make it through another day meeting all of her responsibilities without being killed.

Some suggestions for continuing to set up this scene would be to include a map of Sydney with the areas you are pointing out highlighted. I could look it up on my own, but after 60 years, I'm sure the environs have changed.

#NBR 2

COMMENT TOPIC (CONT.)

I loved how you set up the description of Rosemary. We instantly know that it's morning and Rosemary is rushed, trying to complete the ironing for her second job and prep her sister and nephew for school. Later in the chapter we also learn that she's being the parent and/or caregiver to her own mother, who helps her with nothing.

If you had not mentioned it during the author's notes on the contest page, I would have been very confused about Rosemary caring for a younger sister and a nephew.

Your description of the walls adds to your description of the domicile and her financial situation, adding tension to the scenes.

Within two paragraphs, you also give the reader the real point of the book: Rosemary is afraid she'll be the next one murdered. We can infer that she worries for her family: her mother who does nothing or is an invalid, her younger sister (I assume pre-teen or early teens), and her five-year-old nephew who just lost his parents. Not only would the family lose their financial support but also the emotional pillar that has been holding everything together. Immediately, this associates the reader with your character, hoping she can make it through another day meeting all of her responsibilities without being killed.

Some suggestions for continuing to set up this scene would be to include a map of Sydney with the areas you are pointing out highlighted. I could look it up on my own, but after 60 years, I'm sure the environs have changed.

#NBR 3

COMMENT TOPIC (CONT.)

I would also recommend working in a bit more description of the house. There are only two bedrooms, so is it a 2-up/2-down row house with toilet in the back garden? (My mum grew up in Manchester, England, in a row house like this.) Or, is it something even more humble, like a flat above a shop?

Overall, the set-up is good. The way it is would not prevent me from reading the rest of the story, but I might take a break to go look up some things about Sydney online before continuing.

QUESTION 1:

You mention that she is nauseated toward the beginning. Since you don't give us a cause, I have the feeling she's pregnant. If not, perhaps give us a hint to the cause of the nausea. [By the end of the chapter, I know it is anxiety. There are other symptoms of anxiety than just nausea. It might help to work a few of those in.]

You mention needing to drop the hemline again. If it has already been dropped once, is there anything left to drop?

The tin can line is explained later on, but maybe you could mention the girls had been killed on late-night walks to the outhouse. In America in the 50's, outhouses were not the norm. Everyone had indoor plumbing, so the line doesn't make sense to an American until more data is revealed.

I think you intentionally gave us intrigue about the bet. So, while I am confused about it, I think it will keep me reading the story. Sometimes it's better not to give away everything in a mystery.

Reply

#NBR 4

QUESTION 1 (CONT.)

As I mentioned earlier, if you hadn't given us the background in the summary on #NBR, I would be totally confused about the relationships in the household. I guess mum is either an invalid or in deep depression over the deaths of her daughter and son-in-law. I get the feeling the sister is in her early teens. Some description about her would help me place her age better. Perhaps a slight recap at the beginning of the story to let us know why Rosemary is carrying for her nephew and how long it has been since her sister and brother-in-law's deaths would help the reader, too.

The scene in the office is only confusing because there is past history between Rosemary and the men. I can't tell if they all are her enemies or if she has at least one friend among them. There is reference to a previous pass made. Perhaps adding another pass in this scene and showing us how she handles it would help us understand her character better.

QUESTION 2:

Except for the fact that you mention the _Sydney Herald_ in the first line, this story could easily be set anywhere in the English-speaking world. In fact, it reads more like an old New York crime story than one specifically set in Australia. Perhaps a few words about what the train passes that indicates she's in Sydney.

Also, how does Sydney differ from the rest of the country? I know Canberra is the capital, but isn't Sydney a main shipping port? Are there a lot of dock workers around?

I can tell that they are working class people from the fact that she's a typist and laundress and the fact that she's struggling to make ends meet. Your lines about the paint peeling and the costs of their large expenses indicate money is an issue.

Reply

#NBR 5

QUESTION 2 (CONT.)

Because Rosemary is a typist in the 50's, you could talk about her running her stockings. Or, if Australia was still under rationing at that time like England was, drawing the stocking lines on the back of her legs with a black eye pencil.

As for character actions and descriptions, I don't think either point to historical development and scene setting. Sister and nephew are being dressed in school uniforms. That could be any class level. Her mum being comatose could mean she's passed out from booze, which could indicate working class family; but the reader doesn't know why she is unresponsive—only that Rosemary has learned to accept it.

Rosemary's actions—maybe the fact she catches a train and takes in laundry, but those are not really characterization actions.

Have you ever seen the old comedy _Keeping Up Appearances_ with Hyacinth, Rose, Daisy, and Violet? It's about four sisters from working class Manchester. Rose is a bit bawdy. Daisy is working class but very loving and accepting of everyone. Hyacinth married into the true middle class but puts on airs that she is upper class. Violet married into the upper class. Each character behaves differently, with Rose and Daisy representing the working class from different points of view. You can see a clear distinction between Daisy and Hyacinth. If you can find it online, it should give you some ideas about how the working class would behave.

#NBR 6

GENERAL COMMENTS:

I really enjoyed this chapter, but as it is a first draft, I have a few suggestions how to strengthen the different elements of the story.

I thought Rosemary was very well-developed, but I felt no connection to any of the other characters. Maybe if you added a few more facial expressions and gestures into your descriptions, the reader could identify better with the characters.

We can tell that Rosemary's a hard worker with two jobs, is responsible, and is not afraid to stand up for her rights in a man's world. She's also of a lower class, not holding back profanity. There is a dichotomy, though. At one point she is afraid of being unladylike by vomiting, but in another paragraph she is cursing like a sailor. Was this characterization choice intentional?

A possible change would be with Gwen when she says "Some gal from Strathfield." You could improve her characterization by having her do something with her hands or glance somewhere else or even plunk herself on the settee. You mention in a later paragraph that Gwen stood up, but there is no indication that she ever sat down. This could add tension to the scene and characterization for Rosemary of taking care of the family by having to tell Gwen to get a move on it or she'll be late for school.

Earlier you mention that Rosemary is concerned about paying for her sister's school tuition. Perhaps Gwen could complain about school, showing she doesn't appreciate what her sister is sacrificing for her. (That would be a typical teen response to lessons, regardless of the era.)

#NBR 7

GENERAL COMMENTS (CONT.)

The next character we meet is Anthony. You do a great job with him. Your "The little bugger" thought not only characterizes Rosemary, but also Anthony. I lived with a family with a recalcitrant six-year-old for a while. Sometimes I would have to take him to school on my way to work. There were many days like this. Very well done! I thought it was a nice touch later in the story to point out why Rosemary won't swat the boy. He may drive her nuts, but she still loves him and knows that he is hurting.

As for Detective Williams, you let us know he is young, getting a new officemate he doesn't want, is messy, and smokes. You show his deductive expertise in one paragraph. I wonder if he accepts her help so he can look at her as she bends down. Perhaps some indication of his checking her out would help flesh him out a bit more. Also, other than wearing a suit, I really don't know what the man looks like. Could you describe him physically? This is one of those situations where you have to repeat some of your descriptions found in the prequel. I think the fact that he remembers her nephew's name and that the boy is left-handed shows that he is interested in her personal life.

Your vocabulary choice is exquisite. I very much enjoyed phrases like "boring into her muddy brown ones," which not only tell us what was happening and what her eyes looked like, but with the descriptor "muddy," you indicate her attitude. With the descriptor, I'm not even sure if the following line is necessary. The paragraph may be stronger ending with "her muddy brown ones." But you decide. It's your story.

#NBR 8

GENERAL COMMENTS (CONT.)

Another example of excellent word choice is "A sliver of air filled her mouth, coming through the gap in her bucked teeth, as she seethed." Again, we see that Rosemary is not the most attractive female and that her finances and the war in the last decade prevented her from getting orthodontic work.

For Detective Walters, I get the feeling he is a harassing slime ball. However, we only have the names they call each other and the brief dialogue to work that out. It adds to the intrigue, so I don't necessarily think you need to add more about him right now.

Pacing is steady, but a bit slow until the very end when she's throwing the paper on the desk. I recommend shortening your sentences to improve the rhythm of the piece. I will give you examples later in this review.

As for plot, it needs a bit more direction with foreshadowing. At the beginning, she wants to read the paper but keeps herself from doing it. At the end, she's throwing a marked paper in front of the detectives (reminded me a bit of Melanie Griffith's character in _Working Girl_, actually). It would be great if we could see a frustration or desire or something else about her wanting to point out these things she's found but she's afraid of being ignored or humiliated because of how her last suggestions went pear-shaped.

#NBR 9

GRAMMAR AND PHRASING IMPROVEMENTS:

I realize that this is an unedited work. Below are line edit and copy edit suggestions to help you with the editing process. They are all suggestions, so please make your own decisions on whether to use or ignore them. I won't be offended.

Comma infractions comprised most of the grammatical errors. Here is a link to a poster of comma rules for your reference: https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/564x/6e/91/af/6e91afa860f5b9a5860e4c799179018d.jpg

__________

I will refer to paragraphs by the first three words. Example:

*Paragraph that begins "The bright afternoon":

-I will provide the sentence or portion as it was written, follow it with a >,

-and then how it should appear.

[Rules, if necessary will be typed within in brackets below the correction. I may also make comments in brackets]

Italics will be noted with underscores: _word_

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The Sydney Morning":

-The Sydney Morning Herald fell onto the >

-The _Sydney Morning Herald_ plopped onto the

[Italicize the paper's name, not including "The"; since this is the first sentence, as stronger verb than "fell" might hook the reader better.]

-Rosemary stared up at her sister, who had finished her paper run, covered in sweat, throwing her satchel onto the chair. >

-Rosemary stared up at her sister, who had finished her paper run. Covered in sweat, Gwen threw her satchel onto the chair.

[The sentence was trying to accomplish too much at once. Breaking it up will improve pacing, as well.]

__________

Start a new paragraph before "Sipping her tea..."

-A false smile pulled at her lips, realizing that her sister was watching her every move. >

-A false smile pulled at Rosemary's lips, as she realized that her sister was watching her every move. >

[The participial phrase in the original rendition made it sound like the lips were watching her every move.]

__________

#NBR 10

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Staring at the plaster":

-Staring at the plaster walls, wishing she could afford to give it a new lick of paint, something else for her to save up for. Like her sister's tertiary education fees, and her nephew's schooling, and to fix the roof, and the broken window. Despite the fact that she could be the next one murdered.

-Rosemary stared at the peeling plaster walls, wishing she could afford to give it a new lick of paint—something else for her to save up for. She had no idea how she was going to pay for her sister's tertiary education fees, her nephew's schooling, the leaking roof, and the broken window, let alone attending to these walls. None of these would be paid if she were the next one murdered, either.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Leaving the lukewarm":

-Rosemary pulled a skirt of a washing basket >

-Rosemary pulled a skirt out of a washing basket

[missing "out"]

-running the iron across the pleats, of what she presumed >

-running the iron across the pleats of what she presumed

[comma unnecessary]

-to be a young girl's skirt until it fell straight. >

-to be a young girl's skirt.

["until it fell straight" seems unnecessary to the plot or characterization. You never tell us what it actually is, so I think the sentence is better without it.]

[I really like how you phrased this: "trying to quell the nausea which threatened to manifest itself in an unladylike way."]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Poor Bethie didn't":

[I was confused here that the girl from Strathfield was Bethie, and how did Rosemary already know the girl's name? Maybe Gwen could elaborate on the gal from Strathfield, giving a name, and Rosemary could make the connection to Bethie being one of the girls from her typing pool at the paper.]

__________

#NBR 11

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Gwen stood up":

-She packed the last of the laundry into the wicker basket. >

-Rosemary packed the last of the laundry into the wicker basket.

[Without the name here, it sounds like Gwen with her ink-stained hands is touching clean laundry. Also, it would be good to start the next paragraph with this sentence.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Slipping on her":

-Her nephew, stood in the middle of his room, still in his bedclothes. >

-Still in his bedclothes, her nephew stood in the middle of his room.

[clarity of sentence and modifier closer to the word it modifies]

-Pulling out his school uniform she hand him the knee high socks, which he threw on the bed, with a pout.

- Pulling out his school uniform, she hand him the knee-high socks, which he threw on the bed with a pout.

[comma placement]

-Taking a breath, as to not lose her temper like she had before church that week, she took the folded shorts and held them out for him to step into them. >

-Taking a breath to prevent losing her temper like she had before church last week, Rosemary held out the folded shorts for him.

[clarity]

-The five-year-old shook his head, his brown curls shaking. >

-The five year old shook his head, his brown curls tossing from side to side.

[hyphens are required for adjectives not nouns; try to vary your word choice—you had used two forms of "shake" in the same sentence]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Anthony put on":

-"Anthony put on your uniform or I'll get angry." >

-"Anthony, put on your uniform, or I'll get angry."

[Set off direct address with commas; use a comma and a coordinating conjunction to divide two independent clauses in the same sentence.]

__________

#NBR 12

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "He picked up a sock":

-He picked up a sock, and flung it at her. >

-He picked up a sock and flung it at her.

[Since the second half of the sentence does not have a subject, the sentence is considered simple and does not require the comma before "and."]

[I like the shorter sentences at the beginning of this paragraph that punctuate his actions. :-) ]

-Taking a forceful step forward she held out the shorts again. >

-Taking a forceful step, she held out the shorts again.

[comma after introductory words, phrases, and clauses; "forward" was implied with "step" and could be deleted.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "A sliver of air":

-A sliver of air filled her mouth, coming through the gap in her bucked teeth, as she seethed. >

-As she seethed, a sliver of air filled her mouth, whistling through the gap in her bucked teeth.

[The clause works better at the beginning of the sentence. I'm not sure if "whistling" works here, but a stronger verb than "coming" would help.]

-Except it would be broken in five seconds. >

-It would be broken in five seconds.

__________

#NBR 13

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

Begin a new paragraph before "Grabbing the hem."

-Grabbing the hem of his shirt she pulled it up, exposing his stomach to the warm September air. >

-Grabbing the hem of his shirt, she pulled it up, exposing his stomach to the warm September air.

[need a comma after the introductory phrase; I looked up online. September average is 16-20ºC (60-68ºF). I'm not sure I would call those temperatures warm. If you're thinking it is warmer than that, I would mention that it was unseasonably warm.]

-Holding up his right arm she slipped the blue material over it, before doing the same with the other. >

-Holding up his right arm, she slipped the blue material over it and then its mate.

-She knelt down to button it for him. Anthony screamed, flailing arms, hitting Rosemary in the right eye, with a backhand. >

-When Rosemary knelt to button the shirt, Anthony screamed and flailed his arms, backhanding Rosemary in the left eye.

[more concise; later you mention she was hit in the left eye with Anthony's left hand]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The little boy":

-The little boy, gave up, as he did every other morning, slipping his twiggy legs into the grey shorts. >

-Slipping his twiggy legs into the grey shorts, the little boy gave up, as he did every other morning.

[Comma issues. I think the phrase works better at the beginning. I love the words "twiggy legs"!]

-Snatching up the socks he put them on, leaving them hanging around his ankles. >

-Snatching up the socks, he put them on, leaving them slouching around his ankles.

[comma and word choice]

-Rosemary pulled them up to his knees, to prevent a caning from one of the old hags at the school. >

-Rosemary shook her head in dismay. To prevent the guaranteed caning from one of the hags at the school, Rosemary tugged the white socks to his knees.

__________

#NBR 14

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

Start a new paragraph before "Rosemary shrugged":

-Rosemary shrugged, forcing him out of the bedroom door, where Gwen waited in her old uniform, with the plaid skirt, rising above the knee. >

-Rosemary shrugged, forcing him out of the bedroom door. On the landing, Gwen waited in her old uniform, her plaid skirt rising above the knee.

[conciseness]

-Holding the satchel in her arms, she took Anthony's clammy hand.

-Holding the satchel in her arms, Gwen took Anthony's clammy hand.

[Whose satchel is she holding? Her own or Anthony's?"]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "I'll see you":

-Gwen said, kissing her cheek before rushing out of the door, dragging Anthony behind her. >

- Gwen said, kissing her cheek before rushing out of the door while dragging Anthony behind her.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Stopping in the":

-Stopping in the shared bedroom, she applied some concealer to the bruise, which from experience, dictated would sprout.

-Returning to the shared bedroom, Rosemary applied concealer to the forthcoming bruise.

[conciseness; also, when I first read the chapter, I wasn't sure if you were talking about a different bedroom she shared with someone else.]

#NBR 15

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

-Picking up her fraying bag, from the large bed, which she shared with Gwen and Anthony, she slung it over her shoulder, daring into her mother's room to check she was alive. >

-She picked up her frayed bag from the large bed she shared with Gwen and Anthony. After she slung it over her shoulder, Rosemary darted into her mother's room to check that she was alive.

[clarity]

-The woman lay on the bed, face down, refusing to look up at her daughter, despite stirring. >

-The woman lying prone on the bed stirred but refused to look up at her daughter.

[conciseness]

-The calm apathy that came with the daily sight set in, preparing Rosemary for the day awaiting. >

-The calm apathy that accompanied the daily sight settled in, preparing Rosemary for the awaiting day.

[This sentence should be the last sentence to the preceding paragraph.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The calm apathy":

-An elderly woman held the Herald up, the headline blaring, averting her gaze, only to notice the balding man holding the same paper. >

-An elderly woman held the _Herald_ up, the headline blaring. Rosemary averted her gaze until she noticed a balding man holding the same paper.

[run-on better split into two sentences]

-Anxiety clawed at her stomach, like a vicious bee, stinging her stomach. >

-Anxiety clawed at her stomach.

["[B]ee stinging her stomach" contradicts "anxiety clawed." The simile is actually unnecessary, as the shorter sentence already provides a imagery for the reader.]

-Deflating to what seemed to be half her usual side, she backed herself into the corner, her body rattling along with the tram on its tracks. >

-Deflating, she backed herself into the corner, her body rattling along with the tram on its tracks.

[clarity]

#NBR 16

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Pushing past the":

-Pushing past the commuters when they reached Darling street, she stepped onto the cement, walking towards the police station. >

-Pushing past the commuters, Rosemary hurried toward the police station on Darling Street.

[conciseness; "Street" needs to be capitalized if "Darling" is used with it.]

-Heading into the station, which was already full of people ready lodge complaint, she headed through the door and into the office. >

-Pressing past the throng of complainants packing the station, Rosemary headed into the detective's bureau.

[conciseness; varied word choice; differentiate between the public area of the police station and the office she worked in.]

-Opening it up, she began to type the file of a string of petty thefts, in order to have a legible account. >

-After feeding a fresh sheet of ivory paper into the platen and spun the knob, she struck the keys with brisk flicks of her fingers, creating a legible account of a string of petty thefts.

[I learned to type on an early-model electric typewriter, but I have used a manual typewriter before. You could talk about the tap of the typebars hitting the paper. You could also mention what she does when she makes an error (no white-out back then, so probably a rubber eraser with a little brush on the end. She would have to roll the platen up, erase the errors, brush it off, roll the platen back down. Every time she reached the end of a margin, a bell would ding. Then she would have to reach her entire hand up and pull on the return arm, which would send the platen back to the left margin. Here is a gif that shows someone using a manual typewriter: http://37.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m9q8h30h5I1qe6mn3o1_500.gif ]

#NBR 17

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Her stiff posture":

-Her stiff posture halted >

-Her stiff posture prevented

[word choice]

-Although in the current climate she needed an ally. >

-Although in the current climate, she needed an ally.

[comma]

-Knocking over the rubbish bin with her foot, she swore. >

-She swore as she knocked over the rubbish bin with her foot.

[puts the emphasis on her swearing rather than her clutziness]

-Kneeling down, her tight skirt, restricting her movement, she picked up the small notes, full of personal messages from the detectives - some of which she'd like to forget - and typed files.>

-Squatting down, her pencil skirt restricting her movement, she retrieved the small notes, full of personal messages from the detectives - some of which she'd like to forget - and typed files from the floor.

[clarity—most ladies would squat carefully with their knees together instead of kneeling. In fact, it would be almost impossible to kneel without splitting a seam.]

-Reading Detective Williams' scrawl, over a brawl at the Cat and Fiddle, on the past Thursday. >

-She scrutinized Detective Williams's scrawl about a brawl at the Cat and Fiddle on the past Thursday.

[fragment, word choice, clarity]

-Running a hand through her hair she held it up into the light.>

-Running a hand through her hair, she held it up to the light.

[comma and idiom]

-A year of sifting through his files and handwriting, and it was never any clearer. >

-After a year of deciphering his handwriting, it was still incomprehensible.

[word choice]

__________

#NBR 18

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Storming into his":

-Storming into his office, to demand what he had written, she stopped at the door. >

-Storming to his office to demand what he had written, she hesitated at the door.

[clarity and comma]

-The young man, stood staring at his desk. >

-The young man stood staring at his desk.

[comma; perhaps you could tell us what he looks like besides "young" here]

[Also, in this paragraph, how does Rosemary react to cigarette smoke? Smoking was glamorous back then. Is she a smoker who can't afford smokes most of the time, so the smoke drives her nuts? Does she hate the smell? Does she think the smoking makes him sexy like Clark Cable or Cary Grant?]

-His broad shoulders, sank as he exhaled.>

-His broad shoulders sank as he exhaled.

__________

*Paragraph that begins "He pushed a":

-Repeating this ritual with the five other stacks, until he was surrounded by them. >

-He repeating this ritual with the other five stacks until they surrounded him.

[clarity, comma, fragment, active voice]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Oh - Junior Clerk King":

"Oh - Junior Clerk King, I was cleaning," he said.

[From an American POV, "Junior Clerk King" seems clunky. Especially since the two are on a first-name basis at the end of the chapter, I think you need to have him call her either "Miss King" or "Rosemary." Using her formal title seems stilted.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The detective from":

-The detective from Strathfield is starting her tomorrow, we're sharing an office. >

-The detective from Strathfield is starting her tomorrow. [Add a physical gesture in here so that we can hear the wry humor I'm sure he has.] We're sharing an office.

[run-on that needed breaking up]

#NBR 19

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "He took the":

-He took the ashtray off his desk, and threw the ashes out of the window, stray cigarette butts falling to the wooden floor. >

[There are comma issues and style issues within this sentence. However, there is also a logical issue. How did the cigarette butts get on the floor without the ashes falling there? Did all of the cigs end up on the floor and just ashes out the window?]

-Shoving files, and the odd apple core into the rubbish bin.

[fragment; please make it a complete sentence]

-Kneeling down he shoved some of the loose files into the bin, sifting through what was still open and what had been closed and typed up by Rosemary. >

-Kneeling down, he shoved some of the loose files into the bin, sorting through open and closed cases.

[conciseness, clarity, comma]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Are you alright":

-"Are you alright, do you need a hand?" she asked.

-"Are you all right? Do you need a hand?" she asked.

["Alright" is appropriate for informal usage, but according to both OED and Merriam-Webster not for formal writing. You needed a question mark after the first sentence, too.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Kneeling down next":

[Still not sure she would be able to safely kneel in a pencil skirt.]

-They were separated into the solved and unsolved piles, shoved up against the back of the wall.

[Not sure if you're talking about the files that were dumped on the floor all around his desk or some other files. Is she stacking the files against the back wall with others?]

-The musty scent of old paper, merged with the cigarette smoke, as he lit another cigarette and took a drag.

-The musty scent of old paper merged with the cigarette smoke, as Williams lit another cigarette and took a drag.

[comma issue]

[I think this is my favorite sentence of the entire chapter! Such imagery, involving all the senses.]

__________

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Your makeup is":

-You ran into work frazzled which usually means you had problems with your nephew. >

-You ran into work frazzled, which usually means you had problems with your nephew.

[comma issue; great word choices again!]

-Also, Anthony is left handed and it's the only reason you would have a bruise on your left eye. >

-Also, Anthony is left-handed, which is the probably cause of the bruise on your left eye.

[comma issue; left-handed is always hyphenated according to Webster. Logical fallacy: there are many reasons she could have a bruise on her left eye. Anthony is just the most likely.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Not like this":

-"Not like this, he's just understood that 'is mother died and 'e's playing up," Rosemary said, her strine entering her vocabulary. >

-"Not like this. He's just understood that 'is mother died and 'e's playing up," Rosemary said, slipping into her Strine dialect.

[Slipping into her native accent makes me think she's under a lot of stress now, more than earlier. You needed a full stop between the two sentences. I assume everything in the second sentence is the Strine dialect variations.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Get hitched":

-"Get hitched, the boy needs a father."

-"Get hitched. The boy needs a father."

[full stop between sentences]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "You'd marry me":

-"You'd marry me, you're desperate."

-"You must be desperate."

[I think you could add some facial expressions here.]

__________

#NBR 21

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "That shut him up":

-Despite the tacit agreement of her not mentioning what she say that Thursday night and the reality of her sister's death, he had promised never to reveal. the element of blackmail kept them civil. >

-Blackmail had its uses. Their tacit agreement not to mention what she said last Thursday night.

[I really don't know what you're saying your sister's death here. This was a very confusing paragraph.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Standing up":

-Walking out of the room, to the curious gazes of the rest of the station, she picked up her own, taking them outside, and throwing them into the larger bin, out the back of the police station. >

-As she exit the room under the curious gazes of the rest of the station, Rosemary retrieved her own bin. [new paragraph here]

After taking the cans outside, she emptied them into the dumpster behind the police station.

[clarity]

-Two children, darted out from behind the bins, checking over their shoulders watching her. >

- Two children darted out from behind the bins, checking over their shoulders as they watched her.

-Ducking their heads they rounded the corner, pulling their hats over their faces. >

-Ducking their heads, they rounded the corner as they pulled their hats over their faces. >

__________

*Paragraph that begins "That was who":

-That was who Anthony would become.

[Are you indicating he's going to be a beggar on a street or a hooligan? How old are the children in the preceding paragraph? I assumed 7 or 8, not much older than Anthony.]

__________

#NBR 22

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Shaking the thought":

-Shaking the thought from her mind, about the recalcitrant boy, she headed back inside, ready to stick her head inside the moulding metal bucket which the Sergeant had given her on the first day.>

- Shaking the thought from her mind about the recalcitrant boy, she headed back inside, ready to stick her head inside the moulding metal bucket that the Sergeant had given her on the first day.

[comma; that instead of which. BTW, what is a moulding metal bucket? Is there mold inside it, or is it a bucket with a specific use and hence the name?]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Chastising herself for":

-Chastising herself for not finding out whether the word was petty or parade. >

- Chastising herself for not finding out whether the word was _petty_ or _parade_, she settled into her hard-backed chair.

[fragment; italicize words referred to as words. Also, _petty_ is an adjective; whereas _parade_ is either a noun or a verb. It would be easy to guess which word it was just by the context of the rest of the sentence. Perhaps change _parade_ to _pretty_.]

-Leaning into the light, pushing back on her chairs, so it stood on two legs, she felt resistance from something. >

-Leaning back on two legs of her chair to hold the paper to the light, she felt resistance from something.

[not so choppy, although I still think there is a better way to word the last part of the sentence, too.]

-A hand had been placed on her back, pushing her back forwards so her hungry stomach hit the edge of the table. >

-A hand on her back pushed her forwards until her empty stomach hit the edge of the table.

[clarity]

-Biting her tongue to stop her from crying out, her bony hip throbbing. >

-Rosemary bit her tongue to stop her from crying out as her bony hip throbbed.

__________

#NBR 23

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "Miss King how":

-"Miss King how are you feeling?" >

-"Miss King, how are you feeling?"

[comma sets off direct address]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "About this close":

-"About this close, to s******* in a tin can," she said. >

-"About this close to s******* in a tin can," she said.

[comma issue; also having to use asterisks on profanity to prevent the comment from being flagged.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Flicking his cigar":

-Flicking his cigar ash at her, he left muttering to himself, something she had heard since she was 12, bitch.

- Flicking his cigar ash at her, he left muttering to himself, "Bitch"—something she had heard since she was twelve.

__________

Star a new paragraph before "Make a rude gesture"

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Laying out the":

-who were meeting with Strathfield detectives in order to complete the transfer.

-who were meeting with the Strathfield detectives in order to complete the transfer.

[Add "the" before Strathfield. Where is she now? We just had a scene change. Is this a briefing room? Interrogation room? Conference room?]

-Slamming them down onto the office table, and leaving to boil the kettle, she waited, drumming her nails on the table, noticing the dirt under her nails.

-After slamming them down onto the office table, she drummed her fingers on the table, noticing dirt under her nails, while she waited for the kettle to boil.

[clarity]

-Picking it out, and washing her hands quickly in the kitchen sink, she flicked them over the varnished floor.

-She washed her hands quickly in the kitchen sink before she flicked them dry over the varnished floor.

[clarity]

__________

#NBR 24

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "One of the":

-One of the younger police officers came over, yet with one quick stare, they scuttled away. >

- One of the younger police officers came over, yet after one quick stare from Rosemary, he scuttled away.

[clarity]

-The ceramic teapot began to whistle. Turning down the stove she, waited for it to cool, instead of burning herself, as she had on her first day, a rookie mistake. >

-When the ceramic teapot whistled, she turned down the stove, waiting for it to cool.

[This back story does not seem necessary. If it is necessary, I would make it a separate sentence. She has obviously made tea at home before, so she would know to let it cool before removing it.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Four men entered the":

-Four men entered the conference room, Rosemary began to pour the tea, into the mugs that sat on the newly cleaned table. >

-As four men entered the conference room, Rosemary poured tea into the mugs.

[conciseness]

-The men took the seats around her, she stepped back, picking up her notebook and pen, sitting in the corner of the room, away from the detectives. >

-When the men took the seats around her, she stepped back, picking her notebook and pen. She sat in the corner of the room, away from the detectives.

[clarity]

-The Strathfield man, sat on her left, his arms akimbo. >

-The Strathfield man sat on her left, his arms akimbo.

[comma issue]

-A large red scar, ran down his face, from the top of his cheekbone to the corner of his jaw. >

-A large, red scar, ran down his face from the top of his cheekbone to the corner of his jaw. >

[comma issues; which side of the face?]

-His deep-set eyes, stared at the wall, assessing its flaking paint and the scuffed floors, which needed to be revarnished. >

-His deep-set eyes stared at the wall, assessing its flaking paint and the scuffed floors. >

[clarity and comma issue]

__________

Reply

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "He scuffed his":

-Detective Williams sat next to him, in his fraying suit (which he kept claiming he would replace, once he found a place to live), compared to the richer detective who looked the part of the burgeoning middle class. >

-Detective Williams sat next to him, in his fraying suit (which he kept claiming he would replace, once he found a place to live).

[The rest of the sentence does not add much about the richer detective. We can tell that Williams is of humble means.]

-Despite Williams sturdy build and height would have been impressive for most but compared to the tall, dark stranger, he was reduced to the average man.

-Williams's sturdy build and height would have impress most girls, but the tall, dark stranger reduced him to an average man.

[conciseness and clarity]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Poisoning her pen":

-Poisoning her pen, >

-Poising her pen,

["Poisoning her pen" means writing nasty, anonymous letters or literally adding poison to the ink.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Good afternoon, Sergeant":

[Great paragraph! No changes needed :-) ]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "The men all":

-The men all shook hands, as Rosemary sat, watching the proceedings. >

-The men shook hands, as Rosemary watched the proceedings.

[clarity]

-Leaning her head against the wall, she closed her eyes, as formalities happened. >

- Leaning her head against the wall, she closed her eyes.

[conciseness]

-Jerking awake out of her microsleep, she wrote down the date, in order to cover up her defiance. >

-Jerking awake out of her snooze, she wrote down the date in order to cover up her lapse.

[word choice and comma]

-As much as she feared for her life, her job was precious, and she needed it. >

-She could not afford to lose this job.

[conciseness]

#NBR 26

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "A thought which had":

-A thought which had gone undisturbed, as if she didn't want to piece the puzzle together, but with each murder that occurred, the unease settled.

[I really am not sure what thought you are talking about or what point you are trying to make. Could you please restructure this paragraph to be clearer?]

__________

*Paragraph that is "The typing pool.":

[Great use of the shortened, isolate fragment for impact and rhythm break.]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "Poor Bethie had":

-Realising that the two detectives had their eyes, on her she sat up straighter. >

-Realising that the two detectives had their eyes on her, she sat up straighter. >

[comma issues]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "They went back":

-They went back to their conversation, and she was removed from their thoughts. >

-The returned to their conversation, ignoring Rosemary once again.

[conciseness]

-"Excuse me sirs," >

-"Excuse me, sirs,"

[comma issue]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "No one replied":

-she located a Sydney Morning Herald >

-she located a _Sydney Morning Herald_ >

[italicize the newspaper name]

-Realising that she had caused a scene, and not for the first time - she was known for histrionics - she slowed down. >

-Realising that she had caused a scene - and not for the first time - she slowed down.

[The histrionics part is telling overkill since you already have "and not for the first time"]

-Tucking it under her arm, she headed back to the meeting, where the details of the cases were being discussed by the detectives as the sergeants, stood outside discussing paperwork. >

-Tucking it under her arm, she headed back to the meeting. When she arrived, the detectives were discussing the details of the cases while the sergeants stood outside discussing paperwork.

[commas and conciseness]

__________

#NBR 27

GRAMMAR & PHRASING (CONT.)

*Paragraph that begins "You're missing something":

-You're missing something vital, if ya don't mind me adding sir" >

-You're missing something vital, if ya don't mind me adding, sir" >

[comma issue]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "After your theories":

-"That doesn't help us Rosemary." >

-That doesn't help us, Rosemary."

[comma issue]

__________

*Paragraph that begins "First name basis":

-the other detective said.

[Who is the other detective? A name here would help immensely.]

__________

, Overall, I really enjoyed the story. I can't believe you are a high school student writing at this level. Your plot set-up is great, and I can't wait until you post more of the story. Thanks for the read!

Network with this winner: SapphireAlena

1st runner up: Hayleyautumns

2nd runner up: AhsokaJackson

Final Author's Note: Thank you everyone for your comments and I've already started reediting which is exciting and tedious at the same time. All of your suggestions have made the process a lot easier. Thank you for taking the time to read my chapter, it has been much appreciated.

*******************************

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